Original subtitles

Wait a minute.

I know how papa can get a good secretary

till Betsy comes back.

- Who is she? - A wonderful person.

- Miss Turner. - Miss Turner?

Who's Miss Turner? Do I know her?

You should. You've been living with her.

Irma!

- Papa! - Papa!

[Irma] It's alright, children.

Dear, don't you remember Miss Turner?

It's me. That's my maiden name.

Irma, don't do things like that to me.

Not in my condition.

But what about the idea?

I can be your secretary.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait 'til your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait 'til your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait 'til your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait 'til your father gets home... ♪

[Alice] You see what I mean.

♪ Wait 'til your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

Which one should I wear, Harry?

The white boucle with the bay shoe

and the alligator bag

or the red linen with tanned pumps and a matching purse.

What difference is it make?

Okay, the red. Wear the red.

[Irma] But the red's a little tight

and the zipper doesn't close all the way.

Then wear the white.

I hate the white.

Besides, it's a wedding.

The bride will be wearing white.

No one will confuse you.

It's childish of you to be so grumpy, Harry.

Betsy has been a loyal secretary

and she has a right to get married.

Not in the middle of my selling season.

- She's in love. - I'm in business.

A costumer leaves me, I don't get alimony.

You can manage without a secretary for a little while.

[Harry] But Betsy knows where everything is.

I really need her.

Especially now when I'm trying to sell

Brisbane a $10,000 order.

Well, I think you oughta consider her feelings.

- Be fair. - What's fair?

I've never had a $10,000 order

and she's already had two marriages.

All the more reason.

She deserves a chance for happiness, Harry.

And a four week honeymoon no less.

Why can't she work 9:00 to 5:00 and honeymoon after hours?

Well, well, well, don't we look fancy?

- Going out? - Yes, to a wedding.

[Ralph] 'Must be a pretty special weddin"

to miss that John Wayne flick on TV.

Ol' duke wipes out a whole Indian tribe

on Channel eight. Great family entertainment.

It is special.

Betsy's getting married.

This is a bad break for you, isn't it?

Losing your secretary in the middle of your sellin' season.

Well, her happiness is more important.

Can't you understand that, Ralph?

Hey, wait. Don't get me wrong.

I'm all for some of the minorities bein' happy too.

[Irma] That was a very nice thing for you to say, dear.

[Harry] I'm not really sure I meant it.

But there's something about Ralph

that brings out the best in you.

[bridal march music]

[whispering] Betsy.

Over here.

Where'd you keep the files on the Brisbane accounts?

You can't talk business at a time like this.

She's still on the payroll till Thursday.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today

to join together this man and this women

in holy matrimony.

This part always makes me cry.

This time, I may join ya.

If anyone knows a reason why these two should not be joined.

A reason? I've got ten thousand of 'em.

[priest] Let them speak now or forever hold his peace.

And so by the authority vested in me

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Well, I had my chance, and I blew it.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

Best of luck to both of you.

Yes, congratulations.

[Harry] You're getting a great girl.

I know it.

By the way, Betsy, where do you keep the accounts receivable?

Harry!

Harry, not so fast.

Oh, sorry. Oh, it's you.

Where do you keep the overdue accounts?

I'll lead.

Good luck!

Where did you say the Brisbane files were?

It's in the drawer of my desk.

[Harry] The tax reports.

I have to know where the tax reports are.

What's the matter, Harry?

Wouldn't they take you with them?

Oh, believe me, Mr. Brisbane, we're known for our efficiency.

Uh, would you hold on, please?

What do you mean you can't find the supplies? Hold on.

Just one big happy family here, Mr. Brisbane. Ha ha ha!

Next Tuesday? Yeah, well, it's a date. Goodbye.

- Come in. - Garrett Jane.

Typist, stenographer and secretary.

The agency sent me.

[Harry] 'Oh... uh, yes, Miss uh, Jane--

Garret. And it's Mizz.

Of course. I suppose they told you it's just for a few weeks.

I've been briefed.

Boy, it's dreary. But we've seen worst.

I'll need a bigger desk, of course.

This is my office. You sit outside.

And your main duties--

How many females do you employ?

Well, we have mostly men. It's heavy work.

Women are strong as well as capable.

I'll have to report this.

[Jane] I also need a new typewriter

another chair exactly 19 inches high

another blotter, and another carpet.

There's one more thing you'll need.

- What's that? - Another job.

How many words per minute do you type?

- Ninety. - How many men work here?

