Original subtitles

Hi. Good afternoon, folks.

Umm, uh, good afternoon.

Don't say anymore, Irma, or you'll be out two bucks

for some phony bus trip.

Alice, I have something to tell you.

And we have something to tell you.

We're engaged.

Thud

crash

[Irma] Are you alright, Harry?

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

This is ridiculous!

How did I let you drag me into a place like this?

You don't get the full effect without the cap.

It's very in, the Chinese peasant coat.

Clean, simple, total economy in style and fabric.

- How much is it? - 39.50.

- 39.50? - They are very hard to find.

So is a peasant with $39.50.

Oh, buy it, papa.

It identifies the man who is completely secure

in his success in every field.

I'll believe it when I see one on "Art Linkletter".

- You'd get a lot of use off it. - Well, I don't think so, Alice.

I get very few offers to review Mayday Parades.

We have other nice imports. Roman tunics, Mexican serapes.

Thanks, but I was looking

for just a plain old American jacket.

American?

Yeah. You know, that place right out there.

You must've read about it.

It's on all the bumper stickers.

Excuse me, sir.

- Can you spare loose change? - Sorry.

Anything, a quarter, even a dime, it helps, sir.

[Alice] Papa.

So far this generation has come up with three words.

"Love", "peace" and "gimme".

I understand the feelings, sir

but I'm only trying to get bus fare to State Tech College.

I'm supposed to register there this afternoon.

Oh, well, I-I guess I can spare something.

Just ten cents? I'm sure he needs more than that.

Actually, I'm two dollars short... sir.

Two dollars?

You traveling jumbo jet with a choice of movies?

Papa, you can certainly spare two dollars

to help a young man's education.

Great, I come downtown to buy a jacket

and I'm going to end up paying for a scholarship.

My wallet!

Uh, maybe it fell out of your coat in the store.

- I'll wait, sir. - Thanks.

That's very comforting.

It was very sweet of you to speak up for me like that.

Well, the moment I saw you

I knew you were something special.

I felt the same way about you.

- My name is Norman Cady. - Alice Boyle.

You're too beautiful to lie to.

I don't go to college.

It's just a story I use in my profession.

- Your profession? - I'm a beggar.

Please don't hate me.

Hate you? But that's wonderful!

You're not tied down by a job or a school

or any other repressions of our bourgeois society.

You're a free soul!

I'm also free tonight.

But I don't suppose you'd come out to dinner.

I live at 35 Elm Street, 7 o'clock alright?

- 6:30? - I'll be there.

Heh, it was lying right on the floor.

I was in luck.

With all those guys wearing tight pants

none of them could bend down to swipe it.

Here's a single. That'll get you there...

...if you hold down the heavy tipping.

Thank you, sir.

[Harry] Alice.

Yes? What is it?

Well, from the dents in the fender, I'd say it was our car.

You gave the kid a buck?

Well, he needed the money to get to college.

College? There's some dirt there, Harry.

It's just a front for radicals and Commie professors.

That's why I dropped out in the sixth grade.

I wanted to get away before they could poison my mind.

Ah, you really pulled it off.

You've now got a mind completely untouched by human thought.

Darn right.

Missed another place there, too, Harry.

Spotty work. Spotty, spotty, spotty.

Yeah, nobody tells me what to think.

That's why I don't read books or magazines or watch the TV news.

Well, then how do you know what's going on in the world?

I get all the news anyone needs to know

from the police calls on my shortwave radio.

Please, Ralph, either keep your hands off the car

so I can clean it, or shake all the mud off onto it

and I'll make it a platter.

Sorry, Harry. I'll get it off.

Anyway, I still say colleges are important.

Without 'em we wouldn't have doctors or lawyers.

Colleges give us all our professional workers.

- Hi, pop. - And our professional loafers.

Well, car's done. Could you fix me a sandwich?

Oh, would you mind making it, dear?

I have to finish Alice's dress.

She's got a big date tonight.

Who is it this time? Mr. Wonderful?

The kid who writes the X-rated ads for the underground press?

No, someone new. She just met him.

Hmm, a new face, but the same old appetite.

We'll get cleaned out again, eh?

No, they're not eating here.

He's invited her out to dinner.

He's buying her a meal?

You mean, she finally met a boy

I don't have to list as a dependent?

Not him, she says he's in a business

or has a job or something.

So, at last she's stepping out with class?

Imagine, a working boy taking her out to dinner.

Hey, you hear that, Julius?

