Original subtitles

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...

and then wonders why his life sucks?

Well, that was me. Every time somethin'good happened to me...

somethin'bad was waitin'around the corner.

But then while I was laid up...

I learned about a thing called karma from watching Carson Daly.

So I made a list of all the rotten things I've done...

and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for 'em.

I'm just tryin'to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] AfterJoy, Darnell and the boys were snatched...

by the Witness Protection Program...

me and Randy took advantage of the free rent and moved back to the trailer.

I think we should've left the plastic.

You know, so we wouldn't have to get up to go pee, like Mom and Dad did with my bed.

Randy, they put that plastic on because you peed the bed, not so you could pee the bed.

Chicken and the egg, Earl. Chicken and the egg.

Your mail was finally released from police evidence...

but they still haven't caught that mailbox sniper.

[Whispering] It's one of the girls at Club Chubby.

"Happy Presidents Day. And congrats again on freeing the slaves."

[Earl] It's from our great-aunt Leila.

Ten years ago, she started thinking Randy was Abe Lincoln.

- Now she sends him a gift every Presidents Day. - Awesome! A lotto ticket!

Scratchers are fun, 'cause even if you don't win anything...

you still get to eat all this silver candy you scratched off.

I won! Whoo-hoo! I'm rich! Whoo-hoo!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Whoo-hoo! I'm rich!

- [Bell Ringing] - Two hundred and fifty-

[Groans]

- [Panting] - Randy, you okay?

Karma hit me, Earl, just like you.

I never should've scratched that ticket.

I'll be damned.

[Earl Narrating] While karma was turning Randy's life upside down...

the F.B.I. Was doing the same thing toJoy and Darnell.

Where the hell are you takin' us?

Well, thanks to your little stunt on Estrada or Nada...

we are now forced to terminate your identities.

You're no longer Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein...

and we're no longer taking you to Cincinnati's Little Israel district.

Thank God. The thought of cooking my first Passover seder...

was giving me all kinds of shpilkes.

- By the way, I'm diggin' the slow jams. - ## [R&B]

I'm gettin' chick wood just listenin' to 'em.

Baby, this is serious business.

Look, we're sorry for causing you inconvenience and whatnot...

but my grateful wife and I are happy to do or be whatever you say.

- Right, baby? - I have told you. I want my name to be Goldie Crystal.

I wanna live somewhere with skyscrapers and cosmopolitans...

and gay men who are your best friends.

What is so hard about that?

Welcome to New York.

- [Siren In Distance] - This place is a dump.

Goldie Crystal wouldn't live here.

She doesn't. Your new names are Lorb and Wilma Gruntlebutt.

It's not that bad.

[Rumbling]

- [Rumbling Fades] - Hey, there's an unexpected perk.

Whenever the train comes through, we can lay on the floor and get a free massage.

- [Train Horn Blows] - We're gonna be so relaxed.

[Earl Narrating] WhileJoy was upset about her new life...

Randy was excited to start his.

Here, Randy. Make you feel better.

I made some space beer. Just don't chug it. I used the last of the Tang.

There's no time for space beer.

I'm watching Carson Daly so he can tell me what karma wants me to do.

So this whole thing is crazy with the celebrity baby pictures.

Did I do something to a celebrity or babies or a picture?

[Daly] The money is gigantic for the exclusive-

I've done stuff to pictures, Earl.

- Bad stuff. - Okay, this is nuts.

Not everything Carson Daly says is a message from karma.

Or if it is, it's probably not for you, it's for me.

Oh, so you own karma?

Look, Carson Daly's on national television.

He's talking to hundreds of people, Earl, and one of'em's me...

except when I'm being interrupted.

...controversial comedians working today as well. Andrew Dice Clay is here.

- Dice Clay! That's a list item. - [Audience Cheering]

I told you karma was talking to me.

This is where I kept stuff when we lived here.

For a while, it's where I hid dollar bills...

until someone found out and started replacing 'em with little green balls of goo.

[Scraping, Rattling]

It's your Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle.

The hell? I thought that guy Zeke stole this.

[Earl Narrating] A few years back, when me and Randy...

first lived in the trailer park and were lookin' for beer money in our secret hiding place...

we got some new neighbors- Zeke and Arlo Cavanaugh.

[Car Doors Close]

Welcome to our new home, little brother.

Hi, neighbor. Nice mustache.

- Are you Burt Reynolds's cousin? - No.

You should be.

[Earl Narrating] I liked Zeke right from the start.

And he didn'tjust have good taste in mustaches.

