Original subtitles

Now, no desk for me, they hired me for action.

And for being the master of a 1001 disguises.

Disguises?

I took a correspondence course

in doing imitations.

Get this.

♪ Just one for my baby ♪

♪ And one more for the road ♪♪

Jodie, Jodie, Jodie. Yes, come on, Jodie.

Can't you see I'm crazy about you.

Alright you, guys.

Over there against the wall. You dirty rats.

You mean that really helps to solve cases?

If it doesn't, I'm out eleven bucks per lesson.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my Mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

♪♪

Well, don't count on me for dinner tonight, Irma.

I'll probably be here till very late.

Yes, I know there are other things in life besides working.

But unless guess-who-works, we can't afford them, right?

Bye.

- Come in. - Hi, Mr. Boyle.

My name is Green. I'm the manager of the bank next door.

Oh, I suppose my wife has overdrawn again.

But I didn't know bankers made honey calls.

Oh, no, no, no, Boyle. It's not that.

You see, I'm here to ask your cooperation.

You see, we're holding an extremely valuable shipment

of gold coins in our vault.

Now to strengthen our security

we've hired a private investigator.

And he's requested the use of your building

so he can keep the bank under constant surveillance.

Well, I suppose that would be okay.

Well, could you come over to the bank and meet him?

And if I may make a further statement.

We plan to pay you for your assistance.

Now, that's the kind of bank statement I like.

Gee, I didn't know your bank kept gold coins.

Well, it's a special shipment for that big western movie

they're making at Acme Studios.

There's been so much publicity about the coins

we're afraid someone will try to get at them.

So you hired a private eye, huh?

Well, he's supposed to be very good.

His name is Rich Little.

Uh, he's on his way there now.

Yeah, 11 -2, Sam, speaking.

Uh, Little here.

Now, when you get to the bank, you know where to keep

your eyes open for, don't you?

- A parking place? - Right.

And also anybody suspicious who may be staking the joint out.

Roger dodger. You command and I obey.

[Rich] And I know, Bruce the wonder dog will be keenly alert too.

screech

Ah, Mr. Little, I'd like you to meet...

The case maybe over before it starts

I've spotted the crooks' look out man.

[bells ding]

- Okay, pal. The gig's up. - Huh?

Don't give me that innocence act.

You're casing the joint, when the cost is clear

you shut the umbrella, that signals your accomplices.

Then you all go inside and blow the bank vault.

There's the dynamite sticks right there.

Ooh, don't drop it, boss.

Hit the deck.

Swish

That was either a dud or we forgot to prime it

with the sauerkraut.

Ah, Mr. Little, you can always reach me

through my secretary here Irene Matthews.

If you need or require anything at all

I'm available night and day.

Forget about me, gypsy, it will only mean heart ache.

I'm married, you'll just have to worship me from afar.

Ah, you can rest easy, Green.

We'll cover the place day and night.

I know all about banks.

Now, before I go over to Boyle's place

I'll just go out the back door and look around.

That's not the back door that's the vault.

Ah, clever.

I have to be getting back.

Oh, let's go then.

You know you did the right thing calling me in.

There's lot of money involved here.

Those coins are as good as gold.

Well, they are gold.

Now, see, what did I tell you?

[Harry] Oh, you can use that desk there if you like.

Ah, no desk for me, they hired me for action

and for being the master of a 1001 disguises.

Disguises?

I took a correspondence course

in doing imitations.

Get this.

♪ Just one for my baby ♪

♪ And one more for the road ♪♪

Jodie, Jodie, Jodie. Yes, come on, Jodie.

Can't you see I'm crazy about you.

Alright, you guys.

Over there against the wall. You dirty rats.

You mean that really helps to solve cases?

If it doesn't, I'm out eleven bucks per lesson.

Better call my wife.

Even though, I'm an indestructible hero

she worries about me.

She's a real beauty and she's crazy about me.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

[Rich] Hello, sweetheart.

This is the number one man in your life.

Who's telephoning, please?

Let's tell it's Rich, your husband.

Oh, well, what do you want?

I won't be home for dinner, sweetheart.

[Rich's wife] What do you mean, you're not coming home?

I just put a chicken in the oven.

This is the fourth time this week, Richard.

The refrigerator is beginning to look like

a roosters graveyard.

A 1001 voices but she never gives me a chance

to even use my own.

I know, what you mean.

