Original subtitles

You can't do this to Elm Street, Harry.

What if your house gets bought by an undesirable?

Please, Ralph, I can't take any craziness.

You're talking to a very nervous man

who now owns two houses.

But this is critical.

Don't you realize there's a Jewish family

living only seven blocks that way?

And a black family, less than a mile that way.

They got us surrounded.

Why don't you go fire your cannon?

Just promise me you'll sell only to someone white.

I'll be reasonable, I'll even settle for a democrat.

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a blast ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

[Alice] See what I mean?

♪ Wait 'til your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice] We know.

Hey, sonny. Want to buy a chance?

A vigilante company is wrapping up

a dozen adorable little bunny rabbits

to raise money for hand grenades.

No thanks. But that is adorable.

Say, whose truck is that?

Mmm, some electrician. You remodeling?

Maybe my boy Chet's having his guitar rewired.

He's been upset because his amplifier

hasn't shattered my eardrums yet.

That was Mr. Reynolds.

He gave us an estimate on the new stove

we've been talking about.

I don't remember talking about a new stove.

Well, that's what I want to talk to you about.

We really should trade in the one we have, Harry.

Why? It works, doesn't it?

Yes, but it's over 20 years old.

That's a reason? We've got a son over 20 years old.

We're not trading him in because he doesn't work.

A new one built-in is only $700.

$700!

Well, it has that new, radiator oven.

I'll be able to cook a chicken in seven minutes.

You can call dial-a-chicken and get one in five minutes.

And they throw in free coleslaw.

He also said, if we move those cupboards

we could put in the economy model.

That's only $400, that's a real savings.

How much to move the cupboards?

[Irma] Five hundred.

That's some savings. A minus $200!

Hi, daddy.

And then it's just another $75

for the automatic fan to cool off the kitchen.

We've already got an air-cooled kitchen.

Just from her opening the refrigerator

every five minutes.

Then there's other things of course

and some extras naturally.

Uh-huh, and how much does of course and naturally

add up to?

Just $275.

Then there is the new wood top for cutting.

Forget the wood for cutting, I'll give you my throat.

Irma, don't give me the slow torture.

Just hit me hard and fast with the grand total.

$1900.

But look on the bright side, dear.

We get a $10 allowance for the old stove.

Uh, we'll have to cut down on food and clothing.

Get the old car running.

I have to leave.

Tonight's my night to go down to the ghetto

and work with the poor.

Save yourself the trip.

If you wanna work with the poor

this is now the main office.

That's typical defensiveness

of the money oriented middle class.

Face it, pop, you don't have any real problems.

And to think, I gave away a whole box of good cigars

when he was born.

Well, can't you get one of those government loans?

They're only for fires and floods.

Not for the big disasters like remodeling.

You'll feel better after supper.

We're having oyster stew.

Hey! That sounds good.

But it's not gonna help unless it's half full of pearls.

Fix-ups sure are expensive.

You know, it used to be, if a man came home

and saw an ambulance in front of his house,

he'd get a real chill in his heart.

But today, it happens when he sees

a contractor's truck parked there.

Maybe we shouldn't redo the kitchen.

Well, if you could get by...

It'd make much more sense to buy a new house.

You know, it's time we made a move.

But a new house.

We really need a bigger place, honey.

Why, when Alice brings a boy home

they have to be in the same room we are.

I like it that way.

I'm the kind of parent who wants to be around to say when.

Besides, this house could cost more than a new one

if we have to fix it.

But not if we don't fix it.

It won't cost you anything just to look.

Yeah that's what they told Richard Burton at Tiffany's.

[Irma] The real estate agent said

this hilltop house was a great buy.

The car will never make it.

We'll have to change over to the ski lift.

Imagine, living above everything.

I just love the idea.

[Harry] Tell that to the radiator.

[Irma] They say the television reception is perfect here.

[Harry] Television? From this high up, you oughta be able to see

the moonwalks with the naked eye.

Well, here we are.

Top of the Matterhorn.

Now, Harry, stop it.

Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo!

I told you it was a Matterhorn.

Hear the yodeling?

You must be the Boyles.

I'm Lucille Grundy, Grundy Realty.

- How do you do? - Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

- Mm. - Yes, yes, yes, what?

You're perfect.

You and this house belong together.

And how much would it cost us to belong?

Practically nothing. The owners are desperate.

They've had sickness. He lost his job.

And they're getting a divorce, isn't that wonderful?

