Original subtitles

Hop on, honey.

Put your arms around me and hold on tight.

If you wanna get in some squeezing, go right ahead.

I'm never against a little fun on the freeway.

[laughs]

[engine revving]

Slow down. There's a traffic jam ahead.

No problem.

[bike revving]

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ My mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

♪♪

You really oughta try the pancakes, Harry.

Yeah, pop. I always have a big breakfast.

It helps me to face the day.

You know what else helps you to face the day?

The knowledge that right after breakfast

you're going back to bed.

Unfortunately, I have to get to work.

Something's bothering you, Harry. I can tell.

Ah, it's nothing to worry about.

But I want to worry. What's a wife for

if not to give moral support to her husband.

Well, okay.

[Harry] That's my problem.

This woman took over a little restaurant

from one of my customers three months ago.

And she's exactly three months behind on my bills.

Now, I've gotta go over there personally and try to collect.

Harry Boyle!

You're going to bother a sweet old lady like that

just because she owes you money?

That's terrible.

Thanks for your wifely moral support.

Lincoln got more support from John Wilkes Booth.

[Irma] Well, they weren't married.

[car whirrs]

Mrs. Frickert.

Is this a straight mugging or a pick up?

I'm Harry Boyle, Boyle's Restaurant Supply.

Oh, yes. I've been dying to meet you.

Your number two stewed tomatoes are groovy.

And your dried prunes are heavy, man, heavy.

Oh, uh, thanks.

- Mrs. Frickert. - That's Ms. Frickert, honey.

I'm loose and single

from the top of my Don Loper hairpiece

to the bottom of my surgical stockings.

Very nice. Ms. Frickert, I don't understand.

You're running an eating place.

How come that sign, "Closed for lunch?"

I gotta eat too.

And if I take on one more of my chili burgers

it'll melt the stays in my corset.

I really lay on the sauce.

That's why I'm brown bagging it today.

Well, I've got some business to talk over with you.

I bet you do, honey.

[giggles]

Come on, dude. Let's split.

There's my wheels.

A beauty, ain't it? Got a great buy on it.

It's only been ridden Sunday's by Evel Knievel.

Hop on, honey.

Put your arms around me and hold on tight.

If you wanna get in some squeezing go right ahead.

[chuckles] I'm never against a little fun on the freeway.

[engine revving]

[bike revs]

Slow down. There's a traffic jam ahead.

No problem.

[bike revs]

That was nothing.

I have taken jump so high I was able to show an in-flight movie.

This is my favorite bench, honey.

What would you like to do first? Neck or eat?

Uh, will you get one thing straight?

- I'm a happily married man. - That's alright.

Care to start off with a little Red Eye?

It'll get the carbon deposits out of your liver.

No, thank you.

[pops cork and gulps down]

Lovely stuff.

It just popped all the buttons off my shoe.

Ms. Frickert, can we get down to business?

I thought you wanted to eat first, lover.

You start at the sausage. I'll start at the mozzarella.

And we'll meet at the pepperoni. It will blow your mind.

You owe me exactly $412 and 85 cents.

Push harder. Maybe I can go into orbit

and hook up with the boys in Skylab.

No more swinging till you give me an answer.

Party pooper.

- Alright. I'll pay you. - Good.

As soon as I can. Right now, I'm short of cash.

I blew it all to enter my chopper in the Death Valley 500.

Oh, great.

Whe-e-e!

Now, you're a woman.

It's nice to hear about a woman that age being so active.

She's not gonna be so active

if she doesn't pay her bills pretty soon.

Pop you're too materialistic.

You don't see me ever worrying about money, do you?

No, but I keep hoping you'll start.

You're upset, dear.

It's the way you're treating Ms. Frickert, isn't it?

I heard being heartless can give you heartburn.

You know, that old gal sounds cool, pop.

I'd like to race in that Death valley 500 too.

I don't think you can pass the physical.

You have to be able to get up off the couch.

♪♪

- Mr. Boyle? - Yes.

Fred Simpson, Simpson Meat Supply.

I'm Conrad Twillie

interior decorator and color tone coordinator.

Well, what can I do for you gentlemen?

We understand we got a common problem.

The old broad owes us money too.

Yes, I've been in a sweat about it.

I redecorated her entire shop

and I haven't seen a quid.

Let's get together and foreclose.

