Original subtitles

I know I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight

with all that money in the house.

Suppose somebody steals our million dollar check?

If you stop thinking of it as ours

you won't worry so much.

Harry, putting it under your pillow is not a very safe place.

The good fairy takes only teeth, Irma, not money.

But there must be a better place.

I could fasten it to the lawn mower.

At least Chet would never find it.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mum and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mum starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mum's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home... ♪

[Alice] You see what I mean?

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

♪♪

♪♪

Breakfast is almost ready, dear.

Good. Now, where can I put this pane of glass

so Chet won't put his foot through it.

Oh, are you gonna fix the window?

Yeah. You know, two months ago

I paid four dollars for a piece of glass.

Today this very same thing cost me seven bucks.

Yeah, prices are getting out of hand.

The only people who can afford to go into a store today

are shoplifters.

[Irma] We'll all end up in the poorhouse.

Right. if they let us have the gasoline to get there.

- Hi, pop. - Look out for the glass, son.

What's the camera for?

Billy's running away from home today

and he's paying me to take some pictures

of his farewell party.

- Who's giving it? - His mother and father.

♪♪

[Harry] Thanks, Julius.

Irma, either get the dogs teeth capped

or keep him away from the morning paper.

This is like reading a player piano roll.

- Morning, daddy dear. - Morning, Alice.

Irma, maybe I better move that glass away from the door.

Can I buy a new dress, daddy dear?

I knew that "dear" was gonna be dear.

What's the occasion?

Well, Carolyn is getting me a date

with her ex-boyfriend Fletcher

but she used to borrow all my clothes.

So?

So Fletcher's seen every dress in my wardrobe.

Well, if he's seen all your clothes

why don't you borrow a dress from Carolyn?

Oh, daddy, she has absolutely no taste in clothes.

Okay, Alice, get the dress

and tell Carolyn to wear and good health.

[Alice] Oh, thank you, papa.

crash

Good morning, Chet.

Hey, where did all the broken glass come from?

[Harry] The jewelry store.

- Huh? - At seven bucks a carat.

Oh, speaking of that, could you advance me 20 bucks, pop?

- You wanna buy a dress too? - Yeah. How'd you know?

[gulps]

Actually, it's more of a toga.

We're forming a new rock group called

"Blood, Sweat and Socrates."

- I'm Socrates. - Well I'm not Onassis.

You kids must think I'm made of money.

Here's the mail.

There's something from the internal revenue service.

- Must be our tax refund. - Oh, we're getting money back?

I could use some shoes to got with the dress.

And I'll need sandals to go with my toga.

I've had my eye on some Canadian mining stocks.

I'll tell you what?

It's not much, but we'll all share in the bonanza.

We'll split it five ways.

- What is it, Harry? - Something's haywire here.

Did they disallow Julius's dog food?

Oh, my goodness! The checks for $940,000.

[Julius barking]

- We're rich! We're rich! - Now, wait a minute.

This money doesn't belong to me.

The-the computer made a mistake.

It's no mistake. It says "Harry Boyle" right there.

What a wonderful surprise.

My father was wrong. You did make good.

Since we each get a fifth, that's a $190,000 apiece.

Oh, will you maniacs settle down?

Now, there was a mistake.

All I was entitled to was $94, not $940,000.

The computer obviously slipped some extra zeroes in there.

- So, what are you gonna do? - Well, take it back.

I'm certainly not gonna cheat the government.

I'm going downtown right now and return it.

Eat you pancakes, Harry. It's Saturday. They're closed.

Sure. Live it up, pop.

At least until Monday, you're a millionaire.

Boy, I sure wish pop would reconsider.

If he keep that check

life sure would be a lot easier around here.

Hi, Irma. Harry home?

He's around the house fixing a broken window.

He just got a check in the mail for $940,000.

Nine hundred and forty thousand bucks for a broken window?

Who's your insurance company, Lloyds of Las Vegas?

Oh, it wasn't for the window. It was for...

Chet, this really isn't something to discuss.

Absolutely right. Family matter.

Don't worry, Chet. I'll never let him know I know.

- What say, Harry? - Oh! Hi, Ralph.

940 big ones, huh, Harry? Wowie!

I thought you were in the pot and pan business.

What've you got in the back, a butcher shop?

Oh! So you heard, huh?

Yeah, but I absolutely cannot reveal my new source.

So don't ask me who told me. I promised Chet.

Well, it's nothing to get excited about.

Someone just made a mistake somewhere.

Hey, maybe not, Harry.

Maybe the Ruskies sent you that money on purpose.