Eleven. How's your shorthand?

A hundred twenty words per minute.

- Uh, how many are married? - All of them.

Well, your statistics sound good.

Well, yours don't.

You wanted a part-time girl?

Uh, not part-time, full-time. But only for a few weeks.

Place going out of business, huh? Well, it figures.

- Is this the little women? - Yes, it is.

Well, if that's your taste, I guess I'll be safe.

I get two hundred clams a week.

Come in at 10:00, leave at 4:00.

Coffee breaks at 11:00, 2:00 and 3:00.

How's you typing and shorthand?

What is this? The third degree?

Well, I-I'd like to know a little bit

about your experience.

Experience? Chubby, I've got plenty.

[phone rings]

I'll take it.

Start talking, it's your nickel.

Who? Brisbane? Hang in there.

I'll see if he wants to talk to you.

You'll see if he wants to talk to me?

Hello, Mr. Brisbane.

Oh, that was just one of our big happy family having fun.

Ha-ha-ha!

- Now, out. - Touchy, touchy.

I don't understand it, Irma.

In the old days, we were grateful to get a job.

Now, the workers interview the boss.

That's the way it should be.

The workers have been exploited long enough.

Right on!

Right on? How could anyone exploit you?

You don't work.

Why does my being unemployed disturb you so?

[Harry] It's not you're being unemployed.

What worries me is, that you don't have

a line of work to be out off.

That's not fair, Harry.

[Harry] I'm sorry, kids, I guess I'm a little edgy.

If I don't land that Brisbane account, we're in trouble.

Wait a minute.

I know how papa can get a good secretary

till Betsy comes back.

- Who is she? - A wonderful person.

Miss Turner.

[Harry] Miss Turner?

Who's Miss Turner? Do I know her?

You should. You've been living with her.

Irma!

- Papa! - Papa!

It's alright, children.

Dear, don't you remember Miss Turner?

It's me. That's my maiden name.

Irma, don't do things like that to me.

Not at my condition.

But what about the idea?

I can be your secretary.

I used to be a very good one.

Hmm. Thanks, honey.

But that was 22 years and three kids ago.

Richard Nixon made a comeback.

I think it's a groovy idea.

[Jamie] Yeah, we can eat out all the time.

Darling, it's a wonderful gesture, but it wouldn't work.

You been away from it too long.

Well, I'm off to bed.

Alice, where's your typewriter?

I've got a little brushing up to do.

[crickets chirping]

Tat tat tat

"Now is the tume for all glad parties'

to crade to the mon of their plick flung."

Good coffee this morning, Irma. Could I have another cup?

Huh, what? Oh coffee. Sure, dear.

- There you go. - Thanks.

[knock on door]

- Can I come in, Harry? - Do I have a choice?

We are on to something big.

Big, big, el-big-o!

The Ruskis have set up a secret communication center

right here in this neighborhood.

Well, it figures, Ralph.

[Ralph] Don't scoff. We have proof.

Our vigilante patrol last night

heard a teletype working at 3:00 a.m. in the morning.

And we found some of their copy.

- What makes you think that it-- - Just listen.

"Now is the tume for all gad parties."

Got that? Parties.

"To pray to the mon of their plick clunk.

- Plick clunk? - Flick flunk.

[Ralph] Right, flick clunk.

if that isn't Russian, I'll eat my helmet.

You do that, Ralph. I got to get down to the office.

If I still have one.

- Bye-bye, honey. - Flick-flunk.

Any luck finding a secretary today, dear?

Yeah, and it was all terrible.

Good! I-I mean, too bad.

But at least I got the phone taken care off.

I bought one of those electronic answering gadgets.

Here, listen.

[answering machine] Hello, this is Harry Boyle.

I'm not at the office right now

but if you leave a message,' leave a message

leave a message leave a message

leave a message.

Doesn't anything work right?

Machines can't replace people, Harry.

[Harry] Irma, I really appreciate what you're trying to do

but I simply don't believe in wives working for husbands.

Typical male chauvinism.

- Too bad, mom. - I'm not giving up.

That poor man desperately needs help at the office.

But you heard him, he's dead set against

having a wife working for him.

But suppose I applied for the job

and I wasn't his wife.

- Bye, honey. - Have a nice day.

- Fat chance. - Cheer up, dear.

I have a hunch

that you just might find your secretary today.

That dress makes you look ten pounds heavier.

I don't care.

Just as long as your father doesn't recognize me.

Now, remember your promise, children.

