Original subtitles

You have a vacancy sign outside.

Yes, you two are in luck.

Just one room left.

Nice and cozy with a view of the ocean.

Well, you don't have two rooms?

Two rooms? That's silly. You'd be wasting money.

- We're not married. - Did I ask?

♪ I love my mom and dad and my brothers too ♪

♪ And with groovy way we get along ♪

♪ Every time the slightest little thing goes wrong ♪

♪ Mom starts to sing this familiar song ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ Dad's not so bad and he seldom gets mad ♪

♪ And we aren't about to desert him ♪

♪ Kids today like to have their own ways ♪

♪ And what daddy doesn't know won't hurt him ♪

♪ I think my mom's just swell ♪

♪ But she starts to yell ♪

♪ Every time we have a fight ♪

♪ Just wait till your father gets ♪

♪ Until your father gets ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ You see what I mean ♪

♪ Wait till your father gets home ♪

♪ We know ♪♪

[Irma] Uh, does anybody want any more cake?

Are you kidding? I'm stuffed.

- Me too. - I'll have another piece.

Another setback for weight watchers.

Oh, daddy, you and your Victorian ideas.

I refuse to starve myself to become just a sex symbol.

You're also doing your bit for ecology.

We're the only family that has no garbage.

Harry, please.

- She's a growing girl. - By the minute.

I've got some homework to do.

I thought you did it this afternoon.

I did. This is Charlie Taylor's homework.

He pays me ten cents.

You're taking ten cents to do someone else's homework?

I don't think I approve.

I don't neither. But that's all he can afford.

Chet, I wanna talk to you.

Chet!

What do I have to do to get through to you?

Transmit on FM?

Yeah, pop?

I heard of a job today

that should be perfect for you.

They're looking for an apprentice teller at the bank.

Gee, I'd like to meditate a little more

to find out what direction to take with my life.

Which job to take is a serious decision.

And it would be nice if you reached it

before you're ready for Social Security.

Try to understand, pop.

I don't want a job that's just work.

Alright. I'll talk to the bank.

Maybe they'll put a golf course in the men's room.

Chet, you've been out of college for almost a year.

How much longer can you meditate?

Well, maybe this just isn't the right environment for it.

I just might go to one of those communes.

You know, sit naked in the sun and ponder.

- A nudist commune? - Don't worry.

If he doesn't get a haircut soon, nobody will notice.

Hello.

Oh, yes. Just a minute.

It's for you, daddy.

Oh, why you're so surprised?

Last time I heard the phone was listed under my name.

- It's a woman. - Oh.

Hello? Oh, Miss Peterson.

Oh, really? Oh, sure I'll be happy to, uh...

I-I'll be there in about 20 minutes.

Uh, good-goodbye.

Oh, boy! That's all I need.

Miss Peterson is fogged in at the airport.

And I have to drive her back to San Diego.

San Diego? Oh, that's a long drive.

Well, I can't turn her down.

She's one of my biggest customers.

I oughta be back by 11:30.

If I'm a little late

tell Jeremy Carson to start without me.

Hey, perfect timin'. I'm ready too.

- Ready for what? - The lodge meeting.

Look, you'll have to go on without me.

I-I gotta drive someone to San Diego.

But I need you there.

I'm countin' on you to help me blackball

that prospective new member Morris Rapaport.

Rapaport? Why should I wanna blackball him?

You know, he's one of them.

Them? Oh, you mean, because he's, uh...

Yeah, them.

And no self-respecting lodge has to...

We gotta stop it right now or the next lodge dinner's

gonna turn into a matzo ball festival.

- I like matzo balls. - But it's boring.

Oh, I don't know how to break this to you, Ralph.

But the recipe for them pepperoni pizzas

you put away every night

they didn't come over on a mayflower.

Boy! They're gettin' to you, Harry.

Today it's matzo balls, tomorrow it'll be herring.

You're gonna come home one night

and them pork chops on your plate

are gonna be kosher.

I don't think that's possible, Ralph.

Good Americans being sucked in.

If George Washington were alive today, he'd drop dead.

Look, I gotta go to San Diego.

But even if I didn't

I'd vote for Morris Rapaport anyway.

So long, Ralph.

[Miss Peterson laughs] Why, it's really funny how the fog lifted.

[Harry] Yeah. Well, we're, we're halfway there.

One thing about this car, it doesn't have a coach lounge

and a choice of two movies like an airplane.

But it gets you where you're going.

