Original subtitles

Bye, Ralph.

Harry, believe me. She was here with a guy.

My Irma? In a singles bar with another man?

No way.

Ralph, after 25 years I think I know my wife.

Wrong, Harry, you're married to a temptress.

Wanna try for one of your own, honey?

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home... ♪

[Alice] You see what I mean?

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

♪♪

♪♪

[alarm clock ringing]

Harry. Harry, wake up.

[yawns] Morning, darling. Something wrong?

Harry, Saturday is our 25th anniversary

and I'm going crazy thinking of what to get you.

Please tell me what you want.

Twenty five years with you, hmm.

Well, I'll guess I've earned something.

Let's see. I always wanted a Rolls-Royce.

- A yacht. - Harry, be serious.

It our silver anniversary. What can I give you?

Well, I do need some shorts.

But I wouldn't like 'em in silver.

And don't go spending seven dollars a pair

like you did on my birthday.

[Irma] Oh, they were beautiful.

Yeah, but seven dollars shorts inhibit me.

I hate walking around feeling I can't live up to my underwear.

Harry, there must be something.

Irma, all I want is another 25 years like the last 25.

Mmm.

Harry Boyle, I love you.

Well, that's perfectly understandable.

You've got yourself quite a guy.

♪♪

What in the world are you doing?

I'm going to do my exercises.

Well, what are the chocolates for?

[Alice] Those are my rewards for exercising.

One... two... three.

I figured I needed an incentive to lose weight.

Alice, I don't think that--

This works, mom.

Yesterday, I did 20 push-ups.

[Irma] From here it looks more like 40.

Hey, did you decide on what to get papa

for his anniversary present yet?

Oh, everything I want is just too expensive.

[man on TV] You're doing great, just great.

You're a lucky girl to be married to a caveman.

I understand they were very generous husbands.

When the missus said she wanted a new fur coat

he'd give her his club and say

"'Honey, take out anything you like.'"

Mama, that's what you should do.

Marry a caveman?

But I'm happy with your father.

You wanna get papa a great present?

Well, if you got on "Let's Make A Deal"

maybe you could win one.

Boy, wouldn't your father be surprised?

But I'm too shy.

I could never do anything like that.

Besides, what would I wear?

Mom, I got it.

Oh, it's in here somewhere.

Oh, here it is. Isn't it perfect?

My Salome costume from the school play.

You expect me to go out in that?

Alice, I wear more than that to take a shower.

Oh, mama, don't be so old-fashioned.

Honey, it's too daring.

Why, your father wouldn't even let me

into bed in that outfit.

Alice, I couldn't go out in those two little pieces.

Well, this isn't the whole outfit.

There's another piece.

Oh, I figured there would be.

[Alice] The imitation diamond.

But where do I wear that?

[Alice] In your navel.

Alice, I'm the mother of three children

and I have better things to do with my navel.

Mama, believe me.

You can handle it. You'd be stunning.

Your figure is as good as mine.

[sniggering]

I'll take this one.

Hey, can I get it engraved by the end of the day?

Oh, certainly, sir. What would you like it to say?

Ah, let's see. I would like something original.

I got it.

"Till the end of time. Harry."

Oh, that's very nice, sir. Inscription number four.

[tires screech]

Whitaker, you see what I see?

Wow, what a set of breads.

Irma Boyle in a bare, midriff see-through dress.

- Disgusting. - You're right.

[Whitaker] She doesn't have the figure for it.

Now, if I were wearin' it

boy, you'd really see a mindblower.

Steady, Whitaker, that outfit on you would be like

hanging laced curtains over a broken window.

Whitaker, we're watchin' a nice respectable housewife

about to become a fallen woman.

- Live, honey, live! - Knock it off, Whitaker.

[male anchor] Welcome to another session of "Let's Make A Deal."

And let's see who our contestants will be today.

[audience shouting]

Well, must be kind of awkward in those outfits.

If you wanna go swimming you need a can opener.

Alright, we're now down to Mr. and Mrs. Robot.

Let's see.

toing toing

[Monty] I've heard of the gleam in a woman's eye

but that's ridiculous.

