Original subtitles

Do you mean he got his hostility from my husband?

It's possible.

Oh my goodness! I've been exposed to it too.

I might have it.

As a matter of fact--

Honey, will you let the doctor talk?

This is thirty dollars an hour.

You I can hear at home for free.

You see, Jamie is your youngest child, the last.

And this is where the trouble starts.

So if we had another baby,

Jamie wouldn't be last and be normal.

You're asking too much of me, Harry.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home... ♪

[Alice] See what I mean?

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

♪♪

[engine whirring]

[Ralph] It's serious, Harry.

This cat burglar has robbed a dozen houses around here.

He's taken everything you can imagine.

Well, I'm not worried.

I don't have anything worth taking.

Think about your wife.

You mean he's taking wives too?

Here comes your father now.

When he hears you were in a fistfight at school today

he's going to be very upset.

[Jamie] I got an idea.

We don't wanna upset him. Let's not tell him.

He's bound to find out.

How? Not from me.

I can keep a secret.

For one thing, it's all in this note from your teacher.

You could burn it, that's what a good wife would do.

[Irma] One thing I will suggest.

Go up to your room until after your father calms down.

Good thinking.

Now don't get violent, Harry.

Don't be aggravated. And try to be calm.

It's not good for you to get so excited.

What's for dinner?

You mean you're not angry?

Harry, you're going to drink at a time like this?

I think it's best.

I can always tell my conscience I beat him in a drunken rage.

[Irma] Don't be ridiculous Harry.

You are not gonna touch Jamie.

This calls for reasoning.

[Harry] Reasoning?

When I got in fights at school.

My father gave me a few whack with a hairbrush.

Spanking is old-fashioned.

[Harry] It also seems to work.

It creates hostility.

Oh, baloney, I always got along great with my dad.

And he had a swing on him like Arnold Palmer.

Harry, I know we must maintain discipline

but we also must keep his love at the same time.

Fine, you kiss him.

And while you're kissing I'll sneak up on his blind side

with a hairbrush.

I want to tell you something.

I wish you'd put down that martini.

Alright.

[gulps] It's down.

I talked to Jamie's teacher.

She wants to have a conference with us tomorrow morning.

Irma, you know I love that little guy.

If there were a better way out, I'd take it.

What we'll do is go see his teacher tomorrow morning.

There are better ways to handle this, you'll see.

So I believe Jamie's actions could come from his home life.

Don't you see that?

No, I don't.

He didn't get the idea from me.

In 20 years of marriage

I've never punched my wife in the nose.

- Uh Mr. Boyle, I didn't-- - Look at her.

See? Not a scratch.

I only meant Jamie's outburst

indicates something deep rooted.

Something he's held back.

The only thing he held back was his left hook

or he wouldn't have gotten that shiner.

Harry, please.

Miss Springle is only trying to help.

If Jamie was in the wrong he should be punished.

Kids need a firm hand. Applied to the right spot.

Thanks for your interest.

Just leave it to me, I'll take care of it.

Come on, Irma, I've gotta get to work.

Mr. Boyle, sometimes an outsider can be more objective.

Jamie may have started a behavior pattern

that'll be with him all his life.

If that's true, he'd better have help.

If that's true he'd better have boxing lessons.

Then what do you suggest, Miss Springle?

My last word is, I believe the boy should be taken

to a child psychologist.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

Harry, Barbara Linn told me she knows a great psychologist.

[Harry] Then why doesn't she go?

This is a child psychologist.

Perfect. She's got the mind of a ten year old.

[Irma] Barbara is a very bright woman who has learned a lot

from having two sons at a correctional school.

That's a great recommendation.

[Irma] The doctor has written a best selling book.

It's called, "Everything you want to know about your child

but are too terrified to find out."

Irma, I'm very busy. We'll talk it over tonight.

I'll keep an open mind and hear everything you have to say.

Before we decide against it.

You're doing the right thing, Harry.

Them head doctors are no good.

Now take the name, "Psychologist."

Psycho, meaning crazy.

- What's the rest of it mean? - Stay away from doctors.

I heard that communists secretly contributed money

to all the med schools to turn out these here psychiatrists.

Why?

Part of their world conquest scheme.

