Original subtitles

Now, let's see. How-how do I start?

You tie that little rubber thing around the arm.

Oh, thank you.

- My arm. - Sorry.

Everybody else gets Chad Everett.

I had to get him.

We finally found the vein.

It's coming out.

I thought you wanted a sample, I didn't ask you to fill her up.

Don't look, Mr. Boyle.

Sometimes the sight of blood

makes the patient faint.

Boing

Nurse! Nurse!

toink

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Screech

rizzz

Hey, what's goin' on? You're blocking my driveway.

Don't blame us, Mac.

The city tells us to dig, we dig.

There must be a guy at city hall who says

"Let's find a street that's paved and make a hole in it."

rizzz

I know I'm eight days behind on deliveries

but the dock strike was just settled yesterday.

Your order will go out

as soon as my driver gets back with the truck.

Screech

crash

He just got back.

How could you miss that hole?

Ha ha ha, he didn't.

Swiveled right into it.

- Well, so long, Mac. - Where're you going?

We found out they gave us the wrong street.

We're supposed to be digging up Fourth and Main.

Well, no harm done.

Good, you're home.

You've got to talk to your daughter.

She won't listen to me.

Please, Irma. Don't hit me with any crisis.

I had more troubles today than Howard Hughes has hideouts.

- I don't know why I can't go. - Go where?

She and her girlfriend Ria wanna go up to the mountains

this weekend with a couple of boys.

- What? - It's just a camping trip.

We'll have our tent and they'll have theirs.

Forget it.

Didn't you go away with girls when you were young?

Uh-huh. And that's why you're not going.

You're as bad as mama.

What's wrong with parents today?

I'll tell you what's wrong with parents today.

We had children yesterday.

I never have any fun.

You drive me up the wall when I come home every night.

Isn't that enjoyment enough?

Now will you stop bugging me and let me...

Oh! Ah!

Harry!

Harry!

Does it still hurt?

Yeah, right in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe dad has an ulcer.

Don't be silly, Jamie.

People only get ulcers from tension.

What tensions does papa have?

Maybe I better call the doctor.

Oh, it's not that bad. I-I don't need a doctor.

Hey, great news, pop.

I just had an interview for a job

at Donovan's employment agency.

- Any luck? - Yeah. They turned me down.

Irma, call the doctor.

Dr. Lowell, please.

This is a recording.

Dr. Lowell is on a Caribbean cruise.

Please call his associate Dr. Bowman at 555-4191.

Dr. Bowman is at a bridge tournament in Honolulu.

Please call his standby Dr. Parks at 555-6659.

Dr. Parks is on an elephant safari in Kenya.

Taking his calls is Dr. Frank

who can be reached at municipal court.

He's being sued for malpractice.

- This is ridiculous. - Now, Harry, calm down.

Doctors are very busy men these days.

Yeah, making recordings.

The last one I didn't believe.

A tape telling you to take two aspirins.

Now, honey, I'm sure we'll--

Dr. Shane?

How did you ever get through to me?

Harry, I've reached a doctor!

A real live one?

He doesn't spin around on a turntable?

This is Mrs. Boyle.

My husband has a bad stomach ache.

And I was wondering if you could come over.

I'm sorry, I don't make house calls.

He doesn't make house calls.

Ask him if he'll meet me in front of a drug store.

Dr. Shane, this is an emergency.

Oh, emergency, huh?

How about the second Tuesday of next month?

Please, he's suffering.

Alright, have him come to my office tomorrow. Bye.

I still don't know how she reached me.

I've got to switch to an unlisted tape recorder.

Just strip down to your shorts.

The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.

A few minutes?

It's been over an hour.

They have it timed perfectly here.

The doctor doesn't get here till you catch pneumonia.

Then they're sure of a serious case.

Well, well, how are we this morning?

Lousy, and it's the afternoon.

Oh. I've been running a little late.

Oh that's alright.

I've been keeping busy, turning blue.

Stomach problems, hmm?

Exactly where does it hurt?

Well, it's right around--

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh yes. Uh-huh.

Hundred thousand down and a seven percent mortgage?

That's an even better deal than my apartment house, grab it.

I need another tax shelter.

Now, where did you say the pain was?

Right here in the--

Excuse me.

Hello?

Three hundred acres near Bakersfield?

Make a bid. I hear they're gonna zone it for heavy industry.

Now where are you getting these chest pains?

- Stomach. - Oh. Tell you what.

We'll shoot you into a hospital for a couple days

and run a complete series of tests.

[Harry] A hospital? But my business!

A man shouldn't just think of business.

Penthouse Gardens hospital? Dr. Shane.

I wanna reserve a private room for a Mr. Harry Boyle.

- Private room? - Mm-hmm.

I hate to go into wards. It depresses me.

