Original subtitles

[Ralph] What's the matter, Harry?

You got a hangover from drinking that borscht?

My problem's not the soup

it's the whacky artist we fed it to.

He actually wants to paint Alice in the nude.

No kiddin'. He really wants to paint in the nude?

- Not him, her. - Oh.

Where's it all gonna end?

We're down to nothing now. What next?

People are gonna start peeling off their skin.

It's more serious than you think, Harry.

It's even spread into the army.

- The army? - Yeah.

They're already issuing short sleeve shirts.

Next it will be shorts

pretty soon none of the armies

will be wearing anything at all.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

♪♪

It's too bad we couldn't finish the back nine.

It sure does get dark early these days, doesn't it?

You got them to thank for it. Your USSR.

The Russians are making it dark out?

Part of the commie scheme to take over the country.

All them satellites they got flying around up there

are full of dust bags which dump out over our cities.

They want it to get darker down here, earlier and earlier.

Why?

So the electricity which should go to

the defense plants making canons can't.

Because we're using it all to turn on our porch light.

Goodnight, Ralph, wherever you are.

[gunshots on TV]

Hey, Jamie, whatchu do today?

Watching the cartoon shows, are you?

Yeah.

You ever have the feeling your kids could

relate to you better if you were a drawing?

Hello, dear, I'm glad you're home.

Hey, goodies, that's what I call a fitting reception

for the lord and master.

It's for the company.

I should've known.

Stuffed olives are never for the natives.

We're having Laszlo Novellini for dinner.

Is that the guest or the main course?

Now, Harry.

Laszlo is that Hungarian artist who spoke to our women's club.

Uh, put on your suit and your new tie.

A tie?

Alice's girlfriend Carrie is coming too.

It'll be a marvelous opportunity

for all of us to be exposed to culture.

But couldn't I be exposed in a sports shirt?

[Irma] I planned a special European dinner.

To start off, I got some nice borscht at the galley.

[phone ringing]

I'll get it. I know who it is.

Relax, Ralph, the borscht is for the company.

[indistinct on phone]

No, we're not being held prisoner.

You don't have to surround the house.

You didn't tell me about the Russian dressing.

But what difference does that make?

Tell you what, Ralph. We'll make it up to you.

We'll leave the porch light off.

Well, you think I look good enough for your Rembrandt?

You look fine.

It'll be a worthwhile evening, Harry.

A chance to hear something deep for a change.

[doorbell ringing]

Come on, everyone. It's him.

Oh, Mr. Novellini. Come in, come in.

Thank you.

This is my daughter Alice.

Her friend Carrie.

My son Jamie and my husband Harry.

Where is the food?

If that's a sample of deep conversation

I just might be able to keep up with him.

The soup, it's very good, what there is of it.

And I hope there is plenty of it...

...such as it is.

[slurping]

Hey! Neat!

- Jamie. - Relax, Irma.

He's just being exposed to culture.

Have you sold any paintings recently, Laszlo?

Sold any paintings.

Do you know what they want pictures of in America?

Flowers, trees, horses, sunsets, yuck.

- You don't paint that? - I paint the truth.

Life like she really is.

Pollution, forgetful, garbage.

Garbage?

You should see the painting Laszlo did of garbage.

It was my masterpiece.

The orange peels were perfection.

The cantaloupe rinds exquisite and the fish heads, muah.

For this I put on a tie?

But now Laszlo Novellini

will finally be heard from.

I have been asked to exhibit a painting

in the Civic Art Show.

Oh, what are you gonna give them? Garbage?

Or the sewer twilight?

- Harry. - A simple still life.

Fruit, wine and cheese.

I got the inspiration this afternoon.

Oh how wonderful.

There is just one thing, I'll need models.

- We'll be glad to supply them. - Good, I made a list.

[Laszlo] A dozen apples, bananas, pears, lemons, oranges

a few pounds of cheese, six or seven bottles of wine

a few loafs of bread... Did I leave out anything?

Yeah, put your Social Security Number down too

since I'll be listing you as a dependent.

♪♪

It's no use.

Is there something wrong, Mr. Novellini?

I appreciate you young ladies bringing me these things

but they are not right. I can't feel it here in my heart.

Maybe the fruit's too fresh, if you let it spoil--

Deep inside a voice is crying out

"Laszlo, do something new."

[kisses] Remember, you are a beloved genius.