Back to business, if there's trouble

it'll come at night, but we'll be ready.

Ever been on a stakeout before?

Sorry I haven't.

[Rich] That's alright. Neither have I.

[comical music]

Nobody around.

It'll be the perfect stakeout.

Who'd ever guess, that this innocent looking girl

is Big Little, the scourge of the underworld.

I'll check my people.

- All set, Sam? - Ready when you are, boss.

10-4.

[bin lid clangs]

[whistles]

Now, ready for your assignment, Bruce?

[Bruce sniffs]

You cover the back door, hop over the fence

and take your post.

Thud

thud

I'll give you a boost, Bruce.

And be careful. There might be gunplay.

[gulps]

Come on, boy.

Thud

If they show up whistle for help.

Don't try to take them all by yourself.

[car whirring]

Now, don't worry about our frontier, Bruce.

Nothing will escape me.

What is it?

A big black car just stopped

in front of the bank.

Probably ran out of gas.

There is a shortage you know.

The motor's running.

I don't like the sound of that.

They might be gas wasters.

They also might be bank robbers.

Now, that's a thought too.

Fell right into our trap but you really can't blame 'em.

In this disguise no one in the world would recognize me.

Richard, I wanna see you.

Ah, later, sweetheart.

I'd let you move, Sam.

Now, Richard.

But pussy cat, the bank's being robbed.

So have I. You always have time for everything but me.

Clang

But I gotta go after that robber.

You can talk to him later. Huh!

Maybe I should have been a robber.

At least, I'd get to see you.

Everyone else's husband comes home at 6 O'clock.

Why are you always out till the middle of the night, huh?

Thud

When I proposed, I told you

I'd have to keep burglar's hours.

Anything to avoid me. Richard, I've got feelings.

I'm more than just a pretty face you know.

Boom

Good old, fearless, Bruce.

You wanted to be out there where the action is, huh?

Well, there he is.

Kill, kill.

- I'll go. - Never.

Ah, it's up to you, Sam. Go, get 'em.

It's gone. Where was Little?

- Why didn't he do something? - Hi, sweetheart.

You. You were supposed to be guarding the place.

Look, the vault is blown wide open.

Everything cleaned out. How do you explain it?

[Rich] You were robbed.

I'm firing you off this case, Little.

You've done nothing.

You're wrong, sweetheart. I've done plenty.

You're forgetting I was the one who stood out there

and watched the crook get away with everything.

Now, let's go back to your place.

I got to change. This girdle is killin' me.

You're still fired! Do you, hear me? Fired.

Thud

We'll get a fresh start in the morning.

Yeah, but it sounded to me like you were fired.

One call, will straighten that out. I'm phoning, Green.

- Hello? - Green, This is Duke.

[Rich] Heard you had yourself a little trouble

with them gold coins I had down there for my movie.

Well, yes, that's right, but--

You just keep that there Rich Little follow on that job

and everything will work out just peachy.

That's the way I want it handled.

You understand partner?

Well, if, uh, you say so, Mr. Wayne.

Good, I'll have to mosey along. See ya.

Now, we're back on. Now to find the man who pulled the job.

Hey, look what I found in the bank, boss.

It's a glove. A woman's glove.

Our first breakthrough.

Now, we know that the man we're looking for is a woman.

Oh, what a night.

You just can't believe what a kook

this private detective is.

Hi, pop. Hey, you're getting up

kinda late these mornings, aren't you?

Well, you know what they say, like father, like son.

Tell me more. What happened last night, dear.

Well, this freaky detective plus his dog

and assistant were staking out the bank.

But when it got robbed, does he grab the burglar? No.

He's so busy having a fight with his wife, the crook gets away.

[Irma] Well, you can't blame her for that.

[Harry] Oh, I wasn't blaming her.

[Irma] She probably had her aggravation.

Marriage isn't all that easy for women.

She's probably been through a lot, the poor thing.

Cooking and scrubbing for some thankless man.

Irma, that's not the point.

[doorbell ringing]

Someone's at the front door, pop.

[Harry] So? Answer it.

- I could have gone. - Chet will make it.

I realize it's all of an 30 foot walk

but if he takes a rest break

in the dining room on the way, he'll be okay.

[Rich] ls Mr. Boyle home?

Yeah he's in the kitchen. It's way over that way.

[Harry] Who is it, Chet? Oh, hello, there.

