Original subtitles

[clicking]

It's not our fault. His mother didn't show up.

If she had any sense, she'd be in Detroit by now.

Harry, will you mind Billy till his mother gets here?

We're gonna be late for work.

Yeah. And we don't wanna do anything to upset Captain Bloch.

But... I'll leave it to you, Irma. Should we do it?

[Gunther] See, Harry? She didn't say no.

Uh, thanks a million.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

♪♪

Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta. Golf balls.

[humming] Tees. Shoes.

Shoes?

[zipper zips]

[rock music on radio]

[Harry] Chet.

Chet.

That's logic?

Sleeps with the radio on

and then wakes up and turns it off?

Well, I'm glad you woke me up, pop.

I was having a nightmare.

You must've been dreaming you were working.

Oh, lay off, dad. It's Saturday.

Okay. I'll come back Tuesday.

I'm sure you'll be in the same position.

Speaking of Saturday have you seen my golf shoes?

No. Maybe mom has.

Uh, you wouldn't like to caddy for me, would you?

That's right, pop.

I have your bacon and eggs right here, Harry.

Anything else you'd like?

- Yeah, my golf shoes. - For breakfast?

Irma, please. Have you seen them?

No. Oh, wait a minute.

I lent them to Gunther.

- Oh, no! - You can pick 'em up tonight.

We're having dinner there.

- But I need 'em now. - I'll call him.

[Harry] Can't your brother-in-law afford his own shoes?

Hello? Is Officer Gunther Toody there, please?

This is his sister-in-law.

No, he ain't. But I have him on radio phone right now.

Could you ask him if he has Harry's golf shoes?

Hey, Toody, do you have Harry's golf shoes?

Ooh, ooh. Yeah, I got 'em right here in the car.

He's got them right there in the car.

He's got'em in the car.

Can he meet me at the station right now?

Can he meet him at station right now?

Can you meet him at station right now?

Okay. I'll meet him at the station right now.

Okay. He'll meet him at station right now.

Okay. He'll meet you at station right now.

Thank you.

Come on, sonny. Cheer up.

You're not lost anymore.

Toody, if you wanna be a clown, join a circus.

Sorry, captain. I was just trying to make him happy.

Try to make me happy one day, will ya?

[slams door]

- Hi, Harry. - You got my golf shoes?

Golf shoes?

Sorry. I forgot to bring 'em back, Harry.

Oh, that's okay.

If I get to the course in one minute

I'll only be one minute late.

Ooh, ooh. By the way, Harry.

You ought to get those shoes stretched.

They're real tight on me.

[slams door]

Ah, that was a wonderful meal, Louise.

Sorry, it was only a meatloaf, Harry.

What do you mean, only meatloaf?

Do you know how much that meatloaf cost?

Well, sure, I do. Didn't I pick it up at the market?

A $1.98 for two pounds of chop meat

and 52 cents for a two loaves of bread.

I don't use bread in my meatloaf.

No?

Well, you must be planning on

makin' a lot of sandwiches then.

Well, I thought it was a very good dinner.

It was, Louise.

What I was trying to say

is that it ain't so easy today

trying to make ends meet on a cop's salary.

You can say that again, Gunther.

What for? I just said it.

Why don't you do some moonlighting, Uncle Gunther?

[all laughing]

Don't laugh. Jamie may have something there.

It's not against the law to take outside jobs, is it?

No. We oughta think about it, Gunther.

Let's see. We're on night duty this month.

Hey, maybe we could do something during the day.

I guess they call that sunlighting.

I wonder if that's against the law.

Of course, it isn't.

How about being football players?

They only work Sundays.

[all laughing]

Well, I think they should do something with kids.

That's where Gunther shines.

He is the best on the force. He sure has a way with kids.

That's because I used to be one.

Well, a lot of my friends are always looking for someone

to take care of their children

while they're shopping or working.

A child-care business.

[clapping] Ooh, ooh, a child-care business.

But only for kids.

Hey, we'd be great, Francis.

Hey! Yeah.

Louise, more beer.

[beer sloshing]

Can I have some of your beer, Uncle Gunther?

No. These are our best glasses.

You might break it.

To our new business.

Hey, wait a minute, Gunther. Where can we do it?

