Original subtitles

Thanks.

Special delivery. It's the trial.

I have to be there at 10:00 tomorrow.

That poor boy. Daddy, how can you be so oppressive?

That's the older generation's answer to everything.

Gets a li'l tap on their head.

Oh, so now it's just a little tap, is it?

Admit it, daddy, you're just vindictive.

Alright, now, hold it.

You see, today is Sunday.

Not that I'm a religious man

but I feel on this day of worship

it would be wrong to strangle your children.

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what Daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Ah, nice night.

Hey, what do you say we walk home through the park?

Are you crazy? Let's take the long way.

The parks are loaded with cutthroats and hippies

and all those minority junkies

waiting to get their hands on two guys like us.

Well then, we're safe.

In a crowd like that, they'll never find us.

You go ahead, Harry, make jokes

but it's no laughing matter.

Did you hear what happened to Baldy Porter last week

when he was walking through the park?

You mean, Bill Porter?

Since when's he called Baldy?

Since they found him mugged in the park.

A Mexican and a black did it.

- They caught the guys? - No.

Well, then how do you know it was a Mexican and a black?

Who else would do a thing like that?

Oh, that's what I like about you, Ralph.

You're not prejudiced. You're against all minorities.

Come on, let's go.

Hold it a second, Harry.

I wanna get some bottled water.

Water? You buy water?

You don't think I'm gonna drink water from the tap?

Don't you read the papers?

Them Pecos are putting fluorodide

in the reservoirs.

That's for your teeth.

That's what they want you to think.

It hardens the bones till they bust through your skin.

And while we're all in surgery, Russia moves in.

Go get your water, Ralph.

Here, hold my bowling ball.

And you forgot to thank me.

If we'd walked through the park

you would have been flat on your back by now.

- Can I help you? - Yeah, I'd like a...

"Kohn's grocery and deli."

- That's me. - Yeah, that figures.

Who else would be open this late?

You think I'm bad, you wanna see the church next door.

They're open Sundays.

Let me have a bottle of water.

Can you change a 50?

Pal, if I could change a 50 would I have to stay open

till 10 o'clock?

I'm telling you, Harry, they're troublemakers.

Born troublemakers.

Harry?

Oh, no! Harry!

- Harry, you alright? - Huh?

Slaps

[Ralph] What happened, pal?

I guess one of those muggers in the park just

opened a branch office on this street.

A mugger. Which way did he go, huh?

- Uh, I-I-I didn't notice. - Huh? Huh? Huh?

- I was too busy falling. - Did he rob you?

Yeah, he, he got my wallet and my wrist watch.

You should have hit him with my bowling ball.

- And your bowling ball. - My bowling ball?

That ball was custom made for my fingers

- No one else can use it. - Oh, yes they can.

Did you get a look at him?

Yeah, especially his right fist.

I'd recognize that fist anywhere.

Come on, let's go home. I wanna lie down.

Home, nothing. You're going straight to the hospital.

- Oh, look, Ralph-- - No arguing.

You probably have a skull fracture

probably some internal bleeding, too.

I know a guy who died in his sleep after a blow on his head.

And his lump was only half the size of yours.

Okay, let's go.

And you can cheer me up some more on the way.

And what was your mother's maiden name?

Please, how many more questions?

Couldn't we see a doctor first and write the book later?

But this is all quite necessary. Mother's maiden name?

Uh, Callahan, and she was left-handed

got married on a Tuesday

and had a half-sister who played the marimba.

Um, not so fast.

Those questions are on the next page.

Your father's occupation, please.

Will that honestly make a difference

as to whether you take care of my lump or not?

His occupation, please.

- Trappist monk. - Fine.

And now, do you carry any insurance?

I did when I came in, but it may have lapsed by now.

- Are you a veteran? - Oh, this is ridiculous.

Come on, Ralph, let's go to the emergency entrance.

You're in the emergency entrance.

This is normal hospital procedure.

I wonder how many people died last year

of normal hospital procedure.

Hmm.

You're lucky. The bruise doesn't look serious.

Just a slight laceration, and not too deep.

It looks deep to me, Harry, but don't worry

they do great things with brain surgery today.

Uh, just follow the light with your eyes.

- Good. - It's okay, Harry.

Your skull ain't cracked.

I don't see any light coming through.

You'll be fine, Mr. Boyle.

You can level with Harry, doc.

If he's a goner, he's got a right to know.

He has to make plans.

You may have a headache for a while.

Let me give you a few pills in case of pain.

Forget it, doc, no way.

Pills are contributing to the downfall of this country.

We'll suffer the pain, right, Harry?

Wrong, when you get your lump, then we'll suffer.

But are you sure you're alright, dear?

