Original subtitles

[Irma] Harry.

Be there in minute, sweetheart.

♪ Mr. Wonderful ♪

♪ That's you not me ♪♪

Ah, you're a handsome devil, Harry Boyle.

I couldn't agree more.

I think tonight calls for a new hairstyle.

Oh, you're too much, Harry.

Remember, she's only human.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll save it for our silver anniversary.

♪ I got my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

[Harry] Hey!

We were just leaving.

- Sorry, you were expired. - But miss!

That's what happens when you give a woman a man's job.

They get drunk with power.

The women are taking over the country, Harry.

I get a chill when I think that someday

our president maybe wearing pantyhose.

[Ralph] Women in pants, guys with long hair.

Can you tell 'em apart anymore? Huh?

- No. No. - Huh? Huh?

[Harry] No! Not without a scorecard.

[Ralph] It's all a commie plot.

The Kremlin is engineering the whole thing.

- The Kremlin? - Don't you see?

[Ralph] They're trying to reverse the sexes.

The women take all the jobs, the men go to beauty parlors

and while we're all sitting under the driers

the Russkies attack.

We can always counterattack with hairspray.

Don't laugh, Harry. Don't laugh.

You're gonna wake up one morning wearing a baby doll nighty

and go to work in a cross your heart griddle.

I'm tellin' you our system is in jeopardy.

Your brain is in jeopardy.

Now look, a lot of women are still happy to be

just plain old mothers and housewives.

Like my Irma.

[Alice] Ah, what do you think of "The New Women", mama?

Oh, I better get dinner ready.

Papa will be home soon.

There you go. The subjugated woman.

Don't you yearn to throw up the shackles of this prison?

I can't. I'm married to the warden.

Irma, I'm home. Is dinner ready?

- I'm just starting it, dear. - Just starting?

You know this is my bowling night.

I have to be out of here by seven.

- I'll hurry it up. - Hi, pop. Talk to you later.

I have to feed Julius.

Beautiful, the dog eats on time. I have to wait.

And he isn't even going bowling.

Forgive the bread winner for complaining.

But is it too much to ask for dinner to be ready on time

and a couple of buttons sowed?

Well, I'm...

Mother, don't apologize to him.

All he's doing is keeping you chained here.

I feel sorry for her, the "Prisoner of Zenda."

In a newly remodeled, five thousand dollar

all electric dungeon. A hundred a week to manage.

A car, charge accounts for every department store in town.

Maybe she's the "Prisoner of Zenda"

but she lives like "Count Of Monte Christo."

Typical male chauvinist.

Well, Dr. Bella Ausler

has a few choice words to say about that.

Oh, who am I to argue with Dr. Bella Ausler?

She smokes more expensive cigars than I do.

When are you gonna stop reading this kind of garbage?

I was reading it, Harry.

- You? - And it's not garbage.

A lot of it makes sense.

Yes, we women aren't accepting the status quo anymore.

We're broadening our horizons.

Alice, with a build like your's

don't ever tempt me with a straight line like that.

[Alice] Women have to develop outside interest.

They've got to find their identity.

Yeah, I think women should compete with men for jobs.

Why not?

You're in the stands watching the game

and I'm paying your admission.

Well, I always hire girls to work in my lemonade stands.

That's wonderful, Jamie.

When you have sex-appeal behind the counter

the customers don't notice weak lemonade.

Ah, I'll be back around ten.

And I have a business meeting tomorrow morning.

Could you press my brown slacks?

Yes, dear.

Don't you yearn to throw off the shackles of this prison?

No woman should be just a housewife.

They've got to find their own identity.

Be a new women.

Set yourself free.

- Break the shackles. - Break the shackles.

- Break the shackles. - Break the shackles.

- Break the shackles. - Break the shackles.

Hi!

How did you get hold of the "Help Wanted" section?

Chet usually burns it every morning.

Don't tell me he's given you permission

to screen jobs for him.

No Harry. I'm the one who's looking for a job.

They've poisoned your mind!

That big mouth Dr. Ausler and my two big mouth kids.

They showed me what's missing in my life.

I'm not fulfilled.

What are you talking about?

You've got a house, children, a husband.

I-I take you to the movies once a week.

You're not fulfilled enough? I'll take you twice a week.

You don't understand, Harry.

I've got to find my own identity.

Look outside. Your name is on the mailbox.

I'm getting a job.

I've realized I'm not happy.

But you cook for me, sew for me, look after me.

How can you not be happy?

What do you mean, you're bored?

I'm always stuck in the house.

You're out all day. You meet people.

Sure, customers complaining about late deliveries.

My accountant telling me my prices are too low.

The man from the price commission

to say they're too high.

And the internal revenue agent

who webs everything in between.

And for real laughs, my shipping clerk

dropped in this afternoon to tell me he's suing me

for getting the hernia.

You see, your days are full!

- Irma? - I'm getting a job.

[Ralph] Okay, the flag is up. Thank you, sergeant Whitaker.

