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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,101 --> 00:00:03,535 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:06,628 [Man On TV, Indistinct] 3 00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:12,041 We have Robert standing by- 4 00:00:12,145 --> 00:00:14,079 Oh, no. Darnell! 5 00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:16,410 [Grunts, Groans] 6 00:00:16,516 --> 00:00:18,416 Hey, baby. 7 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:22,147 What the hell happened? Looks like Santa got shot down over Baghdad. 8 00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:25,315 I must have dozed off watching C-SPAN. 9 00:00:25,425 --> 00:00:28,451 Great. Now I don't know how the Senate voted on corn subsidies. 10 00:00:28,561 --> 00:00:31,325 I'm gonna look like a idiot at the Crab Shack tonight. 11 00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:33,524 I just cleaned up today, Darnell. 12 00:00:33,633 --> 00:00:35,601 Look at this mess. 13 00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:41,537 Darnell, whose child is this? 14 00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:44,838 I don't know. Looks like Al and Marylou's kid. 15 00:00:47,347 --> 00:00:49,907 Yep. Deaf as a doorknob. That's Oliver. 16 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:53,008 Damn it, Darnell, what'd I tell you about falling asleep with the front door open? 17 00:00:53,119 --> 00:00:55,053 People gonna use you as a babysitter. 18 00:00:55,155 --> 00:00:58,352 Now I gotta check the whole house for more. 19 00:01:03,763 --> 00:01:06,391 Hey, buddy. Are you hungry? 20 00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:09,798 Do you want some- 21 00:01:12,038 --> 00:01:15,530 Shoot. I can't remember the sign for Cheese Crunchies. 22 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:18,634 Yep. There's one in the bathtub and two in the hamper. 23 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,212 - [TV: Crowd Noise] - Boring. 24 00:01:20,313 --> 00:01:21,940 - [Woman]... with a high of 60 degrees. - Boring. 25 00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:23,913 - [Boy] He's got it! - Boring. 26 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,678 - [Man] Just calm down! - Boring. 27 00:01:25,785 --> 00:01:27,309 - ## [Techno] - CHiPs. CHiPs! 28 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,320 - CHiPs! CHiPs! - [Toilet Flushes] 29 00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:32,789 Please be the one with the robot. Please be the one with the robot. 30 00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:37,428 Randy, this isn't CHiPs. 31 00:01:37,530 --> 00:01:39,964 I don't know what this is. 32 00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:43,058 [Announcer] A new game show, where contestants challenge... 33 00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:47,071 the greatest star in the history of television to any competition imaginable- 34 00:01:47,173 --> 00:01:49,300 hot dog eating... 35 00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:51,639 fencing... 36 00:01:51,744 --> 00:01:53,769 sewing... 37 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,015 violining... 38 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,381 geography- 39 00:01:59,486 --> 00:02:02,216 - [Buzzer] - To find out if they are- 40 00:02:02,322 --> 00:02:05,348 [Audience] Estrada or Nada. 41 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:08,359 Earl, I have a new greatest day of my life. 42 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:11,919 Randy, we truly live in the golden age of television. 43 00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:13,931 You think you got a talent? 44 00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:15,967 Well, you can challenge me to anything. 45 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:19,971 - [Announcer] Sushi making. - Hai. 46 00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:22,473 [Boy] What is cosine X over E? 47 00:02:22,575 --> 00:02:27,205 Sorry, Sanjay. That's cosine X over E minus one. 48 00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:29,645 [Announcer] Mathematics. 49 00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:31,307 Lumberjacking. 50 00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,882 You'll be judged by our expert panel- 51 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,653 a Hollywood stuntman, a former Olympian... 52 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,196 - and a morning zoo deejay. - [Animal Sounds] 53 00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:47,528 With American Idol's one-and-done cohost, Brian Dunkleman. 54 00:02:47,634 --> 00:02:49,602 We'll be holding auditions all over America... 55 00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:55,334 - so you can find out if you're- - Estrada or Nada. 56 00:02:55,441 --> 00:02:58,535 [Announcer] Camden auditions next Thursday at the Camden Junior College gymnasium... 57 00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:01,842 off the parkway at Exit 15, just past the Welding Museum. 