Honest, honey, the doctor said I'm fine.

Don't worry, Irma, I took good care of him.

Oh, he certainly did.

If we'd come home my way

we would have been home three hours ago and lumpless.

How many times do I have to tell you, Harry?

We can't walk through the park, at night, we'd get mugged.

I'm telling you, my way was safer.

Safer? Ralph, I was mugged.

Yeah, but I wasn't.

Sounds so exciting!

We're the first kids on the block

whose father was mugged.

Great, then the whole thing was worth it.

You put up a fight, pop?

I'll bet you really gave it to him.

[Harry] Yeah, every cent I had.

Chet, I'm a 47-year-old man with orthopedic shoes

not a black belt in karate.

Your own fault, Harry. You could've been a black belt.

If you joined the Vigilantes six months ago

you would been a fully accredited killer by now.

And guess who I'd pick for my first victim.

I better call the police and report this.

Operator, police department please.

Let's see, you said it was on 3rd and Main about 10:00 p.m...

What did he take from you?

An old wallet with $35 in it

and, and my gold wrist watch.

And my bowling ball.

Did it have any distinguishing marks?

Yeah, it was black round, it had three holes in it.

Jot that down, Prentice.

That should make it easy to find.

How about the watch?

It's solid gold with Roman numerals

and engraved on the back is "To tiger from pussycat".

- You sure it was your watch? - I-I'm sure.

It's an old watch.

Did you get a good look at the mugger?

Yeah, I'd say he was about 18, about 5 foot 10 or 11

about a 175 pounds with sandy-colored wavy hair.

Ooh, he sounds dreamy!

Well, he sure put me to sleep.

Okay, we'll try to track him down.

slam

Who you calling?

Those cops are gonna need the help of some old pros.

This is the job for the Vigilantes.

Charlie, Ralph.

Now, hear this.

This is a red alert. Call out the company.

No, Charlie. Not tomorrow morning, now!

I know "Gilligan's Islands" is on tonight

but this is more important.

Charlie, I'm giving up Mr. Ed.

Hello.

Mr. Boyle, we picked up a suspect.

We'd like you to come down and identify him.

- Now? - Yes.

It's 4 o'clock in the morning. Can't you deliver?

[Ralph] Halt. Who goes there?

It's okay, folks. He's clean.

You should be careful at this hour, Harry.

My troops are under orders.

Shoot first, and ask questions later.

They won't get many answers that way Ralph.

What are you doing out here, anyway?

We're on the job, Harry. That mugger won't get away.

We've surrounded the whole area.

Hello, Zebra, this is Overlord. Commence operation Mousetrap.

What?

Charlie, I know the "Late Late Show"

goes on in 10 minutes but you're on duty.

Ralph, tell him he can go home and watch the "Cisco Kid".

The police just called. They have the guy.

See that, Harry, huh, Company B's on the job

just a few hours, and the case is over.

It's a wrap. We've done it again, gang.

Sound assembly, Whittaker.

Harry.

You alright, Whittaker?

It is a dangerous thing, Harry.

You could have blown $1800 in bridge work.

- I'm sorry, miss. - It's not miss, it's sergeant.

You think any different, try me.

Hai! Bullseye!

Knock it off, Whittaker.

Company, dismiss.

Boy, I'd like to give him one shot right in the labonza.

You're out of order Whittaker.

Oh, come on, just one little shot.

Come on. Come at me.

Go home, will you, Sara?

For heaven's sake, I never heard.

I gotta go down to the police station to identify the mugger.

I better go with you and help with the identification.

But you didn't even see him.

[Ralph] What's that got to do with it?

Do you want justice or don't you?

So, come on. Let's go finger a colored guy.

Sorry about the delay, Mr. Boyle

but the suspect was asleep.

Oh, beautiful.

The suspect you let sleep, the victim you wake up.

Now, don't get upset, Mr. Boyle.

I'm better off being the mugger.

Me, I gotta be at work in the morning. The mugger can sleep.

He's got better hours. He works nights.

Now, let's pick him out. I bet it's that first guy, Harry, huh?

- No. No. - Huh? Huh?

- No. It's not him. - You sure, Harry?

Look at those beady eyes

that's the face of a mugger if I ever saw one.

[Harry] No, he's not the one!

Sergeant Harris, you can step down now.

- Thank you. - How about number five, Harry?

- That guy looks like him. - No.

Number two, Harry? High cheek bones, tight lips.

He looks like he's got Spanish blood.

No, it's the fourth man.

Number four, step forward.

- You sure? - Absolutely. That's him.

That's the one I figured.

Boy, the whole story's here with pictures of dad and everything.

Why didn't anyone wake me up when the police came?

