Original subtitles

Alice forgot her toothbrush.

Where'd you find that?

On the bathroom sink, next to grandma's teeth.

That's the only time you'll see them when they're not in motion.

Now, Harry.

I'd better phone her.

Hello, Mary Lou. This is Mrs. Boyle.

Is Alice there?

Oh, well, how soon will she be back?

[Harry] She's not there?

What? Oh, oh, I see.

Yes, well, thank you.

[Harry] Where is my daughter?

I had it mixed up, dear.

She is not staying with Mary Lou Johnson.

She is staying with Mary Lou Twitchell.

Well, who is Mary Lou Twitchell?

I'm not really sure.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

♪♪

[car honking]

[car door closes]

Mother.

Irma, honey.

- How was the flight? - Terrible.

But it was fun being searched by that handsome young man

at the airport.

Did you bring me a present, grandma?

It might have been nice if you'd said hello first.

Oh, that doesn't matter, Harry.

I've grown to expect it.

I mean, the way the boy has been raised.

Of course grandma brought you something. Here.

Oh, boy.

How are Chet and Alice?

Just the same as always.

Oh, sorry to hear that.

[cover rustles]

A tie. Grandmas are weird.

Why do they always bring you something to wear?

- Hi, grandma. - Well, Alice.

We're putting you up in Alice's room.

Yeah, I'm gonna stay at Mary Lou's house.

I thought you were gonna sleep here on the sofa.

Alice and I talked it over.

And I decided she could stay at Mary Lou's.

For a week? That's silly.

If you don't like that sofa, you can sleep in Chet's bed.

And Chet can sleep on the sofa.

But it's too uncomfortable here.

[yawning]

I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink.

[snores] Hi, grandma.

Maybe we shouldn't take away his room.

The only exercise he gets, is going upstairs to bed.

I'll go pack.

Well, who is this Mary Lou?

Well, you know her.

She's been over here.

A nice girl, ace student, good manners.

Oh, is she the one who has her ears pierced?

That's Aunt Mable.

Relax, Harry.

My neighbor's daughter back home used to stay

with a girlfriend all the time.

For weeks and weeks.

It never made any difference.

We figured she would've run off with that married man anyway.

Now, look. I'll sleep on the sofa.

You can have my bed.

And Alice will stay here in her own room.

Somebody can have my bed

if they're careful not to squash my pet frog.

I didn't realize my visit would cause this much trouble.

I certainly don't want to get in the way.

I'll turn around and go home.

Even though I did get up at 5:30

and sit in the coach section for 400 miles.

[Chet] Bye, grandma.

Mom, don't be silly.

[yawns] Are you really leaving?

Hey, pop, have I been asleep for a week?

Now, you gotta come by and see grandma once in a while.

Oh, sure, Bye. Let's go, Chet.

Uh, Mary Lou's parents will be home, won't they?

Papa, of course they will.

You act as if I were an irresponsible person.

After all, I am a teenager.

Alice forgot her toothbrush.

Where'd you find that?

On the bathroom sink. Next to grandma's teeth.

That's the only time you'll see them when they're not in motion.

Now, Harry.

I'd better phone her.

Hello, Mary Lou?

This is Mrs. Boyle. Is Alice there?

Oh, well, how soon will she be back?

[Harry] She's not there?

What? Oh, oh, I see.

Yes, well, thank you.

Where is my daughter?

I had it mixed up, dear.

She's not staying with Mary Lou Johnson.

She is staying with Mary Lou Twitchell.

Well, who is Mary Lou Twitchell?

I'm not really sure.

I don't know her either.

Well, maybe Chet does.

[music on radio]

[woman on TV] Dr. Bender, report to surgery.

Dr. Bender, report to surgery.

Would you turn that thing off?

Shouting at me already, huh, Harry?

Well, I can take a hint.

I'll pack my bags. I know when I'm not wanted.

Please, Selma, I was talking to Chet.

You know a Mary Lou Twitchell?

Oh, yeah. Great bod.

Thirty-six, twenty-four--

Now what kinda people are they?

Oh, great, pop. In fact, my kinda people.

Oh, no.

I mean, like they move

they're with it, they dig.

Mrs. Twitchell has her very own sleep-in guru.

Some husbands are good providers.

Boy, they sure give some great parties. Wow.

- You know Funky, don't you? - Funky?

Is he the guru?

No, Mary Lou's brother Funky.

Don't you remember when I had to go down and bail him out?

I think I'll take that toothbrush over to Alice.

I'll go with you, dear.

