Original subtitles

♪♪

[male 1] Got your regular order coming right out, Mr. Boyle.

Oh, you heard about the ladies club meeting?

[male 1] Yeah, but I wish I'd had some advance notice.

I must have had 20 husbands in here

before I could get my fat heated.

[Harry] Well, it was a last minute thing.

Look, I'm not knockin' it.

They keep up this three-a-week schedule

I'll be wearing silk underwear for life. Ha ha ha.

Makes you wonder if maybe all these housewives clubs

aren't secretly financed by the chicken pluckers of America.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mum and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ See what I mean? ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Oh, what a day.

I can't wait to get out of these hot clothes, relax

and have a nice home-cooked meal for a change.

For a change?

[Harry] Irma's had to go to ladies

club meetings the last couple of nights.

So the rest of us had been getting dinner

from the chicken pick-up joint.

Well, she's gonna make it all up to you tonight, pal.

Lookie there, all dolled up to give her hubby

a big smoochy welcome home.

Come on, Ralph.

You've been married long enough to know

wives don't get dressed up

just for their husband.

Obviously, she and I are supposed

to go somewhere tonight

and I'm late and forgot all about it.

I guess you're gonna catch it.

No. Maybe I can get away with it.

[chuckles] if I work fast.

I'm sorry, but we'll be late.

♪♪

See you soon, bye-bye.

Jamie, when your father comes home

would you tell him I've had a last minute call

and have to go to another meeting

of the ladies club tonight?

How long before you're ready, Irma?

Harry, I didn't know you were home.

Oh, come now, dear.

You didn't think I'd forget about tonight, did you?

[Irma] Forget about tonight? But I'm--

[Harry] Yes, sir. I've really been looking forward to us

stepping out ever since you told me about it.

Just one little thing, Harry. That suit.

It's too formal? Would my brown be better?

I was going to suggest one of my dresses.

Your dresses?

It would be less conspicuous, dear

since it is a ladies club meeting.

The ladies club meeting?

[car horn honking]

Oh, there's my ride.

Harry, I didn't have time to make supper.

Maybe you can pick up some chicken for everybody.

But Irma, these meetings, this is the third night in a row.

I know, dear.

That chicken pick-up joint's

gonna be putting in a parking

space with my name on it.

I'm sorry, but these meetings really are important.

Now that we've decided to go into charity work

and help disaster victims.

But you've got disaster victims here.

A whole family coming down with a coleslaw rash.

No, mom's right.

She is doing something important.

So we shouldn't mind putting up

a little inconvenience for her sake.

Thank you, Jamie.

Bye, dear.

That was some speech.

The preceding was a paid political announcement.

Remember, she makes my sandwiches for school.

And I don't wanna be stuck with a whole week of liverwurst.

Smart boy. A sellout, but smart.

Hi, papa. How come you're all dressed up for dinner?

Oh, I just thought my basic blue would go nice

with greasy fingers.

Oh, chicken again, huh?

But couldn't you go somewhere else for a change?

I don't think so.

I have the feeling now

they've grown to expect me.

[store-doorbell dings]

♪♪

[male 1] Got your regular order coming right up, Mr. Boyle.

Oh, you heard about the ladies club meeting?

[male 1] Yeah, but I wish I'd had some advance notice.

I must have had 20 husbands in here

before I could get my fat heated.

[Harry] Well, it was a last minute thing.

Look, I'm not knockin' it.

They keep up this three-a-week schedule

I'll be wearing silk underwear for life. Ha ha ha.

Makes you wonder if maybe all these housewives clubs

aren't secretly financed by the chicken pluckers of America.

[both laughs]

Yeah. Hey, it ain't always been easy, pal.

My first place was in a neighborhood

that had nothin' but bachelors.

Nobody came in the door.

They were swingin', I was starved.

So I moved here where they were mostly

married guys around, you know.

And after only three months

I was able to buy a new truck just from the coleslaw.

Oh, which reminds me, no slaw with mine.

Yeah, I always say

if you wanna find out just how many

active, dedicated charity-minded wives

live in the neighborhood, just count up how many

chicken takeout stands there are around, right?

Why are they havin' all these meetings anyway?

Mama said her club wants to go in for community betterment.

But they haven't been able to decide on a good cause yet.

What's wrong with a sensible old-fashioned commie witch-hunt?

I suggested they do something about smog.

That's a big problem today.

And you got the Russkies to thank for it.

But the smog comes from our cars and our factories.

