Original subtitles

A craving?

It can't be!

[Harry] Think, Irma! When did you have that

very same craving before?

A long time ago, when I was pregnant with Jamie...

It can't be.

It all ties in. The dizzy spells

the raspberry ice cream and pickles.

Irma, don't you understand? We're pregnant!

Oh, let's wake up the kids and tell 'em.

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad, and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean? ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

- Eggs and bacon, dear? - Sorry, have to go to work.

I'm meeting my shipping clerk 15 minutes early.

Fifteen minutes early?

That's exploitation of the poor working class.

What exploitation, and what poor?

We're meeting to talk about his raise

his benefits, and his vacation bonus.

Luxuries I can't afford.

Because unfortunately, I own the business.

Speaking of vacations, Harry

isn't it time we made plans for ours?

I already have.

I'm gonna put a hammock in the backyard

and lie unconscious for two whole weeks.

But can't we do something different this year?

Okay, then we'll lie unconscious in the front yard.

Well, I was really hoping we might go to Europe.

Europe? Oh, you can't.

Planes going there pollute 5,000 miles of air.

It should be illegal to do

any traveling except by foot. Or bicycle.

Oh, gotta go, there's my ride.

If you're so concerned about pollution

why don't you walk to school?

But it's over three blocks.

About Europe, we really owe it to ourselves

to get away once in a while.

I know, Irma. Owing ourselves is one thing

but owing the finance company is another.

Maybe next year. Hey, what's wrong, honey?

Oh, nothing, um, I-I just felt a little dizzy.

- I'm alright now. - You sure?

- Positive. - Oh, you need a rest, too.

I'll tell you what? We'll get two hammocks

and both lie out there unconscious.

Alright, troopers, police the area.

And Sergeant Whittaker

wipe the lipstick off that bugle.

Hi, Harry. Can you give me a ride to work?

How can I say no with that cannon pointed at me?

[Ralph] So, Irma wants you to go to

Europe this summer, huh? What a great idea!

- Also an expensive idea. - It's worth it.

Just think of all the beautiful sights you could see.

The Maginot Line the Siegfried Line.

The corrupt munitions plant.

And if you really wanted to enjoy yourself

you could run a half track and visit all the battlefields.

I wish my wife was like Irma.

Mine always wants to spend money on stupid things.

Like, when I used my Christmas bonus to

buy that cannon, she went crazy.

She actually wanted to blow the dough foolishly

by adding a second bathroom to the house.

Hmm, the things women think are important.

She just couldn't get it through her head

that what we really needed was artillery.

I mean, no new set of quiet flush fixtures

is gonna keep the Commies from comin' up Elm Street.

Right, in fact, it might attract them.

- Attract them? - Sure.

The Red Army would probably attack our neighborhood first.

Just so they could use your house for a comfort stop.

Yeah... Yeah, I-I see what you mean.

But the first two weeks in August

I'll be lying in my backyard hammock.

Hey, those two weeks we'll be havin' our war games.

- You're kidding? - Nope.

There'll be a hundred of us vigilantes

from all over the country.

Stagin' at my house, right next to you.

A hundred? War games?

Harry, the light's green.

Yes, sir, it'll be a wonderful thing for the neighborhood.

Oh, Harry, just imagine, Europe!

Oh, where will our first stop be?

From the prices, I'd say the hock shop.

Could we save if we went family plan?

- Uh, how does that work? - It's very simple.

You, the wife, go for 52% of the regular excursion

coach economy stand by, seasonal fare plus tax

providing we are both between the ages of 22 and 63

use the aisle seats, and leave from Cleveland

on a Wednesday night

stay exactly 15 days and 10 hours

and come back on a rainy Thursday

with a two-day stopover in Iceland.

And I think we also help with the dishes

and aren't supposed to peek at the movie.

I'll do anything just to get there.

Hmm, then the tough part.

After we get there, what tour do we take?

How about this?

"Europe by bus, ten countries in seven days."

- How do they do it? - Easy, no stops.

