Original subtitles

[Man On TV] Emergency personnel would like to reiterate...

that the mud slide in question is a natural disaster...

not a giant alcoholic beverage.

They ask that citizens please stop driving toward it.

And in lighter news, it's time to turn our spotlight on a local loony.

- Let's meetJoy Turner, Camden's Loser of the Week. - [Donkey Braying]

[Earl Narrating] There was a reason whyJoy was on the Camden Loser of the Week segment...

and it was all my fault.

It started a few years back, when Joy was making an audition tape for Fear Factor.

- Ow. Ow. - Unfortunately, I was responsible for sending the tape in...

and, well, it didn't quite make it there.

- [Laughing] - So I got her another shot...

at being famous on a game show where people could challenge Erik Estrada to anything.

But instead ofbecoming famous, she looked like a psycho.

And even worse, I wound up blowing Darnell's cover in the Witness Protection Program...

which meant the whole family had to pack, except for one member.

Now, as you all know from the flyers I put up, Mr. Turtle remains lost.

The good news is, I gave him plenty of survival training, so I expect his imminent return.

So here's his food, his favorite scarf and his lip balm for the dry season.

[Earl Narrating] Next thing we knew...

the government snaps Joy, Darnell and the boys away.

[Both Screaming]

And even though me and Randy were woozy from the needles stuck in our necks...

I still knew what I had to do.

I promised Joy I'd make her dream come true.

We gotta find 'em.

[Earl Narrating] Which wasn't gonna be easy...

'cause the Turner family was already in a witness relocation facility.

I know it's small, but it was good enough for Tupac.

Uh, you didn't hear that.

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating]Joy, Darnell and the kids were waiting to start their new lives.

We have been locked in here for hours...

no idea where we are or what happens next...

and I still don't even know what you did...

to get in the Witness Protection Program in the first place.

Nobody does, except for Mr. Turtle...

and it's not like he's telling anybody.

For one, because he's lost. And for two-

- Well, you know. He's a turtle. - [Door Opens]

Mr. And Mrs. Turner. Sorry to keep you waiting so long.

Inside this packet you'll find your new family identity.

I'll give you a little time to look it over.

[Door Closes]

- The Rosensteins? - I do speak Hebrew.

We're from Columbus. We bowl.

Other hobbies include designing clothes for our pet collie.

Darnell, we gotta get somethin' better than this.

Joy, we're trailer park underachievers...

with two hyperactive, prediabetic kids.

How is this not better?

[Earl Narrating] Since we didn't know where else to start...

we combed the trailer park, looking for any clue we could find.

Then one walked right by us.

- Hey, Willie. - Hey, Earl.

Sorry I didn't see you over there. You're on my bad side.

Bad side? No way. The side with the eye patch kicks ass.

Any mail for the Turners?

Nah. They must've moved, because all their mail is being forwarded.

- Any idea where their mail's going? - Don't know.

Just know it's being forwarded.

[Earl Narrating] That got me thinking.

LfJoy and Darnell's mail was finding 'em, I could too.

[Randy] You know, you spend years hoping for an excuse...

to mail yourself somewhere in a cool wooden crate.

But when you actually get in the crate, it's not so glamorous.

All this complaining, and you guys are in a first-class box.

Americans are so spoiled.

[Earl Narrating] While me and Randy were trying to get toJoy...

Joy was trying to get to the life she wanted.

- So you're not happy with the name you've been given? - That's right.

You'd like your name to be Goldie Crystal?

Well, my full name would be Goldilocks.

And it's pronounced "Cristal," like what Diddy drinks.

I'm sorry. New identities are worked out in a top secret wing of the Pentagon.

The names are the result of some very complicated mathematical algorithms.

Phyllis and Marty Rosenstein? Look at this face.

Do I look like a Phyllis to you? No.

I look like the woman Marty leaves Phyllis for.

I'm just trying to help. They don't have this in Columbus.

I gotta be from someplace classy, like Panama City Beach, Florida.

And one more thing. A lady like me don't make clothes for dogs.

Only thing I ever sewed was my stab wound on prom night.

With all due respect, Mrs. Rosenstein...

uh, things don't work that way.

This is who you are now. Give it some time. You'll get used to it.

