Original subtitles

Harry, the light's green.

- What's wrong with you, boy? - Oh, I got trouble.

Jamie has a pet mouse he's crazy about

and Irma insists I get rid of it.

She's absolutely right.

Well, there's nothing wrong with having a pet.

That's what they want you to think.

- Who's they? Wait, I know. - Right, the Commies.

Pets are a big part of their master plan to

take over the country.

A mouse is a Marxist?

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Hi, dear. I'm so glad you're home.

So am I.

Because I want you to tell Chet he has to get a haircut.

All the kids have long hair today.

I thought we decided not to let it bother us.

But just look at him.

Oh, he'll cut it eventually.

Soon as it's long enough to get tangled in the transmission.

And I want you to speak to Alice, too.

She's been pestering me for a new guitar.

You tell her she can't have one.

Now why do I always have to be the villain?

Every night when I come home, the first thing I get

is a contract on all my kids.

A father should handle discipline.

Yeah, well, that's the way it goes.

Mamas make themselves the angels.

[Harry] She bakes all the favorite pies.

Bandages all the little cuts.

And says yes to everything so everybody loves her.

But papa has to play the ogre.

He's made into the House Frankenstein.

The monster she uses to say no to everything.

With the assignments the wives give us

I'm surprised the stores do any business at all on Father's Day.

Children, your father has something to tell you

while I'm out in the kitchen getting you a nice dessert.

Well, gang, three things. Chet, get your haircut.

Alice, sorry, no guitar.

And Jamie, please pass the butter.

Why do I have to cut it?

Well, it doesn't hurt as much as pulling it up

and it's safer than burning.

- My old guitar sounds terrible. - I agree with you.

I know, it's your hair

and Chet, to tell you the truth I'm almost used to it.

But it's driving your mother crazy.

But what about my rights? I'm a human being.

What is your mother? A turtle?

Honey, we'll give your old guitar a tune up and new plugs.

All clear! Come in, angel!

[Harry] Oh, look. Apple pie!

What a nice mommy.

Pop, guess what?

I traded Joey, my old baseball glove

for a sensational trained mouse!

- A trained what? - Mouse.

- His name is Petey. - A-a live mouse?

You better keep him out of this house

and out of my sight.

You'll like him when you see how much money

I'm gonna make putting on shows.

Why are you taking the lettuce?

It's for Petey. He loves it.

Where's he now?

Now don't scream, Irma. Jamie, put the mouse away.

Uh, I-I won't scream.

Don't scream. Just don't scream.

You screamed!

Wow, it's a chain reaction!

You better get that mouse out of here, right now. Go on.

They didn't have to scream. It scared Petey.

I can feel his heart beating.

- Harry-- - I know.

Some mean old parent has gotta tell him

to get rid of his mouse. Guess who?

Instead of walking this way for the trick

use only your hind legs, like this.

Okay, Julius. I know you can do it

but it's trained mice that are box office.

Well, as they say, how's tricks?

Not good. I think his feelings are hurt.

- His feelings? - Sure.

Gee whiz, if you were introduced

to somebody's mother and sister

and all they did was yell and scream

wouldn't your feelings be hurt?

Well, I'd have to take into consideration

the fact that I was a mouse.

Look, Jamie, I-I know that mouse means a lot to you

and that you traded a good baseball glove for him.

And that he's supposed to do tricks.

Supposed to do tricks? Watch this.

Come on Petey. Dad's different. He likes you.

Don't you, dad?

I never met a mouse I liked better.

You hear that? So show him. Sit up. You see?

But you told him to sit up and he rolled over.

He doesn't understand English too good.

He's probably a foreign mouse or something.

Uh, Jamie--

You think a quarter's too much to charge

to see a real genius performing mouse?

Son, I'm afraid it isn't gonna work out.

He scares the daylights out of your mother and sister.

You're going to tell me

I gotta get rid of him, aren't you?

Well, you see--

Please don't make me give Petey away.

- We're best friends already. - But--

They won't even know he's here.

I'll keep him hid. Please, dad. Please?

Well... if there was some place...

I'll keep him in the garage.

They'd never know it's in the garage.

Okay. But remember if they find out he's here

he'll have to go.