Your apartment isn't big enough, and mine's smaller.

You're right. I guess that ends there.

Ooh, ooh. How about your basement, Harry?

Uh, b-basement?

Well, err, it might be too damp in there.

It would be perfect, pop. And there's plenty of room.

Harry, even Chet is interested.

Well, I don't know.

I could help too. I love workin' with kids.

[Irma] Harry, did you hear?

Chet, work.

That's what you've been wanting. isn't it?

- Well-- - It'll be just fine.

We'll be glad to let you use our house.

- Hurray! - Yay!

[hammering]

Hi, landlord.

A landlord collects rent.

Hi, friend.

Mornin', Harry.

Did you have to put up a sign?

Well, people have to know we're in business.

Well, make sure business's over by the time I get home.

Right. Don't worry, Harry.

This is gonna work out easy as pie.

No kiddin'. Uh, what kinda pie?

- Bam! Got ya. - No you didn't.

Yes, I did. Play fair. What's your name?

Billy the kid. Got you!

I got you first.

Time to get the kids their milk and cookies, Uncle Gunther.

Good. I'll have chocolate in mine.

I'll give you a hand, Chet.

And cookies with cream in the middle.

Let's play blind man's bluff.

Okay. I got a handkerchief.

Good, you be it.

One, two, three.

Here I am, Mr. Toody.

[Gunther] I know your voice, Billy.

I'm gonna get ya.

[closes door]

[kids cheering]

Billy, what kind of a place is this?

No one's even watching you.

I wanna stay, mom.

Disgraceful.

We got another game to show you.

No, no. No more games.

How's it goin', Gunther?

Great. All present and accounted for.

See? One, two, three, four six. Ooh, ooh.

Where's Billy? Where's the cowboy?

I watched them every second, Francis.

I never took my eyes off 'em.

- Well, how could he get away? - Ooh, ooh.

It must've been when I was locked in the closet.

We gotta find him, Gunther.

I thought sure he would've been in the house somewhere.

He must've wandered off.

We'd better find him, or we're in big trouble.

Yeah, it wouldn't be fair to charge the mother

u-unless we return the child.

Now you wait here for mommy. I'll be right out.

[coin clanking]

[firing toy gun]

Think, Gunther. If you were a kid,

and you were lost, where would you go?

I'd try to find my way home.

Maybe that's where Billy went.

Don't be ridiculous, Francis.

He doesn't even know where I live.

Stop, stop.

- Stop what? - The car.

[screeching]

- Hi. - Hey, come on.

You could've gotten us in some jam.

What would your mother say if she found you missin'?

[car whirrs past]

What was that again?

I told you.

I put a dime in the horse

and when I came back, my son was missing.

That's what I thought you said.

- Uh, problem, Fen? - Maybe you can understand.

I went shopping with my son.

I went into the store and left him on the horse.

Well, that's a sensible way to travel.

Cuts down pollution.

It was a mechanical horse.

I put a dime in it, and I went into the store.

When I came out, my son was gone.

Oh, a lost child.

Don't worry, ma'am. We get lots of those.

They're a dime a dozen.

I don't understand that boy.

I wasn't gone a minute.

When I came out, the horse was still rocking.

Well, you just leave it to us. We'll find him.

This sounds like it could be real trouble.

♪♪

Giddy up! Come on.

Faster, faster.

We galloped all the way across the Long Prairie.

Horsey needs to rest.

The posse's after us.

Come on. Giddy up.

Ooh, ooh. That hurts.

His mother should've been here hours ago.

And you keep playin' horsie. I'm worried.

I'll trade with you. You play horsie, and I'll worry.

Hi, fellas. How did the first day of the new business go?

Terrific, Harry. Sensational.

Well, there is one problem.

Uh, a small one.

Oh. What's that?

Maybe we oughta discuss it inside.

It's not our fault. His mother didn't show up.

If she had any sense, she'd be in Detroit by now.

Harry, will you mind Billy till his mother gets here?

We're gonna be late for work.

Yeah. And we don't wanna do anything to upset Captain Bloch.

But... I'll leave it you, Irma. Should we do it?

[Gunther] See, Harry? She didn't say no.

Uh, thanks a million.