And they probably go through nine of 'em at night.

Oh, look here. "Twelve countries in six days."

Is that by bus, too?

On that schedule, you gotta be

shot out of a cannon.

Harry.

I-Irma, what is it?

Oh, nothing, uh, just a little dizzy.

Now that's the second time today.

Oh it must be just the excitement about the trip.

Say, any chance I could go with you?

But you said you were against the trip.

I changed my mind.

I realized I owe it to my generation to

picket the American Embassy in London.

Just give me the sign. I'll leave it in your name.

Who's gonna take care of us while you're gone?

Oh, we'll probably have Aunt Mabel stay here.

Aunt Mabel? Here we go!

Two weeks of drippy tomato sandwiches.

Speaking of food

I think I'll get a dish of raspberry ice cream.

And maybe a few pickles to go with it.

Raspberry ice cream and pickles?

These tours, they're all so specialized.

Golf tour, wine tour, zoo tour. What's there for people like me

who are only running away from carpools?

I'll tell you what? Forget the tours.

We'll get a couple of plane tickets to Paris

and wing it from there.

Great idea. Let's celebrate.

There's some raspberry ice cream left.

- Uh, would you like some? - No, thanks.

It's a shame we're out of pickles.

I have such a craving for them.

A craving?

It can't be!

Think, Irma! When did you have that

very same craving before?

A long time ago, when I was pregnant with Jamie...

It can't be.

It all ties in. The dizzy spells

the raspberry ice cream and pickles.

Irma, don't you understand? We're pregnant!

Oh, let's wake up the kids and tell 'em.

I guess it's too late.

I wonder if Isabelle Herms still has our crib.

Just think, the future president of the United States

maybe on his way.

Oh, our washing machine will never make it.

Oh promise you'll let me tell the kids

about it in the morning, huh?

I can't believe I'm really pregnant.

Did you remember to put in an extra bologna sandwich, mom?

I can sell it to Doug Burch for a quarter.

Can't you wait a minute?

Your father has something important to tell you.

But if I don't sell my baloney first

someone else might beat me to it, with liverwurst!

Well, Alice, looks like you'll be the first to hear--

Oops, that's my ride. See ya tonight, mom.

Good morning, dear.

Ah, there's big news today!

Your reporter has just learnt from the local stork that...

Where is everybody?

Alice and Jamie had to leave.

Oh, well, I guess I can always tell Chet.

If he ever gets up.

- He left an hour ago. - That early?

- To get a job? - No, to catch the tide.

He went surfing. Everybody's gone.

Fine thing. Big news like this

and the only one in the family interested is Julius.

Well, there's always Ralph. At least I can tell him.

Very well, Whittaker. Fire the morning salute.

Alright, who's the wise guy

who's been dumping garbage in the cannon?

Ralph, I got big news for you.

Yeah?

Company, dismissed. What is it?

We're gonna have a new addition at our house.

You mean you're putting on a bathroom?

No, no. Irma is gonna have a baby!

- You want everybody to hear? - Well, why not?

Harry, you're my friend.

I try to cover for you on everything.

But even I won't be able to help you

if news get out you're bringing

another radical into the world.

Every baby is a radical?

Look, he grows up, you send him to school, right?

Sure.

After that, you' send him to college, right?

- So? - So another college kid.

Bingo another radical.

You know something, Ralph?

That garbage on your head, it's not all on the outside.

Believe me, I'm right about this.

If you're a good American, you'll go right back

and tell Irma you've decided

not to go through with it.

And you're feeling okay? No dizziness?

Ah, good. When did you see the doctor?

This afternoon.

I guess our trip to Europe is out of the question now.

We won't miss it.

Now we've got a family plan of our own.

I'll see you tonight.

And I'm bringing you a whole barrel of pickles.

A baby, huh?

Gee, you're kind of old for that, aren't you, Harry?

Obviously not.

I mean, you're almost 50.

So, when the kid's 10, you'll be about 60.

That could be a problem, Harry. A real problem.

Oh, it won't be any problem.

