Original subtitles

♪♪

Will somebody please talk to me?

There's nothing to say to a father who takes his son

out of the game just when he was doing so well.

Yeah, you probably gave the poor child an inferiority complex

that will haunt him for the rest of his life.

Yeah, you messed up his ego trip.

Jamie, you understand, don't you?

- Sure, I understand, pop. - Thanks, son.

When the pressure was on, you turned right pink.

[theme music]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mum's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just Wait Till Your Father Gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home... ♪

[Alice] You see what I mean?

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know

Pop, can you open your mouth, please?

That's a strange request.

In this family, most of the time

they want me to keep it shut.

- Come on, please. - Okay.

- Darn! - Looking for something?

You lost your Frisbee?

I was looking for gold filling. We'd be sitting pretty.

That's just worth over a $100 an ounce.

Sorry, son.

Too bad I didn't have the foresight to have cavities.

What's Jamie doing?

Looking for the treasure of Sierra Madre.

You're no help, Julius.

[doorbell rings]

[Irma] I'll get it.

- Hello, Mr. Adler. - Hi, Irma. Is Harry home?

I was jogging by and I thought I'd drop in

and huddle with him.

Yes, he's home. Come on in.

- Oh, hi, Darren. - Hiya, champ.

You're still sitting on the old butt, huh?

Uh, sorry about that.

[Irma] I'll get you another cup.

Would you like one too, Mr. Adler?

Organic milk if you got it.

- If not, some wheat germ tea. - I don't think I have any.

Okay, make it a beer.

They sponsor all our board games.

The least I can do is use their product.

What can I do for you, Darren?

Well, the old basketball season is rolling around

and we have the kids team all organized at the youth house.

I ran down the roster but I didn't see Jamie's name on it.

Uh, what gives?

Well, I-I don't know.

Maybe he's not interested in basketball.

No. Uh, what's his game? Baseball?

- No. - What sport is he into?

Right now, it's money.

But it ain't normal for a boy not to be interested in sports.

Sports builds character. Take me for instance.

Yeah, I'd say in your case

sports definitely built a character.

It prepares a kid for the game of life.

Teaches him to keep his eye on the ball.

Stiff arm, all those obstacles.

Zig-zag, oh, the competition

and "score the old TD in the end zone of success."

You left out, "And win this one for the Gipper."

- Here's your beer, Mr. Adler. - Oh, thanks.

Look at what sports has done for me.

I'm still in great shape.

Here, let me.

It's my tennis elbow. I got it playin' handball.

glug glug glug

Look, Darren, I don't think Jamie

is a very good basketball player.

Oh, that don't matter, Harry. Winning isn't important.

Participation is.

We're having a meeting at my house tomorrow night

and I think you oughta be there.

I hate to see Jamie left out at the line up.

glug glug glug

See ya.

Remember, the family that plays together stays together.

[Darren screaming]

I must tell Jamie not to leave his skateboard out there.

Basketball might be good for Jamie.

Hitting the ball with the bat will build up his muscles.

Irma, you have the wrong sport.

You don't use a bat in basketball.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking of ice hockey.

Anyway, I think it would be good

for your relationship with Jamie.

It'll show him you care for him.

If he doesn't know by now he's got a regular seat

at the dinner table, he'll never know.

This is different, Harry. You could show him how to play.

- Be a real pal to him. - You know maybe I'm crazy.

But I don't believe a father should be a pal to his son.

He should be a father. Jamie's got enough pals.

Besides, I have a thing against organized sports for kids.

They're gonna get into the organized rat race soon enough.

Why push him now?

But children enjoy themselves more

when they have regular teams with parental supervision.

Who says so?

When I was a kid, I hung an auto tire

on a rope for a swing and I was set for the summer.

The only parental guidance I got from my father

was when he warned me to put the tire back on his car.

At least, you could ask Jamie.

Okay, but I'm not gonna push him.

[caterwauling]

Grr

[caterwauling]

[both snarling]

[whining]

[caterwauling]

Talking about sports, I think Julius

is about to become a track star.

I don't know if I have time for basketball, pop.

I've got my lawn mowing business, my car washing service

and my newspaper route.

Well, I don't wanna disrupt your financial empire.

But don't get me wrong, pop.

- I like sports. - You do?

When I grow up, I'm planning to buy the Los Angeles ranch.

Creak creak

[Harry] If you keep filling up that safe

you're gonna be able to buy Howard Cosell.

