Original subtitles

- Goodnight, daddy. - Goodnight, honey bun.

- Goodnight, pop. - Goodnight, son.

- Goodnight, pop. - Goodnight, son.

Oh pardon me. Where are you going?

To my room.

You mean, the room with the innerspring mattress

the air conditioning, the telephone

and the southern exposure?

Well, that now rents for $3 a night.

Or $10 a week, or $30 a month.

Now would you be wanting it for the night

the week, or the month?

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fight ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

[Alice] See what I mean?

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪♪

[Alice and Chet] We known.

Hi, dear. How was work?

Oh, fun and games as usual.

Mail come?

Oh, bills.

Why don't we get junk mail like everyone else?

Well, it is the first of the month.

[Harry] Oh, no!

What was that?

Your father.

Oh! Is it the first of the month already?

Wait 'til he gets the bill for my new bike.

[Harry] Absolutely ridiculous.

He got it.

Harry, why do you let yourself get so upset?

- It's only money. - That's the trouble.

If it were buttercups, I wouldn't mind.

And why a new bicycle for Jamie?

He-he just got one two years ago.

He outgrew it. That's not his fault.

Then it's your fault.

You feed him all those vitamin pills.

Harry!

You want him to be big and healthy, don't you?

Not if he's gonna outgrow a bicycle every two years.

Personally, I'd go for the small scrawny kid

with a lifetime bike every time.

Dinner will be late.

You'll have time to take out the garbage can.

Great. Altogether, it's shaping up like a beautiful evening.

Wait a minute. Why can't Jamie do it?

[Irma] They're too heavy for him.

Just my luck. I got a kid who's too big for his bike

and too small for garbage can.

Say, Chet, how 'bout takin' out the garbage cans?

Can't now, pop. I'm connecting my new guitar amplifier.

A new amplifier?

Yeah, I needed a bigger one. I didn't like the sound.

I didn't like it either. But I didn't think

making it louder was the answer.

A college graduate. But does he get a job? No.

Well somehow, I'm gonna see to it

that he contributes something around here

if I have to wire him to the lamp.

Hi, Harry. Takin' out the garbage?

Why, no. Can't you see?

I'm doin' time trials in my new Ferrari.

Hey, hey, hey. We're a little edgy tonight, huh?

Somethin' happened at work, Harry?

Some Puerto Rican give you trouble?

No. No Puerto Rican gave me trouble.

You sure? Sometimes, you can't tell they're Puerto Rican.

They're so light.

So just play a Poopy Campbell record

if they're feet start movin', they're Puerto Ricans.

You got any Poopy Campbell records?

There's still room, Ralph.

Why don't you put your brain in there

with the rest of the cantaloupe rye.

You're a card Harry.

You're a card. You're a card.

Come on, what's the trouble?

Ah, it's the same old thing. Bills.

We buy everything, and then we throw it out.

If only somehow we could go back to being a one-can family.

Well, you know who is responsible, don't you?

Sure. My wife, my kids. Especially, Chet.

Uh-uh. The people on welfare and all those freeloaders.

They're running up my bills?

Figure it out. Why are prices so high?

Taxes. Why are taxes so high?

The unemployed. Who's unemployed?

- The people on welfare. - Oh, come on.

When you're payin' your bills, you're also buyin' them

their color TVs, their new Cadillacs

their yachts, their speed boats.

Yachts and speed boats?

Sure! What'd you think keeps

all them big boat yards and business?

Food stamps.

We gotta put this country on a pay-as-you-go system.

Oh now, look...

Hey, wait a minute!

That's my answer. The pay-as-you-go system.

You're gonna make Chet pay to live here?

Now it's for his own good, Irma.

We should have done it before.

His laziness is partly our fault.

But our own child! We owe him something.

And the very best thing we can give him, is some encouragement

to stand on his own two feet.

If you're payin' the bills, pop

here's a couple I forgot to give you.

Twelve dollars to repair the record cabinet?

I thought you were gonna fix it.

I did. That's my bills.

The other's the five bucks for waxing the car.

You're charging me?

Yeah. And could I have it in cash?

I need it to tide me over till you give me my allowance.

Ah, um, dinner's ready. You can talk after that.

So, uh, you think that services

should be paid for around here, huh?

Well good! So do I.

Oh boy! Fried chicken.

[Harry] First, you'll need this.

- A menu? - Hey, can I have one?

Sorry. It's only for our unemployed senior citizens.

Our specialty, the chicken. One dollar.

Potatoes, 25 cents, vegetables, 20 cents.

Bread and butter come with the meal.