[kisses]

Well, we better be going.

I hope you think of something, Mr. Novellini.

Wait, don't move. That's it.

Mr. Inside Laszlo is telling Mr. Outside Laszlo

"Paint sweet young maidens." You two.

- Us? - Not us, you.

Laszlo will phone the committee of his decision.

You both come back in the morning.

Well, what do you think?

I don't know, I don't really have anything to wear.

You do have that pink pad suit.

And I suppose my brushed denim would be okay.

Let's think about it, okay?

Yes, Laszlo's painting will be of girls.

What? Such a silly question.

Of course, they will be in the nude.

[Irma] I think it's very flattering he asked you to model.

You definitely should do it.

But it'll be such a drag hanging around there all day.

But he's such a good artist.

I'll call him and ask him what you should wear.

You know, we might even be able to buy the painting ourselves

after the exhibition.

I wanted to go to the beach tomorrow.

Oh, you can do that anytime.

You want her to pose how?

Dark?

This is a great opportunity for you Alice.

I checked around. He's whacky but he does good stuff.

Harry.

I agree with what your mother said

that you should definitely do it.

Did I say that?

And we could put the painting over the mantle piece.

It would be a real eye-catcher.

It sure would.

Harry, could I speak to you?

Imagine, Alice says she'd rather go to the beach.

I'm for that.

Mama, what's wrong? What did Laszlo say?

Nothing.

Well, didn't he tell you what she should wear?

That's what he said she should wear, nothing.

Nothing? Why that depraved old goat.

Your instincts were right, Alice, about not wanting to go.

This makes everything totally different.

It certainly does.

Now, I'll be glad to pose for his painting.

You, you'll be glad to?

With clothes on, it would just have been ordinary.

But now it will have a message for freedom and be worthwhile.

And since it will be meaningful I will definitely model for it.

Harry, I've never seen you drink a martini in the morning before.

You've never had a daughter turn jay bird before either.

[gulping]

I don't know why we're even discussing this matter.

I'll just tell her flat out that she can't and that's it.

It's better to wait a little. She may change her own mind.

How can she change her mind when she doesn't have one?

You heard what she said.

That the only kind of worthwhile paintings

have everybody naked.

Baloney! That picture of Washington crossing the Delaware

I suppose it would've been a real masterpiece

if they showed him skinny dipping instead.

[Julius whimpering]

[Irma] I think she meant that

without clothes, it would signify freedom.

If she wants to be meaningful, let her be meaningful

but there must be a better way than standing around'

with goosebumps.

Remember, Harry, she's a very young girl.

And she's turning me into a very old man.

Irma, you're not in favor of this, are you?

No, of course not.

But I think we should give her a real solid reason.

I think we should give her a real solid spanking.

Let her have a little more time to reconsider.

If we just flat out tell her she can't

it might only strengthen her determination to do it.

Jamie, how long have you been here?

Oh, a while.

Say, pop, if Alice does model for the picture

can I take it to school for show and tell?

Splash

[Ralph] What's the matter, Harry?

You got a hangover from drinking that borscht?

My problem's not the soup

it's the whacky artist we fed it to.

He actually wants to paint Alice in the nude.

No kiddin'. He really wants to paint in the nude?

- Not him, her. - Oh.

Where's it all gonna end?

We're down to nothing now, what next?

People are gonna start peeling off their skin.

It's more serious than you think, Harry.

It's even spread into the army.

- The army? - Yeah.

They're already issuing short sleeve shirts.

Next it'll be shorts, pretty soon none of the armies

will be wearing anything at all.

Then we're in real trouble. Real, real trouble.

What do you mean?

Well, with soldiers from every country

running around naked you won't know who to shoot.

Ralph, if you don't mind--

Okay, I'm going.

I know you got your problems

but you can count on me to be a good neighbor.

If Alice's picture shows up in any of my magazines

I promise I won't look at it.

Harry I have an idea what we might do about Alice.

So have I, but I don't think

the maternity hospital takes returns.

We can go talk to Carrie's parents.

It will help if all four of us make a united stand

against this modeling.

Then when Alice realizes Carrie can't do it either

it'll be easier for her to accept.

Yeah, I suppose that might help.

I'll call them and we'll get together tonight.

Ah, one thing more, Irma.

Let's not invite anymore starving artists

to the house like that Laszlo.

I'll never get over that bird.

