Original subtitles

Mona, look honey, can't we work this out ourselves?

Without all these other people in the way?

You know, it's still our anniversary.

- Yeow! - Grrr.

I wonder why George and Mona didn't come back

for the loveseat.

Maybe it was too expensive.

You know, we should give it to them, Harry.

How often do you see a couple so crazy about each other?

What happened?

Mona locked me out

and her dog's trying to make it permanent.

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home... ♪

[Alice] You see what I mean?

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

This stuff's in good shape, Irma. Why get rid of it?

Because none of it goes with anything

now that we've got those new drapes.

Great. For a ten dollar curtain

we throw away 500 bucks worth of furniture.

Oh, look, here comes that new couple

that just moved in down the street.

- Hi, Mrs. Boyle. - We're not too early, are we?

Oh, not at all. Look around.

I'm sure you'll find something you can use.

But I ought to warn you.

Nothing here goes with anything.

Oh, Harry, men just don't understand do they?

Mine does.

Hiya, Harry.

What's all the furniture doing out here?

We're having a garage sale.

Oh, I thought you and the Mrs. were splitting up.

Come on there, Charlie.

Me and Irma? Never.

It'll come, you'll see.

I put in ten years of marriage myself before I wised up.

I know what you're going through.

- Hi, Charlie. - Hi, neighbor.

Look at this yummy loveseat, honey.

It's that magic word love. The cause of all the trouble.

Just remember kid, love spelled backwards is evil.

E-V-O-L.

That Charlie, what's he got against love and marriage?

Alimony.

Shall we get it? Huh?

Wise up kid. You'll only have to divide it later.

Say no unless you can saw it in half.

Uh, we better measure our room first, honey.

- Uh, make sure it'll fit. - A good idea.

I'll hold it for you till you decide.

Oh, thank you. Come on, honey.

Bye now.

Bye, Mr. Boyle.

Aren't they cute, Harry? And so much in love.

Sure, seem to be.

I give them six months on the outside.

Well, that loveseat won't quite fit here.

Oh, honey, maybe if you move the TV.

Hey, quit that.

King, let go.

Honey, we've got to do something

about that hound of yours.

Fifteen months we've been married

he still thinks I'm breaking and entering.

No, no, bad dog.

Fine way to treat a shiny new husband on his anniversary.

It's 15 months to the very day.

And you forgot.

Maybe I should set King on you.

Hold off your beast, lady.

The shiny new husband didn't forget.

Oh, George, you're wonderful.

I'll get the champagne glasses, honey.

You won't turn into a husband like Charlie, will you?

I bet he spent all 10 years of his marriage

just watching football on TV.

Well, not me. I'll be too busy

for the next ten years just moving furniture.

- Oh no! - What's the matter?

The box with the champagne glasses, it's missing.

All our wedding things were in there.

Even our marriage certificate.

So we'll drink this out of jelly glasses.

I'm not worried about the glasses, it's the certificate.

You can get a copy from town clerk where we were married.

I'm gonna call him right now.

Say, there is a big game on TV today.

What a game, what a game.

Tie score, the Hawks' on the Tigers 30 yard line

with six seconds left on the clock.

George, the town clerk says all of their records

were destroyed last month in a flood.

The Hawks come out of their huddle line up in the wishbone.

[Mona] Don't you see what this means?

No record, no certificate. We can't even prove we're married.

Lazarowski lined up to the right.

The ball comes to Pierson, he moves into the pocket.

George Perkins--

Pierson back, he's looking, he's looking for pass.

Lazarowski is sprinting, he leaps.

One hand, he got it, touchdown!

Wow, did you see that?

What was all that about?

Just that we may not even be married

but that obviously isn't important to you.

[George] Now, Mona--

All you're interested in, this Lazoroski.

- It's Lazarowski. - Oh!

Uh you through with my tape measure?

Huh? Uh, uh--

[Mona] And if this marriage means nothing to you

it certainly means even less to me.

- Congratulations. - Uh, it's nothing, I--

I know it's nothing, that's what I've been trying to tell.

Come on to my place. We'll plan your future.