- Pop. - Yeah.

How much does Jerry West make?

The last I heard, it was $200,000.

Where do I go to sign up?

[Ralph] Sounds great, Harry.

Sports are really gonna bring you and Jamie closer together.

I don't know about that but at least Irma's happy.

I envy you having a son.

That's the one big disappointment in my life.

- I don't have a boy. - I can understand that, Ralph.

Ah, the times we would have had together.

I can just see me and my son on a Sunday morning

standing in the front lawn

playing catch with a hand grenade.

Me teaching him the little things

that only a father can teach his son.

Assembling the machine gun blindfolded.

How to bug your best friend's telephone.

When I take him out to the old ball game

how to boo the minority players.

Gets me sometimes, Harry. That gets me.

Ralph I don't wanna get personal

but if you feel that way, how come you never had children?

Harry, all our lives, my wife and me have been fighting

pornography and sex.

How would it look, if we had it right in our own house?

I'm glad you decided to get Jamie involved in basketball.

It will get him outdoors a lot more.

Irma, they play basketball indoors.

Oh, you're right.

I was thinking of bowling.

[whistle blowing]

Hi, Harry.

Hey, those are wild door chimes.

The hardware store doesn't have any chimes.

Come on, Jamie.

Wait a minute, what's the kid doing here?

Well, I thought that was what this meeting was about

to talk about the kids.

Sure it is, but we never allow any of them to attend.

They only slow things down.

Well, it seems to me that since they're the ones playing.

Harry, we've been doing this for years.

Now, take the kid home.

We don't wanna set any bad precedents.

You go in, Harry. I'll take Jamie home and come back.

Let's go, dear.

Come on in, Harry and meet the gang.

[indistinct chattering]

[blowing whistle]

Team, this is Harry Boyle.

He's moving off the side lines

and getting into the ball game with us.

Hi.

Mr. Boyle, I'm Jack Gaines, real estate.

I've passed your house a few times.

And if you're interested in selling

I think I can get you 27-5 for it.

Swing you right into a new condominium my firm is handling.

- It's only-- - Oh, no, thanks.

I'm not interested in selling right now.

Oh! Well, if you ever change your mind, here's my card.

Harry, your family needs a second car.

Drop by my lot, I've got some beauties

I haven't even advertised on TV.

And since our kids are gonna be the same team

I'll give you ten percent off.

Well, I don't really need it.

Here's my card. Come in any time.

On Saturdays, we're open till 4 in the morning.

- And how old is your boy? - Ten.

You know, it's refreshing for a change

to have someone discussing the children.

Well, your son is just the right age to be enrolled

in my company's major medical policy.

All it takes is your signature right here and $300

to cover the first six months.

Ha-ha-ha.

Well, talk to your wife and if you decide to get new carpeting

I'll be happy to run over and give you an estimate.

Call me.

This isn't a meeting, it's a garage sale.

[whistle blowing]

[Darren] The meeting is called to order.

Now, the first order of business is who's house

are we gonna have the next meeting at?

Any volunteers? Well, how about you, Jim?

I'd love to, Don, but I'm right in the middle of remodeling.

Have you bought your new carpeting yet? I have a sale...

[whistle blows]

You're out of order. Uh, how about you, Jack?

I'd the meeting at my house last month

and I still haven't been reimbursed for the Danish.

Will you pick up the ball on that, Sally.

- You're treasury. - I'll need a breakdown.

Now, um, how many prune Danish and how many cheese?

One dozen prune, $1.35.

One dozen cheese, $1.50.

They had to sprinkle almonds on top.

Oh, also two dozen chocolate chip cookies 79 cents.

As head of the sunshine committee

I make a motion, we send a "Get well" card

to Mrs. Webster in the hospital.

- What she in for? - I heard it was a nose job.

I don't know if they got cards for that.

We'll just send her a complete set

of bubble gum baseball cards.

- Have I missed much, Harry? - Oh, a lot.

Cheese Danish is 15 cents more than prune

because of the sprinkled almonds on top.

We can sell our house for 27-5.

And I think Mrs. Webster is about to receive

a set of bubble gum baseball cards in honor of her nose job.

Haven't they talked about the team or the children?

Well it came up once but the chair rolled it

out of order because at that time, Mr. Ferguson

was showing slides of his vacation trip to Hawaii.

[whistling]

Okay, now, as you know, last year's coach

is stepping down to the pressing business.

