Original subtitles

That will be all, Whitaker.

Back to your posts, everyone.

D-don't be too harsh on her, Harry.

She's made a big sacrifice to come here.

She canceled two appointments with her chiropractic.

- But she's a menace. - Now, Harry, look, huh?

She's just an average sweet dear ol' grandmother

who has her heart set on catching a sex maniac.

I want all those characters out of here.

♪ I love my mum and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And the groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mum starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mum's just swell but she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait Till Your Father Gets Home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

Come on, let's go. It's getting late.

Have a nice vacation, Harry.

I'll keep an eye on your house so nobody breaks in.

Let 'em break in.

The only thing we're leaving behind is the furnace.

[Irma] I heard they're gonna increase the speed limit to 70.

[Harry] That will be a big help.

I just hope my driver's license will still be good

when we get off this.

It expires in three years.

Screech

crash

- Hey, it's great. - Yeah, neat.

Let's go down to the ocean.

Oh, Harry, did you see how happy the children were?

All I could see was how empty-handed they were.

You mean I have to spend the whole two weeks here

without a television set?

I'm paying 200 a week and he makes it sound

like a life sentence at San Quentin.

Well, there's lots of other things to do, honey.

Sure.

Who needs all those cartoons on Saturday mornings?

Why do you look at 'em anyway?

It's fun to see how they try to make them work

now that they can't use violence.

And since you'll be going into work every day, Harry

you could stop at the house and bring out our portable TV.

I suppose so.

Hey, that bed's broken.

You have to expect these things.

You can also pick up Alice's hair dryer

Chet's stereo, um I've got a list.

It's good we rented it for two weeks.

It'll take the first week to get everything here

and the second week to get everything back.

There's lots of sand, so be sure you wipe your feet

before you get into bed.

"Wipe your feet before you get into bed."

Vacations.

I worked hard for years.

Finally got a real nice comfortable house back there.

So for fun, I leave it and move into this

condemned lean-to

with outdoor plumbing, indoor insects

and furnished with garage sale rejects.

What makes a sensible man

shell out $400 for the privilege

of driving an extra 50 miles a day to sleep in a sandbox

on a busted trampoline.

Thud

Like you say, Irma, "You have to expect these things."

And I've got a feeling it's only the beginning.

Oh, such a lovely morning.

Do you have to go into work, dear?

Afraid so.

Seems the only way I can afford for us to be here

is for me not to be here.

But you're so white, Harry.

Wouldn't you like a nice handsome suntan?

Nah, I got too much sex appeal now.

Irma, I've passed the age where that's important to me.

How do you like my new bathing suit?

Bathing suit? You call two shoelaces a bathing suit?

But, daddy, everybody's wearing them.

Everybody minus one, you're not.

Ooh!

I can't wait to get out on that beach

and unwind from all my tensions.

Tension?

But the kid's unemployed.

How could he need to unwind when he's never been wound?

But you need to unwind.

Now, you stay here, honey.

That dumb old job can wait.

And the kids see so little of you.

Mwah.

Oh, you go enjoy yourself. I'll get my sun on the weekend.

Oh, that sun feels so good.

Well, look, there's some people already on the beach.

Yeah, a guy and a couple of chicks.

They're all wearing white bathing suit.

Uh-uh, they're not wearing any bathing suits.

Stay inside.

Chet, you go right down and tell those people

to leave our beach immediately.

Why, mom? What's wrong with people getting a little suntan?

They're getting a lot of suntan.

In fact, they're getting tan in places

people never got tanned before.

Oh, relax, mom.

They'll probably leave when other people come.

But if your father ever sees them

he'll have us pack and out of here in two minutes.

Oh, I'd better make sure he gets right off to work.

What's the matter, Irma?

You think you've never seen a bathing suit before.

Uh, well, um, I haven't seen too many lately.

Ah, you're absolutely right, honey.

I should enjoy the beach. That dumb old job can wait.

Uh, but it can't. You've got to go to work.

Think of the car payment, the mortgage, we'll starve.

We'll have to beg in the streets.

You made your point, Irma.

I have let my work be too important.

And like you said, little suntan would be nice.

And like you said, you're too far over the hill

for it to matter.

