Original subtitles

You really mean it, pop? A vacation from TV?

Believe me, everybody will benefit.

You'll discover there are other good things in life besides TV.

- Like what? - Like conversation, books.

Like doing things instead of watching things.

[telephone rings]

Must be Chuck Waterman.

He only calls during station breaks.

You see, you don't realize how the tube dominates you all.

Harry, really? Aren't you exaggerating?

Sure, come on over tonight between

"Adam-12" and "Cool Million."

[theme song]

♪ I love my mum and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mum starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mum's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

[joyful music]

Let's see 'em do that with their Frisbees.

Hey, everybody, I'm home early.

Irma, the breadwinner's home.

Olly Olly oxen free.

Fine thing.

'Here I'm struggling to pay off

a $30,000 mortgage'

and nobody uses the place.

Well, at least there's one survivor.

- Alice. Shh? - Shh.

It's a movie I've been dying to see. "Teenage Blob."

- Hi, Chet. - Shh.

Another "shh." What is this? A public library?

He just punched her in the jaw.

Now she's getting up and trying to kiss him. Listen.

[woman on TV] I still love you. Kiss me.

The reason she sounds funny is her front teeth are missing.

You may not remember me, but--

Pop, please, my girl's TV broke and she never misses

this particular program.

He's down on his knees now.

I think he's asking forgiveness.

Now he's helping her look for her teeth.

- Where's Jamie? - Mowing the lawn.

[whirring]

[gunfire on TV]

Irma, isn't there anybody here who isn't watching...

[dog barking on TV]

[Julius growls]

I know. Shh.

[whirring]

Oh, hi, dear. I didn't know you were home.

I had the same feeling.

Look, I'm making chocolate cake, your favorite.

Well, I'm glad somebody is normal around here.

Do you realize that every other member of this family

even the dog is--

Excuse me, dear

the commercials are over.

[Harry] Two sets? What is this? Stereo TV?

My two favorite soap opera's come on at the same time.

[Harry] But how can you watch both at once?

It's easy. Just like playing two bingo cards at once.

Mrs. Breslow can watch three sets at once.

But of course, she plays a lot more bingo.

That's the wrong bowl.

Honey, my favorite cake is chocolate, not goldfish.

[hammering]

[Ralph] Hands up.

Ow!

You gotta be more alert, old buddy.

Commie agent could sneak in here

and zap you before you knew it.

Hey, what happened to your thumb?

Here, I'll show you.

Don't hit that. You want it to go off.

- What you making? - The answer to widescreen TV.

I don't get it.

[Harry] It's a wide screen to put in front of your TV.

[Ralph] Yeah, but then nobody will be able to see the picture.

Well, that's not the answer either.

But there must be something I can do to show 'em

that there's more to life than staring at a television set.

How about taking them to the movies?

Yeah, this might be a start.

Stand by, Ralph, you are about to see

a sample of total 20th century panic.

[Alice] Hey, what happened?

[Chet] What's going on?

[Irma] Harry, come quick, Harry.

Hurry!

[Julius howling]

Quick, turn to channel three.

Dolores is just going into brain surgery.

- This set doesn't work. - This one too?

Well, try slapping it.

That always works with the hair dryer.

[thudding]

No television. What's happening to the world?

Wait a minute. Jamie. He's got a battery portable.

[Chet] Quick! Switch to channel eight.

- Channel three. - 28.

Click

Hi, friends. My name is Harry Boyle

and I'm your father.

Now if you'll come in the house

I have an announcement to make

voices of which are not prerecorded.

You really mean it, pop? A vacation from TV?

Believe me, everybody will benefit.

You'll discover there are other good things in life besides TV.

- Like what? - Like conversation, books.

Like doing things instead of watching things.

[telephone rings]

Must be Chuck Waterman.

He only calls during station breaks.

You see, you don't realize how the tube dominates you all.

Harry, really? Aren't you exaggerating?

Sure, come on over tonight between

"Adam-12" and "Cool Million."

[Harry] Exaggerating? You hear that?

We don't even use a clock anymore. Everything is TV.

Now, I'm suggesting an experiment.

Let's try turning off the tube and turning on real life.

