Original subtitles

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

[Alice] See what I mean.

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We know.

How can you watch TV and do your homework at the same time?

It's easy, papa. The homework isn't that distracting.

That's good.

Besides, it's only math and math's easy.

Well, it should be. You're taking it for the third time.

Papa, please, not now.

Can't we talk during the commercial?

You have to learn to communicate with her, Harry.

Well, I'm trying to, but it's not easy.

The commercials only give me three minutes every half hour.

- Shh. - Chet has company on the porch.

Hey, who's the other fella?

It's Chet and a girl.

A girl? I wonder how Chet knows.

With today's haircuts and the jeans girls wear you can't tell.

Harry, come on. It isn't nice to watch.

You too, Julius.

You know this is the first girl Chet's ever brought home.

Um, I wonder what she's like.

Oh, that's easy. I'll tell you what she's like.

She'll be a symphony in foreign sneakers.

Axed up work pants.

A greasy old sweat shirt.

With the arms sawed off.

And the rest will be just spooky glasses.

All draped in stringy hair.

There maybe a real person somewhere in there.

But we'll never know.

But my feminine instinct tells me this maybe serious.

Serious? Oh, come on.

[Jamie] I think it is too.

Okay. Let's hear it from dear Abby of the diaper sect.

He gave me a dime, just to come in and watch TV.

Anything over a nickel is serious.

Beautiful. He's never had a job

and now he's bribing him with my money.

You know, I'm glad he's got a girl.

Behind every good man, there's a woman.

Yeah, riding his motorcycle.

I think they're coming inside.

- Um, do I look presentable? - For me, yes.

But for them, you better mess yourself up a little more.

[Chet] Mom. Pop. I'd like you to meet Prudence.

How do you do?

I'm delighted to meet Chester's parents.

Chester's parents?

Hmm. She's polite. She's neat.

Irma, it's a miracle. He's brought home Mary Poppins.

My compliment to the chef. Excellent meal.

And my compliments to Chet.

For his excellent taste in women.

Now, how long have you two been seeing each other now?

A few months.

And, uh... we have something to tell you.

Uh, Prudence and I have decided that...

Well, I think I've found the right girl and...

We're thinking of settling down.

[Prudence] We wanted to get your permission.

- And your blessing. - My permission? My blessing?

Pinch me, Irma. I've slipped back to the good old days.

- Then it's okay with you, pop? - I think you picked well.

I wish I could say the same for Prudence.

Oh, I'm so happy, dear. I've always wanted a daughter.

But I'm your daughter.

It's hard for her to remember.

Since the last dress you wore, was when you were christened.

But this calls for something.

So, let's open that bottle of apricot brandy

we were saving for a special occasion, eh?

Not for me, thanks. I don't drink.

You don't drink?

It's like smoking and all those things.

It just isn't feminine.

Why you're staring at me, pop?

With all due respect

I'm still trying to figure out what she sees in you.

I'll fix us some coffee.

Oh, let us do it, Mrs. Boyle.

You relax. You know where everything is don't you, Chet?

Sure.

I wonder when they'll plan the wedding.

It can't be right away.

They'll have to wait until he's able to support a wife.

But they probably won't wait.

They're young and they'll manage.

It'll be a beautiful wedding.

With all my worldly goods, I thee endow.

Hmm. That means she gets half his surfboards.

Oh, don't worry about things like that, Harry.

Love will find a way.

There's one other thing. We don't have too much money

and apartments are pretty high and--

[Irma] Yes?

We wonder, uh... could we live here?

You were right, Irma. Love found a way.

We'd be happy to have you, Chet.

- Wouldn't we, Harry? - Well, uh...

You see to manage with what Chet earns

we'll have to practice economy.

You'll have to practice witchcraft.

For example. I plan to give Chet all his haircuts.

Oh, well, that's a buck and a half a year right there.

Harry, I'm gonna open up that fruitcake your mother sent us.

Uh, could you help me get it down?

That fruitcake is in the bottom cupboard.

Honey, it's on the top shelf.

Where nobody but you can reach it.

Oh. Yeah.

We put it up there so burglars couldn't find it.

Harry, I had to get you away.

I mean why are you so unhappy?

Remember, you're not losing a son.

That's why I'm unhappy. I wanna lose a son.

Harry!