From now on, there may even be enough food around here for us.

[Alice] Mother?

I'm in the kitchen, dear.

Your dress is ready.

Oh, thank you, mother.

You're the nicest mother in the whole world.

Uh, isn't she too young to be wearing eye shadow?

That's not eye shadow.

She never remembers to clean her glasses.

What's with her?

[Irma] She has a new boyfriend coming tonight.

And from what I hear, this is a boy I'd really like you to meet.

It may calm your fears that being employed

is permanently disfiguring.

Well, I won't be here tonight. I'm going down to the ghetto.

- Thanks for the sandwich, mom. - Hey!

I'm giving an inspirational speech to the underprivileged.

Chomp

The underprivileged, huh?

Some day, he's going to look out and see me in the audience.

Pop, does Alice really have a date with someone in business?

That's what I hear.

Good. I'm thinking of promoting a soap box derby

and I don't want to invest too much of my own capital.

Uh, let the romance flower before you

put in your pitch, huh?

I don't like to wait too long.

I'm not getting any younger.

Ding dong

Just be patient.

Onassis didn't trade his rubber duck

for a yacht until he was almost 13.

Good evening. I'm Norman Cady.

Oh, how do you do? Come on in.

Want to get in on the ground floor of a growth investment?

- A soap box derby that-- - Uh, Alice will be right down.

Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Yes, sir. I met you--

Oh, no no, don't-don't tell me. I'll get it.

Oh, of course! The bank. You're one of the new tellers.

N-no, sir. It was just this morning.

And I'd like to explain things and reassure you--

[Alice] Hello, Norman.

I'd like you to meet my mother.

How do you do, Mrs. Boyle?

Uh, very nice to meet you.

[Alice] Were you talking to dad?

But he didn't seem to remember me.

But I will, I will.

Tring

- Hello? - Ralph here.

We're having a Vigilante meeting and Sergeant Whittaker

our lookout just saw a strange kid go into your house.

He's not that college punk, is he?

No, Ralph.

Wait a minute. He is.

You're the boy going to State Tech College.

No, Ralph, he's not throwing ink on the walls.

Actually, I'm not a student.

I've been trying to tell, Mr. Boyle.

- I'm a mendicant. - Umm, a-a mendicant?

I hope you'll still permit Alice to go out with me.

- Well, I suppose-- - Of course she will.

Let's go, Norman.

No, he's not barricading the doorway with furniture.

But you said you had to be back at college this afternoon.

Only a story I use.

As I explained to your wife, that's my business.

I beg for a living.

Ding

Well, there goes my soap box derby.

Uh, goodnight, everyone. We'll be home early.

Thud

My daughter! Out with a bum!

[Harry] Come back here!

It's a rumble. 10-4. Come on.

Why didn't you stop him when he told you he was a beggar?

Uh, but he didn't. He said he was a mendicant.

I thought it was one of those new holy groups.

Well, he won't get away.

Swish

crash

I got him! I got him! My very first sophomore.

That's my husband.

At his age? And he's still in college?

He can't be very bright.

Drop it, Whittaker. He's clean.

Nice work. By grabbing me, he got away.

You got the wrong man again, sergeant.

I'm gonna yank those stripes right off you if I catch you

in one more commando raid without your bifocals.

Oh, maybe it'll be alright, Harry.

Alright? How can anything be alright?

Irma, don't you realize our daughter's out spending

an evening in the hobo jungle.

Harry, why don't you relax?

Irma, forgive me I'm very abnormal.

I am not able to sit calmly reading magazines

and eating peanut brittle

while my underage daughter is out who knows where

with a psychotic panhandler.

Harry, getting upset won't help.

Besides, nothing so terrible can happen in just one night.

Oh, yeah? You try to tell that to the captain of the Titanic.

I'd like to find them.

But where would a bum like that take a girl to dinner?

They're probably heating up a can of beans over a fire

down by the railroad tracks.

The cheapest dinner is 2.75.

Maybe we ought to go somewhere less expensive.

No, Alice.

It's our first date together

and nothing's too good for you.

Just wait a few minutes, I'll have the money.

Excuse me, sir. Could you spare some change?

I'm trying to get bus fare back to State Tech.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, pardon me, sir. Can you spare some change?

I have to send a telegram to...

You know, I don't usually work nights

but I want this to be an evening to remember.

Oh, it is. It is.

Wait, I need another dollar to tip the head waiter.

Excuse me, sir, my car broke down

on the way to the Naval Academy...

