Original subtitles

Who are these people?

This is my next-door neighbor Ralph.

Ralph, this is Detective Dexter.

And who's the little old man?

I happen to be a woman, and in the prime of life.

You look more like an end-cut to me.

I've got a good mind to untie your scarf

and let your whole facelift fall down to your knees.

Knock it off, Whittaker. She's a police.

And we got to respect her uniform.

[theme music]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean? ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

♪♪

[utensils rattling]

Harry. Harry, wake up.

Huh? Wha-what?

Harry, I think I hear someone downstairs.

When you're sure you hear someone, let me know.

[utensils rattling]

- Harry. - Huh?

- I'm sure. - Be relaxed, honey.

It's probably Alice raiding the refrigerator.

You know she can never make it through the night

without a poor boy sandwich break.

You're right, dear. It must be Alice. I'm sorry.

[Alice] Mama. Papa.

[Irma] Alice?

I hear someone downstairs.

Harry, Alice is up here.

[Harry] You're right, she is.

I didn't recognize her without a sandwich.

Then there must be a burglar downstairs.

Oh, it's probably Chet getting some air.

He must've had a bad dream that he found a job.

[rattling continues]

I hear someone downstairs.

Chet's here, too.

It still could be Jamie and the dog down there.

[rattling continues]

- What's that noise? - Now we're down to the dog.

It must be a burglar.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Now, how could a burglar get into the house...

...when we've got a great watchdog like Julius...

...who'd tear him to ribbons.

[whimpering]

It sure was a good idea, putting up that big sign outside

"Beware of dog."

[teeth chattering]

[Harry sighs] Too bad Julius never read it.

What're we gonna do, Harry?

Holy smokes!

I've got $1600 downstairs!

Sixteen hundred dollars?

Tomorrow's payroll for the shop.

The combination lock in the office safe is broken

so I had to bring the money home.

Harry, don't go!

Your life is worth more than money.

Not necessarily.

My life's insured, but my payroll isn't.

- Sixteen hundred dollars, gone! - Cheer up, pop.

He didn't get my hi-fi set.

Harry, he's your son.

Don't remind me. I'm miserable enough.

The whole payroll!

How'd he know I hid it in the flower vase?

Oh, it's terrible, Harry. Just terrible.

[Harry] Yeah, it certainly is.

Just awful. Look.

When he took the money out, he broke two of my plastic tulips.

There's one thing I've gotta say about this family.

When I'm sinking, they push my head all the way under water.

Why didn't you hide it in a better place?

Like in a dog basket.

[Harry] That fake dog.

He would've gift-wrapped it and delivered it to the curb.

If I might make a suggestion.

Please! No more helpful hints. I gotta figure out what to do.

I thought maybe we should call the police.

Alice, your father is trying to figure out what to do.

Of course! The police.

Why didn't you speak up sooner?

Now you children go on back to bed.

Operator, will you get the police, quick?

Precinct 40, Officer Brendon.

Can you send somebody over here right away?

I've just been robbed.

Alright, now calm down. Your name?

[Harry] Harry Boyle, 34 Elm Street.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's not our precinct.

We can't send anybody there.

If a burglar can come here, why can't you?

You want Precinct 42.

I'll give you their number. Got a pencil?

Pencils, I've got. A payroll, I haven't.

Well, it's just that most people forget when they're excited.

I'm not excited, and I won't forget.

Now what's the number? Right.

[Brendon] Well, if you forget it, call me back.

[telephone ringing]

Precinct 42, Officer Johnson.

Yeah, this is Harry Boyle, 34 Elm Street.

I've just been robbed.

Uh, sorry, you got the wrong precinct.

Elm Street's in 39.

But I just talked to an officer who told me to call 42.

[Johnson] Was the guy you talked to named Brendon?

Yeah.

[laughing] Oh, that cat.

He's always gettin' his precincts mixed up.

Here's the phone number for 39.

You got a pencil?

Uh, just give me the number.

Right.

Precinct 39, Officer Scott.