Honey, what I mean is

when a man is ready for marriage

he also should be ready to take on

the responsibility of marriage.

And stop being dependent on someone else.

But this girl seems so perfect. And if we can help--

But if we help, we're really hurting them.

Their marriage won't work until Chet learns to stand

on his own two feet.

Now I've got to tell him that.

Um, get the brandy first.

Look, Irma I love Chet.

I couldn't love him more if he were my own son.

Harry, he is your own son.

You'll never convince me.

I know there was a foul-up at the hospital.

Oh, now, maybe I'm being selfish.

But I thought that when Jamie grew up

and finished college, I could think of retiring.

Now when I finish raising my family

I can start on Chet's.

[Irma] I still think we should let them live here.

Okay. now suppose we do. That's our contribution.

Now it would be nice if he made his.

Like, uh, getting a job.

You could always take him into your business firm.

Why? As his father I contributed to whatever he is.

So maybe I deserve this trouble.

But what did my business ever do to him.

But it's the only way he can marry that lovely girl.

Please, Harry.

Well, the company survived the recession

a depression and three wars

I guess maybe it could survive Chet.

It'll work out fine, dear.

And if Prudence's does as much for him

as you've done for me, he'll be okay.

Children, we've got good news for you.

Oh, what pop is trying to say is, uh, we'll be real happy

to have you two live with us.

Oh!

- Thank you both. - Mm-hmm.

Now, you can have Chet's room. Fix it up anyway you like.

And thanks, pop. Really, thanks.

I've also been thinking about taking you in the company.

Can we talk about that later, pop?

I'd like to show Prudence my room. Our room.

Sure, run ahead. Think I'll go tell Ralph the good news.

- Password. - It's me, Ralph.

Ralph, why bother with all those locks.

Why don't you just move your family into a volt at the bank.

Can't be too careful, Harry.

You never know when a Russian submarine's gonna

come down Elm Street.

Ralph, I know they're tricky.

But I can't think of one way

they could possibly get a submarine

into the middle of town.

Easy. They drop it out of a Zeppelin.

Cross the guards and one morning you pull outta your driveway

and run smack into a torpedo, kapaam, kapooie!

Ralph, you really think the Russians would wanna sink

in 1964's Studebaker?

Of course, we are "A Nation On Wheels."

That's our weak point. That's where they'll strike.

Hit us right in the garage.

Well, save the republic some other day.

I got good news for you. Chet is getting married.

Hey, congratulations. Uh, what's the girl like?

Ah, she's a doll.

Attractive, feminine, well-mannered, pleasant.

That stuff's not important. Just so she's not one of them.

Them? What them?

You know. Those.

- Those? - Uh, let me put it this way.

Is she from a good, solid, pure, unmixed

genuine American bloodline?

No, Ralph. Sorry.

It just happens that Chet doesn't know any Indian girl.

I think you're the most delightful understanding

woman I ever met.

Oh, thank you.

I just hope I can have the room ready in time for the wedding.

Wedding? What wedding?

Don't tell me you're gonna run off to the Justice of the Peace.

Mom. We're not getting married.

You're not getting married?

Did you just have a fight? I didn't hear anything.

It's just that nobody gets married anymore.

We're going to live here like we're married.

But without bothering with that silly ceremony or certificate.

Thud

Say, I know just the wedding present I'm gonna give him.

Uh something that he's never had

or even dreamed of having. Guess what it is, Harry?

Well knowing Chet I'd say an alarm clock.

Oh, a membership in my vigilante battalion.

Ralph, they're love birds. Not Bonnie and Clyde.

Uh, never mind that, I'll go around.

Maybe I can even get the battalion

to give them a military wedding.

Wouldn't Chet look great in a uniform, huh?

- I don't... I don't... - Huh? Huh?

I... All I usually see him in is his pajamas.

Why go around? Use the gate.

Yeah, we really do a beautiful job on weddings.

Had one last year. It was so romantic at the very moment

the groom lifted the bride's veil and kissed her.

Sergeant Whittaker fired off six bazookas in the parking lot.

- I cried like a baby. - Who wouldn't?

Hey, I'll ask, uh, Reverend MacWeed

our regimental chaplain.

See that he's comin' by later to

pick up some song books and smoke bombs.

It's stuck. Sorry, guess you'll have to go around.

Why all the bolts and bars anyway?

Security, Harry.