She's welched on our bills.

Let's carve her up and get what's ours.

I agree with him.

But I find his choice of words rather nauseating.

Now look, before we take that step

why don't you let me talk to her just once more?

If she realizes she's up against all three of us

she might start paying her bills.

Okay, give it one more shot.

But if she don't come through, her head's on the chopping block

and I've got the cleaver.

[gasps] Oh, I feel faint.

Mr. Boyle, do you have any diet Beaujolais?

How come you asked me to meet you here?

Well, you said you had something important to tell me.

But I had something to do.

So you might as well tell while I'm doin' it.

Come on.

Take her up, Charlie!

[plane whirring]

What's the parachute for?

It always looks nice on you when you jump.

Jump?

This is my hobby. I'm a skydiver.

Well, it's not my hobby.

Don't worry, honey, I'll be right beside you.

We'll free fall together.

And hook up safeties half way down.

F-f-free fall?

Geronimo-o-o-o!

Don't pull the ring till we drop

another 5,000 feet.

Just hold your arms out and fly like a bird.

Not like a chicken, sweetie.

I said a bird.

This is a good time to talk. What did you wanna say?

Help!

Thud

Let me get rid of that parachute, Marlon.

Then we can finish that "Last Tango In Paris."

[laughs]

And that's all you wanted to talk to me about?

- Paying the bills? - That's right.

I thought you were gonna tell me you were leaving

your dullsville wife and you and I could start motel hopping.

Will you get it through your head

that I'm not looking for another woman?

You don't have to look.

You found the one who has it all.

Don't you understand?

There are two other creditors besides me.

And if you don't pay, we're gonna have to foreclose.

Oh, you know you'd never do that, baby.

[laughs] You're too mad for my bod.

I give up. What do you do with an X-rated grandmother?

♪♪

Harry, foreclosing on that poor Ms. Frickert, it's cruel

inhuman and not even very nice.

Believe me, Irma, I've done all I can.

Do you know what it's like to try talk business

while you're falling at 1 000 feet a minute?

If I hadn't grab hold of her, I've would've been killed.

She's just a poor old lady.

Yeah, and she is turning me into a poor old man.

Now, do you mind?

It's very hard to shave

while you're engaged in a debate.

Alright.

[closes door]

[Harry] Ah!

- What happened? - I cut myself.

See, you're being punished.

Hey, great lunch, Maude. What do I owe you?

Let's see, you had the clam chowder

chef salad, barbequed ribs

French fries, pecan pie a la mode and coffee.

That comes to 79 cents.

Gee, how can you serve good food like that at such a low price?

I've got a system. I don't keep books.

Try to make it here for breakfast tomorrow, Andy.

I'm putting rum on the waffles.

And we're all gonna dance the funky chicken

in the parking lot.

Hi, honey. Where have you been?

I haven't seen you in two whole days.

- I've been busy. - That's a relief.

I thought I was losing my sex appeal.

I was ready go out and get a silicone job.

Look, I got some news for you.

I-I-I couldn't hold out anymore. It's all over.

Goodie. You finally told your wife to shove off

and we can start swinging together.

Will you cut that out?

The other creditors and I have filed papers

to foreclose this place.

Come on. You're jivin' me.

Well, believe me. I-I don't enjoy doing this.

But let's face it.

You don't know how to make a go

out of the restaurant business.

Now, wait a minute.

There's gotta be ways I can make more money.

[snaps fingers] I got it. I'll go topless.

It's no use.

Well, I won't go bottomless. That's naughty.

[snaps fingers] How about this?

I'll put slot machines in the restroom

and you guys can have a piece of the action.

From now on, this place is closed.

You did the right thing, Harry.

I had the same problem with an old lady a couple of years ago.

I loaned her money, she didn't pay me back.

And I had her in court before you could say

"Gilligan's Island."

Well, I don't feel too happy about it.

Didn't bother me.

I just walked up to her, handed her the summons

and said, "See you in court, mom."

- You sued your mother? - Yeah.

She needed this operation and hit me with 200 bucks.

Wasn't easy getting in the operating room

to serve the papers.

You're kidding.

Well, I wanted to catch her before

the anesthesia took effect.

Doctors threw me out. It was okay though.

I sneaked up on her in the intensive care ward.

Sounds like a warm family reunion.

