Original subtitles

Harry, I've been thinking.

You're a man of integrity.

- And I admire that. - Thanks.

You don't wanna sue because you're not really hurt, right?

Right.

Well, I've come up with a solution.

Hurt him, Whittaker.

- Hai! Hai! - What the...

Boing

thud

No. No. Hey, wait. No, no!

Ow! Ooh, ooh. Take it easy.

Ah! Eeh! Ah!

Swoosh

twang

Oh, my arm.

Good work, Sergeant Whittaker. Neat. Very neat.

There may be an extra stripe on your arm for this.

Just one? I'd be happy to go for two. Hai!

Be steady, Whitaker. Knock it off.

Well, Harry, your problem is solved.

Now you can sue that hotel with a clear conscience.

[theme song]

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

♪♪

[Harry] Irma?

What is this $85 bill from Natasha Pawlowski.

Oh! That's Alice's ballet teacher.

It's $65 for lessons and $20 for her tutu.

Tutu?

The ballet skirts are called tutu.

- Didn't you know that? - No, I didn't.

And furthermore, I'm not too crazy

about building up my vocabulary at $20 a word either.

Halt.

How could you mange to spend $34 in one month

on gasoline for your motorcycle?

Now, Harry, calm down.

And this bill for $32.50 from Singer's department store.

You have enough clothes!

When are you gonna give your credit card a rest?

The $32.50 was for a pair of imported slacks

that I bought for you, dear.

- Huh? - They are very becoming.

You're a handsome man and I just wanted you to look nice.

Oh, Irma, that's fighting dirty.

One time a month, I have an excuse

to yell at you and-and you blow it.

Mwah

Well, I guess it's really not that bad.

We didn't spend more than I made this month.

And very few Americans can make that statement.

Well, uh, Harry, there is one other thing.

What?

I took Jamie to the orthodontist today

and he definitely needs braces.

How much is it gonna cost?

Come into the kitchen, dear

and I'll fix you a cup of coffee.

Six hundred dollars?

You want Jamie to have a nice smile, don't you?

For $600, that dentist is gonna have one heck of a smile too.

- Harry-- - Alright. Alright.

I'll think about it. It's not an emergency, is it?

No. But now seems like a good time.

You've had such a good month. You broke even.

Gulp

[indistinct chatter]

Over here, Harry.

What's with the fancy pants, Harry?

You joined the Gay Liberation Movement?

- Uh, Irma bought it for me. - Oh, you look gorgeous.

Too bad she didn't buy you a matching purse. He he he.

Okay, okay. Now, what's the occasion?

How come you're buying me lunch?

Alright, get ready. Hold on, Harry.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

I spoke to the membership committee

of our vigilante group

and they've agreed to let you join.

Sorry, I'm not interested.

But Harry, us decent people have to band together.

It's the only way we can get a fair voice

in runnin' the country.

There's another way. It's called election.

Elections! You call that fair?

When they let just everybody vote?

Would you excuse me a minute, Ralph?

I just remembered I had to call the office.

Squeak squeak squeak

splat

bam

Don't get up, Harry. Don't get up, just lay there.

What?

Hunch your back. Look hurt.

My, my back? Look at my pants. They're ripped.

I'm an attorney. I saw that.

- Here's my card. - No, no, take, take my card.

You don't look at all well, sir.

Better get back down on the floor.

Definitely, negligence. Should be worth a 1 000 easy.

- What 1 000? 5000. - Forget it, fellas. I'm okay.

All I need is something to pin up this hole in my pants.

But you could clean up. They'd probably got complete coverage.

But I'm not interested in their coverage.

Just in mine.

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

Imagine slipping on a negligent pad of butter

in front of a 100 lawyers.

It's the great American dream.

I'll settle for what I've got.

Namely a great excuse not to have to wear these crazy pants.

[car honking]

Hey, Ralph, where are you taking me?

To a doctor.

But I told you I feel fine.

And feeling fine is the classic symptom of severe shock.

I mean it. It could be serious, Harry.

Whiplash! You know butter is one of our big killers today?

[tires screeching]

- Now hold it. - It's okay.

I'm commander Ralph Kane, company B.