Gulp

Okay. I'll have the chicken and vegetables

and a double order of potatoes.

[Harry] And how are you gonna pay?

- I'll sign for it. - Ah, no!

None of that "eat-now-pay-later" stuff.

Cash.

But all I have is 17 cents.

You can have my vegetables for a nickel.

Better still, you're family.

I'll let 'em go for two cents.

Seventeen cents, huh?

Well, that'll get you a stick of celery, three olives.

Nah, let's make that four olives.

Some carrot and peas, and bread and butter.

And a scoop of potatoes.

And a chicken wing.

Now there you are. That'll be 17 cents. Please.

Thank you. Oh, don't worry about the tipping.

- It's not expected. - Harry!

Please, Irma. I know what I'm doing.

- Goodnight, daddy. - Goodnight, honey bun.

- Goodnight, pop. - Goodnight, son.

- Goodnight, pop. - Goodnight, son.

Oh pardon me. Where are you going?

To my room.

You mean, the room with the innerspring mattress

the air conditioning, the telephone

and the southern exposure?

Well, that now rents for three dollars a night.

Or ten dollars a week, or thirty dollars a month.

Now would you be wanting it for the night

the week, or the month?

But you got everything I had at dinner.

Okay. Tonight'll be on the house.

Son, please don't think I'm unreasonable

but the simple fact is that you cost us

at least 50 bucks a week.

And you're 22 years-old.

Now, don't you think it's fair that you help a little?

Get a job?

No. I'm not ready to sell out.

I'll get my sleeping bag and sleep in the yard.

Sleep in the yard? But that is--

I don't need all those materialistic surroundings

you mentioned.

All I need is the Earth for my pillow

and the sky for my blanket.

Why didn't you tell me that two months ago?

We just had your room painted.

You mean Chet's out there? Alone?

Irma, there's nothing to worry about.

He's 20 feet from the house.

Still... it's so dark out there.

Animals can come down from the hill.

Soup's on.

[Harry] He'll be fine, Irma.

How can you calmly go to bed, Harry?

When your own flesh and blood is sleeping in the yard.

It was his idea.

He's got the Earth for his pillow

and sky for his blanket.

And if the stars are out, he's got television.

But at his own home?

It'll help him understand that it takes hard earned

money to keep it running.

But Harry. Money isn't everything.

I know, Irma, but Chet doesn't think it's anything.

- Harry, it's pouring out. - Don't get excited.

We've got to be strong. For his sake.

But your son is out there in a cloudburst.

He'll love it. He'll think he's in a music festival.

But he's out there with nothing.

No antibiotics. No galoshes.

Hon, we have to be firm.

Okay, pop. You win.

I'm gonna get a job.

Achoo!

- Well, what do you say to that? - Gesundheit.

♪ He's goin' to get a job ♪

♪ He's goin' to get a job ♪

♪ Hi-ho the Merrio ♪

♪ He's going to get a job ♪♪

Hey, pop, did you know part of the paper has

nothing but jobs in it?

Oh, I know. It's called the one ad.

But it's very convenient.

I think they're going to make it a permanent feature.

Have you seen anything you like?

Well, there was one in the financial page

for a bank president.

- A bank president? - It'd be nice.

The closed holidays. Here's one that sounds good.

- An account supervisor. - An account supervisor.

Fifteen thousand dollars to start. Chance for promotion.

And three weeks vacation the first year. That's for me.

Chet, what is an account supervisor?

I thought you'd know.

Son, in the business world

you usually have to start at the bottom.

Where's that?

I'm not sure but I think it's wherever you are.

Now, let's see. Advertising, account...

Ah, here. Here's something. Executive training program.

College graduates. No experience necessary.

Do you think I qualify?

Believe me, Chet, when it comes to no experience

you are the most qualified man in the country.

Hi, ol' buddy, ol' sport, ol' pal.

Boy, you're in a great mood today. What happened?

- Guess who's getting a job. - Irma?

- Well, as she gets older-- - No, no, not Irma.

Alice. Well, some of those after school job really pay a nice--

- Not Alice. - Jamie?

I'm not surprised, he has lot of--

No, it's not Jamie.

The dog? I know he does a few tricks--

It's Chet.

- Who? - Chet!

The one who went to college. You sure he's not taking one

just to block the buildings, huh?

- No. - Huh.

No! It's the real thing.

You know what this means, Harry? We've beaten them.

The revolution is over. No I mean it.

There's just a little moppin' up to do

couple of college professors a guitar player here and there.

But it's victory, Harry. Victory!

I'm gonna get in the car. I don't want him to see me cry.

