Original subtitles

[Ralph] She had to lug a sack of pennies

if she wanted to buy anything.

Made her stop and think.

- You mean it worked? - Sure, it worked beautiful.

He saved a fortune.

It was the divorce that broke him.

But we really shouldn't blame the wives.

Even though I was kinda mad at Irma at first

I'm sure it's not her fault we're broke.

- She's doing her best. - How do you know?

Have you ever really checked her spendin' habits? Huh? Huh?

- Huh? Huh? - Well--

[Irma] Harry, uh, excuse me.

Can I use the car tonight?

I'd like to do my grocery shopping.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

[Alice] You see what I mean?

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

♪♪

Have you noticed how minority guys

take all the cushy jobs?

I mean, like runnin' these here parking lots.

It shouldn't be allowed.

You know, Ralph, compared to you

the grand wizard of Ku Klux Klan is a flaming liberal.

I know. That's why I never joined.

Vroom

screech

See? That's how they get ya, Harry.

These guys strip the gears, then you have to take your car

to Chicano Mechanics to get it fixed.

They get you comin' and goin'.

You can get your car fixed anywhere.

You don't have to take it to Chicano Mechanics.

But you do, because they're the best.

Now that you got your new fishin' pole

where you headin' for your vacation this year?

Well, I still have a week to decide.

I'm kinda leaning towards Big Pine.

Hmm, no good. Loaded with foreigners.

- So what? - They're troublemakers.

[Ralph] I was fishin there a few weeks ago'

and threw a few beer cans in the lake

and this big honky had the nerve to say

I shouldn't have done it. Imagine.

Denyin' me the American right to pollute.

Oh, what a shame.

Especially since you have a mind that's perfect for it.

♪♪

[Harry] Hi, gang. I'm home.

chomp chomp chomp

I think I saw Julius's tail wagging.

Can't the rest of my family do the same for me?

Chet? Chet.

He was more active before he was born.

At least then he kicked a little.

Oh, hi, pop.

Gettin' ready for your vacation, huh?

Yes, my boy. I'm lookin' forward to doin' for two weeks

what you do for 52 weeks, loaf.

Boy, I hope you and mama don't go to Big Pine again.

It's so middle class.

I got news for you, honey. That's my category.

I'm about as middle class as they come.

Well, why don't you go somewhere exciting?

Like Sunset Camp.

Their cottages are only $50 a week.

And you can save a lot on laundry, too.

- How? - It's a nudist colony.

Nudist colony?

You're suggesting your mother and I

should go to a nudist colony?

The way I'm built, I'm not even ready for Bermuda shorts.

You shouldn't be ashamed of your body papa.

I'm not. But when I come home from a vacation

how can I show people my tan if it doesn't stop anywhere?

Is that you, Harry?

Who were you expecting? A designated pinch-hitter?

Oh, Harry!

[both chuckling]

Gettin' all set for our vacation?

Harry, there's something--

I bet every trout up in Big Pine's saying to each other

"See you in Harry Boyle's frying pan."

- Harry-- - We'll fish together.

We'll be a two reel family.

Harry, there's something I want--

Stop me if I'm wrong, Irma, but the way you keep sayin'

"Harry, there's something..."

I got a feeling there's something.

There is.

You know the money we always put aside

every year for our vacation?

Well, it's all gone.

[Harry screaming] What?!

Please, Harry.

Remember, Dr. O'Neal said you mustn't

make yourself so excited.

But I didn't make myself excited.

You made myself excited.

Oh, look every week, when I give you the household money

I always include extra to put away for our vacation, right?

Actually, there's a very simple explanation, dear.

- Well, that's a comfort. - I spent it.

You're right, it was simple.

What did you buy? A mink coat? Diamond rings?

No, I spent it on more expensive things.

Like meat, vegetables, and potatoes.

All the money went just on food?

Even a can of dog food is 50 cents.

[Harry] You mean that dog costs us $3.50 a week?

[whimpering]

- Why, for that money-- - I know, I know.

Your mother used to feed her family of seven for less.

