Original subtitles

I know, I know. You're hiring, right?

And I've got just the man for you.

Eddie!

Harry, I want you to meet Eddie James.

He's a platoon sergeant in Company B of the Vigilantes.

Hi.

[Ralph] Eddie's our top marksman.

You should've seen how he riddled the target

of Ho Chi Minh at target practice last night.

Four big ones right between his beady eyes.

Yeah, and one right in the goatee.

That's all very nice, fellas, but if you don't mind--

Harry, you don't understand. Your troubles are over.

Eddie's available for that job.

I-I-I...

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ But every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Isn't Abe back with the truck yet?

No, Harry, he left on his last delivery two hours ago.

He shouldn't be much...

Crash

Abe's back.

The only way he knows how to stop

a truck is with a wall.

Not so bad, Harry.

This time the fender didn't even curl.

- Lucky me. - I'm sorry, Harry.

I'm just running into a streak of bad luck.

Oh, oh, by the way, here's a ticket I got this afternoon.

B-b-believe me, it wasn't my fault.

The letters on the one-way street sign were so small--

Another ticket?

I hear the police have a citation pad now

with your name printed on it.

All they've to do is fill in the date.

Don't worry, I'll be alright.

They eye doctor says that with new glasses

my vision will be 50-50.

Abe, come in to the office a minute, huh.

I wanna talk to you.

You can leave now, Betsy.

The Red Baron has returned from another mission.

Sit down, Abe.

Abe, you're close to 70.

Don't you think it's time you, uh...

...well, retire?

But a man has to have something to do.

Yes, but not wreck my trucks.

Look, you worked hard all your life.

You deserve to enjoy the rest of your years.

I'm enjoying.

And think of all the benefits if you retire.

You've got Social Security, your pension

health and welfare benefits, Medicare...

Maybe I should quit working. I can use the extra money.

Besides, Mona's been saying

let's take a trip and see the country.

You're not gonna drive, are you?

I can't.

My car's in a body and fender shop.

Sure hated to let Abe Finkle go.

You're not gonna let an Abe Finkle upset you, are you?

You know, the quicker we get them Moscow lovers

out of the industry, the safer this country's gonna be.

What're you talking about, Ralph?

Oh, wise up. Don't you read?

It's a big pick-o-plot.

The Jews, coloreds, Mexicans

have gotten together with the Japanese

the Poles the Greeks, the Italians

along with the Catholics and the unions.

They're out to divide and conquer.

Divide and conquer what?

You covered everyone but six Indians in Oklahoma.

They're in on it, too.

Today you took a big step towards saving the country.

[Harry] By firing Abe Finkle?

He's a threat to the USA.

Only when he's driving that truck.

Ah, good riddance, I say.

Now you can hire one of our kind.

A good, white, patriotic, non-union American.

You fired Abe Finkle after all these years?

Listen, Irma--

Papa, I think I detect

a tinge of subconscious

antisemitism in your actions.

Antisemitism?

I kept him for five years past his retirement age.

I loaded his truck for him every day

so he wouldn't have to carry.

I paid him for overtime he didn't do.

Fat Christmas bonuses and six weeks vacations

when I get only two.

Antisemitic?

Golda Meir couldn't have done more for him.

Now, are we gonna have dinner, or aren't we?

Coming right up.

Poor Abe Finkle.

Yeah, after all these years.

What is this?

All of a sudden, I'm a defendant of the Nuremberg trials.

Chet I was wondering if you'd like to do

a little temporary job.

Job?

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I upset your system?

I know what that word does to you.

Oh, gee, pop, I'd like to help out, honest.

But I've got my own activities.

You know I spend three days a week

in the ghetto area helping the poor.

Have you seen my books lately?

Help me, I'm one of them.

I wish I could, but...

Would you get it, pop? I'm reading.

Of course, and as soon as I come back

I'll turn the pages for you.

Jamie, dinner.

Good evening, sir.

I'm selling magazine subscriptions.

Oh, I'm sorry, son.

Anything, but not magazines. I could sell you some.

Guess you could. Thanks, anyway.

Papa, you had no right to turn him down.

- Huh? - He was black.

Well, I don't care if he was plaid.

We don't need any more magazines. Look at this.

We've got the poor mailman wearing a truss.

From where I sit, pop

your racial bias is beginning to show.

Yeah, first Abe Finkle, and now that nice man.

You should learn to be more thoughtful.

There are problems in today's world.

And we should all pitch in and do our share.

Okay, I agree with you.

You and the kids are always harping about ecology.

I'm gonna give you a chance to make a giant contribution.

You know how many magazines come in to this house?

What do my magazines have to do with ecology?

Irma, magazines take paper.