[Indian classical music]

I'm afraid to ask. Excuse me.

Are you Mr. Twitchell?

Harry, this is probably the guru.

Hey, no man.

Like, I'm Funky.

This is my pad.

I mean, like, this is where I'm at.

- Oh, well, are your folks home? - I don't know, man.

We don't pry into each other's business

like, you know what I mean?

[doorbell ringing]

- Mr. Twitchell? - Yeah.

Oh, how do you do? I'm Harry Boyle.

Hey, hiya...

Ah, this is my wife Irma.

Oh, you must be Mrs. Twitchell.

How quaint.

No, darling, I'm Mrs. Bronson.

Yeah, Mrs. Twitchell is up at Estelline with Mr. Bronson.

Oh, well, uh...

We brought over Alice's toothbrush.

She has to use it regularly because of her overbite.

Well, then, tell her she can come over here

and brush her little overbite anytime she likes.

But she's already here staying with your daughter.

She is?

Oh, yes, you remember, Twitchie?

She is the one who had her hair combed.

Ah ha ha ha, yeah, the oddball.

Hey, have a seat, baby.

Could we speak to Alice?

Ah, she and Mary Lou went out.

- Where did they go? - Hey, beats me.

I mean, we never pry into their affairs.

It's bad for their psyche.

You mean, you don't even know where your own daughter is?

I'm proud to say I do not.

I mean, I believe in total freedom for the individual.

Which means freedom from a parent's possessive nosiness.

- Now, look, Mr. Twitchell-- - Everybody calls me Twitchie.

I believe it.

Let me give you one more tip, baby.

I mean, the young can relate better

if you seem young yourself. Like me.

So, why don't you get yourself a rug?

It's kinda shiny up there.

[Mrs. Bronson] Twitchie darling, we have to go.

We have guests waiting in the cellar.

Maybe you'd like to join us.

The guru is going to beat out some cosmic rhythms

on the furnace pipes.

Um, sorry, but we left a small child at home.

At home? How quaint.

If you think, I'm gonna leave my daughter in this loony bin--

Shh Harry! We'll talk about it at home.

- Come on. - You may have to go without me.

I can't get out of this stupid chair.

I know the Twitchells are a little different

but what could happen in six days?

Well, Israel won a war.

I hope you'll be careful who you associate with.

Oh, so now I'm a bad influence.

Well, I don't have to be told twice. I'll leave.

And, Irma, even though I am the one who gave you life

and three place settings of sterling

you mustn't feel guilty about throwing me out

in the middle of the night

without hardly any supper to speak of.

Do you want my tie back?

[Irma] Jamie, stop that.

A-and, mother, he didn't mean you.

What do you think, Irma?

Should we try to be more young with it?

Are we wrong to keep close tabs on our daughter?

Are we too nosey?

Do the Twitchells have a point?

Are kids better off with more freedom?

[clock ticking]

Well, baby, what gives?

Well, big cat

Jamie got thrown out of grammar school.

He dropped his lunch bag and his wine bottle broke.

Then he got into a fight and ran off to a commune

with a 40-year-old topless waitress.

Oh, obby-dobby, that's my boy.

It's hard to believe he's only ten.

Well, if he's old enough to drink

he's old enough to fight.

[gulps]

[Irma] Had a postcard from Chet today, honey.

Oh, oh, he learned how to write?

He's got the lead in an X-rated movie.

Freedom to the people.

[siren wailing]

The fuzz, they must be bringing Alice home.

- Who? - Don't we have a daughter?

I think so. I wonder what she's been up to.

Now, now, mustn't be nosey.

Just wait till her parole officer tells us.

Right on again, mama baby.

Freedom is wonderful.

Isn't it nice to be a modern parent?

Listen to that, they're playing our song.

[alarm ringing]

[garden trimmer whirring]

Irma, it's 10 o'clock.

Let's call Alice and find out what's going on, huh?

It might embarrass her, Harry.

Wait a little. I'm sure she'll be phoning us.

Harry, you flipped my camouflage.

What are you doing in the hedge?

I, uh, got some news for you.

But I wanted to sure the coast was clear.

It's clear.

Brace yourself, Harry, it's bad.

At 12:25 am in the morning

your daughter was seen entering the Twitchell home.

Ralph, she is staying over there with their daughter.

You can't let her mix with those people, Harry.

They're liberals. Hardcore liberals.

They even vote in the primaries.

Well, you see, Irma's mother is here and--

But, Harry, they'll influence her into thinking pink.