It was. My brother was the lawyer I hired to sue mom.

You hired your brother to sue your mother?

It was a favor to her.

You see, she spent her last cent puttin' him through law school.

So he needs all the work he can get to pay her back.

I've got it carved down to the bone.

We can get 300 for the stove. 250 for the refrigerator.

Seventy-five for the coffee urn.

Listen, do you think there'll be a few bucks

left over for Ms. Frickert?

No chance. Would you stop worrying about this old lady?

I always say in this world, it's dog eat dog.

And in this world there are also people.

I can't help but feel a little sorry for Ms. Frickert.

Get your mind off it, Boyle. Think of something pleasant.

Come on over to the slaughterhouse

and watch me sock it to a few steers.

Please, don't talk like that.

It's horrific.

I got a feeling there is something

strange about that kid.

You suppose he's a vegetarian?

Yeah, that's probably it.

Look, I'll meet you over at Maude's this noon.

I wanna make sure that dingy old broad

is really closed for good.

♪♪

Hi, Ms. Frickert.

Hello, tiger. Be with you in a minute.

I just have to tighten the MX pegs and adjust the j-bar.

I want it revved up right when I get back to Centerville, Iowa.

- You're leaving? - Going back to my hometown.

I had to leave there 60 years ago 'cause of the scandal.

What scandal?

I left a hickey on my English teacher.

Yeah, well, I'm sure it's healed by now.

Are you gonna drive this thing all the way to Iowa?

Yep, gonna get my kicks on Route 66.

In old age I can't keep on doing

my thing back in Centerville.

They got a lot of muddy old farms for dirt racing there.

Of course, they don't have an airport.

But I can keep up my skydiving

by jumping off the church steeple.

It's a biggie.

Well, it sounds great. I wish you luck.

Howdy, Aunt Maude.

Elwood. What are you doing here?

Well, when you called and said you're comin' home

I thought I'd better come get ya.

You're gettin' old in years, Aunt Maude.

You shouldn't be travelin' alone.

I wasn't planning on traveling alone.

I was just gonna start out alone.

[chuckles] I'll be a group by the first on ramp.

Oh, Elwood, this is my big fox, Harry Boyle.

He's freaked out for my frame.

My nephew, Elwood.

Elwood Suggins.

Suggins' Hardware and Feed Depot.

- You must have heard of it. - I'm afraid I haven't.

I can't understand that.

I sponsor the Suggins' Musical Memory Lane Show on radio.

Got us a 250 watch signal.

Goes all the way into Twin Forks.

Sorry.

We featured an all-grandmother

juice heart band doin' the Roy Acuff Festival.

You do like oldies but goodies, don't you?

Sure he does.

[chuckles] What do you think he hangs around me for?

Come on inside, Elwood.

You look like you could use a cool drink.

[slurps] Aunt Maude, our home is the perfect place

for you to enjoy your twilight years.

I pulled the old rocker out of the attic.

And it's sitting on the porch.

You can rock away to your heart's content.

I don't know if I'll have much time to rock.

I'm planning to bring my chopper and practice up on my wheelie.

Out of the question, Aunt Maude.

We just don't allow no

motorcycle driving in Centerville.

Well, what about my skydiving?

Come on, now. That's for young hellers.

But if you're looking for excitement

you can come down to the hardware store Thursdays

and watch me sort out nails?

But I like to do things.

You gotta realize your age Aunt Maude.

You're over the hill and you might as well make up your mind

to go down to it gracefully. It'll be nice.

While you're walkin', Sally can help you with your crocheting.

[car honking]

Oh, that must be Fred. Excuse me.

I see the sign. She's really closed down, right?

Yeah, that's right. She's going back to Iowa.

Good, but keep an eye on her.

I bet she'll try to swipe the stove.

Oh, no, you got her all wrong, Fred.

Maude would never run off with anything

that didn't belong to her. Except may be a sailor.

You can't trust coots like that, I tell you.

She might have some sorta set up waiting for you back there.

The only thing waiting for her is a rocking chair.

Good. About time she started acting her age.

Yeah, that's what everybody seems to say.

[car revs]

I'll check into the YMCA and we'll leave tomorrow.

That'll give me a chance to visit Disneyland.

- What's Disneyland? - You must have heard.

You ride around in a cup and saucer.