I know how to be a good father to my kids.

So, I'll be a few years older with the next one.

Now what difference will that make?

Okay, dad, here comes a real easy one.

Oh, gee, dad. You never can keep up with me.

Want me to cut your steak for you, dad?

No use, son. I left my teeth at home.

Mr. Boyle? Ai told me your wife is expecting.

Yes, that's right.

Well, as your accountant, I feel I should inform you

as to the financial obligations this will entail.

Oh sure, we'll have to

buy a high chair and some safety pins.

At age 18, this child will represent

an expenditure pre-tax of $34,472 and 90 cents.

Thirty four thousand--

Then his college expenses

could add another 25.

Fifty nine thousand--

And you don't even know

what you're getting for your money.

Now, uh as an investment

I really can't recommend it, Harry.

Anyway, I, I thought you'd like to know.

Well, that's all.

Uh... congratulations.

Mom, what was it you wanted to tell us this morning?

It's something your father wants to tell everybody.

- What's all the mystery? - You'll see.

Uh, watch the sauce, Alice.

I wanna get some flowers from the garden.

Flowers?

I know. You and daddy had a fight.

Honey, you couldn't be further from the truth.

Harry, why are you driving the company truck?

Well, I'm helping out with the deliveries.

This way I won't have to hire an extra driver.

But that's a lot of work.

I can do it nights, after supper.

It'll save wear on the family car, too.

It's the baby, isn't it?

Well, it's part of it.

Harry, uh, you're not sorry, are you?

Oh, sweetheart, I couldn't be happier.

It's just that... Well, you know...

...we're, we're gonna have to make some adjustments.

And nothing we haven't done before.

Right. Of course, before

I was figuring on retiring at 60.

Now I'll have to hang in there a little longer.

Say till I'm 90?

We'll manage.

Come on, we'll have a nice dinner.

It's roast beef.

And then, we'll break the good news to the kids.

And also the bad news. From now on, it's hamburger.

So, that's it.

And even though the tests aren't official

'it looks as though the Harry Boyles"

are going to have a baby.

[Irma] Well, um, uh, what do you think?

I guess you must be very happy.

Yeah, it's, uh... it's really great, pop.

Well, your enthusiasm is overwhelming.

Hey, what's going on here? You-you act as though

I'm the advance man for the plague.

Well I think it's great.

- Right on! - I'm glad someone approves.

Thank you, Jamie. You're all heart.

Now I have a built-in babysitting job.

I'll make a fortune.

I take it back, you're all wallet.

But at least it's better than the way--

I'm sorry if we seemed rude, pop...

...but to be honest with you, it's kind of a shock.

You see, I'm deeply involved with ZPG.

ZPG? You joined a fraternity?

No, it means zero population growth.

And I believe in it, too.

We've gotta restrict the number of people in the world.

Or by year 2000, there won't be enough food.

It could happen next week with your sister around.

[Irma] Now Harry, she's just a growing girl.

And what about jobs?

With so many people, there'll be mass unemployment.

It'll be a waste of time even to look for work.

Now really, Chet. You don't think--

Don't argue with him about that, Irma.

On not looking for work, he's an expert.

[Alice] Try to understand, daddy.

It will be kind of embarrassing for us

now that our very own parents are contributing

to the population explosion.

What explosion? This isn't the atomic bomb.

We're talking about one little baby.

But it all adds up.

- We call it people pollution. - Right.

Every family should have only two children.

I see. and you both believe in that. No exceptions, right?

- Absolutely. - Right.

[Harry] Well, maybe we can work something out.

Now, let's see.

'When the new baby comes, we'll have four children...

So then your mother and I will sit down and decide

which two of our extra kids to give away.

And I've got a pretty good idea which two it'll be.

Harry, I know you're disappointed

but try not to let it upset you.

It used to be when you became a father, everybody was happy.

Today, you announce it and they put up

a mug shot of you in the post office.

- It's not really that bad. - Not bad?

Ralph wants to court-martial me for siring a subversive.