Before you know it, she'll be eating kosher pickles

and studyin' a foreign language in school.

Alice is a sensible girl and I'm sure--

- Hi, papa. - Oh, hi, Alice.

Is mom around?

She's out back with her flowers.

Hey, you see? What did I tell you?

She is sensible.

She made her own decision and came home.

Congratulations, Harry.

This is one big step for mankind.

Your sleeping bag, dear?

Well, I think it's in the garage.

Oh, thanks, I'll get it.

But what do you want the sleeping bag for?

Well, the whole gang is going up to Big Sur for a few days.

- Big Sur? - We're too late.

Another victim of Moscow.

[joyful music]

- Hi, grandma. - Alice, about going to Big Sur.

I'm not sure that's really the best--

But, papa, we've got it all planned.

We've arranged for transportation

and everything. See?

Now look, that's out. You are not going to hitchhike.

Well then, how will I get there?

You won't let me have my own van like everybody else.

You're not going to get there.

[car honking]

Oh, see you all later.

Bunch of us guys are gonna blast off

for a couple of days to see Ensenada.

Who's he?

[Harry] Yeah, okay, Chet.

Well, how come he can go places and I can't?

Because he's 22 and he's a boy.

Oh, I see.

I can't go because I'm a girl.

More male chauvinism.

Well, girls can do anything boys can do.

I know, and that's one of the reasons you're not going.

The Twitchells don't tell their kids what they can do

and what they can't do.

They don't beat them down

they encourage their independence.

It's a household of free spirits.

Yeah, with an olive in 'em.

I told them I'd bring 'em some food.

I thought Abraham Lincoln brought some

freedom to this country.

He didn't have to hang around the White House lawn

in a sleeping bag to prove it.

[slams door]

We never should've let her go

over there in the first place.

I've been expecting that.

Sure, blame it all on me because I'm sleeping here

instead of out on a park bench somewhere.

Please, Selma--

Well, you'll get your wish.

I'll go pack my bag.

You won't have me to kick around anymore.

Mom, we're not blaming you.

[Selma] Irma, you're too sweet to see this.

But that man has hated me all his life.

- I have not. - See, mother?

I haven't known you all my life.

That's it. Call me a taxi.

I'm taking the next plane home.

Jammed into economy class as usual.

- Harry. - I'm sorry.

You know, I didn't mean it. What am I gonna do?

I'm caught between a mother-in-law playing

Joan of Arc and a daughter who's Abraham Lincoln.

If you wanna be a parent

you have to be patient.

If you wanna be a parent, you have to be crazy.

[slams door]

Now, look, Alice, Don't be unreasonable.

I'm not. I just wanna be free.

- Like the butterfly. - Well, that will come.

But meanwhile, can't you hang in there as a caterpillar

until you're 18?

Rules, rules, rules.

What's wrong with total freedom?

Plenty.

For instance, with total freedom

I-I could drive right through a red light, right?

But the rule says wait for the green.

I follow the rule, chances are I make it home in one piece.

But with total freedom, chances are I end up

wrapped around somebody's bumper sticker.

But this is different.

Why can't you be more like the Twitchells?

Because we're not weirdos.

I suppose you're saying I can't go to Big Sur.

[Harry] Now you've got it.

Alright, I'll take this sleeping bag

back to the garage and I'll stay there too.

Since you want me to live in a dungeon

I might as well get used to it.

Harry, we have to practice patience.

What we should've practiced is birth control.

Don't bother calling me a cab. I'll walk to the airport.

It's only 40 miles.

I've got Selma calmed down.

Ha-have you spoken to Alice?

No, I wasn't sure what the visiting hours are

for a dungeon.

[Irma] Harry, since we ruled out Big Sur

may be we should at least let her stay at the Twitchell's.

I hate to have her angry with us.

Well, which is more important?

Being a good parent or winning a popularity contest?

She can handle it.

She's not a child anymore.

She's a young woman.

You must have noticed she, um, well, you know, developed.

I know she is developed outside, Irma.

But what about inside?

I'm going to tell her she can stay at the Twitchell's.

- But, Irma-- - We may be taking a chance.

But it's a chance we're going to take.

That's the best way to raise children?

Las Vegas style?

How come she hasn't phoned for the last two days?

She's probably busy having fun.

Well, what kind of an excuse is that?

She could spare two minutes.

It's your own fault. The way you've raised her.

This is some house.

Not only do the walls have ears, they have a big mouth too.

Harry, shh.

This is none of my business and I don't intend to mix in.