And the fact that we lost all our games.

So, it's up to us to come up with a coach this year.

We'll whip the team into shape.

How about that? They're actually talking about the team.

How many volunteers do we have for the coaching job?

- Now let's hear it out there. - I don't have the time.

It'll interfere with my bowling nights.

I'm outta town a lot.

Mr. Adler seems to know so much about sports.

Why doesn't he do the coaching?

That's exactly what I was thinking.

I'm gonna ask him.

We've got a volunteer.

Harry Boyle. Let's hear it for Harry Boyle.

[clapping]

Oh, you don't understand. I-I was just gonna...

You're doing a fine thing, Harry.

Working with kids is the most

gratifying experience in the world.

And just to show my appreciation I want you to have this.

Okay, Mr. Tableton, if your boy's got what it takes

I'll definitely consider him.

Yeah, goodbye.

That's the ninth call I've had this morning.

Every father wants their kid to be the star center.

- That's unfair, Harry. - It sure is.

We all know Jamie's gonna be the star center.

Yeah, I checked it out.

And centers get the most money in pro ball.

Nobody is going to be the star anything on this team.

The idea of a kids team

is for everybody to get an equal chance to play.

So just because I'm your father, don't expect any favoritism.

Sure, pop. Sure.

How did I ever get into this?

I forgot the most important rule I learnt in the army.

Never raise your hand for anything.

Don't knock it, pop.

I find in my work in the ghetto

sports are great for kids.

It teaches young people to love each other.

Love each other?

You know the name, the parents voted for our team?

"The Elm Street Killers."

I for one, detest basketball.

It's just another male chauvinistic sport.

Do you know the Lakers don't have one girl on their team?

Maybe it's for the best.

I don't think girls look very attractive

in helmets and shoulder pads.

Irma, they don't wear helmets and shoulder pads in basketball.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking of water polo.

[phone ringing]

That's got to be another call from the parents lobby.

Hello?

[indistinct chatter]

I understand. Yes, Mr. Forbes.

You want your boy to play center.

No. I won't let the fact

that he's three feet one prejudice me.

Goodbye.

Irma, if anybody calls don't give 'em my office number.

Bye.

Hiya, coach.

Happened to be passing by

so I thought I'd drive you to work.

And on the way, let me tell you about my boy Billy.

When it comes to playing center

he's got more moves than Will Chamberlain.

♪♪

Well, your first big game tonight, huh, Harry?

- Yeah. - Well, you can relax.

Your team is in for an undefeated season.

Come over here, Hector. Meet your new center.

He's the star of our vigilante team

we'll be happy to loan him out to you.

Are you outta your mind, Ralph?

He must be at least 19.

No problem. With short pants who's gonna know the difference?

Of course, you'll have to shave during half time.

His beard grows fast.

But this league is for sixth graders.

Then you're in. He's still in the sixth grade.

Show him your stuff, Hector.

[upbeat music]

Pretty good.

Where'd he get those moves?

From the Harlem Globetrotters?

Wash your mouth out.

I happen to know the Harlem Globetrotters

have a few black players.

Ralph, they're all black.

They don't have any white players.

They don't?

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a bunch of bigots.

[indistinct chatter]

Isn't this exciting? Who's winning?

Uh, they haven't started the game yet, mom.

They're just warming up.

Well if they didn't make them wear

those silly short pants

they wouldn't be cold to begin with.

Who's the starting line up besides my boy Billy at center?

Well, I haven't decided who's gonna start yet.

It doesn't really matter.

They're all gonna get to play anyway.

But what kinda strategy is that?

You gotta open up with your big guns.

And Billy's your key man.

Look at him out there. Look at that grace and speed.

Thud

Smart kid. He's saving his shooting eye till the game.

Now, kids, before we start remember one thing.

This is just a game, so relax.

Try to do your best but there's nothing to worry about if--

Go get 'em, guys. We gotta win. Win, win, win.

Now, here's the strategy. Keep feeding the ball to Billy.

- And let him take the shots. - Hold it a minute.

There's only one referee so you can do

a little holding and pushing when his back is turned.

Get out there and tear 'em to pieces.

Remember, nobody likes a loser.

Ah, can I talk to you, Don.

Billy, if you don't score at least 20 points

I'm cuttin' off your allowance.

I thought you said winning isn't important.

Participation is.

Only tryin' to be helpful, Harry.

Well, you can help by getting back into the stands

and letting me do the coaching.