They'd like to see a psychiatrist set up an office

with a couch on every corner.

And every American going to one.

Then the ruskies will just walk in and take over the country

while we're all lying down.

[car honking]

Irma, I'm home.

[Irma] Come in the kitchen, dear.

Honey, about taking Jamie to that psy...

- What's this? - A dish pan.

I know but...

[Irma] And what's that?

[Harry] Uh, automatic dishwasher.

And which would you rather use to clean dishes?

With the automa... Irma, what is this?

Now you understand why Jamie should go to the psychologist.

I'm not sure about Jamie but right now I think

I might go through a few red lights taking you.

I'm just showing you.

That is what we used 20 years ago.

This is what we use today.

Likewise... that is what we used on children 20 years ago.

But this is what we use today.

Child psychology, Harry.

Irma, you've been watching too many commercials.

I'm serious, dear.

I really think we need professional advice.

Okay, hon, you win.

If it means this much to you we'll take him to the doctor.

Jamie's been in there for an hour.

What do you think is going on?

Harry, you can't straighten a child out in two minutes.

When it took nine years to get him this way.

Jamie, oh, Jamie. He looks marvelous, doesn't he?

Irma, he didn't have an operation, he just talked.

How did it go, son?

Well, I'm okay.

Sorry, pop, it must be you. He wants to see you both.

Alright, have a seat.

We'll get right into your problem.

- Jamie's problem, doctor. - Uh-huh?

That's hostility, Mr. Boyle.

And that's what Jamie has.

Do you mean he got his hostility from my husband?

It's possible.

Oh my goodness. I've been exposed to it too.

I might have it.

As a matter of fact--

Honey, will you let the doctor talk?

This is $30 an hour.

You I can hear at home for free.

You see, Jamie is your youngest child, the last.

And this is where the trouble starts.

So, if we had another baby Jamie wouldn't be last

and would be normal, huh?

You're asking too much of me, Harry.

I didn't ask anything. I'm trying to understand.

The last sibling has uncertainties.

Envy, jealousy, fear.

So do I, but I don't punch people in the nose.

That's because you have presided.

Jamie's fist fight is a symptom. He's insecure.

Insecure?

Boy, I get so tired hearing that word for everything.

He needs more love. You know, Mr. Boyle.

I do recognize some of Jamie's traits in you.

[male 1] And you must accept the responsibility

for his fighting.

Now wait a minute, I didn't punch that kid at school.

[male 1] Oh, in a sense you did.

Oh, Harry. I'm so glad we found this out.

I knew Jamie was innocent.

We must divert Jamie's energies from hostility to achievement.

What are his interests?

They vary from playing the TV show too loud

to messing up his room.

He did ask for a camera on his birthday.

[Harry] That was too expensive.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, that's it.

His artistic appetite was frustrated

so he reverted to hostile behavior.

Fist fighting.

So, if we get him a camera, doctor, he'll be fine again?

[male 1] Well, it just might do it.

You mean, your kid gets into a fight

you give him a camera.

Now suppose he gets into another fight.

What then? A ten speed bike?

Harry, it's settled.

The camera will cure him, you'll see.

I still think the hairbrush was better.

And for that he doesn't have to buy flash bulbs.

Okay, Judas. Fetch the stick.

Jamie I got somethin' for you.

I've been expecting it.

Where do you want it?

In my room or behind the garage?

Well, neither, you see...

I'm ready. No blindfold, no cigarette.

But I wish I'd remembered to put a pie pan in my pants.

Jamie, there'll be no spanking, instead, this.

[Harry] No it's not ticking.

- It's a camera. - I don't get it.

That psychologist figures your artistic inclinations

are being suffocated.

And if you can take pictures you won't get into any fights.

Hey, that's wild.

But supposing I do get into another fight?

Then do I get another present?

I asked him about that, he didn't know.

Wasn't in his book.

Well I'll sure give it a try, thanks a lot.

We did the right thing, Harry.

I hope so.

It's just wonderful that you no longer think

in terms of physical punishment.

What is it, Harry?

If that kid loses that $20 camera

he's really gonna catch it from me.

Harry, no more hairbrushes.

We're going to bring up Jamie psychologically.

Which means everything is gonna be better around here.

You'll see.