Come on, Alice, you can't believe that good, solid

union-made American cars make smog?

Ridiculous. This stuff comes into our cities in cans.

- What cans? - Oh, them spray containers.

You know, hair set, shaving cream, paint.

Well, they got enemy agents in our factories

sneakin' condensed smog in all them spray cans.

[Alice] You really believe our smog is coming out of spray cans?

Absolutely. There's your big Soviet weapon.

Tss. Tss. Tss.

Our whole country is spritzing itself into slavery.

Hi, everybody. I'm back.

[Alice] Oh, how'd it go, mama, did you find a project?

Well, we discussed several and Carol Braslow suggested

we establish a sanctuary to save birds.

Oh, I'm afraid you're too late with that idea, Irma.

In the last three weeks, this family alone has eaten

more birds than you're ever gonna save.

Anyway, we finally decided we would raise money

to fight disease.

But it's not gonna be easy.

- Raising money? - No. Finding the disease.

All the good ones are taken.

[Ralph] Yeah, it's terrible the way them big charities

have hogged all the real goodies.

Like your heart disease, your polio, your TB.

They just walked in and grabbed them off.

And now we're paying for it.

There's not enough for them to go around.

[phone rings]

Hello. Oh, hi, Beverly.

What?

Wonderful. What is it again?

Yes, and tell the others. Bye.

Guess what, Harry? We've got a disease.

We have?

Beverly found it in an old copy of the "Reader's Digest."

It's called Illeemosis or something like that.

How exciting!

And you haven't heard the best part.

Sometimes it's almost fatal.

[Harry] Oh! Better and better!

Harry, don't take this lightly.

Illeemosis is a big problem today.

Well, if it's such a problem

how come nobody ever heard about it?

But it must be a big problem

if it's in the "Reader's Digest."

She's got a point there. I think it's great, Irma.

Congratulations on your new sickness.

Enjoy it and go to hell.

Ah, what they need is some big poster

showin' one of the ladies pushing a guy

in a wheelchair with Illeemosis.

How do you know people with illeemosis need wheelchairs?

Don't be a nitpicker, Harry.

Wheelchairs are real socko stuff on posters.

Yeah, but you have to be truthful.

Alright. if anybody comes nosin' around

you can always say the guy got hit by a car

on the way home from the doctor's.

Oh, that's terrible! Just terrible!

I'll call you later.

[Harry] What's the matter, honey?

[Ralph] Was that one of them

you-know-what kind of phone calls?

That was Beverly again.

She found out they now have a cure for illeemosis.

Oh, what a lousy break.

Hi, everybody.

- What's the matter, mom? - Uh, she'll be okay, Chet.

She just got some rotten news on the phone.

Seems the country's been struck down

by a terrible epidemic of healthiness.

Of course it's not bad news

but our club has been trying so hard to find a good cause.

You could buy our vigilante group a new flamethrower

to help us guard the country.

Could put a little plaque on it readin'

"Comin' right at you. Courtesy, The Westside Ladies Club."

Oh, maybe we'll have some fresh ideas in the morning.

Poor mama. I hope her club can think of something.

So do I. And soon.

Because if we keep getting all our meals from the pickup stand

we're gonna have a disease around here

before they think of one.

Parrot fever.

[theme music]

I hardly slept at all last night

tryin' to think of something for our club to do.

Honey why don't you and the other women

just go on with your regular meetings

play a little bridge and sooner or later

an opportunity will present itself.

[Irma] But we're anxious to do something now.

Oh, if we only could find a good cause.

Couldn't you just raise money to help build the new hospital?

Wait! I got a real good cause.

To prevent juvenile delinquency

and keep kids off the streets.

Help out building a racetrack

where we could zoom around on mini-bikes.

Well, that'd certainly help fill the new hospital.

Oh, Harry, will you be able to fix the sprinklers today?

[Harry] Well, I'll try, honey.

I've got the hedges to trim

all the weeding, the upstairs closet

to paint, the garage to clean up and the roof to fix.

See you tonight. I'm off to the beach.

The beach?

Well, there's nothing to do

around here.

That boy sure loves the water, doesn't he?

Not when it comes with a bucket and mop.

If your club decides to fight sleeping sickness

Chet would make the perfect poster boy.

- I'd be glad to help you, pop. - Thank you, Jamie.

Boys should always help their fathers.

That's right.

So, if you want me to work

you just have to say the word.

Okay, I'll say the word. How much?

- Fifty cents. - You're on.

- An hour? - You're off.