Not now.

He wouldn't let me change one mouse-fartin' thing.

I guess I'm really gonna be Phyllis Rosenstein for the rest of my life.

It's just a name. We're still the same people.

Except we'reJewish now, and they're considering changing my blood type.

O positive.

Mommy, did you get our new names changed?

Ira, Lenny, I did all I could.

[Randy] This is exciting.

Yeah, it kinda is, Randy.

We haven't taken a trip together in a long time.

That's if you don't count my dreams every night...

where we visit all the great places in the world.

Last night we were on a safari. You made love to a hippo.

- You always make love in my dreams. - [Brakes Squealing]

- Huh. - [Door Opens]

Shh. Someone's comin'.

Hey, Catalina!

If that's you in there, have a good vacation.

[Earl Narrating] We were on our way to get toJoy and Darnell...

and we weren't the only ones looking for 'em.

While we were heading out to find the Turners...

the Turners were turning into the Rosensteins.

Dag. I can't believe it took me into my 30s...

to find out I look this good in tweed.

- [Together] Shalom, Dad. - Shalom, boys.

Baby, come out. Let's see who Marty gets to cuddle with tonight.

Oh, man.

Perfect. No one will pay any attention to you, especially men.

I know. How could you do this to me?

It's like you took an episode of that show The Swan and ran it backwards.

- Oh, my God. I'm a "before." - Baby, we all gotta sacrifice.

In a few days, they're gonna surgically take my hair off and graft it to my face.

It's a new process. We're very proud of it.

Here's a picture of what he'll look like.

Oh, God!

And we plan on you gaining 30 pounds. Double-stuff tater skins?

You're trying to turn me into a fatty.

You're trying to mess with this?

Oh, hell, no. Hell, no!

- Hell, no. - Where is she going?

Does she know we're in a bunker half a mile under the Mall of America?

Baby, you in here?

[Sniffing]

- It's hard to track her when she's not chewing gum. - [Sighs]

I usually just follow the scent of strawberry-kiwi Hubba Bubba.

Listen, you gotta get her under control. She's a risk, Harry.

That's why you were advised to leave Camden when you had the chance...

so you wouldn't get mixed up with people like her.

That's my wife you're talking about.

You were only supposed to be... in Camden for six months.

Now, if you'd taken that job we had for you in Tokyo...

you would've been the one who invented Dance Dance Revolution.

But you wanted to waste your life in a trailer park.

That wasn't a waste. That was the best decision of my life!

You could've left Camden?

They wanted you to leave Camden...

and go off to the glamorous beaches ofTokyo, and you didn't do it?

I couldn't leave my baby.

I love you, Marty Rosenstein.

I'll hold up my end of the deal, no matter how much it hurts.

I hear you. They're gonna snip off the tip of my penis tomorrow.

[Earl Narrating] Being in that box was fun at first.

But six hours and three truck changes later, the fun was wearing off.

This is horrible.

I'm starving, and I already ate the emergency jerky I keep in my cheek.

All right, look.

I was gonna save this for later, but-

I caught a cricket.

- You wanna split it? - Yes, please.

- What do you want, breast or thigh? - Breast.

Ew! This must be a female one. I taste a little milk.

I gotta taste something else to make the flavor go away.

You're not licking me.

- [Electricity Crackling] - Ow. Ow. Ow.

Oh, my God.

Randy, don't you see what's happening?

Getting shocked, eating bugs-

These are things Joy did on her Fear Factor tape.

Karma's punishing us for ruining her dream.

- [Thud] - We're stopping.

- I think we're here. - What do we do now?

Wait for 'em to open us.

[Earl Narrating] Knowing all Darnell sacrificed for...

Joy decided to be the best Phyllis Rosenstein ever.

Okay. We're gonna start with the grocery store.

- [Beeps] - [Woman On P.A.] Price check on produce.

Excuse me, miss. You look so familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

I don't know. See if any of this rings a bell.

I was raised in Columbus, Ohio, but I was born in Sandusky.

I was bat mitzvahed at Temple Beth Torah. Ooh, what a party.

Had my first dance with Shmulkey Bernstein.

He grabbed my tokus.

- [Beeps] - [Earl Narrating] She memorized everything about Phyllis.