- Oh, gee, pop. - It won't be so bad, Jamie.

Besides, I read that if you sit too close to color TV

you can pick up radiation.

And the way you hang around in front of set

before long we'll be able to put you in a darkroom

and read a newspaper by you.

I've read that too but I think you have to be

in front of the TV set for couple of thousand programs.

You'll qualify by the time you're 12.

But I wanna see the good shows before the networks cancel them.

[Harry] We're beating them to it.

The Boyles are gonna cancel the show.

What do you mean?

I mean, starting now, this family is taking

a total cold turkey vacation from television for two weeks.

Two whole weeks? Oh, no!

[dice rattling]

Now isn't playing games better than tube watching, huh?

And when Chet gets back with the ice cream

we'll have a little party.

But I can't help worrying about poor Dolores

going into brain surgery, while her fifth husband

the one with amnesia is running around--

Dolores will be fine. Roll the dice, Jamie.

You'll see. This will all make us better friends again.

Six, hot dog! I go to jail.

That was a five and that puts you on my Marvin Gardens

with four houses.

- That was six. - Five. You're cheating.

- I am not. You're fibbing. - Hey, knock it off.

The big thing in playing a game is to be good sport.

[dice clatters]

[Irma] Seven. Boardwalk.

Harry, you owe me $2,300.

- You wanna wipe me out? - Sure.

Oh, you're sure being a lousy sport.

[Chet] Uh, hi, everyone.

You the parents of this peeping Tom?

Peeping Tom?

Caught him down the street

peeking through a window at a girl.

Now, hold on here. There's gotta be a mistake.

Nobody peeks in windows anymore.

Why should they with the magazines out today?

And I wasn't, pop.

You see what happened was I was passing this house

and saw this girl had the big basketball game on.

So why didn't you watch the game at home?

We don't have a TV set.

Oh, come on, sonny, don't give me that.

This is America, ain't it?

He's right. I locked them all up in the closet.

Now, let me get this straight.

You locked away all your TV sets?

And right in the middle of Dolores' brain surgery.

I figured our family would be better off

without TV for a while.

Tell me, are you, uh you know, regular outpatient

at a clinic somewhere maybe?

- Of course not! - Okay, okay, don't get violent.

Sorry, fella, I didn't realize what was going on.

My name's Callahan. If you wanna file charges

against him for child abuse I'll be a witness.

Gee, I'm sorry, pop. I know I promised not to watch

but the game looked so good I couldn't help it.

Ah! Makes you realize what a grip it's got on us.

A man isn't safe from TV than on the streets.

Well, shall we get back to the game?

Do we have to? My eyes hurt.

I think it's from not watching TV.

We might as well finish it.

But this really isn't the answer. It's too tame.

So, I'm gonna give you all something

you can never get on television.

The excitement and adventure of going back to nature.

Back to nature?

Right! I am gonna give you America.

Harry, before you give them America...

Yeah?

...give me my $2,300.

[door opens]

- Is papa around? - He said he'd be back soon.

[Chet] Are we still blacked out?

Please remember, children

your father is only trying to help you.

But this is hurting us, mom.

We have a right to improve our mind and TV is educational.

What was the last educational program you watched?

Well, mom, there was, uh, a, uh...

Well, let me think now.

Well, I can't exactly name one, but--

Hey, last week on "Mannix"

they had a lot of helpful hints on safe cracking.

What we mean is that pop has taken away our means

of keeping informed on news and the vital events of today.

You could always go to the library.

The library? Do they have a TV set there?

[Harry] Hello in there.

Come on out! I've got something to show you.

Now, there she is.

What do you say to that, huh?

You're gonna sell ice cream on a stick?

This is not an ice cream truck. It's a motor home.

But what do we want with a motor home?

With this we're going back to nature.

We're gonna camp by mountain streams in the great forest.

Smell the wild flowers, listen to the birds.

The wonders of the real America.

The one's that you don't get on a 19 inch screen.

Hi, Harry. Hey! What's this thing?

I rented it to replace a television set.

Oh, yeah? How are you gonna get it into the living room?

We're going back to nature in it.

A place called Camp Hilltop. Round up your gear, gang.

We're leaving for three whole days at the glorious good life.