My identity must remain a secret.

No problem. You think I'd admit to anyone

that this is my mother?

[Irma] Oh, I'll need a name.

How about Valicia Lofler?

But I don't look like a Valicia.

Then how about Mary Jane Weirdo?

I'll think of something.

Well, wish me luck.

Can't miss, mom.

Wait, and if you don't get the job

'you can always be a contestant on "Let's Make A Deal."

And You say you've had secretarial experience, Miss--

Jones. Mary Jones. Yes, I have.

- You always talk so quietly? - I've caught a cold.

Uh-huh. Look, about the job...

What's the matter?

Umm, I don't want you to touch it.

Miss Jones, I level with you.

What we don't have here is piped in music

single men, long lunch hours, picnics and hay rides.

What we do have, is a battered desk

a full day and hard work.

That's fine by me.

You probably have other interviews to go, so.

What did you say?

[Jones] I said, it was fine by me.

I like to work hard and help out.

So consider yourself hired.

We'll see how it goes.

[phone rings]

Hello. Come on now, Robins.

How many times do I tell ya?

I simply do not wanna do business with ya.

I'll show you around. First, I'll call my wife.

I'll wait outside.

- Oh, stay here, it's okay. - Oh!

Hello, Irma?

No, it-it's me, pop.

Mama, uh, should be back any minute.

Uh, I'll have her call. Right.

Uh, bye.

That's strange. She's usually home.

I'll, uh, straighten out my desk, Mr. Boyle.

tring tring

Mr. Boyle, it's your wife on two.

Well, that was quick.

Hi, honey. Guess what?

I think I got a secretary.

Wonderful! See? My hunch was right.

Sure was.

Oh, I'll home a little late tonight.

I have an appointment way out in the Styx.

And say, good thing I called.

I don't have the address here.

I scribbled it on the cover

of the phone book there at home.

- Would you read it to me? - Read it to you?

Yeah, it's on the cover of the phone book.

I, umm, don't have my glasses.

Well, you get 'me. I'll wait.

[Irma] It wouldn't help. I just remembered, the dog ate it.

The dog ate the phone book?

[Irma] Um, well, what I mean is, he chewed up the cover

where the address was.

There must have been something sweet in the ink.

Well, alright. I guess I can dig it up here.

What's the new girl like, dear?

Seems pleasant. But judge for yourself.

I'll put her on. Pick up on two, Miss Jones.

My wife would like to say hello.

Mrs. Boyle.

- Yes. - This is Mary Jones.

Hi, I'm Mr. Warren. I've come to pick up the answering--

How do you do?

I'm fine, thank you, Mrs. Boyle.

I hope you like your work there, Mary.

I'm sure I will, Mrs. Boyle.

We are all one family. You can call me Irma.

Thank you, Irma.

Well, good luck, Mary.

It's certainly has been nice talking to you.

I won't be back the rest of the day, Miss Jones.

Oh! I have plenty to keep me busy, Mr. Boyle.

There's just one thing. if that deadbeat Robin shows up...

- ...throw him out. - You can count on me, sir.

I found a winner.

Screech

ls Mr. Boyle here?

I don't have an appointment, but I phoned him earlier.

Oh, yes, he told me all about you.

[chuckling] Oh, he did?

He told me throw you out if you showed up.

This firm does not do business with deadbeats.

Ther-there must be some mistake.

Out! And don't bother trying to sneak back.

- And the typing went alright? - Not bad at all.

How about the shorthand?

Well, I didn't use much of that

but I did throw a deadbeat salesman out of the office.

[Jamie] And pop still doesn't know it was you?

Not, yet.

Here he comes now.

[Irma] Oh, I can't wait. I'm going right out now

and tell him I was Mary Jones.

He'll be so pleased.

Harry, get ready for a surprise.

- I-- - I'd like to ring her neck.

- Who's? - Mary Jones.

She ruined me, wiped me out.

She threw Mr. Brisbane out of the office.

That was Brisbane?

[Harry] Because of her, I lost a $10,000 order.

Oh, let's not talk about that dumbo.

What was your surprise?

Nothing, um, nothing at all, dear.

- Did mum tell you? - Tell me what?

The big surprise that she--

Uh, that I made chocolate pudding for dessert.

Don't keep pop in suspense, mom.

Do you know what she did today?

- No. What did she do today? - Okay, tell him, mom.

[Irma] I, umm, cleaned out the whole closet.

