Original subtitles

Alice, lay it on me again.

Now, just why is it you wanna leave school

to live on a farm?

Because you can't really learn about life

from a school teacher.

You're not gonna get too many hot tips

from a cow either.

I'm sorry if it upsets you.

It's not just me. I'm thinking of your mother.

Why, I wouldn't be surprised if her mind snapped completely

when she finally realizes she put in ten years

with a PTA for nothing.

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait 'til your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait 'til your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait 'til you father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

You're sure in a good mood today, Harry.

You make a big business deal, huh?

Something even better.

My Alice got straight A's on her report card.

- How about that? - Hey, great!

You must be as proud of her as I am

with my boy at military school.

He got straight A's too?

Mmh, no, he failed every subject

but he got his marksmanship medal.

This is where we're havin' lunch?

Yup. Best Chinese food in town.

No dice. I ain't gonna eat nothing

cooked by the yellow peril.

- Yellow peril? - Remember Pearl Harbor?

Ralph, that wasn't the Chinese, that was the Japanese.

Same-o, same-o.

Besides, I stay away from all foreign foods.

Hungarian goulash, Swiss stakes, Swedish meatballs

English muffins, French fries...

But you eat lots of pizza.

That's different. I happen to love them.

So I've given the Italians amnesty.

Chinese food, never.

Now, find me a nice patriotic pancake house.

Okay. Too bad though.

- I was gonna buy today. - You were?

Well, on second thought, I can't let you go

into a trouble spot like this alone.

I'll have the Mandarin duck

and a side order of egg rolls, please.

Very good. And you, sir?

One good old American hot dog.

I'm sorry, we don't have hot dogs.

Okay, then just give me a slice of homemade apple pie.

We don't have apple pie either.

See what I mean, Harry? Huh? Huh?

Subversive all the way.

Bring him what I'm having, huh?

With hash browns and coffee.

You know, I'm so proud of Alice

I think I'll buy her a present to show--

- What are those, Harry? - Cookies.

[Ralph] They can't be cookies. They don't have raisins.

They're called fortune cookies, you see?

Keep talking, Harry. I'm onto something.

There's a secret message inside.

- Ralph, those are just-- - This is big, Harry.

El big-o.

We've intercepted a drop for enemy agents.

I better get these right back to vigilante headquarters.

Ralph, will you just relax?

Yeah, we got them just in time. Now, listen to this.

"Fond hopes will be realized tomorrow."

Translation, we attack at dawn.

Give me coverin' fire, I'll try to make it to the door.

Hi, boys. Is Alice home?

- She's up in her room. - Oh, good.

I have a little surprise for her.

Uh, pop, I was thinking of

getting a fur seat for my chopper.

You wouldn't be willing to advance me

an extra ten bucks, would you?

Sure, why not?

I wouldn't dream of having my son

riding around on a cold seat.

Gee, he didn't even argue.

I don't know what kind of trip he's on.

But I should've hit him for twenty before he comes back.

Your father is home.

Alice, I know he's not going to approve.

I'm sorry, but my mind's made up.

I'm going to go live in a commune.

But you don't know anything about farming.

I can learn.

I wanna be where I can dig into the soil.

And feel the rain in my face and hear the thunder.

If I know your father

you'll hear plenty of thunder right here.

- Hi, papa. - Hi.

I got a little surprise for you.

And she's got one for you.

Wait, don't tell me. You got a scholarship.

You're going to the university and really dig into the books.

Uh, n-not exactly.

Although the part about the digging was close.

Well, my surprise comes first.

Here's that frilly night gown you've been wanting.

Oh, thank you, papa. But...

Well, because of the rules

I won't be able to wear that where I'm going.

I don't get it. You mean there's a college

where they won't let you wear pajama?

I'm not going to a college.

I'm going to the World of Love Back to Nature Commune.

The what?

I wanna grow vegetables with my hands

and lead a simple farm life as nature intended.

I know you'll understand.

Pa, I really could use some fur grips

for the handle bars too.

We can talk about it later.

Irma, what's the meaning of this?

