Original subtitles

Okay, here's the scale.

Let's see how we did for the week.

- You go first, mom. - Well... alright.

Here I go. Oh!

At first, I'd better take off my shoes.

And my earrings. And my bobby pins.

Just one favor, Irma. Leave in your tooth fillings.

Oh! Look at that.

I lost almost two pounds.

- Hurray for mom! - You're next, pop.

Well, okay. But you better give me a hand.

I'm too weak to step up on it myself.

Harry, you lost four pounds.

Hey, let's celebrate.

And now the main event. Come on, Alice.

Oh, I'm so excited.

I didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to

for the whole seven days.

- Well, what does it say? - What's wrong?

[wailing] I gained three pounds.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ My mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home... ♪

[Alice] You see what I mean?

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know!

You really should come to our vigilante meeting tonight Harry.

We're blowing the lid off communist

infiltration in the Little League.

Communist in the Little League?

Shh. They don't know we know.

You shouldn't wear that tin hat out in the sun, Ralph.

It'd sauteed your brain. Say, did you borrow my rake?

Look, here comes a kid. Might be an ex-Little Leaguer.

I'll try to catch him off guard.

Hello there, comrade.

Uh, uh, how do you do, sir?

Uh, hi, Mr. Boyle. ls-is Alice home from school?

Not yet, Herbie.

W-would you tell her I got two tickets

for that rock show I told you about?

Sure, sure. I'll tell her.

Harry, you know what goes on at those rock shows?

They smoke funny stuff, take off their clothes

chew gum, everything.

- At the history museum? - History museum?

It's real rocks. Herbie collects them.

[chuckles] Well, he, uh, he might as well collect rocks.

That kid sure ain't gonna collect no beauty prizes.

And that's Alice's boyfriend, huh?

Well, other boys come around too...

...sometimes.

I've never seen any.

Look, there's nothing wrong with Herbie Fenstermacher.

Fenstermacher, huh? I'd check him out, Harry.

Sounds like he might be from Mainland China.

Can I have another brownie, mom?

Save your appetite for something more nutritious, Jamie.

How about if I took a vitamin pill along with it?

Lettuce, tomatoes, get your fresh vegetables here.

[Irma] Oh, don't they look nice.

And think of all the money we save growing our own.

I'd rather not. After buying insecticides

pesticides and fertilizer

I figure that the lettuce cost is a dollar ahead.

And these radishes might as well be rubies.

- Here comes Alice. - Better move over.

If you stand between Alice and a plate of brownies

we can't get insurance on you.

She didn't even notice them. How come?

It can only mean one thing. She needs new glasses.

Hi, sis.

Alice, are you alright?

[Alice] Oh, I just saw the biggest fox.

What a dream boat!

Herbie Fenstermacher, a fox?

You're right, pop. She does need glasses.

Not Herbie. Mark Beaumont.

A new boy in my class.

Ah! A new boy, huh? Good!

[Alice] Oh! He's got everything.

The eyes of Robert Redford.

The body of Mark Spitz.

The smile of Mick Jagger.

Maybe he's got my rake.

It's been missing since Tuesday.

And I think he's noticed me.

At least I had a chance

because Rita Gumbower was out sick today.

Who's Rita Gumbower?

Bill Gumbower's daughter. She's very pretty.

If our school yearbook had a centerfold, it would be Rita.

But I thought Rita had all the boys she could handle.

When she sees Mark, she might start an extra shift.

Hey, look since he's new in town

why not invite him over for dinner tomorrow night?

I'll ask Ralph to drop in after and--

Yes, that might be nice.

And it would be no trouble at all to set an extra place.

[Jamie] You mean three extra places.

Three?

One for Robert Redford, one for Mark Spitz

and one for Mick Jagger.

[Irma] Jamie, please.

Thanks, uh, but I'll handle it myself.

Tomorrow in school, I'll hit him with the Alice Boyle blitz.

- What's that? - I don't know.

But I'm gonna hit him with it anyway.

Hey, Alice, what are you all dressed up for?

Dressed up? Oh, this old thing?

Of course you wouldn't be trying to impress Mark Beaumont?

Who's that?

You know, that new good-looking guy in class.

Oh, you mean the boy who sits in front of me in English?

Behind me in trig and beside me in social studies?

That's the one.

Funny, I never noticed him.

Hey, there's Mark.

Wow, what a fox!

[girl 1] Isn't he just too much?

