Original subtitles

Ralph, I-let's go back to the hotel.

Will you relax? I told you I'm a black belt.

I couldn't help over-hearing.

Are you gentlemen from out of town?

- That's right. California. - Welcome to New York.

I could've taken them.

I just didn't know how to counteract the gun.

You should have shown 'em your black belt.

They're gonna find out who they're dealin' with.

They already know. All they have to do is open your wallet.

Someone's coming. Maybe we can get a dime from him.

I don't think so, Ralph.

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Hey, Harry, don't forget our garage sale this Saturday.

I've got something you really wanna have.

- Like what? - Get set for a thrill.

Here it is. A statue of Venus with a clock in her stomach.

What makes you think I'd like that?

Because it's yours.

We bought it last month at your garage sale.

Oh, yeah. But don't you remember?

We got it the month before in a garage sale from you.

Yes, it's mine. No wonder it seemed familiar.

Oh, these garage sales.

Remember the good old days when we used to throw junk away

instead of just rotating it around the neighborhood?

Then why didn't you keep it, Harry?

That clock in her stomach works good.

I know, but I was too embarrassed to wind it.

Anyway, I won't be here Saturday.

I just found out I might have to meet

with a customer in New York this weekend.

Oh hey! That will be a nice trip for Irma.

Oh, but she won't be going. Just me.

Come on, Harry, the minute you open your mouth

she'll be half way to the airport.

Not the way I'll explain it.

Bet you 20 bucks, she goes with you.

And the loser keeps the statue.

That's a deal. Well, I gotta go in now.

The guy in New York said, he'd call me tonight.

Harry, you don't have a prayer.

There's three little words a woman never gets tired

of hearin' and they ain't "I love you"

it's "New York City."

Hi, dear. How did it go at the office today?

It was pretty busy.

I'll probably have to work this weekend.

Well, it was terrible here.

Alice forgot her dentist appointment.

I burnt the cookies for Jamie's homeroom.

The dog got into Mr. Stevenson's garbage.

What a day!

You know I might even have to go to--

Boy! Do I need a vacation!

What were you saying about this weekend?

Uh, we'll talk about it later.

Excuse me, Alice...

- Oh, just a minute, Diana. - Could you call her back?

- I'm, uh, expecting a call. - Oh, sure.

[Harry] Irma, about this weekend coming up

you probably have a whole lot of things

you wanna catch up on, so--

Oh, not really. I don't have a thing planned.

Oh! Well, you have been saying you wanted a chance

to clean out the hall closet.

I did it this morning.

That's another reason why I need a rest.

Alice, please hang up. It's important.

I'm expecting a long distance call.

Long distance?

- What kept you? - Who said long distance?

Down, boy.

Uh, a customer's calling me.

I may have to take a trip back east this weekend.

Say, it was too bad about burnin' those cookies, Irma.

Back east? Where?

Well, you know, just back.

Now, about the dog gettin' into the garbage.

Harry, where will you be going?

Well, as I remember, he lives in, um, area code 212.

New York City.

- It's a quick trip. In and out. - Fifth Avenue.

No. I'm sorry, honey.

- What did you say? - I said, no.

I know you said, "No." But why'd you say, "No?"

I said no because you were just about to ask me

if you could go with me.

Well, make up your mind. Can I?

Just what I needed. It'll be wonderful.

Irma, I'm only going for a day or so.

Besides, we really can't afford...

Thud

May I speak to Sandra?

Alice, please. I told you I needed the phone free.

I know, I'm calling my friends and telling them not to call me.

Try to understand, Irma.

Me, not Irma. She woman. Me, boy.

Everybody's gotta be a clown.

Me, number one son. Maybe not remember?

Me, number one father. Maybe not pay allowance.

Th-th-th-th-th... That's all, folks!

Did you really invite mom to go to New York with you, pop?

Frankly no. Whatever that means.

Boyle residence.

Who?

Oh, uh, sorry Jamie's not here.

Yes, I am. Who is it?

It's Doug Birch about your homework assignment.

Doug, he can't talk now.

Having trouble with Arithmetic, Dopey Doug?

- Look, Jamie-- - The fourth question?

- The answer is six apples. - I need the phone.

Or was it four apples on the sixth question?

Can he call you back?

Yeah, that substitute teacher, she's murder.

Doug, could you call back a little later?

Thank you.

Sorry, Jamie, but I'm expecting an important call.

Irma, let's be sensible.

Hands off, everyone.

Boyle residence. Harry Boyle speaking.

I know I told you to call back a little later

but not this little.

Look, he'll call you.