I guess he just wants to keep his hands warm.

Not that! About your daughter going to a commune.

She wants her hands in the soil.

Oh, beautiful. A girl with five A's

and her only ambition is to be in the finals

of a mud pie bake-off.

The thing is, she wants to live outdoors.

Why didn't she tell us that last month

before we had her room painted?

Well, you know teenagers.

No, I don't.

Alice, lay it on me again.

Now, just why is it you wanna leave school

to live on a farm?

Because you can't really learn about life

from a school teacher.

You're not gonna get too many hot tips

from a cow either.

I'm sorry if it upsets you.

It's not just me.

I'm thinking of your mother.

Why, I wouldn't be surprised if her mind snapped completely

when she finally realizes

she put in ten years with a PTA for nothing.

I really like the challenge of using just my bare hands

to bring order out of the tangled wilderness.

Can't you get the same feeling by cleaning your room?

Try to be patient, dear.

Girls do different things today.

Well, that's just it!

With all the equal rights for women and, and her mind

she could be anything.

A doctor, a lawyer, the President.

So, what does she decide on?

Meet my daughter with a straight A average.

Alice, the pea-picker.

I think what appeals to her about the commune

is all the sharing.

- Sharing? - They share everything.

There's nothing wrong with that.

No, I suppose not.

Commune meeting will come to order.

Any new business?

Uh, someone sent in a sack of potatoes.

According to our rules, we'll share it.

And we also received a trunk full of white cloves.

According to our rules, we'll share it.

We also have a new member, Alice Boyle.

So, according to our rules...

- No, you don't! - What is it, Harry?

There'll be no Commune for my daughter.

Honey, you know I love you.

And I only want what's best for you.

I know that, daddy.

Well, then let's talk this out rationally, huh?

Without flying off the handle. Okay?

Okay.

You're a stubborn, unreasonable kid

without an ounce of common sense in your head.

And you're a futty-dutty father

who's still living in the dark ages.

Show a little respect.

Don't yell at me while I'm screaming.

But Rita's parents are letting her go.

I'm through talking.

- Now, it's time for action. - What do you mean?

I'm locking the door, and your next meal

is coming in through the key hole.

Can I get you a tranquilizer, dear?

No. It'll interfere with my nervous breakdown.

You should've heard her great argument.

"Rita's parents are letting her go."

Harry, maybe that's the answer.

- What? - Rita's parents.

If we can talk them into keeping Rita home

then Alice probably won't go.

But how? We don't even know them.

We'll just call them and go over there.

They're parents too.

So they must be just as concerned

about their daughter as we are about ours.

Rita? Who's Rita?

- Our daughter, dear. - Oh, yes, of course.

So, Sharon is your daughter by your former marriage.

And Rochelle and Sidney are my daughters

by my two previous marriages.

Excuse us. It does get confusing at times.

But getting back to Rita, what did you want to talk about?

Well, we understand she and our Alice

are going to live in a commune.

And frankly, we're worried about it.

- Well, we're worried too. - You are?

Yes. We were hoping she'd go to

a group encounter session at Big Sur.

Communes are rather passe.

But she's just a child

and I suppose she must start somewhere.

Another martini, darling?

Love one, precious.

You people haven't touched your drinks.

Oh...

Bye. I'm leaving for the commune.

Yeah, have fun, Sharon.

- I'm Rita. - Oh, yeah.

Are you taking the Jag?

No, I'm gonna hitch hike.

[Rita's mom] Marvelous idea.

It'll give you the total experience.

[Irma] They didn't seem to care at all, Harry.

What kind of parents are they?

I don't know.

But I bet they have an X-rated family album.

You can't blame Rita.

She's just a product of that kind of home.

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

Our Alice isn't endorsing the product.

- Harry, you're going too far. - It's for her own good.

Just locking her door isn't enough.

I'm gonna nail it shut

till she gets over this craziness.

She's gone!

Whether we like it or not, Irma

our only daughter is now a sharecropper.

[Harry] I see. Well, thank you, officer.

Yes, we'll be here.

Well, the highway patrol still hasn't spotted her.

