Original subtitles

In today's generation we are not polarized

into boys and girls.

We are people.

Now look, I was at the hospital when you were born

and the doctor did not say to me, "congratulations

you're the father of an eight pound people."

He distinctly said "girl."

That's what you are and you should be proud of it.

I prefer to think, I'm a person.

Does this look like a person's room?

Now, look around, Alice, pink is not for people.

Daddy, all I'm saying is that the differences

don't matter anymore.

I'll believe that when I see a restroom marked

"To whom it may concern."

[theme song]

♪ I love my mum and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mum starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

[Alice] See what I mean?

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

[engine revving]

Ah, what a day.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, daddy dear. Oh, you must be so tired.

Oh, let me take that.

I'll put a pillow in your easy chair.

♪♪

Welcome home, sweetheart. I made martinis for you.

No mistake. This is my house, alright.

Okay, which one of you smashed up the car?

- Oh, Harry, ha-ha-ha. - But you couldn't have.

I've had the car.

You're overdrawn at the bank.

How much is it this time, Irma, huh?

Everything's fine, dear, we're just glad to see you.

Why are you so suspicious?

Because the last time you were this glad to see me

your mother moved in for six weeks.

Hi, gang, look what I found.

The latest album of the Funky Freaks.

A pillow? Martinis? When is grandma coming?

Chet, that's not funny.

Irma, I can't stand the suspense.

Now, why am I getting a red carpet treatment?

Oh, now I get it.

[Harry] You've been trying to tell me Alice has started smoking.

Oh, I was just lighting it for you.

[Alice] Here, sweet, lovable, understanding daddy.

[coughing]

My, doesn't that smell good.

[coughs]

- I thought you hated my pipe. - No, no, I...

[coughing]

...I lo-love it.

[coughing]

Whatever's happened it's worse than I thought.

We've got termites. You signed me up with the PTA.

Oh, come on, Harry. Nothing's wrong. Relax.

Finish up the martinis before they get cold.

- Hi, everybody, supper ready? - In a few more minutes.

We're having your favorite, roast beef.

Roast beef? What happened, mom?

- Did you smash up the car? - Of course not.

It's weird, grandma's not on her way either.

Roast beef huh, but isn't that kind of extravagant?

[Irma] Not really.

We found this very reasonable little butcher shop

near the surplus store where we got an army poncho for Alice

to take to the all-night rock concert.

Now, would you like mushroom gravy

or horseradish with your roast?

Now, hold it, hold it, what was that again?

A mushroom gravy, or horseradish?

No, no, no, before that.

Oh, you mean the surplus store? Well, it's called--

No I mean the part after the surplus store

and before the mushroom gravy.

Well, um, there's this all-night rock concert

that Alice wants to go to.

Nice try, mum, you almost slid it past him.

Irma, honey, why didn't you just come right out

and ask me if she could go?

We're adults. I'm a reasonable person.

You don't have to butter me up with all this.

I was afraid you'd say no without hearing both sides.

Honey... you know me better than that.

- Then I can go? - Absolutely not!

Oh, please, daddy, I'll be the only person in the whole world

that won't be there.

Not quite, I won't be there either.

Really, papa, everybody is going.

- Name one "everybody." - Kelly Mathews is going.

- Her father approves. - He does, are you sure?

He-he's a pretty steady character.

So before you say no, talk to him about it.

Please, papa, don't be an old stick-in-the-mud.

He's read every book written on teenage psychology.

- You might learn some facts. - There are no facts.

A teenager is just a big appetite

surrounded by contradictions.

I don't have to talk to Mr. Mathews.

So what if I'm a stick-in-the-mud.

Either we talk to Mr. Mathews after dinner

or stick-in-the-mud's what you're having for dinner.

Oh, oh, it's all here in the books.

"How To Raise A Child?" "How To Raise A Teenager?"

Mr. Mathews, the only book I want is

how to raise the roof when your daughter

wants to stay out all night.

Oh, dear me. No, dear me, no, oh, that would be wrong.

The experts say that teenagers should be given freedom

to do as they please.

Well, those experts shouldn't be given a freedom

to talk so crazy.

Oh, It's not crazy, not crazy, no.

Forty seven books are for more freedom

and only nine books are against it.

That's pretty convincing, Harry.

I bet the 47 books for freedom are all written by bachelors.

Hi, Mrs. Boyle, hi, Mr. Boyle.

- Hello, Kelly. - Oh, come on in. Come on in.

- Come on in, my dear. - I can't stay.

I just wanted to say hello.

I'm trying to clean up the kitchen and finish my homework

so I'll have time to straighten up the garage before bedtime.

I can't believe it.

That horseradish must have affected my hearing.

[Irma] You heard it right, Harry.