♪♪

- When did that come in? - A couple of hours ago.

Poor kid.

But that's why it's important

to have day-care centers

like me and Francis just opened.

Things like this would never happen.

Anything interesting on your patrol?

No. And we cruised Fifth Street from one end to the other.

Really?

But on Sixth Street, we had a mugging

two robberies, and a stolen car!

Gee, captain. We can't be everywhere at once.

[telephone rings]

He's never satisfied.

Sixth precinct. Officer Fenton.

Oh. Hey, uh, Toody, it's for you. Your brother-in-law.

[Harry shouting on phone]

I didn't get that. Would you scream it again?

I said, Irma went to the movies

and left me here with Billy the kid.

Yeah, he's still here

and I want you to come and get him.

Thud

We never thought he'd be such trouble.

He looks like a nice kid.

Yeah. And familiar too.

I'm sure I've seen his face before.

Must've been in a nightmare.

If he'd only tell us his name, we could call his mother.

Please, Billy, be a good boy and tell us your last name.

Cowboys don't snitch.

It's hopeless.

What's it worth to you to find out his name?

- You know it? - I can find out.

- Fifty cents. - You got a deal.

Come on, Billy, I wanna show you something.

[door closes and opens]

His name is Billy Miller.

How'd you find out?

We have our methods.

That's the name. Billy. Do you have a Billy?

Billy? Billy. Do we have a Billy?

Sorry. We got everything, but a Billy.

Billy. Wouldn't that be a nice name for a boy?

Hey, Gladys, if we had another--

Hello. Is this Mrs. Warren Miller?

Would you by any chance have a son named Billy?

I found her. It's his mother.

I'll talk to her.

Mrs. Miller, do you want your son?

Of course, we got him. But it's gonna cost you plenty.

How much should we charge her?

Let's see. 10 hours. 75 cents an hour.

Tell her, 7.50.

Uh, 7.50, Mrs. Miller.

Oh, sure, it's a lot of money.

What did you expect?

Uh, find out where she lives.

Never mind the suggestions. I'm handlin' this.

Where do you live?

- Boynton Avenue? - That's clear across town.

- Let's meet her halfway. - Yeah.

Uh, look, we'll meet you at the entrance

to Hillside Park in 15 minutes.

Don't worry. You'll get your son.

Just bring the money.

- No one's around. - Sure looks spooky.

I'm glad we don't have to go through that park tonight.

I'm turnin' on the flasher

so she wouldn't miss us.'

[Bloch] Turn off that light, you nincompoops!

It's Captain Bloch.

Hi, captain. What are you doin' here?

Quiet, this is a stakeout.

- Ooh, ooh. - Stay down, kid.

There could be some shooting.

What are you two doin' here?

[mumbling] We were just cruisin' the area.

Uh, big stakeout, huh?

It was until you showed up.

Alright. Back to the station house, men.

The kidnapper'll never show up now.

Kidnappers? Hmm, that's the lowest.

Who'd they snatch, captain?

Didn't you see the notice at the station?

It's that six-year-old Miller kid.

Miller, huh? Err, Miller?

But which Miller? There must be hundreds of them.

Why me and Francis here, we were just--

Just cruisin' around, lookin' for him.

Ooh, ooh. You're on my foot.

I can imagine you two findin' nothin'.

But just in case, he was last seen wearin' a cowboy suit.

Ooh, a cowboy suit. Hey, what a coincidence!

What do you mean?

Gunther here has a cowboy suit too.

Forget about lookin' for the boy. Will ya?

Just try not to lose your patrol car.

Francis, I'm ashamed of you.

You told a great big fib to the captain.

- Look, Gunther-- - I do not have a cowboy suit.

I keep tryin'. But they never have my size.

But why should they think we're kidnappers?

It must've been the way you spoke

to Mrs. Miller on the phone.

Oh, it couldn't have been. I was nice and polite.

I got a very good telephone personality.

Come on. Let's get him home and leave him there

and hope his mother doesn't see us.

That's not such a good idea.

- Why not? - We won't get our 7.50.

[comical music]

- This your house, Billy? - Do I have to go?

I wanna ride around with you guys.

Oh, you can't do that.

We're gonna be too busy lookin' for those kidnappers.

