Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[Man On TV, Indistinct]

We have Robert standing by-

Oh, no. Darnell!

[Grunts, Groans]

Hey, baby.

What the hell happened? Looks like Santa got shot down over Baghdad.

I must have dozed off watching C-SPAN.

Great. Now I don't know how the Senate voted on corn subsidies.

I'm gonna look like a idiot at the Crab Shack tonight.

I just cleaned up today, Darnell.

Look at this mess.

Darnell, whose child is this?

I don't know. Looks like Al and Marylou's kid.

Yep. Deaf as a doorknob. That's Oliver.

Damn it, Darnell, what'd I tell you about falling asleep with the front door open?

People gonna use you as a babysitter.

Now I gotta check the whole house for more.

Hey, buddy. Are you hungry?

Do you want some-

Shoot. I can't remember the sign for Cheese Crunchies.

Yep. There's one in the bathtub and two in the hamper.

- [TV: Crowd Noise] - Boring.

- [Woman]... with a high of 60 degrees. - Boring.

- [Boy] He's got it! - Boring.

- [Man] Just calm down! - Boring.

- ## [Techno] - CHiPs. CHiPs!

- CHiPs! CHiPs! - [Toilet Flushes]

Please be the one with the robot. Please be the one with the robot.

Randy, this isn't CHiPs.

I don't know what this is.

[Announcer] A new game show, where contestants challenge...

the greatest star in the history of television to any competition imaginable-

hot dog eating...

fencing...

sewing...

violining...

geography-

- [Buzzer] - To find out if they are-

[Audience] Estrada or Nada.

Earl, I have a new greatest day of my life.

Randy, we truly live in the golden age of television.

You think you got a talent?

Well, you can challenge me to anything.

- [Announcer] Sushi making. - Hai.

[Boy] What is cosine X over E?

Sorry, Sanjay. That's cosine X over E minus one.

[Announcer] Mathematics.

Lumberjacking.

You'll be judged by our expert panel-

a Hollywood stuntman, a former Olympian...

- and a morning zoo deejay. - [Animal Sounds]

With American Idol's one-and-done cohost, Brian Dunkleman.

We'll be holding auditions all over America...

- so you can find out if you're- - Estrada or Nada.

[Announcer] Camden auditions next Thursday at the Camden Junior College gymnasium...

off the parkway at Exit 15, just past the Welding Museum.

Earl- Earl, Earl, Earl-

We're going, Randy- and we're bringing Joy with us.

[Earl Narrating] I was gonna do list item number 31-

ruined Joy's chance ofbeing on TV.

A few years back, Joy wanted to be on Fear Factor...

so she made an audition tape.

Fear is no factor here, Joe Rogan.

#You just ain't seen nothin'yet #

#Here's something Here's something you're never gonna forget, baby #

#You know, you know, you know #

- # You just ain't seen nothin'yet # - [Swallows]

- # You need educatin'# - Fear Factor!

She wanted to show she was willing to do anything-

- [Electricity Crackling] - Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Fear Factor!

- Aaah! - no matter how scary-

Get 'em out. Get 'em out. Get 'em out. Get 'em out.

[Whimpering]

You get it, Randy?

All right, guys. Time to put you fellas back in the wall.

And to show that she could look good doing it.

#You just ain't seen n-nothing yet #

#Here's something Here's something #

- # Here's some lovin' you'll never forget, baby # - [Flies Buzzing]

#Baby, baby, baby You ain't seen n-n-nothing yet #

- # You ain't been around ## - Fear Factor!

Unfortunately, later that day me and Randy stole one of those pull-guns.

Pull.

[Laughing] Pull.

Pull.

I told Joy I mailed the tape...

and since it was still pretty early on in our marriage, she believed me.

Randy, we gotta getJoy on that show to challenge Erik Estrada.

I'm gonna challenge him too when I think of a talent.

It's not gonna be having the prettiest smile though...

'cause his is unbelievable.