And if they find out I agreed to it, I might have to go, too.

You know, Harry I really should've been

the one to tell Jamie he couldn't keep that mouse.

Oh, that's okay.

No, it was wrong. Very wrong.

Now he probably won't even talk to you

his own father.

[Jamie] Hi, everybody. How're you doin', pop?

Well, I'm off to school. See you tonight, Pop.

I, uh, better be going, too.

I was sure that boy would be heartbroken.

I guess it's just the way I handled it.

There's no problem as long as the kid knows who's boss.

Can you give me a lift to work, Harry?

Be with you in a minute, Ralph.

Did you hide you-know-who?

In the garage.

I put his cage behind the paint cans.

Attaboy! Over and out.

Mom, what do I do? I spilled a whole bottle of

nail polish on the rug.

Oh, that's terrible!

You're telling me, that's the last bottle I have.

- I mean about the rug. - The rug?

There's some turpentine in the garage.

Go get it, Alice.

Uh... O-okay, I-I understand.

A-alright, right. Tell-tell Alice I'm sorry

and give her a tranquilizer

and, uh, take a couple yourself.

Yes. Yes, I promise.

I'll make sure he gets rid of the mouse when I get home.

Err, this time, I really will.

Harry, the light's green.

- What's wrong with you, boy? - Oh, I got trouble.

Jamie has a pet mouse he's crazy about.

And Irma insists I get rid of it.

She's absolutely right.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with having a pet.

That's what they want you to think.

- Who's they? Wait. I know. - Right. The commies.

Pets are a big part of their master plan

to take over the country.

A mouse is a Marxist?

If it's a mouse today. It's a puppy dog tomorrow.

Take your pet shops encourage you to escalate.

You know, these people are now taking in bigger things.

Your ocelots, your alligators, your mountain lion.

[Harry] So what?

[Ralph] So one day, they blow a high frequency whistle in Moscow.

Everywhere them animals hear, and whamo!

We've lost the Cold War.

- By a whistle? - Right.

The pets turn on their masters, and while they're chewing up

and swallowing the whole American middle-class

the Ruskis walk in without firing a shot.

Ralph, I can't tell you what a pleasure it is

to ride home from work everyday with an outpatient.

What's wrong, pop?

Oh, I feel kinda bad about Jamie.

Oh, yeah. He's gotta get rid of Petey, doesn't he?

Yeah, poor kid. He's really crazy about that mouse.

Yeah, well-well, I'm crazy about my long hair.

But nobody felt bad about asking me to get rid of that.

Look, I'll make you the same deal.

You can keep your long hair

providing that too stays in a cage in the garage.

Chet, I was hoping you can help me with this.

Okay. I'm sorry, pop.

But I don't know how we can convince Alice.

What about Alice?

Honey, is there any chance you might change your mind

about Jamie keeping Petey?

- Yuck! That mouse? - Why the yuck?

You got a picture of one on your wrist watch

your sweatshirt and even your pillow case.

What's wrong with having a real one in the garage?

But that's different.

Oh. Well, how about if we changed

Petey's name to "Mickey"? Then, can he stay?

But mi-mice are so... squirmy.

- And they carry the plague. - The plague?

Besides, I don't think mother would ever let...

Mother would ever what?

We were all discussing a way that somehow

little Jamie might keep his pet.

You mean that mouse?

Now, please don't say "Yuck!"

What'd be the harm if he stayed in the garage?

But he wouldn't. He'd get out

come in the house, go down in the cellar

and eat up all our Christmas decoration.

- Our Christmas decorations? - It happened to Sheila Wilson.

Mice got in her cellar and ate

all her painted macaroni reefs.

Well, if those are the objections, how about this?

I'll buy you a stainless steel Christmas reef.

And for you, I'll take out Bubonic insurance.

Now, I know Jamie will appreciate

what his two favorite girls have done.

So. I'll go tell him it's okay to keep Petey, huh?

Harry Boyle, what you're gonna tell that boy

is that he cannot keep that mouse.

- Yuck! - Precisely.

- Hi, pop. - Hi.

I was just looking for you.

I bought Petey a carrot.

About Petey. Uh, we may have to

change our plans a little.

I've thought about him all day.

