Original subtitles

Just routine. First, do you have a mistress?

What? Of course not!

What has that got to do with the accident?

Harry, you answer him. Do you have a mistress?

- Of course not! - Well, that's typical.

The guilty ones all deny it.

But don't worry, Mrs. Boyle.

I'll be happy to represent you in the divorce action.

Whack

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean? ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Thanks for letting me drive home, papa.

Oh, practice is good for you and you're doing very well.

Thank you.

[engine revving]

Why the speedup?

I wanna read the bumper sticker on that car in front of us.

- Some on them are really wild. - But you're getting too...

[tires screeching]

Oh, it's just a dullsville sticker.

All it says is "Don't tailgate."

Sorry, honey, but I can't take the chance

of having an accident.

My insurance rates are high enough as it is.

Ting

[tires screeching]

Crash

Are you alright?

Oh, um, I'm fine. Sorry I ran into you.

Oh, that's okay.

Gee, I dented your car.

No, no. That's my daughter's dent.

It's a matched set with the one my wife made on the other side.

But I did scratch your paint.

I'd really feel better if you gave me your name and address.

The name is Harry Boyle. 30 Elm Street.

But don't worry about it.

It's certainly refreshing to meet an honest person

for a change.

Harry, do you know a Mr. Simmons?

- No. Who's he? - A lawyer.

He called about some accident with a girl on a bicycle.

Oh he can forget it. I'm not suing.

[Irma] But he is.

He said you went through a red light and knocked her down.

And the medical bills will be 500 dollars for the whiplash.

How could you, Harry?

A poor girl on her little bike.

And you say you're such a careful driver.

I am! And it didn't happen that way. She ran into me!

All I know is that he had a very nice deep voice

and sounded honest.

[Harry] Oh, beautiful.

We've been married 24 years

Alice, you've known for 16

yet you'd rather believe some stranger on the phone

because he sings bass.

Now, Harry--

[Harry] Next you'll be claiming I broke both arms and legs.

He said they're taking X-rays for that.

As your insurance agent, Mr. Boyle

I suggest you simply let our company pay the claim.

But it wasn't my fault.

What is it with people today?

Whiplash. We've become a nation of phony neck braces.

Well, it won't be coming out of your pocket.

Still, it burns me up.

Okay, if you want to settle, settle.

Smart decision.

Of course, we'll have to raise your premium.

Why?

Well, you have been in an accident

and one usually leads to another.

That does it! I'm not settling, I'm gonna fight this case.

Don't raise your blood pressure, Mr. Boyle

or I'll have to recommend we cancel

your life insurance policy, too.

We're doing the right thing, Irma.

Old man Gibson is a great lawyer.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that must be him. I'll fix some tea.

It's a good idea. He probably came right from the office.

He's really a dedicated old codger.

- Mr. Boyle? - Yes.

- That's, uh, Harry J. Boyle? - Right.

Don Gibson Jr. Dad sent me to take over the case.

But I've known him for years. He never mentioned he had a son.

Never did, eh? Strange, my mother has the same habit.

Ever since I was born, somehow, my name never seems

to come up in their conversations.

[door closes]

Excuse the sporty attire, but I just got off the golf course.

- Set a new club record. - Oh, good.

I teed off at six this morning

and just got to the 18th hole 15 minutes ago.

Broke the old course endurance record by two hours.

[rattling]

You must have played the last few holes in the dark.

Yes, and it wasn't easy swinging a driver with one hand

and holding up a light match with the other.

Let's get to work.

I understand you got yourself into a real stink.

Look, maybe it would be better if your father handled this.

[Don] Dad's wrapped up in a real biggie, so I volunteered.

But don't worry, Boyle, I'm no greenhorn.

- I've handled 60 cases. - How many did you win?

Well, let me put it this way.

If we knock over this one

you and I will go out and celebrate my first victory.

You didn't win one case out of 60?

That's the old law game. Peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys.

Sounds more like valleys and valleys.

It's all to your advantage.

After a blitz like that, I'm overdue.

Law of averages is with us.

Oh dear, this is Mr. Gibson's son.

He's taking over my case. My wife Irma.

- Enchante, my dear. - How do you do?

Uh, why did Mr. Gibson never mentioned he had a son?

