Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] One of the great things about the Crab Shack...

people come by when they got something exciting to share.

Great news! My stalker just got hit by a bus!

He's paralyzed from the waist down!

Congratulations.

Good news! Saw the new family.

I'm still the hottest mom in the trailer park.

Congratulations!

Good news! I'm not pregnant!

Congratulations! Congratulations!

Congratulations!

[Earl Narrating] Hearing about a pregnancy reminded me of something on my list-

got the babysitter pregnant.

When I was growing up, Fridays were square-dancing night.

The first week, I lit a bale of straw on fire so I'd get banned.

- [Door Closes] - I did it for two reasons-

first, because square dancing is lame...

and second, 'cause we had a hot new babysitter...

Rachel Magann.

Earl, what do you want for dinner?

- How about we just grab a bottle of wine and sit outside? - [Rachel Laughs]

I desperately wanted Rachel to like me, so I used my best moves on her.

Hey, Rachel. Forgot you were here.

Probably 'cause I was working out so hard in my bedroom.

[Rachel Laughs]

She was my first love, but I didn't know if she liked me back.

[Headset] # Sweet home Alabama #

Um... what are you listening to?

Oh, it's this band, Lynyrd Skynyrd! You have to hear this!

# Sweet home Alabama #

# Lord, I'm comin' home to you #

Now that our ears had touched, I knew it was time to make my move.

## [Continues]

[Exhales]

- Time for bed, Earl. - I brought Risky Business.

Oh, I love that movie.

And maybe afterwards, a little frisky business.

Ohh! [Chuckles]

[TV] #Just take those old records off the shelf#

[Earl Narrating] That son of a bitch ruined my chances, so I was gonna make him pay.

[Rachel Giggling]

#Today's music ain't got the same soul #

#I like that old-time rock and roll #

- Really pay. - [Rachel, Boy Giggling]

- # That kind of music just soothes the soul # - [Giggling Continues]

#I reminisce about the days of old #

#With that old-time rock and roll ##

[TV: Announcer] Caught him in the secondary-

[Earl Narrating] After that, Rachel changed.

[TV: Continues, Indistinct]

Well, look on the bright side. We already know you're a good babysitter.

You just saw somethin' that made you think of your list, didn't you?

Yep. It's "Got"-

No, no, no. Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Is it "Threw up in the pickled egg jar"?

Nope.

- Oh! "Threw up on the electric crab"? - Nope.

- I give up. - It's "Got the babysitter pregnant."

Mmm.

Darnell, uno margarita, "por favor."

Now that a Democrat's in office, we all better learn Spanish.

Didn't you say you were bringing Mr. Turtle?

I got the dishwasher to the perfect temperature for a steam bath.

Ohh. Mr. Turtle.

I forgot him back at the trailer.

[Earl Narrating] Joy wasn't exactly lying...

but she wasn't telling the whole truth either.

## [Toy Xylophone]

Damn it, Eugenia! Duncan chewed through his leash again.

Come here.

- [Door Closes] - [Engine Starts]

Your mama's gotta learn to pay attention.

[Squeaking]

[Earl Narrating] I tracked down Rachel and was surprised to find she was still with Daniel.

We are just as happy as two peanuts in a shell.

I used to think it was fate, but I guess we should thank you...

for saving us all those wasted years of searching for the right one.

In fact, you are responsible for this wonderful day.

And, uh, it gets better.

Well, I guess it looks like everything turned out okay.

But l-I still feel like I did something wrong.

Don't be silly. You brought a new life into this world.

- How could that ever be wrong? - [Door Opens]

Hey! Could you guys possibly make any more noise?

It's not like I'm trying to sleep or anything.

And I guess I have to make my own breakfast since I don't hear any bacon sizzling.

[Both Chuckling]

- That's our boy! - [Both Laughing]

Skim milk?

Really? Skim?

Unbelievable.

- Who wants to see more pictures? - Ah!

[Earl Narrating] While I sat with Rachel and Daniel...

Joy was trying to correct a past mistake ofher own.

- Where the hell is Earl? - How should I know? I'm his maid, not his secretary.

You foreigners have a weird way of bragging.

