Original subtitles

Let's see, uh, Boyle, Boyle...

Ah, Boyle, here we are.

Geez! Holy smokes!

Sergeant I have to talk to you about this.

Now I wanna get a delay.

You look like you had a delay, about two wars delay.

Size 40 pants. Inseam 30. Coat, 44.

Listen, I don't want this stuff.

You don't want this stuff?

What'd you expect, stretch pants and a see-through shirt?

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy ♪ ♪ doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

And so ends the late show.

Tune in tomorrow night for "Godzilla meets Gidget."

It's 3:00 in the morning.

It's the second night in a row Chet's been out this late.

But Harry, why get so upset? He's over 21.

Chet should be working at a job.

Then he'd have to get to bed at a decent hour.

Be tolerant, Harry.

He's maturing more slowly than usual.

Remember, he was a ten-month baby.

Yeah, he was late even then.

Jamie, you should be sleeping.

I lost a tooth.

Put it under your pillow

and when you wake up, you'll find a dime.

That's why I came down. It was a molar.

And I think it's worth a quarter.

The tooth fairy has a flat rate, ten cents.

Can't we negotiate?

The tooth fairy doesn't negotiate.

But it's always been a dime.

I should think with inflation

I was due for a cost of living increase.

Uh, you'll just have to tighten your belt

like everybody else.

- Okay, give me the dime. - I'll owe it to you.

No credit. I can't afford to lose teeth on spec.

I wonder if J. Paul Getty started this way.

No sign of him.

It's late, Harry. We should go to bed.

I'll wait till he comes home.

Company, halt! At ease!

Take over, Sara.

How come you're awake, Harry? Can't be a problem.

Me and the vigilantes just finished

patrolling the neighborhood.

I Just wanna get some fresh air.

Yeah it's real quiet tonight.

Too bad. We were hoping to catch a mugger for Sara.

- It's her birthday. - Very thoughtful gift.

Yeah. It would've given her a chance to practice her karate.

Chet's home.

You ought to talk to that boy, Harry, comin' home at this hour.

He could wake up the whole neighborhood.

Company, ten-hut! Hut!

- Shut up! - Hey, we're tryin' to sleep!

Cut out that racket!

You should learn to be more thoughtful.

Just woke up the whole neighborhood.

Do you know how late it is?

Yeah, almost too late.

The world is on the brink of disaster from war

pollution and overpopulation.

When have you looked seriously at overpopulation?

I know, and when I look at you

I feel very guilty about my contribution.

Chet, I waited up because I wanna talk to you

about your going to work.

I'm not a worker, pop. I'm a thinker.

Chet, you're 22.

Now, why can't you be like other boys and run away from home?

I'm involved here. I work for humanity.

Look what I've done in the ghetto.

That's true, Harry.

He's got half the boys going to job training.

So what's he, Moses?

He can only lead them to the promised land?

What are you doing, Harry?

I was thinking about Chet.

What are you thinking?

If we could only have him recycled.

Recycled?

Yeah, as a pony.

I always wanted a pony.

You know, Harry, I think we should

consult a psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist? About what?

Chet, he's disturbed.

He's not disturbed, he's lazy.

[Irma] I will not have you saying that about my son.

He's half mine. And maybe your half is crazy

but my half is lazy.

We'll go see Dr. Carter tomorrow.

So in many ways, doctor, he hasn't grown up.

Tell me, was Chet an unwanted child?

Not right away, but as he got older, definitely.

I would say that Chet is like many of today's young people.

He's timid about crossing the threshold

separating childhood from manhood.

He needs a push.

How about a kick?

Doctor, what can we do?

Ah! The first thing.

Uh, Mr. Boyle, let the boy work for you.

Why me? Don't I have enough trouble already?

It's a small step.

Earning a living being paid for the effort

will arouse the juices of manhood

and start the sap of conquest flowing through his body.

Look, we just wanna get him working, not oversexed.

Don't give him a specific job.

Just let him be a sort of a troubleshooter.

There's no trouble at my company.