Not that I mind when he takes our bananas and peels them.

But I draw the line when he wants to do

the same thing with our daughter.

Well it's certainly nice to finally meet you folks.

Carrie has said so many nice things about you.

Well, thank you, she's a fine girl.

She especially enjoyed having dinner

at your place last night.

She told us about that artist fellow you had there.

Frankly, that's what we wanted to talk to you about.

Now, to be fair to the girls, they didn't realize

that what Laszlo had in mind was...

I hardly know how to tell you this.

Dear me, whatever is it?

Well to put it bluntly, he wants them to pose in the nude.

Did you say in the nude?

[Harry] That's right.

Did you hear that, Ruth?

Well, of course that changes everything.

Oh, I thought it would.

[Carrie's dad] Oh, we'd be delighted

to have her do it.

Now, Irma and I figured

that if we all sto...

You'd be delighted?

Well, this way, without clothes the painting

will have a message and be worthwhile.

[gulps] You mean, you approve?

Oh, heavens, yes, indeedy.

Don't we, snookums?

You see, we've been this route before.

Our oldest daughter, Annette, poses for magazines.

Look, here's a picture as Chick of the Month.

You actually gave her permission?

Our neighbor Dr. Greeley convinced us to join

his encounter group and get the right perspective.

So we did, we took our clothes off and started thinking.

You joined a nude encounter group?

Well, that's the only kind that will really loosen you up.

You show me a group that doesn't strip

and I'll show you a quack.

[doorbell ringing]

Excuse me.

I suppose we'd better be leaving.

Yeah, might as well.

Uh, its, uh, been real nice talking to you.

Come in, come in. We were just talking about you.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Boyle, this is Dr. Greeley.

- How do you do? - Oh, glad to meet you.

The Boyles were having the same attitude problem

toward their daughter that we had.

Oh, the false modesty, nudity, hang-up syndrome, eh?

Oh, an awful lot of that going around.

Uh, doctor, about the Boyles, perhaps you could help them.

Well, I don't usually make house calls

but since they're your friends and it's an emergency...

Okay, let's get started.

Ah, let me have your coat.

I'll get a hanger for your dress.

Let go.

[phone ringing] Oh, excuse me.

Let's get out of this freaky scene.

We have to be running along, it was a lovely evening.

Uh, wait, just a minute.

I understand, thank you.

- That was Laszlo. - Laszlo?

Uh, very bad news, I'm afraid, now brace yourself.

He says he can use only one of the girls to model.

Only one, huh?

I suppose we can let the girls toss a coin

but it's going to be such a terrible disappointment

to one of them.

Oh, it sure will. But I'll tell you what.

Even though I've just met you for the first time

I feel a great friendship towards you.

So, we'll swallow our disappointment

and you can let your daughter go.

You'd, you'd do that? For me?

You have Carrie call Alice in the morning

and tell her she won't be needed.

It'll be easier on Alice if she doesn't know

we had to make the sacrifice.

I understand.

You're a beautiful human being, Boyle.

Yes, I suppose you could say that.

Come, dear.

Well, anyway, Alice is out and it's all over.

Uh, it's not quite over.

When I get home, I'm gonna tell her she can model.

[Irma] What?

Don't you see, Irma

it's a golden opportunity.

She'll get the idea that we just might be understanding parents.

And the bad news will come from her girlfriend, not us.

Oh, I don't know, Harry. That's really sneaky.

Wasn't it you who said you have to play all the angles?

This will eliminate all the squabbling

and give her time to realize it wasn't anything

she really should be doing anyway.

I still think it's sneaky.

The word is clever.

Honey, I don't like to play games

but when kids won't listen to logic, what else can you do?

It'll work fine.

You really mean it? You'll let me model?

Now, you understand, honey, we-we prefer that you didn't

and we're certain if it came up again

you'd think differently, but...

Well, for now, we won't stand in your way.

Well, what made you change your mind, papa?

Well, we had a talk with Carrie's parents.

Oh, aren't they just the greatest?

I mean, just real turned on and with it people.

Oh, absolutely. Especially her.

Anyway I hope this will help you see that

your parents can be pretty reasonable too.

[chuckles] Right, papa. Goodnight and thank you.

Papa, I was thinking before you came in

that since you and mom were so upset

it might be better if I pass this thing up.

I mean, I was gonna, tell you in the morning.