The password is Sassafras.

Oh, it's alright. Pass.

What kind of a doctor are you taking me to?

A vigilante doctor. The best.

- Well? - It's bad news, Mr. Boyle.

Very bad.

Do you have a family? Why is it always the good men?

- Why? Why? - W-what is it?

Please, sit down.

I could give you a lot of empty phrases and false hopes.

But I think you've got the kind of stuff to take it straight.

Okay. Go ahead. What is it?

I'm afraid it's nothin'.

- Nothing? - Yep. You get zero.

I've done all that medical science can do

but still I failed.

I can't find one

fool thing wrong with you.

But, doc he did slip in front of a 100 witnesses

in an insured restaurant

a heavily insured restaurant.

I know.

Please, don't make it any rough

on me than it already is.

Do you think I enjoy this?

Do you think I take pleasure

in having to tell this man, that he's healthy?

That all his dreams, his future, everything gone!

And these hands.

These hands, despite all their skill

can do absolutely nothing?

Do you think you could live with that? Do you?

Hey, sorry, doc, I know you did all anyone could.

Yeah. Yeah.

Perhaps someday with research, new drugs, new techniques...

- Wait a minute. Lloyd Isaacs. - 'Lloyd Isaacs'?

Remember he had the same symptoms as Harry here

yet you were able to help him.

Yeah! Yeah!

You're right. He had your exact same trouble.

Everything was normal.

And we can help you just like we helped him.

- I-I don't think-- - Oh, this is beautiful.

Nothing that can't be disproved.

Any perforated sciatic nerve, untraceable spasms

and the ever popular lower back pain.

How did I ever forget?

You hear Harry? You got a chance.

Normality can't be caught.

Alright, let's get something straight.

Me Harry. Me good boy. Me go now.

Do you realize what you're passin' up?

This Isaacs guy was as healthy as you.

Yet he collected a 100 grand.

He took up his fast cars with race horses

with champagne, with dancing girls.

A nonstop party for six months.

He was really living.

- Then what happened? - Figure it out.

You're standing next to him.

What a pleasure to get home and finally away

from nutty people, who're interested only in

what money might come out of my accident.

Irma?

- What is it? - Oh, nothing.

I was just thinking.

I mean, if the hotel was at fault

and you did have a painful fall...

Oh, not you too.

Alice, maybe you can explain to your mother...

See, he's irritable, caused by a brain concussion from his fall.

We can testify in court.

Harry, we only want you to do what's right.

But a little settlement would help.

You know with Jamie's orthodonture coming up.

I'll pay for it myself.

His teeth maybe crooked, but the money doesn't have to be.

[barking]

Remember me?

Ah, from the glint in your eye, you're the lawyer--

Who witnessed your tragic accident

on the negligent butter in the heavily insured restaurant.

Well, if you wanna know the truth--

I'm interested only in justice.

Aren't they the same?

We'll make a very simple agreement.

Whatever money we win in court

you take half, and I'll take half.

And if I get a jail sentence for fraud

will you take half of that too?

Boy I must say, you're very persistent.

The way I see it, we'll start in a lower court.

- Oh, speaking of lower... - Yes, of course.

It's been a very pleasant day, Mr. Lawsuit

but I-I don't think we can do business together.

Keep an open mind. Uh, may I use your phone?

I'm sure we could collect at least $25000.

Twenty five thousand Dollars!

That sure would make my newspaper route easier.

I could go to New York and become a Prima ballerina.

♪♪

Smash

[crowd cheering]

Man, with all that loot, I could be king of the beach.

[motor rumbling]

[girls giggling]

fff

slurp

Thank you, Mr. Boyle. Let me know what you decide.

Here's my card again.

Boy, this family.

They're as subtle as a train wreck.

Irma, tell me something.

Am I wrong about not wanting

to sue that restaurant?

You know best, dear.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

- What's this? - The mail that came today?

You know, It sure looks like

it's all bills, doesn't it, Harry?

[upbeat music]

Psst!

Psst! Psst! Psst!

Did I leave the sprinklers on?

[Ralph] Don't turn around, Harry.

Just keep looking straight ahead.

Ralph, what are you doing there, anyway?