10:30.

Did you hear me, Irma? 10:30.

- I heard you, dear. - I'm calling the police.

No! Please, uh, wait a few more minutes.

Well, alright.

I'll bet right now there's, there's a million other parents

trying to make the same decision.

Whether to call the police or wait until the police call them.

Why are you so worried about this guy?

He sounds just as acceptable as any of my friends.

That's why I'm worried about him.

Oh, pop, you're not being fair.

You have absolutely no evidence against him.

Chet may be right, Harry.

After all, he did seem very well-mannered.

Uh, for a mendicant, that is.

Well-mannered? What does that mean?

He could use the right fork and still be Jack the Ripper.

Pop, don't you see, you're putting him down

only because he happens to be a beggar.

Psychiatrically speaking, you're fearful

because that's something new and totally unknown to you.

[Irma] See what college has done?

But it's not true. Beggars are not unknown to me.

We've had a sleep-in one here for years.

Oh, pop, I told you I'd get a job.

Just as soon as I find something that suits me.

Son, believe me, they don't have those kind of jobs.

Chairman of the board on a four-hour day

with an office on the ground floor

so you can ride your motorcycle up to the desk.

Wow, you're really transferring hostility.

You see, psychiatrically speaking--

Oh, please, some other time, Dr. Schweitzer.

I've got enough to worry about.

[Alice] I had a lovely evening.

[Norman] So did I.

May I see you again tomorrow?

For brunch perhaps?

I'll be free. It's Sunday. I only beg half the day.

It would be delightful.

Shall we say twelvish?

Twelvish is perfect-ish.

Adieu.

Au revoir.

He kissed me.

What? You've been smooching with that-that moocher?

Hey, a smoocher moocher. That's funny, pop.

Not to me. I'll tell him...

He's gone.

[Alice] He sure is.

Ooh, if I ever get my hands on that faker...

Faker? You mustn't speak of him like that.

He's a wonderful person.

Why is everybody so upset?

Well, it is late, Alice.

You said you were only going to dinner.

I know but we enjoyed each other's company so much

he begged enough for a movie, too.

Alice, we're really entitled to some consideration.

I mean, we don't know this boy.

You did say you'd be early.

So why didn't you have him beg another dime and phone us?

I'm sorry, mother. I guess I wasn't thinking.

Wait a minute, that's not the point.

Will you just explain that she's had her first and last date

with the king of the road.

Au contraire.

I'm seeing him again for brunch tomorrow.

Now just a minute, Alice, please.

I-I think if we discussed the situation reasonably

you'll understand that...

Slam

The same old answer!

Ka-blam.

We're never gonna get anything settled in this house.

Unless we take all the doors off their hinges.

What's everybody yelling about?

Oh, sorry, Jamie. We didn't mean to wake you.

I wasn't asleep. I was watching television.

Television? They have cartoons on this late?

Cartoons? It's a movie with Raquel Welch.

Well, at least, we got one normal kid in the house.

[Ralph] It's your fault, Harry. That's right.

When you gave that kid a buck

you cut your own throat right to the bone.

Look, Ralph, I-I was hoping that golf would give me a few hours

not to think about it, huh?

[Ralph] Good idea. Forget everything.

Just enjoy the sun, the trees, the fresh air

and forget completely that this very moment

your gaga teenage daughter is out with Pete the tramp.

swish

[Ralph] Not much distance, but at least it's right down the middle.

Yup, charity is a dangerous thing.

Take the Red Cross. Always asking for blood.

But do I give it to 'em? Not on your life. You wanna know why?

- No. - Okay, I'll tell you.

Because I wouldn't have any say whatsoever as to who gets it.

Could even end up in some black or Mexican. My blood is pure.

Pure what, Ralph?

What do you mean by that, Harry?

Ralph, have you ever thought of giving your brain to science?

Gee, you think they'd want my brain?

Oh, absolutely.

They're still trying to find the perfect vacuum.

I hope your golf game made you feel better about Alice, Harry.

About Alice, I feel better.

About the state of the world, I'm not so sure.

Then you decided to let her keep seeing Norman?

I have decided not to let her keep seeing Norman.

- But how? - Simple.

When she comes home, I'll tell her.

She'll go to her room and slam the door

and this time, we'll let it stay slammed, with her inside.

You mean, lock her in the room?

Harry, aren't you being a little hysterical?

Irma, the only sane and sensible way to handle teenagers

is to be completely hysterical.