58 00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:04,473 Earl- Earl, Earl, Earl- 59 00:03:04,584 --> 00:03:07,644 We're going, Randy- and we're bringing Joy with us. 60 00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:10,484 [Earl Narrating] I was gonna do list item number 31- 61 00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:12,751 ruined Joy's chance ofbeing on TV. 62 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:16,124 A few years back, Joy wanted to be on Fear Factor... 63 00:03:16,229 --> 00:03:18,129 so she made an audition tape. 64 00:03:18,231 --> 00:03:20,290 Fear is no factor here, Joe Rogan. 65 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,425 #You just ain't seen nothin'yet # 66 00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:26,301 #Here's something Here's something you're never gonna forget, baby # 67 00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:28,306 #You know, you know, you know # 68 00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:31,275 - # You just ain't seen nothin'yet # - [Swallows] 69 00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:35,438 - # You need educatin'# - Fear Factor! 70 00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:38,039 She wanted to show she was willing to do anything- 71 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,449 - [Electricity Crackling] - Ow. Ow. Ow. 72 00:03:40,553 --> 00:03:45,388 Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. 73 00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:47,516 Fear Factor! 74 00:03:47,627 --> 00:03:50,187 - Aaah! - no matter how scary- 75 00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:52,696 Get 'em out. Get 'em out. Get 'em out. Get 'em out. 76 00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,029 [Whimpering] 77 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,302 You get it, Randy? 78 00:03:58,404 --> 00:04:00,804 All right, guys. Time to put you fellas back in the wall. 79 00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:03,307 And to show that she could look good doing it. 80 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:06,276 #You just ain't seen n-nothing yet # 81 00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:08,279 #Here's something Here's something # 82 00:04:08,381 --> 00:04:10,611 - # Here's some lovin' you'll never forget, baby # - [Flies Buzzing] 83 00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:14,414 #Baby, baby, baby You ain't seen n-n-nothing yet # 84 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:18,149 - # You ain't been around ## - Fear Factor! 85 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:22,524 Unfortunately, later that day me and Randy stole one of those pull-guns. 86 00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:24,790 Pull. 87 00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:28,230 [Laughing] Pull. 88 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,937 Pull. 89 00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:35,864 I told Joy I mailed the tape... 90 00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:39,502 and since it was still pretty early on in our marriage, she believed me. 91 00:04:39,612 --> 00:04:43,912 Randy, we gotta getJoy on that show to challenge Erik Estrada. 92 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:47,748 I'm gonna challenge him too when I think of a talent. 93 00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:49,947 It's not gonna be having the prettiest smile though... 94 00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:52,616 'cause his is unbelievable. 95 00:04:56,929 --> 00:04:59,124 [Earl Narrating] I wanted to getJoy on Estrada or Nada... 96 00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:02,099 so I had to tell her the truth about the Fear Factor tape. 97 00:05:02,201 --> 00:05:05,329 Son of a bitch. You never sent the tape? 98 00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:07,338 Nope. 99 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,432 But remember, we used that pull-gun to rob the medical supply place. 100 00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:13,171 You weren't complaining when you got to sit down in the shower. 101 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:15,975 That was the day I got all those rubber gloves. 102 00:05:16,082 --> 00:05:18,550 For a week, I could put my hands anywhere. It was awesome. 103 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,881 So you faked the rejection letter? I thought it was weird... 104 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,080 thatJoe Rogan said I came off too bitchy... 105 00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:25,623 and that I should be nicer to my husband and his brother. 106 00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:28,319 Anyway, Joy, l-I'm sorry, and I'm gonna make it up to you. 107 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:31,056 I'm gonna get you on Estrada or Nada. 108 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,893 I'm not doing it. 109 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,467 Thanks, Earl, but I gave up on that dream. 110 00:05:35,568 --> 00:05:39,026 - What dream? - The dream of being famous. 