Original subtitles

And to think I bought this for a pleasure car.

Has your sister got her learner's permit?

Yeah. I guess they give 'em to anybody.

It's an attack!

To arms, to arms. The Russians are coming.

- Which way did they go? - That way.

Whittaker, those are my next door neighbors.

- Let's grab 'em. - No, Whittaker. Stop.

Thud

Why, commander, this is so sudden.

Whittaker, you're a menace.

You bent my whistle.

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fight ♪

♪ Just wait 'til your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait 'til your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Attention, Boyle family. Front and center.

The master has an important announcement to make.

You will all observe what I hold in my hand.

What is it, pop?

This, my son, is called a check.

It's a way of exchanging money.

Something you wouldn't know about

since you've never earned any.

What's so important about a check?

What's so important?

It only happens to be the last payment

of our 20 years' mortgage.

Oh, Harry.

I didn't realize today was the day.

Yup, Irma. We no longer share this house with the bank.

It belongs to just us and the termites.

No more of those back-breaking monthly payments.

Hey, now you'll be able to raise my allowance.

I knew we could count on him.

I wouldn't know what to do with the extra money

and he solved my problem.

You're not getting any extra benefits either.

You're eating like a Saint Bernard already.

Well, I'm going to the bank and bid the loan department

a happy goodbye forever.

- Can I drive you, papa? - No, thanks.

I was sort of hoping to arrive there in one piece.

Typical male chauvinist attitude.

You think I'm a bad driver just because I'm a woman.

No. I think you're a bad driver because you're a bad driver.

Harry, she needs all the practice she can get.

She's gonna be 16 soon and taking her driving test.

Okay, okay.

Oh, thanks. I'll go get my learner's permit.

Wanna borrow my crash helmet, pops?

No. I'll just rely on prayer.

Bye, dear. And be patient with Alice.

By the way, my will's in the bottom drawer of my desk.

- What are you making? - Dragon's teeth.

We need road blocks to stop any Ruski tank attacks.

Russian tanks have been spotted in the neighborhood?

Look, Harry. I got the facts.

You know them Ruski ballet dancers

that's splitting around the country?

Yeah.

Well, what they're actually here for

is to smuggle in tank parts.

Where do they hide these parts, Ralph?

In their tights?

Well, the fat ones do.

For people loaded down with tank parts

how do you explain their being so light on their feet?

It's the ball bearings.

Ralph, I think you're ready for a brain transplant.

[Alice] I'm ready, daddy.

Okay. Pull the car out of the garage.

Crash

Reverse is the one marked R.

[Alice] Thanks, papa.

Did I back up alright?

You're ready for the Indianapolis 500.

All clear behind.

Here we go.

Crash

Easy, Alice. Will you try and keep in your own lane?

It's traditional.

Please, papa. You're making me nervous.

What do you think I am?

I feel safer walking on the freeway.

There. How is that for parking, papa?

Not bad. It's only a short walk to the curb.

Here you are, Mr. Boyle. Your mortgage paid in full.

Ah, it was a tough fight, but I won.

Yes. Now, how much do you wanna borrow?

Oh, thanks. No more borrowing.

I wanna stay free and clear.

Do I understand you correctly?

You intend to go through the rest of your life

not owing money?

That's the general idea.

But it's un-American.

The greatness of this country was built on people

going into debt over their head.

Owing money is our way of life.

Sorry, all I know is I'm a happy man today.

Goodbye, Mr. Hastings.

See if you get a calendar from us this Christmas.

Is that so?

I had no idea Alice is going to be 16.

Yes. Heh. Time really flies.

We had a fabulous sweet 16 party for our Dorothea.

- Catered, of course. - Oh?

We covered the pool, and had this gigantic tent.

The flowers, the food, the music.

It was exquisite.

Must've had over a 100 guests.

How many do you plan, dear?

Well... we haven't finished the list yet.

The party was shamefully expensive.

But my husband was so understanding.