Ah, morning, Boyle. And who is this enchantress?

[Irma laughs]

I'm Mrs. Boyle. Oh, dear, I'm such a mess.

A negative. You're radiant, sweetheart.

- I need your help, Boyle. - Oh, no.

We picked up a new clue at the bank this morning.

This false eye lash.

Now, that narrows the field down considerably.

Oh, sure.

All we have to do is cruise the streets

looking for a woman with a sack of gold

and one eyelash.

Ah, you're missing the point, Boyle.

Who ordered the gold? A movie studio.

Who wears false eyelashes? Movie actresses.

It was an inside job.

We'll find our clever little robberess at the movie studio.

But, why do you need me?

[Rich] To drive Sam, Bruce and me out there.

And my car is too conspicuous.

Oh, but they'll never let you in.

Ah, the old Voice master will smooth away.

This is ridiculous, I've got work to do.

Harry, a crime has been committed.

It's your duty to help.

Baloney. Anyway, they won't let him near that studio.

[Rich] Ah, front gate? Ah, this is Jimmy.

That's right. That's right.

Uh, how are you? Uh-huh. And the family?

Oh, that's good. That's good, that's real good, yeah.

Now, say, I was wondering, I mean

a friend of mine wants to come out to the studio.

The name's Rich Little.

Well, could you kinda fix it, so...

Well you know, that, that he could get in? Yeah.

I am much obliged to you, much obliged.

Did you hear that?

He sounded just like Turhan Bey.

[comical music]

[car revving to halt]

It will never work. People aren't that gullible.

Yeah, what is it, bud?

Ah, this here is Mr. Little.

Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Little.

We had a call. Come right in, the place is yours.

I-I mean anything.

[quirky music]

Empty, this will do fine.

Come on, Sam. Bruce, wait in the car.

But you just can't walk into somebody's dressing room.

[growling]

Who's the leading lady in this picture?

Ah, Bubbles LeBrew.

Bubbles LeBrew, please.

But even if she did do it, she wouldn't tell you.

Ah, Bubbles, this is, you know, Marlon.

Uh, look, what I wanted to ask you was, ah

well, ah, you know, I found an eyelash

here in my dressing room. You, missing one or something?

You're not, ah? Okay, ah...

No, no, I can't come over now.

You see, I'm rinsing out some t-shirts.

- Ah, next one. - Yeah, Don Bliss.

- Get me, Don Bliss, please. - Look, I gotta be getting back.

[Rich] Hello, Don. Groucho.

I found a strange thing crawling around

outside my dressing room and after I beat it to death

with a coat hanger it turned out to be an eyelash.

Well, somebody said you were missing one.

You wanna look up and see if it's yours? It's not, huh?

Are you sure? Its got you written all over it.

Although, why would anyone write on an eyelash.

I'll never understand that. Well, thanks anyway.

[knock on door]

[male 1] Uh, Mr. Heston, is that you in there?

- Now we've had it. - Ah, no problem.

Charlton Heston is here.

[Rich] If you don't mind we're not to be disturbed.

I've got some writers here

we're gonna punch-up "The Ten Commandments."

- Yes, sir. - Hey, nice work, boss.

Look, nobody is going to admit to losing an eyelash.

It's all we have to go on now.

The glove told us nothing. I analyzed it thoroughly

all night in my crime lab.

There's no possible way to trace the owner.

Look, there's a name tag inside.

"Irene Matthews."

A name tag, ah?

I must have missed it in the microscope.

Irene? She's the secretary at the bank.

She's also our man. Come on back to HQ.

Yeah, Irene Matthews. Oh, h-here it is.

1412, Elm Street.

We'll use our car. Boyle you stay here and monitor the HQ.

Great, I'll also monitor two days of back work.

Here's Irene's address and phone, where we'll be.

Thanks, but I don't think I'll need it.

Frankly, I hope it will be a long time no see.

This is it, boss. 1412, Elm.

Alright, we'll all go in together.

Hey, doesn't seem to be anybody home.

She's here hiding somewhere.

Hey, how do we find the suitcase with all the gold?

We don't, she'll find it for us.

Simple strategy, Sam. We light a little smudge fire.

She'll panic, grab the suitcase and run out right into our arms.

Next stop, Sing Sing.

[lights a match]

Boss, a fire?

Just a harmless little smudger. Come on.

