Original subtitles

Compared to the treatment I'm getting, it'd be a pleasure.

I stopped by to alert you.

And don't get too cozy with Pete Benson.

He's an enemy agent. And now, I've got proof.

He's out there in his garage with the doors closed

and I found sketches of a secret naval weapon in his garage.

Oh, that.

Well, you see, there's a school project--

And inside the garage, he's using power tools.

Power tools? Are you sure?

I heard 'em. And they're probably from Red China.

I can tell from the tiny whine.

See ya.

Julius, maybe you and I should take a little walk.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean? ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

♪♪

- Hi, mom. - Hold it.

You're not going through my house

with those filthy pants.

Now, where're your new ones?

These are my new ones.

But look at them.

Yeah, aren't they great? It's my secret formula.

First, I dip 'em in root beer.

Then I drag 'em along behind my bicycle.

Just take them off. I've got a wash going.

Take 'em off? Here?

Yes, here. Now, hurry up.

Well don't look.

I'm going through my shy phase.

What about the bulletin from school?

What bulletin?

The one that's in my pocket.

Your pocket?

Why didn't you say so?

Hi, I'm... home.

What's for dinner?

Roast paper?

Meat prices must really be out of sight.

It's a bulletin from school.

I hope we have plenty of ketchup.

"Parents and friends are cordially invited to open house

on Friday afternoon at 1:30."

- You'll get out of class. - That's the good part.

[Harry] "Students' projects will be on display."

That's the bad part.

They laid a project on you?

Yeah, American History. A real bummer.

That's a bummer?

When I was in school, I made an Indian village.

An Indian village? Like Alcatraz and Wounded Knee?

Back then, we did tame stuff.

Like the shores of Gitchi Gummi.

Wish they told me what to make.

[Irma] Well, what do you suggest, Harry?

I suggest we let him think of it himself.

It's his project.

- I got it! - You got what?

The idea for my project.

The first trans-continental railroad.

You know, when the two trains met.

Hey, that sounds great!

I better get started. I'm gonna call it "East Meets West."

There you see? He thought of it himself.

Harry, you were right.

Where does he get such wonderful ideas?

Takes after his father.

"The first trans-continental express."

Hmm. the two engines there and the dignitaries

and the Chinese workmen and the mountains in the background.

Ah. That'll be something to see.

- I'm finished. - You're what?

I'm all done with my project.

In 30 seconds?

[Jamie] East Meets West.

A nail? Painted yellow?

That's the golden spike. Don't you know your history?

Oh, of course. Golden Spike.

Well, um, it's certainly concise.

Golly. You work your heart out, and nobody cares.

Well, take away the engines and the dignitaries

and the Chinese and the mountains

and this is just how I saw it.

Harry, um maybe he does need some help.

Irma, we are not mixing in.

[grunting]

Oh, somebody's coming.

[sniffles]

Some watchdog. Wrong door.

Oh, hi, Pete.

Hi, Harry, Irma.

Say, can I borrow a hunk of wood, about this long?

It's for Sally's project.

Oh, how nice.

A father helping his child.

Isn't that nice, Harry?

He's just borrowing a piece of wood, Irma.

That's not exactly doing all the work.

Certainly not.

I don't believe in parents interfering in these things.

I just didn't want Sally out after dark.

What's she making?

She's gonna build a model of the Merrimack.

You know, the confederate iron warship

that fought the Monitor.

I thought she was making a tom-tom out of an oatmeal box.

Well, she was, but I...

Uh, that is she figured the Merrimack would bring

a better challenge to her abilities.

What's Jamie making?

Well, uh...

It's tough to nail it down.

Merrimack, huh?

That's an unusual choice for a girl.

Well, Sally's exceptional with her hands.

Takes after her old man.

Not that I believe in competition.

But when you're good, you know,

why not show it, right?

What did you say Jamie's making?

Well, it's, uh...

He's building the Monitor.

He is?

He is!

Really? The other ironclad.

Well, that's quite a coincidence.

[Harry] It's quite a surprise too.

Well, Jamie's very exceptional with his hands too.

Well, uh, Pete, the garage is open

help yourself to the wood.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Monitor?

I had to say something.

I mean, the way he was bragging about Sally.

Irma this is not a competition between parents.

But maybe Jamie would like to do the Monitor.

It's not against your principles

just to suggest something, is it?

Well, no.

I-I guess a suggestion's okay.

[Harry] Now, we don't want to influence you in any way.

If you'd like to make the Monitor, fine.

Or if you'd rather turn in this uh, Golden Spike

well, that's fine too.

You do understand what we're saying, dear.

Yeah, I'm not gonna get away with a spike.

You know, I'd kinda like to do that Monitor boat

but I'm crummy with my hands.

Well, you could give it a try.

Yeah. But remember, I won't be helping you.

[Jamie] Hey, I know.

For the round turret, I can use one of the pots

you make at the factory.

And if you'd cut off the handle and drill some holes in it

and paint it gray, and take me to the library

to look at some pictures of it and...

