Original subtitles

Can I see some identification?

We don't like this sort of thing around our schools.

[Harry] Look, I'm--

You mean, you're gonna arrest him under morals charge?

Let me handle this. You're being ridiculous.

Here we got a 45-year-old man sittin' slumped down

in a parked car, spyin' on high school girls

through high-powered binoculars and refusing to explain why.

And right away you get suspicious.

Ralph, do me a favor. Don't handle this.

[Ralph] Okay, up to you.

I tried to warn him not to.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home... ♪

[Alice] You see what I mean?

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

Oh, I'm glad you're home.

It's supposed to rain.

- Alice. - You want Alice?

Uh, she's probably upstairs.

- But you're down here. - Oh.

[chuckles softly] So I am.

I didn't notice.

Do you feel alright, dear?

Oh, yes. I feel wonderful.

And also very sad.

But still gay.

Although melancholy.

Oh, so that's it.

Come help me in the kitchen.

- I'd be happy to. - Alice.

[Irma] The kitchen. It's still downstairs.

Oh, yes.

- Of course. - She's caught somethin', mom.

We'd all better gargle.

She's not sick, Jamie.

I'd say she's in love.

What's the main difference?

Someday you'll understand.

You'll fall in love yourself.

Not me. That's a woman's work.

[thunder rumbling]

Hello, father. Isn't it a beautiful day?

Hey, fellas, have you noticed anything strange about Alice?

I tried to tell you six years ago, pop

but you thought I was crying wolf.

Ready for supper?

If you don't mind I think I'll just go to my room

write in my diary and play records.

But you should eat something.

If music be the food of love, play on.

Give me excess of it

that surfeiting the appetite may sicken and so die.

Is that replacing the water diet?

Sometimes a girl likes to be alone with her thoughts.

If those are her thoughts she shouldn't be alone with 'em.

And what's wrong with her?

If you must talk about it let's go in the kitchen.

You stay here, Jamie.

Okay, if you want me to learn about it

from the kids in the street.

So you only think she's in love.

- Didn't you ask her? - Not in so many words.

Well, how many words does it take?

Are you in love? Now that's only four.

And then we'd be sure it's love

and could go ahead with a cure.

You don't cure it, Harry. You accept it.

She's a young lady now.

- Marriage isn't too far off. - Hard to imagine.

Our Alice getting married to Herbie Fenstermacher.

We, uh, don't really know if it's Herbie.

You mean, you didn't even ask her who it was either?

Well, what goes on in your mother-daughter conversations?

Just a, a lot of silent bowing from the waist?

She's entitled to her privacy.

We must wait until she's ready to tell us who it is.

Ah. You mean, I'm not supposed to find out

who my son-in-law is until I read it

on the wedding invitations.

Right now it's a matter just between Alice and her diary.

Her diary, huh?

[loud music on player]

I brought you sandwich, honey

just in case those records weren't too... digestible.

Thanks, papa.

Ah. Writing in the old diary, huh?

Say, uh... how're you and Herbie getting along these days?

- Who? - Herbie. Herbie Fenstermacher.

Oh, him. Yes.

Nice little boy.

Nice little boy, eh?

But you keep his picture hanging right there.

Well, if it isn't Herbie, who is it?

- Who is what? - Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

Why don't you, uh, move your diary out

so you won't spill on it, eh?

Oh, good idea.

Here, would you put it on the dresser for me?

[Irma] Harry Boyle!

You've got to leave her alone, Harry.

This is her business. Don't you understand?

No, I don't understand.

When she knocked over the neighbor's fence

learning to drive, that was my business.

When she needed 800 bucks worth of orthodontia

that was my business too.

For 16 years, her-her every need, her every question

they've all been my business.

And now that I've got one little question to ask her

suddenly we're out of business and I no longer a partner.

And it's definitely not Herbie.

- Then I wonder who-- - Some stranger is who.

That's why I say it's our responsibility

as her parents to look into this.

Now stop that.

And no more snooping.

You'll find out when your daughter's ready to tell you

and not before.

Do you ever find yourself thinking

that the only proper way to observe Father's Day

is with two minutes of silence?

[thunder rumbling]

Hey, you sure put away a big lunch, Ralph.

I was hungry from being out on patrol

all last night with the vigilantes.