111 00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:41,038 [Earl Narrating] Turns out, Fear Factor... 112 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:43,233 was one of many disappointments in Joy's life. 113 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:47,109 Since she was a kid, she had her sights set on being famous. 114 00:05:47,213 --> 00:05:51,650 Grammy, I'm gonna be special someday. I'm gonna be famous. 115 00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:53,878 Doubt it. 116 00:05:53,986 --> 00:05:57,012 You come from a long line of liars, cheats and harelips. 117 00:05:57,123 --> 00:06:01,059 - Huh? - You're never gonna be famous. 118 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,060 You got failure in your blood. 119 00:06:03,162 --> 00:06:07,292 Your mom is as crooked as a do-it-yourself haircut... 120 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:09,300 and your poor, dumb daddy- 121 00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:13,896 He was 14 years old before he could even wave good-bye. [Chuckles] 122 00:06:14,006 --> 00:06:15,906 Night, night, sugar. 123 00:06:16,008 --> 00:06:18,135 [Coughing] 124 00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:24,915 ButJoy didn't listen to her grandma. 125 00:06:25,017 --> 00:06:28,145 She still had big dreams, like being a beauty queen. 126 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:31,280 Wait. None of these other girls were pretty enough... 127 00:06:31,391 --> 00:06:34,883 so I get to be Miss America for two years in a row? 128 00:06:34,994 --> 00:06:36,894 There's no rule against that? 129 00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:39,396 Oh, there was, and you broke it for me? 130 00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:43,026 Oh-And to think it all started years ago... 131 00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:46,628 when I won Camden's Prettiest Pretty Princess. 132 00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,639 [Earl Narrating] But she didn't win that title... 133 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:51,471 because a prettier prettiest princess came along. 134 00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,738 When beauty queen didn't work out... 135 00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:58,510 she started to fantasize about being a famous politician. 136 00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:03,078 Wait, you want me to be the president of America for two years in a row? 137 00:07:03,189 --> 00:07:05,316 Isn't there a law against that? 138 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,656 Oh, there was, and you broke it for me? 139 00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:11,889 Oh! Well, I am honored to serve. 140 00:07:11,998 --> 00:07:14,466 And to think it all started when I won president... 141 00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,899 of my sophomore class in high school. 142 00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:19,904 But politics didn't go very well either. 143 00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:22,907 I'm not just going to be a president for the hotties. 144 00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,671 I'm going to be a president for the people- 145 00:07:25,778 --> 00:07:28,474 the fat girls, the nerdy Asians... 146 00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,481 you butter-face cheerleaders- 147 00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:32,483 And the closeted gays, like quarterback Mikey Shipley... 148 00:07:32,585 --> 00:07:34,485 I've got your backs. 149 00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:36,487 Joy for president. 150 00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,784 [AudienceJeering] 151 00:07:39,892 --> 00:07:41,826 [Boy] Nice pass, Shipley. 152 00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:45,022 [Earl Narrating] And years later, Joy took one more shot at being famous... 153 00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:47,099 by trying to get on Fear Factor. 154 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,100 Oh, my God. I won the award... 155 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:52,933 for being the most unafraid person on Fear Factor ever? 156 00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:57,703 And my reward is I get to dump my stupid husband and marry Kevin Bacon? 157 00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:01,075 Isn't there some kind of law against that? 158 00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:03,080 What? 159 00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:06,310 You changed the laws of marriage for me? 160 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:09,354 And to think this all started a couple weeks ago... 161 00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:12,652 when I gave myself dysentery by swallowing that worm. 162 00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:16,489 So Fear Factor was really just the last straw for me. 163 00:08:16,596 --> 00:08:19,258 Well, that means I didn't just keep you off a TV show. 164 00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:22,664 - I killed your childhood dream of being famous. - You did me a favor. 