Look, I've just been robbed.

My name is Harry Boyle. 34 Elm Street.

I've got a pencil, but please don't tell me

I've got the wrong precinct.

You've got the wrong precinct.

I asked you not to tell me.

Yesterday, it was the right precinct

but we've been redistricted.

Here's the number to call.

Precinct 40, Officer Brendon.

Oh, no! This is Harry Boyle again.

A-ha! You forgot the number.

You didn't have a pencil.

I didn't forget.

I've been redistricted. I'm in your precinct.

You are? How about that!

We're always the last to know.

I'll send a detective right away.

- Thanks. - Not at all.

Welcome to the precinct. We're here to serve.

♪♪

Forty-five minutes and nobody's here yet.

We get faster service when they deliver a pizza.

Be patient, Harry. The police are very busy these days.

I read in the paper that in this city alone

there's a crime committed every 17 seconds.

Great. That means I'll get hit four more times

before the cops get here.

♪♪

[tires screeching]

♪♪

Who can that be?

Maybe it's the burglar's girlfriend

coming to pick him up.

Detective Sergeant Phyllis Dexter.

Turn around and put your hands against the wall.

Palms up, move it.

You're clean.

But you oughta do something about that rubber tire, honey.

Hey, what is all this?

Are you really with the police, and dress like that?

Who were you expecting? Columbo?

I may look a little like him, but let's not dwell on it.

[laughs]

Hey, who's this suspicious-looking broad

in the Dr. Denton bathrobe?

That's my wife. Look, I've been robbed.

You sure have, but she's probably good with the kids.

Gee, Harry, isn't this exciting?

I heard they had women on the police force now

but I never thought we'd actually meet one.

Lucky us. What're you doing?

Writing down a description of the criminal.

But you didn't even see him.

Anybody who breaks in here, thinkin' he's gonna get

anything valuable, has gotta be goin' around

with a white cane and a seeing-eye dog.

Oh, yeah? Well, he got away with 16--

And for this, they called me away

from a big bash I was at in Bell Canyon.

I've heard about those Bell Canyon parties.

Look, about the robbery--

It was a wild scene.

They had the swimming pool filled with champagne

and we all jumped in.

[laughs]

Oh, you haven't lived until you've gotten bubbles

in your surgical stocking.

[laughs] Oh, what a groovy feeling!

Can we get on with this?

The crook stole $1,600 from this vase.

[Phyllis] Big deal.

And ruined two of my plastic tulips.

With that, he went too far.

But I know a great little store where you can replace them.

- I'll write down the address. - Oh, would you?

- Aren't we lucky getting her? - Hmm, neat job.

Harry, I'm certainly glad I washed the windows this morning.

You never know when you're gonna have company.

Any idea who did it?

Let's see, I could dust for fingerprints.

You don't have to, I already dusted.

Ah-ha! The pieces are beginning to fit.

- I know who did it. - You do? Who?

Snap

You're under arrest for robbery.

Oh, come on. Not me again.

The oldest gimmick in the books.

You make it look like an outside job

then you put in a $1,600 claim to the insurance company.

Why did you do it, Harry? Why?

If you needed the money, you could've come to me.

I have $20 in the spice rack.

And if things are bad, I can always do sowing.

And Chet could sell his motorcycle.

Irma, I don't know who's nuttier.

You or Gypsy Rose Fuzz here.

The money was not insured.

Oh, that's right.

Spoilsport, just when I had it wrapped up

you had to open your big mouth.

We'll pick this up tomorrow when I'm fresh.

Tomorrow?

I wanna get back to that bash in Bell Canyon

before they drink up the swimming pool. Ha ha ha.

They might refill it with muscatel.

And that stuff always takes the bleach out of my hair.

See you in the morning.

Have this full of Bloody Marys for me, will ya?

I always have trouble getting my heart started before noon.

She's a remarkable woman.

We sure are lucky having her help us.

You keep saying that. Why don't I feel it?

Sorry I can't drive you to work

but I have to wait for this lady detective.