Russians?

Yeah, part of their world conquest scheme.

Yeah I'm getting the picture.

They take names out of the phone book.

Mail out a lot of million dollar checks.

Next thing you know, the shipyards stop making

battle ships to fill all the orders for yachts.

Presto, we got no navy

the communist take over the country easy.

Oh, come on, Ralph

they're not gonna throw away money like that.

Why not? They can't give it to their own people.

They got to keep them poor.

I don't know why we went to the moon for rocks

when there's guys like you with a head full of 'em?

Take my advice, Harry. Send it back.

I intend to.

Good. Right back to the Moscow mint.

That'll not only save the country

it's also the honest thing to do.

But it didn't come from their government

it came from ours.

Ours? And you're sending it back?

Don't be a dummy.

I think I'll get in a few holes of golf.

Did you leave the check in a safe place?

About that, Irma, you do understand it has to go back.

Even considering anything else is totally ridiculous.

Of course, dear.

Actually, this whole thing may do the kids some good.

It'll show them the value of honesty.

Say, pop. About the check, well, I've been thinking.

I was wrong in saying you shouldn't return it.

Hey, what did I tell you, Irma? This has taught him something.

I mean, this was your decision to make.

And you're obviously doing the only thing that's right.

Well, thank you, Chet.

That is of course right for you.

So take back your share if you want

but I kinda think I'll hang on to mine.

I got a lot of expenses.

[comical music]

Mr. Boyle, do you have a minute?

Leo Links the name, stocks and bonds my game.

Hi, but I really don't know anything about the market.

Well, that's where I can help.

Since you're a fellow member, I can get you

a few shares of a new issue called Mofaq.

- Mofaq? - Mobile Nursing Home.

They're gonna pull 'em behind tow trucks

cruising the freeway for accidents.

So if you'd like to sell your stock

in Mofaq now, I can double your money.

But I don't own any Mofaq.

See, you should have bought it when I told you.

Now look, the fact is, I-I don't have anything

to invest just now.

No money? You call 940 thou nothing?

- Where did you hear about that? - A little bird told me.

I can also put you into Succotash Futures.

You tie up the corn market and those poor Schnucks

with all the lima beans can't make a move without you.

You get it?

But there's one thing the bird didn't tell ya.

The money is not mine.

- Get it? - Not yours?

[Harry] It's a misprint on a government check.

Now, you won't believe this, but my kids actually wanted me

to endorse that check and keep the money.

Oh, you can't do that.

I only hope that when they grow up

they'll come to understand values

and learn to behave like us, as adults.

You don't endorse it, you set up a dummy corporation

the money goes in and the company buys stocks.

They'll never catch you.

Kids today, they're too dumb

to think of those things.

Mr. Link long distance call for you, sir.

Thanks. It's probably John Paul G.

There's isn't a call, I saw he was

annoying you, so I made it up.

Oh! Well that's what I call being a good caddy.

Oh, I'm only day-lighting as a caddy, sir.

I'm really an independent film producer.

If you could advance me 400,000

we can buy this story about a 200 foot kumquat

that comes to life and climbs the Empire State Building.

Before you tell me how it ends and spoil it for me

I gotta tell you, I don't have a dime to put in your picture.

But what about that check, sir?

That bird sure has been busy.

Well, we'll discuss it on the golf course.

I can tell you're an extremely intelligent man

with great artistic sense.

With all kinds of sense.

Therefore, I'm giving the check back to the government.

You are?

Then carry your own bag, dummy.

Hi, papa. How'd the golf game go?

I didn't play, what I need now

is four fingers of aspirin.

Wow! What kind of a headache do you have?

The kind you get from a 200 foot kumquat.

Oh, I'll get it for you.

Oh, your Cousin Bessie is here to see you.

Bessie? I haven't seen her for--

Cousin Harry!

Oh, it's so good to see you.

And you've put on weight, you little rascal.

Please, Bessie, you're bending my golf clubs.

To think we haven't seen or talk to each other

for, well, it must be a good 15 years.

That's right. It was a good 15 years.

What was it we fought about anyway?

I can't remember, but I'll try.

Just imagine, my own favorite cousin, Harry Boyle

worth five million dollars.

And I'll still be your favorite when I give it back, right?

- You're giving it back? - The whole ten million.

You always were the family dum-dum.

Thump

Alice said you wanted the aspirin, but we can't find it.

- It doesn't matter. - Your pain's gone?

Not entirely, but most of it just left up the driveway.

Oh, you mean Bessie. Did she do that?

You know, it's been like that all day.