I'm sure your Harry will be too.

Harry? Of course.

I'll just show him the bills, and he'll accept them

as graciously as he always does.

Uh, oh.

I'll call my caterer Winston.

You simply got to use him. He is the best.

- Oh, well I don't know. - He may not be available.

And to think I bought this for a pleasure car.

Has your sister got her learner's permit?

Yeah. I guess they give 'em to anybody.

It's an attack.

To arms, to arms. The Russians are coming.

Mayday, mayday. Red alert.

Commie attack.

- Which way did they go? - That way.

Whittaker, those are my next door neighbors.

The Reds have infiltrated that close, eh?

Well, let's grab 'em.

No, Whittaker. Stop.

Thud

Why, commander, this is so sudden.

if you wanna smooch

why don't we just drive up to the duck pond?

Whittaker, you're a menace.

You bent my whistle.

Hi, honey. Uh, where's Alice?

Out nailing the garage back together.

You know, dear, it seems like only yesterday

she was just a little girl.

It's hard to believe she's going to be 16.

What's hard to believe?

In just a half hours drive, I aged ten years.

[Irma chuckles] U-uh, what I mean, Harry is that

it's a very important birthday to a girl.

And I think we oughta have a party.

Sure. Birthday cake, lots of ice cream.

Play Pin The Tail On The Donkey.

Pin The Tail On The Donkey?

Harry, she's grown up now.

Okay. We'll get an older donkey.

Are you relaxed, dear?

Mmm. What a touch.

I couldn't enjoy it more

if you were 20 years younger and Swedish.

- Honey. - Yeah?

About Alice's party. It is a special occasion.

And I think we oughta have something nice.

I couldn't agree more.

We'll throw in some fruit punch with the ice cream.

What I actually had in mind was... a catered affair.

Catered affair?

All of a sudden, I'm not relaxed anymore.

Harry, a girl is only sweet 16 once.

She was only born once, but we didn't have that catered.

Harry, look what I found.

[Harry gargling] What?

You just got to see these pictures of Alice.

They're just precious.

- Here? - Uh, look at this one.

And this is when she had her third birthday party.

Remember?

And will you ever forget this one?

Her first pony ride.

She was cute.

Yeah. She was cute.

- Then, Harry-- - No, no.

Your sneaky trip down memory lane isn't gonna work.

No caterer.

Harry.

No.

But he's gonna be here tomorrow.

- Who? - Winston.

Oh.

Winston? What's a Winston?

The caterer. Mrs. Pairie made the appointment.

Then let Mrs. Pairie see him.

Harry, he's coming and it won't hurt to just talk to him.

Okay, okay, I'll talk to Winston.

Thanks, dear.

Oh, no.

- Hello. - Harry, everything okay there?

Of course everything's okay. Why?

You sure you're not in trouble?

What are you talking about?

Saw your lights flashing on and off.

I figured the Commies overpowered you

and they're signaling their subs at sea.

Go to bed, Ralph.

Hi there. I'm Winston.

Oh. Please come in.

Oh, you must be the sweet 16 girl.

Heavens, no. I'm the mother.

Really? I never would've dreamed.

- Uh, this is my daughter. - How do you do?

Ah. isn't she lovely?

A bud blossoming into womanhood.

We must give her a party befitting her grace and beauty.

- Harry, the caterer is here. - Coming.

Please be patient with my husband.

He's not completely sold on the idea of a catered party.

Oh, don't worry. I get along very well with fellas.

Ah, the father.

- How do you do? - Hi.

Uh, look. I've been thinking.

Alice is my only daughter and she should have

a great party, so... well, I'm willing to go along with this.

- Oh, thank you, daddy. - That's wonderful, Harry.

You've made the right decision, Mr. Boyle.

Yup. I've decided to go all out.

I'm gonna give you a $150 to work with. Sway.

Thud

Well, if a 150 isn't enough

I-I'm willing to go a little higher.

But I don't want this party to get out of line.