Woah, woah, woah, woah!

I'll take you to the library and that's all.

And only because you can't drive.

I can't find any books.

You're in a library and you can't find any books?

That's better than your brother.

He can't even find the library.

I mean, books about the Civil War.

They're all gone.

[Harry] Oh, that's impossible, Jamie.

You probably looked in the wrong section.

Now let's see. Civil War.

I'm telling you, pop. The books are all gone.

Here we are, "Civil War."

And all the books are gone.

Hiya, Pete.

Oh, uh, Harry.

W-What are you doing here?

Trying to find some books about the Civil War

but they all seem to be missing.

Well, Sally and I took a few.

She wanted a picture of the Merrimack.

Ha! Haven't you forgotten something?

- What? - Sally.

Oh, she-she's right here, someplace.

Uh, Sally?

Are we home yet, daddy?

[Harry] Hmm. Sally draws a very nice sketch.

Uh, just a minute.

Sally did a lot of the work.

I sharpened the pencils.

Honey, you're not awake yet.

Sally, doing the Merrimack?

I bet it'll still look like an oatmeal box, huh, pop?

Oh? Sure, sure.

How's it coming?

Okay, I guess. But, don't worry.

I'm doing it myself.

[Harry] It's stuck.

Don't-don't help me. I can get it.

Oh, that's alright, there's a lot more blades in the drawer.

[Jamie] Not anymore.

[Harry] Those cuts bother you, son?

They're just scratches.

[Harry] Well, it's-it's just great

that you're managing all by yourself.

isn't it?

Why can't everyone understand, the best way I can help Jamie

is not to help him?

Alright, so Pete is helping his daughter a little.

Does that make it right? Besides, it's his decision.

Let his kid grow up without self-reliance.

Right?

I mean, he was only helping her a little.

poing

- Pretty sloppy, Harry. - Huh?

Your security.

Window wide open, no burglar alarm, back turned.

If I were Zhou Enlai, I could've had

bamboo slitters under your nails before you knew it.

Compared to the treatment I'm getting, it'd be a pleasure.

I stopped by to alert you.

And don't get too cozy with Pete Benson.

He's an enemy agent. And now, I've got proof.

He's out there in his garage with the doors closed

and I found sketches of a secret naval weapon in his garage.

Oh, that.

You see, there's a school project--

And inside the garage, he's using power tools.

Power tools? Are you sure?

I heard 'em. And they're probably from Red China.

I can tell from the tiny whine.

See ya.

Julius, maybe you and I should take a little walk.

[machine whirring]

Can't I do something?

Sure, honey. Pull out the plug.

Is that all I get to do?

Handling the electric cord is very important.

I mean, without that, we couldn't do anything.

- Oh. Hi, Harry. - Hi, Pete.

Just, uh, walking the dog, and thought I'd say hello.

Wow, hello!

Well, nice seeing you, Harry. Drop in again.

Is that your project?

Papa says it's gonna make everyone else's look sick.

Honey, I told you, winning isn't important.

She's certainly doing a great job.

Yeah, she's really got talent.

I pull out the plug.

I just finished my project. Look!

It's the Monitor.

Isn't it great?

Oh. Sure. Absolutely.

I made it all by myself. Just like you said.

Think I'll win a ribbon?

Uh...

Careful, the turret keeps falling off.

I'm gonna phone Billy.

Well, that's the way you wanted it. Isn't it?

[machine whirring at distance]

[cheering and applauding]

Tell 'em how you did it.

I pulled out the plug.

Wait, you haven't seen mine yet.

Jamie, you really think it's ready?

Maybe you shouldn't--

Hit it.

[Jamie] There it is. I made it myself.

What's it supposed to be?

Who can tell? It just proves that Boyles have no class.

And the kid's as dumb as his old man.

What is the court's opinion?

Jamie Boyle, we sentence you 20 years in the 4th grade

for flunking open house.

Where is this boy's father?

Where is this boy's father?

Where is this boy's father?

Just a second, Jamie.

I'll turn off the garbage disposal.

Oh, good morning, papa. You look awful.

- Hi, Jamie. - Hi, pop.

I'm testing the Monitor to see if it'll float.

Uh, son. Maybe it's time we had a little talk.

About what?

Well, you know, things.

Oh, that. Relax, pop.

They told us all about it in school last Tuesday.

[Harry] Well, what I meant was, I-I bet you got a lot of ideas

on how could improve on this, huh?

No.

Maybe we could get together and do a little better job.

Isn't that cheating?

Try to think of it as cooperating.

I mean, the idea is to learn.

If we made a little more detailed model

you'd learn more.

Thanks, pop. But I guess I've learned enough.

I'll just turn it in like it is.

Hey, guess what I found in the garage.

I deny any knowledge of those nudey magazines.

What's this, pop?

An old piece of wood I just happened to find.

It's amazing how much it looks like the deck of your model.

Only, it's a little bigger and a little smoother.

Now, what do you think we can do with it?

Make a skateboard?

It's not cutting.