I found out that there's one thing people think

is a bigger crime than stealing a million dollars.

And that's not stealing a million dollars.

What am I gonna do?

I know I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight

with all that money in the house.

Suppose somebody steals our million dollar check?

If you stop thinking of it as ours

you won't worry so much.

Harry, putting it under your pillow is not a very safe place.

The good fairy takes only teeth, Irma, not money.

But there must be a better place.

I could fasten it to the lawn mower.

At least Chet would never find it.

Are you asleep, pop?

No, generally speaking

when I'm standing up I'm not sleeping.

I've been thinking about the check.

You're right, you have to return it.

But you can still come out ahead.

- How? - Put it in a bank.

At five percent interest, you'll collect

almost a thousand bucks a week.

Then when the government asks for it back, you give it back.

A $1 000 a week.

Well, it's worth thinking about.

Goodnight, son.

A $1 000 a week.

Irma, please, let's forget about it.

- A $1 000-- - Goodnight, Irma.

Well, what is it, Irma?

I just wanted you to know

that whatever you decide to do

with the check is alright with me.

You woke me up for that?

- I'm behind you 100%. - Good.

But if you want to keep it for a few weeks at six percent

while you're deciding what to do with it, that's okay, too.

Goodnight, Irma, wherever you are.

- How did you know? - Know what?

That I was thinking of Hawaii.

We could go there a few days.

Paid for by Uncle Sam I suppose.

Now, please, Irma. How about saying aloha to the sandman?

Harry, you were a much nicer man when you were poor.

♪♪

[dreaming] Hawaii! Isn't it wonderful to be rich, Harry?

Look, Chet has his own chauffer.

Harry!

Harry!

Look, Harry. We all learned how to do the hula.

Harry! Harry!

Isn't this a wonderful luau, Harry?

Harry?

Harry!

- Harry! Harry! - Ah, w-w-what?

You're no fun at all to take to Hawaii.

You're always sleeping.

♪♪

[rumbling]

[Irma] Harry, we're having an earthquake.

It's not an earthquake, Irma.

They just threw the Sunday paper on the porch.

Okay, Julius, bring it in.

Sorry, Julius.

I just never can get used to the idea

that this much news happens in the world every Saturday night.

Here's your breakfast, dear.

Hawaiian pineapple juice and some scrambled eggs and coconut.

You don't quit easy, do you, Irma?

The Reverend McQuige is here.

He's in the kitchen having coffee.

That zany vigilante Chaplin? What does he want?

[McQuige] Oh, Mr. Boyle!

I just happened to be in the neighborhood

blessin' houses and--

But you already blessed this house a few dollars ago...

I mean, a few weeks ago.

What I understand, you had a broken window since then.

- That cancels our warranty. - I wasn't tainted.

Bless this home

and protect it's patriotic native-born American family.

From sneaky pinko subversives.

Very touchy.

I also wanted to tell you

we're havin' an early bird religious service this morning.

Well, Sunday is as good a day as any.

And If your sermon's about honesty

I'll send the whole neighborhood.

Honesty?

I've been trying to do the right thing

about returning a check

but so far I haven't found one person

who appreciates my honesty.

Oh, you mean that million dollar check

from the government Ralph told me about.

I suggest you come to our service.

You'll find people there who appreciate your honesty.

Ah! But how will they know about it?

I'll point it out to them as you drop the check

in our collection basket.

You'd actually take that illegal check?

Oh, we'd give it back when the government asks.

But meanwhile, now get this angle.

We'd have the interest to spend however much that would be.

Naturally, that never occurred to you.

A $1 000 a week.

Sorry, Rev. but that check goes back in the morning.

Now if you'll excuse me

my scrambled coconuts are getting cold.

You mean, the Chaplin wanted the money?

But like all the others, he said it was for the good

of everybody else.

[Whittaker] Mr. Boyle! Mr. Boyle!

Sergeant Whittaker, you're supposed to be on duty.

Oh, duty-schmuty! Could you loan me some of that bread you got?

I want to go to Switzerland

for one of them rejuvenation treatments.

Rejuvenation treatment?

Yeah, they make me young again.

Two lamb shots from Dr. Laszlo and wow!

This isn't tomato juice, it's Ann-Margret.

Whittaker stop that. Remember, you're in uniform.

Please, I'm not asking just for me.

It'd be good for the country.

You see, what I mean, Ralph?

But it would be good for the country.

When I come back 50 years younger

I'd make every sailor in Long Beach happy.

Enough, Sergeant. I'm taking you back to your post.