♪♪

[Irma] Get up, Harry. You'll be late for work.

Wha, what?, what??

Come on dear, rise and shine.

Uh, right, here we go. Another day, another dollar.

[snoring]

Good morning, mom. Say, pop, can I have some extra money?

I need to buy film.

Did you hear me, pop? I said...

I don't think there's anyone in there.

But wait here comes somebody.

Is that you, pop? It's me Jamie, right over here.

Here, honey, buy your film with this.

Thanks, mom, see you later, pop.

[door closing]

It's working beautifully. Do you realize, Harry?

In the two weeks he's had the camera

he hasn't been in one fight.

I also realize that compared to photography fist fighting

is a much more economical hobby.

I wonder what kind of pictures he's been taking.

[water trickling]

[Harry] I guess the usual things.

Like the other kids play baseball.

[camera shutter clicking]

Or maybe he's doing pretty things, like flowers.

[camera shutter clicking]

More likely cars or motorcycles.

[camera shutter clicking]

I do hope they've been coming out alright.

[camera shutter clicking]

[Ralph] Psst. Harry.

Psst psst.

I hear you hissing, Ralph, but where are you?

Right here.

What is it, Ralph, the cat burglar?

But he hasn't bothered anybody for weeks.

Maybe he wasn't just your ordinary cat burglar.

My guess is that he's a commie spy

out to get government secrets.

Who around here has government secrets?

You don't know much about me, do you Harry?

Enough, I gotta get to work.

Harry, what I want to talk to you about is Jamie.

- Jamie? - Yep. You've got a problem.

You're right, this is the only house in town

that's mortgaged to Eastman Kodak.

This was in your mailbox.

A plain brown envelope addressed to Jamie.

What were you doing in our mailbox?

All part of our vigilante service to the neighborhood.

We go through everyone's mail to make sure

their privacy is being protected.

[Ralph] Just look what your boy has been sendin' away for.

He's obviously been answering X-rated ads

in underground newspapers and sendin' away

for these nudie pictures.

Ralph, will you look closely?

Those pictures are of me.

My gosh, they are you.

You okay, Ralph?

So you're a porno film model.

Running around posin' in your underwear, corruptin' America.

[Ralph] Harry Boyle, the BVD Benedict Arnold.

Ralph, tell the truth.

As a boy you were once brainwashed and it shrunk, huh?

One thing I can't understand.

How could they come in this neighborhood

and pick you as their porno model?

When I'm taller with more hair

and all around better centerfold personality.

Where's Jamie?

Getting his books. What is it?

That's what it is.

He's been taking pictures of me.

Why so, they are.

It's blurry but I'd know that roll of fat anywhere.

Irma, I'm gonna have to do something about this.

You're absolutely right dear, you should.

How about some exercise and a cottage cheese diet?

- Did you call me, pop? - I certainly did.

Jamie, why did you take those pictures of me?

Because you're a good subject.

Well, can't you take me with my clothes on?

Clothes aren't interesting.

My photography book says the human body

is a classic subject with it's planes,

contours and vortexes.

Planes, contours, vortexes. Oh, listen to him, Harry.

Isn't it wonderful, he's learning these things?

Not when they're yours.

Of course, I haven't found those things yet.

All that comes out in mine are rolls of fat.

Now that'll be enough on that subject.

Jamie, from now on if you wanna take pictures

they gotta be either sunrises, sunsets or people

from the collarbone up.

But, gee, pop, what's wrong with the human body?

I'd say a trip to Dr. Legler's office is called for.

This time you're right.

Take Jamie there this afternoon.

But, honey, not for Jamie, for you.

This whole mess never would have happened

if I'd only stuck to my guns and hairbrush

in the first place.

You know you're handling this all wrong, Mr. Boyle.

There's nothing bad about Jamie's interest in S-E-X.

That's right, Harry.

Be thankful that at least he's interested in something.

Oh, you mustn't punish him for taking these pictures

or you'll repress him.

He'll have a sexually structured backlash.

Oh, my.

Does that mean he'd have to wear

special shoes and everything?

Oh baloney, I was repressed plenty when I was a kid.

It didn't hurt me.

I've had a perfectly normal sex life.

Harry, please, don't be vulgar.

Vulgar? All I said was that I was perfectly normal.