Well, that's what makes a house a home.

- I'm dying to see it. - I'm dying to show it to you.

Tell me the price and we'll all die together.

The living area.

Aren't you enveloped in its charm and warmth?

It's really a storybook home, isn't it?

And just look at that unique umbrella stand.

How many bedrooms?

I haven't counted. And it goes with the house.

Are the sewers connected?

I'm not sure, and it would make a mardy champagne bucket.

Well, how much is the house?

Including the bucket.

It's tres chic Americana.

Alright then.

How much is the bucket? Including the house?

I'll tell you what, you can keep the poodle.

And I'll take the refrigerator.

But how will I put away the food?

Putting away food has never been your problem.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Boyle, these are the owners.

- The Wilsons. - Oh, how do you do?

Look around all you like.

I get the portable TV, the hair dryer--

Hold it! I get the hair dryer.

The way you're cleaning me out

I'll need it to heat my room at the "Y."

Basically lovely human beings.

But not right for this house.

And here's where you lounge about the pool

and sip martinis.

Or champagne from the umbrella stand.

[Harry] Holy cow!

It is a beautiful view.

You can see 20 miles over the mountains.

And even farther than that straight down.

Hey, this is dangerous. The children could fall off.

You could always get insurance.

But who wants a house on pogo sticks?

That's the latest design.

They call it cantilevered you'll get used to it.

I don't know, I don't think I could ever get used

to mowing the lawn wearing a parachute.

But the mountains are so pretty, Harry.

Nobody's told me yet how much it is.

They are pretty mountains, aren't they?

You can actually get an echo.

- You can? - Go ahead. Try it out.

How much is it?

How much is it?

He wants to know too.

Oh, the price. Why didn't you ask me before?

I forgot.

The original price was ninety thousand

but since you're so perfect for the house

I think they'll take sixty-two-five.

Sixty-two-five. What do you think, Harry?

I think I'll jump.

Gee, that house sounds great.

Why don't we move there?

Well, for lots of reasons. In fact, 62,500 reasons.

I'm afraid the practical answer is to stay here.

Even if we have to renovate the kitchen.

But it'd be a nicer neighborhood.

Alice would meet a better class of boys.

It'd be cheaper to stay here and renovate Alice.

I really could get a lot of use to that hillside swimming pool.

Oh, it would be perfect for you.

Since you're so concerned about the poor,

you'd be able to lie on your rubber raft

and look down at the ghetto.

I have a conscience, pop.

I wouldn't look in that direction.

The simple fact is we have a perfectly good house

right here with everything we really need.

But I did love that view of the hills.

We got a painting here of mountains

and you never even look at it.

I bet there's a nice breeze up there.

We can open up the windows here.

And there's probably no smog up there.

So, we can close the windows here.

Now, be reasonable.

The new house isn't worth the $15,000 extra would cost us.

But this place is so drafty, Harry.

Everybody has colds all winter.

Irma, for 15,000 smackers we can buy a lot of aspirin.

Another thing, there's only one and a half bathrooms here.

- You can never get in. - Sure you can.

Now, figure it out.

Let's see, 24 hour days.

Five people, 2 child...

That's nine hours and 36 minutes a day, a piece.

There you go.

That's time enough not only to read a book in there

but to write one.

Alice is right, dear. We need another one desperately.

Desperately!

I grew up with eight in a family

sharing one bathroom and no one felt that qualified

to ask for federal assistance.

What is it with everybody today,

wanting so many bathrooms?

Is that the way you measure the good life? By the plumbing?

Not me, pop. I've always been an anti-bathtub extremist.

Hmm, good old Jamie.

Well, I think I'll walk the dog.

Come on, Julius.

But there's still a chance we'll move, isn't there?

I know that house sounds great, gang

but I really don't know how we could swing it just now.

Think you can convince him, mom?

Well, it would take a miracle.

Your father is practically impossible to talk to

when he's being reasonable.

Hello?

Maybe we could influence pop by being very helpful around here.

Like how?

You know, cleaning up our rooms,

turning down the stereo--

Turning down the stereo!

It's the real estate agent.

I think now we can get the house.

The miracle happened.

It's such a miracle. Wait 'til you hear.

But you tell him, Mrs. Boyle.

Well, you see, Harry--

You simply won't believe your ears.

- Tell him, Mrs. Boyle. - What happened, Harry--

I'm in the real estate twenty years

and I've never heard of a deal like this one.

Neither have I.