That's the kind of child you get by giving more freedom.

Well I still don't like the idea of Alice

going to an all-night rock concert.

I stayed out all night when you took me to the senior prom.

Well, that's different, I could be trusted.

- You could not. - You see what I mean?

[Irma] Harry, she's a sensible girl.

[Harry] Well, who's she going with?

[Irma] Well, nobody's asked her yet.

You mean, she hasn't got a date and the concert's this Sunday?

That's right.

You know, maybe we should go along with Mr. Matthews

and his liberated librarian

and give Alice more freedom, huh?

[Harry humming]

What's the trouble, dear? You seem jumpy.

Well, it always makes me nervous

when you start acting reasonable.

Harry, gotta talk to you.

It's not only important, but it's also vital.

Okay. I'll be right in, Irma.

Let me tell Alice she can go to the rock concert, okay?

Okay. Goodnight, Ralph.

You've been in old weirdo

Matthew's house haven't ya, huh?

So, what?

Those eggheads are dangerous, Harry.

He's got books in there, whole walls full of them.

And not good American paperbacks

like Mickey Spillane, uh-uh

but that liberal hardcover stuff.

Quick, sing the first four bars of "The Star-Spangled Banner."

- I can't. - Aha!

Then he did brainwash you.

Ralph, I was at the ballpark last night

and there were 20,000 other people there

who couldn't sing that song either.

It is possible to be a good American, but a lousy soprano.

But no good American would let his daughter

go to a rock concert.

Those are planned in Moscow, you know that don't you?

Oh, they're part of a commie plot, right?

[Ralph] Right, right, you're right, to starve us to death.

Rock concerts will starve us to death?

Look, they hold them out in the country

so everybody can sit in the ground, right?

That's how they're killing us, Harry.

They get thousands of kids, wriggling to music and blankets

hill by hill, it's goodbye, topsoil, hello, famine.

Ralph, I think you're losing a little of your topsoil too.

But your Alice is going to one, I heard you say so.

Wrong, I didn't say she was going, I said she could go.

Oh ha, ha, that's pretty clever, Harry.

[chuckling]

- I don't get it. - Simple.

I'll tell her she can go, that makes me a hero.

But since it's only three days away

no boy is gonna ask her this late.

So she won't go.

Problem over, and I'm still aces

for being a permissive parent.

Oh, papa, thank you.

Baby, you see, I'm not a closed-minded

old stick-in-the-mud.

I still think we should get it in writing.

I, uh, understand you don't have a date yet.

That's right.

Well, that's nothing to worry about.

I suppose there are lots of boys left

who intend to invite a girl.

This late? Hardly any.

- Maybe none at all. - Really?

Oh, what a shame.

Oh, it's no problem, no problem at all.

How could be so sure a boy will call her?

So, you only said she could go

because you were sure no one would ask her.

Well, you forgot one little thing.

I didn't forget any little thing.

But there's something fishy here.

You're putting your hair up in curlers?

Oh, that sounds groovy, Francis.

I can't hardly wait to see it.

Is Francis one of Alice's new girlfriends?

Not exactly, Francis is a boy.

A boy... a boy?

But how could he have called her so quickly?

- I didn't hear the phone ring. - It didn't, she called him.

That's the little thing you forgot.

Listen, why I called, Francis

I have two tickets to the rock concert

and I'd love to have you go with me.

Great, pick me up about 8 in your groovy van.

What is this?

Papa, you've been eavesdropping.

Eavesdropping, nothing.

I've been standing right there listening.

Alice, girls don't ask boys, boys ask girls, right, Irma?

In today's generation, we're not polarized

into boys and girls.

We are people.

Now look, I was at the hospital when you were born

and the doctor did not say to me, "Congratulations

you're the father of an eight pound people."

He distinctly said "girl."

That's what you are and you should be proud of it.

I prefer to think I'm a person.

Does this look like a person's room?

Now look around, Alice. Pink is not for people.

Daddy, all I'm saying is that the differences

don't matter anymore.

I'll believe that when I see a restroom marked

"To whom it may concern."

And girls do ask boys out and it's okay.

Ask Mr. Matthews.

Why not give him a call, Harry?

I mean whatever he's doing

you saw how it was working wonders with his daughter.

Remember, you said you weren't a closed-minded

stick-in-the-mud.

That you remember

but not when I say, "Clean your room or turn out some lights."

Ooh, the experts are in favor of it, Mr. Boyle.

Forty one to seven. Say it's quite acceptable

for girls to ask boys for dates.

What happened to the good old days when men were men

and women were women?

Someone invented slacks.

The feeling today seems to be that both girls

and boys are people.

Maybe girls are, but boys definitely are not people.

They're animals, I know, I was one.