How white are ya.

Oh, it looks great on you, honest.

That's your best color, pasty white.

Now, get your clothes on and--

[Harry] Why are you inside, Jamie?

I don't know. It was mom's idea.

After she saw those chicks on the beach.

- Chicks? - It's seagulls, dear.

They, uh, sometimes attack small children.

Vicious seagulls?

Ah, come on, Jamie, they won't bother you.

Come on, Chet. Last one in is a rotten egg.

You think daddy will like this one?

Right now I think he'd even settle

for the shoelaces.

Uh, pardon me.

I-I think there's some mistake.

Like what?

You probably thought there wasn't anybody here

but we rented that house for two weeks.

- Well, bully for you! - Plenty of room for everybody.

Oh, sorry. I've got my family here.

So you're gonna have to find yourself another place.

But we like it here, pops.

If you're gonna get cute, take off.

He he he. Can't you see we already did?

You've got ten minutes and then you get thrown off.

You're being very narrow-minded, daddy.

Yeah, they have their constitutional rights.

Show me where in the constitution

it says that the whole country has to be a locker room.

They're only making a statement of freedom.

Freedom? Nakedness is a statement of freedom?

You mean George Washington would have made a bigger point

if he crossed the Delaware in his underwear?

- Hey, that rhymed. - That's enough, Jamie.

And the Boston Tea Party.

I suppose they really would've struck a blow for Liberty

if they'd all gone skinny-dipping instead.

Let's forget the whole thing, dear.

They've left the beach.

But human rights have suffered.

Yeah, and democracy has been thwarted.

Those kids.

You suppose there's any chance that seagulls

would carry them away?

Thanks, Jamie. See you tonight.

I guess they were show-offs. They won't be back.

Screech

Forget something?

Just breakfast. Now we're back to enjoy the sun together.

I'm warning you.

If that together means in the all together

I'm calling the cops.

Oh, now, you wouldn't do that.

I know.

"Wait in the house, Jamie."

- You phoned the police? - That's right.

Why do you disapprove of the nude human body?

I have this terrible shortcoming.

I don't happen to be a freckle freak.

Oh, well, maybe they've gone. I'll look.

Not you, Irma. It's not fit for decent eyes.

- They're still there. - Clothes are an affectation.

Those people are only being honest.

Oh, boy!

First, it was freedom

now running around stalkers is a sign of honesty.

- That's right. - Believe me.

Nobody remembers Lady Godiva for her honesty.

Finally.

You're the party who called about alleged people

on the beach reportedly without alleged bathing suits?

It's not alleged.

All they had on were goosebumps

and I want 'em arrested.

- Are you sure? - Well, why wouldn't I be?

That means you'll have to come in the court for the hearin'.

And it could be next winter, you know, when it's rainin'.

I'll take the chance.

I'm allowed out on rainy days.

Yeah, but that means we'll both have to be there.

It'll blow the whole day.

And it could be postponed, and there goes another day.

Uh, then another postponement.

That was 'em. Go after 'em and make the arrest.

They had clothes on.

I have to actually see 'em bare.

What are you? Some kind of a thrill-seeker?

- That's the law. - But I saw them.

Then you can arrest them.

This booklet tells you how.

"Make your own citizens arrest."

Beautiful.

I ask for an arrest and he makes me martial villain.

I heard the call on my police radio.

What did they get you for, Harry?

They rounded up on all known agitators, huh, huh?

Me, a known agitator?

After all, you did have an uncle

who voted for Wendell Willkie.

And the police didn't make an arrest.

[Harry] He spent all his time trying to talk me out of it.

[Ralph] It's pinko think, Harry.

The policeman is our strongest guarantee

for our rights, our freedom, our Liberty.

And anyone who doesn't believe that

should be locked up in a concentration camp.

Oh, hi, Ralph. You hear about our excitement?

The naked intruders.

They had to be commies, you know.

Sure, it's a conspiracy to push the good guys off the beach.

They're probably landed by enemy submarine.

They were just three fresh kids, Ralph.

That's what they wanted you to believe, Harry.

No, no, you see. It's all a part of the plot.

You're their big target.

The tired businessman on vacation.