[Earl Narrating] I wanted to getJoy on Estrada or Nada...

so I had to tell her the truth about the Fear Factor tape.

Son of a bitch. You never sent the tape?

Nope.

But remember, we used that pull-gun to rob the medical supply place.

You weren't complaining when you got to sit down in the shower.

That was the day I got all those rubber gloves.

For a week, I could put my hands anywhere. It was awesome.

So you faked the rejection letter? I thought it was weird...

thatJoe Rogan said I came off too bitchy...

and that I should be nicer to my husband and his brother.

Anyway, Joy, l-I'm sorry, and I'm gonna make it up to you.

I'm gonna get you on Estrada or Nada.

I'm not doing it.

Thanks, Earl, but I gave up on that dream.

- What dream? - The dream of being famous.

[Earl Narrating] Turns out, Fear Factor...

was one of many disappointments in Joy's life.

Since she was a kid, she had her sights set on being famous.

Grammy, I'm gonna be special someday. I'm gonna be famous.

Doubt it.

You come from a long line of liars, cheats and harelips.

- Huh? - You're never gonna be famous.

You got failure in your blood.

Your mom is as crooked as a do-it-yourself haircut...

and your poor, dumb daddy-

He was 14 years old before he could even wave good-bye. [Chuckles]

Night, night, sugar.

[Coughing]

ButJoy didn't listen to her grandma.

She still had big dreams, like being a beauty queen.

Wait. None of these other girls were pretty enough...

so I get to be Miss America for two years in a row?

There's no rule against that?

Oh, there was, and you broke it for me?

Oh-And to think it all started years ago...

when I won Camden's Prettiest Pretty Princess.

[Earl Narrating] But she didn't win that title...

because a prettier prettiest princess came along.

When beauty queen didn't work out...

she started to fantasize about being a famous politician.

Wait, you want me to be the president of America for two years in a row?

Isn't there a law against that?

Oh, there was, and you broke it for me?

Oh! Well, I am honored to serve.

And to think it all started when I won president...

of my sophomore class in high school.

But politics didn't go very well either.

I'm not just going to be a president for the hotties.

I'm going to be a president for the people-

the fat girls, the nerdy Asians...

you butter-face cheerleaders-

And the closeted gays, like quarterback Mikey Shipley...

I've got your backs.

Joy for president.

[AudienceJeering]

[Boy] Nice pass, Shipley.

[Earl Narrating] And years later, Joy took one more shot at being famous...

by trying to get on Fear Factor.

Oh, my God. I won the award...

for being the most unafraid person on Fear Factor ever?

And my reward is I get to dump my stupid husband and marry Kevin Bacon?

Isn't there some kind of law against that?

What?

You changed the laws of marriage for me?

And to think this all started a couple weeks ago...

when I gave myself dysentery by swallowing that worm.

So Fear Factor was really just the last straw for me.

Well, that means I didn't just keep you off a TV show.

- I killed your childhood dream of being famous. - You did me a favor.

My grammy was right. There are certain people in the world...

that are destined to be somebody, and I'm not one of'em.

I'm not an Estrada. I'm a nada.

- Joy, you can't believe that. - Look.

My grammy may have been a drunk, racist monster...

but she was a good judge of character, and she didn't see any in me.

We're lucky our grandma told us we could be anything.

She told you that?

I bet Erik Estrada can't catch 50 pennies on his elbow.

[Clattering]

I'm gonna try 49.

[Earl Narrating] I had trouble getting to sleep...

notjust 'cause of Randy, but 'cause I couldn't stop thinking aboutJoy.

The thing was, Joy couldn't stop thinking aboutJoy either.

#Through the mirror of my mind #

#Time after time #

[Earl Narrating] Seemed like everything she did...

she ended up glimpsing herself in a mirror.

#Reflections of the way life used to be #

#Reflections of#

And it made her think of the mirror she looked into when she was a little girl.

#As I peer through the window #

She remembered when she still used to dream.

#Lookin'over my yesterdays #

Oh, my goodness. You're giving me a Nobel Peace Prize...

for best performance in a reality TV show?