165 00:08:22,768 --> 00:08:25,737 My grammy was right. There are certain people in the world... 166 00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,238 that are destined to be somebody, and I'm not one of'em. 167 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,241 I'm not an Estrada. I'm a nada. 168 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,504 - Joy, you can't believe that. - Look. 169 00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:34,603 My grammy may have been a drunk, racist monster... 170 00:08:34,714 --> 00:08:38,343 but she was a good judge of character, and she didn't see any in me. 171 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,623 We're lucky our grandma told us we could be anything. 172 00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:48,216 She told you that? 173 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,827 I bet Erik Estrada can't catch 50 pennies on his elbow. 174 00:08:55,935 --> 00:08:57,903 [Clattering] 175 00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:01,906 I'm gonna try 49. 176 00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:03,976 [Earl Narrating] I had trouble getting to sleep... 177 00:09:04,076 --> 00:09:08,103 notjust 'cause of Randy, but 'cause I couldn't stop thinking aboutJoy. 178 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:11,650 The thing was, Joy couldn't stop thinking aboutJoy either. 179 00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:13,685 #Through the mirror of my mind # 180 00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:16,084 #Time after time # 181 00:09:16,188 --> 00:09:18,088 [Earl Narrating] Seemed like everything she did... 182 00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,317 she ended up glimpsing herself in a mirror. 183 00:09:20,426 --> 00:09:24,590 #Reflections of the way life used to be # 184 00:09:24,697 --> 00:09:26,597 #Reflections of# 185 00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:30,100 And it made her think of the mirror she looked into when she was a little girl. 186 00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:32,261 #As I peer through the window # 187 00:09:32,371 --> 00:09:34,498 She remembered when she still used to dream. 188 00:09:34,607 --> 00:09:37,041 #Lookin'over my yesterdays # 189 00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:40,510 Oh, my goodness. You're giving me a Nobel Peace Prize... 190 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:43,377 for best performance in a reality TV show? 191 00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:45,973 [Gasps] Is there even a prize for that? 192 00:09:46,085 --> 00:09:48,178 #Reflects a love that used to be ## 193 00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:50,585 You made one just for me? 194 00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:53,022 Oh. And to think this all started... 195 00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:56,652 when I beat the chips out of Erik Estrada. 196 00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:00,561 Earl Hickey, you gonna get me on that TV show. 197 00:10:03,903 --> 00:10:06,337 ## [Continues] 198 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,748 ## [Vocalizing] 199 00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:34,999 ## [Ends] 200 00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:38,833 He's good. I better go practice. 201 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,407 [Earl Narrating] The Camden locals brought out their "A"games... 202 00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:55,248 to try out for the new reality show, Estrada or Nada. 203 00:10:55,354 --> 00:10:57,447 Man, I haven't seen a line this long in Camden... 204 00:10:57,556 --> 00:10:59,820 since the opening day of the methadone clinic. 205 00:10:59,925 --> 00:11:03,383 That place was a rip-off. Me and Randy waited in line for two hours... 206 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:06,954 - and all we got was a cup of weird-tasting orange juice. - Really, Earl? 207 00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:09,159 You didn't like it? I thought it was great. 208 00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:11,463 Remember, I went there, like, every day for a month... 209 00:11:11,570 --> 00:11:15,529 and then when you told me I couldn't go back, I tried to kill you? 210 00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:18,735 Man, that was good orange juice. God, I wish I had some right now. 211 00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,744 298. 212 00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,905 299. 213 00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:26,542 300. Everyone with numbers, follow me. 214 00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:29,644 - Hey, headset. I didn't get a number. - So don't follow me. 215 00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,383 We're only seeing 300 contestants. 216 00:11:32,491 --> 00:11:34,322 Dummy! Maid! 217 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:37,362 You know how much I care about you two. Give me your number. 