He also loved doing crazy things for free T-shirts...

like the ones they gave away for drinking a glass of fryer fat at the Crab Shack.

[All Chanting] Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

- [Cheering] - Onion ring.

And pretty soon, me and Zeke were best friends.

I just heard they're giving away...

"I took a punch from Yukon Jack" T-shirts down at the gas station.

- I'm in. - Me too. Wait.

- Let me getJoy's camera. - All right. Let's go, buddy.

I've always wanted a picture of me getting punched.

- [Car Engine Starts] - But you don't usually know when it's gonna happen.

Whoo! Whoo whoo!

[Earl Narrating] I didn't realize it at the time, but Randy was getting jealous.

So he came up with a plan to break up the friendship.

Aplan that was brilliant, complicated and elaborate-at least for Randy.

- [Spitting] - He knew Zeke chewed tobacco...

but hejust didn't quite know how to do it himself.

- [Gagging] - And by the next morning, the trap was set.

[Earl] What the hell?

- Randy, wake up. - Oh, my God. What'd they steal?

- Someone broke in and stole my Andrew Dice Clay belt buckle. - No!

Look! Somebody spit tobacco everywhere...

and threw it up down the front of my shirt.

You know who's gonna be really upset about that belt buckle being gone-Zeke.

He would chew tobacco and stare at that belt buckle for hours.

[Earl Narrating] And that night, I was so mad at Zeke...

I decided to get back at him by destroying the memories we made together...

and burned his favorite shirts.

Well, now I have to add Zeke Cavanaugh to my list.

The worst part is I have no idea how to spell his name.

But it was my fault. You never would've burned those shirts...

if I hadn't tricked you by stealing your belt buckle and stuff.

You know what? We both did him wrong.

- I think we should put him on both our lists. - Awesome.

We both got lists. We both get to cross the same guy off.

We both got that Jay Leno gray patch on our pubes.

Sometimes it's just plain good to be a Hickey.

[Earl Narrating] Me and Randy were making up to the same guy on our lists...

and since this was Randy's first time, I let him take the lead.

"My name is Randy. His name is Earl.

We are here to cornflake."

Uh, it's a cornflake.

Eventually, Randy explained about our lists...

and Zeke invited us in.

Man, I loved those shirts.

You and me did some cool stuff together to get those shirts.

Saw Quiet Riot in concert at the mall.

Signed up for an America West credit card.

Sang "I Got You, Babe" at the Crab Shack...

on Guys Sing Romantic Songs to Each Other Karaoke Night.

You know, the worst thing that happened- it wasn't losing all my shirts.

It's that we stopped hanging out.

Oh, my God. That's my real list item.

I need to get you two to hang out like you used to.

You should go win those shirts again...

and then I'll cross you off my list and make that face like you do.

- What do you say, Zeke? - I'm in.

I get my cholesterol tested next week...

and if I drink a glass of fryer fat, my doctor will freak.

Let's see Mr. Harvard try to figure that one out.

- How's it going? - [Door Closes]

- You wanna see my "scabs that look like people" collection? - Hell, yes.

Too bad. You can't. Which sucks for you 'cause I just picked off a Pam Anderson.

Well, then I guess I won't be showing you my mole that looks like Susan Sarandon.

[Earl Narrating] While Randy was stuck with Arlo...

Joy, Darnell and the boys were stuck somewhere worse.

- Mommy, which side of the sink is the toilet again? - Left.

And it didn't help that their place was directly above a dry cleaner.

[Hissing]

Take a break already, Li Ying! We're dying up here!

Look, baby, I know it's hot, but on the bright side...

my tank top is virtually wrinkle-free and your pores look fantastic.

That's it. I can't take it anymore.

- [Siren Wailing In Distance] - Listen up, New York!

- What are you doing? - Playing a hunch.

- My real name is Joy Turner! - Baby, no!

My husband is Darnell Turner, a.k.a. Harry Monroe.

- We're in the Witness- - [Train Horn Blows]

- Protection. - [Door Opens]

Damn it. You blew your cover.

- Now we'll have to relocate you again. - Good.

How'd y'all get here so fast?

- We keep a close eye on things the first week. - How close?

Close enough to know you're wearing the same thong as yesterday-

just turned inside out.

[Earl Narrating] So me and Zeke set out to restart our friendship.

- [All] Drink! Drink! Drink! - And replacing his trophy T-shirts...

turned out to bejust the way to do it.

- Shrimp. - [Woman] Yeah!