Don't let him rest. Tie him up in knots.

He'll be exhausted to go to the polls in November

to vote against welfare.

- I gotta be going into work. - Hold it, look. See there?

That's we're up to. This is big, Harry.

Big, big. El biggo.

Look! They were diggin' tunnels.

Going that way and what's that way, huh? I ask you, huh, huh?

- Missile base at the barracks. - Oh, come on, Ralph.

And when they saw me, they dropped their equipment.

- That's Jamie. - That's typical.

Enslavin' eight-year-old kids in poor slave of battalions.

Yeah, they'll be back to finish this. But don't worry.

I'll round up my vigilantes and we'll be ready for him.

Do you think they'll be coming back, dear?

Wait a minute.

We've been going at this all wrong.

We've got neighbors here.

They'll help us keep those kids away.

- Hi there. - We're the Boyles.

- We rent next door-- - Oh, come in, come in.

See, I knew he'd be friendly. This is the answer.

Like a little scotch to get your heart started?

- At 9:00 in the morning? - In Scotland, it's midnight.

Did you see what happened on the beach this morning?

I sure did. It was terrible. Just terrible.

- Well, I spoke to the police-- - There they were.

Those two gorgeous chicks, having a great old time.

Then that obnoxious fat guy

in that daisy shorts chased them off.

Oh, we gotta get rid him.

screech

Irma? Anybody?

Must be in swimming. Heh-heh, not a bad idea.

Boing

splash

I got him! I got him!

Good work, Whitaker.

Yeah, we got a bogie at ten o'clock. All units in.

Alright, let's have a look. See if it's a person.

Just look at that sloping forehead.

Those beady eyes. A sex fiend, if I ever saw one.

What is all this?

Oh, heh heh. What do you know?

Hi, Harry, uh...

It's alright, people.

I know him. He's clean, he's clean.

Then why isn't he wearing a bathing suit?

What do you think those daisies are? Tattoos?

I still say, with that forehead

those beady, beady eyes--

That will be all, Whitaker. Back to your posts, everyone.

D-don't be too harsh on her, Harry.

She's made a big sacrifice to come here.

She canceled two appointments with her chiropractic.

- But she's a menace. - Now, Harry, look, huh?

She's just an average sweet dear ol' grandmother

who has her heart set on catching a sex maniac.

I want all those characters out of here.

Uh, don't walk there. We've strung a lot of--

- Yike! - Uh, barbwire.

Oh.

It's just some scratches from the barbwire.

How did it happen?

This isn't a beach house, Irma. It's Checkpoint Charlie.

You'll be glad we're out there when those waves

of Russki troops comes storming ashore.

Ralph, get 'em all out, will ya?

Hey, you know what we need? We need a password.

Tell you what, Harry, here's what you do.

Anytime you wanna get through our lines

just whistle "Yankee Doodle Dandy."

You hear that, Irma?

Now, the only way we're allowed in the Pacific

is to do an Irving Berlin medley.

Didn't Jimmy Cagney write that one?

Oh, boy! Some vacation.

Two weeks trapped between a nudist colony

and a suicide squad of hopped up grandmas

digging tank traps.

- Hey, where are the kids? - Um, uh, the kids?

Jamie, Chet, Alice.

You know, so big.

The ones with their pictures in the family album.

Oh, well, um, um, I, uh--

You do remember. Don't you, Irma? The children?

You gave birth three times.

I sent them to the movie, dear.

- During the day? - They'll be back any minute.

But on a beautiful day like this?

Oh, it's because those naked apes came back, wasn't it?

Well, they were driving around and-and it made me nervous.

But maybe they just forgot something and won't be back.

At least this time, he didn't bring the girls.

Nor his bathing suit. That does it!

Call the police, Irma.

I'm slapping a citizens arrest on nature boy.

You sure you wanna go through with this?

Means a whole pile of paperwork.

No, that can't be the one.

He looks just like my sister's boy.

You're making a mistake.

Steady, Whitaker. Come on, remember.

Honor and grace for the badge and mace.

I still say, old slop-headed beady eyes here

is the pervert you're after.

At ease, Whitaker.

I'm sending you back to the rear area

for what we call, your R and R.

