Original subtitles

No brassiere?

Absolutely not. I agreed to go and I'll go.

But this is what I'll be wearing.

Now, you don't seem to understand.

This is a very refined affair.

It is not a stag smoker with you stepping out of a cake.

Why do you have such a hang-up on the human body?

Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes.

They had better weather.

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own way ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fuss ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ See what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

[Ralph] This is the big night, Harry. The big night.

How does it feel to riding with the next Man of the Year?

Well, how can you be sure the lodge is honoring you?

How can they help it?

They picked the guy who's done

the most for lodge in country.

Right? Am I right, am I right?

- Right. - Then it's gotta be me.

The past year, me and my vigilantes

turned in 468 commie spies to the FBI.

Oh! Sounds like a whole ring. How did you uncover them?

Simple. We just looked through the phone book.

Turned in every name that ended with "sky".

Checkosky, Lavitsky, Shefsky.

The whole "sky" crowd.

Ralph, there are lot of good Americans

whose names end with sky.

I realize that.

If their first name was Bill or John

I didn't put the finger on'em.

That's very liberal of you.

Would you mind not calling me that?

I prefer considerate to liberal.

In fact, I prefer anything to liberal.

I just wanna be thought I was a warm, wonderful human being

who is fair and understanding of his fellow men.

Ralph, what would the country do without you?

I know, Harry.

I'm fightin' a good fight and tonight

the lodge is finally gonna recognize me

and give me the honor of this great

American award, Man of the year.

And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for.

The announcement of the member who will be honored

at our annual dinner next week.

North-Star's Man of the year!

Here it comes, Harry. Here it comes.

A man whose tireless efforts

have helped to make North-Star what it is today.

Here he is, Mr. America.

A man who's truly earned this honor

Harry Boyle!

Harry Boyle?

W-well, don't be sore at me, Ralph.

I never dreamed I'd get the award.

I-I don't know what I did to deserve it.

Neither do I.

- Maurice Rappaport. - What about him?

That's why I wasn't picked.

Rappaport was on the selection committee.

He's anti-gentile.

Ralph, Rappaport voted for me

and my name is Boyle.

I just wished his name ended with a "sky"

I'd turn him in to the FBI tomorrow.

Ralph, Rappaport works for the FBI.

He's one of their best agents.

[Ralph] No wonder I can't get none of those guys convicted.

I guess I'll have to go write to Martha Mitchell.

[Harry] Hey, that's the museum of art. What's going on?

[Ralph] It's Speed Company on the job. Protecting the country.

We're pickin' on that pornographic statue over there.

[Harry] But that's Michelangelo.

I don't care if it's David Eisenhower.

He'd better get some clothes on.

It's me, Irma. They picked me.

I'm the Man of the year.

Oh, Harry. That's fantastic!

I couldn't be prouder.

Oh, wait till the children hear about it.

Chet, guess what?

The lodge has picked me as "Man of the year."

Hey, way to go!

I thought you'd be pleased, but nothing like this.

- Can you blame me? - Well, thank you. I--

The Rams just recovered a fumble.

Chet, you didn't hear.

Your father's been selected "Man of the year."

Huh? Oh, groovy.

Go, Roman, go!

I just came in second to a fumble.

Here is Alice. She'll be thrilled when she hears.

Honey, guess what?

Your father's been chosen Man of the year.

That's nice.

We're all out of bananas.

You noticed how all choked up she got?

Oh, you know Alice, dear. She doesn't get excited.

If you had told her I just won a pizza, she'd flip.

How about that?

You raise kids, you-you work for 'em

feed 'em, dress 'em, cheer 'em on

and then along comes your big moment and what do you get?

"Go, Roman, go." and "We're out of bananas."

What do you mean you're not going

to the dinner Friday night?

Ah, it's a drag, pop. Older people are square.

And the conversation is so uninspiring.

Yeah. What is it, Chet?

Are you afraid of meeting someone

who might offer you a job?

Oh, I hate to use that word around you.

I know how it upsets your metabolism.

Sorry, but I just don't dig service clubs, pop.

I believe in personal charity.

I visit the ghetto every Tuesday and Thursday.