I have faith in Chet. He'll find some.

Uh, what are you doing?

If you don't mind, doctor

I'm praying for another decision.

Hey, Burt, this handle came off.

Yeah, that's a damaged one.

Sometimes, the bolt is too short and works loose.

Hmm, this could be dangerous.

No, no, not really.

See, everything's inspected before it's shipped.

This crate's full of rejects.

Still, a thing like this, we can't be too careful.

Well, Chet, how's my troubleshooter doing, eh?

He found some... In our defective crate.

Yeah, the handle came off.

That's why it was in the defective crate.

We've shipped all three thousand of 'em, Mr. Boyle

and I tried to stop him.

Chet, what did you do?

Ralph Nader would be proud.

I sent out a recall for the three thousand parts.

Oh!

And I do love my son, doctor.

But is there some way I could get rid of him

without having to serve a prison term?

Mr. Boyle, you've overreacted.

Or could I fake a blood test and prove I'm not his father?

Doc, I've gotta fire him.

You'd destroy his confidence forever.

What can I do?

Come see me twice a week.

Irma, you have any idea what shipping those

three thousand pots and pans back and forth is gonna cost?

So he made a little mistake.

No! We made the mistake and it wasn't little.

Twenty-two years ago, you gave birth to a time bomb.

Today, it went off.

[Harry] Irma if you'll remember

I started the business from nothing.

Which is a very small investment.

Are we having stew again?

With what's going on, you better get used to stew.

Sorry I'm late, mom. I had a nap.

That's understandable. You had a tiring day

finding that loose handle.

Look, I'm sorry you're angry, pop.

But in today's world, it's our duty

to watch out for the consumer.

Ralph Nader showed us the way.

Well, that maybe, but even Ralph Nader

never turned in his own father.

I'll get it for a quarter.

- Just get it. - A dime?

A nickel?

Boy, between you and the tooth fairy

free enterprise has really suffered a setback.

He certainly is money conscious.

Yeah, I got Scrooge scrimping at home

and Santa Claus giving it away at the office.

Special delivery for Chet. From the draft board.

"Greetings, you're hereby requested to appear

"for induction at the army induction center

thirty days from the above date..."

I don't think I'm hungry anymore.

Mind some company, Chet?

Sit down, pop.

[Harry] Nice night.

You know, Chet, we've had our differences.

But when something like that induction letter happens

it-it makes a father realize just how unimportant

everything but his boy really is.

- Pop, listen-- - No, let me finish.

The shame of this world is that every generation

a father has to make this speech to his son.

Hold it, pop.

I appreciate what you're sayin', I really do.

There's something I have to tell you.

I'm not going.

The draft is against my principles.

So I've decided to run away.

I've been thinking of going to Sweden.

But you don't have any winter underwear.

Irma, please, let me talk to him.

There's nothing more to talk about, pop.

My mind's made up, I'm not going.

I think I'll go for a walk, Irma.

I have a little thinking to do.

Hi, Harry.

Hey, what's wrong? You look terrible.

It's Chet. He's talking about going to Sweden.

Sweden? Harry, you can't let him go to Sweden.

They started sex.

Ralph, there must've been sex before there were Swedes

or there wouldn't have been any Swedes.

Why is he goin'?

Chet got his induction notice

and he's decided to run away.

Oh, boy. When they got into Cuba

I knew they'd soon be next door.

What are you talkin' about, Ralph?

You better face it, Harry. You got a Bolshevik

Iivin' under your roof.

Ralph, you're talkin' about my son.

Wrong, Harry. You just think it's your son.

The way I see it, 22 years ago, the stork didn't deliver him.

He came by U-boat.

[Ralph] The Ruskies landed a baby on the beach.

With diapers and a compass. He crawled to the hospital'

got rid of the real Chester Boyle

and took his place.

Waiting for the day when he could play his part

in overthrowin' the country.

The real Chester Boyle is in a Russian labor camp

where they're sweating secrets out of him.

The man you got Iivin' with you is a secret agent.