All Ai can say is that I'm too old.

And my accountant's only reaction was that

I could do better at the bank.

Who cares what strangers think?

What about our own kids? You heard them.

They're all set to vote me in as public menace number one.

- Well, they're at that age. - I can see it now.

Every time I take the baby out in public

our kids will be there to protest.

People polluter. People polluter.

Pass him by. Pass him by.

Is it wrong, Irma?

Is it so bad we've got a good marriage

and are still attracted to each other?

I think it's wonderful.

I love you, Harry.

And I love you.

I only wish we could make the children understand.

The children are sleeping late this morning.

I kind of like the quiet.

Look, it's wrong for a commander to admit he's ever wrong

but I was wrong, alright?

About what, Ralph?

About the baby. Never should've sounded off like I did.

I was way out of line.

You two are doing the right thing.

Well, thank you, Ralph.

You've no idea how I appreciate this.

To know that at least someone approves.

Oh, absolutely!

That baby is gonna be the best thing that ever happened to us.

Knock it off, Whittaker. Loose lips sink ships.

If the Ruskies ever knew the plans

we've got for your kid...

- Plans? - Keep it down.

The guy next door has a Chinese gardener.

Everything he says goes right to Peking.

- But he's Japanese. - That's a disguise.

He's Chinese wearing Japanese makeup.

Anyway, about the baby...

...Company B is gonna take over and raise him for you.

Operation Superkid.

The first anti-Commie raised from bassinet

right through basic trainin'.

Oh, now, hold on.

The model American. He'll never be corrupted

because he'll never be sent to school.

I'll teach him all my bugle calls.

And we'll keep him away from playmates

so no minority kids can mix up his thinkin'.

But he'll have plenty of toys.

We'll make him a cute little armored tank

to drive around in, with trainin' wheels.

And this it's a real bazooka disguised as a pogo stick.

- Can I ask one question? - What's that?

Does Sergeant Whittaker know how to blow retreat?

Boyle, you're an ingrate.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Come back here, Whittaker! You weren't dismissed!

Your own fault, Whittaker.

I told you to keep that pogo stick on safety.

- Wow, what was that all about? - Crazy Ralph again.

Look, gang, I-I wanna say something.

If it's about the baby--

No, first, I want to apologize.

I ridiculed your ideas about zero population last night...

...and well, that was wrong.

You're entitled to your own beliefs.

And I've gone along with a lot of them.

I drive the car less because of air pollution

and-and mama doesn't use phosphate detergents

because of water pollution.

But when you call people a pollution, I-I can't go along.

And I guess I'm just old-fashioned

but when it comes to newborn life

I see it as a promise, not a problem.

What kind of propaganda is he spouting now?

He's either turned right wing liberal

or a very conservative thinko.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Anyway, I can't feel the slightest bit guilty about it.

You talk of love.

Well, this is an expression of love.

Just as each of you are an expression of love.

So kids, maybe your generation could

make family planning work

but an antique like me

when I find out I'm having another child

I'm not making a protest, I'm passing out cigars.

I'm afraid you won't be, Harry.

Uh, the tests were negative.

I'm not pregnant after all.

False alarm.

But it's still a good idea.

Now how do we get a baby?

Well, if it's for the good of the country

I can propose to a sailor.

Steady, Whitaker.

I'm sorry, honey.

So am I.

But at least now we don't have the problem.

[Alice] Mama, papa.

Ah, funny thing, but despite everything I said

I really wish now we were going to have a baby.

Yeah, I feel the same way.

The little guy couldn't have ever found nicer parents.

Right. Now when do we start eating up

all that, uh, left over raspberry ice cream?

- Irma. - Did you call me?

I just remembered about our summer vacation.

I guess we can go to Europe now.

Oh, um, I forgot to tell you in all the excitement.

Tell me what?

Well, you know my dizzy spells?

The doctor said I was run down

and shouldn't take a long trip.

Well, what do we do?

Well, um, what he recommended was lying around

in a backyard hammock for a couple of weeks.