- All morning? - You're back on.

But isn't Ricky coming over to play?

He can't. He's home with the mumps.

You can start with the garage.

Wait a minute!

Did you hear what Jamie just said?

Sure. His two favorite words, 50 cents.

- He said mumps! - Huh?

Don't you see, Harry? We found it!

Mumps?

Well, actually, Irma's idea

is for the club to raise money for the children's ward

at the new hospital, where they'll be treating

all the usual childhood diseases.

Not bad. Not bad at all. But they'll need a slogan.

Hey, I got it! You ready?

"Donate today. Give mumps their lumps."

That's good, huh? Huh? Huh?

Brings tears to your eyes.

Well, that's my special muscle, Harry.

Promotion hittin' with a big idea.

Hey, I got another.

"Give plenty. Don't weasel on measles."

Watch the end of the cutters, Ralph.

And how about "Put your money in

so some little kid's gallstones can come out."

But I don't think little kids have gallstones.

Who's to know?

[whirring]

Hey! Look what you did. You cut my tie off.

Who's to know?

♪♪

Who does?

The Campfire girls?

Oh, well, thanks.

- How goes the campaign? - Not too good, dear.

Don't tell me they've cured the mumps.

We can't seem to find a good way to raise money.

We want to sell something, but everything's taken.

Like what?

[Irma] We wanted to sell cookies

but the Girl Scouts have those.

The book drive has candy bars

and the Campfire Girls are selling marshmallows.

Pacific League has the donuts

and the nursery school, the cake sale.

With all that going on, what's left to sell?

How about toothbrushes?

[whining]

Harry, this is serious.

We have to raise money.

Okay. Look, how many women in the club?

- About forty. - Okay.

Now, suppose each of them antes in ten bucks.

Now, there you go. That's $400.

We couldn't do that.

Charities are supposed to raise money, not give it.

What would people say?

Well, those with the mumps sure wouldn't object.

[door bell rings]

[Irma] I'll get it.

Come in, Carol.

I was just telling Harry the trouble we were having.

The troubles are over. Problem solved.

Oh, you found a way to raise money?

There's the answer, right there.

Trading stamps. We can redeem them for medical equipment.

What a wonderful idea!

But someone still has to paste these in the books.

Exactly.

Oh, Harry, that's so sweet of you to volunteer.

That'll leave Carol and I free to go out

and collect more stamps.

Oh, look, I-I'd like to help, but--

It's all settled. Everyone's gotta pitch in.

Shoulder to the wheel and row for the shore.

Come on, Irma. I'll drive.

Have those done by the time we get back.

Carol does have a point, dear.

We all should do what we can.

Then let her lick 'em with that big mouth. She'd be a natural.

Harry, please do this one little thing.

Remember, it's for mumps.

Maybe for mumps, but after licking all these

I'm gonna have lockjaw.

Come on in, Carol. I'll make coffee.

[door opens]

[Irma] How'd it go, dear?

What's the matter, Harry? Cat got your tongue?

No, it just happens to be glued to the roof of my mouth.

Well, we couldn't get anybody to contribute stamps

so there won't be anymore to do.

Oh, I could kiss you for that, Irma.

Except they'd never get us apart.

Anyway, we have a much better idea.

We're gonna have a garage sale.

We probably have some old stuff here

I could take over to the sale for ya.

Thanks, but you won't have to take anything over for us.

Why not?

Well, you see, dear, um...

The sale is gonna be here. Heh heh.

[sighs] Naturally.

Harry, hurry up, it's late.

How about a little kiss goodbye?

Okay, but remember, I warned ya.

You may be stuck with me all day.

[Ralph] Ha ha ha. You-you're something.

He's still carrying on because he had to lick

some trading stamps for us.

[Ralph] I know what he means. Them stamps are murder.

I'd licked two full books then threw the rest away.

Since then I've never collected another stamp.

What did you get for your two books?

One of those sponge gadgets for moistening trading stamps.

Anyway, I'll take a chance.

Okay, after all, what better way to cement a friendship.

[Ralph] That reminds me of my first wife.

I never wanted to leave her.

Really, why?

I just couldn't stand the idea of having to kiss her goodbye.

Just one little thing, Harry.

Would you handle the money and keep track

of what we take in at the sale?

I guess I can do that.

And stop at the Corbin's on the way home

and pick up their broken sun lamp.

And at Alan Dinehart's for his beer keg.

Here's the whole list of addresses

and things to be picked up.