Trained for years before he landed here to disrupt our army.

Turn him in, Harry. Harry?

Dad, this is Mo Hart, Jim Lane and Fred Johnson.

They're with the underground that helps

draft evaders get to Canada.

Chet, this is wrong.

Running away isn't the answer.

Now if you don't like the system

stay and try and change it.

This is what the country's about.

Yeah and they'll throw me in jail.

But if you're sincere in what you believe in

that's the price you should be ready to pay.

I'm sorry, pop, my mind's made up.

Okay, fellas, you let me know when.

In about a week, Chet.

It was nice meetin' you, Mr. Boyle.

Say by the way, if you ever wanna

get out of town, uh, let us know.

It's a boy, Harry.

Uh we'll call him Chester. Chet for short.

I like that. Chester Boyle.

And he'll grow up to be a doctor.

A surgeon, a great surgeon.

Thank you. For my next number

I will do a heart, lung, and stomach transplant...

...blindfolded.

That's it. You may close.

Oh!

When I grow up, I'm gonna be the best pilot

in the whole air force.

Bring out the prisoner.

Boyle, you've been found unfit to wear the uniform of a flyer.

- Irma, wake up. - Huh? What?

- I made a decision. - Good for you, dear.

I'm going down to the induction center

and asking for an extension for Chet.

Now isn't that a good idea?

I knew you'd think so. Go to sleep, dear.

Let's see, uh, Boyle, Boyle...

Ah, Boyle, here we are.

Geez! Holy smokes!

The country must be in serious trouble.

Sergeant, I have to talk to you about this.

Now, I wanna get a delay.

You look like you had a delay

about two wars delay.

Size 40 pants. Inseam 30. Coat, 44.

Listen, I don't want this stuff.

You don't want this stuff?

What'd you expect, stretch pants and a see-through shirt?

Just get in that line.

[Chet] You're not gettin' on that bus.

You better let him get on the bus, Chet. It's papa.

Alice, what are you doing on that sidewalk?

It's alright, daddy. I've got my old clothes on.

Oh, go ahead, beat me, kick me.

Drag me by the hair.

No, don't, you'll tear his pants.

I paid 25 bucks for them.

Harry! Harry, you've gone and done it, good boy!

I knew you were a real American

underneath all those liberal children.

You got it all wrong, Ralph.

Sergeant Whittaker, my friend, Harry Boyle, is enlisted.

You're lucky. I tried to enlist, but they won't take me.

They're afraid I'm trigger-happy.

Go over there and get a Commie for me, Harry.

Get one for me.

Go over and get your own Commie, Ralph.

- Cowards! Bullies! - Cowards! Commies!

- Cowards! Bullies! - Cowards! Commies!

I'd like to get one of you in a dark alley.

Steady, Whittaker.

Oh, let me give 'em one little karate chop.

Are you nuts? You're a trained killer.

- You could end up in jail. - What do you think this is?

The Hearst Castle?

- What are you doin'? - Makin' a boundary.

I'm dividin' the area.

Now all the rotten Commies stay on that side.

This side is America.

Stay away, Chet. You should be ashamed.

Lettin' your father go into the army in your place.

In my place?

That's why he was at the induction center.

He couldn't stand the thought of the name Boyle

being up there with Benedict Arnold.

[Chet] Hi, mom. Hi, dad.

The judge let us go. We're all on probation.

Dad, I want you to know I appreciate what you're doing.

What am I doing?

Going into the army in my place.

To know that you love me that much, that you feel--

Ah, but Chet, your father's--

Irma, if Chet wants to say something nice to me, let him.

- But Harry-- - Irma, please.

This is the first sign of affection I've had in years.

Will you let me enjoy it?

Harry, you can't let him think you're going in his place.

Just for a while.

If I'd only known what it would take to make him love me

I would have enlisted years ago.

By this time, I might've been a general.

Pop, I can't do it.

I can't let you go into the army for me.

- Thank you, Chet. - I've got an errand to run.

Hey, pop... you're the greatest.