What for? To give 'em the latest Dow Jones averages?

Harry, not so loud! The neighbors will hear.

Well, they should hear.

I ought to shout it from the rooftops.

I've got two kids who don't care!

We care, daddy. We just don't care to go.

I'll go with you, pop.

Well, thank you, Jamie.

Now, you see? That's what I call a son.

He's the only argument I've got left against birth control.

But the banquet won't run late, will it?

What's that matter? Don't you like to stay up late?

Well, Saturday mornings I always have to get up early

to mow Mrs. Rosati's lawn. And she gives me 50 cents.

- I'll have to cancel. - I'll make it up to you.

She also gives me 25 cents to trim the hedges.

- Okay, you'll get that too. - Plus a dime tip.

Alright! I'll give you a buck!

Ah, you-you'll make a profit out of the deal.

Some family, huh?

I get one out of three and he's a payola.

Whoever thought I'd see the day

when my daughter would turn down a meal.

Hut one, hut two, hut three, hut four

hut five, hut six. Parade halt!

Come on, Sara. Shape up or ship out.

You better start joggin in the morning.'

Two, you'll never be ready for them Russkies.

Alright, rendezvous tomorrow night at 1900 hours.

Dismissed!

Hi, Harry. Hey, you're up late, aren't you?

So are you.

Oh yeah, well, me and troops just came in

from patrollin' the neighborhood.

Ever alert. Ever alert.

You never know when they'll hit.

I'm sure the Elm Street patrol has them worried in Moscow.

It's more than the Reds, Harry.

The way I figure it, our big worry is the Yellow Peril.

Ralph, you're a nut.

You know, that's the trouble with America today.

They won't believe the danger until they wake up one morning

and they'll be eating their bacon and eggs with chopsticks.

Oh, Ralph, don't bug me. I've got enough real trouble.

Oh, well. Can I help you, Harry?

Oh, my kids have got me down.

They don't wanna go to the dinner.

Well you could always

turn down the award, Harry.

Turn down? No way!

I'm gonna be there, Ralph.

And believe me, so is my family.

Now, hear this.

On Friday night, everyone

I repeat, everyone, will be going

to the lodge dinner and no exceptions.

But pop, what if we don't enjoy it?

Fake it!

I just decided to put my foot down.

On Friday night the whole family is gonna be together.

- It's a tight fit, Harry. - It'll be fine.

Harry, it's a formal affair

and I just don't have anything right.

You don't want them to say

"Harry's wife has nothing to wear."

Look at what I am wearing. And I'm Harry.

Okay, go ahead. Shoot the works.

I guess on my big night, I can afford one dress.

What do mean you need a suit?

You want me to look my best, don't you?

Okay, okay! H-how much does a formal cost?

- Hmm, about 70 bucks. - Seventy bucks?

Eh, remember, pop, I didn't even wanna go.

Alright, alright. You got it.

And I'm throwing in another five bucks.

- Go get yourself a haircut. - Huh?

I said, "Get yourself a haircut!"

Chet? Are you okay?

You stopped breathing and-and you're turning blue.

- Haircut? - Yeah.

You go to one of those places where they sit you in a chair

put a sheet around you and the nice man holds a comb

and scissors in his hands. Remember Chet?

I think the last one you had, they give you a lollypop, too.

Do I really have to?

Chet, do something that you've never done

since the day you were born.

Make your father happy.

- Alright, pop. For you. - Thanks, son.

It'll be nice to see your ears again.

And how much do you think the dress will cost?

Oh, about 50.

Fifty and 70...

I know the president wants to get the economy rolling

but why do I have to do it all by myself?

[Chet] Hey, pop. Come on out here.

I want you to take a gander at the great outfit

I bought for your dinner.

Sure.

Great set of threads, huh?

I know your lodge is kinda conservative.

So I didn't wanna go too far out.

You didn't go far out enough.

You should've left the country.

- What's wrong? - "What's wrong?" He asks me.

I paid for a shirt. Not wallpaper.

And those pants. You look like a beach chair.

And what's with the tennis shoes?

Look, we've got a car.

You don't have to jog to the lodge hall.