Those insurance companies are smart.

I'm sure they have high powered cameras

trained on you right now.

Oh, for crying out loud.

That's the way they work.

They get pictures to show you're healthy

and your lawyer can't even lie to the jury.

Don't make any fast moves and wince a lot.

Ralph, I once told you to leave your brain to science.

Don't. It will only confuse 'em.

Oh, well. Hi, there, neighbor.

You shouldn't be doing that with your broken back

and sprained ankle.

Don't look, Harry. They're out there. They're out there.

Will you leave me alone? I'm fine!

You're blowin' our case.

Uh, the pain has affected the poor man's thinkin'.

The doctor told you not to mow the lawn

on those shattered legs.

Ralph.

Here let me help you with your broken

and torture wrecked body.

I wouldn't want you to fall and do yourself a damage.

Don't walk, Harry. Limp, limp.

Pull up the box of ammo and sit down.

Have you decided to come to your senses about that lawsuit?

You'll be happy to hear that I've decided

to call the insurance company and put in a claim.

Now, you're talking like a true blue American.

I'm asking for six dollars and 45 cents.

Good. Then you can... Huh?

Six dollars and forty five cents?

The cost of fixing my pants.

Harry, if you don't want the money for yourself

think of your country.

My country? What has America got to do with this?

With that money, the vigilantes can buy bazookas, motors, tanks.

We can be on the beach ready and waitin' to fight off

the Russkies when they try to invade.

You're nuts, Ralph.

Okay, settle for the six bucks.

So, me and the vigilantes don't get our weapons.

But when America falls, Harry Boyle

I want you to know it's your fault.

Ralph, all I did was tear my pants.

I'm not suing for an imaginary injury.

Bash

Ow!

Phew!

Now, what?

You brought the last of the red hot militants

to argue your cause?

Harry, I've been thinking.

You're a man of integrity and I admire that.

Thanks.

You don't wanna sue because you're

not really hurt, right?

Right.

Well, I've come up with a solution.

Hurt him, Whittaker.

Hai! Hai!

What the...

Boing

thud

No! Wait! No, no! Ow! Ooh, ooh. Take it easy.

Ah! Eeh! Ah!

Swoosh

crash

Oh, my arm.

Good work, Sergeant Whittaker. Neat. Very neat.

There may be an extra stripe on your arm for this.

Just one? I'd be happy to go for two. Hai!

Be steady, Whittaker. Knock it off.

Well, Harry, your problem is solved.

Now, you can sue that hotel with a clear conscience.

- Does it hurt, Harry? - Not as much as my pride.

It doesn't help a man's ego to be beaten up

by a 70 year old woman in surgical stockings.

And my big shot watch dog.

Where were you when I was being attacked?

[yawning]

[door bell ringing]

How do you do? I'm Donald Parks.

Insurance adjuster for the Mutual Casualty company.

- Come on in. - Thank you.

Sit down. Ooh! Oh!

Oh-oh, come on, Mr. Boyle, you're not going to give me

that cameo routine, are you?

I mean, all this phony suffering and pain.

I can see that obviously, home made sling on your arm.

I am wearing this home made sling

because I happen to have a sprained arm.

Of course, of course.

How come you overlooked the neck brace?

And the hip length cast on your leg?

Look, are we gonna get down to business or aren't we?

That's what I'm here for. Now, let's see.

How's about settling for a nice round figure of $500?

That's not the figure I had in mind.

Look, Mr. Boyle, I'm a very busy man.

Next to baseball, suing seems to be the national past time.

Let's close it here and now, I am willing to go to a 1 000.

Now you listen a minute, instead of coming up

with those ridiculous figures?

Oh, one of those, eh? Shooting for the moon.

Alright, I'll break company policy

and take it upon myself to go to 3000.

Mr. Parks, I know exactly what I want.

Five thousand and that's my final offer.

Well...

I'll be by first thing in the morning with the check.

Good day, Mr. Boyle. You drive a hard bargain.

What am I supposed to do?

You try to get six dollars and forty five cents.

And they make nothing but trouble.

That money can pay for a lot of things we need.