Oh... Charlie, you've got the wrong ide--

Oh, it'll give her a chance to cool off.

George? Geo... George, where are you?

Hello?

Oh, hello, mother.

Oh, the most terrible thing.

I just found out that George and I

may really not be legally married.

Isn't that just--

What?

You think it's wonderful?

So when she found out a flood had

ruined License and Records--

- Hi, Charlie. - Uh-oh. There's Brenda.

Say, I made this liver casserole for lunch.

But Shirley here has to leave.

Don't you, Shirley?

Huh?

Oh, yes, that's right.

And it's much too much for just little whole me.

Why don't you join me?

Uh, yeah, some other time.

- Why didn't you go? - Are you kidding?

They don't call her the great white hunter for nothing.

I know what'd happen if I put just one foot inside that door.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...

That's all women are after, they old double ring ceremony.

Ending up with one on her finger

and the other through some guy's nose.

There's nothing wrong with marriage, Charlie.

Bite your tongue.

You don't know how lucky you are

having your marriage wiped out by a flood.

If this ever gets out, every husband in America

will be out on the street doing a rain dance.

Look at you, free, no cuts, no alimony.

Your wife won't be able to clean you out like mine did.

There you are, exhibit A of American justice.

The court gave each of us three things.

Fair enough, right?

My wife got the house, the car and the bank account.

[Charlie] I got a lamp and a chair and a can opener.

This is all you have?

I tell you, we should ship all the females in the world

to a desert island.

The human race will be better off, believe me.

[George] But there wouldn't be a human race, Charlie.

Where would all the children come from?

Easy, we'd adopt them.

I better get back, Mona will be waiting.

Will you relax?

Look, have a drink first.

It's George.

Mother?

My poor dear, what had that beast done to you.

- Oh mother, I just-- - There, there, don't you cry.

We'll find you a nice new husband

who doesn't think of women as just possession.

A right man of intellect.

I don't want a right man, mother, I want George.

Honey, women are changing, asserting themselves.

Some men call us monsters.

They don't understand.

We don't want to dominate men, we just want to be equal.

And I'll flatten the first guy who tries to stop us.

Now, look, you mustn't go back, George.

When you escape an accident you don't lie down

in front of the car again, do you?

Charlie, Charlie, relax will ya?

I-I like being married.

Talk to him, would you? He's just a kid.

Ah, who's the over the hill Jane Fonda?

- What do you want? - I live here, remember?

Uh, not anymore you don't.

Thank you.

You can stay here till we find a nice little pad of your own.

Look, Mona packed one of her own nightgowns by mistake.

Mistake? Mistake nothing.

It's one of the oldest tricks in the book.

She's trying to get you back.

With dirty fighting.

Who is it?

- Stanley. - Come on up, Stanley.

One of the members of my marriage anonymous group.

Marriage anonymous?

[Charlie] Yeah, I got about 40 divorced guys.

You know, the minute they feel tempted to get hitched again

they come over, I help straighten them out.

To keep them from destroying themselves all over again.

Listen, I've been seeing this blonde.

- She's gorgeous. - Blonde.

- Yeah, gorgeous. - And she's sweet.

- Sweet. - And kind.

Kind, yeah, I know. Now, easy now, Stanley.

Look, you're not alone.

We'll fight this terrible thing together.

Uh-huh, and listen, she's got dimples.

Oh, they're so cute, they're cute dimples.

She's got one here and she's got one over here.

I know about the dimples, Stanley, believe me.

You know these late night calls.

It's always dimply blondes.

Dimply blondes.

[George] Uh, what's that?

Tape record and pictures of the battle axe

he was married to before.

Remind him of what's lurking for backsliders.

And another thing, Stanley

you should at least have the decency

when you're with my mother.

[Charlie] And the in-laws. Does that ring a bell, pal?

Stanley, we shall overcome.

- More black coffee? - No, no.

Wanna run through the tape again?

Oh, no! No, no, please, no more.

Now, you're gonna be cured.

Remember, you're stronger than they are.

I'm stronger than they are.

And single is what-what-what?