And if you cancel half your subscriptions

we'd save 600 trees a year.

Now, let's eat!

I'm not saying you're a bigot, Harry.

Neither am I. You're just prejudiced against minorities.

I'm not against minorities!

In this family, I happen to be one.

Now, pop, don't be so defensive.

I have nothing to be defensive about.

If I was against minorities

would I have Betsy as my secretary?

Betsy is just a token black at the office.

Token? Well, that "token" has been there for 22 years.

And I exploit her to the tune of a 185 a week.

And for your information, I was hiring

n♪♪ before it was fashionable.

She's not a n****, she's black.

When I hired her, she was a n****. Oh for goodness' sake.

What difference does it make whether she's

colored black or n****? She-she's Betsy!

Still, when you talk to her

you'll find she prefers to be called black.

I'll remember that, but I'll tell you

and you might find this difficult to believe

but the color of Betsy's skin

rarely comes up in our conversations.

You're being facetious.

Well, how do you think we talk?

"In your opinion, Betsy, as a black lady

do our books balance?"

Harry, I wish you'd be serious.

The children are concerned.

Okay, what do I have to do to prove

that your terrible father really ain't a bad fella?

[Chet] Alright, pop.

When you hire the driver to replace Abe Finkle

make it someone from a minority group.

[Harry] Oh, what do you want me to do? Put an ad in the papers, huh?

Truck driver wanted, only minorities considered.

All others will be thrown out on their rear?

[Chet] Well, you can't word it that way.

Look, this is still my business and I'll hire my help my way.

And I don't care if he's black, white, yellow or green

if he's qualified for the job.

Now, get off my back and let's eat, huh.

And I hope you don't mind if I say grace tonight.

I don't wanna get it from him, too.

Ralph, I'm ready to go.

I, uh, wanna talk to you, Harry.

You, uh, you put this ad in the paper?

"Qualified truck driver wanted

minorities given equal consideration."

- Yeah, that's mine. - How could you do it?

I read it while I was having my breakfast this morning.

I was so upset, I couldn't finish eating.

It's the first time I didn't get to see the American flag

at the bottom of my cereal bowl.

What's wrong with giving some minority a break?

They have to make a living, too.

Harry, I got nothing against them making a living.

I help them all I can.

I always give my laundry to the Chinaman.

If I need any ditches dug, I give the wetbags first crack.

And whenever I'm downtown, I go out of my way

to find a black to shine my shoes.

I've got as much from minorities as anyone in this country.

Oh, Ralph, you're a regular Abe Lincoln.

Look, all minorities are suppressed.

That's a known fact. That's known, that's known.

By hiring one, you're endangering the security

of the United States.

Ralph, I got a small restaurant supply business.

Now, how could one truck driver possibly do anything

to hurt the United States?

Okay, let's say you deliver a case of beans

right? Am I right?

And one of the cans just happens

to wind up overseas and pow, it's booby trapped.

A cute little device prepared by a minority truck driver

who is obviously working for the other side.

You know what, Ralph

I think your brain is booby trapped.

Okay, okay, but when that headline comes out

"Can of beans blows up key American base"

you're gonna have to live with yourself, Harry.

The Chicanas make up at least 15 percent

of this community, and we would like

that sort of representation here.

Well, I can only tell you if I find

a qualified man, I'd be glad to hire him.

Good. I'm sure you'll have no trouble finding one.

I'll report that you've hired one of us, and thank you.

Mr. Boyle, I'm Will Whitecloud of the Indian Employment League.

And my people have been overlooked for a long time.

We'd like a chance to prove ourselves in industry.

It's not an executive position, you know

it's just a truck driver.

To us, that's an executive position.

And I know you'll do right by us.

And as a member of the Black Economic Council

I'd like to make you aware that there are over

twenty million blacks in America

roughly ten percent of the population.

How many black men do you presently employ?

- Well, uh, none. - Not one?

Well, I have only six employees all together.

But still I'm certain you'll rectify this unfairness.

[Ralph] Hi, Harry.

Oh, sorry I didn't know you were getting

your shoe shined.

This is Mr. Cooper of the Black Economic Council.

Oh, hmm.

Thanks for your cooperation.

A Rusky agent, if I ever saw one.

Oh, Ralph, he's black. How could a Russian be black?

You don't know the kind of scrools they put them through.

Ralph, I'm busy this morning.

I know, I know, you're hiring, right?

And I've got just the man for you.

Eddie!

Harry, I want you to meet Eddie James.

He's a platoon sergeant in Company B of the Vigilantes.

Hi.

[Ralph] Eddie is our top marksman.

You should've seen how he riddled the target

of Ho Chi Minh at target practice last night.

Four big ones right between his beady eyes.