Do me a favor.

- Which one of these looks more like Mr. Turtle? - What did you do to Mr. Turtle?

I didn't do anything. He slid off the roof of the Brat.

Ironically, I had just Turtle Waxed it.

Don't you judge me. You don't know what kind of lies and deceptions...

one has to perpetrate to keep a marriage afloat.

What am I supposed to do, tell him the truth and break his heart?

Well, I don't want Crabman to be sad.

Just pick!

Well, Mr. Turtle always reminded me of Richard Dreyfuss.

This one looks like Richard Dreyfuss...

but this one acts more like Richard Dreyfuss.

I'd go with this one.

This album is from Ronnie's high school graduation.

We didn't know he wasn't graduating until they didn't call his name...

so that was a surprise.

You guys are gonna need to get a ride to work tomorrow. I need the car.

- What for, sugar lump? - Does everything have to be a debate with you, Rachel?

Just give me the stupid car!

[Door Slams]

If you don't mind me asking, what the hell's going on with Ronnie?

Ah, you know, kids and their phases. [Chuckling]

Hey! Where's my pee bottles?

Oh, sorry, honey. They're in the dishwasher.

We've been meaning to put a bathroom down there.

It is a lot of steps for him to take.

Kids! What are you gonna do? [Chuckling]

Kid? He's a grown man. Shouldn't he be out on his own?

We told him to look for an apartment. We gave him a month's rent.

But he blew it all one night taking a call girl to an Ultimate Fighting match.

- Cool. - Oh, and she was a doll!

We hoped they'd go out again, but...

[Sighs] Couldn't afford it.

I think this is why karma brought me here.

I'm responsible for Ronnie becoming your baby.

Maybe I should be responsible for Ronnie becoming a man.

But what if he's not ready to become a man?

You know, it's a dangerous world out there.

We're not seals, Earl.

We don't just throw our babies in the water to see if they live.

You're being too emotional about this.

In your head you know if you want Ronnie to grow up...

you need to throw him out on his ass...

but your heart won't let you do it.

This kid needs tough love. Let me do it for you.

[Ronnie] I think the cops might be coming.

The neighborjust saw me peeing out the window.

[Screaming] Help! Abuse! Abuse!

[Screaming Continues] Abuse!

Don't worry. My brother's good at teaching people stuff.

Mom!

He taught me that.

[Earl Narrating] I was determined to make Ronnie independent...

by doing the hard thing-staying tough and giving him the discipline he never got at home.

You are lucky I dropped out of karate, man!

I paid rent on this room for three days.

You got that long to get a job. After that, you're on your own.

- When do I get my allowance? - Fridays.

There's no allowance! Just find a job.

[TVTurns On]

Something's wrong with Mr. Turtle.

[Whispers] Oh, crap.

By now he's usually spun this thing a whole quarter turn.

Well, maybe you work him out too much.

I mean, he's already got a six-pack on his belly.

He must have tried to hump his heating rock again.

The rejection always depresses him.

[Mouthing Words]

You know, Randy...

I've always wondered how good I'd be raising a teenager.

I gotta say, I think I'd be pretty good at it.

- [Toilet Flushes] - I like this tough dad thing.

[Groaning] I don't know, Earl.

I'm a nervous wreck. No wonder Mom drank.

I'm gonna go check the bullet hole...

and see if my non-nonsense parenting has fixed Ronnie yet.

- [TV: Indians Whooping] - [Earl Narrating] Unfortunately, he wasn't fixed.

He was just lying there like a big slug.

You just lost your TV privileges.

I hate you!

[Earl Narrating] That's when I knew I was being a good parent, a tough parent.

But the next day, Ronnie still hadn't done anything.

Got two days left. Better get a job.

I hate you!

[Earl Narrating] But even with nothing in the room...

Ronnie still found a way to waste time.

Now you lost your zipper!

Tomorrow you're out! Hope you're ready!

- L- - I hate you more!

[Earl Narrating] Me and Joy were both trying to motivate someone...

but she took a more loving approach.

Come on, walk, stupid. What do you need, some incentive?

[Grunting]

There you go.

You want some more of that, you'd better get to walkin'.