Stick around. You'll find out.

Somehow our relationship is not generally null.

In fact, only recently

I discovered dad has my birth certificate

locked up in a Swiss bank account

with an enlisted number.

I told you, you'd find out.

Do you know the opposing lawyer Mr. Simmons?

Simmons, eh? Well, this is going to be a toughie.

He's got a very deep voice.

Are you sure your father's too busy?

[Don] Actually, you'll do a lot better with me.

I have a way of ingratiating myself with everyone.

I'm a master of tact and diplomacy.

Who's that tub of lard stuffing her face with a banana?

That's my daughter.

Oh! Well, there's an example of my diplomacy right there.

You'll notice I did not say "fatso."

How about this mess you're in?

I'd like to ask a few questions.

- Move over, son. - Oh, that's your son, eh?

I thought it was a throw pillow.

Okay. What kind of questions?

Just routine. First, do you have a mistress?

What? Of course not!

And what has that got to do with the accident?

Harry, you answer him. Do you have a mistress?

- Of course not! - Well, that's typical.

The guilty ones all deny it.

But don't worry, Mrs. Boyle.

I'll be happy to represent you in the divorce action.

Whack

[shatters]

Got to do something about that slice.

Now look, this is a very simple thing.

A girl ran into me on her bike.

I see. Well, that seems very cut-and-dried.

Now, all I have to figure out is someway to go into court

and make that ridiculous lie stand up.

Whack

[gulps]

Harry, can't you sleep?

How did you know I wasn't sleeping?

You woke me up when I didn't hear you snoring.

What's wrong, dear?

It's that lawyer. Everybody else gets Perry Mason.

I get a guy who hits niblick shots through windows

and putts into my dog's mouth.

- Harry, about your mistress-- - Irma!

It's the girl on the bike, isn't it?

I still don't understand why we had to come to the golf course.

Why couldn't we meet in your office?

Too chancy.

The opposing lawyer, that unethical Simmons Jasper

probably has my office bugged.

No kidding. What makes you think so?

Because his secretary was acting very suspicious

when I was up there planting my bug in his office.

You bugged his office?

[Don] Slipped one into his bottled water cooler.

Should be very helpful.

Although frankly, all I've got so far

is eight hours of tape going glug glug glug.

Whack

[Don] I did that on purpose.

It keeps Jonathan Livingston Seagull

on his toes.

Have you got any deposition from the plaintiff yet?

Deposition from the plaintiff, eh? Ha ha ha.

It always amuses me to hear you amateurs

attempting the legal language of my profession.

But have you got any deposition?

First, I'll have to consult my books.

- Your law books? - My dictionary.

To find out what a deposition is.

Why me? Why always me?

I've heard of roughs, but this is ridiculous.

I don't think he should be there, pop.

Neither do I. At least, not standing up.

Mr. Gibson, give it up!

Not me. No, sir. Never say die.

Right, fellas?

Have you made any preparations at all for my trial?

Well the scuttlebutt around my office says

that we're scheduled Friday morning

before a Judge Cartwright.

I shall present my dazzling

courtroom pyrotechnics as usual

and then we go directly back to your house.

What for?

To stand by the phone and hope that the governor will call.

Come on, I'd like to inspect the green.

Shh. Someone's putting.

Okay, easy now. Relax.

May we play through?

I asked you a simple question.

The least you can do is stop and answer.

Do you know what you just did?

You've ruined the best score I've ever had!

I could have broken 80.

With that clumsy putting stance? Don't make me laugh.

[Don] Now, replace that divot and stand clear.

My ball is only 200 yards away in the tee.

And I don't want some old duffer like you ruining my hole in one.

On second thought, I'm quitting for today. He ruined my rhythm.

I better go up and apologize for that nincompoop.

If I ever see that man again, I'll-I'll...

I know just how you feel, Judge Cartwright.

Judge Cartwright?

Gee, pop, isn't he the one who's...

Calm down, Harry. I'm worried about your ulcer.

Well, you won't have to worry about it much longer.

Beginning tomorrow morning, it'll be under the care

of a good prison doctor.

You'll win, dear. You've got justice on your side.

I also have a din-a-ling lawyer on my side.

There's only one thing to do.