Hi. Good afternoon, folks.

Umm, uh, good afternoon.

Don't say anymore, Irma, or you'll be out two bucks

for some phony bus trip.

Alice, I have something to tell you.

And we have something to tell you.

We're engaged.

Thud

crash

[Irma] Are you alright, Harry?

To make it official, wear my ID bracelet.

Bye, I'd better be going.

Adieu, Alice. And mom and dad.

Isn't it beautiful?

Oh, please, don't get up.

It's not possible.

Tell me, he didn't mean us when he said "mom and dad."

Well, I don't see anyone else here.

I can't take it, Irma.

I couldn't go through life knowing that, that's going

to be lying next to me in the family plot.

I'm going to talk some sense into him.

[Harry] And that is what marriage is all about.

It's a big responsibility.

Now,how can you possibly support Alice by begging?

I thought about that, sir.

I'm gonna take her into the business with me.

What?

A husband and wife working

together can get much bigger handouts.

How could you put your wife

through such a terrible existence?

But it's not terrible. It's a good life.

In the winter, we beg in Florida

and during the skiing season, we do our thing in Sun Valley.

Oh, for cryin' out loud! What happens when you have kids?

That'll be even better.

Nothing gets as much sympathy as a baby.

They're nuts Irma. All the kids today are nuts.

But I'm putting my foot down. She's 16.

She's underage and I'm not giving my permission.

I was 17 when we got married.

That's different. You picked yourself a jewel.

[Irma] Harry.

No negotiating! I forbid it!

But if we forbid it, they'll only run away.

A guy like that. Can you imagine the wedding?

I now pronounce you, man and wife.

Pardon me, sir.

Can you spare some loose change for our honeymoon?

Look, there's an inscription. For emergency.

And a phone number.

Probably his parents.

Hey, there's our answer. His family!

Maybe they can break this up. For emergency, huh?

Well, this sure qualifies.

So they said they'd come right over.

Why wouldn't they? They got a real good thing going here.

- Good thing? - The boy's a bum.

The parents gotta be bums.

They'll put the butt on you

for a bundle to call him off.

I'd keep them in the house.

They see this nice yard, the price will go up.

Uh, I think we'll serve the coffee inside.

Believe me, Irma, you better use the chipped cups.

And get rid off them pearls, and wear an old house dress,

and let your stockings sag a little.

But, Ralph--

Look, you're dealing with a Commie have-nots.

And when them have-nots see what you haves have.

They'll take all you have, and flip off

their pictures in Pravda and you're the new have-nots.

Hey they're here.

First, put away the silver candlesticks.

Pop, I think you can put back the candlesticks.

We understand, and we'll do everything we can

to prevent the marriage.

That's very nice of you.

Sorry, a business call. Won't take a second.

Carl, sell the ten thousand shares

and we'll take the two million profit.

As you say, they are much too young.

Well, we were pretty young too, Irma.

Y-you can't hold that against them.

But this compulsion he has to beg.

You know, he invests most of his money.

He has over $20,000 in the bank.

So there's absolutely no reason at all

for him to behave like that.

Certainly, an indication he's not mature enough for marriage.

But then again, boys will be boys.

Harry, I don't understand.

Do you want them to get married or don't you?

[Alice] Now he does.

Now that it seems his parents have money

suddenly Norman is acceptable.

Papa, that is hypocritical.

He's still the same person he was when you disliked him.

Alice, you're upset.

That's certainly no way to talk to your father.

She didn't mean that, dear.

I'm sorry, daddy. I didn't mean to be disrespectful, but--

You know something? You're absolutely right.

I was hypocritical.

I wasn't making a character judgment.

I was making a dollar judgment. Forgive me, Alice.

Let's start again with Norman as friends all around, huh?

It took a big man to admit that.

Well maybe, I'm starting to understand these kids.

No, I'm giving Norman up.

I thought he was a free soul, but when I heard he had $20,000

something went out of my love.

He's materialistic

and no longer the shining knight on the white charger.

[Alice sighing] It's over.

slam

Irma, if you ever again hear me say that I understand kids today

kindly bop me over the head with the silver candlestick.

You know, I'm so glad there won't be a wedding.

I don't have a thing to wear.

Hey, what's going on?

I heard how much money Norman made, so I thought

I'd take a crack at the business.

Sorry, Jamie, but we're not going to have any beggars

in this house.

It probably sounds old fashioned

but I want us to be like the other self-respecting families

and work hard to stay poor.