Besides Jamie's orthodonture work

we have been talking about repainting the house and also--

I know. I know. But, it just doesn't seem right.

That's a lot of bread.

And you're not really lying, papa.

You tried telling the man the truth

he just wouldn't listen.

Oh, I don't know.

Everything you say makes sense

and yet it doesn't make sense.

I gotta take a walk and think this out.

[barking]

No, you can't go with me this time, Julius.

This trip's for my problem.

[door opens and closes]

I can't take the money. It isn't honest.

You're absolutely right, Harry.

"Honesty is the best policy."

"Honesty is the best policy." What a corn ball that guy is.

A regular Lawrence Welk!

Don't listen to him.

You've been honest all your life.

Harry, you're 47 years old.

You've worked like a horse all your life.

And all you got to show for it

is a large mortgage, and fallen arches.

Well, you've got a point there.

You mustn't do it, Harry.

You'll only end up living where he does.

Hey, it looks like rain.

Bam

You tricked me. You didn't fight fair.

I'm a devil. How fair you expect me to fight?

Now, listen to me, Harry. Wise up.

Everybody does it. Take the money.

I've decided to take the money, Irma.

Well, what made you change your mind?

Well, I did a lot of thinking.

Everybody else grabs from the insurance companies.

Why should I be Mr. Integrity?

[Irma] Well, it'll help us pay some bills.

[Harry] Right. It's time we got on the gravy train.

♪♪

[Jamie groaning]

- Jamie, what happened? - Don't worry, pop.

I'm just rehearsing.

What're you talking about?

You know the Harpers down the block?

I tripped on their kid's skate board.

- How did you do that? - It wasn't easy.

I waited for two hours for him to leave it on the sidewalk.

- You did it intentionally? - You'd have been proud, pop.

[Jamie] I was rolling around like Marlon Brando.

Oh, Jamie, listen--

I got the name of their insurance company.

Do you think I ought to hire your lawyer?

Or should I go all out and try for Melvin Belli?

Jamie, you can't be serious.

I'm an innocent looking seven-year-old kid.

What jury wouldn't believe me?

If you can get five grand. I'm good for a fortune.

Thanks to you, pop. This family's really going places.

♪♪

[snoring]

[Jamie] This family's really going places.

This family's really going places.

Is everybody ready?

Right, ma, let's go.

[tires screeching]

Bam

♪♪

[Irma] Good boy.

[horn blaring]

Bow wow wow

[Jamie] Good doggie.

[horn honks]

Good girl.

We ought to get at least to 20 G's settlement on that.

Knock knock knock

I'll take that, widow Brown.

And here's the deed for your oil well.

You're doing the right thing

trusting me with your life savings.

He he he!

Where's Big Chet?

He had a stop to make a withdrawal at the bank.

[alarm ringing]

[Irma] That's my boy.

[tires screeching]

You all did beautiful.

This family is really going places.

And we owe it all to the example set by him.

Our beloved godfather.

It's late.

You don't think that insurance guy

changed his mind, do you, mom?

I already got an estimate on repainting the house.

And it's a little more than I expected.

But with the extra money coming, it won't be any problem.

[door bell ringing]

That must be him.

Hi, come on in.

Good morning, Mr. Boyle.

- Morning. - Here's your check.

I'm certainly glad we could bring this matter

to a satisfactory...

Harry, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm tearing up the check.

- I don't understand. - The case is closed.

I wasn't hurt and I don't want your money.

Goodbye.

An honest man.

I hope this isn't contagious.

It could put me out of a job.

- Pop, what got into you? - It's very simple.

I decided to go back to being a father

and set an example for my family.

If you want money, you earn it honestly.

You don't cheat, and you kids remember that, always.

Yes, papa.

I couldn't do it, Irma.

I'd guess I knew all along you wouldn't.

But yesterday for a little while

you were ready to take the money, Harry. How come?

You won't believe it, Irma, but the devil made me do it.

[laughing]

Oh, I knew you'd come through.

I'm proud of you, Harry.

Thanks.

A virtuous man is a happy man.

A clear conscience is better

than all the riches in the world.

You know something, you're a nice guy

and a great influence.

But the devil is right about one thing

you are a corn ball.

[theme music]