Not that, mom. Tell pop that you were Mary--

[Irma] That's right. I was merry all day.

Just as terrible as could be.

What's goin' on?

[Irma] Go up and get into your slippers, dear.

He's had a terrible day.

Somehow his new secretary by mistake

threw out his best customer.

Wow! Let's hope he never finds out that was you, mom.

Well, that wouldn't be right Jamie.

The only honest thing is to tell him everything.

And that's just what I'm going to do.

- You are? - Absolutely.

First thing in the morning.

Hi, Irma. Oh, what a pleasant surprise.

You may not think it's so pleasant when you hear

what I have to say, and see what's in here.

[Harry] So, you brought yourself something new.

Who cares? Nothing could make me feel bad today.

- What happened? - Oh, two wonderful things.

First, that dumbbell secretary

saved me the trouble of firing her.

She never showed up. And secondly

Brisbane accepted my apology.

He's coming in to sign the contract.

Oh, that's wonderful, dear.

- Oh, when's he coming? - Any minute.

Well, umm, he won't wanna see me.

- I mean if it's business. - What's the rush?

What'd you buy? Hey, looks like a wig.

Um, it's just something I'm returning.

Well, I'll see you at home. Bye.

Oh, wait a minute, you can help me.

Make believe you're my secretary.

All you have to do is sit there.

I want him to think I'm a big operator.

Not a guy with one secretary he fired.

- But, Harry-- 'And you always wanted to be...'

[Harry] ...my secretary, here's your chance.

But I changed--

And don't let him know we are married.

And make it seem like a small potatoes outfit.

[engine revving]

That's him, sit down.

This will really make a difference.

You don't know how right you are.

Boing

Uh, good morning. my name is Brisbane.

Mr. Boyle is expecting you.

Would you come this way, please?

Well, you sure are a welcome relief

compared to that birdbrain who was here yesterday.

Thank you.

There you are. The signed contract.

Oh, I certainly appreciate it.

- One thing, your secretary-- - You mean, Miss Turner?

Your wife doesn't object you having

an attractive woman working for you?

Oh, not at all.

My wife and I have a happy marriage of complete trust.

Good. I certainly disapprove of all the office hanky-pank

you see so much of today.

Uh, not here, sir, not here.

- Goodbye, Miss Turner. - Goodbye, Mr. Brisbane.

[Brisbane] You certainly work for a fine up standing gentleman.

[Irma] I agree.

- You! - At your service.

Mary Jane Weirdo.

So that's how it all happened, dear.

I didn't know it was him.

- I came down to tell you-- - Oh, forget it, honey.

It's all over, and no harm done.

We did get the contract.

And you know, your typing wasn't really bad either.

- Then you forgive me? - Of course.

Put on the wig, I haven't kissed a blonde lately.

[chuckling] Oh.

One more thing.

[Brisbane] Mr. Boyle!

No office hanky-panks here, uh?

You homewrecker. The deal is off.

Who said it was all over, and no harm done?

♪♪

A table for five, please.

It's really nice of you to take us out to dinner, Harry.

But I know don't feel much like celebrating.

I will be okay, honey.

Look there. Mr. Brisbane.

We better go somewhere else, Harry.

No come with me. Everybody.

Mr. Brisbane.

I'd like to introduce my wife, who, when she wears the wig

is also Miss Turner.

And these are my children.

And the point being, that you have a perfect right

not to business with me.

But you have no right to accuse

this fine women as a homewrecker.

Goodnight. Goodnight, Mrs. Brisbane.

[female 1] Why'd he call me Mrs. Brisbane?

- Now, now, Lavern. - Lavern?!

Uh, yes, this-this is my new secretary.

We are here on, on business. Strictly business.

We've met. Hi, chubby.

You understand how it is, Boyle. Awkward, right?

And of course, you can go ahead

with the contract, I-I insist on it.

Come on.

How do you like that? I'm back in business.

Hey, great, pop.

Well, let's get a table.

And if he could take his secretary out to dinner...

...I can take mine.

[all laughing]

Look, Harry, we got a postcard from Betsy.

She says she'll be back to work in two weeks.

Hey, great!

Or is it? This means you maybe out of a job, Miss Turner.

[Irma] Oh, that's okay.

I'll be just as glad to get back to house work again.

Yeah, but you have been a great help.

Has my typing been alright, dear?

Expect for one thing. This order came back.

They couldn't understand what you meant when you said

"Please ship us two dozen plick-plunk."

[both laughing]

♪♪

[music fades]