But that's expensive.

What are you worried about?

All my patients get a five percent discount.

I own the hospital.

[Irma] I think your Chinese silk robe would be just right, dear.

Irma, I didn't even wear anything

that fancy on our honeymoon.

But people are gonna be seeing you.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

Marcus Welby might be dropping in.

I ought to throw in your navy blue sports jacket.

I'm just going to the hospital.

I'm not going sailing in Newport.

You're right. I'll put in your plaid blazer.

This is great.

I'm going in for a stomach test, I'm gonna end up with a hernia.

[Irma] Just relax. I'll drive, honey.

Harry, I just heard the news. Chin up, fella.

Thanks, Ralph.

Is it incurable?

I'm just going in for a check up.

That's what they always tell ya.

I believe when the case is fatal

the doctor should level with ya.

Gives you a chance to get your affairs in order.

Bye, Ralph.

But don't worry, fella.

If you don't come back, I wanna buy your car.

We're giving you Room 301, Mr. Boyle.

Now, before you check in

there are just a few forms to sign.

Okay.

Right here.

And here.

And here.

And here.

And here.

I feel so silly. I can walk by myself.

Hospital regulations.

The moment you checked in, you became our responsibility.

We can't take any chances of you having any accidents.

Ow!

I'm sure you'll be very comfortable here.

This console automatically controls everything.

TV remote, different positions for your bed

air conditioning, day nurse, night nurse, emergency oxygen.

Who can remember all that?

I'm just a patient, not the pilot of a jumbo jet.

You'll get the hang of it.

Oh, by the way, if you want me, yell.

I don't have a button.

I guess I better go now.

- Goodbye, honey. - Bye.

The children and I will visit you tonight.

Uh, is there anything I can bring you?

Yeah, a new suitcase.

Welcome to Penthouse Gardens Hospital, Mr. Boyle.

- And how are we feeling today? - Well, I--

Helen, guess who just checked in to the next room?

Caesar Renaldi.

The Italian movie star?

Nurse? Nurse?

Oh, thank you so much, Mr. Renaldi.

Nurse, nurse!

poing

Nurse!

Nurse!

301 is calling.

That's your patient, Helen.

Oh, I always get the complainers.

Will you stop making a pest of yourself?

We're taking care of Mr. Renaldi next door.

He's here on an emergency.

- Emergency? - Yes.

He's having his hair reweaved.

Squeak squeak

Excu-excuse me.

I'm here to take blood samples.

Bu-but you seem a little nervous.

I am.

I've only been interning a week

and you're my first blood sample.

To what do I owe the honor of sharing this

debut performance of yours?

Now, let's see.

How-how do I start?

You tie that little rubber thing around the arm.

Oh, thank you.

- My arm. - Sorry.

Everybody else gets Chad Everette.

I had to get him.

We finally found a vein.

It's coming out.

I thought you wanted a sample, I didn't ask you to fill her up.

Don't look, Mr. Boyle.

Sometimes the sight of blood makes the patient faint.

poing

Nurse! Nurse!

toink

Hurry up with your dinner, children. We have to visit papa.

It's strange not having him around.

Yeah, even to yell at me.

- I miss him. - We all do.

But there's one thing we can be thankful for.

He's in a wonderful hospital, getting the best of care.

Nurse, nurse!

Enjoy your dinner, Mr. Boyle.

Thank you.

[Harry] Hi, Ralph.

- Don't touch the food. - Huh?

It's gotta be poisoned.

- Oh, come on. - Don't you see what's going on?

This place is crawling with blacks, Chicanos, Chinese.

It's commie nerve center, I tell you. A commie nerve center.

Ralph, the psycho ward is that way. Check in.

The Yellow Peril's at work, Harry.

See, they got you in a kimono already.

Wait.

Somebody's gotta taste that food first.

But there's only you and me.

Okay, you taste it. America needs me.

Mm, it's delicious.

I see their plan.

They don't wanna knock you off yet.

First, they've gotta get the information from you.

What information?

They know you know about our vigilante group.

They want names, Harry. Names!

What are you doing?

This room's gotta be bugged.

You're a looney bird, you know that?

Don't talk into the chicken. The mic might be in there.

It's clean.

Why don't you check the peas?

They're shrewd. It's too obvious a place.

- There it is. - What?

[Ralph] All of them buttons.

One of them has to open a secret panel

where the mic's hidden.

Probably a direct line to Peking.

No, don't!

poing

See, the old Chinese torture trick.

Well, they're not getting this boy.

Pop

Don't worry, Harry.

I'll get you out of this evil place.

In the words of General MacArthur

"I shall return."

Now, remember, children.

Don't say anything that might possibly aggravate papa.

Do we ever?

Let's just give him the box

of candy and talk of pleasant things.