Yeah, and one right in the goatee.

That's all very nice, fellas, but if you don't mind--

Harry, you understand. Your troubles are over.

Eddie's available for that job.

- I-I don't think-- - He's perfect for you.

Eddie's a real Yankee Doodle Dandy, do or die.

He's such a 100 percent American, his birthday

was September 26th, he had it changed to July 4th.

Are you sure he isn't George M. Cohan?

Hey I ain't Jewish.

Well, I-I think I have enough applicants

for the job already.

You mean you don't want Eddie to drive your truck?

That's right.

How about letting him ride shotgun?

Ralph, I've been in business 25 years, and not once

has my truck been ambushed.

Okay, Harry. See you. Come on, Eddie.

- Uh, did I get the job? - Come on!

What did I get myself into?

My only way out is to find a Chicano who's half black

and half Indian.

You don't happen to know one, do you?

No, the closest I've got is a distant cousin

who's part Lebanese.

I'll settle. Can he drive a truck?

No, only a camel.

Well, there's one consolation. It can't get much worse.

Good morning, good morning, good morning.

Wha...

Who-who are you?

I'm from GLEE, Gay Liberation Employment Efforts.

Now, I understand you have a job opening here.

Sounds like it would be just yummy for one of our boys.

I'm looking for someone to drive a truck, not fly it.

Out. Out!

Well, if there's no job

can I sell you two tickets

to our Annual Sweetheart Ball?

No, I don't have a distant cousin that covers him either.

And the two cases of peaches are for Henry's Diner.

Thanks, Betsy.

Eh, how about this?

I'm back to making deliveries.

You know, I'll never forgive Abe Finkle for this.

- But you fired him. - He didn't have to let me.

I'm not white, I'm the boss.

I-I mean I am white...

...but that's not the reason I'm driving.

You-you see, I gotta pick a color.

- I mean... - Uh-oh, George, take off.

I think we got a twisted liberal.

Vroom

Well, maybe my troubles over for the day anyway.

[Betsy] Your friend, Ralph put it up there.

Hey, this is the answer to my problem.

- You're gonna join the army? - No, the Federal government.

They must have had problems like mine before.

That's it! I'll go see them. They'll have the answer.

He's a tiger, isn't he?

- I-I'd like to see-- - Fill out this form.

It's about minority hiring.

Oh, were you sent here by a senator or a congressman?

No, I-I'm just an average citizen.

Buzz

click

Ah, yes, you're Mr. Harry Boyle, right?

I'm not sure.

Downstairs they acted like I was Benedict Arnold.

Oh, simple precautions.

Uh, just let me check you out in our files.

You have a file on me?

But don't get the wrong idea.

Your government only tries to keep reasonably informed.

Oh, we're not here to pry or snoop.

You're the same H. Boyle a.k.a. Porky Boyle

who broke two windows in P.S. 19 on 4 March, 1937?

Huh?

Is it true that in 1940, you were often in the company

of 15-year-old girls?

- There you got me cold. - That's very questionable.

You're forgetting one thing.

In 1940, I was a 15 year old, too.

Now, look, I'll save you some time.

I'll also admit I was the kid who put the carp

in Arnold Forkes' goldfish bowl

and short seated Stinky Davis' bunk at a boys scout camp.

Now that I'm openly identified as public enemy number one

can we get on with my problem?

Now, we have the answer.

Great. Who does it say I should hire?

A firm such as yours with six employees

should have, uh, one black, three-quarters Chicano

one-fifth Indian, one-third Puerto Rican

and one-five hundredth Eskimo.

Equally divided between male and female.

You should have your own computer.

You could have figured it out.

I don't need a computer.

What I need is a slicing machine.

Well, of course, those figures should be rounded off

to the nearest person.

Look, all I need is one person.

You pick him, and I'll hire him.

Oh, no, no, no the government never interferes

with free enterprise.

Please, just a hint.

Which minority group should I hire from

to replace Abe Finkle?

You mean you fired Abe Finkle?

- You know Abe? - My son-in-law does.

He runs an auto repair shop.

Uh, you're in trouble, Harry.

And here's the way I see your choices.

If you don't pick one of them

the Chicanos will stone you, the Indians will scalp you

and the blacks will burn you out.

So, you got your stoners, your scalpers and your burners.

I made up my mind, Ralph. I'm going with the minority.

I don't know which one yet, but I'll figure it out.

You know your trouble, Harry? You're a bigot.

- A bigot? - You're anti-white.

You didn't hire anybody?

I sent all the applicants away

and cancelled the ad in the paper.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I haven't had this much pressure put on me

since your mother decided we should get married.

Papa, the solution is very simple.

Just hire one of each.