I miss all the fun.

You see the picture of the mugger?

- He's only a kid. - Yeah, 18-years old.

One of nine children from a broken home.

They live in a two-room apartment in the slums.

He was forced to drop out of school at age 12

to work in a factory.

[Chet] He has symptoms of malnutrition from improper diet.

Does it give his address? I'll send him a sympathy card.

- Did he confess yet? - Is he out on bail?

- What did he hit you with? - Quiet!

[Irma] Now, everybody sit down.

Your father has gone through a harrowing experience.

He's been badly beaten

and the poor man could have been killed.

So, he doesn't wanna be bothered by a lot of questions.

Now, let's have some peace and quiet in the house

for the next few days.

And anyone who is noisy is going to be punished.

We've all gotta have a little consideration--

- Irma. - Yes, dear?

[Harry] You, too.

Maybe I should go to school with you for show-and-tell.

Gee, dad, would you?

Last week, Harvey Newman brought his mother's gallstones

but this tops gallstones easy.

If I knew being mugged was gonna get my family

such excitement, I would've done it long ago.

- Relax, dear. - Relax?

Some hoodlum uses my head for a drum, steals $35

I'm pushed around at the hospital

the police drag me out of bed at 4:00 in the morning.

And who knows, I may've a permanent injury.

Look at the bright side, dad. It's all over.

This looks like it's all over?

How about the days of work I'm gonna miss during the trial?

A trial? You're going to send that boy to prison?

Well, now, what would you suggest?

A weekend at Disneyland?

Yeah, but he's a first offender.

He's not a professional criminal.

I've seen him work. He can't miss.

Daddy, you've got to consider his background.

He's been deprived.

I wasn't the one who deprived him.

I gave him my whole head to hit.

My own father, a-a fascist.

Do me a favor, Jamie, don't grow up.

Hai!

No, Whittaker, no, you've got the wrong man.

A-are you sure? I could finish him.

Ralph, will you call her off?

This man has top clearance, Whittaker.

He's the one we're protecting.

Oh, him again.

I was hoping we'd get a little action around here.

Yeah, see that spirit, Harry?

That's what won for us at Bunker Hill.

We lost at Bunker Hill.

Still reading those Leftist history books, huh?

But be that as it may

we're still duty bound to protect you.

Return to your post, Whittaker.

I'm putting you in for a battlefield commission.

A commission? Oh, Ralphie!

Uh, Steady, Whittaker. Uh, Whittaker...

Down, girl, down! You're out of order.

Sara, you're bending my helmet.

Attention.

Dismiss.

Ralph, will you please tell me what you're doing here?

Well, you're the key witness in this case, Harry.

They're gonna try to get you. You need protection.

You call this protection? The mugger is safer than I am.

What I need is protection from you

and, and the Boston Strangler.

Be sensible, Harry.

They could strike at any time, in anyway.

They could even poison your food.

My wife cooks all my meals.

Hmm. How long have you known her?

Oh, Ralph, you're being ridiculous!

It's out of your hands, Harry.

In time of war, the military has to assume full authority.

[Harry] What war? What're you talking about?

Oh, it's a war, Harry.

Make no mistake about that.

This was no accidental mugging.

It was part of a well-planned

sinister plot to strike terror

at the soft underbelly of American complacency.

I'm going inside and lie down.

You feel queasy, we can have your stomach pumped.

- I didn't eat anything. - Good thinking.

Wait till we check out your wife.

Ralph, are you sure you weren't hit on the head, too?

Okay, you guys, you know the deal.

Two cents to look, and a nickel to touch.

Okay, keep the line moving.

Hold it, Tommy.

You only put in a penny.

That's all he has.

Come on, Tommy, you paid two cents

just to look at my measles.

Well, go ahead, but keep one eye closed.

What do you think you're doing?

That'll cost you a quarter.

Next.

Slurp

Aah!

Thud

- What have you been up to? - Nothing.

The kids just wanted to look at your lump.

How would you like one of your very own?

Sorry, pop. I'm just trying to make a living.

And I'm just trying to get some rest.

[Ralph] Harry, We got him. We got him!

In here, I got him, Harry.

- Red handed, and with a weapon. - That's Patsy Colarusso's kid.

It'd figure to be a pizza freak.

His father owns a cleaning store.

Didn't you read "The Godfather"?

They all hide behind respectable businesses.

I turn state's evidence, kid. We'll go light on you.

- I wanna go home. - Let the kid go, Ralph.

Can't you see the wine smears on his lips?

Someone gave him the Kiss of Death.

Sweet chili. Honest.

They give you an alibi and everything, huh?

Spill it. Who issued the contract?

How much are they paying you? Who's Mr. Big?