I'm gonna go through with it, pop. But remember...

...if I wind up being a fat cat with a big car and a big house

and playing golf at the Country Club everyday

it's all your fault.

I'll live with it, Chet. Believe me, I'll live with it.

♪ Chet's gonna get a job ♪

♪ Chet's gonna get the job ♪

♪ Hi-ho the Merrio ♪

♪ Chet's gonna get a job ♪♪

You know, he could go to work for the police.

They got a new program. They'll dress him like a hippie.

- And send him to college. - Ralph, I already did that.

That's how all my trouble started.

Ah. It isn't dirty to do undercover work.

They mix with the radical students

teach him how to make bombs and start riots.

And when they do blow the whistle on them.

Part of the new law and order campaign.

And then there's counter intelligence.

He could work as a civilian employee.

And the beautiful part is he wouldn't have to leave home.

[Harry] Not leave home?

Just stay there and investigate your friends and neighbors.

It's not only important

but you feel you're doin' somethin' for your country.

Now, there it is. I'll wait here.

No, son. The way it works is, you go in to see him.

He doesn't come out to see you.

Well, that's about all. Your application is satisfactory.

Graduate of an accredited university

and you seem like a stable and conscientious young man.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, by the way, what did you major in?

[Chet] Oh, I started in golf.

But that didn't seem too practical.

So I changed to sociology.

Well, good for you. What aspect of sociology?

- Folk dancing. - Well...

We're a progressive company. We like well-rounded young men.

You can start tomorrow at 9.

[Chet] Uh, now I'd like to ask a few questions.

Does it have to be 9 o'clock every morning?

And what about holidays? How long is the lunch hours?

Oh, is there a parking area for motorcycles?

And what about fringe benefits? Pension plan?

Then what did Chet say?

He wanted to know how big a pension

he'd get when he retired.

- Well, what's wrong with that? - Next year?

Oh.

And then Mr. Bushnell said

he'd get two weeks vacation in the first year.

That's nice.

And Chet wanted to know where.

Is that when Mr. Bushnell threw the ashtray?

No. That was when Chet asked him about a three-day week.

- Oh, what a shame! - Yeah.

The ashtray missed Chet completely.

[Irma] Didn't he look for any other job?

Mm-hmm. But there's not a company in America

that can meet his requirements.

He doesn't wanna be hired, he wants to be adopted.

It's Chet. He's home.

You better get out the bandages.

He's probably been hit by ashtrays

from here to Sacramento.

Please, Harry. Try to be sympathetic.

The poor boy's probably very depressed.

Hi, mom. Hi, pop. Hey, what a great day I had.

I answered an ad for a salesman at a place

that makes a new type of motorcycle muffler.

And?

Naturally, since I own a motorcycle

I speak the language.

I had a nice talk with the sales manager.

We worked out a great deal. Just look at that.

- A notice to start work? - No, it's a bill.

He let me buy one of the mufflers at a discount.

Please pay it for me.

But no job?

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. I did get a job.

At Harlen's Merchandise Unlimited.

It's a small chain of stores.

- Stores? Real store? - Yeah, I'm only a clerk.

- But it's a start. - Did you hear that, Harry?

- He got a job. - So what's the big surprise?

I knew the boy had it in him all the time.

That store should be somewhere around here.

You really think we should drop in on Chet?

I mean his first day on the job?

Honey, I've waited 22 years for this.

All I want is one glimpse of that boy coming out

of an employee's washroom and I can die peaceful.

We should have brought the camera.

Can that be it?

- Is it safe to go in? - Of course.

Uh, there are a lot of people inside.

That's what I mean.

Isn't this an interesting store?

This is not a store.

It's Twilight Zone with a cash register.

- Hey, hi, there. - Hello, Chet.

- Hi, son. - I didn't know you were here.

I wondered what everybody was staring at.

I guess we're dressed kind of funny.

Don't give it a thought. They're beautiful people.

Isn't this a groovy place?

Look, we have an incense for every astrological sign.

What's your planet, pop?

It used to be Earth. But I think I left it a few minutes ago.

Excuse me, I've got a customer. See you tonight.

- Do you see anything you like? - Just one thing.

The door. Come on.

Psst.

Don't look now, but I think the ice cream man

has a secret flavor.

- Harry, Irma. - Ralph.

Please. No names.

- It's a stakeout. - You mean that store?

It's a hippie hangout.

Solid pinko. We've been watchin' it for weeks.

Here comes one of my people now.

- K-16 reporting. - What did you find out?

Well, there's going to be a music festival

at Kelly's groove.