But don't worry about the business.

I'm going to your office tomorrow and take over.

Thanks, bankruptcy oughta improve

my stomach condition considerably.

What other cheer do you all bring me?

Any dispossess notices in the mail?

No, papa. Just a letter about your medical coverage.

What about my medical coverage?

Relax, Harry.

It's only a form letter telling you what you're covered for.

And a few minor things you're not covered for.

- What minor things? - Little things.

Like you're here for a check up

and the policy doesn't cover that.

You should have waited, dad till you got really sick.

And they got to rush you here.

You're covered for ambulances.

This is Harry Boyle in 301.

Move me to a cheaper room right away.

I know, I'm not covered for this phone call.

I'll pay for it myself.

This will be your room, Mr. Anderson.

Thank you.

So far it's all systems go, Sergeant Whitaker.

We got through the enemy lines.

I knew we'd fool 'em.

Our disguises are perfect.

This is it. Room 301.

Okay, Harry, we've come to spring you.

Quiet. We don't wanna wake up Zhou Enlai's Hatchet Men.

That's the operating game, you can't win 'em all.

Ralph!

Now let's get him in the car.

Their plot is more diabolical than I thought.

They've turned Harry black.

Those no good fiends.

They tell you they're taking blood

but they've filled you with dye.

They must be turning out blacks by the carload.

They're building a minority army.

Don't worry Harry. We shall overcome.

What am I saying?

Harry? I'm not Harry.

They also made him forget who he is.

What's going on? My name is John Anderson.

They don't miss a bit.

They even gave Harry a new name to go with his new face.

- Ralph! - Alright, Harry.

We've got you safe and you'll be...

Harry? What are you doing up there?

Never mind that, what are you doing down there?

- What am I doing down here? - Orderly retreat, sergeant.

Just curious.

What were you before they turned you black?

Ralph!

We'll be back to get you, Harry.

- Mr. Boyle. Oh, Mr. Boyle? - Hmm?

- It's time. - Time for what?

Your gall bladder operation.

What?

Hey, director, is that the camera that will be on me

when I make my first incision?

Splendid, that is my good side.

I tell ya I'm here for a check up.

There's nothing wrong with my gall bladder.

Quiet, umblicken. We're on the air in five seconds.

On the air?

It is being televised all over the world.

You should feel honored.

You will be the first gall bladder

transplant by satellite.

My gall bladder is fine.

If you don't believe me, call Dr. Shane.

We can't reach him, he flew to Reno this morning

to close a deal for a new shopping center.

Of course, I have a small percentage.

And now, Penthouse Gardens Hospital

proudly presents "What's My Operation."

Starring right wing's world renowned surgeon

the one, the only

Dr. Hermon Schmidt.

And now, here's Hermon.

You've got the wrong guy. Let me out of here!

Before I commence cutting

I would like to introduce my anesthetist.

Direct from downtown Shanghai, wearing the green smirk

and performing his first American acupuncture

let's hear it for Dr. Chin Lee.

Somebody out there, help!

And now, on with the show.

You will see a demonstration of my new technique in--

Oh, it's a mistake! He's not the gall bladder patient!

He's not?

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Oh, let me take it out anyway.

You will only lose a gall bladder.

Me, I lose a TV show.

Hi, there.

Just got back from Reno and I want to tell you the good news.

You got the shopping center cheap?

No, I just got all your tests back.

They're all negative. You don't have an ulcer.

Well, check me out of here fast

because this hospital is the perfect place to get one.

You can leave first thing in the morning.

Oh, you know what probably caused the upset stomach?

Nervous tension. Try to avoid it.

That's his window, right up there. Second story.

- Gotcha. - It's 1100 hours minus five.

Get ready for the assault.

Three, two, one, go!

Crash

thud

poing

Try it again, sergeant, and be careful.

We don't wanna lose that hook.

Crash

rumble

Get with it, sergeant. Zero in.

Roger.

Right on target, sir.

Good, let's move.

Carry him down the rope, Whitaker.

[Harry] Will you put me down?

Oh, he's cute. Can I take him too?

Move it.

poing

Screech

bam

thud

I'm afraid you've got a broken leg.

I'll set it as soon as I get back from closing

my marina condominium deal in Key Biscayne.

Perfect timing.

You can have my bed, Ralph.

Oh, cheer up. I'll come to visit you sometime.

- Hi. - Hello.

Harry I gotta talk to ya.

Ralph, didn't they ever clean you up?

That's what I wanna talk to you about.

You gotta get me outta here.

Why?

Nobody believes this is just grease on my face.

They all think I'm black.

- Really? - It's terrible.

I agree. I wish they would clean you up.

We finally got people understanding that black

is beautiful and you could set us back a hundred years.