That's the male ego for you.

[male 1] You really believe you're normal, eh?

You better plan to come in here three times a week.

Hold it. Now, I am not coming here any three times a week.

Furthermore if he disobeys me and takes anymore

of these tasteless pictures--

They're not tasteless, dear.

They're only candid.

Well, whatever, he takes them, he's gonna get a spanking.

Not only will that solve the whole thing

but like you've been saying, Irma, I can use the exercise.

Jamie, papa will be late, so come have supper now.

What are you doing?

Fixing my camera so it'll take infra red pictures in the dark.

Your father will like that. Flash bulbs are expensive.

This is a trap to catch the cat burglar.

[Irma] Really?

If he hits that string, the camera will take his picture.

And we'll finally know what he looks like.

I just hope he has clothes on or papa will get mad again.

♪♪

[camera shutter clicking]

[Jamie] The cat burglar must be patrolling around.

[Jamie] See, The camera took a picture last night.

Come to think of it, I did hear a noise out here.

Why didn't you do something about it?

I did, I made an official entry about it in my war diary.

Well, I'll have the crime lab develop your film.

If it shows anything we'll send it out

in an All Points Bulletin.

Gosh, won't my pop be proud of me now.

♪♪

[engine whirring]

Jamie was so thrilled.

He thinks his picture may have helped the police.

[phone ringing]

[Alice] Boyle residence.

The police?

You've caught the burglar suspect?

Isn't that wonderful? Who did it turn out to be?

He says his name is Harry Boyle.

Harry Boyle?

Why does that name seem familiar?

Papa's name is Harry Boyle.

Of course, that's where I've heard it.

What? Well, of course, I'd recognize his voice.

Put him on.

Hello, yourself, who is this?

What do you mean who is this? This is your husband.

How do I know it isn't a recording?

[Irma] He wants me to identify him.

- Ask him a trick question. - Good idea.

Alright, when were we married?

Who can remember at a time like this?

It's papa alright he doesn't remember.

I'll be right down, dear.

[engine whirring]

This isn't the way home.

I'm stopping at Jamie's school.

I'm taking that camera away from him this minute.

I'm not going to allow you to take that camera away.

The boy needs something

now that his father is almost an ex-con.

The camera goes and that's final.

Hi, mom, hi, pop.

Look, Jamie, about your camera...

- I guess you heard, huh? - Heard what?

Jamie's won the school's highest honor

of artistic achievement.

Highest honor?

[female 1] And we all feel you should share the award.

For proving to be such intelligent

and understanding parent.

Oh. Well, uh...

That's... just the way I am.

Here's his winning picture.

We'd like your permission to print it on the front page

of the school paper.

I hope now you've changed your mind

and realized he is artistic.

Well, maybe I was hasty.

Son, I think it's just great, congratulations.

[Irma] What's this?

His winning picture. "Lady In Curlers."

[Harry] Well. What do you know.

Oh, very artistic.

Nothing wrong with the human body I always said.

[Harry] Nice planes, vortexes. Little roll of fat.

Front page of the school newspaper, huh?

Jamie Boyle, we'll have no more of this foolishness.

You understand?

If I catch you snooping around with that camera

one more time, I'm gonna take the hairbrush to you.

Did you hear that?

Oh, it's just terrible.

I've tried to convince her

to use modern psychology but no go.

Not a chance.

Looks like I'm stuck for life with an old fashioned wife.

I'm sorry I lost my temper with Jamie this afternoon.

That shows I'm a terrible mother.

It only shows that you're terribly human.

But poor Jamie, and his artistic...

[Harry] Jamie is fine.

He really wasn't that turned on by photography.

He's already swapped the camera for a catcher's mask.

- Well, how do you like it? - Looks great, son.

[Harry] That should keep you from getting anymore black eyes.

Mom, I'm sorry about that picture I took of you.

But honest I really thought you looked pretty.

Oh, Jamie.

But in curlers, in that old slip?

I never really noticed, mom.

I guess it's just because

I think you look pretty in anything.

Mwah!

Did you hear that, Harry?

I sure did, Mrs. Boyle.

And no child psychologist is ever gonna convince me

that kid needs any kind of help from me.

♪♪

[music fades]