Original subtitles

You'd be making a wise decision, sir.

This is the finest car in the country today.

And the price is only five thou...

[Harry] Why did you stop?

Well, I was afraid of giving you a nose bleed, Harry.

I couldn't ask you to spend that on a car.

You've got a thoughtful little woman here.

I like her, so I'm gonna give you a much better price.

Now, let's see, how's about...

Say, aren't you an actress?

I could've sworn I saw you in "Love Story."

That funny little way you have of tossin' your head.

Isn't he nice?

I'll tell ya after he gives me the price.

♪ I love my mum and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mum starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mum's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Little more action, kids, I've gotta get to the office.

Work? But, dad, it's Saturday!

I'm lucky! I own the business so I'm allowed to go in.

You oughta start thinking about getting new car, pop.

This old heap's pretty banged up.

Since your sister started driving, she's the only girl

who gets valentine day cards from the Body and Fender Shop.

What you need is a sturdier car.

The way you drive, what we need is a foam rubber garage.

Pop, this car has had it.

A man who works as hard as you is entitled

to the best that money can buy.

I agree. There's nothing I'd like better than a Rolls Royce.

I'd also like $200 suits, and a winter home in the Bahamas.

But it'll have to wait

until I finish paying off on the washing machine.

I love this car. I know every sound she makes.

So, does the whole neighborhood.

Well, you just don't get rid of an old friend

that's given you such great service.

Be realistic, pop.

If something doesn't work, you get rid of it.

Would you like to rephrase that sentence?

You may be jeopardizing your future in this house.

Chet's right, papa.

When something gets old, you should trade it in

on a new model. There's no room for sentiments.

Sure, why put up with the aggravation?

That should apply to everything!

Oh, you mean,

like if I'm having trouble with your mother...

I just take her down to the lot

and trade her in on a new model.

Son, in this life there has to be room for sentiment.

Papa. we're talking about possessions not people.

Aren't you ashamed to have the neighborhood see this thing

in the drive way?

No, but I'm ashamed to hear you talk this way.

I don't live for my neighbors, I live for me.

I don't understand this crazy need to trade your car

every time your ashtray fills up.

But it's an eyesore.

Look, I didn't buy it to enter it in a fashion show.

It takes me where I wanna go and it gets me back.

Hi, I'm home!

- The house is on fire. - That's nice, dear.

Is it really that interesting? What're you watching?

The chicken that ate Philadelphia.

Now, I don't want you to think I'm insecure...

...that they would prefer Paul Newman to me,

I understand.

But it kinda shakes a man up to come in second to a chicken.

We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor.

- Oh, hi, pop. - When did you get home?

You know there are times I think

if it weren't for commercials

some families would never see each other again.

Howdy, folks? Smiling Sam here.

Southern California's number one car dealer and Claude

my faithful Kitty cat, man's best friend.

Folks, this is the time to buy.

With them it's always the time to buy.

Right now, during our once a month anniversary sale

bargains like this beauty from our foreign department

the Korean made Sukiyaki 6.

And to show you how spacious it is

watch these four basketball all-stars as they get in.

And sit in luxury comfort.

[Sam] Stretch, let the folks hear the engine.

Yes, sir. Listen to that little baby purr.

So, come on down and see Smiling Sam.

And if you ain't ready to buy, drop in anyway

just to say, howdy and get 5,000 free tradin' stamps.

Forgot to tell you, it also has a sunroof.

That does it!

That's what you should look into, daddy.

A small economical foreign car.

Forget it! I don't play basketball.

The children are right, Harry.

We do need a new car and I know exactly what kind I'd like.

Oh, and what kind of a car do you have in mind?

A blue one.

Uh, why don't we go look? It doesn't cost anything.

The most expensive words in the English language.

It doesn't cost anything to look.

What're you doing, Ralph?

Checking for landmines.

Gotta keep ahead of 'em Ruskies!

You know, they're always plotting

to snuff out the world leaders.

And you fall into that category?

On their list of enemies freedom fighters

I figure I'm in the Moscow top ten.