218 00:11:37,463 --> 00:11:39,431 Mm-mmm. Don't look at me. 219 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,057 I've been training for this moment since I was six. 220 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:45,035 I can slice an apple in two from 50 paces... 221 00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:47,037 or decapitate a man from 10. 222 00:11:47,139 --> 00:11:49,039 Mr. Estrada's choice. 223 00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:52,042 Randy, you gotta help me out. This is for my list. 224 00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:55,511 No way, Earl. I'm wearing a rubber band so I can hit the high notes. 225 00:11:55,614 --> 00:11:59,846 If I don't go in there, I'm just some weird guy on line with a rubber band around his danglers. 226 00:11:59,952 --> 00:12:02,750 Randy, I'm gonna snap that rubber band if you don't let me take your number. 227 00:12:02,855 --> 00:12:06,552 Come on, Randy. I really need your number. How about we thumb wrestle for it? 228 00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:09,389 No way. You know I inherited Mom's slow, clumsy thumbs. 229 00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:12,464 Then how about you giveJoy your number, and the next list item I do... 230 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,624 will be something I make up to you? 231 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,965 Will you do it right now? No waitsies? 232 00:12:18,070 --> 00:12:19,970 Yes, he will. Come on, Darnell. 233 00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:22,870 It's time for me to shine and rub my dead grammy's face in it. 234 00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:25,034 Hope she gets TV reception in hell. 235 00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:37,921 Got it. 236 00:12:39,024 --> 00:12:41,288 [Earl Narrating] He picked number 182- 237 00:12:41,393 --> 00:12:43,987 played tetherball with Randy's face. 238 00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,998 One. 239 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:50,364 [Earl Narrating] For his audition... 240 00:12:50,469 --> 00:12:53,768 lqball had decided to challenge Erik Estrada at fancy talking. 241 00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:58,606 Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. 242 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,611 A fellow of infinite jest... 243 00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:03,238 and most excellent fancy. 244 00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:05,510 [Bell Ringing] 245 00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:09,749 [Earl Narrating] And win or lose, there was plenty of variety. 246 00:13:09,855 --> 00:13:12,255 Knock, knock. 247 00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:14,849 - Hey, d- - [Buzzer] 248 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:18,362 [Earl Narrating] My favorite audition was the guy... 249 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,900 who played Ponch in some stage show called Micro Chips. 250 00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:26,363 - [Bell Ringing] - Yeah! 251 00:13:29,608 --> 00:13:33,135 Okay, last up is number 300... 252 00:13:33,245 --> 00:13:35,145 Joy Turner. 253 00:13:35,247 --> 00:13:37,875 Finally. Dunkleman out! 254 00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:42,180 Hack stole it from me. 255 00:13:46,992 --> 00:13:49,187 Hello. 256 00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:51,229 My name is Joy Turner... 257 00:13:51,330 --> 00:13:55,994 A.K.A. The Crustacean Sensation. 258 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:06,308 #You keep saying you've got something for me # 259 00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:09,472 I don't remember her being that flexible when we were married. 260 00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,176 I do. Sorry, buddy. 261 00:14:12,284 --> 00:14:15,185 #These claws are made for walking # 262 00:14:15,287 --> 00:14:18,154 #And that's just what they'll do # 263 00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:20,851 # One of these days these claws are gonna-## 264 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,155 [Buzzer] 265 00:14:23,262 --> 00:14:26,663 The hell? Which one of you sons ofbitches gave me the buzz? 266 00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:31,728 I'm pretty sure Erik wouldn't want to do something like that. 267 00:14:31,837 --> 00:14:34,271 It's, frankly, just too silly. 268 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:36,273 Too silly? 269 00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:39,367 Y'all took a guy that acted out an entire episode of The Smurfs by himself... 270 00:14:39,478 --> 00:14:41,503 and he didn't even sound like Gargamel. 271 00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:44,845 On this show you're dealing with an Erik Estrada... 272 00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,850 and Erik enjoys being funny. 