I'll stop at old man Gibson's office

and tell him to take the case away from his son.

But you can't. You'll hurt the boy's feeling.

- That I'll learn to live with. - Harry...

Why does everyone today worry so much about

hurting some hacker's feelings?

The TV repair man louses up your set

you say nothing so you won't hurt his feelings.

A mugger grabs you, you don't have enough cash.

"Don't hurt his feelings, ask if he'll take a credit card."

- This is different. - No, it's not!

It's time we stop giving out medals for mediocrity.

No wonder we have so few skilled craftsmen nowadays.

Why should they bother giving good honest work

when we'll give bums a pat on the back

so as not to hurt their feelings?

I'm sorry, Harry.

Looked like such a simple case, I was hoping he could handle it.

So was I, right up until he called the judge

a doddering old duffer.

I'll go over the case and give him explicit instructions.

Oh, thank you.

And Judge Cartwright's a fair man.

He'll probably forget that one little situ on the golf course.

Ah, that boy.

But there's one good thing about him.

At least he's made me happy with my vasectomy.

[Alice] Oh, I'm nervous, papa.

I've never been on a witness stand before.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

Old man Gibson has told his son exactly what questions to ask.

And all you have to do is answer them honestly.

You'll do fine, honey.

And the judge will just love your yellow dress.

It won't clash with his black robe.

Yeah, that'll be big points for our side.

Hey, pop, here comes your lawyer.

[Don] Good morning, group!

Now now, Boyle, let's see a big smile.

If you wear that hangdog expression in court

we'll never be able to fool them.

Hey, Harry! Glad I got here in time. I got a great idea.

I'll testify I was in the car with ya

suffering from a terrible heart attack

and you were rushing me to the hospital.

Therefore, the accident wasn't your fault.

- Oh, Ralph. - Will you let me handle this?

Now, you're actually suggesting

that you'll get up in a court of justice and commit perjury

with that blatant falsehood?

It's absolutely unthinkable.

I'm the lawyer. Let me handle this.

The big question is...

Do you think we could get away with it?

I beg your pardon.

Well, look who's here. It's old clumsy.

You've been drinking this early in the morning?

- Don, please. - What're you doing here anyway?

They got you on trial for lousy putting?

Don't you know who that is? It's Judge Cartwright!

Cartwright, Cartwright...

Hmm, I've heard that name somewhere.

He's the judge trying my case.

Of course, of course. That's where I heard it.

Now, we've got a few minutes to run this down.

- So here's my plan of attack. - Your plan of attack?

But didn't your father tell you what to do?

Yes, but I've decided to ignore his advice

because he's obviously senile.

For instance, last night he gave me a plane ticket to Mozambique.

And it's not even my birthday. At least I don't think it is.

Hard to tell, since like I mentioned

my birth certificate is under lock and key in Switzerland.

ls the attorney for the plaintiff ready?

Ready, Your Honor.

[Cartwright] ls the attorney for the defense ready?

Ready Your Honor!

I'll smooth things over with him.

Look, judge, why don't we go out to the club sometime

and have a little lunch and maybe a sauna?

During which time I'd be happy to give you some pointers

on that miserable backswing of yours.

Isn't it wonderful, Harry? He knows the judge.

Now then, Miss Boyle, did you see the accident quite clearly?

Yes, I did.

That is as clearly as anyone could

through glasses that thick.

I mean, you're practically wearing

'the bottoms of milk bottles.

[laughs]

But, but I, um--

[Don] You do love your father, don't you, Miss Boyle?

Of course.

And if you could think up something

to say or get him out of this mess

you'd say it, wouldn't you?

Well, if you can think up something, this is a good time

to go ahead and say it.

Your witness, Mr. Simmons.

No questions, Your Honor.

Hear that? A lawyer's afraid to talk.

He doesn't have to.

And you still maintain your story

that your car was standing absolutely still

when the plaintiff ran into you?

That's right, I was stopped for a red light.

[Simmons] Well, it seems to me--

- I object, Your Honor! - To what?

Mainly to that deep voice of yours.

But mainly I object to this

incessant badgering of my client.

It doesn't matter if his car was standing still

or moving at an excessive speed.

Mr. Boyle is a busy man.

He can't be expected to pay attention to trivial details

like a helpless young girl on a bicycle.