[Gasps] Is there even a prize for that?

#Reflects a love that used to be ##

You made one just for me?

Oh. And to think this all started...

when I beat the chips out of Erik Estrada.

Earl Hickey, you gonna get me on that TV show.

## [Continues]

## [Vocalizing]

## [Ends]

He's good. I better go practice.

[Earl Narrating] The Camden locals brought out their "A"games...

to try out for the new reality show, Estrada or Nada.

Man, I haven't seen a line this long in Camden...

since the opening day of the methadone clinic.

That place was a rip-off. Me and Randy waited in line for two hours...

- and all we got was a cup of weird-tasting orange juice. - Really, Earl?

You didn't like it? I thought it was great.

Remember, I went there, like, every day for a month...

and then when you told me I couldn't go back, I tried to kill you?

Man, that was good orange juice. God, I wish I had some right now.

298.

299.

300. Everyone with numbers, follow me.

- Hey, headset. I didn't get a number. - So don't follow me.

We're only seeing 300 contestants.

Dummy! Maid!

You know how much I care about you two. Give me your number.

Mm-mmm. Don't look at me.

I've been training for this moment since I was six.

I can slice an apple in two from 50 paces...

or decapitate a man from 10.

Mr. Estrada's choice.

Randy, you gotta help me out. This is for my list.

No way, Earl. I'm wearing a rubber band so I can hit the high notes.

If I don't go in there, I'm just some weird guy on line with a rubber band around his danglers.

Randy, I'm gonna snap that rubber band if you don't let me take your number.

Come on, Randy. I really need your number. How about we thumb wrestle for it?

No way. You know I inherited Mom's slow, clumsy thumbs.

Then how about you giveJoy your number, and the next list item I do...

will be something I make up to you?

Will you do it right now? No waitsies?

Yes, he will. Come on, Darnell.

It's time for me to shine and rub my dead grammy's face in it.

Hope she gets TV reception in hell.

Got it.

[Earl Narrating] He picked number 182-

played tetherball with Randy's face.

One.

[Earl Narrating] For his audition...

lqball had decided to challenge Erik Estrada at fancy talking.

Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.

A fellow of infinite jest...

and most excellent fancy.

[Bell Ringing]

[Earl Narrating] And win or lose, there was plenty of variety.

Knock, knock.

- Hey, d- - [Buzzer]

[Earl Narrating] My favorite audition was the guy...

who played Ponch in some stage show called Micro Chips.

- [Bell Ringing] - Yeah!

Okay, last up is number 300...

Joy Turner.

Finally. Dunkleman out!

Hack stole it from me.

Hello.

My name is Joy Turner...

A.K.A. The Crustacean Sensation.

#You keep saying you've got something for me #

I don't remember her being that flexible when we were married.

I do. Sorry, buddy.

#These claws are made for walking #

#And that's just what they'll do #

# One of these days these claws are gonna-##

[Buzzer]

The hell? Which one of you sons ofbitches gave me the buzz?

I'm pretty sure Erik wouldn't want to do something like that.

It's, frankly, just too silly.

Too silly?

Y'all took a guy that acted out an entire episode of The Smurfs by himself...

and he didn't even sound like Gargamel.

On this show you're dealing with an Erik Estrada...

and Erik enjoys being funny.

- He doesn't like being silly. - Well-

You tell Erik Estrada that this is what happens...

to men that say no toJoy Turner.

[Groans]

I was afraid of this.

Joy!

Darnell Turner, you let me loose right now.

I'm gonna bite off your nose, Brian Dunkleman.

Then we'll see who looks silly.

[Earl Narrating] We all watched the show together at the Crab Shack...

just like when there's a plane crash or chemical spill...

or when someone we know is involved in a slow-speed chase.

[Joy, Slurred Voice] I don't wanna watch this crap.

This show is everything that's wrong with America today.

Change the channel. Celebrity Rehab is on.