273 00:14:46,952 --> 00:14:49,853 - He doesn't like being silly. - Well- 274 00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:52,685 You tell Erik Estrada that this is what happens... 275 00:14:52,791 --> 00:14:54,759 to men that say no toJoy Turner. 276 00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:56,725 [Groans] 277 00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:03,600 I was afraid of this. 278 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,301 Joy! 279 00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:13,471 Darnell Turner, you let me loose right now. 280 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,479 I'm gonna bite off your nose, Brian Dunkleman. 281 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,481 Then we'll see who looks silly. 282 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:20,108 [Earl Narrating] We all watched the show together at the Crab Shack... 283 00:15:20,219 --> 00:15:22,551 just like when there's a plane crash or chemical spill... 284 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:25,647 or when someone we know is involved in a slow-speed chase. 285 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,659 [Joy, Slurred Voice] I don't wanna watch this crap. 286 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,992 This show is everything that's wrong with America today. 287 00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:35,396 Change the channel. Celebrity Rehab is on. 288 00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,969 No, keep it on. I'm hoping they show my audition. 289 00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:43,098 I know I didn't split the apple, but a girl with nice boobies, swinging a machete? Come on. 290 00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:45,142 [Announcer] It's time to find out if you are- 291 00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:48,645 [All] Estrada or Nada. 292 00:15:48,747 --> 00:15:52,683 There are "nadas"who are good sports, and "nadas"who are bad. 293 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:55,948 And then there's Joy Turner. 294 00:15:56,055 --> 00:16:00,492 You tell Erik Estrada that this is what happens to men that say no toJoy Turner. 295 00:16:06,098 --> 00:16:08,430 Darnell Turner, you let me loose right now! 296 00:16:08,534 --> 00:16:12,163 I'm gonna bite off your nose, Brian Dunkleman. Then we'll see who looks silly. 297 00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:16,963 Hey, Estrada, come to Camden and face me like a man. 298 00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:19,408 Pimmit Hills Trailer Park, Lot "L"- 299 00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:21,479 The one with the bathtub in the front yard. 300 00:16:23,749 --> 00:16:26,411 The small bathtub, not the big one. 301 00:16:26,518 --> 00:16:29,180 [All Gasping] 302 00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:32,018 Y'all got a problem with that? Huh? 303 00:16:32,124 --> 00:16:34,524 'Cause I got another big-ass shoe. 304 00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:37,390 Anybody? Anybody? 305 00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:39,691 [Cell Phone Ringing] 306 00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:45,998 [Ringing Continues] 307 00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:48,005 I believe that's for me. 308 00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:51,167 - [Beeps] - [Gasps] 309 00:16:51,276 --> 00:16:53,244 I'm gonna need to step away to take this. 310 00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:57,577 - Go for Darnell. - Cool. Darnell's got a hair phone. 311 00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:01,141 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 312 00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:03,153 Roger that. Don't worry. I'll destroy it. 313 00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:05,155 [Beeps] 314 00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:11,661 Cool. Darnell blew up his hair phone. 315 00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:14,028 Darnell, what's going on? 316 00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,328 It ends up that while we may laugh at reality TV... 317 00:17:16,435 --> 00:17:19,165 for being the lowest form of entertainment, apparently the ratings are quite large. 318 00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:21,102 Twenty million people just saw my face. 319 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:22,764 My Witness Protection cover has been blown. 320 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,072 Well, I guess all this means I can't cross you off my list. 321 00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:30,410 Hell no, you can't. You just humiliated me in front of the whole country... 322 00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:33,007 and you put my husband in danger. 323 00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:37,680 Now you're gonna have to bold, underline and Italian-size me on that list. 324 00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:42,227 Actually, Joy, he put us all in danger. We have to relocate. 