Sometimes.

Are you sure Miss Peterson is one of daddy's customers?

Oh. Well, I never met her personally.

But why shouldn't I be sure?

- Oh, well. - What do you mean by that?

Nothing, mother. Nothing.

Look, it's getting late.

Don't you think you oughta be going to bed?

No, I-I think I'll just stay up a bit longer

in case you need someone to talk to.

- About what? - Oh, anything.

Like, maybe, what happens to a seemingly solid marriage

after a lot of years.

Alice, this is real life not "Peyton Place."

- Hello? - Hi, Irma. It's me.

Harry, oh, where are you? Are you alright?

The car broke down and it can't be fixed until morning.

Uh, so, what are you gonna do?

[Harry] Well, we ran into one bit of luck.

There's a place to stay overnight

right next to the gas station here.

- Overnight? - Yeah.

It's not a bad looking spot.

It's the, uh...

The Waterbed Motel?

The Waterbed Motel.

You have a vacancy sign outside.

Yes, you two are in luck. Just one room left.

Nice and cozy with a view of the ocean.

You don't have two rooms?

Two rooms? That's silly. You'd be wasting money.

- We're not married. - Did I ask?

Uh, you take the room and I'll sleep in the car.

Hold it, buddy. That one's been pulled on me too many times.

Paid for a single, then you sneak in and--

Miss Peterson, will you sign the register?

- How much for a single? - Ten bucks, cheapskate.

Oh, really. I mean, I-I just feel terrible

about you having to sleep in the car.

Oh, I-I'll be alright.

Don't worry. Give the lady the key.

I'm warning you, mister.

You better stay in the car

because I'll be watching you all night.

Mac, I hope your rooms are a lot cleaner than your mind.

I happen to run a very respectable place.

We even get some people here who stay for the whole night.

Well, I'll be...

Thirty years in the motel business

and this is a first.

Did uh, mom talk to you this morning

about pop and Miss Peterson?

Not a word. I guess she's completely overcome.

I've always tried to maintain

a hands-off attitude toward them.

But a time does come in a family

when you just have to step in and straighten things out.

I sure hope we can help.

Because as parents go

you got just about the greatest there are.

- Momma, sit down. - Now?

Uh, can't you see I'm making lunch?

This is important. Sit down.

Please, mom. We're just here to talk.

And-and we're not going to upset you.

Right. Now about pop's affair with Miss Peterson--

I don't wanna hear about it.

According to Helen Gurley Brown what papa needs--

Another woman? Where did papa meet this one?

Helen Gurley Brown is a writer.

Sure. A housewife isn't good enough for him anymore.

Mom, pop doesn't know her.

She writes about men and women. And she says--

Jamie, uh, why don't you go out and play?

- I've been playin' all morning. - Go out and play some more.

How much can a kid play?

You want me to get a heart attack?

Then go buy yourself an ice cream cone.

I don't wanna dig into my savings just for that.

[Chet] Here's a dime. It's on me.

I'd like a double scoop. That's 20 cents.

- Okay, here. - Thanks.

According to Helen Gurley Brown

daddy has reached that dangerous psychological age

where you've got to expect this.

But one little case of infidelity shouldn't be--

Alice!

Believe me, daddy isn't that type.

It'll probably never happen again.

That's right. Pop's too old for that.

I thank you for your help.

If you'll excuse me now

I think I'll go have a nervous breakdown.

Hi, I'm home. Boy! What a night I had.

We can imagine.

I'm getting too old for this.

What's goin' on?

It's not midnight and you're home.

Somebody steal your motorcycle?

Just wanted to be here when you got home

to tell you we don't hate you.

Huh?

[Chet] We mean it. We don't hate you.

Well, that's fine, son. Just fine.

And more important

we want you to know we'll try to understand.

- Understand what? - That you're only human.

And that a man of your age is pressured by needs

of virility statements and ego outlets.

And lowered libido thresholds.

Hey, come back and translate that.

Irma, what's with the kids?

Your lunch is ready.

Alright. Now I hope you all have the picture.

She slept in the motel room and I slept in the car.

I don't know why I've to make all these explanations

to my own children.

Well, there was a little action.

I swallowed a mosquito.

Well, you believe me, don't you, Irma?

Well--

Say you believe him. It's better that way.

I don't want her to say she believes me.

I want her to believe me.

Pop, just what is this lady to you?

She is not a lady. She's a customer.

Now that's a word you wouldn't understand.

