Original subtitles

Good morning, family.

I would like to announce that Seemore Thigpen is a creep.

What did Seemore Pigpen do now?

Jamie Seemore's name is Thigpen, not Pigpen.

I've seen the kid and Jamie's closer.

It's what he didn't do, he didn't invite me to the dance.

Well, I'm sure one of the other boys will invite you dear.

Even if they did, I wouldn't accept.

I'm going to join women's "Live in burn my bra."

Are you gonna let her do that, pop?

Only if she starts the fire with Chet's guitar.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait 'til your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home... ♪

[Alice] You see what I mean?

♪ Wait 'til your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

Jamie, Chet, Alice, breakfast is ready.

Harry? Harry, are you coming?

[Harry] I'll be there in 30 seconds.

If I don't blow a fuse.

[razor whirring]

I'm not supposed to feed you scraps, Julius.

Papa says you're overweight.

[panting]

Now, that's all you're gonna get and don't pant in front of papa.

He might smell your breath.

Come on, kids, your mother's ready with breakfast.

[doorbell rings]

[upbeat music]

- Can I ask you a question? - Shoot.

Why are we in the closet?

Didn't wanted to take a chance in upsetting Irma and the kids.

- Ralph, what is this all about? - I think the man is outside.

What man?

The man who's been telephoning all week

wanting to make TV film of your family.

Wait a minute. I never told you about those phone calls.

I know, a little buggy told me.

- You mean birdy. - No, buggy.

- I bugged your phone. - You, what?

The vigilantes are buggin' all our neighbors' phones.

This is a public service.

We keep all your conversations on cassettes

in case you ever have to clear yourself with the FBI.

[doorbell rings]

Don't let him in, Harry.

He's a Chinese spy trying to put a camera here.

To film what's going on next door at my house.

And what is going on at your house?

Wouldn't you like to know?

This guy is not a spy.

Okay, talk to him. I'll stay undercover and listen from here.

Hi, I'm Dave Bowers.

I called you about shooting our TV film here.

Oh, yes, yes, come on in.

Uh look, Mr. Bowers, I'm not sure I want a documentary film

made of my family.

I assure you we're not going to intrude on your privacy and...

[chuckles] I think you'll find this could be meaningful to your family.

- Stick by your guns, Harry. - Uh, who is he?

The spy who came in out of the closet.

Never mind who I am, who are you?

- This is Dave Bowers. - I'll be the judge of that.

- Pay no attention to him. - Repeat after me.

Lady luck loves lilies and lilacs.

Ralph!

They have troubles with their L's.

You know flied lice.

[Irma] Harry, breakfast!

Look, please don't say anything about this TV film

to my wife until I make up my mind, eh?

This is the bird to watch.

Me, I locked it all up.

And threw away the key.

Oh I didn't know anybody was, um.

Are you here about our membership application

to the country club?

No, no, he's here about the TV film.

- Ralph! - TV film?

Who said TV film?

- Irma, this is Dave Bowers. - How do you do?

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Probably on television.

You didn't throw that key very far.

Are you from the Country Club?

[chuckling] Well--

You might as well know, Irma.

Mr. Bowers is a TV producer.

He wants to make a documentary film about our family.

Boy, you sure crack quick, Harry.

How exciting.

I never met a TV producer before.

[Ralph] He's only that day time, night time, he's Chinese.

But why would you want to use our family?

Well, our computer selected you

as a very representative family unit.

[chuckling] That's why we'd like to come in here.

Plus, the fact, it's a straight missile shot from the piano here

right to the oil refinery.

Ralph, excuse us. This is kind of a family matter.

Okay, but if he tries anything and you need me

just make a little signal.

Like setting the house on fire.

You'd really bring in cameras and we'd all be on TV?

All the details are here in a letter

of agreement for you to sign.

I really don't think that we--

Uh, could Mr. Boyle and I talk it over a while

and let you know tomorrow?

[chuckling] Of course.

- But, I've already made up-- - That's just what we'll do.

[Irma] And thank you, Mr. Bowers.

Irma, my mind is made up.

We'll talk about it after breakfast, dear. Come on.

On one condition, not one word of this

to the rest of our representative family.

Did I tell you about our new trio?

We call ourselves "The Mournful Dead."

Couldn't you find a more cheerful name?