Lady detective. Hmph.

It's a disgrace, Harry. A disgrace.

Now I know why Jack Webb retired from the force.

Jack Webb wasn't a real detective.

Are you kidding?

Every time he said, "My name is Friday, I'm a cop."

I stood at attention and held my hand over my heart.

[car revving]

[upbeat music]

[tires screeching]

You can skip the Bloody Marys. I couldn't wait.

So I poured some Vodka over my cornflakes.

Who are these people?

This is my next-door neighbor, Ralph.

Ralph, this is Detective Dexter.

And who's the little old man?

I happen to be a woman, and in the prime of life.

You look more like an end-cut to me.

I've got a good mind to untie your scarf

and let your whole facelift fall down to your knees.

Knock it off, Whittaker. She's a police.

And we got to respect her uniform.

- Shall we go in the house? - Just a minute.

Where were you after midnight last night?

Well, don't tell me you suspect him. Ha!

Well, he's been my neighbor for years.

I've seen you somewhere, needlenose.

But I wasn't here last night.

I was leading my vigilantes to bust up an orgy in Bell Canyon.

That's where I saw him. Just when I had a good-looking guy

cornered on a diving board, this dumbo comes yelling

through the bushes.

I fell right off into the muscatel.

And look what it did to my hair.

Well, anyway, he has a perfect alibi.

All the more suspicious.

No tricky moves, Tarzan. I wanna search your premises.

Oh, come on. Ralph can't be the burglar.

Can he?

No. I just don't believe he's the burglar.

If there's anything suspicious in this place, it's him.

Let's take a look.

[band music]

♪♪

Look, I know what you're thinking but--

So I was wrong. Nothing suspicious in there.

[car revving]

Where're we going now?

To check out the Mormon Tabernacle Choir?

No, we're going to your office.

How come?

I figure it's an inside job.

Someone who works for you has to know your combination lock

was broken and that you took the money home.

[whirring]

It can't be any of my employees.

I trust every one of 'em.

In my profession, I've learnt not to trust anyone.

Even my own mother.

I visit her once in a while at the Honor farm.

But I don't trust her.

[car revving]

[tires screeching]

Nice ride. What do you use?

Low lead rocket fuel?

I always drive fast. It prevents accidents.

- Prevents accidents? - Right.

If I stay at a 100 miles an hour

then the only one who can ever rear-end me is Andy Granatelli.

[laughs]

Okay, fella, freeze! The case is solved.

- There's your thief. - Wait a minute.

[Phyllis] Get up, put your hands behind your head and turn around.

Mr. Boyle, I'm ashamed of you.

Accusing an innocent, adorable creature like him.

Feel that arm.

A thief? With that bone structure?

Ridiculous.

Relax, gumdrops, we'll fight this thing together.

But you said he was the thief.

I was trying to tell you that he repairs my safe.

Is that gun real?

Sure. But not to worry.

click

Dual purpose. Very handy.

You can use it not only in a shootout

but also to find your shoes in a dark movie.

[laughs]

Speaking of which, you know any good drive-in?

[sucks teeth]

Will you let him get back to work?

If you'd finished when you were here yesterday

I wouldn't have been robbed last night.

- It's all done. - I just remembered.

My safe at home needs fixing.

Do you make house calls?

Here's my address. Get there about five.

We'll have drinky poos while finding out my combination.

And if you show up on time, I validate parking.

Miss Dexter, I hate being a party pooper

but don't you think you oughta get back to my case?

- What case? - My $1600!

Oh, yes. We still have a few loose ones, don't we?

I know you've got a few loose ones.

Very well, I want the records of all your employees.

Betsy, will you bring in our personnel files, please?

Female secretary, huh?

That wraps it all up.

- She's the burglar. - Betsy?

She's blonde, beautiful, but young and foolish.

I'll bet your little Betsy, the blonde bombshell

is all packed and her lover waitin' for her

at the airport right now.

Here're the files, Mr. Boyle.