Ooh, I better get to class while I still have strength.

- Coming, Alice? - No. Um, go ahead.

There's something I have to do first.

Thud

[Mark] Hey somebody dropped a book.

- Oh, I-I know whose it is. - Good.

This is yours, isn't it, Alice? I recognize the cover.

- Thanks, Herbie. - A-anytime.

Excuse me, he did call you Alice.

You're Alice Boyle, aren't you?

What? Yes, I think so.

I've been looking for you.

You've been looking for me?

Uh, there's something I'd like to ask you.

There's something you'd like to ask me?

It's a little embarrassing.

Please, don't be embarrassed.

I may look glamorous and sophisticated

but I'm really very approachable.

- Well, you see, uh-- - It's yes, yes.

But I haven't asked the question yet.

- Ask it, ask it. - Okay.

Um, do you know Rita Gumbower's phone number?

I heard you're a good friend of hers.

Herbie told me.

Hey, Julius. Hi, everybody.

I was never so humiliated in my life.

Rita Gumbower didn't even come to school today

and she made better time than I did.

What happened?

Now, now, don't let that Mark Beaumont bother you, dear.

He sounds like a real loser to me.

Mama, I'm the loser.

I've been a loser practically since the day I was born.

- Would someone tell me-- - It's true.

Some girls get the Mark Beaumonts of this world.

Me? I get the Herbie Fenstermachers.

Now, Alice, there's nothing wrong with Herbie Fenstermacher.

Tell her, Harry.

There's nothing wrong with Herbie Fenstermacher.

Now that I've finally been allowed in the conversation

tell me, did something happen?

The new boy Mark, finally spoke to Alice

but only to ask Rita's phone number.

Something happened.

Good-looking boys aren't ever gonna ask me out.

- And you know why? - Well...

I'll tell you why. One simple reason.

Because I'm fat.

Oh, now, honey, looks aren't everything.

Besides, I think you're a very pretty girl.

- So do I. - Thanks.

But a note from my parents isn't gonna cut any ice

with Mark Beaumont.

Well, I'm gonna do something about it.

As of this very second...

...I am going on a diet.

Alice, on a diet?

Where's Alice?

She's making something special for her dinner.

Something special huh? Can I have some too? Huh?

Please, mom. What is it?

A double strawberry shortcake with triple whipped cream?

Six alfalfa sprouts with wheat germ.

If it's not too late, I'd like to withdraw my offer.

Alfalfa sprouts and wheat germ?

And that's all I'm gonna eat for 15 days.

But why?

Now, Jamie, it's a private matter.

Don't ask questions.

You can't keep a big thing like this under wraps.

What's the president gonna tell the country

when all the brownie mix factories go out of business?

If you must know, I'm on a reducing diet.

Alfalfa for dinner and shredded coconut

with a kumquat for breakfast.

I read a diet book that recommended

deep breathing and drinking hot tea

poured over cherry yogurt and sunflower seed.

[Alice] Hey, wild!

I got an even wilder one. Are you ready?

Why not just eat ordinary meals?

Nothing fancy, just smaller portions.

Does that work?

It did during the depression.

[Ralph] Hey, get out of here.

Ralph, what are you doing?

I'm staking out your house to protect you

from that Fenstermacher kid.

You're protecting us from Herbie?

He's trouble, big trouble, El trouble-rooney.

I checked him out.

His father drives a Japanese car with American plates.

Relax, Ralph, you can forget about Herbie.

You probably won't be seeing much of him around here anymore.

He got busted, right? He was selling bomb secrets, right?

They'll throw a book at him

especially, since he's got that Little League

membership on his record.

No, it's nothing like that.

He won't be around because Alice just won't have time for him.

Now that she's decided to accept dates

from the other boys who've been asking her.

Come on. Other boys? Alice? Like who?

Well, there's... Mark Baumhart. Lots of fellows.

Yes, sir, in a couple of weeks

this driveway will be too deep in jalopies.

Well, that's what you have to put up with

when you have an attractive, popular daughter.

[Harry] Alice!

- Papa! - What's going on?

Ah, I'm sorry.

I-I can't help it. I can't.

I get too hungry.

I heard voices. Alice?

I tried as hard as I could, but it was just too much for me.

Oh, you poor dear.

But, don't you worry, the first day is always difficult.

Now, you have your little snack

and you can start your diet some other time

when you feel up to it.