But that expresses our feelings about life.

We're gonna have our pictures taken out of the cemetery.

Pole vaulting over tombstones on those long digging shovels.

[whispering] And you wonder why I don't want my family on television?

Play something for us, Chet. I'll plug in your guitar.

Hold it! You're not gonna play that thing

where there's open food.

Now, there's nothing to be ashamed of, Harry.

We have a nice-mannered, fine-looking family.

[yawning]

You were saying?

Good morning, family, I would like to announce

that Seemore Thigpen is a creep.

What did Seemore Pigpen do now?

I've seen the kid and Jamie's closer.

It's what he didn't do. He didn't invite me to the dance.

Well, I'm sure one of the other boys will invite you, dear.

Even if they did, I wouldn't accept.

I'm going to join "Women's live-in burn my bra."

Are you gonna let her do that, pop?

Only if she starts the fire with Chet's guitar.

- Ha-ha, that's a good one. - Oh, shut up.

What're you picking on him for?

Oh, what's it to you?

- I don't have to stay here. - Hey, you spilt my milk.

[Alice] I did not.

[Jamie] Alice loves Pigpen, Pigpen, Pigpen, Pigpen.

[Alice] Stop that! Make him stop, papa.

How could I even have considered letting this family

be seen on television.

Yeah, I'll tell Bowers to forget it.

Well, better get to work.

I'm meeting my accountant this morning.

And I have to clean the house.

The Bridge Club girls are here today.

Hey, you better not say anything to them about the TV offer.

Oh, I sure won't. I'd be too embarrassed to explain

why we had to turn it down.

Right.

The only TV show this group should be on

is Greatest Fights of the Century.

- I doubt, and I open a club. - Pass.

A diamond.

Speaking of which, you know my daughter Shirley who's engaged.

Well, did I tell you the boy's father is giving them

a brand new house as a wedding present.

I believe you did mention it.

Could I review the bidding?

[Irma] I opened with a club.

Which reminds me, George and I have been invited

to join the Los Amigos Country Club.

Oh, how nice, they-they are very exclusive.

Did you and Harry ever hear about your application?

Well, he probably has. I really haven't been that interested.

[chuckles softly] Of course.

Oh, it's so hard to concentrate on cards.

All I can think of is next week, when Stanley and I

go to Acapulco on our second honeymoon.

It sounds wonderful!

We're thinking of having the upstairs hall wallpapered.

How nice.

You see, we wanted everything to look nice here for the TV film.

- A TV film? Here? - What kind of film?

One of those family documentaries.

Of course, it isn't absolutely certain.

Well, when did this happen? And how terribly exciting.

Why didn't you tell us?

The producer was here just this morning.

He insists we'd be absolutely perfect for it.

Tring

Hello. Oh, hi, Irma.

Harry, have you spoken to the TV man yet?

No but don't worry.

There's not a chance he'll talk me into it.

Oh, but I suppose we could discuss it, huh?

You were absolutely right when you said

we shouldn't put our family on TV.

Did I say that?

Talk to you later. I'll take care of it.

The girls have all decided to come over here

and have a Bridge Club meeting while they're filming.

Won't that be something?

You mean, you're in favor of letting them film our family?

Mm-hmm. Businesswise, it would be a bonanza!

- It could double your sales. - Double?

Triple! Quadruple!

It'd be a million dollars worth of free advertising.

But our kids, they're goofy and-and they fight.

And these films are very candid.

- Quadruple sales, huh? - Easy.

Yeah, there's one tiny problem.

How do I talk my wife into it?

Confidentially, Trudy, there is a problem.

I don't know how I'm going to talk Harry into it.

- Say, Irma. - Say, Harry.

- Oh, sorry. What is it, dear? - Nothing, nothing at all.

- What were you gonna say? - Nothing important.

Can I turn on the television?

- Television? - Who said television?

Speaking of TV, did you call that Mr. Bowers yet?

No, not yet, but I will, I will.

You know, Harry, maybe, just maybe

I mean, maybe it's possible that, perhaps it might not be

totally a bad idea.

Well, Irma, if you really think that--

I only think it might be a good experience for the children.

Well, then I guess it might be alright

since, like you say, it's not for us.

It's for them.

So, that's the story.