And lucky for us, Yukon Jack was out on parole...

and back in the "punching people for T-shirts"business.

We even entered the I Sang a Romantic Duet With a Dude Challenge at the Crab Shack...

- and I gotta say, we pretty much crushed it. - # I've had the time of my life #

#And I never felt this way before #

#Yes, I swear it's the truth #

#And I owe it all to you ##

A lumberjack camp? Really?

Remember the accents, eh?

Now, I know you don't like being punished...

but if you think you can play dirty, the F.B.I. Can play dirtier.

Trust me. We should quit while we're ahead.

Ahead? We live in a pop-up camper with four Canadian dudes...

who don't help us with the chores 'cause they're all missing fingers.

I'm sick of cutting their steaks for 'em.

Oh, no. I'm begging you. Don't do this.

Listen up, you human beavers!

My black husband's name is not Lars Nordvist!

I know. Mind-blower.

His name is Harry Monroe!

And I'm Joy Turner!

- All right. Let's go. - Oh, thank God.

Which shirt are you gettin' today?

"I climbed the Camden landfill."

It's gonna take a little while 'cause it's 60 feet higher now.

But a lot of that's from the stair factory that collapsed...

so the last part could be easier.

- Well, have fun. - [Engine Starts]

[Earl Narrating] That's when Randy realized me and Zeke were friends again...

and he could finally cross Zeke off his arm.

Well, almost cross him off.

What the hell? Arlo, what'd you do that for?

So Zeke will think Earl burned his shirts again and I can get my brother back.

I'm sure that sounded like a good plan in the beginning. I've had lots of those...

like when I tried to breed wiener dogs with cats to make wiener cats.

But you don't get long, skinny cats.

You get one dead cat and a dog with lots of scratches.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, your plan is worse than that one.

Well, I wouldn't even need a bad plan if it wasn't for you.

You're the one who got Earl and Zeke back together again...

and now I'm just... alone and miserable.

Wait. I get it. [Chuckles]

Oh, you karma. You got me.

This always happens to Earl. He handles one problem...

only to discover that another problem is the real list item.

I should've known. The neediest, most annoying guys are always the real list items.

Karma.

[Earl Narrating] Randy knew that his list item had gotten more complicated.

Hejust didn't know how to solve it.

Okay, we've both had three beers each.

We should be able to finally think now.

What could karma want me to do for you?

Do you know you have a scar that looks just like Pamela Anderson?

I'm gonna go get my camera.

I understand you being jealous. I used to get jealous too.

It's hard when your brother makes a new friend and stops spending time with you.

To be truthful, Zeke has never spent that much time with me...

except when Mom would lock us in the closet so she could go out to drink.

But I wish we were more like you and Earl. Earl loves to hang out with you.

He didn't always like hanging out with me.

It was only four years ago that we started sleeping in the same bed.

We had to work up to it. I had to become the best little brother ever.

- I think I'm a pretty good little brother. - Excuse me.

But you're annoying and boring and you smell like onions.

Don't get me wrong. I like onions, but a lot of people don't.

But now at least I know how I can help you.

[Randy Narrating] Big brothers like to think they're the funny ones...

so it's important to laugh at all theirjokes.

Hey, Randy, what happens when two snails get into a fight?

They slug it out.

[Laughing] "Slug it out." That's a good one.

[Randy Narrating] No matter how unfunny they are.

And it's important to take care of your big brother when he doesn't groom himself.

And you need to put yourself in situations...

where your big brother can be the hero.

- Nice dumper, baby girl. - What the hell did you say?

Uh-oh. Earl. Earl.

I thought this dude was a lady on account of his girlie butt, and now I'm in danger.

Tough guy, huh? Well, if you mess with Randy here...

I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen to you.

- [No Audible Dialogue] - [Together] Yeah!

So back off. And P.S., your butt wasn't that good anyway.

That's all you gotta do. Pick up the slack on your little-brother duties.

You're right. Help me practice my fake laugh.

Here's what I've got right now.

[Laughing]

No, no. God, no. No. No, no, no.

You gotta start with surprise and then let it chuckle itself out.

Oh! [Laughing]

Wow.

[Earl Narrating] So while Randy had taught Arlo...

some lessons about being a brother...

the F.B.I. Were about to teach Joy some lessons about opening her mouth.

So, we're Eskimos now?

Actually, your people prefer to be called Inuits.

Go ahead. Try to out yourself in this place.

I'm sure the caribou would be most intrigued.

And, uh, stay warm.

Oh, my God.