Well, that sure didn't last long.

- Harry, we have to help her. - What can we--

It's too difficult for her not to eat, when she sees us eating.

There's only one answer.

For her sake, we have to go on a diet, too.

If you don't mind, Ralph, I have to stop by school.

Alice forgot her lunch.

You're taking a chance, Harry.

Them, school kids, they'll tip over the car

and burn it and probably, soak the windows too.

They're on a full-time, round-the-clock riot.

Well, I haven't heard anything about it.

I know. The newspaper editor won't print the story.

Because he's afraid they'll tip over and burn his car too.

Eh, looks pretty quiet. Oh, there she is.

Hi, Alice!

Thanks, papa.

Eat in good health, all three calories.

- What is it? - There he is, M-Mark Baumhart.

[Alice] Isn't he scrumptious?

Sure is, but then, even I might look scrumptious

next to Herbie Fenstermacher.

That was an awful small lunch.

Well, she's cutting down.

We all have been, for the past four days.

Sure isn't easy.

I know, I got a weight problem myself.

Just can't seem to put any on. I tried everything.

Like, this morning, all along with my regular steak and eggs

I had a double stack of wheat, stripping in butter

and real thick maple syrup oozing over the side.

At the coffee break, I'll have a couple of cheese Danish

and for lunch, maybe pizzas, spaghetti

and a few ice-cold beers.

Or I may go for some double-cheese burger, fries

and a real, thick chocolate shake...

...along with...

What did I say?

Okay, here's the scale.

Let's see how we did for the week.

You go first, mom.

Well, um, alright, here I go.

Oh, at first, I'd better take off my shoes.

And my earrings.

And my bobby pins.

[Harry] Just one favor, Irma.

Leave in your tooth fillings.

Oh, look at that.

I lost almost two pounds.

Hurray for mom!

You're next, pop.

Well, okay. But you better give me a hand.

I'm too weak to step up on it myself.

Harry, you lost four pounds.

Hey, let's celebrate.

Break out the brownie mix.

Oh, Harry.

And now, the main event.

- Come on, Alice. - Oh, I'm so excited.

I didn't eat anything I wasn't supposed to

for the whole seven days.

Well, what does it say?

What's wrong?

I gained three pounds.

[weeping]

I simply don't understand.

All week, we've been starving ourselves crazy for her sake.

And she gains three pounds.

It's not her fault, Harry.

She's just one of those people.

They just look at a cookie and blow up.

Is that what she's been doing, Irma?

Looking at cookies?

While I've been dying of hunger, she's been looking at cookies.

It just takes some people's bodies longer to react.

Not mine. After the very first watercrest salad I ate

my body quit completely.

Oh, why did I get involved?

I don't want a date with Mark Baumhart.

Well, there is another way, but it's expensive.

Oh, naturally.

Her school vacation's coming up.

We could let her go to a health farm.

[Harry] A health farm?

They guarantee you'll lose weight.

But it costs $200 a week.

You mean to say that you pay them 200 bucks

just so they won't give you room service.

I guess she'll just have to settle for Herbie Fenstermacher.

It could be worse.

[dreaming] Okay, we're all set for the family picture.

Now, this is my daughter, Alice.

And her husband, Herbie.

Papa, go sit on the sofa, with all the little Fenstermachers.

There, that's good.

What a wonderful picture.

Papa Boyle and all his grandchildren.

Papa, Mark and I have to leave now.

Would you bring the children?

[Harry] In a minute.

The TV newsmen want a few more pictures.

[whooshing]

Irma, wake up.

We're sending Alice to the health farm

first thing in the morning.

What made you change your mind, dear?

[Harry] Well, I, uh, just got to thinking.

These are important years for Alice.

So, we owe it to her, for... her sake.

I'm sure your little girl will do extremely well here.

She has very good bones.

She knows that. She just wants to see more of them.

Do you have lots of activities?

Oh, my, yes, just scads.

We have tennis, riding, swimming, movies, hikes

and lots of fun card games.

Yeah, but I don't see anybody doing anything.

Yes, well, frankly, most of our guests just stay in their rooms

and gnaw on the furniture. Ha-ha-ha.

I see you've raised your prices.

[male 1] Well, it can't be helped.

The costs of not serving food have gone sky high. Ha-ha.

I made that up myself.

It figures. Well, I better be getting back.

Bye, honey. Good luck.

Thanks, papa.

Are you gonna stay on your diet too?