I've been designing for eight years.

My company is called "Collie Want a Cracker."

I have to say my signature piece is the Puppy Peacoat.

- [Beeps] - [Earl Narrating] She even learned to speak Jewish.

[Speaking Hebrew]

#Undercover Undercover of the night ##

That cricket breast isn't settling very well in my stomach.

[Gagging]

Oh, no. Joy threw up, so karma's gonna make you throw up too.

Don't worry, Earl. I'm not gonna throw- [Retching]

Damn it, Randy! Now I'm gonna throw- [Retching]

What the hell?

- [Owl Hooting] - Of course we're in a Dumpster.

We covered Joy in garbage on her audition tape.

Whoa. This one's to Peter DickJohnson...

that guy who used to live in the trailer park.

Remember how much we used to make fun of his name?

Those were some fun times.

I heard he jumped in front of a train.

All this stuff has been stamped "forward."

Must be mail for people who moved. The post office isn't forwarding it.

Oh, man. And there's so many letters in here for Santa Claus and God.

They're gonna be pissed when they find out they didn't get their mail...

and those are two guys you do not want to piss off.

I can't believe karma would put us through all this just to punish us.

L-I mean the bugs and-and the box...

and the throw up and all for nothin'?

What the hell's goin' on?

Son of a bitch. It's a letter from Estrada or Nada.

Joy could get another chance to be on the show. Listen to this.

"Send in this application...

"a check for $50 made out to Erik Estrada...

and get your friends to text message their vote for you."

That's it, Randy. That's why karma brought us here.

If we can getJoy on that show again...

she'll come back from anywhere in the world to be on it.

That's great, Earl.

But where are we gonna find a check that's already made out to Erik Estrada?

[Earl Narrating] In order to get toJoy, we started atJasper's.

Hey, somebody left a tooth in this retainer.

Yeah, it's a nice tooth. You know, it's nicer than yours.

You know, if you pulled out your front tooth, that thing would fit perfect.

- Good idea. - I'll take these.

Why the hell you need all my cell phones, Earl?

For text votin'. One of the Camden contestants on Estrada or Nada...

had some bad mayonnaise and died for three minutes.

He's alive now, but in no shape to compete.

Now they're havin' a contest to see who's gonna replace him.

Man, that's messed up. Your one shot at fame- undone by a condiment.

[Chuckles] I feel smarter already.

I'll be right back. My money's in the car.

Oh, buddy.

[Earl Narrating] I passed out the cell phones to everyone I knew...

and asked them to text their vote forJoy to get a chance...

to compete against Erik Estrada.

Sure, I'll text forJoy.

Maybe if she comes out of hiding, the bad guys'll kill her.

[Earl Narrating] Everybody spent the next two days texting votes...

- and crank calling each other. - [Phone Ringing]

By the time they were ready to announce the winner...

we had the whole Crab Shack rooting forJoy.

Now it's time for the results of the text-in votes...

to see who will replace the victim of the mayonnaise tragedy...

go head-to-head with me and find out if they're-

[Grunts]

Estrada or Nada.

And the winner is...

Joy Turner.

[Cheering]

[Earl Narrating] And we weren't the only ones watching.

Joy Turner.

Did you hear that? America has spoken, and they've spoken for me.

Baby, I feel terrible. All I ever wanted to do is make you happy...

and now I'm keeping you from your chance to be famous and possibly be in Parade magazine.

Are you kiddin' me?

I'd rather be Phyllis Rosenstein...

keep wearing these granny panties and have my family...

than whup Erik Estrada and have nobody to share it with.

Besides, we ain't allowed to work today anyway.

- It's Shabbas. - [Door Opens]

Marty, time to change your blood type. Let's go.

Okay.

I love you, baby.

- [Groans] - [Body Thuds]

[Joy] What the hell?

[Gasps] Darnell!

You got the rest of your life to be Phyllis Rosenstein.

You deserve one more chance to beJoy Turner.

Time to find out if you're Estrada or Nada.

Woo-hoo!

Where the hell is Joy? Maybe she didn't see the commercial.

Maybe she's here, but we don't know it because they changed her identity.

She could be anyone. She could be a Chinese dude.