Just go on in, Billy and-and if anyone asks you

just say a little old lady drove you home.

Don't teach him to lie. Say two little old ladies.

[Gunther] What a day.

[Francis] if Captain Bloch found us with that kid

our next beat would be the La Brea Tar Pits.

[Gunther] Yeah, he gets upset over every little thing.

Let's get goin'.

You know, Francis

I'm gonna miss that little kid.

Come on. We're late for our check-in at the station.

- Step on it. - Okay, okay.

But I don't wanna get a ticket for speeding.

Uh, how's it goin', Fen?

Crazy. We got everybody on that Miller case.

Somebody oughta check his house.

The boy just might be home.

What flavor drink you want, Francis?

- Make mine grape. - There isn't any grape.

- How about orange? - Okay.

W-wait. He didn't get his orange.

You're supposed to be home.

I have more fun with you.

Oh, we're really in for it now. If Captain Bloch finds him--

Is it my fault, Francis, if kids love me?

His mother must be worried sick.

I'll speak to her. After all, she knows me.

No. I will. I will.

Hello, Mrs. Miller?

This one of the men with your son.

I guess we missed each other at the park.

Is my boy alright?

Oh, he's fine. Just fine.

I'll talk to him. Trace this call immediately.

Uh, hello. This is Mr. Miller.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Miller.

Look, we don't want anything to happen to Billy.

- We have the money. - Oh, you mean the 7.50.

It's all here.

Seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

Seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars?

- That's what you said. - I heard, I heard.

I don't know how I ever let you talk me into this thing.

He's talkin' it over with his gang.

You know, that voice sounds familiar.

Probably some hood I sent up years ago.

We've traced the call, captain. The address is 780, Elm Street.

Keep him on the phone as long as you can.

Come on, men, let's go.

[siren blaring]

[engine revving]

That is real interesting, Mrs. Miller.

What else did your high school teacher say?

She's telling me her life story.

It's Captain Bloch!

Quick, out the back way.

[Harry] Absolutely not.

Ralph and I are having a quiet game of gin

and I don't want that cowboy around.

Just mind him for a little while, Harry.

We're in a spot, Harry. You see--

We're on a trail of a master criminal.

If we bring him in, we could be promoted to detectives.

- Isn't that right, Francis? - Huh?

Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Citizens should support their local fuzz, Harry.

I've been listenin' to police calls.

- They're very busy tonight. - You gotta help us, Harry.

After all, you're my wife's sister's husband.

We're practically blood relations.

- Well... - Thanks, Harry.

We'll be back in no time at all.

- It's a 10-6. - A ten and a six?

On the police radio.

They're settin' up roadblocks for that missin' kid.

Hey, let me hear.

Ow!

Oh, cut it out, Billy.

They want a missing kid. Why can't we contribute him?

Hey! Three pictures of ladies. All the same!

It's no use. I'll get us a couple of cold ones.

Crash

[Ralph] Hold it down, Harry.

I don't wanna miss any of these calls.

That does it.

But my boy. I-is he alright?

He's fine.

But I can't guarantee

how we'll be ten minutes from now.

What do you want? Name it.

Just come and get him.

The address is 22, Maple Street.

I'll be right there, and I'll bring the money.

22, Maple. Let's go.

[siren blaring]

[cars screeching]

[door opens]

What are you doing? This is a mistake I tell ya.

The pinkos put you up to this, huh?

Right? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Come on. Enter the car.

Oh, Billy, Billy. I was so worried.

When I'll get you home, I'll break your neck.

It's alright, dear. Everything's been explained.

It was an honest mistake, Mr. Boyle.

It could happen in any big city

when they lower police standards.

Let's get out of here.

I'm awfully sorry, Harry.

But you know how it is with a new business.

You gotta work the bugs out.

We'll do better tomorrow.

smash

[car whirrs and squeaks]

[Harry] Blood relation or not, you're out of business for good.

- But, Harry-- - I don't wanna hear it.

- You're finished. - I know, Harry.

That's what we came to tell ya.

Well, just stop your begging... Why?

We found out that this area isn't zoned for business.

And that's why I gotta give you this ticket.

If you can't raise the fine, since you're a pal

maybe I can get you your same old cell back.

[theme music]