Cut it out, Ralph.

Look at him, they all turn chicken in the end.

Go on outside.

Put a tail on him, Whittaker.

Uh, what's all the commotion, Harry?

Well, some kid wanted to--

Ixnay...

It's nothing, Irma. Nothing at all.

I made your favorite cookies, dear.

Oh, thanks, hon.

Sure, they look ordinary enough.

They're okay, Harry. Mm-hmm.

Remember...

Oy vey.

Come on, Harry, we'll be late for church.

Hi, Pheenie. Thanks.

Special delivery. It's the trial.

I have to be there at 10:00 tomorrow.

So you're really gonna go through with it, huh?

That poor boy. Daddy, how can you be so oppressive?

That's the older generation's answer to everything.

Gets a li'l tap on their head.

Oh, so now it's just a little tap, is it?

Next thing, you'll be calling it a love tap.

And it was just his way of being affectionate.

Admit it, daddy, you're just vindictive.

Alright, now hold it.

Let's cut out all this talk right now.

You see, today is Sunday.

Not that I'm a religious man

but I feel on this day of worship

it would be wrong to strangle your children.

Thud

Don't let him out of your sight.

And so, dear friends, as we reflect upon the world

in these confusing times

we must bestow upon our fellow men.

For the love of humanity...

Every exit and entrance covered, sir.

Check. And keep an eye on the organist.

She could be hiding a bomb.

And now, we will all turn

to hymn number 31

and lift our voices in song.

♪ Love is power power ♪

♪ Wonder working power ♪

♪ In the hearts in the hearts ♪

♪ Of each man of each man ♪

It's not too late to change your mind, pop.

- Don't go to trial. - I can't do that, son.

It's my civic duty.

I have a responsibility to other people.

Right, I say let him fry.

♪ Love is power power peaceful working power ♪

♪ In the hearts ♪

♪ Of each man ♪

And I say you're a yo-yo, Ralph. I can't ignore it.

What if I didn't testify?

They let him go, and, and he did it to someone else?

Right, it's a shame to waste the money on the trial

we rather just hand him over to Whittaker.

♪ Love is power power peaceful working power ♪

♪ In the hearts ♪

♪ Of each man ♪

- Pop. - Now, let's drop it.

- This isn't the place for-- - Dad, listen, he's just a kid.

Give him a chance. After all--

Harry, you got to see that he gets what he deserves.

Stop it!

The prosecution will call its first witness.

We call Ralph Kane.

Ralph Kane.

Go get him, baby!

Let him have it, Ralph.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth?

I do and I pledge allegiance

to the flag of the United--

That won't necessary.

Mr. Kane, will you describe in your own words

what happened on the night in question?

You mean, the night that vicious killer

tried to murder poor Harry Boyle?

- I object! - You want justice or don't you?

That's just railroading him.

The boy needs some kind of therapy, not jail.

He's so young.

I'm sure the judge will take

his age into consideration.

But what if he doesn't?

He's dealt with this sort of thing

a lot more than we have.

Pop, don't testify, let him go free.

Chet, you're a hypocrite.

You wrap Ralph, and you're doing the same thing.

You're setting yourself up as judge and jury.

Me, I'm just here to tell the truth

and leave the rest to justice.

I only hope you'll be able to live with yourself.

Continue with your story, Mr. Boyle.

Uh, there's not really much more to tell.

I was hit on the head and robbed.

And did you get a good

look at your assailant?

Yes, I did.

And is that person

in this courtroom now?

Yes, right over there.

Will the bailiff read the verdict?

The jury finds the defendant guilty as charged.

The defendant will rise and face the court.

You have been found guilty, and you will be sentenced

at a later date.

However, it is the opinion of this court

that due to your youth and previously clean record

a recommendation of leniency will be made.

Court is adjourned.

Well, how do you feel about the hanging judge now?

- Daddy, I'm sorry. - Yeah, me, too, pop.

I guess this was the right way.

It really isn't a bad system, son.

You just gotta give it a chance.

Now, I hope things can get back to normal.

They won't get away with this, Harry

But he was found guilty.

You call that a sentence leniency?

- I'm gonna get another trial. - On what ground?

We do what they did. It's obvious that judge was fixed.

Well, we can pay off, too. This is still America.

Can't let that mugger go free.

Company, right face.

Harry, are you alright?

What? The mugger struck again.

Company B, pan out. Seek and destroy.

Don't worry, Harry, we'll bring him back

dead or alive.

I'm alright.

Maybe, you ought to sit

a while longer, dear.

No sense in taking chances.

[Harry] No, I'm fine. Let's go.

Oh, boy, what do we have here?

A bonanza, pop!

I think you just put me back in business.