Well, you gotta hold it flat. Careful now don't gouge it.

Here, let me help you, huh?

That's it. Easy does it.

Oh. Hey.

[Irma] Making a new model?

Yeah. Pop accidentally ran over my other one with the car.

I'm not helping him. He's doing everything.

Now, don't make him work too hard, dear.

[camera shutter clicks]

What are you doing?

I've got the goods on you now. Who're you taking orders from?

Peking or Moscow?

What are you talking about?

You had me fooled with that

white protestant make up for a while. Now I got you.

Let's see you say "rots-a-ruck."

You mean, lots of luck?

I thought so. You Orientals can't pronounce your R's.

Just get away from the Merrimack.

Code name, huh? I'll make a note of that word.

This evidence will prove you're a crook, a spy

and a dirty trader.

Uh, can I borrow your pencil?

No.

You won't even lend me a pencil

and you call yourself a neighbor?

Clear out, Ralph.

Alright, for you. I'll borrow one from Harry.

He's in his garage building something.

He's building something?

Big wooden boat. Guess he's going fishing.

You haven't heard the last of this.

And you can stop wearing that phony crew cut wig.

Building a big boat, huh?

[Harry] Pete?

Oh, hi, Harry. Just walking by.

Oh, say. what's this? Jamie's project?

Uh, yeah.

Yeah. The kid's really working hard on it.

Goodnight, Pop. Goodnight, Mr. Benson.

How's my project coming?

Oh, fine, fine. Keep up the good work, son.

Movable turret, huh?

Well, I, uh, that is, Jamie thought it'd be a nice touch.

Why, he seems to have done quite an excellent paint job.

Including the paint he got on your hand.

Oh, I-I was just mixing up a sample for the, uh, living room.

Battleship gray?

♪♪

Here we go. Now, we'll make a tape recording.

I'll put it in the model

and it'll sound like the crew of the boat talking.

Don't you think you're going a little too far?

Ah, what's wrong with a little showmanship, eh?

You'd like to have a blue ribbon, wouldn't you?

- Uh, I guess so. - Of course, you would.

Now, remember, everyone, it's a Civil War.

Go.

Captain, captain. Enemy sighted dead ahead.

It's the Merrimack.

Oh, at last. The Battle of the ironclads.

Sound general quarters.

[howling]

Fire when ready, Gridley.

Hark, here come the rebels.

Fight for rights! Free the slaves!

Equal opportunity for blacks.

Desegregate the restrooms.

Love. Peace. Blessing.

Cut. Cut. Hold it!

How's your project coming?

I don't know. Dad won't let me in the garage.

Mine neither.

Mom says he built in a cannon that shoots tennis balls.

Wow!

I wanted to tell him to relax, but...

I know. You hate to spoil his fun.

♪♪

It's a good old American California Mission.

I made it out of sugar cubes.

Neato!

Hey, there's something moving inside.

[boy 1] Yeah. Ants.

Where's your project?

Uh, my dad's bringing it.

That one's Vermont. That's New York.

And that's Rhode Island.

Boy, you're a regular Betsy Ross.

I've really wanted to do something on the Civil War.

But when I went to the library, all the books were gone.

I know.

Where's your project?

My dad's bringing it.

There she is, Sally. Isn't it great?

Oh, sure.

That's yours, huh?

I guess just plain old stars and stripes don't have a chance.

Look, a brake and everything.

I'll go in and clear away a real good place to display it.

Hey, what's that out there?

Your pop really went all out, didn't he?

[Harry] Ahoy there!

Well, where do I drop anchor?

I don't know, mister.

Mister? I'm your father.

- That's your father? - Well, yeah, kinds.

Then, that's your project?

The USS Monitor with real smoke.

Well, I guess I better get back in before the ants eat my roof.

Well, should we take her inside?

Pop, do we have to?

What do you mean, "do we have to?"

[Jamie] It's just that the other guys

have cut out regular things they made themselves.

- Yeah, but, Jamie... - I know you worked hard.

And if you really feel bad, I'll go through with it, but...

You won't have to, son.

Here. Chet fixed it.

Wow! Thanks!

Hey, you guys. Look what I made?

Eat your hearts out.

Hey, Jamie, wait for me.

Crash

[Jamie] Wow! The greatest!

Here you go, Sally. You can have my other project.

- The Golden Spike. - Oh!

How about that?

Oh, Pete's gonna have a fit.

Um, what about you, Harry?

Do you mind if Jamie doesn't use the project?

[Harry] Ah, I suppose not.

You know, it's a funny thing.

All along, I thought the school project

would help Jamie's education, and look what happened.

I'm the one who ends up learning something.

[both chuckle]

Hey, not bad at all.

Pete, now, now, stay calm, I...

Of course, to be honest, it really can't compare

to that beauty over there.

Ruined!

Sabotaged! You did this, Harry.

You're jealous.

bam bam bam

Harry! Uh, do something. Fire back!

[comical music]

Irma, you don't happen to remember

which boat won that fight, do you?

[theme music]