She could be that Chinese dude.

Joy. Joy! Joy!

Joy! Joy!

Joy! It's not her.

- I'm out of ideas. - [Sighs]

[Earl Narrating] I was starting to think this whole thing was a waste of time.

But at least I wasn't onstage getting humiliated.

Alas, poor Yorick.

I knew him, Horatio.

A man of infinite jest and excellent fancy.

[Audience] Estrada!

To be or nada to be!

[Woman] Yeah!

Coming up next was supposed to be Camden's Joy Turner...

going head-to-head against Erik Estrada...

to see who has the better circus variety act.

But unfortunately, it looks likeJoy is a no-show.

- [Audience] Aw. - So I guess that means that Erik-

Does this look like a no-show to you? Erik Estrada, your ass is mine!

- [Audience Cheering] - Whoa. It is on now, people.

- It is on! - Yeah!

[Earl Narrating] And it was on.

Joy did a weird, stretchy-singy thing.

#You got to know when to hold 'em #

- [Clapping] - # Know when to fold 'em #

#Know when to hop away Know when to run ##

[Earl Narrating] But Erik Estrada matched Joy's amazing musical circus stunt...

- with one ofhis own. - ## ["Battle Hymn of the Republic"]

- [Groans] - [Audience] Ooh!

- ## [Continues] - [Cheering]

[Earl Narrating] They were both so good, thejudges decided it would have to go into a-

Tiebreaker!

- ## [Latin] - [Cheering, Applause]

[Earl Narrating] Joy got to pick the first tiebreaker...

so she chose the body part she used to win every fight-her mouth.

[Cheering, Applause]

But to her surprise, Erik Estrada's nickname...

wasn't "Hot Tongue"just 'cause he was a good kisser.

- [Audience Murmuring] - And when breathing fire didn't break the tie...

Erik Estrada chose his secret weapon-

playing music on wine glasses.

But it turns outJoy was just as good.

- [Man] Let's go, Joy! - They're going again!

- [Cheering, Applause] - ## [Latin]

[Earl Narrating] And that's when Joy came up with the one thing she knew...

no one else could beat her at- a combination of all her new skills.

She called it "Dressing a dog while talking Hebrew...

with a follow-up trivia question about Ohio. "

[Hebrew]

[Cheering, Applause]

[Hebrew]

[Audience] Ooh.

Okay, here we go with our trivia question about the great state of Ohio.

"Everyone knows that East 105th Street and Euclid Avenue in Cleveland...

"was the location of the first pedestrian button for the control of a traffic light.

"Name the boy chosen for the 1948 newsreel...

to demonstrate its operation."

## [Latin]

- [Bell Dings] - ## [Ends]

Okay, time's up. Your answers, please.

The correct answer is Louis Spronze-

L-O-U-l-S.

Oh, my God. I can't believe this. Joy is right.

The great one has fallen.

[Gasping]

[Male Announcer] Joy Turner!

Yeah! Yeah!

Congratulations, Joy Turner.

I gotta tell you, you remind me of a young me-

full of drive and passion...

and an esoteric knowledge of Ohio.

Get ready, Joy Turner. You're about to be famous.

- ## [Latin] - [Cheering]

## [Ends]

You made this happen, didn't you?

I knew you weren't a nada, and I wanted to make sure everybody else knew it too.

Joy, we better go. Soon thousands of agents will be swarming down on us.

And while that's cool when you see it in a movie...

it's not so cool when you're the one being swarmed upon.

Well, I guess this is it.

I know I might've divorced you...

and kicked you out of your own house...

and tried to kill you multiple times...

but it all came out of love.

I know, Joy.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

We've had a good run, Randy.

Some of the stuff you've said will stay with me forever.

Like, "What if dogs had legs like shrimps?"

- "Shrogs." - Or "drimps."

- "Shrogs." - Or "drimps."

- "Shrogs!" - Let's not do this again.

- Good-bye, Randy. - Bye, Darnell.

Earl.

Well, good-bye, Earl.

[Earl Narrating] After everything me and Joy had been through...

and after all the things we'd yelled and screamed at each other over the years...

I was surprised to find there was one thing I couldn't say.

You didn't say good-bye.

L-I'll tell 'em next time.