And see Peter Pan's village and Snow White's mine.

And if you're real lucky, you actually get to

shake hands with Donald Duck.

- Lots of people go there. - Why?

See you tomorrow.

What will you do with your bike?

I don't know. Say, would you like to have it?

I just rebuilt the motor, increased the compression ratio

put in new cams, and tightened the skid plates.

Where did you learn so much about motorcycles, huh?

From Steve McQueen.

He taught me the whole scene

during a beer bust we had in Ensenada.

What were you doing in Ensenada?

I went down to race my chopper in the Motocross.

But I wiped out.

My hem tangled in the exhaust pipe

and my whole dress caught fire.

Up in smoke went four yards of taffeta slip

and a half a yard of me.

- I was a flamer. - Sounds dangerous.

Ah, the fire truck put it out right away.

But that was some feeling, sonny.

You haven't lived till you've had your underwear foamed.

- Ha ha ha. - Yeah, I suppose not.

My garter smoked for a week. Phew!

So I went to work helping the other fellas

with their pit stops. Got pretty good.

Andy Granatelli called me

the fastest grease gun in the west.

- Well, he oughta know. - And then, there was the time...

Ah, but that's all over now.

Why don't you, uh, take the bike and swing a little?

Oh, thanks, Maude, but I can't use it.

But if you like, I-I'll try and sell it for you.

Okay. I guess I can use the bread

to stock up on crochet needles.

Maude, it's none of my business

but you will be happy back in Centerville, won't you?

Of course, I'll be happy. Sure, it'll be fine.

Like Elwood says, they've got that nice porch back there.

It'll be nice and restful.

And you probably have lots of friends back there, huh?

No, most of my set have cashed in by now.

All the more reason like Elwood says to start acting my age.

Yeah, Centreville's gonna be just the ticket for me.

Well, I certainly hope so.

I mean ridin' a chopper and jumping out of planes

that's for the young people.

For me, a good old rocking chair.

Well, I better get packed, so I'll say goodbye.

And I sure appreciate all you've done, Mr. Boyle.

♪♪

That's the first time she ever called me Mr. Boyle.

Then it all worked out beautifully, didn't it, dear?

That nice old lady is going back to her hometown again?

Yeah, that's right. She's going back.

Then it has a happy ending, doesn't it?

Well, it all depends, Irma on whether her idea

of a happy ending is a rocking chair.

[clicks off light]

♪♪

Whe-e-e!

[bike revs]

Don't pull the ring till we drop another 5000 feet.

- No, no, no! - Oh, what is it, dear?

- Have a nightmare? - No, thanks. I just had one.

♪♪

I still don't get it, Boyle.

We agreed on a foreclosure a week ago.

And now you say, it hasn't been done.

Well, you can both relax. You'll get your money back.

Then you did sell them restaurant fixtures, right?

Not exactly.

I traded them in on some other equipment.

Other equipment? What other equipment?

- Well you'll see. - Hold on a minute here, buddy.

You're trying to tell that goofy old broad is still around?

She sure is.

So, how are we gonna get our money back?

Yes. How? How?

That's how.

♪♪

Ah, it'll corner real sharp now, Lyle.

You had too much weight on the front end.

So, I moved the handlebars back and fixed the cable ties.

That's $53 cash.

Alright, who's next?

Don't crowd. Take a number for better service.

Well, I'll be darned.

She's doing a fantastic business.

We'll get our money back in no time.

It was just a matter of finding the right line of work for her.

Hi, Maude, how's it going?

Groovy, lover. Groovy.

Love your tattoo, Elvis.

Let's go dancing tonight and see if I can rub it off.

But first, I gotta test drive this chopper.

Everyone said she should act her age.

And that's just what she's doing.

You see, her real age is younger than all of us.

Whe-e-e!

Harry, since you're friendly with that nice old lady

we really should have invited her on our picnic.

She could help me fix the seat on my motorcycle.

I can't figure out why it's so uncomfortable.

Well, maybe it's you, Chet.

You know, you're not that used to sitting up.

Oh, but it would've been nice.

Irma, I got her squared away, so let's leave it at that.

What I need now is some peace and quiet.

And that's why I suggested the picnic.

To get away from that senior citizen sexpot for a change.

[Julius barks]

Whe-e-e!

Lover, it's you!

♪♪

[theme music]