That's it, Whitaker. Knock it off.

I said, knock it off!

When you're hot, you're hot.

Pop

Watch it. I almost lost my bridge work.

Without my sexy smile I can't turn on my boyfriend.

Perfect timing.

Just finished our flag raising

ceremony and I'm ready to go.

I'm thinking of flying mine in half mast.

What's bugging you?

Oh, I got up this morning and Irma was gone.

- She's out looking for a job! - Your own wife... has defected?

It's like I've been telling you, Harry.

Another American woman caught in the red tide.

Ralph, it has nothing to do with that.

Harry, did you ever run a security check on Irma?

What?

Does she know how to develop microfilm?

Has she ever seen "Dr. Zhivago?"

Has she ever traveled abroad?

Once. She went to Catalina.

Figures. That's on the way to China.

Oh, you're a ding-a-ling.

Irma? Well, you might as well run a security check on me.

I already did. You're clean.

I know you'll be happy working for our firm, Mrs. Koyle.

I-it's Boyle. And thank you.

Well, we have, what's her name to help you now, dear.

We don't want you to feel over worked.

I never dreamt I'd get a job like this.

A secretary in a law firm. It's so exciting!

And you say, Mrs. Prescott

that at precisely 2:30 in the morning

from your window

you saw the alleged murder in the garden

with a revolver in his hand?

Yes, I could see it glinting in the moonlight.

No further question, your honor.

Ah, I'm beaten, Irma.

For the first time in 20 years I've lost a case!

Not yet, Mr. Finch.

Just a moment, Mrs. Prescott.

Return to the stand, please.

My brilliant secretary, Irma Boyle

has just pointed out to me that on the night of the murder

at pricesly 2:30 a.m.

there was a total eclipse of the moon.

Therefore you could not have possibly seen the revolver

or the murderer.

Oh-oh! I confess.

I did it. I did it!

I murdered my husband.

Irma, you're magnificent.

What would I be without you?

Just doing my job, Mr. Finch.

Just doing my job.

[Finch] Miss! Miss! Miss!

I need these briefs typed in an hour, Mrs. Foyle.

- In triplicate. - Yes, Mr. Finch.

Love that shade of polish, Ms. Huxley.

I think it's the most thrilling thing that's ever happened.

Mama has her own career. She's a complete woman.

- Pop. - Yeah?

Now that's mama's working, could you raise my allowance?

More and more he's making me believe

in zero population growth.

When's mom coming home to make dinner? I'm hungry!

Your mother's a career woman now.

She probably stopped off after work

to have a couple of cocktails with her fellow executives.

These have to be ready first thing in the morning.

Goodnight, Mrs. Hoyle.

Can I drive you home, Ms. Huxley?

You've had a hard day.

[Harry] Okay, if you gotta work late, you gotta work late.

No, no, no. I'm not mad.

Why should I be mad?

Krr-krr-boing

See how I'm not mad?

Goodbye!

Bang

What do we do about dinner?

Your mother says Alice should cook it.

- Alice? - Alice?

- Me! - Pop...

...she took cooking in school.

She failed water.

I know.

When I say grace I won't just say thanks

to Him I'll also pray for help.

Pewww

I don't think you prayed hard enough, pop.

Yeah, what a way to go.

Well, at least with meals like this

we won't have to worry about dieting.

The pounds will melt off just like that.

You know, I never said I was a great cook.

You're not going to hear it from me either.

Coffee, papa?

Yeah, I could use something to wash down the feathers.

Creak

poing

That's the first solid food we've had tonight.

Well, I did the best I could.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the library.

Aren't you doing the dishes?

I cooked the dinner

haven't I done enough for the family?

Could we rephrase that to, "to the family?"

- Chet? - Sorry, pop.

I'm going to the ghetto.

Maybe one one of the missions

still has some soup left.

- Jamie? - I have to go find Julius.

- Where is he? - I don't know.

When I gave him some leftover chicken, he ran away.

Some enchanted evening.

Career lady is working.

The galloping gourmet went to the library.

One son is in the ghetto begging for soup

and the other is looking for a dog who's in shock.

And I'm stuck with the dishes.

Well, there's one consolation. Things can't get worse.

I was wrong.

They can get worse.

Hey, Harry, we need a fourth for poker, could you--

Holy smokes! You've had one of them operations.

I'm just cleaning up. Irma's working late.

I don't know, your voice seems a little higher.

I'm Harry Boyle.

Okay, okay, but the fact remains that the commie plot is working.

They're reversing the sexes

and do you realize what might happen next?

I think we can swing the consolidated general major

for about 12 million.

Oh, here come our drinks.

Boy! Is he stacked!

Cigars, cigarettes. Cigars, cigarettes.

Sex symbols, that's all we're gonna become.

Sex symbols.

And now the winner of this year's national beauty pageant

Mr. California.

And here to crown the victor is last year's winner.