Gotta protect the homestead these days.

Hmm. Must give you good feeling.

Hey, Irma, I'm back.

Well, how do you like the room, honey?

It's perfectly wonderful.

Did you hear that? She even talks English.

Not groovy or heavy. But perfectly wonderful.

What a pleasant surprise you two have given us, right Irma?

Oh, they're full of surprises.

Well, pop. I better get Prudence home.

You know I'm really getting into the mood for this wedding.

You remember ours? Look at that dress.

- Times sure have changed. - They sure have.

Uh, Harry, um, I have something to tell you.

You got any coffee?

Could I suggest you stick with the apricot brandy?

Too bad his room is such a mess with all his hobbies and stuff.

Is that what you wanted to talk about?

Not exactly. Um...

If it's okay, Prudence decided

she might as well move in tonight.

- We'll go get all her stuff. - Wait a minute, tonight?

Are you crazy kids already married?

I gotta rush. Mom you tell him, huh?

Um, Harry, you know what you said about Chet

having so many hobbies in his room?

Yes.

Well, it seems there's a new one

he wants to start up there.

Now, tell me again.

Exactly what did he say?

He said that marriage was silly.

And that he and Prudence were going to--

I don't wanna hear it!

I better have a talk with that boy and quick.

I hate to do this to the president.

But I can't hold the line any longer.

Have you seen Chet?

Wanna talk about it over a drink?

Jamie.

He and Prudence just split on the motorcycles.

Thanks.

- Hey, pop. - Not now, Jamie.

But the garage door isn't open.

Crash

Well, it's open now.

Harry, are you alright?

Well, why don't you get out?

The way the day's going, I hate to take the chance.

[Ralph] Harry, what happened?

A bomb blast, huh? The commies have struck.

Whittaker get in front and watch for a speedin' black sedan

full of radicals throwin' bombs.

- No, you got it wrong, Ralph. - They always use shiny sedans.

The way I figured the pinkos will build up a whole coast to

coast network of underground car washes.

It was an accident.

I forgot to use my remote control door opener.

Hm, no bomb, huh?

Oh, well I can still enter it in the log of sabotage.

Hey, that's some crazy bumper sticker.

I wanna talk to you. It's a good thing you came back.

I had to. I got a loose connection somewhere.

You sure do. And that's what I wanna talk to you about.

But we don't need a piece of paper.

Our love is strong enough.

Doesn't sound so strong to me if you're not willing

to put it on record.

I've seen just too many unhappy marriages.

But not because of the paper. Because of the people.

If you're mature enough to take on a wife and children

you should be mature enough to accept

your responsibility toward them.

[Chet] Sorry pop.' But I still don't see any good reason

for that piece of paper.

Fine thing. For the dog you get a license.

- For a wife, you won't bother. - I better call Prudence.

[Chet] We'll just have to go somewhere else.

Hey! What is this?

No, Harry. Don't. Life is good.

At least your other two children are decent.

Harry, please! You can't! You're still a young man.

There's so many books to be read.

Songs to be sung.

You can't do this to me, Harry.

I don't know where any of the papers are!

Well, I guess this new generation

just looks at things differently.

But it doesn't make any sense.

They put love all over their sweat shirts.

Now, why can't they put it on a marriage license?

Now, here comes Alice. Talk about something else.

We mustn't let her find out about this sort of thing.

Isn't it wonderful news?

Chet and Prudence are gonna live together.

[Irma] Who told you that?

Jamie. It's so romantic.

They met, they're madly in love.

And then one night in the moonlight

he took her in his arms and said

"There's no one else but you."

And she said, "Likewise."

And he said, "Shall we get married?"

And she looked back at him and said..."No."

Oh, it's so beautiful I could cry.

At her age, and she's already against it.

That's the world we're living in today.

Marriage is classified right along with mumps

as a childhood disease.

Still there's nothing we can do to keep Chet

from running off with her.

You know he's very independent.

Ah, some independence.

Right now he's packing clothes I bought him in my suitcase

to run off using oil and gas on my credit card.

I've got it! I know how to solve this whole problem.

By giving up?

By not giving him that job at my company.

With no money he'll have to stay here. And alone.

But won't he just get a job somewhere else?

Come on, Irma. The economy isn't that healthy yet.

See you tonight, love girl.

That was Prudence. We decided to live in a tent.