Now, these people won't be home tonight

so you'll have to get their things during your lunch hour.

And have your secretary send

announcement letters to all these people.

- But, Irma, I-- - Oh!

Here's a drawing of some shelves we'll need.

Your men at the plant can make them.

And have these posters printed.

And would you think up and ad and then call the newspaper?

- Is that all? - Yes.

Oh I can't tell you how good I feel

now that I'm finally hard at work for a charity.

♪♪

Thud

They sure got a lot of things, didn't they?

Yeah, and I've got a bent spine to prove it.

Hey, this toaster looks familiar.

It should be. Used to be ours.

We gave it to the Girl Scouts

for their garage sale two years ago.

I guess it's been bought and sold over and over, ever since.

- Over and over? - Mm-hmm.

[Harry] You see, people like to buy junk.

But after they get it home

and find they can't use it, do they throw it out?

No. They sell it at their garage sale.

That's America today.

We've replaced the city dump

with a two-car garage.

Where do you want me to put these towels?

Gee, they look like they've never been used.

They haven't been.

Mom thought we should have some

new stuff to sell too.

- She bought them? - Well, not really.

It didn't cost her anything.

She got them with all those trading stamp books.

Harry, there's wonderful news. Guess what? Just wonderful.

You just found out mumps are fatal.

The club has decided to wind up its fund raising campaign

with a wine tasting party, Monday night.

We're gonna charge five dollars a person.

We'll make a fortune.

But, honey, Monday's only two days away.

How can you get everything you need?

I already got everything I need.

What's in there? Invitations? Tickets? Posters?

New shoes and a new dress for me to wear.

I'll be inside. I wanna take the hem up a little.

But, Irma, people will be coming.

W-Who's gonna handle the garage sale?

I was hoping you would, Harry.

After all, I can't do everything.

[quirky music]

Carol, it was so nice of you to let us use your house.

And a good thing you had so many wine glasses.

We didn't. Those were bought with money from the garage sale.

[coughs]

Relax, Harry. We'll make scads of money tonight.

Just think how much all this is helping mumps.

It maybe helping mumps

but it's sure ruining a lot of livers.

- Hey! - Now, Harry, be nice.

Remember, this is a benefit.

Whose benefit? The dry cleaners?

If you like, we can leave now that the party's proved

to be such a big success.

Oh, you're sure it's a success?

Absolutely!

Four people complimented me on my dress.

Did you notice that all the prominent people

in town showed up tonight?

It was worth coming just to soak up the atmosphere.

[quirky music]

What happened to him?

Probably, just soaked up too much atmosphere.

Thud

thud

[Harry] Look out!

[horn honking]

I guess they forgot to tell him it was only grape juice.

This is awful. Look!

They're wrecking their cars and the lawn and everything.

So what? Remember, it is for...

[tires screeching]

...mumps.

[Ralph] So how'd the charity come out financial wise?

Well, first they collected 15 books of stamps.

That's good.

But they used them all to buy

towels for the garage sale.

That's bad.

But the garage sale

brought in over $400.

That's good.

Which, they spent on

supplies for the wine party.

- Go on. - Which took in $1,240.

- I got to put a good on that. - Plus expenses.

After paying for breakage in the house, lawn and shrubbery

the total profit for the month is...42 bucks.

Only 42 bucks? That wouldn't even take care of one month.

- Have you told Irma? - I'll go tell her now.

Poor gal, it's really gonna be a shock.

You've got all the figures?

Let me guess how much we made.

I don't think you'll want to.

I'd say somewhere around $50, right?

Yeah, and you're not disappointed?

Not a bit.

Harry, you remember how we were looking

for a good cause?

Well, we had one all the time

without knowing it.

And it wasn't mumps. It was us.

- Us? - Us 40 wives.

We were the ones who received the charity.

We got out of the rut of card playing

out of the rut of housework and children

and did something different.

- I guess you did at that. - It wasn't easy.

Because we're the kind of woman who are just

kind of lost in-betweeners.

We're not ardent women laborers

yet we wanna be more than housewives.

And for those few weeks, we were.

Irma, if I ever again call you a ding-a-ling

I want you to know, it's just because you are.

[Harry] Morning all.

Mama's got a surprise for you.

Another new dress?

You know how our old toaster was so slow?

Well, look, what I bought last Saturday.

Welcome home.

[pooping]

Oh, dear. It's not working.

Ah, don't worry, honey, we can always get rid of it

at the next garage sale.

[popping]

[laughs]