And single is beautiful.

I think you got it, Stanley.

Now, read the pamphlet again and when you get home

two aspirins and a cold shower.

- Do you do this often? - Ah, whenever I'm needed.

Aah, when ever I'm needed

in the service to mankind, I also make house calls.

[George] House calls?

Yeah, you know, when a guy gets trapped with bimbos

I break in, turn on the lights, blow out the candles, pooh pooh

dump out the wine, and smash

all the Andre Kostelanetz records.

Mona, look, honey, can't we work this out ourselves?

Without all these other people in the way?

You know, it's still our anniversary.

- Grrr. - Yeow!

I wonder why George and Mona didn't come back

for the loveseat.

Maybe it was too expensive.

You know we should give it to them, Harry.

How often do you see a couple so crazy about each other?

What happened?

Mona locked me out.

And her dog's trying to make it permanent.

[Charlie] I know how you feel, kid.

But the first day of withdrawal from marriage is always rough.

Like quitting smoking or any other bad habit.

That's funny.

Mona didn't pack any of my clean shirts.

Only my dirty ones.

Of course. The... the old laundry gambit.

To remind you that she always did your wash for you.

You know, you wouldn't believe how many broads rope

a guy into marriage with a clothesline.

What do I do?

Use the laundry machines in the basement.

Greatest bargain in the world.

For two bits, you strike a blow for male liberation.

I still don't know what we're doing here.

You wanna get a salad, don't you?

Well, this is where the action is.

The laundry room?

Beats going to social club dances or bars.

Here every play is a prospect.

When a guy's doing his own laundry

he's on the open market.

But I've run our clothes through eight times already.

They're almost threadbare.

Are all the machines taken?

It can't be. He's the newly wed.

If he's here, he's up for grabs.

Just leave your things with me.

I'll throw them in with mine.

Oh, gee, you don't have to do that.

It's my pleasure.

I'll have them washed and ironed in a couple of hours.

[Brenda] Come by my place at noon.

What kept you? It's almost noon.

You know how fussy that Chinese laundry is.

[Brenda gasps] Oh, that's him. Take off!

[Brenda] What's wrong?

You're gonna make such a beautiful bride.

Hi.

It's gonna be beautiful.

Gosh, did you do all that?

Just finishing.

There.

My!

Just look at those broad shoulders.

I didn't expect you so soon.

I hate to have you see me like this.

I don't care what you look like.

Uh, I mean, uh, you-you-you look great! Heh heh.

But I can look better.

Uh why don't I just get my shirts and...

What's the rush?

- I, uh-- - I hope you'll forgive me.

I'm really not ready for company.

You know, I've always admired you from afar.

Those devilish eyes, that tiny nose

that kissable mouth.

How can one man have so much?

It's no more than anyone else has.

Eyes, nose, mouth. It comes with every head.

I want you to know I'm a very warm person.

I know. After ironing all those shirts I would think so.

I wasn't talking about shirts.

Socks? Shorts?

The warmth I see feel comes from within.

- Maybe it's heartburn. - It's love.

I-I gotta be going!

Relax, George.

I heard the whole story. You're not married.

B-b-but I am

and somewhere there's a water-soaked piece of paper

to prove it.

I know how you feel, honey, but look on the bright side.

You now have an opportunity to be a person in your own right.

Not just a sex symbol to a possessive male.

But I love being a sex symbol.

Mona, there's a fine man I want you to meet.

Miron, the doctor.

He won't treat you as a woman, but as a human being.

But, mother, I still think that George and I can have a--

Sweetheart, you're gonna have to stop thinking about George.

I bet George isn't wasting any time thinking about you.

No, you're wrong!

I know he's so lonely staying with Charlie.

Sure.

Wait, you forgot your pajamas.

Hi, Mona.

Any questions?

Bring the doctor around, mother.

But first I'm gonna see a lawyer.

Mona, Mona, I can explain.

Very uncool, George!

And Mona never even gave me a chance to explain, Charlie.

You're lucky.

She might've taken you back

and you'd be stuck with her all over again.