Oh, Pop, this is now. It's today.

Well, for you "today" is over.

Take that Halloween costume back

and get something that looks like it belongs on this planet.

- Right now! You hear me? - Okay.

[Harry] Yeah and get to the barber like you promised.

I did!

What did he do? Wave a wand over your head?

He's a hair stylist.

Well, you go somewhere a guy uses his scissors

a razor and preferably a samurai sword.

Hi, I got it.

Hey, you went to a classy store. Tomley's, huh?

[Alice] Nothing but the best for you, daddy.

At least we've got one sensible kid.

Hey, that's a pretty skirt. Where is the top?

This is the top. It's a see-through.

I know it's a see-through. I can see right through it.

Alice, it is a little extreme.

Momma, it's the latest thing.

But, honey, you can't wear that thing up on the dais.

Everyone there will be able to see your bra.

What bra?

No brassiere?

Absolutely not.

I agreed to go and I'll go.

But this is what I'll be wearing.

Now, you don't seem to understand.

This is a very refined affair.

It is not a stag smoker with you stepping out of a cake.

Why do you have such a hang-up on the human body?

Adam and Eve didn't wear any clothes.

They had better weather.

You think the human body is ugly, don't you?

I sure think there's a lot of them

that could stand a little gift-wrapping.

Uh, Harry, try to be a little more reasonable.

Reasonable, my foot! Now we have a problem.

Namely, our daughter planning a public appearance

in saran wrap.

Oh, that must be the car for Alice.

And to think that my mother used to throw things away

when they had one little hole.

Good evening. I'm Henry Benson.

Your Alice is sitting for us tonight.

Hi, Mr. Benson. I'm all ready.

You certainly must be proud to have such a nice

refined daughter like Alice.

Oh, we are. We are. We're real proud of her.

A-aren't we, dear?

Oh, sure, sure.

She's one in a million, alright.

You're certainly fortunate.

There's an awful lot of wildness going on today.

Yes! Uh that's what we hear.

But you sure don't have to worry with your Alice.

No, no! We sure don't.

Little Henry junior is just crazy about her.

Well, goodnight, mommy and daddy.

Goodnight, Alice.

Guess what, Irma?

There's a lot of wildness out there

and our daughter is the local distributor.

Alice is not wild.

She'll change her mind, you'll see.

Come on, Harry. Let's go out to a movie.

It'll get your mind off things.

Okay.

It's not that I'm against the human body.

I happen to be an owner of one myself.

But do they have to throw it at you for everything?

Everywhere you look?

Let's go home and watch television.

I go for a man who uses Sako Foot Powder.

Try the new vita-mighty juice, dear.

No wonder Alice has all that craziness.

Harry, believe me. It's just a phase.

She'll be a different girl in the morning.

I hope so.

[Harry sighs] Those ads.

Remember the good old days where all soap did was float

and waxing a floor wasn't a fertility right?

If that was vita-mighty

I'm afraid you're gonna be disappointed.

Oh, Harry.

Ooh! Here she comes.

Now, remember you have to be tactful.

Now, you leave it to me, old Mr. tactful himself.

Good morning.

Well has the female Burt Reynolds

come to her senses?

If you're referring to my dress

I still say the human body is a work of art.

And I still say a hen with feathers

looks better than a plucked chicken.

The real truth about all this is that

you don't care about me

only about your feelings with your friends.

But none of your girlfriends

are going dressed like little Egypt.

That doesn't matter.

I am an independent person with my own feelings.

Well, how about some consideration for my feelings?

Oh, this is all your fault, Irma.

When she was three months old

you let her crawl around the house naked.

And now she's hooked on it.

Sorry, pop. I didn't see ya.

You ought to snap that habit of driving with your eyes closed.

Look, Chet, I-I got a problem.

Now, the award's banquet is tonight.

Alice insists on wearing a...

Well, now, get this, a see-through dress.

- Well? - So what's your problem?

I want you to tell your sister not to wear that dress tonight.

I don't think it'll do any good, pop.

She probably wants to shake up that old-timers club of yours.

- It's anti-progress. - Anti-progress?