Sure, sure. You're the boss.

You won't get any interference from me.

[whistle blowing]

Good luck, kids.

You outta your mind, Harry?

- You're not starting Billy. - Why isn't my Harold in there?

- Why isn't Philip starting? - Now, hold it. Hold it.

I can only start five at a time. Everybody will get a chance.

You're playing it all wrong, Harry.

We got to get off to a quick lead.

You're gonna blow the game.

- Hurrah, hurrah! - Mom.

- Hurrah, hurrah! - Mom.

Mom! That was the other team that just scored.

Oh, it's hard to tell them apart. They're all so cute.

I wonder why papa hasn't put Jamie in the game yet.

Yeah, he's the only one who hasn't played.

Let's get those two points back, Billy Boy.

Crash

[whistle blowing]

Foul, number five. Foul.

Billy didn't even lay a hand on him.

Why don't you get a pair of glasses, ref. Boo!

Who's paying you off, you bum?

Very nice. They're sure teaching the kids sportsmanship.

Jamie, go in for Harold.

Hey, papa's finally putting Jamie in.

Thank goodness! Now, we're sure to win.

[indistinct chatter]

Hurrah! Jamie scored a basket.

Yeah, for the other team.

[indistinct chatter]

You gotta get your kid outta there.

Since you put him in, they scored 12 points against us.

- In less than two minutes. - I can't take him off.

He's played less than anybody else.

Oh, no. They just scored another basket against us.

Harry, pull him out before it's too late.

[male 1] Stop showing so much favoritism. Get rid of him.

- Take him out. - Pull him.

Okay, okay. David, go in for Jamie.

♪♪

Will somebody please talk to me.

There's nothing to say to a father who takes his son

out of the game just when he was doing so well.

Yeah, you probably gave the poor child an inferiority complex

that will haunt him for the rest of his life.

Yeah, you messed up his ego trip.

Jamie, you understand, don't you?

- Sure, I understand, pop. - Thanks, son.

When the pressure was on you turned rat fink.

[car engine whirring]

I'm glad I just trimmed the branches off the magnolia tree.

I've got a feeling they're here to lynch me.

Harry, we wanna talk to you. We got a lot on our mind.

Well, I got a few things on mine too.

Where were all you geniuses when the coaching job was available?

Nobody wanted it then

but now you're crawling out of the woodwork.

One game just one game and you've turned

a bunch of ten year olds into nervous wrecks.

Now, Harry. that's being unkind.

Unkind?

Is it unkind to be a little miffed

about parents who behave like this was jungle warfare?

Some fine example you're setting for your son.

Threatening to cut off his allowance

if he doesn't score like Bill Walton.

That was just an incentive.

That's not an incentive, it's blackmail.

What is this mania about winning?

The whole idea's for the kids to have fun and healthy exercise

and you're all screaming for blood, mostly mine.

Harry, there's nothing wrong with wanting your kids to win.

There's nothing wrong with them learning to lose either.

When they go through life

it's gonna be about 50-50 if they're lucky.

Your putting these kids under more pressure

than the NBA playoffs.

Well, this is the way you wanna run a team, run it without me.

Find yourself another unsuspecting pigeon.

Okay, okay. From now on we promise not to butt in.

You call 'em as you see 'em, Harry. Right, gang?

- Right. - Absolutely.

As far as I'm concerned

my whistle still belongs in your mouth.

- Settled? - Well...

Come on, everybody. Let's leave the coach alone.

He probably wants to map out the strategy for the next game.

I think we ought to apologize too, Harry.

Just when you needed encouragement, we made it worse.

Aw, that's alright. What's a father for

if not to get it from both ends?

Well, I still don't approve of basketball, papa.

But you're the nicest male chauvinist I know.

Thanks, Alice.

Pop, about the next game, can I ask you a favor?

Don't worry, Jamie, I'll let you play a lot longer.

Oh, I don't care about that.

But I noticed that during the half-time

the kids were getting very thirsty.

Can I set up a lemonade concession in the locker room?

[laughing]

[whistle blowing]

Keep that defense tight, guys.

What's wrong with you, Harry? Why aren't you starting Billy?

You're leaving my Harold on the bench.

And he's the best player you got.

If my Philip isn't there in the beginning

we don't have a chance.

You're playing it all wrong.

Next spring when the little league baseball season

rolls around, I'm going to be somewhere in Afghanistan.

♪♪

[music fades]