But now that it's okay with you, I'll give it a go.

You're alright, papa. Really, alright.

Goodnight again.

Yeah, honey, uh, goodnight.

You mean she'd already decided on her own not to go?

Teenagers.

Once you got 'em figured out one way

they turn around and come at you another.

Well anyway, this will make it easier for her

when she finds out in the morning

she won't be going to Laszlo's.

But I sure feel like a rat. Oh, you were right, Irma.

I never should have tried to pull that cheap trick on her.

Parents can't expect their kids to play straight

if they don't play straight with them.

So we all learned something, but don't brood about it, dear.

It'll all be over when Carrie calls her in the morning.

♪♪

Harry, breakfast is ready.

Did Alice get her phone call from Carrie?

Not yet.

[phone ringing]

Hello? Oh hi, Carrie.

Yes. I'll call her. Here it is.

Alice, telephone.

Hi papa, I'm all set to go.

Yeah, uh, look, Alice.

You know, last night when we were talking?

Uh-huh?

Uh, ah we'll talk about it later.

I think I'll take my shower.

What was that all about?

Uh like your father said, dear.

Uh, he'll talk about it later.

It's Carrie.

Hi, all set to go? You what?

From Laszlo?

- Well, what did he say? - Boyle, you're a bum.

He only wants one? Oh, that's terrible.

Yes. You're sure?

Okay, call you later.

Laszlo, only wants one model and Carrie woke up with the hives

so she's out and it will have to be me.

Hey, come back here.

[thuds]

[knocks on door]

Harry, are you alright?

Where is she? Why didn't you stop her?

[bike revving]

You can just drop me at the bus stop.

[Harry] Stop.

screech

Come back, Alice.

6:30 and still not a word from her.

If she doesn't get back by supper time

can I have her desert?

You're all heart, Jamie, or rather stomach.

I can't understand why you don't have his address.

Then I could go down there and get her.

Oh, Harry, relax. There's nothing we can do.

[doorbell ringing]

There she is.

But why would she ring the doorbell?

[Ralph] Can I speak to you for a minute, Harry?

Ralph, you picked the worst possible time.

This is important.

"At approximately 0900

this morning, subject 4-dash-5..."

That's you, Harry.

"...was seen in his front yard..."

That's front yard.

"'...wearing only a fuzzy brown towel."'

Oh, Ralph.

And my surveillance agent

even took pictures to prove it.

See, that's you and that right there is the fuzzy brown towel.

It was an emergency.

As a friend I'll try to manage a cover up.

Here, keep the evidence.

But if the committee subpoenas me, you understand

I'll have to snitch on you.

Maybe, we can put these pictures over the mantel.

Oh, will you cut that out?

Irma, I think, we should call the police.

[door closes]

Alice? Alice, what happened? Are you alright?

Please I don't wanna talk about it.

He got fresh? He chased you around?

No, worst, he did the painting.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

When that goes on exhibition

I'll be the laughing stock of the whole town.

[bawling]

Oh, the poor dear.

At least, now she realizes that

that sort of stuff isn't for her.

Call Laszlo and get his address, I'm going down there.

Now, Harry.

Just to get that painting away from him.

♪♪

It'll be alright, Alice.

- It's all over. - That's right, honey.

I got the painting back from him and nobody's seen it.

- Not even me. - Thank you, papa.

It goes right out in the garbage wrapped like it is.

When the girl has a decent sense of modesty

it's the least her parents can do to...

[rustling]

Julius, stop that.

Get-get away. That's not even fit for a dog to look at.

[Irma] Oh, Harry, is it that bad?

That bad? It isn't that anything.

You can hardly see Alice at all.

[Alice] That's what's so terrible about it.

I was too scared to out from behind the plant.

Oh, if anyone sees it they'll know I was afraid

to model in the nude, and I'll just die of embarrassment.

You do understand, don't you, papa?

[comical music]

Are you sure you won't reconsider?

We could put the painting of Alice in the exhibition

and you would have it back right after.

I think she'd prefer to be kept out of it.

Uh, Laszlo's entry will be changed to

man in a fuzzy brown towel.

Your son, he gave me these pictures.

You won't even have to model. I'll work from this.

You'll become famous.

Oh, isn't that wonderful.

You'll be in the exhibition, Harry.

Yes, it will be great.

Although, I can't promise you it'll be as good as my garbage.

[theme music]