Because of that rain we're expectin' a commie invasion.

What's rain gotta to do with it?

That's when they hit us, Harry, during a downpour.

You see, when there's high water

the Russkies can get into the country easy.

Underground, through the storm drains

and their one-man subs.

You actually were out in the rain

looking for Russian submarines?

With our special recon group, GWS.

That's Gather Watch for Snorkel.

Please, Ralph, I got enough problems.

Oh, yeah? Your virility ebbing out, huh?

- No. No. - Huh? Huh?

No! It's Alice.

She's seriously flippin' over some guy

and Irma won't even let me ask who it is.

Well, there's a easy way to find out.

Just follow Alice around. See who's she seeing.

Irma doesn't approve of snooping.

Hey, there's the high school.

And the kids are gettin' out of class.

Stop the car. Maybe we can see her.

- But-- - It's your duty as a parent.

But they're so far away.

Old Ralph to the rescue as per usual.

Click

See her yet?

- What do you see, Harry? - A policeman.

You mean, she's going out with some dumb old cop?

Oh, hello, officer.

Uh, may I ask what you gentlemen are doing here?

Just lookin' around.

Why the binoculars?

Don't answer that, Harry. You're entitled to use 'em.

The constitution gives every private citizen

the inalienable right to bear field glasses.

Can I see some identification?

We don't like this sort of thing around our schools.

You mean, you're gonna arrest him under morals charge?

Let me handle this.

You're being ridiculous.

Here we got a 45-year-old man sittin' slumped down

in a parked car, spyin' on high school girls

through high-powered binoculars and refusing to explain why.

And right away you get suspicious.

Ralph, do me a favor.

Don't handle this.

[Ralph] Okay, up to you.

I tried to warn him not to.

[Irma] It's a good thing the sergeant

at headquarters knew you.

Or you'd be in a big mess.

You mean, another big mess.

I didn't really mean to, but that crazy Ralph

kind of carried me away.

Anyway, I hope now you'll agree with me.

You mustn't pry into personal matters.

But are we really doing the best thing

for our daughter by doing nothing?

Absolutely. I'm sure that whoever she set her sights on

will turn out to be a fine young man.

♪♪

[dreaming] Can you tell me now who he is?

You mustn't pry, papa.

Hey. Not bad.

[Alice] That's the best man.

Here comes my beloved now.

♪♪

See, papa. Didn't I tell you I could pick 'em.

Who is it? Who? Who? Huh?

[Chet] Morning, dad. You look awful.

- Chet, what a thing to say. - I don't mind him.

What bothers me is that for the last few days

he doesn't even have to look first to make sure.

You haven't been sleeping well, dear.

Maybe you have the same thing Alice has.

That's impossible. How could pop be in love?

He's married.

You know, pop, it's not really

who Alice has flipped for that bothers you.

Come again?

Freud has shown that fathers are in love with daughters.

So, psychologically speaking

your deep-seated fear is based on an apprehension

about losing her to anyone.

Oh, that's sweet.

Maybe I should tell you who he is.

[Irma] You mean, you know?

Yeah, but Alice made me promise not to tell.

Come on. Spill. Spill!

Yeah, you fink on me. Why not fink on her?

Well... his name is Heatherstone.

Heatherstone? Heatherstone?

I don't remember any kid named Heatherstone.

Won't that sound nice.

Alice Heatherstone.

And her initials will be A.H.

[whimpers]

Well, now what difference does that make?

Well, if she married Herbie Fenstermacher, it would be A.F.

[Harry] Look, who is this guy?

All I know is that he's a new teacher at school.

A teacher? Alice likes a teacher?

You sure were right about her, pop.

Dingling all the way.

At least now we know there's nothing to worry about.

It's just a simple case of a schoolgirl

having a crush on her teacher.

- It's nothing serious at all. - I'm not so sure, mom.

The way Alice was talking, it sure sounded serious to me.

Who's this teacher Alice is so gone at?

Do you know anything about him?

I had a big crush once on Mr. Adams.

The boy's manual training teacher.

I think she said he teaches English.

Up until one day when he patted me on the cheek

and his hands were full of slivers.

Well, I'd like to meet him.

Mr. Adams? Oh, he passed away years ago.

Liver, I think.