Be way cool if they'd knocked off

the leader of vigilanty company B.

Yeah, Elm Street would be left defenseless.

Well, that's the risk we military giants have to take.

You detected any bombs?

No, so far all we found is 16 cents.

And a skate key.

Come on, let's get going.

They're dragging me out to look at new cars.

Buy American, Harry.

You know how they make those foreign cars?

They buy up all our old cars, ship 'em home...

...and then they shrink 'em.

Paint 'em and send 'em right back.

So, when you buy foreign, what you're really gettin'

is a second hand American car.

And what's even worse

they're also using our cars to make guns and bullets.

Gives me the chills!

Yeah, I could be shot by a '62 Buick.

But at least your auto insurance

will pay for the hospital.

Uh, you were hit by a car.

Oh.

I knew it, a mine, see!

Ruskies were planning to blow me to kingdom come.

Sergeant Whitaker, take over!

She's our demolition expert.

Stand back, I've gotta dig around carefully and get at it.

Ah, I guess, I detected my own water main.

Well, don't worry, Ralph.

You lost a water main but you gained a sprinkler system.

Come on, pop, at least look at it.

Where do you wind it up?

- You need assistance. - No, I-I don't--

You do not understand I was not asking you, I was telling you.

We Swiss, we know good quality.

And you're looking at the finest, posh-lookin' machine

the world has to offer.

Well, I don't know.

I think Detroit turns out just as good.

They wouldn't dare!

Well, anyway I wouldn't buy something like that

I wouldn't enjoy driving it.

You will buy it, you will drive it.

And you will enjoy!

- Oh, but I-I-- - That is an order!

Oh!

My little , you have been wounded in action.

As soon as you're repaired you'll receive the Iron Cross.

Come on, kids, let's get away

while the Brandenburg Gate is still open.

- You will be back! - Come on, I've seen enough!

But, pop, you haven't even looked at these cars.

As long as we're here, Harry

we oughta at least say howdy to Smiling Sam.

We enjoy all his movies.

I enjoy the 7 o'clock news but does that mean

I have to say howdy to David Brinkley?

Come on, papa.

Yeah, let's see what they have.

You'd be making a wise decision, sir.

This is the finest car in the country today.

And the price is only five thou...

[Harry] Why did you stop?

Well, I was afraid of giving you a nose bleed, Harry.

I couldn't ask you to spend that on a car.

You've got a thoughtful little woman here.

I like her, so I'm gonna give you a much better price.

Now, let's see, how's about...

Say, aren't you an actress?

I could've sworn I saw you in "Love Story."

That funny little way you have of tossing your head.

Isn't he nice?

I'll tell ya after he gives me the price.

How's about 3800?

I'm losing money but I'm making a friend.

What'll you give me on my old car?

Oh, well, that was pretty bad year, they was all lemons.

Well, we haven't even seen the car yet.

[Harry] It's this one.

I'm surprised you made it to the lot.

But I like you.

I'm gonna give you top dollar, 200!

Well, you got the same car right there for 750.

But that is a blue seal car.

Gone over by our factory trained mechanics parts

and labor guaranteed for thirty days.

Forget it! I'll sell it myself!

If you'll just step into the office my assistant manager

will write up the deal for you.

Didn't I see you in "Love Story?"

So, what, you got a new car, huh?

- Yeah. - Huh?

- Yeah! - Boy you're nuts Harry.

The car was a jewel! A gem, ran like a watch.

- What'd they give you for it? - Chet's bringing it home.

I didn't trade it, I'm selling it.

- I'll take it, how much? - Four hundred.

- For that old pile of junk? - You said it was a jewel.

I was talking as a friend, now I'm the buyer.

- Give you 250. - Forget it!

You turning down a friend?

The price is 400. Firm!

Four hundred, huh?

Is this a blue seal car?

Look, Ralph, it's an old car

and it probably won't last much longer.

I wouldn't want you to be unhappy.

Don't worry, Harry, I won't complain.

You got a deal at 400.

I'm taking off $5.