Your mother and I have agreed to let them make this film here

because we're sure you'll all conduct yourselves properly.

It really sounds groovy.

Don't worry, papa, we'll all behave normally.

Please, not normally. What I want is properly.

I'm sure they understand, Harry.

I'll walk with you to the car.

You know what, gang?

We really should be on our best behavior.

This TV gig is obviously very important to mom and pop.

Even though of course it really doesn't mean a thing to me.

Not a thing.

[thinking] The TV camera will catch our group.

We'll become famous overnight.

There'll be concerts and gold albums.

Same here. I'll go along with it for them.

Even though it'll be nothing but a real drag for me.

[thinking] It'll be a box-office bonanza.

Tickets at two bits a piece.

You're right. Since mom and pop are so anxious to be on TV

I'll cooperate, too. Even though it is totally unappealing to me.

- May I have this dance, Alice? - Who're you?

Seemore Thigpen, don't you remember?

Sorry, but here comes my date.

Yes, of course, you may have the last tango.

Well, I guess we'll all just have to put up with it.

Even you, Julius.

I still think you shouldn't do this TV film.

Well, I think it's gonna be a lot of fun.

My accountant says it could turn out to be very profitable too.

Profitable?

Yeah Bernie's talking very big.

If you play your cards right, I'll invite you aboard my yacht.

I'd like that, Harry.

We could follow the Russian subs that are following our carriers

that are following their fishing boats

that are following our dolphins

that are following their subs.

Hey! What's going on in my house?

They're taking my sofa away.

Harry, didn't you tell me, all that talk about yachts?

The fact is, money is a little tight, right?

You can't keep up the payments, your business

is failing, you're overhead in debt.

Probably considering turning to a life of crime, weren't you?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

- It's nothing like-- - I know the temptations, Harry.

Sure, knock over an armored truck

to buy orthopedic shoes for the kids.

Don't do it, Harry, don't.

Uh, push that in back a little

so the camera can get the whole sofa in from here.

- What's going on? - Oh! Ha ha ha.

Hi, Mr. Boyle. Putting in a new sofa.

It'll look better on camera.

Uh, my brother-in-law makes 'em. It's good for his business.

[laughing] After the show, he'll give you a real knock-down price on it.

Uh, make sure the label shows, will ya?

- Is my wife around? - Uh, she went downtown.

I think your boy's in the kitchen.

We're all set for day after tomorrow, aren't we?

Oh, sure, sure. A-All set.

Jamie, do you know where-Hey, what's going on?

I'm selling tickets to our TV show.

For two bits, they can look through the window.

Fifty cents gives 'em a walk-on.

But you can't do that.

It's a real bargain. They also get cookies and milk.

And for grown-ups, there's a dollar ticket

which includes a corsage and a complimentary cocktail.

Jamie, this is our home, not the coach lounge of a 747.

Hey, here, boys, take your money back.

Sorry, no tickets, no TV.

What I mean to say is, son, that we're not in this

as a business deal.

Right, now, here you go, we'll put your pots and pans

all over the kitchen with the labels pointing

right at the camera.

Uh, look, Bernie--

Brilliant idea of yours, Harry.

Wait 'til you see the business this brings in.

You were saying, pop.

Well, this is different.

I'll never understand.

When kids do something, it's terrible.

But when grown-ups do it, it's different.

What's eating him?

He's a little troubled because I wouldn't let him

charge kids to watch the filming here.

He was selling tickets. A quarter a piece.

Including cookies and milk.

You did right to stop him, Harry.

He was underpricing.

- Yeah, right, Bernie. - Hi.

I'm sorry, young lady, but if you're looking for tickets

to the TV show, we discontinued that operation.

No money in it.

Papa, it's me, Alice. Isn't the new wig yummy?

And the dress yummy?

The question is, why are you getting yummy?

You wanna be proud of our appearance on TV, don't you?

And doesn't Julius look darling?

They gave him that ribbon at the poodle parlor.

And what was he doing at the poodle parlor

I'm afraid to ask?

We had him washed and groomed. It was only eight dollars.

Eight dollars?! I can get a whole car washed for 49 cents.

And him, they didn't even have to vacuum inside.

[snarling]

♪♪

- What were you saying, pop? - I don't know.

It was so noisy, I-I couldn't hear myself.

Come on over and meet the group.