It has to do with a job and work.

You see I have to be nice to customers.

You're luckier than I am.

You have something I don't have.

An employed father.

Now can we drop the whole thing?

Daddy, avoidance only makes your guilt complex more obvious.

I'm not guilty. I did not commit adultery.

Daddy, please.

We refer to it as self-expression.

Alright. I did not commit self-expression.

- And what're you doing here? - I live here.

I'm your favorite child, remember?

- Oh yeah. I'm sorry, Jamie. - That's okay.

Hey, where were you last night, pop?

Honestly, I was with a mosquito.

- Huh? - Never mind.

Why don't you buy an ice cream cone?

I already had one today.

[Harry] Well, then go and get a pizza.

- They're a dollar. - Okay, here.

Oh, sorry, I only have a five.

That's alright. I have change.

Thanks.

Now, where was I?

You were defending yourself, badly.

I was not defending myself.

How can I defend myself when I have nothing to defend?

Hello?

Yes. Just a minute.

It's for you, daddy.

- It's her. - Who's her?

- Who else? Miss Peterson. - Oh.

Uh, hel-hello, Miss Peterson.

Uh, well, yeah, don't mention it.

It was my pleasure. Uh, uh, I-I mean...

Uh, uh. I-I mean, I was glad to do it.

Uh, I-I mean, uh... You-you're welcome. Anytime.

No! I don't mean that. Goodbye.

She was just thanking me for going through all that trouble.

Irma, I'm Harry Boyle, a simple man.

Look at me. What do you see?

Like we said, pop. We understand.

- Hiya, Romeo. - Ralph.

I'm surprised to see you out cuttin' the hedges.

I figured after all that amour toujours last night

you'd be too, uh, tired.

How did you pick up that wild story?

It's all over the neighborhood.

Tomorrow it's gonna be in the throw away papers.

Oh, boy!

I ain't blamin' you, Harry.

You had no way of knowin' you were bein' used.

- Used? - Come on, Harry.

It's one of the oldest conning tricks in the book.

- What? - The dame you were with.

She's obviously what we call a Ruskie spy.

Nancy Peterson?

Alias Natasha Petrovich.

Oh, come on. Get off it. Will you?

Harry, it is obvious as the nose on your face.

Now what's holdin' this country together, huh?

Huh, huh? The family unit.

And what's the best way to break up the country?

Break up the family unit.

Am I right? Am I right? Am I right?

Oh why didn't I let the hedge grow?

They see you. A solid family man.

They send this Natasha sex pod after you, and pow!

Another crack in fortress America.

Ralph, I know it's a waste of time

trying to talk any sense into you.

But I've known her for years.

She's a customer.

Naturally. They always have a great cover.

You don't know it, but you've been makin'

love to a lieutenant in the old GPU.

Or we call you, Odd Poo.

Oh, lay off, will ya?

I've got enough trouble with my wife and kids.

It's your own fault, Harry.

None of this would've happened if you'd stayed home

to help me blackball Morris Rapaport.

I'm glad you're home, pop.

You're actually speaking to me?

The Elm Street Blueberry?

Please. We have to be calm.

It's only through a meaningful dialogue

that we can come to understand your complete moral breakdown.

Um, for the last time, it wasn't my morals that broke down.

- It was my fuel pump. - Now, pop--

Because I might add, I'm driving an eight-year-old clunker

so we can make payments on your brother's new motorcycle.

You needed a virility reassurance and you--

Jamie, do you have to be here?

- Yep. I'm waiting. - For what?

For someone to send me out for something expensive.

Here's a dollar. Go to the movies.

Well?

You don't expect me to go alone. Do you?

Hang in there, pop.

Gee! Nobody ever took me to the movies before.

Where you getting all the money?

- It's mostly leavings. - Leavings?

Yeah. You know, getting paid for leaving the room.

Tell me, what does self-expression mean?

Just being able to talk. Why?

Because you get in big trouble

if you try it in San Diego.

- It's silly. I won't do it. - But you have to, mom.

You have to turn on the sex appeal.

A woman has to fight to keep her mate.

- Fight? I'm too busy. - That's just it.

You've gotta break out of that humdrum housewife image

and compete with Miss Peterson on her own terms.

Unfortunately, the male chauvinist ego

makes them judge a woman by her appearance.

But if that's what daddy wants, let's give it to him.

Right after classes tomorrow, I'm taking you

to the Fling Your Thing Boutique.