[Earl Narrating] After three days of not trying to get a job...

I let the motel kick Ronnie out.

I was hoping a night in the parking lot had finally made him a man.

Son of a bitch!

Homeless Mom, these eggs are amazing.

Can I have some more?

I'll see if I can find another nest.

I can't believe you.

You're just mad lfigured out how to feed myself.

You didn't feed yourself. You just talked a homeless woman into cooking baby birds for you.

You're pathetic. For God's sakes, act like a man.

It's not my fault they kicked me out. You only paid for three days.

You're too old to be living in a motel room someone else is paying for.

- Earl- - Not now.

You got no job, no skills. All you do is mooch off other people.

- Earl- - I said not now, Randy!

You're 22 years old, man. Have some self-respect. It's just sad!

I'm 31, and all that stuff describes me!

Randy, just go wait in the motel room.

Who, me? The guy with no job, who has no skills? Go wait in the motel room you pay for?

This isn't about you. It's about this loser.

If you think he's a loser, then you must think I'm a loser too.

- He does. He does think you're a loser. - I didn't say that!

Do you think I could take care of myself?

[High-pitched Voice] Yeah. Yeah, sure. Of course.

Well, at least now I know the truth.

Wh-Where you going?

I'm going to prove to you that I can live on my own like a grown-up.

Cool!

- I'm gonna follow you around now and probably live off you. - Hmm.

Looks like I got myself a Randy.

Aren't you worried about Randy?

Randy? My brother? Nah.

He'll be back as soon as he gets hungry...

- or forgets he's running away. - [Car Approaches, Brakes Squeal]

Either way, I'm not gonna get emotional about it, 'cause that's what they want you to do.

You picked the wrong one, dummy!

No. Other dummy. You picked the stupid turtle, and Darnell's getting suspicious.

- Where's the one I gave you? - He's in the pool with all the other animals people dump.

I think there's a Shetland pony at the bottom.

I'm conflicted. I would love to ratJoy out to Crabman.

But I don't want him to worry about his poor little buddy out there on his own.

- I think he'll be okay. - I don't know. Anything can happen.

It's a dangerous world out there for a helpless guy like that.

It is a dangerous world out there.

Bad things happen all the time.

I mean, he's slow, he's vulnerable.

He sure is. He doesn't even look before he crosses the street.

If you touch him and you don't wash your hands, you could get salmonella.

And he eats anything people give him.

- When he falls on his back he can almost never get up. - I know.

I gotta roll him over all the time. Randy!

- I screwed up. - ## [Rock]

Our boys might be dead.

#With that old-time rock and roll ##

I can't believe this. You made me have a little boy, and now you made me lose him!

I know, I know! I lost mine too!

- This tough love isn't so easy, is it? - It's horrible!

How can you not be emotional about somebody you love?

- He's out there in 67-degree weather! - Did you pack light sweaters?

- No! - Oh, God!

- Ronnie! - Ronnie, it's Mommy!

Randy, I got Rainbow Sugar Bits!

Oh, thank God.

"SARS."

Must have been a Norwegian guy.

[Sniffles] All right. We should keep looking.

The only thing down there is a Shetland pony.

- [Engine Off] - [Stereo] # Amazing Grace #

#How sweet the sound #

Oh, that's my jam!

#That saved a wretch #

- ## [Humming Along] - # Like me #

- ## [Continues] - Oh! Hey, baby. What's going on?

Mr. Turtle died this morning.

He went quietly. [Stifled Sobbing]

- # Was blind, but now # - [Squeaks]

- [Thud] - # I see #

I am so sorry.

Can't believe this is happening.

Typically, his species lives to be 150.

I guess his love of butter lettuce finally caught up to him.

Too soon.

That's not Mr. Turtle.

## [Continues]

I lost the real Mr. Turtle.

I was bringing him to the Crab Shack...

and I accidentally drove off with him on the roof of the car.

Who's this son of a bitch then?

Found him in the pond, trapped in a six-pack ring.

You could have gotten away with this.

I would have buried this bastard and never been the wiser.

But you told the truth.

You looked so sad.

Couldn't put you through that just to protect myself.