[fire crackling]

Now, start counting, Sam.

I figure she'll be out in about 15 seconds.

Eh, one, two, three, four...

...3204, 3205.

- Hey, boss. - What is it?

Yeah, somehow I don't think she's coming out.

She may be just a slow packer, Sam

we'll have to give her a few more minutes.

[Sam] I can't count no higher.

[Rich] Alright, we'll go in.

Now wipe your feet, Sam. We don't wanna mess up her floors.

You can come out now, baby. But no tricks.

[phone ringing]

Ah, bank robbers residence. Rich Little speaking.

Sleuth Sam copied down the wrong address.

You're at Iris Matthew's house.

Irene lives at 14, Adam street.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely, she's right here.

[Rich] Okay, tell her to go home.

Now, you go with her, so she doesn't skip.

Now, we'll meet you out there and button it up. 10-4.

Now, the joke's on us, Sam. Wrong house.

Out this way, Sam.

I wanna lock up the place just like we found it.

Oh, sure, boss, I'll be right out.

This is ridiculous.

Does the police department know you're still on this case?

No, but, the fire department does.

Just where were you when the bank was knocked off.

At a dinner party.

Look, I told you, I lost the glove at work.

And you've searched every inch of this house.

There's not a trace of the gold, is there?

So that's it. Trying to squirm out of a technicality.

Yeah, but, boss, the suitcase isn't here.

So maybe...

[Rich] What's that?

Oh, that's just the garbage man.

The garbage man, that's it. Come on.

Hold it. We're wise to you gypsy.

Sure the coins aren't in the house

because you stashed them in there.

You did it for Romeo, here.

The old story, you lost your heart to a man in uniform.

Had it all worked out.

He comes with the truck picks up the gold.

Throws you in the back and you're both off to Mexico.

A million dollar honeymoon.

Bonnie and Clyde of the sanitation department.

- Look, buddy-- - Give her up, Pal.

She'll only mean heartbreak to you.

Empty that in the car. I'll take it downtown

and lock it up.

[waste clatters]

Okay, you can lock it up now.

Hey, if you're on short, let me know

I got a lot more, I was only gonna throw away anyway.

If there is nothing else, I have things to do today.

Now, those coins got to be there.

Maybe stuffed in the cantaloupe rinds.

[engine ignites and car revs]

Hey, boss, I got a look in the back of the car.

There was a suitcase.

Your sweetie double-crossed you. Follow her, there's a reward.

Come on, Sam, Boyle.

[garbage truck whirrs]

[screeching]

[police siren blaring]

[truck screeches]

A big news, Green. Ah, why the suitcase?

Oh, ah-ah suitcase. Well...

I'm just, uh, going on a little vacation. That's all. Ha ha.

That robbery upset me.

Ah, good thinking. But too bad you can't be in on the kill.

You see I...

[police siren blaring]

The police are here.

Ah, typical, after I do all the work

they show up for the glory grabbing.

Ah, I have to catch a plane.

What's going on?

I've cornered the crook

who pulled the gold heist.

Now, stand clear.

Where are you manners, Sam?

Give Green a hand with his bag.

[coins clinking]

Oh, butterfingers.

Pick those coins up for him, Sam.

I've got to inside.

Good work, buddy. You did get him.

No no, it's not him, it's a her.

Will you tell him to put that gold down and listen.

Gold?

Nothing to worry about, Mr. Green.

We'll buy you a new suitcase.

A beautiful job.

I'd like to know how you figured it out.

So would I.

It all added up, you see

Irene dropped her glove in

a nervous fit after the garbage man

jilted her for Irish Matthews, who lives

in a firetrap in Elm street.

However, Charlton Heston is innocent.

And his name should not be dragged into this.

One more thing.

A new suitcase comes out of Sam's pay.

[phone ringing]

Boyle residence. Yes, he's here.

Who's calling, please.

Harry, it's John Wayne.

Hello?

[John] Mr. Boyle, I sure appreciate your help

getting our gold coins back.

I'd like to invite you and your missus to a cruise on my yacht.

A cruise, with, with...

Come on, Irma, it's that goofy detective doing imitations.

[doorbell ringing]

Now see whose there will you?

Oh, that's very kind of you.

But you see, we can't possibly come.

We're going to a tea party in Buckingham Palace.

Harry, look who is here.

Hiya, sweetheart.

♪♪