- Where are you goin'? - To conduct the interrogation.

I'll bet this jasper knows the location

of every supply dump on the Ho Chi Minh trail.

Sorry, he he he. No passengers.

Did you get the kid's ID?

Were there any papers in his pockets?

Ralph, if he had any pockets, we wouldn't have this problem.

Well, kids, a great day for old glory

and mom's apple pie.

Yes sir you sure must be tingling with pride

of what your good American father has done. Huh, huh?

That was a delicious supper, wasn't it, Alice?

- I'll help clear the table. - Me too.

- Those kids! - Uh, you're upset, dear.

Your foot is probably giving you some pain.

No! It's those two who are giving me pain.

- And it's not my foot either. - Harry, Jamie's here.

Good ol' Jamie. At least you're still friends with me.

Sure. I go where the money is.

Harry, maybe you should drop the charges against that boy.

That would make the children happy.

That's no answer!

A lot of problems today are caused by too many parents

going against their believes

just to make their children happy.

But Chet says if this goes on the boys record

he'll never be able to run for public office.

That will be some loss, huh? Our first naked president.

Oh, that must be Mr. Saunders, the boy's father.

He phoned earlier and said he wanted to talk to you.

Oh, he did, did he? He's gonna try and buy me off.

I know that type.

Real fat cat, loaded with dough.

Over indulging his spoilt son.

Thinks his money can get him out of anything.

Let him in, I'll tell off that big shot

right to his stupid face.

- Is Mr. Boyle home? - Uh, come in, come in.

Oh, what happened to your foot, Mr. Saunders?

I-I came down this afternoon to pick up my boy's car

just wearing slippers.

Stepped on some barbed wire.

- I'm Harry Boyle. Have a seat. - Oh, thank you.

So, uh, you arrested my son?

- Uh, yeah. - Beautiful, just beautiful.

I wish I'd been here. Can't seem to control him.

Ah, kids today.

If you're holding court, the victim should be present.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

Why are you so determined to take away my rights?

Yes, what about his rights?

Everybody is so worried about his rights.

What about my rights? I paid $400.

Is it right that he gets the tan and I get the bills?

He's on the beach and my family's in the movie balcony?

But there's a principle.

You two go back in the kitchen.

And you go outside. I wanna talk to Mr. Boyle.

All you older generation wanna do is step on us

every chance you get.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

Uh, having a nice day at the beach?

For about ten minutes, till you showed up.

- Then we all had to come in. - You're all too uptight.

You wiped me out pretty good.

I invited all 14 guys of my class to come out

at two bits a head.

Well, I'm only doing my thing.

I got a fortune tied up in shovels and buckets.

And now because of one of you

there's 14 of us who can't do our thing.

Well...

All you older generation wanna do is step on us

every chance you get.

You really mean it?

I was so busy thinking 'bout my rights

I guess I forgot all about theirs.

A miracle.

Well, see you in court, Harry.

No, you won't, Pete. I'm dropping charges.

We can't be any better winners than we are.

Well, everybody satisfied?

I guess your speech finally got through to him, dear.

Plus the line of schmaltz I laid on him.

- You convinced him? - He never had a chance.

Look, with me standing to lose 14 customers

at two bits a throw

he was killin' like a desperate man.

Uh, it's a beautiful night, Irma.

I think I'll take a dip.

Psst, don't forget the password, Harry.

Company bills staked up

protecting the country from anymore nudies.

There won't be anymore. I even let that boy go.

You can't do that, Harry.

You're giving into the commie plot to undress America.

Operation Jedburgh.

Forget it, Ralph.

It's important, Harry. What if this thing spreads?

Suppose, all the soldiers went nudist?

You couldn't tell what side the guy was on.

It'd be terrible. You wouldn't know who to shoot.

I got him! I got him!

Whitaker! Whitaker, it's me. Put on your bifocals.

Corporal of the guards, post number two.

Argh! I'm gonna bust you for this.

Harry, get her off of me.

Why, Ralph? It's like you said, "She's protecting the country."

- Corporal of the guard! - Would you cut it?

Ow, Whitaker, you're sitting on your commander.

Ouch, ow! Come on, Sara. Sara. Ooh!