Original subtitles

No, no, Irma. The thumb goes in that hole.

But then I won't be able to hang on to it.

That's the idea.

You don't both go down the alley. Just the ball.

Now, try it.

[bowling pins clatter]

[bowling ball thuds]

You can open your eyes now.

[bowling pins clatter]

I guess I'll never get it right, Harry.

Look, I knocked all those wooden things down.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

♪♪

Hi, everybody. I'm home.

[Harry] Yes, sir. Here's the old breadwinner in person.

Does every father come home to this kind of reception?

You think I was an advance man for the play.

- Oh. Hello, dear. - It actually talked.

This statue talked.

Sorry, dear.

I got very interested in this article

in my women's magazine.

"Ten Suggestions To Keep Your Husband Happy."

The first suggestion oughta be to cancel

all subscriptions to women's magazines.

Is there any mail?

We got a nice note from Irene Benson

thanking us for the toaster we gave her as a wedding present.

I wonder if she got six of 'em like we did

when we were married. Remember, huh?

[chuckles] Ah, six toasters.

What we really could've used was some bread to put in 'em.

Speaking of weddings, my buddy Jim Stevens is getting married.

He wants me to be the best man.

Oh, that'll be wonderful Chet.

But I don't know whether I'll do it.

- Means I'd have to rent a suit. - I think you should.

I'd love to see what you look like all dressed up.

I'd even like to see what he looks like sitting up.

You don't understand.

What I'd have to rent is a wetsuit.

A wetsuit?

[Chet] Yeah, like frogmen-wear.

You see, Jim and his girl

both are real gone on scuba diving.

So he's gonna get married 30 feet underwater.

What is it with kids today?

All getting married in goofy places.

Ski lifts, parachutes, horse back.

And now, underwater.

Oh, I think it's nice to get married in surroundings

where you spend a lot of your time.

I guess that means when your time comes

we'll have to widen the couch so there's room for the minister.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, Irene. We were just talking about you.

I just had a terrible fight with George.

Oh, dear. Er, come in, come in.

[Irene] Oh, it's not going to work.

I just know it's not going to work.

What isn't? The toaster?

I've no right to ask, but could I stay here?

Absolutely. Our home is your home.

Come on. We'll go upstairs and freshen up.

[sobbing] Oh. You two are so happy.

Harry, you see how that upsets her?

Can't you try to seem not so happily married?

Yeah. I-I can probably manage that.

[comical music]

I found out what happened.

It seems her mother sent them a set of dishes

and George hates them.

You mean, all this was just over some dishes?

That's such a little thing.

Son, when it comes to things married couples wrangle about

you'll find there is no minimum size requirements.

But they're just back from their honeymoon.

And that could be a big part of their problem.

Newly-weds would get along a lot better

if they didn't go running off on a honeymoon.

Why, Harry?

- What's wrong with honeymoon? - Everything.

You take two kids totally worn out

by weeks of rehearsals, shower, shopping, relatives

and off they go to some strange place.

Two exhausted nervous wrecks.

Now that's no way to start a life together.

I still like it the way it is.

When two people are right for each other, they can handle it.

But how can you tell who the right girl is to marry?

Well, my Uncle George used to tell me that

the right girl to marry was the one who already

had a fur coat and her appendix out.

Now that's enough of that.

Harry, I wish you'd look at the dishwasher.

It's hardly working at all.

It's also nice to find a girl who can fix her own dishwasher.

And one more thing.

We don't want to remind Mrs. Benson

about her little set too.

So tonight, nobody say anything about plates or dishes.

Well, okay.

Now, you got that, gang?

No mention of plates or dishes tonight.

Would you like some more pot roast, Irene?

I just not. Thanks.

Oh, come on. There is plenty of it.

Just pass me your pl...

Um, that is, maybe you better help yourself.

Say, Jamie, how'd your baseball game go today?

- We lost, but just barely. - What happened?

[Jamie] Jeff Roberts hit the ball a mile.

But the other catcher tagged him out when he slid into home pl...

I mean, third base.

Well, what was the catcher doing at third base?

Chet, it's not important. Have a roll.

But he should've been covering home pl--

[Irene] Oh, let me help you clear the table.

Oh, don't bother. I'll just stack everything in the sink.