Feed him bones. The butchers give 'em away.

[Irma] No more, Harry. Believe me.

At the butchers' nowadays

there are positively no freebies.

But our vacation.

Say it, Harry. Go ahead.

You think I don't know how to manage the household money.

No, no, no. I-it's not that at all, Irma, so.

So, look, we'll-we'll forget the vacation.

Honey, it doesn't mean a thing to me, honest.

But if I had a bullet to bite on right now

I'd break every tooth in my mouth.

[crickets chirping]

Shame you won't be able to go on vacation, Harry.

Where does money go to these days, Ralph?

I bring home a decent paycheck every Friday night.

Yet if a pickpocket swipes my wallet Saturday morning

he's doing it just for practice.

It's the wives, Harry.

Like my Susie, everyday she asks $20 for this, $30 for that,

fifty dollars for somethin' else.

[Harry] What does she do with it all?

I don't know, I never give her any.

You might try what my uncle did

to cut down his wife's spendin'.

What did he do?

He gave his wife house money in nothin' but pennies.

No charge accounts, nothin'.

She had to lug around a sack of pennies

if she wanted to buy anything.

Made her stop and think.

- You mean it worked? - Sure, it worked beautiful.

He saved a fortune.

It was the divorce that broke him.

But we really shouldn't blame the wives.

Even though I was kinda mad at Irma at first

I'm sure it's not her fault we're broke.

- She's doing her best. - How do you know?

Have you ever really checked her spendin' habits?

Huh? Huh?

- Huh? - Well...

[Irma] Harry, uh, excuse me.

Can I use the car tonight?

I'd like to do my grocery shopping.

Sure, honey, here are the keys.

Here's your chance, Harry. Go with her.

You'll see why your vacation went pfft!

Oh, I'm positive she knows her job thoroughly.

That's what they said about the look-out on the Titanic.

Alright. Hey, Irma, wait for us!

- Us? - Right, you're coming, too.

So you can see you were wrong about Irma being a bad manager.

It was nice of you both to come along.

But you really didn't have to bother.

Ah, it'll be fun. A little change.

Very little change.

I'll get the cart.

Squeak squeak squeak

Here's one someone left. We'll take it.

Yeah, but there's stuff in it.

Probably things I can use anyway.

[women screaming]

What did you get?

I don't know, but if everybody's getting them

they must be a good buy.

[whistling]

Clang clang clang

Irma, how can you read while you're shopping?

It wasn't easy at first, but you get the hang of it.

Yeah, but--

It helps take your mind off the high prices.

What do we need a quart of Greek olives for? They're expensive.

It's for your Aunt Martha's husband.

She married a Greek gentleman, remember?

So, when they come to visit us, we can serve 'em a Greek salad.

Irma, he died seven years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

But that's alright, the olives will keep.

Uh, aren't the larger size cans a better buy?

The little ones are cuter, dear.

"The little ones are cuter?"

About the vacation, maybe we could manage

a weekend somewhere--

Irma, how do you know what you're buying

you're not even watching.

After 20 years, Harry you don't really have to look.

You develop a sort of a sixth sense of things you need.

Hello, Bernie. How's the family?

Click click click

cha-ching

Eighty-nine dollars?!

Better take this, too, Harry.

This is as close as you'll get to catchin' a fish this year.

[snoring]

[applause]

Bang

screech

click click click

click click click

What am I gonna do?

But if I can run my business efficiently

you think that she'd be.

Hey, wait a minute. That's it.

- What's it? - I'll take over.

I'll get the house running just as efficiently as my business.

We'll cut costs in half

because a man will be doing the buying.

Oh, she won't let you take over.

Women can't live without shopping.

It's a religious experience for them.

The supermarket's a shrine. The butcher, the high priest.

It's their whole reason for existing, Harry.

You might as well cut a woman's heart out

as take away her handbag.

Ah, she'll go along after the way I'll suggest it.

It can't miss.

I have finally found the answer to financial stability.

Shake hands with Harry, the housewife.