Poor Alice.

What about poor Alice's parents?

Waiting around all night for the phone to ring

isn't my idea of fun and balloons.

She probably got to the commune alright.

Well, we don't even know where it is.

You know, if the government really wanted to

protect consumers they should

change the marriage licenses.

Marriage licenses?

And put on it, in great big letters

"Warning, having children is dangerous to your health."

How do you find a commune?

Look it up in the Yellow Pages under dirt?

Thud

Jamie's up. How can we explain this to him?

Well, just tell him the truth, I guess.

But he and Alice were very close.

It'll be a terrible, traumatic shock to him.

Alice's door is broken.

And she's not in her room.

Look, son, you see--

Did she run away to that commune?

[Harry] Well, we're not certain.

But she's gone. Alice is gone, isn't she, pop?

Yes, but--

Then, can I have her swim fins.

Her swim fins?

I know where she keeps 'em.

The only problem that kid will have

will be if those fins don't fit him.

[Jamie] I'm sure it'll be okay.

She won't be able to use them in Pottsville.

- Pottsville? - That's where the commune is.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Let's see. Pottsville, I take route 95.

Company B rescue unit, reporting to get your daughter

out of that no-good commune.

How did you know about it?

Well, we're listenin' to phone calls

so we can protect people's privacy.

Now, look, I don't need help. I can handle this by myself.

You can't, Harry. You got guts, I like that in a man

but you don't know what you're gettin' into.

What do you mean?

Put on the old thinking cap, Harry.

The word commune, where does it come from?

Commu-nist. Your daughter is a prisoner

in a Ruski concentration camp.

Oh, come on now, Ralph.

How can there be any Russian camps in California?

Easy. Just think of the map.

From Siberia, they come over to Alaska in kayaks

and from there, California

is a easy downhill ride all the way.

So why don't they stop in Washington

or Oregon? They're nearer.

Because the climate and schools are better here.

Tell you what, we'll go in your car.

I'll get in front. Sergeant Whittaker can

sit on top and ride shotgun.

Off you go, Whittaker. Alleyoop.

Forget it, Ralph.

Now you stay here and mind the falls.

I thought we were gonna have fun and meet lots of boys.

But so far, all we've been shaking hands with, are radish.

Part of commune living, I suppose.

Getting close to the earth.

I didn't think we'd have to get this close.

My children, you mustn't cease working.

But it must be about lunch time anyway.

L-Lunch? No.

We do not take time for lunch.

But-but we didn't even have breakfast.

Work is more important than food to sustain the spirit.

However, tonight, you will share a communal bowl of rice.

Just rice?

Oh, no. Water too.

Now, keep working. And do not bruise the radishes.

Oh, it's murder out in those cockamamie fields today.

Charlie, get me out of this robe fast

before I have a heat stroke.

Ah, yeah, boss.

What a darn corset.

Ah good news, boss. We just got an order for

five more car loads of radishes

from an Eastern super market chain.

I hope we can fill it.

I may have to figure out some philosophical jazz

to put those kids on night shifts.

Alright!

Who's the joker who made the salad?

You know I can't stand radishes.

Ah, boss, you expecting someone?

Yeah, Willy the guru from the Fresno farm.

I wanna trade some of our rookie pickers for a good left hander.

Ah, this ain't Willy. It's a big guy.

Oh, a new drop out, huh? Has he got good hands?

Ah, he's not a drop out. He's wearing a suit.

Oh, a parent. Here, help me into this.

Listen, I-if you put on much more weight

you're gonna need blowout patches on this girdle.

Funny! funny!

- Love is good. - Likewise.

I'm looking for Alice Boyle.

This is her picture. Is she here?

Yes, I believe so.

I suppose you're gonna try and stop me from talking to her.

Not at all. We welcome visitors.

You do?

You'll find her right up the road.

Ah, why didn't you stop him?

He's working for us.

A saw-head parent always makes the kid

stay here twice as long. I bet you five bucks

I can tell you the first thing he'll say to her.

- Ah, you got a bet. - What?

- Alice? - Papa.