I'm all packed to go. My stereo, TV, radio, electric guitar.

Ah, it'll be great. We wanna be close to nature.

Unless you got a long extension cord

you better be close to Hoover Dam.

Son... I don't like to do this.

But about the job I offered you--

I'm glad you brought it up. I'm sorry, pop.

But I won't be able to take it.

You see, I'm sorry but I won't be able to give...

Prudence and I agreed. Just isn't me.

But how are you two gonna live?

For one thing, I'm gonna sell my blood to a blood bank.

Sell your blood?

Yeah, and so is Prudence. She gets $35.

- She's a very rare type. - She sure is.

This is romance? The vampire woman meets Count Dracula?

Then when we have a baby, we go on the aid to families

with Dependent Children's Program and get more money.

Giving blood and having babies. That's your living?

Well, I know how you can make an extra 100 bucks.

Go and watch "My Line."

Hey, that's a great idea, pop.

My son and welfare. I'll give you another $100.

- No, you don't have to, pop. - I insist on one condition.

You get your name changed.

Irma this is our vigilante chaplain, Reverend MacWeed.

He's here to arrange Chet's weddin'.

Well, uh, but you see Chet just--

Have them memorize the ceremony.

Our dedication of true love and brotherhood

and there's also a handy section in the back

showin' how to field strip a machine gun.

A machine gun?

The only way to get peace in the world

is to sock it to him.

[Ralph] Um, we better talk in the kitchen.

The reverend's not one for standing

near a bunch of windows.

The reverend MacWeed's here, dear. About Chet's wedding.

I have only one question.

I see you folks are fine Americans.

But, what kind of blood does the bride have?

I don't know. But she gets $35 a pint for it.

Please folks the kitchen, huh?

Them Begonias out there could be swarmin' with snipers.

Can we talk later?

They, uh, haven't really set the date yet.

Okay, but remember. For a decent military weddin'

we need at least two weeks to start pile ammo.

And it can't be on a Wednesday.

That's when I teach my class

and dirty fightin' at the chapel.

Chet, are you sure you won't change your mind?

[Chet] Please, mom.

I know what's right for me.

Julius wants to go out, I'll take him.

The boy's comin'. We can grab him easy.

Imagine him going out without getting married?

Good thing I got wind of that.

Like it or not, those two are havin' a weddin'

and tonight.

Now!

Thud

He's cute.

You wait here and get his girlfriend.

Sorry, commander.

Whittaker, how many times have I told you

not come on these commando raids without your bifocals.

See, Harry. Your troubles are over.

No problem.

I got him with a old boom crusher in one hand

and the good book in another.

Oh, but this is impossible.

And Prudence would never agree.

See? She is willin'.

Hello, fighters.

We are gathered here at the blockhouse to unite

two lovin' militants in blessed matrimony.

[Ralph] It's Whittaker, stop.

Oh. don't be such a spoilsport.

I'm with you, Reverend. I do, I do. Now he's mine.

You keep your hands to yourself, sergeant.

Boy! What a chicken outfit.

Two years I put in and the first time

I ask it for one tiny little thing.

- Your arm alright, Chet? - It'll be okay.

I'm sorry about that crazy Ralph.

Force isn't the answer.

I just you'd give it some more thought, son.

Relax, dad. You're not losin' a son.

- You're gaining-- - I know. A girlfriend-in-law.

Pop, if you could give me one reason

I need that piece of paper.

I think it's Prudence.

I mean it, dad. Just one reason.

Hi, Mrs. Boyle. Hi, everybody.

I'm all ready, Prudence.

Oh, this is Rex Watson. An old friend.

Just came in on his boat.

We're going to sail to Catalina tonight.

I'll call you next week when I get back.

[Chet] But you can't. I won't let you.

Won't let me? Well, Chet, that does it. We're through.

If I wanted someone to own me, I'd get married.

That's one reason you need a piece of paper.

- So they broke up, huh? - Poor boy.

Ah, he'll be okay.

He's more worried about a busted motorcycle

than his broken heart.

Uh, exactly why did they split up?

That's easy. He dumped her when he saw I was available.

You? You got 50 years on him.

So what? The older the wine, the zippier the kick.

He'll come courtin', you'll see.

Probably combat fatigue.

I wouldn't let her shoot off anymore bazookas

in the parking lot.