325 00:17:43,829 --> 00:17:46,559 I don't get it, Darnell. So one minute we're watching TV... 326 00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:49,031 and the next, you're telling me the F.B.I.'s snatching us away... 327 00:17:49,134 --> 00:17:51,568 because there's people that wanna come here and kill us? 328 00:17:51,670 --> 00:17:54,798 Technically, they only want to kill me. They'll kill whoever else is in the room. 329 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:58,206 - Wh-When you say, "Whoever else is in the room"- - Yeah, I mean you. 330 00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:00,403 - What about me? - You too. 331 00:18:00,512 --> 00:18:02,480 - Nice. - And if the F.B.I. Gets here first- 332 00:18:02,581 --> 00:18:04,242 You don't wanna be here for that either. 333 00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:06,715 Joy, we only have time to pack the essentials- 334 00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:09,617 clothes, medicine and my grandma's lemon square recipe. 335 00:18:09,721 --> 00:18:12,884 Is she even gonna be your grandma anymore? 336 00:18:12,991 --> 00:18:15,186 Truth be told, she wasn't my real grandmas to begin with. 337 00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:17,956 She testified against Halliburton. But I love her to death. 338 00:18:18,063 --> 00:18:21,396 Now as you all know from the flyers I've put up, the candlelight vigils... 339 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,900 and the billboard on Third Street, Mr. Turtle remains lost. 340 00:18:24,002 --> 00:18:26,334 The good news is, I gave him plenty of survival training... 341 00:18:26,438 --> 00:18:28,338 so I expect his imminent return. 342 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,840 So here's his food, his favorite scarf... 343 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,673 and his lip balm for the dry season. 344 00:18:37,349 --> 00:18:39,749 I'm really sorry, Joy. 345 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:41,752 I feel like this is kinda my fault... 346 00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,754 for getting you to go on that show. 347 00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,756 It's totally your fault. 348 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,622 - Sorry. You weren't talking to me. - He's right. 349 00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:52,322 My childhood dream of being famous was dead and buried, and you dug it up. 350 00:18:52,431 --> 00:18:56,128 You made me go on TV and turned my dream into a nightmare. 351 00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:58,135 You made me a laughingstock. 352 00:18:58,237 --> 00:19:00,671 Yeah, dummy. 353 00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:05,034 If she's not gonna beJoy anymore, I thought I'd try it. 354 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,044 It's not for me. 355 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,808 Joy, I promise, I'm gonna make this up to you. 356 00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:13,985 What are my boys doing wearing their bicycle helmets? 357 00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:17,021 Sometimes the pick-ups are a little rough. Tuck your arms in, fellas. 358 00:19:17,122 --> 00:19:19,716 - Joy, please hustle. - I'm not hurrying for the government. 359 00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:21,816 - I paid their salary the year I did my taxes. 360 00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:23,827 - Joy- - They may tell me I have to move... 361 00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:28,161 but I'm gonna call the rest of the shots- what I pack, when I pack, how I pack. 362 00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,599 - [Electricity Crackling] - [Groans] 363 00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:33,102 - [Thuds] - [Vehicle Departs] 364 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:37,240 [Voices Whispering] 365 00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:50,213 [Both Screaming] 366 00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:55,824 [Screaming Continues] 367 00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:01,898 - They're gone. - I can't believe it. 368 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:05,401 There's so many things I never got to say to them, like, uh- 369 00:20:07,406 --> 00:20:10,034 Well, maybe I got that covered, but still, I miss 'em. 370 00:20:10,142 --> 00:20:13,236 I can't just let someone take my ex-wife... 371 00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:17,145 the guy she cheated on me with and my two "igelitimate" kids. 372 00:20:17,249 --> 00:20:20,047 I promised Joy I'd make her dream come true. 373 00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,347 That's the last thing I said to her. 374 00:20:22,454 --> 00:20:24,513 We gotta find 'em. 375 00:20:24,623 --> 00:20:26,784 Wow. There's still a little liquid in mine. 376 00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,190 - I wonder what it tastes like. - Randy, no! 377 00:20:29,294 --> 00:20:31,194 [Groans] 30445

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