[all laughing]

Mrs. Boyle.

Oh, um, um, hello, Henry.

I, uh I didn't know you worked here.

I was just trying to win, uh...

Well, it's our 25th anniversary Saturday

and I was just tryin' to, um, win, well uh, for Mr. Boyle.

Well, don't be embarrassed, Mrs. Boyle.

I see a lot of my mother's friends here.

[chuckling] Embarrassed? Me?

Well, Mrs. Boyle, why don't you come back tomorrow?

We have a provisional line in case somebody doesn't show up.

- Oh, really? - Sure.

Meet me in the little bar next door

about an hour before the show

and I'll show you where the line is.

Harry. Harry, I-I-I...

...I have to tell you somethin'.

- What? - I can't.

Why should I be the one to break your heart

destroy your life and maybe even ruin your dinner.

Don't tell me the truck didn't pick up the garbage again.

Harry, how long you've been married not countin' tomorrow?

As a matter of fact, Ralph

Saturday will be our 25th anniversary.

You wanna see the gift I got Irma?

- Is it exchangeable? - Goodnight, Ralph.

Don't buy anything else, Harry.

You'll have enough trouble dividing what you have already.

That's right, Jamie. Come Saturday

mama and I will have been married for 25 years.

Wow, the way the divorce rates are going

I don't think I'll make that with three women.

Jamie, all you have to do is to find the right girl.

The rest is easy. Love comes naturally.

That isn't true, pop.

Nobody really stays in love for 25 years.

Is that so?

Well, I'm proud to be a nobody.

You're somebody to me, pop.

- Thanks, Jamie. - I go with the money.

[Alice] But admit it, papa Chet's right.

Marriage is just a habit.

After a couple of years the romance is really over.

[Harry] The romance is over?

Then how do you think you were born?

The TV set was broken and we had nothing else to do?

- I didn't-- - As a mater of fact, Harry--

You were a love child. All of you were.

You don't have to be married for that.

If only I can find a loophole in his birth certificate.

Chet, I don't wanna hear anymore.

Pop, I'm entitled to my own opinion. I'm 22.

[Harry] You're really only 12.

Ten of those years you spent sleeping.

You sure make it sound good, pop.

Maybe it's time I found a nice girl and settled down.

[sniggers]

Well, I hope you'll be as lucky as I was.

Twenty five years and never a moment of distrust.

[horn honking]

Two days in a row.

Boy, that outfit must really be workin' for her.

"The Singles Bar."

I wish I'd known we were comin' here.

I would've worn somethin' a little low-cut.

Knock it off, Whitaker.

Poor Harry. I'm afraid to look in there.

Great, I'll check it out.

And if I'm not back in an hour

I've signed-up with a new outfit.

♪♪

There she is.

Sorry, Mrs. Boyle, but they're all filled up.

Try again tomorrow.

Oh, that's alright, Henry. And thank you.

Boy, she's got a young one.

The only way to fly.

Whitaker, we're goin' in.

I thought you'd never ask.

[Henry] Same time, same place tomorrow.

Come on, we can leave out the back.

Whitaker I've spotted...

Whitaker, what are you doin'?

Figured I'd do a little advertising.

[Ralph] Just keep an eye on her.

I'm gonna call, Harry.

It's gonna kill him, but what are friends for?

Alright, now what's this all about?

Harry, I don't want you gettin' violent.

Remember, Irma is the mother of your children.

So if you're carryin' a gun, better let me have it.

I don't have any gun.

[Ralph] Oh, well, if you wanna borrow mine

I've got one in the car.

Come on, I have Irma under surveillance.

Why don't we cut out and go to my place?

I've got a case of cold duck on ice.

I also give scaffs!

Alright Whitaker, where's the suspect?

Well, I'm afraid, I got kind of busy with Tarzan there.

And I never did spot her.

Whitaker, you're a disgrace to that uniform.

Here we have the husband of the suspect and you've blown it.

Husband? Oh, hi, honey.

I just heard you were growing on the open market.

If you get lonely, here's my card.

Bye, Ralph.