Not Mr. Adams! This Heatherstone guy.

There's a chance this could be serious, you know.

[Irma] I hardly think so.

But it wouldn't be a bad choice for her.

if they did get married

he could help her with her homework.

Irma, please.

Well, you know how you hate to do it.

Somehow I'd kinda like to get a look at this guy.

Well, if you'd feel better there's a PTA meeting tonight.

He'll probably be there.

PTA meeting, huh? Well, okay.

Although I really wish there was an easier way than that.

How do we get to meet this Heatherstone fellow?

Look around. He's probably

some cute, young college boy just starting in.

Starting in is right. With my daughter.

[coffee sloshing]

Coffee's terrible, isn't it?

Yes. I rather fear it is.

Do you know any of the teachers here?

A few.

We're looking for a Mr. Heatherstone.

[Mr. Heatherstone] Ah. Did you say Heatherstone?

- Do you know him? - You might say so.

You see, my name is Heatherstone.

[choking]

You're Mr. Heatherstone?

Foxbert J. Heatherstone.

Uh, if I might inquire

just what was it in regard to?

♪♪

How could Alice ever get interested

in an old goat like that?

- Harry, that's not nice. - Alright.

I take back goat, but I stick with old.

She's only a child.

But girls do mature faster than boys.

Not faster than Mr. Heatherstone.

Well, it's ridiculous. Here she's going on 17

and he's about to go on Social Security.

I don't think that influenced her.

I'm sure she's not interested in him just for his money.

And besides, it's probably just a passing crush.

[Harry] Yeah, well, suppose it isn't, huh?

Suppose Chet is right and it's serious.

Crazier things than that happened today.

How would it look with me the grandfather of-of his child?

Now stop that.

You're getting worked up over nothing.

[Harry] Well, just to be sure it's nothing

I'm going up and telling Alice to cool it.

[Irma] You can't. That will only strengthen it.

Children always find things much more glamorous

when their parents disapprove of them.

So, what do we do?

Just act as though you aren't concerned.

- That'll do it. - Well. Okay.

I'll try to act unconcerned.

But if I get away with it, I deserve an Academy Award.

You mean it? You really went to a PTA meeting?

That's right. We met a few of your teachers.

One was new here.

I think his name was, uh, Heatherstone.

Oh, uh, isn't he nice?

I-I mean, really nice.

- Did you talk to him very long? - No, he-he couldn't stay late.

He had to get back home to his oxygen tank.

Was he wearing a tweed jacket and smoking his pipe?

And aren't his eyes soft and soulful?

Well, it was hard to tell. He-he blinks a lot.

[Alice] He is so sweet.

And when he reads those romantic poems, you just melt away.

[sighs]

Well, I better hurry.

I don't wanna miss a second of his class.

[door closes]

I don't think that oxygen tank line was very casual.

Did you hear what she said?

That old geezer's reading romantic poems to the girl.

He's the one who's working this thing up.

He's the one we've gotta tell to cool it.

[Ralph] So it turned out to be a teacher, huh?

- Yeah. - Bad, very bad.

That's what comes of letting the schools give sex education.

It has nothing to do--

That's modern education for you.

No more readin', writin' and arithmetic.

All they're teachin' today is romance

reproduction and rabbit test.

What worries me is that the guy is such an old coot.

He must be pushing 55.

Oh, that's much too old for Alice.

I'd hate to see her have a gray-haired baby.

I've got to stop her for her own good.

But what can you do to threaten a teenager?

Want us vigilantes to pay him a little call tonight?

Give him the treatment? You know, set fire to his newspaper?

Knock over his garbage cans? Scare his pussycat... the works.

I'll handle it.

I'm meeting him at school this afternoon.

His little playtime is over

because I'm going to put a stop to it.

Uh, you're quite certain, Mr. Boyle?

Your Alice is a little gaga.

Not a little gaga. A lot of gaga.

Now look, Heatherstone, she's just a child but I'm not.

I know what's going on here.

- And I'm telling you-- - Oh, dear me.

We must put a stop to this.

We must a put a stop to... what did you say?

I only hope you haven't been encouraging her.

Me?

I thought you were.

Heavens, no.

I dread their attentions.

But it happens everywhere I go.

Why have I been cursed with such a fatal attraction?