No, keep it on. I'm hoping they show my audition.

I know I didn't split the apple, but a girl with nice boobies, swinging a machete? Come on.

[Announcer] It's time to find out if you are-

[All] Estrada or Nada.

There are "nadas"who are good sports, and "nadas"who are bad.

And then there's Joy Turner.

You tell Erik Estrada that this is what happens to men that say no toJoy Turner.

Darnell Turner, you let me loose right now!

I'm gonna bite off your nose, Brian Dunkleman. Then we'll see who looks silly.

Hey, Estrada, come to Camden and face me like a man.

Pimmit Hills Trailer Park, Lot "L"-

The one with the bathtub in the front yard.

The small bathtub, not the big one.

[All Gasping]

Y'all got a problem with that? Huh?

'Cause I got another big-ass shoe.

Anybody? Anybody?

[Cell Phone Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

I believe that's for me.

- [Beeps] - [Gasps]

I'm gonna need to step away to take this.

- Go for Darnell. - Cool. Darnell's got a hair phone.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Roger that. Don't worry. I'll destroy it.

[Beeps]

Cool. Darnell blew up his hair phone.

Darnell, what's going on?

It ends up that while we may laugh at reality TV...

for being the lowest form of entertainment, apparently the ratings are quite large.

Twenty million people just saw my face.

My Witness Protection cover has been blown.

Well, I guess all this means I can't cross you off my list.

Hell no, you can't. You just humiliated me in front of the whole country...

and you put my husband in danger.

Now you're gonna have to bold, underline and Italian-size me on that list.

Actually, Joy, he put us all in danger. We have to relocate.

I don't get it, Darnell. So one minute we're watching TV...

and the next, you're telling me the F.B.I.'s snatching us away...

because there's people that wanna come here and kill us?

Technically, they only want to kill me. They'll kill whoever else is in the room.

- Wh-When you say, "Whoever else is in the room"- - Yeah, I mean you.

- What about me? - You too.

- Nice. - And if the F.B.I. Gets here first-

You don't wanna be here for that either.

Joy, we only have time to pack the essentials-

clothes, medicine and my grandma's lemon square recipe.

Is she even gonna be your grandma anymore?

Truth be told, she wasn't my real grandmas to begin with.

She testified against Halliburton. But I love her to death.

Now as you all know from the flyers I've put up, the candlelight vigils...

and the billboard on Third Street, Mr. Turtle remains lost.

The good news is, I gave him plenty of survival training...

so I expect his imminent return.

So here's his food, his favorite scarf...

and his lip balm for the dry season.

I'm really sorry, Joy.

I feel like this is kinda my fault...

for getting you to go on that show.

It's totally your fault.

- Sorry. You weren't talking to me. - He's right.

My childhood dream of being famous was dead and buried, and you dug it up.

You made me go on TV and turned my dream into a nightmare.

You made me a laughingstock.

Yeah, dummy.

If she's not gonna beJoy anymore, I thought I'd try it.

It's not for me.

Joy, I promise, I'm gonna make this up to you.

What are my boys doing wearing their bicycle helmets?

Sometimes the pick-ups are a little rough. Tuck your arms in, fellas.

- Joy, please hustle. - I'm not hurrying for the government.

- I paid their salary the year I did my taxes.

- Joy- - They may tell me I have to move...

but I'm gonna call the rest of the shots- what I pack, when I pack, how I pack.

- [Electricity Crackling] - [Groans]

- [Thuds] - [Vehicle Departs]

[Voices Whispering]

[Both Screaming]

[Screaming Continues]

- They're gone. - I can't believe it.

There's so many things I never got to say to them, like, uh-

Well, maybe I got that covered, but still, I miss 'em.

I can't just let someone take my ex-wife...

the guy she cheated on me with and my two "igelitimate" kids.

I promised Joy I'd make her dream come true.

That's the last thing I said to her.

We gotta find 'em.

Wow. There's still a little liquid in mine.

- I wonder what it tastes like. - Randy, no!

[Groans]