In fact, I haven't even heard this one yet.

- Will someone please-- - Maybe you'd better tell him.

No, no. You're doing beautifully.

Well, it seems that--

On the other hand, maybe I better.

Wait 'til you hear, Harry.

I'm waiting, I'm waiting.

The fact is, the Wilsons have decided

to practically give it away for nothing.

And how much is nothing?

Their new price is a steal, it's absolute robbery.

Mm, and how much do the robbers want?

They've come down from sixty-two-five

to a ridiculous forty-nine-five.

Isn't that fabulous, Harry?

- Just think, daddy. No smog. - And that great swimming pool.

And up there, I'd make a killing with my lemonade stand

selling to those rich kids.

Only four thousand down. I'll arrange the mortgage

for the balance.

Oh, we'd have to sell this house.

No problem.

This is a very desirable lower class neighborhood.

[Alice] Please, daddy.

[Lucille] It'll take only a $500 binder.

[Chet] Sure sounds great.

[Irma] And we'd save the remodeling.

[Jamie] How about it, pop?

You can't do this to Elm Street, Harry.

What if your house gets bought by an undesirable?

Please, Ralph, I can't take any craziness.

You're talking to a very nervous man

who now owns two houses.

But this is critical.

Ralph, you're a regular Dr. Schweitzer.

Who is he?

You know, the famous Christian missionary.

With a name like Schweitzer? Don't believe it, Harry.

He was trying to pass.

You don't understand.

Schweitzer spent his life

living and preaching in the Congo.

The Congo?

You mean, he lived with 'em savages?

Teaching about our God?

And he built hospitals, schools.

Wake up, Harry.

How can you call that man a Christian?

A pinko subversive, if I ever heard of one.

Yeah, me and the troops down at Company B were after them.

Were after that type.

Don't you realize there's a Jewish family

living only seven blocks that way?

And a black family, less than a mile that way.

They got us surrounded.

Why don't you go fire your cannon?

Just promise me you'll sell only to someone white.

I'll be reasonable. I'll even settle for a democrat.

- Oh, that's very noble of you. - Thank you, Harry.

But the deal is that this house will be sold

to any qualified buyer.

That's a good story.

Keep saying it so they don't get wise.

Qualified, huh? Perfect.

Oh, Mr. Boyle, this is Mr. Tukimudi.

It's Takamoto. How do you do?

I want to show him your storybook house.

You'll be enveloped by its charm and warmth.

I was afraid of that.

Infiltration by the red Chinese mafia.

The Chinese mafia?

Boyle, this is worse than selling to minorities.

That commie spy will squeal the Peking

and everything that happens in the neighborhood.

Wow!

Now, Chairman Mao will know all about

our crabgrass and garage sale.

It's serious, Harry.

Another crack in Fortress America.

Oh, will you get outta there?

Irma is waiting at the new house.

Aren't you gonna do somethin' about the Chinese person?

He's Japanese.

That's what he wants you to think.

But he slipped up.

If he were Japanese he would've come

in a pick up truck full of hoses.

Instead of goin' to the golf course this mornin'

why don't you stop off somewhere

for electroshock therapy.

This is a May day, a call by vigilantes.

Shh!

Harry, this is Paisley Parsons, the decorator.

Hi, I was just telling your good lady that positively

non of your present furniture will do at all here.

Paisley is right, dear.

We'll have to get all new things.

All new things?

Do you want to service the pool two times a week, three times?

- What do you want? - Well--

And, we're gonna have to replace all the equipment too.

- How much? - It's about a grand.

And it's only 55 a month for service.

- Plus chemicals, of course. - Of course.

It's a fire hazard, Mr. Boyle.

The brush on your hillside has to be cleared off.

And how much would that run?

Well, the man on the other hill got it done for 900.

But your property is larger much larger, of course.

Of course.

Well, to put these pilings in

well, you're gonna have to sink new ones in concrete

all the ways down to the bedrock.

Sounds expensive.

Well, it ain't cheap, but, I mean, otherwise

next big rain the whole house could go pfft.

What do you mean, pfft?

I never figured they were gonna be so many extra expenses.

But when you moved dear

there's always some little extras.

Little... didn't you hear the estimates

those workmen gave me?

We'll be sending all the kids through college.

Now, don't be discouraged, Harry.

Let's get all the figures first.

Okay, after all, if it comes to too much

we can always stay put in our old house.

[Irma] Look.

[Harry] Sold?

That's right, the Chinaman took it.