[Earl Narrating] The F.B.I. Might have been better at playing dirty...

but there was one thing Joy was better at than anyone-

knowing how to have an affair and recognizing the clues of an affair when she saw one.

She knew if Luther Vandross was a-rockin; you don't come a-knockin'...

and how easy it is to lose an earring when your own knee keeps banging against it...

and how your necktie can get a little crooked...

when you use it to tie a woman to a bedpost.

You and Agent Scully have been boning. Talk about the X Files.

More like triple-X Files. Ka-blam!

Are we gonna figure out a new place for me to live...

or do we need to involve supervisors and spouses?

Are you thinking of something in split-level or ranch style?

[Earl Narrating] Andjust like that...

Joy had blackmailed the F.B.I. Into making her dreams come true.

Palm trees. Real grass.

And you can't hear the sizzle of power lines.

Goldie Crystal is finally home.

Things were falling into place forJoy and her family...

but things were falling apart back at the trailer park.

It wasn't Randy. He knows he can't play with matches unless I'm home.

Well, then who was it then?

- Zeke, l- - l-I did it. It was me.

But you said you weren't jealous anymore.

I'm not jealous. I'm just sick of having to hang around with this loser...

B.O. Factory, three-balled jackass from the state of Doucheachusetts.

- Yeah, that's not even a state. - Shut up!

This is your chance. Be the little brother that needs protecting.

What are you gonna do, cry or run home and smell your own B.O.?

Hey, come on. Leave me alone.

- No. - Leave me alone!

- No! - Leave him alone!

Leave my brother alone. You're the one who's acting like you're from Doucheachusetts.

Oh, yeah? Well, you're acting like the mayor of Assylvania.

You're gonna stick up for him after he burned my shirts?

Wh-What about your precious list?

If I have to choose between a list and my brother, my brother's gonna win every time.

Yeah? Well, if I gotta choose between a friend and my brother...

then my brother's gonna win every time.

Come on, Arlo!

[Earl Narrating] I actually didn't mind seeing Zeke leave me for Arlo...

'cause I'm the one that pushed 'em together.

You know, next time we should bring Randy and Arlo.

I wanna see them take a shot at "Endless Love."

Yeah, I don't know. Arlo and I don't really hang out that much.

We just don't click like you and Randy.

You guys are like Venus and Serena Williams. You know?

No. I know one of those is a planet...

but I don't know who that other dude is.

Anyway, two brothers clicking doesn't just happen.

If you want a good little brother, you gotta be a good big brother.

[Earl Narrating] I explained to Zeke that little brothers likejokes...

so I make sure I always have lots of good ones to tell Randy.

Hey, Randy, what happens when two snails get into a fight?

They slug it out.

[Laughing]

[Earl Narrating] You also need to make little brothers feel important.

Act like you need their help with stuff.

And you should always protect your little brother...

when he gets into dangerous situations.

- [Smacks] - Nice dumper, baby girl.

- What the hell did you say? - [Earl] Tough guy, huh?

Well, if you mess with Randy here, I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen to you.

[Whispering] Please don't hurt us. I'm very afraid of you.

I'll give you 20 bucks to leave us alone, 30 if you act a little scared.

If you do these things, Arlo will change, I promise.

Like a caterpillar into a butterfly.

Or maybe something less girlie.

Like a Transformer car into a Transformer robot.

I like Transformers. So I'm gonna take your advice on this.

I'm just sick of having to hang out with this loser...

B.O. Factory, three-balled jackass from the state of Doucheachusetts.

- Yeah, that's not even a state. - Now's your chance.

- Go protect your little brother. - Leave me alone.

- No. - Leave him alone. Huh?

[Earl Narrating] So Zeke got all protectorish, and I got all protectorish.

It was a good show.

Come on, Arlo.

And it all worked out.

[Randy Narrating] And Earl and Zeke never had a clue we'd set 'em up.

[Sighs]

- Sorry for making you lose your friend again. - That's okay.

Maybe Zeke and Arlo were the ones meant to be friends.

Hmm. Maybe you're right.

- [Wind Whistling] - Hey, the lotto's back.

Hmm.

You know what, buddy? That eyebrow raise is kind of my thing.

That's cool.

Hey, Randy, one time this pirate walks into a bar.

He's got the ship's steering wheel attached to the crotch of his pants.

The bartender says, "Hey, pirate, you got a steering wheel coming out of your pants."

And the pirate nods and says, "Arrr! It's driving me nuts."

[Laughing]

That one was actually funny. [Laughing]

- What do you mean, "actually"? - Huh?