That Brenda, That Brenda, her whole apartment's a booby trap.

And you were the boob she was trying to trap.

They're all alike.

We should put all the women in a rocket

and send them to moon.

Mona's going to see a lawyer.

The Alligators come out of the hub.

But there's the final gun.

And the Grizzlys have won

this riveting hardcore contest.

Seventy one to nothing.

Yes, sir, George, this is the life. Just think, pal.

From now on you can watch all the football games you want.

Yeah. Yeah.

[Charlie] And you'll have your own little pad soon.

A nice little place just like this.

- Yeah. - And you'll be like me.

You'll live like a king!

Hey, hey, you haven't eaten all day.

Hey, there's some nice salami in the kitchen.

[Mona's mother] I'll go get Miron.

You two can have a nice lunch together.

Just promise me you won't open this door to George

for any reason.

Alright. I promise.

We won't have to hold the loveseat

for the Perkins any longer, Harry.

Frances Griffi just told me it's kaput.

Mr. Boyle, I've come to pick up that loveseat.

The loveseat?

But I just heard... Well, that is... I mean--

I know, I know, it's been a field day for everybody.

But that's over. Well, will you help me deliver it?

After I make a change or two.

And I can use part of that too.

I don't know what you're up to, George

but I got a feeling I wanna be in on it.

Come on, King, we'll take a little walk.

- Who is it? - Harry Boyle.

- I've got your loveseat here. - But I didn't buy it.

Compliments of a friend.

Okay, Mac, give me a hand to get it inside.

B-b-but I don't understand.

George!

I'll take him for a walk.

Come on, my little five-legged friend.

Now, see here, George Perkins

if you think you could sneak in here and expect to...

What are you doing?

It's an idea I got from Charlie.

- I sawed it in half! - But why?

It was so pretty.

Only when it was together, Mona.

But split apart it's nothing, is it?

- What's going on here? - Oh, nothing.

Mona and George are having a little talk.

George? Let me in there!

[Harry] Uh, sorry, but the door seems to be jammed.

Mona, open up, I have Miron here.

George, I've got your laundry.

What's the idea of turning her loose on him like that?

He's just a boy, she'll brutalize him.

That's right, they're probably on each other's throat.

[Harry] They seem to be ripe.

You still got a chance, George. I'll get you a pamphlet.

Have a car out front with the motor running.

I'll leave his shirt here, Mona.

They're no good to me, empty.

But, Mona, look at what you're missing.

He's a B.A, M.A and a PhD. Wouldn't it wonderful?

You could have separate bedrooms separate vacation

separate everything!

What fun you could have together!

- You mean, he's available? - That's right!

Oh, come on, it's my roommate's birthday.

I promised her I'd bring her something.

You'll like her, she's great on laundry.

Wait. Mona, say something intelligent, he'll come back.

Mom, I love you very much, so try and understand.

Listen, you can help me pick out my curtains

my drapes and furniture.

But I'm going to pick out the kind of fella

who sits across the breakfast table from me.

And I have... and it's him.

Now, let's see, Mona, just where were we?

Oh, as I remember, somewhere over there.

Yep, we live in a crazy world.

If you're working on keeping your marriage together

nobody notices.

But if you have the slightest problem

everybody jumps in to pull it apart.

But we'll be ready for them next time.

Huh, you'll never guess where we found

our marriage certificate.

It was in the dog's basket.

[Mona] I'll never understand how it got there.

The important thing is not to let silly, little arguments

blow up into big ones.

- Right, Harry? - Absolutely.

Incidentally, where is our marriage certificate?

[Irma] I used to keep it right here.

- Oh, relax, honey. - Relax?

Aren't you interested Harry? What if it's lost?

- Irma, if you just-- - What if there's no record?

We have children, you know. Or don't you care about them?

[Harry] Irma, I--

[Irma] Obviously, that isn't important to you.

Well, if it isn't important to you it isn't important to me.

- After 25 years, I should've-- - Here.

Oh, it's the marriage certificate.

And you had it framed!

I had it done because I knew you'd be looking for it.

Oh, Harry, I love you!