Three days?

But I'll miss Dolores coming out of the anesthesia.

Believe me, gang, you won't miss anything.

And what's more, you'll thank me.

Yes, sir, with this baby the Boyle family is gonna be

cured of the TV virus for good.

[Julius snarling]

[upbeat music]

Ah, isn't it great? We've got everything we need.

A refrigerator full of food, a stove to cook on

a dinette that opens up to beds.

Even a bathroom. Now, what else could you possibly ask for?

Well, if there's a place to plug it in, I'd ask for--

[Harry] Don't say it.

Two letters I don't wanna hear

for the whole trip are...

Right?

Okay, here we go.

[engine sputters and revs]

You'll soon find out that you know what

is something we can do without very easily.

There's something else we can do without, Harry.

- Left turn. - Left turn?

When you turned left, the refrigerator door opened

and all the food fell out.

[snoring]

Hi there, will you fill her up, please?

- Ooh! What'd you say? - I said, fill her up.

- One more time. - Oh, didn't you hear me?

Oh, sure, I heard you. I just like the line.

Always gives me a laugh.

[laughs]

I mean, we maybe out in the sticks

but we have all the modern conveniences.

Including a gas shortage.

I can let you have five gallons.

Five gallons? Well, how far do you think that'll get me?

Well, with careful driving, in a tailwind

it might get you back to the road.

[clanks]

[engine revving]

I haven't stopped at so many gas stations

since the kids were four.

[Irma] 'Couldn't you take another road, Harry?

This one has so many left turns.

With all those stops, we'll never make it to

Hilltop Camp tonight.

That looks like a place ahead. Let's stop there.

[honking]

[door creaks]

You got the time?

Well, yeah. It's ten after nine.

Then I wouldn't advise doing it again.

- Doing what? - Honkin' the horn.

That an anti-noise law.

First honk's free, second one will cost you $30.

Okay, okay. You rent out parking spaces?

Yup.

With water and electrical hook up?

- Yup. - You got a deal.

So do you... From November 14th.

November 14th? That's six months away.

More than that. I mean November 14th, next year.

We're reserved up till then.

You mean, you expect me to wait here for 18 months?

That's up to you. Just don't honk your horn.

Gee, another "No vacancy" sign, pop.

Every place is full.

I never thought there were these many people

whose father's locked up their TV sets.

When are we gonna stop, papa? We're tired.

Pretty soon. Hey, wait a minute.

We don't need a place. We can stop anywhere.

Sure. Tell mum to get the beds ready.

And I'll just pull over to the side of the road.

Why didn't I think of this before?

Well, go ahead. Make that into a double bed.

I already did.

That's for two?

Where was this thing built? In Munchkin Land?

[knock on door]

Are you expecting someone?

Sorry to disturb you, but there's no parking here.

No parking?

A million miles into the woods and there's no parking?

- That's the law. - But why?

I'm blocking a moose's driveway?

Am I causing a traffic jam?

I'm maybe miles too close to a fire hydrant?

- Harry, please. - They all get mad, lady.

These vehicles look real good in the television ads

but people don't realize the problems.

You've been watching television?

Oh, tell me, is Dolores gonna pull through in surgery?

Will she have any scars on her head?

How did "Teenage Blob" end?

What happened with Scooby-Doo and The Three Stooges?

Easy, group. Down.

You'll have to excuse them, officer.

They've been marooned for days

without food, water, Monty Hall.

Couldn't we stay here just one night?

- Sorry, ma'am. - But I'm a tax payer.

I helped pay for this road.

And if you don't move

you're gonna contribute another 20 bucks.

[bike whirrs]

Oh here comes a curve.

[Harry] Left turn, everyone.

[door creaks]

Hey, there's a place.

[Harry] "'Happy Valley Rest."'

Oh, that sounds good.

And I don't see a "No vacancy" sign.

But it's not listed in the directory, Harry.

Must be a new one. That's why it's not full up.

- Hey, we're in luck. - I can smell flowers.

Gee, it's awful dark out. Why don't they have a light on?

- Sure is quiet too. - That's just what we want.

A nice, dark, quiet place with flowers around.

And that's what we've got. Look!