Ooh, we've got to move with the times, Mr. Boyle.

[Harry] Well, I suppose, but thanks for your time.

What do you think, Harry?

Well, since you've already asked him, okay.

I'll go along with the experts.

Oh, thank you, father.

I'm worthy of your trust, you'll see.

I guess it's about time we became

modern permissive parents.

Who are you calling now?

Dial-a-Prayer.

Alice, when do we get to meet this boy you've asked out?

Meet him?

You know, he says, "How do you, Mr. Boyle?"

And I say, "How are you, Francis?"

- You know, meet him. - But why is that necessary?

You never ask to meet the girls Chet takes out.

Well, that's different. I'm a boy.

You're a person.

Well, the jury's still out on that.

I should be entitled to the same rights as Chet.

Okay you got 'em.

Chet doesn't ask boys, from now on you don't either.

Score. Pop, one, Alice, nothing.

You know what I mean, I just want the same standing as Chet.

I see. You want to drop out of school

and get unemployment checks.

Hey, I didn't know I could get unemployment checks.

Actually, you can't.

First, you have to find some work to be out of.

I still don't see why you insist

on approving of my friends.

Look, honey, despite all the psychology books

and modern thinking, there still is a good reason

for parents to be more protective of daughters.

That's one thing for a boy to sow his wild oats

but not a girl.

But when Chet goes out sowing

isn't somebody's daughter with him?

Sure, but that's her father's problem.

We'll get a chance to meet Francis when he picks up Alice

the night of the concert.

I'm really not too good at judging a boy's character

just by the sound of his horn honking out front.

Couldn't you ask him to come by and meet us before that?

I'd die of embarrassment.

Relax pop, I've met Francis. he's okay.

Although a little strange.

- A little strange? - Yeah. He's got a job.

Every Saturday he works at the supermarket.

That Chet, anybody gainfully employed is automatically

a creature from the black lagoon.

[telephone ringing]

If that's a girl for me, I'm not here.

It's Ralph.

You told him you were going to the hardware store.

He'd like to know if he can go with you.

Tell him only if he can sing "The Star-Spangled Banner."

Boy, girls asking boys.

That's pure pink thinkin' Harry.

- It's un-American. - How do you figure?

Don't you see? It's their opening wedge.

If they can make girls seem like boys

next they'll be making poor seem like rich

and black seem like white.

Pretty soon we're all equal and we have no democracy left.

Beautiful.

Actually Francis is probably a decent boy.

He works at the supermarket, Saturdays.

Hey, that's today.

I'll stop over there now and look him over.

I'll give you covering fire from the checkout stand.

But how will we know which kid is Francis?

Just look for the first bagboy you see

with his hair up in curlers.

So you're going to the rock concert, huh, Francis?

It'll be just the place to take Suzie.

Suzie? I thought you were going with Alice Boyle.

I am, Suzie's my camper-van I just fixed up.

Hey, that must be curly top over there.

Sounds neat, Fran.

That one's Francis, Alice's date.

Yeah, that Suzie's really something.

I really flipped from the minute I saw her.

Hear that, Suzie, he's got another girl.

What's she like?

Real great shape, built for comfort.

She'll go anywhere, anytime and economical.

I can get her totally tanked up for less than three bucks.

- I'd like to see her. - She's out in the parking lot.

She's 12 years old, but you'd never guess it.

- A tanked up 12 year old. - It's a good thing I came by.

When Alice hears about the kind of girls this kid--

- Where you going? - Parking lot.

[Ralph] I gotta see this Suzie too.

There she is. Good ol' Suzie.

Oh, he was just talking about his van, ha-ha-ha.

- Hey, how about that, huh? - I knew all the time.

Sure, sure.

Anyway, he seems like a nice enough kid.

I won't have to worry about Alice being with him.

The outside isn't much, but check this.

Stereo music, blackout curtains

and a great big, soft groovy sofa.

[boy 1] Wow!

Wow is right.

Your daughter's going out in that.

Now you see what I meant when I voted against Pussums.

♪♪

Stereo, blackout curtains and a couch?

That's what happens when you're modern

and let your daughter make dates.

She ends up with a kinky delinquent

in an upholstered truck.

But what can we do? We did promise her she could go.

So we'll unpromise her.

She'll think we don't trust her.

- Right on. - Harry.

Hey, I got it.

I'll find her another fellow.

Oh, and such a handsome, clean-cut, clean living boy.

She'll change her date herself.

I thought Pat Boone was married.

[tires screeching]

Chet, remember that friend of yours, the one who was

your senior patrol leader in the boy scouts?

- Percy Upshaw? - Is he still around?

He didn't let his hair grow long did he?

- No. He never got with it. - Great!