Oh, have no fear, Mr. Boyle. I'm very aware of costs.

And we'll cut corners wherever we can.

[Winston] Oh, the setting is perfect.

We can turn this into a veritable tropical garden.

African violets, birds of paradise

and orchids everywhere.

Wait. We need a theme for the party.

Ah! I've got it. The Roman era.

- Roman? - Sure.

With your daughter's divine statuesque figure

she'd make a perfect Venus. Goddess of love.

Ooh, I love the idea.

And you my dear, would make an exquisite Minerva.

Goddess of wisdom.

And I'm gonna make a wonderful Pete the Tramp.

God of the paupers.

I see it all now.

We recreate an authentic Roman garden.

A small reflecting pond

covered with floating lotus blossoms.

Roman garden?

How much is this gonna cost?

Not to worry, Mr. Boyle. Not to worry.

There'll be flaming torches all over.

The dance floor here

the buffet table will go right over there

and the orchestra stands over there for the two bands.

- Two bands? - Oh, it's a must.

A rock group for the young people

and a dance band for the adults.

Oh, naturally. And while we're at it

why not a revolving band stand?

Now, Mr. Boyle.

Remember, we're cutting corners.

Some corners he's cutting. So far, we're up to $800.

Cocktail Franks and meatballs aren't good enough for him.

No. He has to have imported Australian lobster tail chunks

a-and caviar. Now that comes to 50 cents an hors d'oeuvre

and it doesn't even include the toothpick.

Harry, if you wanna check the invitation list

and see if we've left anybody out?

Is this a guest list, or the latest

United States census?

Well, Alice has a lot of friends and so do we.

We can't hurt anybody's feelings.

At 50 cents an hors d'oeuvre, we can't.

- And who's Dr. Ridgeland? - Alice's orthodontist.

- What do we need him for? - He fixed Alice's teeth.

How would it look if he wasn't at her sweet 16?

You might as well invite the pediatrician and obstetrician.

I did. Their names are right there.

[Ralph] Roman theme, huh?

Sounds to me like an orgy, Harry. An orgy.

All I know is the money is adding up.

Have you checked out this Winston?

He sounds like a degenerate pinko to me.

Believe me, Ralph, with the prices he's charging

he's definitely a capitalist.

I shudder to think of the cost of the caviar alone.

Caviar? That's bad news, Harry. El bado.

Expensive too.

I don't mean that. That's Ruski food.

You know what caviar is, don't you?

Sure. Fish eggs.

That's what the commies want you to think.

- They're really human cells. - What?

That's right. We eat 'em, the cells grow, take over our bodies

and before you know, we're all Ruskies.

That's why they call it the internal revolution.

Ralph, you've got a one track mind

and it's derailed.

- What's going on? - Aren't they beautiful, dear?

Winston thought we should have special gowns

to fit the Roman theme.

- How much? - Only $200.

Oh, great. We're up to a $1,000 now.

- Um... it is $1,300, dear. - What?

Well, Winston hired a photographer to

take movies of the party.

It'll be something we can treasure

for the rest of our lives.

Oh, it'll be a day to remember alright.

Her sweet 16 party and my bankruptcy.

- Harry! - Irma.

We didn't spend this much on our wedding

and our honeymoon, which was six full days in Hawaii.

Oh, good. You're home.

You can start measuring now, Alex.

- Measuring? For what? - My final touch.

When you make your grand entrance with Alice

you and your two sons will be wearing matching togas.

And this is my final touch.

You and your friends will now make your grand exit.

Right out that door.

- But-- - Out, out.

It's all off. Everybody out.

Some people just don't know how to give a party.

Alice, I-I didn't mean to be so rough.

- I just-- - It's alright, father.

I understand.

Well, you can still have a party.

It just doesn't have to--

How do kids work it? You can be so right

and they make you feel so wrong.

It wasn't my fault, Julius.

That crazy caterer pushed me too far and I lost my temper.

Now you understand that, don't you?