[wolves howling]

Well, at least, they don't have to worry about

looking for a parking place.

Okay, everybody, wake up. We made it.

Now, we have to park perfectly level

or the refrigerator won't work.

Chet, will you check the bubble on top of the icebox?

[Chet] That's got it, pop.

Well, here we are. Great, huh?

Oh, yes. Just great.

Good work, Chet. We're located perfectly.

[Harry] Ow!

What happened?

I guess we're not located so perfectly.

The fireplace is right next to the door.

There. That's not gonna move.

Now, we'll connect the water and the electricity.

- I'll turn them on. - They don't reach.

I guess you'll have to back up.

That means, moving all those rocks.

Oh, I'll do it in the morning.

Or rather, you'll do it in the morning.

Okay.

Just tell me which of those is water

and which is electricity.

[Jamie] Here it goes.

splash

You don't have to tell me. I got it now.

That one's water, right, pop?

Morning, dear.

- Did you sleep well? - Oh, yeah. Fine.

How about you?

Well, um, the bed was a little small

but very level, Harry.

Very level.

- Where are the kids? - Up and out.

They're very excited about being here.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

The old Boyle blood responds to the solitude of the wilderness.

You can't go out like that.

Why not? You saw the place last night.

It's totally deserted.

[inhales deeply]

[indistinct chattering]

I tried to tell you.

They all must have come in during the night.

This isn't nature. This is an aluminum slum.

Call the group. We're leaving.

There's gotta be some outdoors somewhere

and we're gonna find it.

[Harry] Now, this is more like it.

Hey, everybody, get your sleeping bags and stuff.

We're gonna camp out for a couple of days

and not even use this fancy rig.

He's flippo.

Now, let's see. I think I packed the hatchet in here.

Oh, boy, a TV!

We can watch the All-Star baseball game tomorrow.

Is that on tomorrow?

Uh, wait a minute. It makes no difference. No TV.

Now, come on, pioneers. The good life awaits.

Hey, these biscuits are sensational.

Where'd you get the recipe?

Uh, well, if you must know

I got the recipe from this cooking class on television.

Oh!

Now, the best part. A little hike.

We'll take off and go north for a mile or two.

Uh, excuse me, pop, but north is that way.

Oh, what makes you think so?

You can tell by the moss on the trees.

I saw Daniel Boone do it on TV.

Oh!

[Irma] Well, that was a very pleasant walk.

Would you like a nice cold drink of water?

Sure, but how could it be cold in this weather?

[gulping]

Hey, it is cool.

Evaporation of the water through the cloth bag does it.

- I saw it in "Kung Fu." - On television.

[blowing air]

These air mattresses.

I could blow up a truck tire easier.

[coyotes howling]

- Wolves? - It's only a coyote.

- Wolves have a deeper howl. - A-are you sure?

I see them all the time on TV.

[howling continues]

Well, what would you like to do this afternoon, son?

How about some baseball?

Oh! You'd like to sneak in here and watch a few innings on TV?

- Well, it's not such a bad-- - No, I mean, play baseball.

A little catch.

Play it? Not watch it?

I kinda like getting away from the TV.

You were right, pop. This nature stuff is okay.

Uh, well, I-look, why don't you play catch with Chet?

Uh, I wanna look around a little, huh?

Okay.

Oh, Jamie, would you help us?

We need some things from the motor home.

We're making a special banquet for papa tonight.

[man on TV] It's a beautiful day here at the ballpark, sports fan

with a record crowd on hand.

[Irma] Harry! What are you doing here?

Okay, guys, I might as well confess.

I sneaked in to watch a little...

...if you'll pardon the expression, television.

- But you said-- - I know!

But I've learned something.

Maybe we've all learned something.

You found out that there are other things in life

and I found out that maybe

the big tube isn't so terrible after all.

[squeaking]

How's the picture now Irma?

[Irma] It's fine, dear.

Okay, boys, come on in. We'll catch the big game.

- What are you doing? - Switching channels.

[Irma] We do wanna find out if Dolores, when she was under

the anesthesia for her operation

told the doctor about her second husband who broke out of prison

and ran away with the lawyer's wife after leaving her...

[theme music]