♪ There he goes America's beauty ♪

♪ Look at him ♪

♪ Ain't he a cutey ♪♪

Until finally the switch will be complete.

Hello, darling. Are you alright?

As well as can be expected.

That's what men were put on earth for.

To suffer.

It's gonna happen, Harry. It's gonna happen.

We're headed for catastrophe.

[Irma] Harry, I'm home.

I remember when I used to say that.

Well, Della Street finally made it.

And how's Perry Mason?

I'm sorry, dear.

It was the first day.

Is everything alright here?

Yeah, once I got through

mopping up after hurricane Alice.

That bad?

We're eligible for disaster relief.

Look, honey, it'll work out.

I'll show you that I can hold a job

and still be a mother and a wife.

I'll make it up to you, dear.

Look, Irma, if you think you can calm me down by sweet talking...

Muah!

...you're absolutely right.

[Irma] Harry.

Be there in a minute, sweetheart.

♪ La ta ti ♪

♪ Mr. Wonderful ♪

♪ That's you ♪♪

Oh, you're a handsome devil, Harry Boyle.

I couldn't agree more.

I think tonight calls for a new hair style.

You're too much, Harry.

Remember, she's only human.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll save it for our silver anniversary.

Screech

Mama just called.

She said she has to work late again tonight.

Oh, great!

Is Alice gonna cook another dinner for us?

No, we're gonna do what Julius is doing.

We're gonna eat out.

Well, it was certainly fun

to have a nice leisurely dinner out.

- We have to do the house work? - That's right.

I know the word "work" makes you nauseous

but that's the way it's gonna be.

But, papa...

The work schedule is on

the bulletin board.

- Work schedule! - Yeah.

After all these years, I finally

found a way to communicate with my children.

Toing

[Harry] Alice, were you the one who washed my shirt?

Yes, papa.

Just a little too much starch.

Hey, Jamie, will you help me with these windows?

- No. - What do you mean "no?"

I'm a capitalist, not a worker.

Phew. I never knew house work was this tough.

Yeah.

You know, I'm sorry

I ever showed mama that book by Dr. Ausler.

Well, you wanted mama to be a complete woman.

I've been thinking about it.

I'd rather have a complete mother.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Well, my heart goes out to you, Harry.

- Irma's let you down. - Irma? Who's she?

All I've got in my bedroom is a sleeping stranger.

Thank goodness there's still women like Sergeant Whitaker

in this world.

She don't go looking for jobs.

She's a good old-fashioned home body.

Sergeant Whitaker?

Sure, you'll always find her sitting in her rocking chair

doing all them domestic things.

Putting the pins in hand grenades

oiling rifle barrels

knitting strings for the booby traps.

She's helpful.

Yeah, a regular Whistler's Mother.

Look Harry, you gotta put your foot down.

You've got to tell Irma you need her at home

and she'd better quit the job.

No, she wants a career? Okay, let her have it.

I won't give her the satisfaction of crawling to her.

Whitaker, what are you doing here?

- I didn't know you drank. - I don't, but men do.

Spotted anyone whose wife doesn't understand them?

Aren't you little old for this, sergeant?

Maybe so, but it does a lot more for me than Medicare.

You should've told me you wanted a snack, Harry.

I would've gotten it for you.

Oh, that's alright. I've learned to become very self-sufficient.

I'm Harry, the happy housewife.

Oh, darling. I know I've been neglecting you.

Neglecting! Why, don't be silly.

- I'm getting along just fine. - Oh?

The main thing is that you're happy, right?

You are happy with your wonderful job, aren't you?

Oh, yes.

Uh, very happy.

Well, then that's all that matters.

You found your identity.

You're fulfilled.

Harry.

Yes fulfilled one?

- I'm not happy. - Why?

Because you're not the first lady astronaut yet?

No, a job isn't the answer.

I miss you and the children.

I belong at home.

- Irma. - Yes?

- I lied too. - Oh?

I'm as self-sufficient as

Bobby Fischer without a chess board.

We've all been miserable without you.

You know, it's funny.

I was looking for my identity

and it was right here all along.

I found the person I wanna be.

It's full time and it's satisfying.

When are you gonna quit Finch Stern

Forbes Cadall and what's his name?

I did, this afternoon.

Then you don't have to go in early tomorrow?

No.

Ah well, I may not leave too early myself.

Muah

[Jamie] Mom?

I have a stomach ache.

Can I sleep with you and pop tonight?

Woof woof woof

Oh, welcome home.

It's good to taste coffee that you don't have to chew.

Mama, when you're through with that, can you do these dresses?

[Irma] Yes, dear.

Mom, there's a hole in these jeans.

[Irma] Alright, Chet, I'll patch 'em.

Mom, my sweatshirt has to be washed.

Just leave it over there.

Whoa, whoa! Hold it, hold it!

Don't gang up on your mother like that.

Oh that's alright, Harry.

After Finch Stern Forbes Cadall and what's his name

this is a holiday.