Good morning, Harry. Sorry to bother on a Saturday.

But I need you to sign some tax forms.

No problem.

Did you tell her yet about taking over her shopping?

I'm just about to.

Would you sign these first and let me out of here?

I can't stand the sight of blood.

There'll be no trouble.

Part of being a good businessman

is being a crafty salesman.

You know something, Irma? I haven't been fair to you.

What do you mean, dear?

Well, I've been so preoccupied with my business.

I've allowed you to become a slave to this house.

Oh, it isn't that bad.

Yeah, but it's wrong. It's selfish of me.

You're entitled to more out of life.

Take a break for a week or so.

Play bridge, or-or take up tennis.

Eh, you'd look great in one of those outfits.

But who would run the house?

Since we're on vacation schedule at the plant.

- I'd probably have time. - I really couldn't.

Those little white, pleated, tennis skirts

they are attractive.

- It's all settled. - Oh but I can't.

The rug cleaners are coming today.

Oh, sweetheart, I'll take care of it.

Irma, enjoy.

Life is all too brief.

Well, if you're sure.

Let's see, if I wear a six-and-a-half shoe

what size tennis racquet should I take?

Ah, when you deal with Harry Boyle

you deal with genius.

Why do I have the feeling I got a front row seat

to a total disaster?

And you're gonna do the shopping?

We're gonna run the house on a business-like basis.

And I need you all to help with the job.

Did he say "job"?

Forgive the strong language.

If you feel faint, put your head down between your knees.

And the rug cleaners are coming.

Call up and cancel 'em Chet.

And then, go on down and rent a rug shampooer.

We'll do it ourselves and save 40 bucks.

He did say "job."

We are also going to grow our own vegetables.

Now you get the seeds, Alice. Everything we'll need.

And plant them right next to the garage.

Vegetables?

They'll be not only fresh, but free.

- Now, as for you, young man. - You mean me?

The sickly little ten year old with the weak arms

and the bad back?

And whose birthday presents may or may not show up next week?

At your service, no job too small.

Yeah well, it's an easy one.

You just turn off all the lights

and the TVs that people leave on, huh?

I get it, you're trying to head off an energy crisis.

And a financial one.

♪♪

I saw Alice digging out by the garage.

Yup, that's right.

I'm glad to see you're finally wising up

and putting in tank traps.

It'll really help when those commie armored columns

come up Elm Street.

It's gonna be a vegetable garden.

[chuckles] Vegetable garden, huh?

That's a good cover up, Harry. Good cover up.

We call our concrete bunkers Children's Daycare Centers.

Sorry, but we're not putting in concrete, just carrots.

Carrots? What good are they?

You can't stop a half-crack with carrots.

- Does Irma know about this? - She's not here.

Not here? What do you mean?

Well, she and I had a talk this morning

about running the household and I finally did

what I should've done years ago.

You mean, you struck down that little woman?

That's why you're digging a hole by the garage.

It's not the vegetable, you're planting your dearly beloved.

Ralph, if you'll just listen.

Irma is alive and well and playing tennis.

Tennis? You mean, in one of those little white outfits?

And I've taken over the shopping.

From now on, our household's gonna be run efficiently.

What are the papers for?

I'm checking to find the lowest prices on everything.

See here? Paper towels are very cheap in Pasadena.

And they got a special on Brussels sprouts out in Downie.

And in Woodland hills, ha-ha!

They're practically giving away bananas.

Hey sharp, Harry. Very sharp. El sharpo.

Well, it takes a man to figure these things out.

Hey, come with me. You'll learn just how it's done.

[melodious music]

[horn honking]

Screech

screech

Remember how Irma picked the smaller size

only because it was cute?

[chuckles] Yeah, women.

We'll do this scientifically.

Now, let's see.

Which is cheapest?

One and a half ounces for 22 cents

or two and a half ounces for 36 cents?

[Ralph] A simple arithmetic will give us the answer.

One and a half ounces for 22 cents

that makes each ounce cost uh...

...uh, uh, let me borrow your pencil.