Why is it you kids think every time two adults get together

it's automatically a book burning?

- Give me a lift to work, Harry? - I gotta split.

Got a big meeting about how to clean up the air.

[Harry] That Alice. Where do kids get these ideas?

I tried to bring her up like a lady.

Whoever thought she'd wanna show the whole world the details.

Yeah, the smut that's going around today, it's terrible.

Terrible!

I get at least a dozen pieces

of obscene mail every day.

That's funny. I never get any.

- You don't subscribe. - And you do?

Of course! Part of my duty.

That's the first rule in countermeasures.

Know your enemy.

You should get a freedom medal for eye strains.

No medals, all I want

is the ultimate victory over the pinkos.

And maybe a little one of those you know

eternal flames by my graveside. When I go. When I go.

But you're right. Kids today are a problem.

Somehow we've got to get them back on the right track

to appreciate decency and democracy again.

Even if it means throwing every last one of them

in the concentration camp.

Uh, dear, about the dress...

After all, this is your father's big night.

Please, mom, don't try to sway me with old-fashioned sentiment.

I have my principles.

Alright! For your principles, you wear the dress.

And for his principles, under it, you wear underwear.

Mom, you just don't understand.

Now, honey, we both tried to be understanding.

But honestly now, isn't this all a little silly?

And is it really so old-fashioned

to wanna please your father?

He asks for so little.

Now, dad's home.

Tell him you've changed your mind.

Oh! You decided to rent a tuxedo. Good.

And, Harry, about Alice, I think--

No more thinking.

No more pussyfooting around with that goofy kid.

I'm gonna handle it the way I should have done

in the first place.

Now, see here, young lady. Oh, great.

For me you cover up for the whole world, nothing.

I can't hear you.

Well, now, hear this. This is the captain speaking.

The uniform for tonight is a regular dress

with, and I repeat, with underwear.

Alice. Oh, Harry!

And I almost had it all straightened out.

Just let me get my hands on that dress.

If you're looking for her underwear, forget it.

Huh?

She threw all her bras in the garbage.

Great.

Look, Uncle Ralph next door

gave me a quarter for delivering his mail.

Well that's nice.

A lot of his stuff got in

our mailbox by mistake.

Mostly magazines and brown wrappers.

Hardly worth a quarter.

Looked like nothing but ladies underwear catalogue.

Harry are you alright?

No, I'm not, Irma.

What's happened to our world?

We've got garbage cans full of brassieres.

A daughter who's understudying Sally Rand.

A neighbor in the go-go book of the month club.

And you saw all those heavy breathing billboards.

- Oh, I know, dear. - Is that all life is today?

- One big skinny dip? - About Alice...

Maybe the best thing is just to have her stay home.

I thought about that. But I want her with me.

Now, look, when she was in anything

from a-from a nursery school graduation

to a Brownie Scout fly-up, I was there.

And wearing a coat and tie too.

But what else can we do, dear?

Well, there is one thing.

You mean it, pop? I can wear the dress?

Well, you are an independent person, aren't ya?

Sure, but...

And maybe I have been worried

only about my feelings and my friends.

Well, that's settled. Now, let's all get ready.

You hear that? Pop says I can wear the dress.

Harry we're ready. What's keeping you?

[Harry] Coming. I'm all dressed.

Hey, I thought you said you were dressed.

I am. This is it!

You're going to the dinner like that?

Why not? Since the human body is a work of art.

Why deny the world a real masterpiece?

But you can't.

- All my friends will be there. - So?

Well, don't you have any consideration at all

for my feelings?

- Well... - Um, I'm getting the message.

Now, what do you say we both put on

something dull and dreary?

And then we'll all have a nice evening together.

- I'm sorry, papa. - Ah, that's alright, honey.

It's like I told your mother. I knew you'd come around.

- Well, how do I look? - A regular Gene Barry.

I knew this would be a happy evening.

Boy, you're something else, mom.

Here was pop, all set to go out in his shorts

and you never batted an eye.

- Yeah, how come, Irma? - Simple.

When Harry Boyle plunks down $10 to rent a tuxedo

I know he's not going anywhere in his underwear.