Irma, about New York, we really can't afford--

Sure we can.

The airlines have all kinds of discounts for wives.

Remember, they had that big advertising campaign

with everybody singing, "Take Her Along".

They won an award.

And also the undying affection

of every husband in America.

Harry, I do understand it's a business trip.

I won't interfere in the slightest.

Now, look if you can't get your arithmetic done right--

Oh-oh-oh. Hi, Mr. Wilson.

Yes, I was expecting your call.

I thought we might have our meeting here

Friday morning, if that's convenient.

Oh, Friday's fine. I could come in Thursday night.

No, Harry, I have to be here Thursday night

for my geranium club.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Yes, Friday will be fine.

What's the weather like?

Yes, I'll bring samples of our new cookware.

Ask him if everybody's wearing pants there?

Is everybody wearing pants there?

Things are probably different in California

but at our meeting's here, practically no one shows up

in their underwear.

Will you stop with all the silliness?

No. No. Not you, Mr. Wilson.

Tell me, your new line of cookware.

Is it ceramic or aluminum?

Ask him what kind of coat should I bring?

- Aluminum. - Aluminum?

With a close fitting top. No seams.

An extra thick bottom to keep the heat in.

Where can I get a coat like that?

Sounds interesting. Uh...

Would you hold on just a minute, Mr. Boyle?

[Harry] Sure.

Honey, I agree you're certainly entitled to a little fling.

But I'm trying to keep this trip very simple.

Just in for the meeting and then out again, right after.

Well...

I promise you, we'll arrange

a nice little vacation

for you, after I get back.

Alright, Harry. If you really feel that way.

It's for the best.

Yes. I'm still here.

I was just talking to my wife.

She's looking forward to meeting Mrs. Boyle.

You'll bring her with you, of course.

Oh, sure, uh, of course, Mrs. Boyle will be with me.

- Right, see you Friday. - Then I'm going?

His wife insisted on it. Husbands don't have a chance.

It's a world wide conspiracy.

Oh, we'll have a wonderful time, dear. You'll see.

Sure, why not? What the heck?

One more thing.

When we get back, I still get the other vacation too, don't I?

That's what I'm taking to New York, Irma.

- Our new line of cookware. - They're lovely.

Yeah. I better wrap 'em in tissue paper.

I don't want the least little scratch on 'em.

Clang

crash

clank clank

You two must've been having some argument.

Did she throw all those things at you?

Of course not. You alright, dear?

Hey, you've been to someone else's garage sale Harry?

Where'd you pick up this junk?

Now, take it easy, dear.

I'll go in and call the airlines about our ticket.

Oh, airlines, huh? He he he. Tickets, huh? He he he.

So, I was right. She's going, huh?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. - Huh? Huh?

She needs a vacation. We'll have fun.

- You'll hate it. - Huh?

New York's terrible today. All full of foreigners.

It sure was a dumb idea to build a city there in the first place.

It's too close to Europe.

- Maybe we could move it. - Too late for that.

All we can do now is stop all the immigrants.

Build a big concentration camp for them

right there on the island where the Statue of Liberty is.

[Harry] Oh, that's beautiful.

They could even rip out her Freedom Torch

and put in searchlight.

Now you got it.

Yes, sir, really only way this

country's gonna go places

is to keep out people from other

countries with their inferior

mentality.

Like Albert Einstein?

Ralph, don't you understand that it's the mixture of people

coming here from other lands

have made our country what it is?

No, sir, it was the Americans

right here in our own 48 states.

Baloney!

And incidentally, it's 50 states.

Remember, we added Alaska and Hawaii.

I don't count them.

You'll never convince me, you can make real states

on Eskimos and Hula dancers.

Ralph, I'd recommend you get a brain transplant

except I don't think you have a trade in.

Harry, you know that 20 bucks you owe me in the bet?

Well, pal, I've decided to spend it on something nice for you.

Like what?

Like a down payment on the ticket

for me to go with you.

You'd like that, wouldn't you, huh?

- No. No. - Huh? Huh?

No!

Harry, all that violence in New York.

You need someone to protect you from strangers.

I'd give 'em the old karate chop.

Hei, hei, hei.

Aiee!

Thanks Ralph, but I think I'd feel safer with strangers.

Good news, Harry. The airlines have a new family plan.

- We can all go with you. - Even Julius?

Okay, count me in.

I wonder if the Spanish Armada started out

as a simple little business trip?

[Irma] Be sure you pack your sinus pills, Alice.

[Jamie] 'We'll be flying in a big jet

won't we, mom? One of those big ones?