Or we can get this four and three quarter ounce size

for 62 cents, which as anyone can easily figure out.

Can I have the pencil back?

I get the small size

if 14 and three quarter cents an ounce

and the big one comes in at 13.05 per ounce.

- You sure? - Yeah, uh, kinda.

We've come too far not to be certain.

I better check it out.

The medium size checks out at 14.444 cents an ounce...

Click click click

...and the larger just over 13 cents an ounce.

Thanks, Morris. So, if I take two of the large size

I save how much?

Almost 18 cents, huh?

Well, thanks. Bye.

Right on! Another saving.

[telephone ringing]

Hello? Oh, yes, operator?

Overtime? How much?

Oh, 20 cents.

Screech

You advertise lima beans on sale

for seven cents a pound, huh?

That's right, mister.

Well, I finally hit something.

I'll take ten pounds.

Sorry, can't accommodate you.

The old bait and switch fraud, eh?

It ain't that at all. It ain't that at all.

You see they only come in 'em there 100 pound sacks.

Our slogan is, "if you can lift 'em, you'll love 'em."

Right here, easy now.

Use the old leg muscles.

And, don't worry, I got the notebook.

Come see us again here.

One thing, grabbin' out, watch out for that great big...

Crash

...bump.

♪♪

Papa, what happened?

[Harry] A little trouble with the car.

I'm having trouble here too.

The ground's awfully hard.

Well, you just have to go at it.

Well at least now you got your sprinklers.

So, we just fill it with soap, and turn on the switch.

Hey, what happened? You better turn it off.

I-can't-find-the-switch.

You alright, pop?

Oh! It's my back.

This brace will ease your back, Mr. Boyle.

And it would help if you lost some weight.

The rug cleaning men are here, pop.

They say it'll be an extra 30 bucks

because they have to clean up our mess first.

That'll take care of my weight problem, doc.

We'll be too broke to buy groceries.

And the plumber wants to go down in the cellar.

He has to connect the new water pipe for the backyard.

[Harry] It's that door right behind you.

crash

Don't move, I'll be right down.

Well, it looks like you're in for a lawsuit.

Why couldn't he see the stairs?

I keep a light burning there all the time.

Not now, pop. Remember?

You told me to turn them all off.

You had quite a day, Harry.

You saved $3.40 on groceries

and you're ahead a 100 pounds on lima beans.

Ah, that's not bad.

Against which you spent a dollar on phone calls

nine dollars on gasoline...

...plus these bills from the tow truck, the garage

the carpet cleaners, the plumber and the doctor.

Total, $231.

What?!

With the lawyer still to come.

I hate to say this to a genius, Harry, but I'm afraid you can't

afford to run this house on a business-like basis.

- Tennis, anyone? - Hi, Irma. How'd it go?

Not bad.

I was able to hit the ball into the net almost every time.

Gee, the place looks so nice.

You cleaned the rug beautifully.

And I see you watered the backyard.

- He sure did. - And got all the shopping done.

Well, when you're organized.

Tell me about the tennis.

Oh, it was great.

No, to tell the truth I didn't enjoy it.

I'd much rather be here running the house.

But obviously, you're doing a much better job.

Irma, to really tell the truth

I-I botched up everything.

So, you'll be doing all of us, and especially me

a great favor if you take over again.

Buy the cute little can, shop with your eyes closed.

Do it all, all by feeling.

And you'll still be doing far better

than your lunkhead husband ever could.

Oh, Harry, you mean it?

But honey, now you have time off

what will you be doing?

[chuckles] Maybe I'll take up tennis. Who knows?

I might look like a dreamboat too

in one of those little white outfits.

[both laughing]

You can sit outside, dear.

The sun will be good for your back.

[horn honking]

Oh, look! It's your Aunt Martha and Uncle Spiro.

I thought you said he was dead.

I must've mixed him up with another uncle.

Hey, it's a good thing you bought those Greek olives.

I also picked up some goat cheese this morning.

Well, how could you know?

I just had the feeling Harry. I just had the feeling.

♪♪

[music fades]