Harry, believe me, she was here with a guy.

My Irma? In a singles bar with another man?

No way.

Ralph, after 25 years, I think I know my wife.

Wrong, Harry, you're married to a temptress.

Wanna try for one of your own, honey?

I hope so, Helen.

For, Harry's sake I sure would like to get on the show.

Of course, I feel a little foolish.

Imagine a woman married almost 25 years

running around like that?

No, I don't think Harry is the least bit suspicious.

And I can't wait till tomorrow.

I'll let you know what happens.

Oh, hi, dear.

How did your day go?

Oh, okay.

I'll get dinner ready.

♪♪

[Harry thinking] After two years, the romance is over.

[Ralph] You're married to a temptress.

What went wrong, Julius?

[horn honking]

See? Just like I told you.

[engine revving]

Come on, we gotta follow her.

Right on her tail. Exciting, isn't it, Harry?

There she is, Harry.

'Let's move in and nab her with a corpus delicti. '

Ralph, a corpus delicti is a dead body.

Well, ain't you gonna kill him?

We'll wait here.

Harry, you don't know the first thing

about bein' an outraged husband.

Well, let's see who our next contestant will be.

[indistinct shouting]

What's your name, dear?

- Ir-Ir-Ir... - It's only a half hour show.

ir-Irma Boyle.

Oh, nice to have you with us, Irma.

Now look at my face.

One hundred dollars if you can tell me the color of my eyes.

Well, um, um...

Hurry up, it's dark in here.

Um, blue?

Right. You've just won a hundred dollars.

How can a thing like this happen?

Well, don't feel so bad, Harry.

Twenty-four years, 364 days ain't nothing to be ashamed of.

[audience cheering]

This was fantastic. She started with a hundred dollars

and in five trades she's up to a diamond ring

worth over $3000.

I'm going to give up the ring, Monty

and take curtain two, and, uh...

Oh, I mean, one. No, um, make it three.

Ah, curtain number three then, in exchange for a diamond ring.

Alright, let's see what kind of a deal you've made.

[drumroll]

A bowling ball.

Oh, I'm sorry, Irma.

But at least you won something for your husband.

- He doesn't even bowl. - Well, you can teach him.

You just put your fingers in the ball like this.

Here, go ahead, try it.

Well, w-wait till I get mine out.

- Aw, I'm stuck. - I am too.

Oh, swell.

And I've to be the best man

at Shecky White's wedding in Las Vegas tonight.

Irma, you may be the maid of honor.

Well, see you all Monday.

We're wastin' time, Harry.

You could've been datin' again by now.

There she is.

- That's Monty Hall. - Monty Hall? He's a Canadian.

Boy, them foreigners are tryin' to take over everything.

Let's go. We're really having a ball together.

[Harry] When I get my hands on that Monty Hall--

Don't go off half cocked, Harry.

You have to handle him according to the laws of the land.

Hold a trial in my basement.

Yes, dear. I'll be back first thing in the morning.

Yeah. I-I'll give the bride and groom your love.

Right, bye. Now we'll call your husband.

What's your telephone number?

My number? Oh, dear, I...

Well, you must know your own telephone number.

But I never dial it. I'm always home.

- Think. - Um...

[Irma] Name some numbers. Maybe it'll remind me.

Oh, what will Harry think?

Our 25th anniversary

and I'm spending it in Las Vegas with another man.

[sobbing]

[Harry] I don't understand it.

My little Irma running off with Monty Hall.

Could've been worse.

She could've blown you over for Captain Kangaroo.

[sobbing]

All I wanted to do is win an anniversary present.

There, there, Mrs. Boyle.

We'll get it all straightened out, you wait and see.

How can they carry on like that and on a public highway?

Don't look, Harry. It'll only upset you.

Ralph, I'm driving!

Uh, the flight that's leaving for Vegas in ten minutes.

- Uh, I need another ticket. - Yes, Mr. Hall.

You're lucky, that was the last seat.

Will that be one-way or round trip?

Round trip. We're just staying for the night.

See, Harry, she's not leaving you.

She's just goin' for the night.