Pop, this is the Mournful Dead.

[Harry] Your mother was wrong, the name fits perfect.

I thought we'd get up on a few numbers, so we'd be--

For your first appearance on TV.

We'll go practice in the garage.

We really wanna look good.

- Hi, everybody, I'm home. - I'm afraid to look.

What is it, Irma? A new dress, a new wig, a new everything?

- What do you mean? - Honey!

[Harry] Oh, I can't tell you how proud I am

that this thing hasn't changed you.

No, affectations, just the same sweet sensible Irma.

Come on over and sit down.

I wanna tell you what's been going on around here.

Irma? Irma, you alright? What happened?

Oh, it's nothing. Is that you, Harry?

[Harry] I'm over here. Oh, what is this?

You've been to an educational wine tasting seminar?

Didn't you notice anything different about me?

No, not a thing.

Except for the very minor point that I don't ordinarily

find you doing backflips over the furniture.

It's my eyes, I'm not wearing glasses.

I got new contact lenses.

But they must have popped out when you squeezed me.

Why contact lenses?

- I wanted to look better on TV. - Oh, of course.

All ready. Would you call the children?

Dinner time.

They came on the first call.

Um, thank you, Chet.

May I have the butter please, Chet?

Of course. Here you are, Alice.

- Thank you, Chet. - Not at all, dear Alice.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Jamie, I spilt your milk.

Perfectly alright. I shouldn't have left my glass there.

[doorbell ringing]

[Irma] I'll get it.

Irma dear, we just wanted to double check.

The TV film is day after tomorrow?

You're sure they're not doing some of it right now, dear?

I mean, you know, a hidden camera?

You're standing in front of me.

Let me over there. This is my good side.

Darling, let's face it, you have no good side.

[female 1] You should talk, you in that silicon silhouette.

You're nothing, but a stand up sand pile.

[Irma] I must remember to get Bertha to house clean, tomorrow.

And I'll have to get my hair done, too.

Honey, you better put the garbage cans in the garage

so they won't be seen.

It'll be alright, dear.

[doorbell ringing]

- Who can that be at this hour? - I know it's late.

But I did want to give you the good news

that you've been accepted for membership in the Country Club.

Say, that's great.

Here, put our club crest on your blazer, Mr. Doyle.

Uh, it's Boyle with a "B".

It'll be just the thing to wear on your TV show.

- Give it a little class. - Well, I hadn't planned--

Our new club house, you'll want to talk about it

on your interview, Mr. Hoyle.

Look, Mister--

Ashdale. Roger Ashdale. Call me Rog.

Okay, I'll call you Rog if you call me Boyle.

Now, I'll be here during the filming to coach you.

See you then. And congratulations, Mr. Bell.

That's close enough.

Oh, Harry, we heard the whole thing.

Isn't it wonderful?

No, but it was helpful.

I now realize that we shouldn't be on TV.

Why?

[Garry] The director's out to sell sofas.

The Country Club is peddling memberships.

They don't want us, just our notoriety.

Yeah, and they couldn't even get our name right.

Everything's getting twisted.

Mama's bridge club friends are now fighting.

We're sporting phony wigs and phony manners.

And I've been the worst offender.

I was exploiting my family to sell my pots and pans.

So I say let's cancel out.

- What do you say? - Okay by me.

Our trio really isn't ready yet.

And that new wig of mine was awful itchy.

So were the contact lenses.

And the tickets weren't moving anyway.

Thanks, gang.

We'll go back to our normal love and our normal squabbles.

And be just what we are.

A good ordinary family

who doesn't keep their garbage cans in the garage.

Just one thing, pop. Who's gonna break the bad news to Julius

that he's not going to get any more eight dollar haircuts?

[all laughing]

Hey, aren't you glad we cancelled the TV film, Irma?

Yes, we probably all would've been stiff

with stage fright anyway.

Not me. Cameras don't faze me at all, not one bit.

[Mr. Bowers] Hi, folks!

Mr. Bowers.

I see you use Schmackos crackers. Ha ha ha.

Well, we're doing a commercial for them.

Would you face the camera and tell us

what you like about them?

- Harry? - You alright, Mr. Boyle?

[Irma] Harry, say something. Harry?

Uh, uh, uh.

♪♪

[music fades]