[Alice] Has anybody seen my blue zippered bag?

[Chet] What hotel are we staying at?

[Irma] Remind me to call Bruno

and Barbara while we're in New York.

Hold it. Hold it!

Now, let's have a little quiet, please.

Now, let's get a few things settled

about our trip to New York, huh?

First, Irma did you call the airlines?

Yes. There are two flights tomorrow.

I found out all about them

but I just can't decide which is better.

Well, do they each cost the same?

I'm not sure.

- What time does each one leave? - I didn't ask.

I thought you said, you found out all about 'em.

I did. One has a Paul Newman movie and a piano.

The other has a Dustin Hoffman movie and free popcorn.

That's all you asked about? What movie was playing?

But that's very important.

What do you think has made flying into such a big business?

I always had the crazy idea it was the Wright brothers

not the Marx brothers.

That must be Ralph.

I asked him to come over.

Hi, group. Workin' out logistics for our little

junket to the Big Apple, right?

We're trying to decide whether to take Paul Newman

or Dustin Hoffman?

Why bring along another guy, Harry?

The car's gonna be crowded enough going to the airport.

Paul Newman and Dustin Hoffman are actors.

Actors, huh? Well, if they go, count me out.

I'm not sharing my boxed lunch with no looney liberals.

They're not going. Their films are on the planes.

You won't believe this but Irma picks a plane

by the movie it's showing.

So do I. Sure.

Whenever I get a vacation, I just go down to the airport

and take whatever's the first John Wayne movie out.

How'd you know where you're going?

I don't. I leave it up to John.

I figure that Duke won't take me nowhere

a good American shouldn't be going.

I'll find out which plane leaves earlier.

Now, the next thing, there is simply

no good reason to take the dog with us.

Oh, pop, please. He's never been to New York before.

Well, neither have the goldfish and they are not going either.

I've got it all straight now.

We can get six seats on a 747 at 6:46.

Or was that a 646 at 7:47?

Anyway, that replaces the 707 that used to leave at 6:06.

Or was it the 606 that used to leave at 7:07?

Or we can take Flight six to gate seven on the eighth

at nine sharp on a 10/11.

What do you think?

Do whatever you like.

We'll take Paul Newman and the piano.

Swoosh

Hey! Hey! There's some people out there.

People? Let me see.

Those aren't people. They're tourists. Let them in.

Did you pay the cab driver?

Congratulations, Irma. We've become a two car family.

I just bought a whole taxi cab.

We're the Boyles. We have a reservation.

Uh-huh. Let me check.

You'll be glad we all came, dear.

You're gonna get a lot out of this trip.

If by that, you mean exercise, you're right.

Your reservation is for only one room.

It'll hold four people at the most.

I guess the best thing is for

you and the children to stay here.

Ralph and I will go to another hotel.

Oh, what a shame!

Well, we could probably find one nearby.

Oh, would you get us a cab?

You mean, you expect me to go out there?

You are the doorman, aren't you?

Right, there's the door

and here's where I'm stayin', inside.

Hey, look, mom, there's another hotel right across the street.

Great, then we won't need a cab. We can just walk across.

You'll never make it.

You better call first and make sure

they have a room, available.

Second hotel.

Just a minute, I'll see.

A lady's calling, asking if we have a double room?

Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh dear! A double!

We'd simply jam, jam, jam!

Doesn't this remind you of the hotel

where we spent our honeymoon, dear?

What is it?

The lady just said

they're on their honeymoon.

Their honeymoon? Well!

We must give the little lovebirds a nest for the night.

They can have 1211.

We have a room for you.

Where are you coming from?

Where?

You'll never make it.

They have a room, dear.

Oh, I better get right over there and register.

- Come on, Ralph. - Wait, Harry.

Who's gonna carry our suitcases?

Bang

Alright, group, need a volunteer here.

My name is Boyle. My wife just called.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeed.

Uh, but just where is your little companion?

- Carrying the suitcases. - Carrying the suitcases?

Yeah, and it's about time. I had to carry 'em at the airport.

Your wife explained your difficulty.

You two being here on your--

I tried to talk her into staying at home.

I knew it would be better for both of us

if I came on this thing alone.

- Uh, alone? - I'll take the room key now.

But aren't you gonna wait for--

Nah, old stupid, will probably take all night.

Is that the honeymooner? Where's his bride?

You wouldn't believe it, if I told you.

You'll see, Harry, you'll be glad you brought everyone along.

Knock knock knock

You get that. I'm gonna take a shower.

Well, well well! ls everything satisfactory?

Its' not bad.