You see, the, um, thing-washer isn't working.

The thing-washer?

It's stopped-up.

Maybe you'd like to watch television.

There's a neat science fiction show on tonight.

It's all about flying sau...

UFO's.

I think I'll just go upstairs and lie down a while.

Good idea.

You relax, and don't worry about anything.

I'll be up in a few minutes to change the bed.

So, you'll have some nice, clean dishes to sleep in.

It's not that I mind Irene being here

but we can't keep playing these games

with-with words we can't mention.

But I wanna help her.

But this isn't helping her.

Her problem's at home with George.

She's not gonna solve it here.

But she does need guidance.

What she needs is for everybody to leave her alone.

Professional guidance, dear.

Beverley Corbin has a nephew who's a marriage counselor.

I'm sure he could help.

Oh, honey, I don't think Irene would want to have--

She won't even know about it.

I'll invite the man for dinner tomorrow

and he can look into her problem

without her being aware of it.

- Alright. - Then you approve?

No, but if I say alright

at least I'll get the last word in.

You're not kiddin', Harry?

You got a marriage counselor comin' to dinner tonight?

Yeah some nephew of a friend of Irma's.

And he'll probably show up incognito.

He sounds like a tricky one. But that figures.

Most of them are commie agents, you know?

Marriage counselors are commie agents?

Sure. Part of the big Kremlin scheme

to weaken our armed forces.

That makes perfect sense, Ralph.

But explain it anyway.

These enemy agents work in as marriage counselors

go around patchin' up family quarrels.

Well, that makes the country weaker

because they're keepin' thousands of husbands

from runnin' away to join the navy.

Ralph, I think that cigar smoke has polluted your brain.

Mrs. Isaac said you were such a handy fix-it man.

I thought maybe you could get our dishwasher working again.

Your problem is in the garbage disposal.

That's what clogged up.

I'll come by tomorrow and work on it.

Here's Mr. Boyle now.

You can discuss it with him.

I have to change.

Ha-Hello. I didn't think you'd be here this early.

I'm Harry Boyle.

Hi. Name's Al Bengston.

Your wife was just explaining your problem here.

- Did you meet Irene? - Irene?

[Harry] Yeah, that's the girl staying here.

When she comes down, I'll make some sort of introduction.

Then you can take over with her.

That's sure nice of you.

Now about the problem.

I guess you'll just have to reach in

and kinda feel around in the dark.

Ah, I'm used to that.

But I figure I could clear it up in an hour or so.

Why not? The trouble's obvious.

People have just been feedin' her too much garbage.

Oh, I think you're right, Al.

Everybody is been messing in.

Come on. Let me get you a drink.

[Harry] My wife was afraid the trouble might be

something deep inside her.

[Al] Not me.

Confidentially, I wouldn't be surprised

if the whole problem couldn't be cleared up

by just givin' a one good swift kick.

A good swift kick?

No too hard, and not too soft.

But right in the bottom.

Did Mr. Bengston tell you what we should do?

Yeah. But I don't think I can go through with it.

[doorbell rings]

Hi, I'm Ross Gillis. Mrs. Corbin's nephew.

Oh, come in.

Harry, the marriage counselor is here.

Hey, look, I appreciate you fixin' me up with a girlfriend.

But, uh, I better pass on it.

The missus ain't too understanding.

See you tomorrow.

Who is he?

Al. The fix-it man for the dishwasher.

Irene will be down in a minute.

I do hope you'll able to think of something we can do for her.

If he can't, I got a few tips from Al that might work.

[jovial music]

More coffee, Irene?

Oh, no. Thank you.

If you don't mind, I think I'll say goodnight.

It's been rather a tiring day.

Of course. It's perfectly alright.

- It was nice meeting you. - My pleasure, Irene.

Get yourself a good night's rest, dear.

It was sweet of you getting a date for me.

A date for you?

But it only made me realize, George is the only man for me.

I'm going back to him first thing in the morning.

Oh, good.

What do you think?

Well, there's a problem here, alright.

And a very, very serious one indeed.

Irma, Ross here thinks there's big trouble.

But Irene just said--

What I'm trying to tell you, Harry

Irene isn't in trouble, but you two are.

What should we do?

Well, it's a re-education process.