I figure I just lost that much in rubber.

Muah!

Morning, Harry.

Hey, let me hear how the new car sounds.

Okay, but don't expect my old car to sound the same.

- Turn the key, Harry. - I did.

Boy, it sure runs quiet.

Irma, the car doesn't work!

Call a tow truck!

Uh, want a lift, Harry?

I can't understand it, a brand new car and not starting.

This is the 12th one that I towed in this week.

- Bad ignition system! - Oh, great!

And after a 1 000 miles, it's the fuel pump that goes.

Bang

bang

And the original tires aren't too good either.

[Sam] Thank you, folks.

Now, just step right into the office and sign the contract.

Ma'am, are you sure I didn't see you in "Love Story?"

Sam! Sam, can I see you?

Howdy, what can I do for you?

- I just bought this car-- - You wanna sell it?

Sell it?

Sorry, this model's a drug on the market.

Bad ignition, fuel pump.

And it won't be much longer

before those other two tires go.

Bang

My advice to you, friend, is to take it back

to whoever stuck you with this mechanical monster.

I bought it form you!

Oh, I bet you're getting a lot of pleasure

out of driving this beauty.

- Oh, I've had a ball. - Now, no need to fret.

Boys, will you get this into the service department

right away?

Now, you just have some coffee in our waiting room.

It won't take long at all!

Bang

Another satisfied customer just getting his free oil change.

- Your first time? - Yeah.

This is my eighth.

After the first two or three you get used to it.

- Mr. Cleaver? - Yes, yes.

Good news, you have a happy, healthy car.

You can take it home now.

Huh, home! Home!

I can see my wife and kids again.

Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you!

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Hey, how long have you been here?

- What day is it? - Thursday!

- What month? - November.

Gee, I'm gonna miss the whole football season.

Well, I'm not waiting around.

I'm gonna find out what's going on.

Haven't you even started on my car?

- Is this ignition and tires? - Yes.

Well, sorry, I'm headlights.

Left headlight.

Oh, I forgot.

The age of specialization. Where's the service manager?

When're they gonna start on my car? The blue one?

Oh, yes, well, first we have to check it out

with our new electronic computerized diagnostic system.

Well, why is it taking so long?

Oh, it broke down. But don't worry.

We're flying in a technician from overseas.

Well, meanwhile, can't you at least get the tires fixed?

Sorry we ran out of air.

Car still in the shop, Harry?

Yeah, and I can't afford to take cabs anymore.

Look, Ralph--

I gotta show you what I installed in this baby.

Watch.

I just press the button...

...and the Ruskies count this car

as spearheadin' our armored column.

Oh, with that knowledge, I'll sleep easier tonight.

Hey, what're neighbors for?

Look, Ralph, I need a lift to work tomorrow.

- Negative. - What?

Every day, for the last six years, I've driven you to work.

Now, the one time I ask you--

Harry, you're out of my way.

Okay, okay, I don't need your favors.

I'll get to work somehow.

Hello, dear.

Have you heard from Smiling Sam?

The car's not ready yet.

Not ready yet! I'll sue him.

I'll go get a lawyer.

Wait a minute.

I don't have transportation to get a lawyer.

Chet.

Chet, you'll have to drive me to the office tomorrow morning

on your motorcycle.

I can't, pop.

I'm taking a chick to the beach tomorrow morning.

I don't care! First, you're driving me to work.

Chet, watch out!

[Harry] Aah!

Want me to pick you up tonight, pop?

No, thanks.

My insurance policy doesn't cover accidents while flying.

50 cents is your final price?

Yeah, pop, I was gonna use it after school.

Okay.

Now, look, I want my car and I want it now.

What?

You're kidding. I don't believe it.

I don't believe it!

What is it, Harry?

Detroit recalled Smiling Sam's mechanics.

They had faulty training.

Oh, no.

Well, what happens to the car?

I don't care anymore.

I've been swindled and I'm gonna get

my down payment back.

But you signed a contract, Harry.

Yeah, the only thing that worked in that place

was the pen.