This is Betsy?

Otherwise known as the blonde bombshell.

My faithful employee for 17 years.

What's this all about?

It's nothing. Nothing at all.

Mr. Cohan has been my driver for 15 years.

Where'd you stash the loot?

[coughing]

Stop it, please, uh? I don't smoke.

You don't, huh? Then where'd you get that cigarette cough?

Did you pull off this job? Come on. Talk.

[coughing] How can I talk when I'm too busy coughing?

Where were you last night?

Well, I was home watching the late movie.

What was it about?

Well, Humphrey Bogart was a private detective

hired to find the Maltese Falcon

which was covered with fabulous jewels.

Really? What happened then?

[laughing] Sydney Greenstreet was after it too.

And so was Peter Lorre, and he kept laughing.

Hold it! Let me get some popcorn.

I'll enjoy the movie more.

[Harry] You wanna stake out my house?

Right. Just spread the word around your place

that you're getting fresh payroll money

and that you'll be keeping it in your house again tonight.

You expect the thief to come back again?

Exactly.

But this time, we'll be waiting for him.

[laughs]

I still say, it's none of my employees.

You're on the wrong track.

Trust me. Have I made any mistakes so far?

Yeah. Showing up.

Funny.

[laughs]

You're cute.

Oh, why did you insist on coming here?

It's the second time this week I've been robbed.

It's only money, honey. And add a 40% tip.

I have my standards to maintain.

Oh, Antoine. I'll have a six-pack of champagne to go.

Why don't we leave the door open for the thief?

We just had the window fixed.

It's silly to have to pay for it again.

Uh, that's not the way it works, Irma.

Can I invite my friends over?

I'd bet they' show up 50 cents a piece

to be in on a real bust.

Sorry, Jamie, no audience.

This is a non-profit stake out.

This whole thing is really wild.

Anything that crazy lady detective does is wild.

Papa, you're showing your male chauvinist prejudices

by calling her crazy.

You resent the fact that she's a woman doing a man's job.

No. I resent the fact that she's crazy and not doing the job.

[car revving]

Here she is, now. I want everybody upstairs.

Down here it could get dangerous.

Somebody go up and help the dog.

He's probably packing a suitcase.

♪♪

Sure you won't join me on a martini?

A night in a closet can get pretty draggy after a while.

- No thanks. - Okay.

Mmm.

This olive is a little crunchy. Ha ha ha.

You just ate a mothball.

[screeching]

Let's get him!

Do I have time for another martini?

I'm beginning to love those mothballs.

[Phyllis] I gotta see him, Mr. Boyle! Turn on the lights.

[Harry] I can't. I'm the one you got pinned.

Phyllis Dexter scores again.

This dirty rat will do ten years for this.

On your feet, buster.

It's the one who repaired my safe.

Oh, great! I give him business and he gives me the business.

You want me to call a paddy wagon?

Come on, now. You're not gonna make a fuss

just because a man robbed your house.

I'm sure he has a very good explanation.

Don't you, honey?

You might as well know, I'm a professional thief.

You see? He's a working man. He's got an occupation.

I'll call the police myself.

Okay, troublemaker, I'll take him in.

Tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning?

First I'll take him to my place and hug him.

And kiss him and squeeze him.

I know you don't approve but--

Oh, but I do. Absolutely. It's a great idea.

He's all yours till morning.

You have a very tender streak.

No, I have a very cruel streak.

Sorry, pal, but I cannot think of a better way to prove to you

that crime does not pay.

I think that woman detective was marvelous, Harry.

Because of her you got your $1600 back.

Because of her I also got my ulcers back too.

Bad news. Another rip-off.

Somebody swiped the wheels off my motorcycle.

What is this? National Rob The Boyle Family Week?

You better call the police.

But be sure you have a pencil. They're very fussy.

I already called. They said they'd send a detective.

Good.

[car revving]

[tires screeching]

[Irma] It's her, Harry.

Harry?

Move over, Julius. I'm hiding out with you.

[theme music]