Uh, probably, you know me.

Ol' mister willpower.

[tires screeching]

I'd like to place an order.

For a starter, bring me everything.

Oh, Harry, I just can't wait to see Alice.

What time did she say to pick her up?

She said to come up right after...

...you should pardon the expression, lunch.

[Irma] She'll probably be just as surprised

with the change in me too.

You know, I stuck right to my diet.

[Harry] Brownies are on your diet?

I'm not eating it. I'm testing it.

And the piece of fried chicken before that?

That doesn't count against me.

I took it off of Chet's plate.

And the ice-cream yesterday?

Oh, there was just a little bit left over from Jamie's party.

No, it sure hasn't been easy.

But then, nothing worthwhile ever is.

[doorbell ringing]

I'll get it.

Hey mom it's the cosmetics lady.

Jamie, don't you recognize me?

- Rita Gumbower. - Alice!

Stand back, let me see her.

Ta-dah!

That's Alice? That's all of her?

There's no more of her coming?

I just can't get over how marvelous you look.

- Telephone! - Be right there.

Boys have been calling ever since

she came home this morning.

Rita Gumbower's already a has-been.

Yes, sending Alice to that health farm

was the best thing we've ever done.

From now on, we'll see some real classy boys

around here for a change.

Oh, listen, I better go pick up a few cases

of soft drinks to be ready for 'em.

You know, I should've done the same thing when I was a girl.

I would've met cuter boys.

You did meet a cute boy.

Remember?

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Of course you were cute, Herby.

I mean, um, Harry.

[chugging]

Say, Bill, did I tell you?

Alice just came back from a health farm. What a change!

Hey, I'm afraid she's gonna be

giving your Rita some competition.

- I sure hope so. - You hope so?

Being the father of a beauty queen. It's a nightmare.

Boys around, night and day.

Yeah, but you do get the best boys.

You get the worst. The worst!

The real solid, steady types...

...they don't wanna get into competition.

So you get the good-looking sharpies.

The operator with the fast cars and too much money.

They're only after one thing.

You're joking.

No. Well, remember the great-looking chicks

when you were in school?

Hmm? What was on your mind?

Oh, there's your father.

Won't he be excited to hear I'm going out

with Mark Beaumont?

Guess what, dear? Alice has a dinner date tonight

with Mark Beaumont.

Can she cancel it?

Cancel it? But, Harry...

[doorbell rings]

It's him! I'll get it.

Screech

Send him away! Say we've got the plague

termites, leprosy.

[Alice] Oh, come on, papa.

- Hi, Alice. - Come in, Mark.

I'd like you to meet my parents.

How do you do, Mrs. Boyle?

Mr. Boyle.

Well, shall we go?

Now, wait. Why don't you kids have dinner with us tonight?

Well, thanks. But I already made reservations

at the Starlight Room.

That dark little place where everybody squeeze together?

We'll go with ya.

Daddy!

Now, you two go along and have fun.

Not necessarily.

Harry stop worryin'.

It's my fault.

Truth is, I wasn't doing anything of Alice

I was only thinking of myself.

I wanted the good-looking guys coming around

to satisfy my vanity.

Alice will be fine.

After all, she wasn't born yesterday.

But she was.

We never had a daughter who looked like that before.

And she's not even home yet.

It's only 9 o'clock.

Yeah, well, a lot can happen by 9 o'clock.

Bill Gumball was right.

Having a good-looking daughter sure isn't that great.

[Alice] Hi, everybody.

[Irma] You're home early.

That guy got fresh, didn't he? I knew it.

- What he got was boring. - Boring?

I finally had a date with a good-looking guy

and found out he didn't have a thing to say.

I guess they're so used to getting by on appearance

they never have to develop any personality.

Um, Herby called.

He's probably at the pizza parlor.

It's still early, I'll go meet him.

Well, Harry...

How about that, huh?

Yes, sir, that hellfire may have shrunk her body

but they sure didn't shrink down that magnificent Boyle brain.

- Morning, dear. - Morning, dear.

Oh, a-a letter came.

It's from that health farm.

Well, can't be the bill. I've already paid them.

Then what could it be?

Well, of all the nerve! Look what they sent!

A brochure describing your weight reducing program.

But what's wrong with their sending a brochure?

Nothing. But what I do object to is that it's addressed to me

and they stamp the envelope urgent.

[giggling]

♪♪

[music fades]