Right, Harry. That would solve it.

One of each? What do you want me to do?

Have four drivers seated on each other's laps?

You're not being sympathetic to the minority problem.

Believe me, Alice, I am sympathetic to their problem

but I want them to be sympathetic to my problem.

And you have a racial imbalance.

You can expect some strong protests.

Boyle is a tyrant.

Unfair, unfair, we want in.

Boyle is unfair to minorities.

Unfair, unfair, unfair!

It's the phone. I'll answer it.

Write out another ad for the newspaper.

It's vitally important that a minority worker get that job.

We must help the downtrodden masses.

Hello?

Yeah, let's see.

Truck driver needed, all minorities considered.

Fine, we'll see you later.

You won't need an ad Harry. That was my brother, Paul.

I told him he could have the job.

What happened to Eleanor Roosevelt?

Don't be silly. Paul needs a job.

How come? His unemployment insurance run out?

He's a very conscientious worker.

Remember, last time he stayed with you almost three months.

During which time there was cash missing

from the till every day.

Harry, are you saying he stole from you?

All I'm saying is that after he quit he bought a house

and joined a golf club.

He's my own flesh and blood!

And he took some of mine with him, too.

Irma, I know how you feel about Paul

but the next step for him is a yacht

and I don't think I can afford it.

But he's on the way over. What can I tell him?

Be polite, tell him to drop dead.

Harry Boyle, when my brother gets here, if you don't hire him

I'll never speak to you again.

Alright, Company B, attention. Attention here, people.

What's going on?

Company B, manning the barricades

to protect you from those Commie groups threatening you.

Oh, Ralph, they're not Commie groups trying to--

See, we got a squad one there

ready to catch any flying stones.

Now, squad two, with the hoses is to put out your fires

from your burners and vandals.

And if the Indians come with your bow and arrows

I got a special commando group on the alert here.

They'll run and cut them injun bow strings

with their pinking shears.

Sound assembly, Whittaker?

That won't cut it, sergeant. I'm relieving you.

I'm giving the bugle to Ethel Deacon.

Ethel Deacon? Well, she's a dumbdumb.

Please, commander, give me another chance, please.

Sorry to have to say this to an old trooper, Whittaker...

...but you have to face facts.

You've lost your lip.

Ralph, please, will you get everybody out of here?

We gotta hold the line.

If you go, next the neighborhood

then the whole country.

We gotta let the world know that we turned them back

right here, on Harry Boyle's crabgrass.

Maybe, if I bring all the people in

who answered the ad, we draw a high card...

Post number three, all's well.

I only came back to swap sandwiches.

I got a tuna fish, I wanted chopped egg.

You were supposed to be on look out

across the street at the sewer.

You know, a midget submarine

could come right up the storm drain

and lob a Polaris at us through the grate.

All because you wanted chopped egg.

We got one, Harry!

Nabbed him right in the act

as he came up the front walk.

You mean someone actually...

Our first POW!

A millstone, Harry, a millstone.

We can form our first labor battalion.

Having prisoners pass out recruiting flyers on windshields

in the drug store parking lot.

Oh there's gotta be a mistake.

Uh, no mistake. Whittaker's taking him to my garage.

What a cover story he had.

Said he was your wife's brother.

My wife's brother? But, well...

Well, well.

Gonna keep him in your garage, huh?

- Yep. - All tied up until morning?

Ha ha, I was wrong about you, Ralph.

You are doing a great service to your country.

And Paul never showed up?

I waited till midnight.

So you'll understand if I hire someone else.

Yeah, providing it's a minority worker.

It will be, I've got it all figured out.

I wonder what happened to Paul.

Probably got tied up somewhere.

But I thought you were unhappy with me.

Unhappy? With the best driver I ever had?

But Mona and I were leaving on our second honeymoon tomorrow.

Come back to work and I'll give you a raise.

A raise?

With your great record, you've earned it.

I did?

Well, I guess I can come back.

To tell you the truth

now that I have these new glasses

I can see Mona a lot better, and think I'd rather work.

Thanks, Abe.

Well, hop aboard.

Gee, now that I can see, Harry, I don't know.

What's wrong?

Am I really the best driver you ever had?

[Harry] Absolutely!

[Abe] Then I gotta think about my image, Harry.

And I don't think it's right that you should

have me driving this beat up truck.

To be honest, Harry

I'm really glad you hired Abe again.

Yeah, and with his new glasses he can see real well now.

You know, it's just like old times

Abe driving over to play pinochle tonight.

[Harry] Yeah.

It's nice to have things back to normal.

Abe's here.

[Irma] I thought you said he could see now.

I think I just figured it out.

It was never his eyes. He's just a lousy driver.