Now, calm down, honey.

Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.

Oh, by the way, I hope you're in the mood

for a nice, cold salad.

That's all?

I can't cook anything, the stove's out of order.

What!

Well, I called the repairman.

He said he couldn't get here till Friday.

Why not?

He bought his truck at Smiling Sam's.

Well, then call another repairman.

I did, Harry, one was able to give me an appointment

for next Tuesday.

Oh, repairmen!

They're gonna inherit the Earth.

We have all the modern conveniences.

Automatic washers, driers, self-defrosting refrigerators

and behind each one is a repairman waiting to say

the magic words, it has to go back to the shop.

Well, I've got news for ya, there is no shop.

We'll show you some more Smiling Sam specials

in a moment, folks.

But first, I'd like you to meet Mr. Jai Lucas

another one of our satisfied customers.

Where did he find a satisfied customer?

I am a satisfied customer.

Now, how much did you save on the deal, Mr. Lucas?

On the deal, I saved over $400.

From now on, I will buy all my cars from Smiling Sam.

He'll have to buy one a week.

Not only did they give me a good deal

they also treated me with the utmost courte...

- Courte... - Courtesy, courtesy.

Courtesy, courtesy.

Thank you very much, Mr. Lucas, another satisfied customer.

I am a satisfied customer.

What a phony act.

I found out they pick people right off the street

and pay 'em $5 to say those things.

Figures.

- I applied for the job myself. - What?

They wouldn't take me.

They said I don't look like a car buyer.

Well, one of these days a real customer

is gonna get in front of that camera and...

Ye-e-eah.

We'll be going on in five minutes.

Alright, somebody throw this mangy cat on the hood.

Ooh, he's startin' to smell.

Tomorrow run him through the car wash.

Are you today's satisfied customer?

Yup they're paying me five bucks.

Well, here's ten.

Go be satisfied some place else, huh?

Well, I'm all set, Sam.

Where's the flunky for the commercial?

Oh, the faces they give me to work with!

I am the makeup man, not the miracle worker.

I don't care what people say, I know we'll be happy together.

Two seconds, Sam.

Good, I dropped a bundle at the track.

I really gotta zap the suckers today.

We're on the air.

Howdy, folks, Smiling Sam here with my faithful kitty cat.

OI' Claude!

Before showin' you today's special

I would like for you to meet Fred Hawkins,

another satisfied customer.

I'm not Fred Hawkins. I'm Harry Boyle.

And I'm not satisfied.

I bought a car here two weeks ago

and the only ride I've had in it

was when I was towed back to the service department.

Look, Papa's on television.

He looks just like Rock Hudson.

You should see the service department.

They got customers waiting there

who're listed as missing in action.

Read the cards, that's it, read the cards.

Sock it to him, pop.

You know, when he's angry

he looks more like Steve McQueen.

And you know where they find their satisfied customers?

- They-- - Now, hold on, friend.

Somehow, I got the impression

that you ain't happy with the deal that we gave you.

You're darn right, I ain't happy.

And I want my money back.

Money? Back?

That's right, my down payment of $600.

Folks, just to show you the kind of operation

that we run

I'm gonna return this man's money,

right here on the TV.

Yay!

Wow, he did it.

You know, there's a little of Burt Reynolds in him too.

There you go, friend.

Now, folks, you've just seen another one

of our satisfied customers and now, back to the movie.

Please.

And you didn't see me in "Love Story" either.

There, it's stripped, here's your keys.

Ah, you're a pal, Ralph.

Well, the car wasn't suiting my purpose anyway.

With all the armor, I could only get it up

two miles an hour.

Yeah, I guess that's not too good for blitzkriegs.

You don't know how much I'd missed this old hulk.

I'm gonna take her for a spin and get reacquainted.

Have fun, Harry.

Shall we let him have it?

At ease.

Sorry, Harry, forgot to tell you

I installed a security system.

When a stranger turns on the ignition, it sets off an alert.

How do you turn it off?

There's a secret switch right, uh...

Where did I put that switch?