I bet he missed me too.

[Harry] Jamie, listen carefully

a-and try to understand.

We're not gonna be able to keep--

He's gone! He's not there.

The catcher's broken on the door.

- All he had to do was to push. - No. He wouldn't do that.

He wouldn't leave me. You did something.

That's what you were trying to tell me.

You got rid of him, didn't you?

No, no, Jamie.

I-I like Petey. Honest. And I've been trying to--

You did what mom and Alice wanted...

...to a poor little mouse.

Son, you've got it all wrong.

I'll never believe you again, never!

Poor Jamie. Did you notice how he hardly ate any supper?

Well, how about poor papa?

Did you notice how his son won't even talk to him?

It would have been different if you'd only taken away

that mouse when we first asked.

Some difference. He would have hated me a whole day earlier.

Now, Harry...

At least, maybe now you understand

what I've been trying to tell you.

And when there has to be a villain

you won't always say

"'Wait till your father gets home."'

Oh, I'm saved. Pam Weaver had some polish in my shade.

Did you tell your father what you did, Alice?

She spilled nail polish on her rug.

I want you to talk to her, Harry.

Here I go again. Harry, the hired gun.

You're over-reacting, dad.

Look, you told me to cut my hair.

I didn't hate you for that did I?

No, that's right.

Of course you didn't cut it either.

Well, that rug is ruined.

We'll have to get a replacement.

Hey, a replacement! That's what Jamie needs.

That new pet store is open tonight.

We'll give him something to replace, uh...

...you know what.

Hello. Can I help you?

Uh, we'd like to get a pet for our little boy.

How about a mouse?

We'll make believe you never said that word

and you won't say it again, okay?

Oh, sorry.

Come to think of it, we don't have a pet M-O-U-S-E.

You may not think it to look at her, but she can spell.

And don't show us any S-N-A-K-E-S either.

Actually, we feature only modern pets.

Mountain lions, bobcats, grizzly bears, leopards...

- Ralph was right. - But aren't they dangerous?

We can practically guarantee it!

Beautiful! Soon as they turn vicious

we can double the price.

But suppose the owner is careless

and-and one of those gets loose in the neighborhood.

- It would be terrible. - It certainly would.

We never give refunds.

Apes are very popular.

How about the alligator?

Crocodile? Barracuda?

Isn't he a love?

And they're all graduates of dis-obedience school.

Sorry, we were thinking of something much smaller.

But not a black widow spider.

Wait! How about a myna bird?

A myna bird. They talk, don't they?

Oh, Jamie would like that.

- I-it's harmless, isn't it? - I'm afraid so.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't have one.

But I took it as a trade in toward a python.

Ah. My name is Sam.

Oh, Jamie will love him.

Hi there, hot lips.

He didn't seem very happy. How would you feel

if you were only a trade in on a python?

Well, Jamie will cheer him up.

They'll cheer each other up. You'll see in the morning.

It'll be just perfect.

I'll teach them not to mistreat a poor little mouse.

We'll take enough food so we never have to come back.

Now, now, Irma, don't worry.

He's probably on his way back already.

And he won't be hungry.

Not with six hard boiled eggs

and that whole sack of fried chicken.

Yeah, he'll be back.

Now, with that diet, he maybe cackling

a little, but he will be back.

- But where could he have gone? - Not far.

He had only 60 cents and five Mexican Pesos.

Look, I'll take a drive around. Maybe I'll see him.

What went wrong? I've been a good mother.

I did everything the magazines told me.

I just hope you just find that boy before the commies do.

Oh, not them again.

He's exactly the kind they're looking for.

A kid whose boiling mad at his stupid American father.

That makes him receptive to pinko think.

So they give him a crash course in subversive school.

Brain-wash and dry him. Then let him come back to you.

- They let him come back, eh? - A real sneak attack.

You see, he grows up, runs for president, and whamo!

They got their man in the White House.

Sergeant Whittaker. Round up the vigilantes.

We got us a man-hunt.

Now, you've all got your assigned area.

Mission, find Jamie Boyle and his dog. Got it?

- Right. - Uh, search and destroy.

Oh no, not destroy. Just search.

Could I swap someone for Oak Street?