I hope you realize what this is doing to your mother.

I'm sorry, but I have to think of myself too.

Here, each person can develop her own individual identity

and be different from the others.

Right, girls?

You don't suppose you could pick while you're talking.

I'm only saying, the best things in life are free.

Like friendship and love.

Sure, love is wonderful.

You're gonna go around smiling at everybody.

That's free. No money required, huh?

Well, you're forgetting one thing.

That smile of yours cost me $1100 in orthodontics.

Eleven hundred!

I'm gonna quit radishes and get into teeth.

I'm sorry.

Look, let's talk about it over lunch.

- Lunch? - Lunch?

I-I-look, we've done away

with the depraved lunch habit here.

Everybody insisted.

Look, why don't you communicate

with your daughter on her level?

Bend down, pick a few bushes together.

Ah, I guess there's nothing to talk about, honey.

If you're really happy, that's all I can wish for you.

I hate to see you leave empty-handed.

Why not take along a box of radishes?

You get a family discount.

Pick. Pick! Pick!

[Irma] But she is alright?

Physically, yes. Mentally, she's a basket case.

Imagine, wanting to be in a place like that.

I hear you went to the commune, pa.

What is this?

Still in your pajamas at one in the afternoon.

I was up late playing my stereo.

I wish I had gone with you to get Alice.

So do I.

Maybe they would've taken you as a trade-in.

Did Alice come back with you?

If you mean, can you keep the swim fins

the answer is yes.

Now, Harry, he didn't mean that.

Ah, I suppose not. I'm sorry, boys.

I'm upset and I haven't had any sleep.

I know you're both concerned, as we are, about your sister

but she's okay.

And what's more? My bet is that

she'll be back with us tomorrow.

I have devised a secret weapon.

You're gonna bomb out again, Harry.

Gettin' your daughter out of that enemy camp

is a job only for highly trained professionals

such as which I happen to be.

Well, thanks anyway, Ralph.

But that fishing pole and little bait

is all I need to get Alice back.

Whittaker, get the jeep. We've got to follow him.

A fishing pole? Poor Harry's brain is rotting away

from all that sweet and sour sauce.

You gotta stop driving through

people's bushes and gardens, Whittaker.

It scratches the paint.

Okay, fire weapon number one.

Put on the steaks.

Drive a little further, Whittaker.

Wait, there he is. They're cooking lunch.

He chickened out. Well, I'll have to take over.

I'll sneak into the camp disguised as a member.

How?

Those communes are all nudist colonies.

I can get in easy by going naked.

Then I'll go with you.

Those commies will freak out

when they see my fantastic bod.

Negative, sergeant. This is a job for a man.

Who's to know?

Sorry, Whittaker, you're a no show.

Take the jeep back into town.

Okay, but watch out for porcupines.

What is it?

I must be cracking up.

I smell a steak cooking.

Hi, Alice.

What are you all doing here?

Nothing. Little picnic.

Wanna join us for a little juicy, sizzling, top sirloin?

Oh, but I can't.

The guru would never approve.

Oh, forget him. He's a phony.

No, he's not.

He sacrifices like we do.

I must be strong for him.

Now, the clincher.

Weapon number two. Get the fishing pole.

Greetings, commie comrades.

Say, I wonder if you know where I could find a girl named...

You're wearing clothes.

Everybody's wearing clothes!

Ouch! Oh! Ouch!

Who was that? And what happened to you?

Uh... Nothing. I just saw a steak.

I mean, a snake.

Don't let it bother you.

What's that?

My new night gown.

My soft, frilly, cuddly, new night gown.

Hey, please, please, t-take away the radishes.

M-my hay fever...

A-a-achoo!

Papa was right. You are a phony.

Well, it's my fault if my metabolism changes?

Did you bring the ketchup?

Mm, delicious.

Now, we can go home, all of us.

I'll haul down the night gown.

Psst. Harry uh, can I get a ride home with you?

What are you doing here?

It's a long story.

Somebody stole my clothes, but luckily

I was able to find something else.

What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen

a freedom fighter before?