I'm trying to get Alice another boyfriend

so she'll forget Francis.

Do you think Percy might come over here tonight?

He doesn't go out Saturday nights.

He has to be up early Sunday, he's a priest.

Pop, I know a great date for Alice.

Jeff Roberts.

He's a real clean living square.

He's also only nine years old.

He wouldn't come up to Alice's kneecap.

She could crouch a lot.

Thanks, but I don't think Alice would want a ride

to the concert on training wheels.

Harry, you can't go fishing for boys like that.

What am I supposed to do?

Look in the Yellow Pages under good guys?

Just forget it.

Now, did you get that rake for me at the hardware store?

Oh, I never did get there.

I'll go now.

Remember, if a camper van shows up here

lock Alice in her room.

- May I help you, sir? - Yes, I was looking for a--

- Do you see anything you like? - I sure do.

[Herp] Harry Boyle!

Herp Jackson when did you move back into town?

Just last week.

- Alpha. - Beta.

[both] Epsilon, sigma, theta. Ha-ha-ha!

Hey, Jay Jay, this is Mr. Harry Boyle

my old fraternity brother.

Harry, my son Jay Jay, he works here Saturdays.

Your son? You mean, this is the son

of the president of the class of '46?

The son of the football captain?

The son of the man most likely to succeed?

Ahh, those honors are nothing compared to Jay Jay's.

Really?

Herp, can I talk to you for a minute?

Harry, no offense, but...

...I already gave to the alumni fund.

Oh, I-I don't want your money. I want your son.

It must be frightening to you, Irma

to realize that you're married to a genius.

Alice won't like you picking out her dates, Harry.

She won't even know what's going on.

Herp is sending his son over tonight to deliver a rake...

Ha, ha, ha, one I forgot to pick up.

Just one look at Jay Jay and she'll forget all about

that no-good Francis and his low led love buggy.

But can't we leave it to Alice?

She's not a little girl anymore.

Well, that's exactly my point.

Alice is at the age where the boy she meets now

just could be the person she'll spend

the rest of her life with.

Now, we can't leave an important decision like that

to a 16 year old.

But she should have something to say about it.

And I'm not sharing the family plot

with a curly-haired delinquent

who drives around in a four-wheeled flophouse.

[doorbell rings]

Now you'll see the kind of boy she should be going with.

I'm worried about this.

Honey, Alice may be hep on some things

but when it comes to picking out boys

papa knows best.

- Good evening, Mr. Boyle. - Hi, Jay.

Alice, come on down and see my new rake.

[Harry] '...and later Herpy, that's Jay Jay's father

caught the pass and we won the game.

- How nice. - Yeah.

Hey, say, it's still early.

Why don't you two kids go get a soda somewhere on me?

For old times' sake.

But Alice may have other plans.

[Harry] She doesn't, you're in luck, we all are.

Papa, I don't even know this boy.

He's not a boy, he's a person, remember?

Besides, you don't have to know him. I know his father.

Actually, I was going to go to the library tonight.

Oh, fine idea.

Alice is practically 100% bookworm.

It still looks like meddling to me.

I'm only making sure my daughter gets

a real high-class fellow.

Just like your father did when he sent you out with me.

I don't get it., I never took a date to the library.

That's because you don't even know where it is.

This doesn't sound like much of a date to me either.

She'd probably have more fun with Jeff Roberts.

Training wheels and all.

That looks like Alice coming up the walk now.

Ah, what a nice feeling to know your daughter

has spent an evening of culture and refinement.

♪♪

That's it, she ditched Jay Jay and went out with him.

When I get through with you, curly

you'll need that boudoir bus for a hearse.

No, papa, you don't understand.

Francis was the one who saved me.

Jay Jay didn't take me to the library.

He took me to the drive-in movie and it's closed tonight.

I saw them going so I followed.

That Jay Jay is bad news.

That's why his family always has to keep moving.

Come in, Francis, Alice, you go tidy up.

Harry, the kitchen.

We're not going to meddle anymore.

- Right? - Right.

[Irma] Alice can judge who to go out with.

- Right? - Right.

- It's all my fault. - No. It's my fault.

I should've known it would happen, again.

Again?

Remember, that's the way you tried to behave

when my father made me go out with you.

Shh.

Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Boyle. Oh.

I'd like you to meet my wife Sue.

How do you do?

What can I do for you? Uh, do for you?

[Harry] Well, frankly, we're confused.

We tried to follow all the advise you've given us

from your experts.

I mean, why doesn't it work with Alice

as it does with your Kelly?

What have you been telling them?

We don't raise our daughter by those silly books.

You don't?

Four eyes here just reads all that junk

but I tell Kelly what to do.

And if she doesn't do it, pow!

[laughing]

♪♪

[music fades]