You must move from oneness to twoness.

Now, what do you do for relaxation?

Well, first is, I go bowling.

And what are your interests?

Well, there's my garden club.

You must intermix.

Share your interests with each other or I see nothing

but a dismal disintegration on the horizon.

No, no, Irma. The thumb goes in that hole.

But then I won't be able to hang on to it.

That's the idea.

You don't both go down the alley.

Just the ball.

Now, try it.

You can open your eyes now.

[bowling pins clatter]

I guess I'll never get it right, Harry.

Look, I knocked all those wooden things down.

My subject today is the pansy.

The lovely and delicate little flower with a face.

Oh, these little dears are easily grown.

Give them just oodles and oodles of water.

But not too much sun.

Oh, dear me, no. Not too much sun at all.

[snoring]

Look, you mustn't be discouraged.

At least, you're now sharing each other's interests.

I mean you're learning.

Sure, we're learning plenty.

My wife can now bowl blindfolded

and I've learned to give my pansies oodles of water.

Oh, and read my book, will you?

It'll help you get rid of the little habits you have

that bother your wife, and vice versa.

Now there, you're wrong.

I have no little habits that bother her.

You're not just aware of them.

Irma, tell him that I don't have any habits that bother you.

Well, go ahead.

Well, it's not really a big thing. But, um--

What are you talking about?

He drums his fingers all the time.

- I do not. - But, dear, you do.

And it's always bothered me.

And there was something else.

[Harry] What about you? You always chew on your glasses.

I do not.

And you twirl your finger in your hair, drives me paddy.

Well, I feel the same when I see you mixing

your peas and mashed potatoes together.

Well, what's wrong with that? They all go down the same place.

Now you're getting it.

To make it most effective

write down all these things

the other person does that bothers you.

At the end of the week, read your lists to each other.

Well, I have to be going.

I'll drop back in a few days.

It's very nice of you to take so much time with us.

Well, after all, you two are in acute emergency.

I must say, Irma, I had no idea

you were so finicky about these things.

Lots of wives would love to have the deal you have here.

By the way, what's for dinner?

[slams door]

You don't want me to ask what's for dinner?

Oh, come on, Irma, I didn't do anything.

What are you writing?

You'll find out at the end of the week.

Harry Boyle!

I haven't done a thing. Why, you're making it up.

What is it?

You'll find out at the end of the week.

How's Mrs. Benson doing back with her husband?

Just fine.

She said he was very sweet and understanding.

Some husbands can be.

You know, the desert Sheikhs had a better set-up.

They had four wives.

So there wasn't this one-on-one fighting.

Don't you think that would be progress, pop?

Absolutely.

Providing, your idea of progress

is having four headaches instead of one.

It wouldn't work.

Since the female is stronger

and smarter than the male

a woman should be able to have

as many husbands as she wants.

In some African tribes, a woman has as many as a dozen husbands.

Sounds like she's being punished.

Maybe it'd be better if nobody got married and let the

scientists put the babies together in the laboratory.

I guess they're getting closer to that every day.

Hey, pop. How come you're not mixing up

your potatoes and peas like you always do?

I don't always do that.

[squeaking]

[scribbling]

[snaps]

Jamie, would you get me another pencil?

- Sure, pop. - Better make it two or three.

It was nice of you to phone, mother.

But really, Harry and I are not having any trouble.

[Selma] I always said, he wasn't good enough for ya.

Mother, it's nothing.

[Selma] If he so much as raises his voice to you

walk out on him, Irma.

That's the only way to handle men.

Walk right out on them.

Eh, wife sure can be a problem.

There's only one way to handle 'em.

And which way is that? The swift kick?

You gotta make 'em appreciate ya.

The minute there's any trouble

just cut down on their house money.

That'll bring 'em around.

I'm certainly glad to hear that

things are working out so nicely now

for you and George.

Yes. Everything is perfect.

Absolutely perfect.

Just like it is with you and Harry.

Um, yes. Of course.

[Irene] I learned a lot from that little spat we had.

Now I know how to make a marriage work.

You do?

The answer is for a wife

to subjugate herself completely to her husband.

If the woman does everything she can to make him happy

then she'll be happy too.

I don't care what that phony marriage counselor said.

I know what makes a marriage work.