Man's best friend. That's a laugh.

Pop, when you drive to work tomorrow, will you drop me off

at the Albright Employment Agency?

Sure.

The house must be haunted.

I heard a voice say "employment agency."

Well, I figured it's about time I got a job.

Your lips are moving. The voice must be coming from you.

I really mean it, pop. I wanna go to work.

What brought this on? Did you have a personality transplant?

When I realized you couldn't afford to give a decent party

for a sweet kid like Alice, I knew you'd need

all the financial help you can get.

Alright, alright. The message is coming through loud and clear.

Attention, Boyle family. Front and center.

Once again, the family and I have had a little disagreement.

And once again, the family has won.

Irma, call Winston. The party's on.

- Hi, Mr. Hastings. - Ooh, Mr. Boyle.

I'd given you up for loss.

Yeah, well, I'm here to apply for a loan.

Oh, sit down. Sit down. This is a great moment.

I knew you'd realize your patriotic obligation.

I have to be patriotic.

I'm a father with a teenage daughter.

Yes. Now, how much would you like to borrow?

- Fifteen hundred dollars. - That's all?

Remember we must stay over our heads, Mr. Boyle.

Over our heads. Shall we say $20,000?

- All I want is $1,500. - Well, very well.

But for that sum, we're not going to validate

your parking ticket.

- How's the orgy coming, Harry? - Behind schedule, I'm afraid.

Orgy? Did I hear someone say orgy?

Ooh-hoo-hoo. Where is it? How do I get in on it?

Get back to guard duty, sergeant.

Oh, I never have any fun.

Hey, Harry, you're gonna have a lot of kids

at this orgy, ain't you?

Ralph, it's not an orgy. It's a sweet 16 party.

Okay, okay. But there's gonna be a lot of high school kids.

- Right? Right? - Of course.

I'd like your permission to bug the tables.

What?

There'll be a certain percent of them commie.

Commie?

I think our latest figure is, uh, 32.4.

You know, Ralph, they just don't make men like you anymore.

- They don't, huh? - No.

They found out what they were doing wrong and quit.

- Hi. - Hello, dear.

Where's all the action? I thought they're supposed to be

setting up for the party.

There's not going to be any party daddy.

- Huh? - Alice decided to call it off.

Call it off? Why?

Well, I've been thinking about it.

Big splashy parties are so gouache.

Oh, t-they're really not for me.

Alice, who are you kidding?

I know you had your heart set on that party.

Now why did you call it off?

Papa, when I heard that you had to go to the bank

and borrow money to pay for it, I suddenly realized

how selfish I was.

I don't want you to go into debt because of me.

- Honey, it's alright. - No, it's not alright.

You wouldn't have done it if you didn't love me.

And I don't need an expensive party to know that you do.

Alice is just having her friends over

for a little get-together.

Yeah, and definitely not catered.

Now wait a minute. That sounds a little skimpy

for my daughter's sweet 16 party.

Can I at least spring for a rock band?

You kids still dance, don't you?

Alright.

And a couple of platters of delicatessen.

- If it'll make you happy. - It'll make me happy.

Daddy, I love you.

There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for you.

- Nothing? - Mm-mm.

Would you consider giving up driving?

Well, they seem to be having a ball.

Yeah. It just shows you kids today

know how to have fun without a Winston.

Would you care to dance, Mr. Boyle?

Why not, Mrs. Boyle?

I think we can keep up with them.

Wait a minute, I'll be right back.

- Ralph, Whittaker. - Shh. We're infiltrating.

Hey, what happened to the Roman orgy?

They're dressed like Americans.

And you two are dressed like nuts.

Now will you get outta here?

Come on, let's wander around anyway.

I got the mic hidden. If they talk into my toga

I can pick up all the submersive talk.

- Out. - Okay, okay.

Let's go. He don't wanna co-operate.

Commander, as long as we're not staying

why don't we just run up to the duck pond?

[Ralph] Knock it off, Whittaker. Knock it off.