He has more important things on his mind.

Like, how to find tax loopholes.

Or how to beat the unions by hiring

illegal aliens from below the border.

What're you saying?

[Don] Or, all else failing...

...how to plan the perfect insurance fire.

Remember, this is a man also beset

with distracting family problems.

Like a long-haired son who's a motorcycle freak

and gang member.

After all, it's not easy trying to fix all those tickets

this punk has for drag racing in a school zone.

Mom, what's he trying to do?

Quiet, Chet, he's building up a lot of sympathy for your father.

Then there's the heartache of a teenage daughter

who probably just broke the news

that she's about to become an unwed mother.

Alice. First, your father with the mistress and now this?

I ask the court to picture poor Harry Boyle

on the morning of the accident.

A man so burdened with woes

naturally his eyes were brimming with tears.

Naturally his vision was faulty.

But my vision was fine.

[Don] And a man with all that sorrows

naturally he also had a bottle along

and had taken more than a few nips.

- That's not true! - Mom, did you hear that?

Shh. He's still building sympathy.

[Don] And so, maybe, was going much too fast.

Again, perfectly natural.

Obviously he was speeding to be in the arms of the other woman.

His one haven of love

in a world turned against him.

You think he's still building sympathy for pop?

Not with me.

Now, I put it to you, man-to-man, judge.

Thud

[Don] Sorry about that, Your Honor.

Council will confine his dramatic gestures.

Now, as I was saying before being so rudely interrupted.

Here's Boyle, a fellow foregone on the sauce

hurrying to meet his bimbo.

Now, wouldn't it be plain stupid to expect him to lose time

by swerving around just to miss clobbering

some fool kid on a bike?

thud

Your Honor, I would like to call the plaintiff

Miss June Braslow to the stand.

Here's where we win it, Boyle.

Nobody's gonna pay the slightest attention

to some gawky kid like that.

Splat

[Don] On second thought

how are you at baking cakes with a file in it?

- Whose side are you on? - Yours, of course.

But I'm seriously thinking of making a switch.

Well, do it fast. It's my only hope.

But the truth is, there's no hope.

Your Honor, may I beg your indulgence

as a friend of the court and ask for a short recess

to consult with you and Mr. Simmons in chambers?

You want me there too, don't you?

[Gibson] Not necessarily.

On that basis, the recess is granted.

[Don] They're in there almost half an hour.

What's dad trying to do?

I had this case just about locked up.

What you had just about locked up was me.

Anyway, this will give me a chance

to talk with that Braslow girl.

There's one vital question I'd like to ask her.

Like what?

Like, whether she'd like to take a sauna with me.

Psst, Harry. Here she is, Harry.

One of our expert vigilante witnesses.

She'll knock 'em dead. How can they not believe this old lady?

While she's on the stand lying for you

she crochets the American flag.

I don't need anyone to lie for me.

In the knitting bag, she also has a homemade apple pie

to slip to judge before she takes the oath.

I'm relying on old man Gibson and the truth.

The truth? What're you trying to do?

Undermine the whole system of government?

On your feet! Here come the judge.

Therefore, on the basis of these newly admitted depositions

of eye witnesses and court records provided to me

showing the plaintiff was involved in previous accidents

in which her carelessness was proved

the plaintiff has agreed to drop all charges.

Case dismissed.

I won! I knew I'd break that losing streak.

- Congratulations, dad. - I'm so happy, papa.

So am I, Harry. And I forgive you.

What's more, I'm going to the spa and have a double facial.

I'm going to fight to win you back.

Yeah, it'll be easy. How can I thank you?

[Don] Well, here's one way. My bill.

A hundred and twenty five dollar

and seventy five cents?

The 125 is for my brilliant legal council.

The seventy five cents is for my golf ball

that dumbo dog of yours swallowed.

It was nice of you to drive us home.

It's the least I can do to celebrate

my new winning streak of one.

I still recommend you take your dad's offer

of a trip to Mozambique.

I hope this has taught you something, Boyle.

When you drive a motorcar

you must give it your complete attention

or you'll be getting into...

Crash

...accidents.

Luckily, I have you all along as witnesses.

It won't do you much good. Look!

The guy you bumped into was Judge Cartwright

[theme music]