Nice going.

Those commies don't make a move that I don't know about.

Oh, pardon me.

What is it, Whittaker? I mean J-11?

It's okay, they're clean.

There's gonna be a giant love-in Tuesday night.

- A love-in? You gonna cover it? - You betcha!

See what they are hatchin' in there?

Love-ins, music festivals. Next thing, you know

they'll be showin' Swedish movies.

Gonna have that place closed down by noon.

Great, my 22 year-old son finally gets a job

and then a nut in an ice cream suit wipes him out

before he can even fill out his first W-4 form.

- But Chet works there. - He does?

Then we'll leave it open, and let him spy for us.

- Give him this to use. - An ice cream bar?

It's actually a $400 miniature camera.

Well, don't just stand there, Harry. You'll blow my cover.

Give me 15 cents for it.

You know, it gets kind of lonesome now

without Chet lying around the house all day.

But you really have to hand it to him.

He's really sticking with that job.

I never thought he'll last this long.

- How long has it been? - Three days.

If they knew Chet, they'd give him a gold watch already.

And did you know he got in his room working on a new product?

He's inventing something? I knew it, Irma.

That job turned him on. Nothing can stop him now.

- Hey, everybody I did it. - That's great, son.

What is it you came up with?

A candle that looks just like a light bulb.

Hey you hear that, everyone?

He invented a... candle that looks like a light bulb?

[Alice] We were just down at Chet's store.

He put his candles out for sale.

It was practically a riot.

Well, if you invent something stupid like that

you can expect trouble.

The only trouble was, that everybody wanted one.

Yeah! They sold 'em out in ten minutes

and for three bucks each.

Boy, I wish I had a piece of that action.

I was wrong. I didn't see it's potential.

A candle that looks like a light bulb.

Yeah! That's kinda cute.

You never can tell what people will buy these days.

Oh, that kid has really caught fire.

You know what this means, Irma?

What can that candle cost?

Ten cents for wax, a penny for string?

Eleven cents.

Sellin' for three dollars, he makes $2.89.

But $2.89 isn't so much.

But when you sell a hundred thousand of 'em

that's $289,000.

Hey, Harry, I've been lookin' for ya.

Did Chet bring home any pictures from that commie nerve center?

Oh, he's gonna be bringin' home more than that, Ralph.

I figure in the neighborhood of $289,000.

Two hundred eighty...

I get it. The old story. He turned double agent.

They bought him off. That's dirty money, Harry. Dirty.

- No. No. - Dirty. Dirty.

No! He made an invention.

A-a candle that looks like a light bulb.

A light bulb? You put me on, Harry.

Light bulbs have been invented, a long time ago...

...by Henry Ford.

- No more garden work, Harry. - Why not?

Now that Chet has come into money

I know he'll want us to enjoy our weekend.

He'll probably hire a gardener.

- Hey! You really think-- - Absolutely.

Knowing that boy, he'll positively insist

on sharing his good fortune with us.

I mean, not that we'd ever ask, of course.

But Chet's the sort who gets pleasure from giving.

So I guess we're just going to have to get used to'

a different lifestyle.

Enjoying all the good things of life in our golden years.

We just heard the big news.

About the candle? Wild, isn't it?

Ah, it sure is.

Hey, but shouldn't you be at the store?

- Uh-uh. I quit. - You quit? Smart move.

Now you can devote all your time to manufacturing.

No, I sold out all the rights to the boss.

Sold out?

Hey, that's another smart move! You took it as a capital gain.

Yeah, and it's all for you.

Oh, I couldn't, son. Not the whole 289--

Look, you said my room and board would run 50 bucks a week.

I got $300.

That'll pay my way for the next seven weeks.

Till the end of the year. Well, see you at dinner.

Boy, I'm starvin'.

Room and board? That's all he was workin' for?

- Well, it is something. - I guess so.

So we don't join the jet set.

I hope that doesn't disappoint you, Harry.

- Are you disappointed? - No, not about that.

What worries me is, that we have a grown son

who after four years of college

still thinks that seven times 50 is 300.

Honey, have you seen that envelope

with the $300 that Chet gave me?

Harry, now that Chet has had his first job

it probably won't be too long before he gets another one.

I suppose so.

[Irma] And when he does get a job

it'll probably be as an executive trainee somewhere.

Yeah, could be.

[Irma] Which means that he might even invite

the boss home for dinner some night.

Sure, sure. Hey, where is that money?

Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you, honey.

I used it to buy new slipcovers.

- New slipcovers? - Of course.

With Chet's boss coming

we want the place to look nice, don't we?