- I thought you would. - It's very simple.

You've heard of togetherness? Well, that's baloney.

The only way for a husband and wife of the opposite sex

to get along, is apartness.

The minute me and the missus start to have a difference

I go out for a walk. That way, there's no fightin'.

No matter whether it's day or night, winter or summer

just take a walk.

And that works for you?

Perfect, of course I was in the hospital

six times last year with pneumonia.

I found that recipe for Bouillabaisse you wanted, Irma.

It was in this back issue of one my old magazines.

Oh, thank you, Gloria.

Have you made it for Charlie?

Are you kidding?

Why would I waste my time cooking for him?

- Well, I just thought that-- - Believe me.

What makes a marriage work is keeping 'em in their place.

Giving 'em nothing.

Letting 'em know who is boss.

Walking is the only way to cut down the fightin', Harry.

It's better to take it on the I am than take it on the chin.

- What's this? - One of Irma's magazines.

But the fact is, my wife has very little

to quarrel about with me.

I think I measure up as a good husband.

- I wouldn't be too sure. - What do you mean?

This is Irma's magazine, right?

Look how she checked this quiz here

on "How Do You Rate Your Husband?"

Let me see.

"How do you rate

your husband as a friend?"

Uh, she gives you a ten.

A ten, huh? Not bad.

Out of a possible 100.

"'As a father."'

- You do better there. - Good.

[Ralph] Eleven.

"As a companion, eight. Personality, seven.

Intelligence, six. As a lover..."

Well, come on, how does she rate that?

Have you considered taking vitamins?

Oh, come on. What's the rating?

Two?

Let's see. "Add these figures to find your category, and...

"A 1 000, you're a swinging Latin dynamo.

"Nine hundred, you're a terrific Tarzan."

With your total, let's see. Yeah, here it is, uh...

Forget it. I'll see you later.

What was my category?

Super schnook.

[slams door]

Thanks, Gloria. See you later.

Irma, I wanna talk to you.

Guess, what, Harry? I'm making Bouillabaisse.

I think we've come to the end of the road.

Gloria brought me a great recipe.

You can have the drapes and the furniture

and I'll need the car, and I guess, the vitamins.

She found it in an old magazine of hers.

Oh, there it is.

So, it's adieu from a bad friend

a poor father, and a lousy lov...

- That's Gloria's magazine? - Uh-huh.

And now, what were you saying about the furniture?

[chuckling] Ah, nothing, nothing at all.

Remember this old soup tureen, dear?

We got it when we were first married.

Yeah. Along with the toaster.

We didn't have anything to put into that either, huh?

It's held up pretty good, hasn't it?

Without anybody fussing over it.

I guess I better hurry.

Tonight's our bowling night, isn't it?

Irma, have you been getting as much advice

about marriage as I have?

I sure have.

The answer is for a wife to subjugate herself completely.

What makes a marriage work is keeping 'em in their place.

The minute there's any trouble

just cut down on their house money.

The only way for a husband and wife of the opposite sex

to get along is apartness.

You know, the desert Sheikhs had a better setup.

A woman should be able to have as many husbands as she wants.

You must move from oneness to twoness.

[Selma] If he so much as raises his voice to you, walk out on him.

Maybe it'd be better if no one got married.

Honey, what do you say, we go back to

me handling the bowling

and you handling the flower pots?

Well, if you say so.

And for as the marriage suggestions

I got a better suggestion.

Let's forget all of them.

But the marriage counselor said we had to learn.

And we did.

We learnt that if something

is working okay

that's not the time to take it apart.

Right, dear. So we'll give him back all the lists we made.

And you go on chewing your glasses

and I'll keep mixing my peas and potatoes.

Oh, one thing more.

Let's display our old soup tureen

right out in the mantelpiece.

Then every time someone offers

advice on our marriage

we'll look at it and remember.

That too many cooks...

[in unison] Spoil the broth.

♪♪

Hi, everybody, I'm home.

Dear, would you go to the store and get some dinner rolls?

- We have a guest. - A guest?

An overnight guest I'm afraid.

It seems there was a little squabble at home and--

Not Irene again.

[Irma] Uh, no, it's not Irene.

Hi, there.

Okay, I'll get the rolls

and you take out the book for him.

[theme music]