Your new dress is perfect, Alice.

- Just your color. - Thank you.

Oh, papa, would you do me a favor?

Don't tell me you want to go to Switzerland.

My new boyfriend, Fletcher

is picking me up in a few minutes.

And, well, he may ask you about the check

and I wouldn't want to give him the wrong impression, so...

Don't worry, honey. I'll make it clear I'm returning it.

But that's what I don't want you to tell him.

He'll think we're squares.

You mean, you want me to pretend I'm dishonest?

It'll just be for a minute, Harry.

And after all, Alice is your only daughter.

What is wrong with this family?

What's happening to this country?

What makes fakery so fashionable, huh?

If Abe Lincoln were running for President today

Butch Cassidy could beat him even without the Sundance Kid.

Mr. Boyle's not here, but I'll tell him you called. Bye-bye.

What's this I hear about me not being here?

There's been a lot of nutty calls, pop.

I didn't wanna bother you.

All about real dumbo things.

A lady called from Toronto and offered to marry you.

And adopt all of us.

Even mom.

Then a guy wanted to use your name

to open a chain of Harry Boyle ice-cream stores.

I'd look into that one.

And the 6 o'clock TV news wanted to send a cameraman.

- I told them no. - Good.

Hey, wait a minute. News reporters, huh?

Yeah, at least, they'll understand and appreciate

what I'm trying to do.

Call 'em back and tell him to come on over.

That's about the right angle, Charlie.

If you need more light just tear down the curtain.

Okay, pops, let's run over the story.

You're refusing to turn this money over to the government

as a protest against military expenditures, right?

Okay, well...

Now, hold it! It's nothing like that.

Don't you report news like it really happened?

Sure, lot of times.

Well, then, here are the straight facts.

I got this large check from the government by mistake

and I'm returning it.

I hope to show by this example--

Oh, that old angle.

Sure, the honest man.

You're down on your luck, out of work.

Your wife's left you, and you're about to lose your home.

The check would solve everything.

But still you're gonna return it

even though you got a small child

who needs an expensive operation.

Get another angle, Charlie so we can see

the paint peeling on the wall behind him.

Now, you still haven't got it.

I am not a poor man.

I own my own home and my own business.

Oh, well, just don't mention that.

We want a good story, don't we?

You mean to say that when a poor person is honest, that's news?

But when a rich man is honest, it isn't?

Uh, that's insulting both of them.

Look, pal, we're competing

with a dozen other new shows in town.

We got to have an angle.

But why not tell it as it is?

Well, it's not very professional.

- But we'll give it a try. - Good.

Now, how long have you kept this money

living on the interest until your conscience

finally made you confess it.

I got it yesterday and I'm returning it tomorrow.

And I'm sure there are some people

who would appreciate that.

Well, I don't know any.

Look, wrap it up, Charlie. There's no story here.

♪♪

At last, Monday morning.

This goes back and it's all over.

Over is right.

At least, now, I'll find somebody

who appreciates what I've done.

Here comes someone.

Yeah, this will make it all worthwhile.

- She'll absolutely flip. - Can I help you?

Uh. It's the other way around.

- I can help you. - Ah, how's that?

Well, you see, I was supposed to get a tax refund check

for $94, but I didn't.

If you'll fill out form number five--

Oh, no, no, no. Wait, there's more.

You see, through some error I did get this check.

- But it's not for $94. - Indeed, it's not.

It's for $940,000.

Now, stay calm, take it easy.

The fact is, I am returning it.

[female 1] Uh, just toss it in there with the others.

♪♪

I'm sorry, dear.

It was wrong for that woman to act the way she did.

[Harry] No, Irma. What was wrong was for me to act the way I did.

[Irma] But you weren't wrong. You were honest.

But where I went off the track was running around

looking for people to appreciate it.

Doing the honest thing should've been enough in itself

without trying to get bouquets for it.

Oh, Harry, you're sweet.

And about Hawaii...

...let's tap the savings and go anyway.

How's that for a surprise, huh?

Come on, you can, you can go buy a moo moo to wear.

- Um, Harry... - Yeah.

I already did.

Do you really have to give us a ticket?

Sorry, but this here is a 12-minute zone.

Well, I never noticed that sign.

Let me handle this, Harry.

Officer, I think you should know

my husband was just inside giving back

your government a million dollars.

A million dollars?

He got a check by mistake and he did the honest thing

and returned it.

No kiddin'.

You mean, you're still gonna give him a ticket?

Well, If he can afford to throw money around like that

another five bucks shouldn't bother him.

♪♪

♪♪