I told you my son would come to his senses.

My worries are over.

Tonight, I'll be able to sleep like a baby.

Hey, what's this all about?

Have another carrot, Mr. Boyle.

Thanks. After the first twenty, I lost my taste for them.

Hey, smile, your troubles are just about over.

- What troubles? - You'll be safe in Canada.

Canada? I don't wanna go to Canada.

You have to go, man.

The underground machinery is in motion.

You go by carrots to Stockton

by tomatoes to Eureka, onions to Portland

and you change to potatoes for Seattle.

Isn't there a different route than onions to Portland?

Oh, there's garlic to Montana.

Let's stick with the onions to Portland.

Now sit tight, Mr. Boyle.

Yeah, don't try to go nowhere, man.

Those jammies don't have any footsies in 'em.

Well, have we been Beddy-bye, or are we going Beddy-bye?

Officer, this is not what you think.

Oh, you're running away from home, right?

Get in the car.

Harry, uh, Dr. Carter was nice enough to

come all the way to Bakersfield to get you out.

You can at least talk to him.

I don't need a psychiatrist.

Harry, they found you hitchhiking in your pajamas.

I wasn't hitchhiking, I was kidnapped.

But I was in the very same bed with you.

Why didn't they take me?

They like me better.

Irma, they didn't want you.

Harry Boyle, I'm just as desirable as you are.

You were only dreaming, Harry.

- Okay, I was dreaming. - Good.

Now, did you meet anyone in your dream?

Yes, a pretty girl.

She was dreaming she was walking in a Cross-Your-Heart girdle.

Harry!

Uh-uh, it's nothing, Mrs. Boyle.

He simply had a provocative dream.

In my bedroom?

Uh, how is your sex life, Harry?

My sex life is not your business.

But Harry--

Irma, my sex life

is not your business either.

I'm only trying to find

a basis for your behavior.

Stop making a big deal out of it.

My idiot son had me kidnapped!

It's nice to see Chet busy.

Last week, we were a normal family.

Now we've got two jailbirds

and I'm about to become an outpatient

from a mental home.

I was just tryin' to be helpful.

Helpful? My business is a shambles.

I've been drafted, kidnapped, jailed, and accused of insanity.

All because you decided to run away from a draft.

Pop, I just want you to know

I'm grateful for everything you did.

There's nothing to be grateful about.

I never intended to take your place.

Anyway, your worries are over. I'm going to Canada.

Oh, Chet!

Oh, now, Irma, stop that.

Well, I can't help it. When you carry a baby

a bond of love develops that is never broken.

You carried him a few months. I've carried him 22 years.

Don't worry, mom. I'm not leaving yet.

First, I have to finish up my work in the ghetto.

I can't abandon my friends without an explanation.

Oh, that's nice. and while you're explaining

you might also advise 'em that because you're skipping out

one of them will probably be taking your place in the army.

Harry, he's leaving us. We're losing a son.

Irma, we're not losing a son.

We're probably gaining a house full of FBI men.

I understand this all I need to take to the induction center.

Chet, you're not going to Canada?

No, mom.

Well, when you get married

you can go to Niagara Falls

and Canada is right there.

Goodbye, dad. Thanks.

Goodbye, son.

Hi, mom, dad.

Chet, you're home!

There was a draft overcall.

They sent me home, indefinitely.

Harry, isn't it wonderful?

- Oh, welcome home, son. - Thanks, pop.

And I've decided to come into your business.

Great, huh, pop?

Yeah, great.

No, you don't. I'm not going to Canada this time.

- W-What is it? - It's just me.

Jamie, what are you doing here?

I just lost another tooth.

It's one with the filling.

Considering that, you think I could get a quarter?

That's a big filling. Silver, too.

I think that's worth at least a dollar.

Wow, pop! I love you.

Likewise, Jamie.

[Irma] When the tooth fairy goes he really goes.

How come the raise, honey?

Well, if Chet's serious about coming to work

I may not have it much longer.

So I might as well give it away while I got it.