My nephew lives there.

Negative. This is a man-hunt. Not a coffee klatch.

Well, how about some money for bus fare?

No mobile transport. This is infantry.

But I'm wearing flats. It's murder on the arches.

Alright. Just get results. This is a yellow alert.

But when we broke up the women's lib meeting

that was a red. How come this is only a yellow?

Because women carry nail files and scissors.

- Any other questions? - Uh, just one.

Does the dog bite?

Nobody lives forever, corporal.

- Hold it right there, Mac. - What is it?

Put your hands on the car.

I wanna check you out for concealed weapons.

- Is this really necessary? - I'm an unpaid volunteer.

A girl's gotta get some fringe benefits.

- Well, am I okay? - Not bad.

But I prefer sailors.

Now what's this all about?

We're looking for Irma Boyle's son.

So I'm investigating all suspicious characters.

But I'm Harry Boyle.

Now, you must've noticed me around here before.

Don't flatter yourself, sonny.

Don't you understand that I'm the boy's father?

- I'm Irma's husband. - That makes you perfect, huh?

Don't try to snow me. I have six husbands myself.

I know what they're like.

Look, if there's nothing else...

Sure, sure. Go on in. Relax.

You got nothing to worry about.

You're just the boy's father. Me, I gotta hoof it

all the way to the bus stop in these tight shoes.

And they wouldn't even let me swap for Oak Street

so I could see my nephew.

- Did you see Jamie? - No.

But I'm sure he'll be home soon.

Hi there, hot lips.

If you don't respect me, at least respect the uniform.

Err, any special place you wanna go?

South of the border.

Most of my money is in Mexican funds.

But any place is better than this.

Yeah, especially if your father's like you say.

Sounds like you got a real rotten deal.

Why, but he never even remembers your birthday.

Oh, no. He always remembers.

He does?

Then he forgets uh, Christmas then?

No, never.

He doesn't come to watch

when your team plays baseball.

No, he comes. He helps umpire.

But he never fixes things for you.

Like your bikes, or skates, or...

No. He's good at that.

We're making a dog house together.

But still, uh, there's other fathers you'd rather have.

Well, no. Not exactly.

But he did take away my mouse.

Yeah, terrible.

Of course, you actually saw him do it, didn't you?

Oh, look what I've done!

I ate all your supplies.

Now, you'll have to go back. I'm awful sorry.

That's okay. I'll get some more and start out again.

We got a lot of good things at home.

Son, you'll never know all the good things you've got at home.

It's Jamie. He's coming down the street.

I saw him out the front window.

Great. Now. look, it'd be better if you stay in the house.

- Now, let me handle this. - Harry Boyle you wouldn't!

It's for carving nails on the dog house.

Oh. Hi, Jamie.

I only came back to get supplies.

Sure, take all you need.

Say, if you're not in too much of a rush

could you help me with this?

Afraid I can't, pop.

This running away is practically a full-time job.

But it'd be nice if you were here.

Well, and, you know, in case Petey came back.

That's impossible.

Cut it out. You got rid of him.

He's never coming back.

- What's going on? - Jamie's back.

Oh, that's good.

Is it alright if I paint this bird stand?

If you do it in the garage.

I wonder what they're saying.

Maybe I better go without supplies.

You, uh, never did see the bird we got you.

Birds can't roll over.

Besides, you might get rid of him too.

Jamie, please believe me.

I did not get rid of Petey.

Then where is he?

Could that be?

It can't be anything else.

It is him! He's back!

I'm sorry about everything I said, pop.

I should've known you wouldn't do a thing like that.

That's okay, son.

Aren't screams awful?

Well, in this case, they don't bother me at all.

Irma, after all we've been through

let the boy keep his mouse.

I'm sorry, dear.

But I can't even sleep knowing it's out there.

Hi, everybody.

Jamie, bad news.

- About the mouse... - Oh, yeah.

- I'm getting rid of it. - Let's not argue... You are?

I'm trading him to Scott Armstrong.

Petey will like it. He's got other mice.

What a good idea!

And I'm trading him the bird too.

And he's giving me a swell snake about this long!

Well, the story of my life every, every time.

I'm a trade in on some lousy python.

Funny world.