Such animal magnetism.

Why me?

Why?

Yes, well, uh...

And the romantic literature I have to read to the class

only makes it worse.

I dread next week. That's when we start "Romeo And Juliet."

At my last school, some girl actually

ripped my coat off.

I had no idea.

Yes. And then comes Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Oh that'll finish me.

[strained] After one reading of "How Do I Love Thee?"

I always have to lock myself in the janitor's closet.

[banging on table]

Keep them away. Please.

Keep them away!

Mr. Heatherstone sounds like he's more worried than you are.

I didn't realize he has his problems too.

We should ignore it and let it die by itself.

But it's going to get worse.

Next week, they start "Romeo And Juliet"

and Alice's hormones will really freak out.

Now, we have got to do something!

Hi, Mrs. Boyle, Mr. Boyle. ls Alice home?

Uh, I'm not sure, Herbie.

I wanted to ask her to play tennis with me tomorrow.

Why don't you call her later?

Tennis, huh?

Say, how good are you?

Not bad, I take lessons and play every weekend.

Well I'm sure Alice would be delighted to play with you.

Listen, we'll all meet at the park.

Say, 1 o'clock tomorrow, eh?

Oh, great! Terrific. See you there.

How do you know Alice will wanna play tennis?

I mean, the state she's in and--

She'll want to because I'll invite Heatherstone.

[Irma] But he probably doesn't play tennis.

Exactly. When she sees him doddering about

that'll make her realize he's too old for her

and bring her to her senses.

Really? You invited Mr. Heatherstone?

I felt it was the least we could do

to help make a stranger welcome.

Here he comes now.

Hello, there.

Look at him. A perfect Jack LaLanne drop-out.

Alice will be turned off in 60 seconds.

Oh, Mr. Heatherstone, why don't you and, uh

Herbie play first, eh?

Harry, it is unfair.

Sit here, Alice, where you can see everything.

Thwack

I say, good shot!

The love bug is practically exterminated.

[thwacking]

[thwacking continues]

poing

It's too hot for tennis.

Mr. Heatherstone. You like swimming?

Well, I haven't been in so long.

Good. Go to it.

Splash

[Irma] Oh, he's wonderful.

Just my luck.

He turns out to be the Mark Spitz of Sun City.

Rattle

splash

rattle

swish swish

I knew it. Heatherstone is drowning. Finally!

Well, do something.

Oh, he'll be alright. Looks like Herbie's got him.

That just shows you, Alice

a man that old just can't keep up.

It's Mr. Heatherstone saving Herbie.

He's... saving Herbie?

Pew

thwack

I really blew it.

After that Tarzan act of his, Alice will be going

totally out of sight on him.

[Irma] Well, at least Mr. Heatherstone wasn't embarrassed.

[Harry] Yeah, you are right.

I should have left things alone.

But who'd ever guess there was a triple gold medal winner

inside of those surgical stockings?

See you later. I've got a date tonight with my number one fox.

Oh, that must be him now.

A date? Now they're actually going out together.

Alice, please, listen. D-don't throw away your youth.

Just because a man can play tennis, swim, dive

rescue people a-and smoke a pipe, that doesn't mean that--

- Hi, everybody. - Herbie?

He's taking me to the school dance.

But...

[Alice] I just hope Mr. Heatherstone won't be there.

You won't believe this, but I was actually

starting to get a crush on him.

Oh? Really?

[Alice] Until this afternoon at the park.

I mean, a man really must be getting old

when he keeps trying to prove he isn't.

See, Harry, everything came out fine.

Your daughter is pretty sensible.

Well, I'll buy half of that.

At least we learned that it's sometimes better

for parents not to interfere.

- Right on. Mr. Heatherstone. - Who are you calling?

Thought I'd pass along the good news that this year

he may not have to lock himself in the janitor's closet.

Alice isn't acting so goofy now.

I guess she got cured of that love stuff, huh?

Well, actually, Jamie, that wasn't real love.

You see, the real stuff is, uh, going to work

and keeping a home snug and doing without things.

Love is staying on a budget

making your own clothes and sacrificing.

And cooking and washing and cleaning and dusting.

Exactly. And a lot of other things.

Like getting hit with a pillow?

Yes, son. Sometimes that too.

♪♪

[music fades]