You'll go down in history, Harry Boyle.

As the man who kicked open the door

so the Yellow Peril could swallow up Elm Street.

He bought our house?

Thanks to you, we'll have it all, Harry.

Your Tong wars, your opium dens,

your mahjong parlors.

Your laundries in every corner.

If you don't mind--

Enemy agents will come parachuting every night

trampling our begonias.

Why, Harry, why?

They already got a quarter of the Earth.

Why'd you have to give 'em Elm Street too?

Harry, come to bed, it's after 12:00.

It won't work.

Even if we hawked everything we own we couldn't swing it.

It'll work out, we'll just have to start cutting a few corners.

We'll have to start sticking up a few liquor stores.

Things will look better in the morning.

It'll eat up every penny.

If we move there we'll have nothing.

Nothing.

I'll see you tonight, Irma.

I won't be home till late.

I'll be working next door doing their windows.

I'll be late too.

That hill makes it tough.

What a nice bone. The dog will like that.

The dog? This is our supper.

Everybody take just a little, it's gotta last us all week.

Sure gets cold up here.

Got anything to put in the fire, Harry?

Just this week's bills.

I don't want to see anymore bills.

I can't take it anymore!

I'm gonna jump in the pool and drown myself.

Aah!

I forgot we couldn't afford water.

Ahh.

That house is gonna break me.

Break me. Break me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Harry.

I never should have tried to talk you

into a house like that.

It's my fault too, Irma.

I shouldn't have made the deal without checking things first.

Tell you what.

Let's give it up and forget the whole thing.

How do we tell the kids?

We'll face that in the morning, dear.

Can I get you a warm drink?

No thanks, might put me back to sleep

and I dive into that pool again.

The children must be sleeping late.

How do I break the news to them?

It won't be easy.

They're really looking forward to that other house.

Poor pop, he was even yelling in his sleep

about all the expenses.

I heard him too.

Look, he wrote down things to cut out

so we could afford the new house.

Wow, his clothes, his golf clubs.

His cigars, his bowling.

His lodge dues, everything his.

Hi, kids.

Look, gang, there is something I have to tell you.

- You see-- - You know, pop.

The new house and the swimming pool

isn't such a good idea.

That chlorine turns your hair green.

[Alice] And all those bathrooms, they'd be a problem.

Just more rooms to keep clean.

And it doesn't even get hot out in the hills.

I couldn't sell any lemonade at all.

So, if it's not too late to change

we kinda like to stay here.

That's right, with everything just like it's been.

Did you tell them?

Funny thing, Irma, they told me.

You know, we just might have us three pretty great kids there.

Oh, I'm so happy, honey.

And now you can sleep nights.

That's right.

Oh, but I forgot one thing.

This house is sold.

Even though I can sleep nights now I don't have any house.

Oh, dear, that's right.

Oh, that must be Mr. Takamoto.

He said he was coming over to take measurements.

- Is Fu Man Choo here yet? - Now, cut that out, Ralph.

We're not taking this sitting down.

Elm Street is striking back the Mongolian invasion.

Striking back?

I'll plant my microphone there.

With the wire to my command post next door.

Then we'll hear all there commie plots

and nip 'em in the bud.

That must be the incense burnin' out.

Let him in, I'm all set.

Remember the Alamo.

Morning, Mr. Boyle. Mrs. Boyle.

Hi, Mr. Takamoto.

This is certainly a nice house you have.

Mm-hmm.

Of course, the kitchen needs work.

And it could run about an extra 2000.

So, I understand.

You must be real excited about your new house.

Oh, we are, we are.

I need more ice, lemonades selling great.

Sure glad we're not moving.

I'll level with you.

We'd rather not sell, but we feel

we must honor our deal with you.

Well, then I'll level with you.

I'd rather not buy, but I felt I had to honor

my deal with you.

Ah, isn't that wonderful.

We have our perfect little house back.

Frankly, your neighbor next door...

Say, no more, the deal is off.

Well, Irma our troubles are over.

- What are you doing? - Calling the contractor.

Since we are staying in this awful place

we simply have to have that terrible kitchen remodeled.

Hand me the earphones. We got an earful.

Say, we should celebrate our no deal.

And I have just the thing.

A firecracker I took away from, Jamie.

A fire cracker?

They are supposed to chase off evil spirits, aren't they?

Absolutely, may I have the honor of lighting it?

Turn up the volume, I better get an earful.

Wow, he really did get an earful.