Except I was hoping

we wouldn't be stuck with a double bed.

You don't wa--

That character I'm with, snores like a moose.

On paper, this figures to be the worst night of my life.

Now, now, Mr. Boyle. You're just tired.

Oh, my, my.

I'm afraid we can't have this.

Even though, you may not want to come out for meals

we can't let you cookin' in the room

even if you are honeymooners.

- Honeymooners? - Yes.

That's the only reason that you have our last room.

Because you are honeymooning.

Oh! What, well, thanks. Sure we both appreciate it.

I, uh, did want to present this to the bride.

Oh, I'll give it to her. She's in the shower.

She's got a bad cold.

Knock knock knock

Hold down the singing, would you, sweetie?

Sweetie?

- What's that? - They're for you.

I don't think I'll stay here, Harry.

Look, Ralph...

Bang

The clerk thinks we're a honeymooning couple.

That's the only way we can keep this room.

That's ridiculous, Harry.

What does he think I'd ever see in you?

He thought we were gonna cook here.

Speaking of which, I am hungry.

Look, there's a restaurant open just a couple of blocks away.

Hey, great, let's go.

Uh, that is if I can find something decent

in my trousseau to wear.

We'll never get a cab, Harry. Let's walk.

Oh, I don't know, Ralph. That might be dangerous.

Harry, it's a few short blocks.

And you don't have to worry about muggers with me around.

Karate expert. Hmm.

These hands are registered

with the police as lethal weapons.

Ralph, I-let's go back to the hotel.

Will you relax? I told you I'm a black belt.

I couldn't help over-hearing.

Are you gentlemen from out of town?

That's right. California.

Welcome to New York.

I could've taken them, I just didn't know

how to counteract the gun.

You should have shown 'em your black belt.

They're gonna find out, who they're dealin' with.

They already know. All they have to do is open your wallet.

Someone's coming. Maybe we can get a dime from him.

I don't think so, Ralph.

Hey, mac.

If you're a mugger, we already gave.

Nah! I-I was just wondering, if you could spare a dime

for a cup of coffee.

If I had a dime, where would I keep it?

We're asking for a dime ourselves.

Gee, I guess you guys are worst off than me.

Here.

All I could find was your clothes, Harry.

It's okay, Irma, they'll do fine.

No, they won't. I look silly in this suit.

You can always go back to you underwear.

The important thing is that you're both alright.

Yeah, well, let's get back to the hotel, huh?

No, sir. I'm gonna look for those muggers.

- Not in my suit. You're not. - But, Harry--

Ralph, these are the only suits I've got left.

I've got an important business meeting in the morning

and I wanna be there in one of them. So, let's get back.

What are you doing?

We don't wanna get robbed, do we?

With all those locks, nobody could get through

that door with a bazooka.

But they could with a tank.

[Harry] We're on the 12th floor.

How would they get up here with a tank?

[Ralph] They'd take the elevator.

Ralph, how would they get a tank in the elevator?

Easy. They'd turn left in the lobby.

All clear under there.

Okay, I'll take the first watch. You come on at 0300 hours.

I'll wake you then.

Ralph, I have an important meeting

at 9:00 in the morning and I wanna be fresh.

Now, just go to bed.

Goodnight.

Hm, what? Uh, what? What is it?

It's me, Harry.

Just wanted to wake you up to let you know

that everything's alright.

I thought you'd sleep better.

I was just checking the alarm and it went off.

- But how do you shut it off? - Key is in my pant's pocket.

Ralph, the muggers' have your pants.

I told you to let me go after them.

Well, you may as well go back to sleep, Harry.

As soon as papa finishes getting the order

from Mr. Wilson, we can start sightseeing.

I've been looking forward to seeing

your line of cookware, Mr. Boyle.

- Mr. Boyle? - Huh? Oh, yes.

Now, here's a very popular...

Thud

Glad to give you the order.

I've seen low pressure salesmen before

but you're something else.

Good luck.

Gee, isn't it great? Papa got the order.

I'd knew he'd do it. My Harry's a real live wire.

[Irma] We'll go to the Empire State Building first.

Then the Statue Of Liberty.

Then Grant's tomb. Then I think--

Irma, I-I'd rather go back and sleep.

But you'll miss all the fun.

I know, but I-I'm so tired.

I'd fall asleep and miss it anyway.

Oh, no, you won't, Harry.

I'll keep slapping your face

to keep you awake all the way.

You won't miss a thing.

Smack smack

Ralph, I really--

Now, don't try to thank me.

What are friends for?

[Ralph] He he he. Hey, aren't you glad I came, huh?