If there is one thing I know, it's my place.

I'm just a totally ignored grandmother

who came 400 miles by coach to eat leftovers

and I don't intend to try to tell you

how to raise your children.

Good.

You do whatever you think best

and you won't hear a peep out of me.

- I think we should call her. - You're making a big mistake.

Not that it matters to me. I'm out of it.

[clicks on light]

What's the matter, dear?

I can't sleep, Irma. I'm worried about Alice.

I should've been firm with her.

[Selma] 'My neighbor was firm with her daughter.

She still ran away to Tahoe with a slot machine mechanic.

I'm gonna tell her to get back here now.

I don't care if there isn't any place for her to sleep.

I want her in this house.

I know why you're doing this.

You just want me to leave.

Well, you've got your wish.

- I'm going. - Now, mother.

There is no food in the ice box back home.

And my gas is turned off.

And that electric blanket you sent me for Christmas

never did work. But what does it matter?

Who am I? Nobody.

Mother, you're not a nobody.

But I must be. You sent me a coach ticket.

And only nobodies travel coach.

Selma, can we talk later?

And believe me, there is nothing wrong with traveling coach.

You don't have to explain.

I know my place in life.

Just a poor rear end of the plain grandmother.

But it's two in the morning.

You'll wake them all up dear.

If I am losing sleep, they can lose sleep.

Hello, Mr. Twitchell. I'm sorry if I woke you up, but--

[party music]

I don't think I woke them up.

Hello?

- What? - This is Harry Boyle.

Whoever you are, come on over and join the party, baby.

[Harry] No, this is Alice's father.

Sure, bring her over if you want.

- I'm going over there. - What?

I'm going over there!

Is that you, Funky?

Quiet, Harry, you'll blow my cover.

Ralph, what are you doing here?

I got it under surveillance.

This is definitely a commie hangout.

The backyard is full of vodka bottles.

I've been trying for hours to get inside but no luck so far.

- They won't let you in? - It's not that.

I can't get my legs untangled.

- Have you seen Alice? - You mean, she's in there?

She won't be for long.

[doorbell ringing]

Well, hi, there.

Doll, this is Mr. Harry Boyle.

Oh, good evening, Mrs. Twitchell.

No, no, no, man. This is Mrs. Adams.

Mrs. Twitchell is in Catalina with her scuba instructor.

She is the fickle one. Mr. Bronson is broken-hearted.

Uh, look if you don't mind, I-I wanna talk to my daughter.

What's the name again, man?

Alice, she's here with your daughter Mary Lou.

Oh, but Mary Lou left.

She went out with Big Daddy the guitar player.

Maybe Alice went with them.

But that's terrible.

I mean, wow, that's absolutely unthinkable.

I paid him to stay here the whole night.

[door opens and closes]

- Where's Alice? - I don't know.

Wasn't she at the Twitchell's, pop?

No. What are you doing home?

We couldn't find Mexico.

But where's my baby?

Now, Irma, stay calm.

If she ran off with the sailor

she'll be back as soon as he has to ship out again.

Oh, Selma, please.

Chet, do you know a guitar player called Big Daddy?

- Hey, yeah. - How can I get a hold of him?

Call his agent. But he'll probably ask a 100 a night.

I mean, where does he live?

I think some trailer, somewhere, pop.

- He's got six kids. - I'm calling the police.

What's the police's number?

Gee, pop, I don't call 'em. They call me.

Reporting a missing person's report on Alice.

[Julius barks]

Missing? I'm not missing.

Alice, my baby.

Oh, papa, you were right.

The Twitchells are weird.

They didn't care where I was or what I did.

They didn't even know I existed.

It's no fun being free if nobody cares.

- We care. - We sure do.

I suppose you'll be wanting her bedroom back.

There's no problem. I can leave.

It's 3:30 in the morning.

But what difference does that make?

I can pack fast.

It doesn't matter if my clothes get wrinkled.

They're all last year's anyway.

I haven't been able to afford a new stitch work...

Well, I don't know how long. But who cares?

I'm just a grandmother.

Okay, we're all set.

Selma, you sleep in Alice's room.

Alright.

Mama will be in her regular bed.

- And Alice, you'll be with her. - Okay.

And, Chet, you have your own big bed upstairs.

Okay, pop.

And I'll sleep here on the sofa.

Well, isn't anyone going to object?

I mean the head of the house having to sleep down here

on this lumpy sofa?

Gee, pop, we wouldn't dare.

Remember, you make the rules around here.

[upbeat music]

[theme music]