That fight that's leaving for Las Vegas

I-I need a ticket, it's an emergency.

I'm sorry, sir, we're all sold-out.

Uh, the next flight is at 11 tonight.

We'll take two tickets on the 11 o'clock.

- Oh, Ralph, you don't have-- - Would I desert you now, Harry?

Now when your entire life is crumblin' in front of my eyes

when you marriage is disintegrating

like a termite-ridden shack, huh, would I?

- Well. Well. Well. - Huh? Huh? Huh?

And besides, Wayne Newton is appearin' at Vegas.

Well, we might as well go home.

- We have a four-hour wait. - Good thinkin'.

And don't worry, Harry.

After all, what could they do in four hours?

Forget I said that.

Don't walk so fast.

- My finger hurts. - Oh, sorry.

We'll be alright once we get in the room.

The room? You didn't say anything about a room.

You said we came here for the wedding.

Welcome to Las Vegas, Mr. Hall.

Thank you, Alfred.

And it's nice to meet you, Mrs. Hall.

When did she get here?

[clears throat] Well, we have a lovely room for you on the ninth floor.

I want a separate room!

Irma, is it really over?

♪♪

[Harry dreaming] Hear ye, hear ye, the case of Boyle vs. Boyle.

State your name, please.

Mrs. Harry Boyle soon to be Mrs. Monty Hall.

- I object! - And who are you?

- Harry Boyle, her husband. - You married this man?

Everyone is entitled to a mistake, Your Honor.

But Monty will be a good father.

Oh, no, not the kids.

They don't want a new father. Ask Jamie.

Sorry, pop, I go with the money.

[Ralph] Harry, time to leave for the airport.

Coming, Ralph. Coming.

[water sloshing]

Irma you're breaking my finger.

It's no use. We've been trying for over an hour.

- I'll get a towel. - Watch out!

[glass shattering]

Oh, I am sorry.

Could happen to anybody.

[telephone ringing]

Irma, get up, I've got to answer the phone.

I can't. I'm too sleepy.

Hello. Hold on.

[knocking on door]

- Room service. - I'm on the phone.

♪♪

Hello? Yeah, Shecky.

Midnight at the chapel. Right. See ya. Thank you.

Hey, this must be your first honeymoon, Jack.

But honest, you only have to carry her across the threshold.

You don't have to lug her around for the night.

Please, please, let it not be too late.

We've got plenty of time, Harry.

Wayne Newton doesn't go on till midnight.

Yes, Mr. Hall is registered, but he's not in.

Where is he? It's important.

He left for the Marriage A Minute Wedding Chapel.

W-wedding chapel?

Was there a lady with him? Remember you're under oath.

Belly dancer?

Ever since they got here, she hasn't

left his side for a second.

Oh, no!

- Number 47. - That's us, come on.

Hurry, driver, hurry!

- There it is, Harry. - Where, where?

[Ralph] See? "Wayne Newton. In person."

[instrumental "Here comes the Bride" playing]

Screech

- Dearly beloved, we are gat-- - Stop!

- Harry. - Don't do it, Irma.

Even if you don't love me, for the sake of our children

don't marry this man.

Marry me?

Keep out of this, you foreigner.

Harry, what are you talking about?

They're the ones who are getting married.

Mr. Hall is just the best man.

Well, then, why are you here?

[Irma] I went on "Let's Make A Deal"

to try to win a big anniversary present for you.

But all she won was this bowling ball.

A-and we got stuck in it.

Oh, Mrs. Boyle, how could I ever think...

Irma, it's after midnight. It's our anniversary.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Happy anniversary, dear.

Clang

thud

toing

Harry, Harry, speak to me.

He's unconscious.

Swoosh

Harry!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

This is really generous of you, Mr. Hall

to give Irma and me this weekend for our anniversary.

Well, it's the least I could do.

After all, Irma and I were very close.

[laughing]

And I wanna thank you too, Ralph

for getting Irma's finger out of the ball.

Well, just used some good old American ingenuity.

Well, dear, shall we go to our room?

Whatever you say, my love.

And shall we go to ours?

♪♪

[music fades]