[Ralph] Harry I'm your pal.

And I'm not gonna let you down.

I figured out a way to break it up

between you and that there, uh N-Naachka.

Her name is Nancy. And there's nothing to break up.

Sure, sure, sure.

Now, here's what you do.

You call up this commie spy in San Diego.

And ask her if she's got a friend for me.

Look, Ralph--

Then we, uh, hmm, double-date down there.

Ply 'em with vodka.

That's their favorite drink, you know.

Oh, they love it. Gets 'em talking.

I get their names, ranks, serial number

and take away their microfilm. Oh, yeah, sure.

Before you know it we break up the whole

California commie ring.

You know something, Ralph?

I don't know what this country would do without you.

Oh. Hey, look. I don't want no medals, no monuments.

All I ask is when I go, they bury me

in Arlington National Cemetery with full military honor.

Ralph, I don't know how to tell you this.

But I really don't think you'll make Arlington

just for getting two broads stoned in San Diego.

Hurry up, mom. It's almost time.

[Irma] I'm on the way.

- Alice, um, how do I look? - Fine, fine. Just fine.

But I still think you should've gotten the hot pants

and the peek-a-boo bolero.

For me, it's crazy enough just to be wearing

a new pair of stockings.

Facing this crisis together will make your marriage

even stronger.

That's encouraging.

I'll leave you alone. Oh, one more thing.

Uh, please, mom, take off your glasses.

Absolutely not. You know I need them to--

I found out Miss Peterson is blonde

Swedish and 36-24-36.

Right, no glasses.

[Alice] Perfect. You look just like Jane Fonda.

Well, thanks for the ride home, Harry.

Come in with me, Ralph, huh?

No, no, no. I couldn't do that.

As a favor to me I'd like somebody to talk to.

[Ralph] You mean your wife's not even talkin' to you?

Oh, it's worse than that. It's like Siberia in there.

Come on. See for yourself.

Oh. Hi, there, tiger.

If by that you mean me, I'm over here.

Oh, I, uh...

I-I-I better be goin'.

I, uh, got my pistol class.

Siberia, huh?

Wow.

A martini, lover?

Irma, where are your glasses?

Oh, I-I really don't need them.

They're just for reading.

Now, what's this all about?

Uh, nothing really, Harry. I...

What's wrong with us having a nice quiet evening at home?

But, Irma, you know, you don't have...

It was Alice, wasn't it?

W-What if it was?

I mean, it shows they love you.

What's wrong with that?

Nothin'. Nothin' at all.

But it does make you think.

You know, I give blood to the Red Cross twice a year, right?

I work for the United Fund and I was even

a boy scout leader, right?

- Oh but what has that got-- - And I'm an usher at church.

And I take handicapped kids to the ball game.

And it never made a dent on them.

But now the people think I've been hanky-pankying

with a bimbo at some roadhouse.

Now everybody loves me.

I swear if I'd set fire to the orphanage

they'd be crazy about me.

Now, Harry--

What is it with the kids today?

The bigger bum you are, the bigger hero you are.

They're trying to be understanding.

I don't wanna be understood.

I wanna be believed.

And you don't have to put on

Halloween costumes for me either.

Oh. It's alright for your girlfriend to look nice.

But not your wife.

Girlfriend? That does it. Come on.

Harry, w-what are you doing?

Oh, where are we going?

- Momma? Pop? They've gone. - Rats.

I was sure this would be

a two-dollar-to-get-rid-of-me night.

Screech

[Irma] Harry, where are we?

The Waterbed Motel.

How could you? After bringing that--

Stop yakking and move it.

Well, if it isn't old scaredy cat again.

Is that cozy room for two available tonight?

It sure is. You really want it for two this time?

That's right.

Well, you're beginning to get with it.

I gotta level with you, mister.

I couldn't believe it when you slept in the car all night.

That was really wild.

Oh, Harry, can you ever forgive me?

Hmm, with the greatest of pleasure.

- Here's your key. - Keep it.

You think I'd let a lady like that stay in a joint like this?

How do you like that?

He's gonna talk her into sleeping in the car.

[Irma] We'll be late getting home.

The children would be worried.

Oh you can call them from the hotel.

- Hotel? - Mm-hmm.

We're spending the night at the ritziest joint on the beach.

That is if you can put up

with a fellow pressured by needs

of virility statements and ego outlets

and a lowered libido threshold.

[Irma laughing] Harry Boyle, you're talking like a child.