## [Continues]

That means Mr. Turtle's out there somewhere.

If any reptile can make it home, it's him.

[Earl Narrating] While Darnell was gaining hope...

after searching all night in every place we could think of, we gave up.

Don't worry. We'll find him.

Everyone knows the cops say "probably dead" all the time.

[Horn Beeps]

[Rachel Gasps] Ronnie! You're alive!

Randy!

Yeah, that's my brother. No, I gotta go.

[Chuckling] Okay. Okay, yeah. Send me the link.

Ye-

Oka- [Chuckles]

Okay, buddy. Yeah. I gotta jump. Okay.

- [Beeps] - Earl, you're not gonna believe what happened.

[Earl Narrating] After Randy and Ronnie left, they started walkin'.

And since Randy now had a Randy ofhis own, he started feeling more responsible.

I'm gonna start growing a mustache.

You watch out for aliens and birds. That's what the number two does.

Most people don't understand how important that is.

Sweet. A wallet. There's probably money in it.

- Let's try crack. - No!

It doesn't belong to us.

Excuse me, sir. Think you dropped your wallet.

[Earl Narrating] The man was so shocked by Randy's honesty...

that he let the boys pick anything they wanted from the thrift store.

Oh, check it out. My suit had a note in it.

"Don't forget to buy milk."

Ronnie, don't let me forget to buy milk.

So what do we do now?

- [Phone Ringing] - [Chattering]

Let's follow those guys.

[Earl Narrating] It turns out, when they started looking like grown-ups...

people started treating them like grown-ups.

Hello, gentlemen.

Welcome to the American Flange, Stoppers and Fastener Manufacturers...

Trade Association annual convention...

where all your dreams can come true...

as long as they're flange, stopper or fastener related.

And as you can see, domestic flange production...

has declined sharply over the past two quarters.

Looking forward- Uh, where are you gentlemen going?

Uh-

This is boring.

I don't even know why we're here.

Oh, for God's sake, he's right.

- [Men Murmuring] - Why are we dancing around the obvious?

[Stammers] The American flange used to be the envy of the world.

F.D.R. Once said...

the pipes of freedom are held together...

by the American flange.

Well, those pipes are leaking, damn it.

These boys are right.

It is high time we did something about it!

- Yeah! - Yeah!

[Earl Narrating] By the end of the day...

- Randy and Ronnie were the hit of the convention. - [Tapping On Microphone]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen...

for the close of what has been the most exciting flange convention in years...

we're giving away a golf cart...

to the winner of our annual dance contest.

[Man, Distorted Voice] Right about now, you're about to be possessed by the sounds-

Oh, no, they didn't!

Follow my lead.

- We got this. - [Man] # Hit it #

- ## [Funk] - # Yeah Whoo #

#Yeah Whoo #

- [Woman] # It takes two to make a thing go right ## - [Cheering, Applause]

I was worried sick!

Why? I just did the things I learned by watching you.

Whenever you have something important to do, you put on a suit.

And I was honest when I found that wallet, just like you would have been.

Plus, I took care of my Randy.

[Earl Narrating] That's when I realized all you can do is teach 'em the best you can...

and trust they'll find their way.

It was amazing!

There was free food and drinks and people were having fun at work.

Oh, and someone called me "sir" and it wasn't followed by "You have to leave."

[Earl Narrating] And after feeling that kind of respect...

Ronnie decided to go back to school and even move out ofhis parents'house...

even if it was just to the garage.

Everyone's motivation for getting their life together is different.

For some people, it takes tough love.

For Ronnie, it took hope for the future.

- You didn't think I could take care of myself. - I was wrong.

Being a grown-up's easy, but it's just not my thing.

Boss man breathing down your neck 24/7.

You're only as good as your last idea, Earl.

I hear that.

Well, in case anything ever happens to you...

and I need to take care of myself...

I'm gonna take extra-special care of this suit.

- Night, Randy. - Night, Earl.

#A slow turnin'#

#A slow turnin'#

#A slow turnin'#

#Just a slow turnin'##

[Siren, Distant]

Relax. No turtles were harmed shooting this episode.

So please, no letters, crackpots!