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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:04,730 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,274 - Mama! - [People Chattering] 3 00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:14,103 Come on, Son. Come on! You're gonna enjoy it. 4 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,181 - Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crabman. 5 00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:21,185 Think there's something wrong with these books. 6 00:00:21,287 --> 00:00:25,189 Oh, the Camden Library couldn't afford actual classics, so they bought knockoffs. 7 00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:28,055 That explains The Adventures of Chuckleberry Flynn. 8 00:00:28,161 --> 00:00:30,652 I'm gonna read Trazan the Ape-Man. 9 00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:32,857 He's got a pet cheetah named Monkey. 10 00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:36,061 All right. Let's get started. 11 00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:37,796 [All Chattering] 12 00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:39,633 Trazan the Ape-Man. 13 00:00:39,739 --> 00:00:43,937 "You may be shocked as I describe this strange and unusual tale... 14 00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,945 "but I assure you that every word is true. 15 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,948 [Earl Narrating] And you may be shocked I'm reading to kids. 16 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:53,247 Well, like all good adventures, it starts at the beginning. 17 00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:56,220 Back before my list, me and Randy got sentenced to community service... 18 00:00:56,322 --> 00:00:58,222 in the Humiliate to Rehabilitate Program. 19 00:00:58,324 --> 00:01:00,884 Hi, Dad! 20 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:07,598 How big's a body part gotta be before we're supposed to report it? 21 00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:10,931 - Fist or larger. - Never mind then. 22 00:01:11,037 --> 00:01:14,302 [Earl Narrating] It was crappy work, but one guy made it kinda fun. 23 00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:18,036 ## [Singing Olympic Theme] 24 00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:23,609 That guy's doin' the theme song from that show that comes on every couple years... 25 00:01:23,716 --> 00:01:25,843 about the different colored people with super powers... 26 00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:28,318 like swimming faster, throwing sticks real far. 27 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:31,322 Oh, yeah. I saw an episode of that once. 28 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,552 [Scottish Accent] Come on, fellas. They're only gonna burn it later on! 29 00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:37,494 Why should those bastards at the dump have all the fun, eh? 30 00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:40,964 Yeah, those guys at the dump do have all the fun. Gimme that lighter. 31 00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,467 [Chuckles] Whoo! 32 00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:45,834 This is a huge misunderstanding. 33 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,839 [Earl Narrating] Raynard was so cool... 34 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:51,377 he let us crash with him when our dad threw us out for the eighth time. 35 00:01:51,478 --> 00:01:53,446 Come on in! 36 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,848 Earl, there's a bathtub in the living room. 37 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,820 And he's got outside plants growing on the inside. 38 00:02:02,922 --> 00:02:05,550 I didn't grow them on the inside. 39 00:02:05,658 --> 00:02:08,456 I just opened up the window and gave the plants a choice. 40 00:02:08,561 --> 00:02:13,555 Did you open the bathroom door and give the tub a choice, or are you just crazy? 41 00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:18,000 I'll tell you what is crazy is lettin' somebody tell you where you can put your tub. 42 00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:21,801 Believe me, the news isn't so depressing when you're surrounded by bubbles. 43 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:24,103 Hmm. 44 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:26,337 I think your globe is upside-down. 45 00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:29,210 - Is not. - No, I'm pretty sure it is. 46 00:02:29,315 --> 00:02:31,715 Geography was the only class I went to in high school. 47 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,719 The teacher was hot and had a touch of the palsy. 48 00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:37,153 She was always dropping stuff... 49 00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:41,183 bendin' over to pick it up... 50 00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:43,228 droppin' it again. 51 00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:45,456 Mmm. 52 00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:48,432 Anyway, the North Pole should be on top. 53 00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:51,993 [Scoffs] There is no up or down in space, man! 54 00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:54,005 Look at my hand. 55 00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:57,008 It's a spaceship, and it's comin' at the Earth like this. Okay? 56 00:02:57,110 --> 00:03:00,136 [Imitates Rocket Engine] And, okay, this is the top. 57 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:02,578 But if you come at it like this- 58 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:05,150 [Imitates Rocket Engine] 59 00:03:05,251 --> 00:03:08,220 The top becomes the bottom. 60 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,023 Wow. Makes you think. 61 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,356 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 62 00:03:15,461 --> 00:03:18,191 A globe is the Earth? 63 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,765 # Oh, Susannah # 64 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,063 # Don't you cry for me # 65 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:26,365 # I come from Alabama # 66 00:03:26,472 --> 00:03:30,533 #With my banjo on my knee ## 67 00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:32,543 [Earl Narrating] As fun as Raynard was... 68 00:03:32,645 --> 00:03:35,614 he was a little nervous around the ladies. 69 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:39,245 Hey, nice, um- 70 00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:41,547 [Stammering] 71 00:03:44,757 --> 00:03:46,782 [Earl] Let me handle this. 72 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:49,987 We're in a band. We're opening for U2. 73 00:03:50,096 --> 00:03:53,827 - U2? - Yeah, me too. All of us. 74 00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:58,836 That's right. So who wants to party with guys that are gonna be sharing a shower with Bono? 75 00:03:58,938 --> 00:04:01,065 Sweet! 76 00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:03,972 Do you guys have a tour bus? 'Cause we don't party with garage bands no more. 77 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,511 Uh, no. But... we take the bus. 78 00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:10,174 Raynard. He's kiddin'. Yeah, we got one. A big, shiny one. 79 00:04:10,283 --> 00:04:12,183 It's, like, a hundred feet long. 80 00:04:12,285 --> 00:04:14,185 Okay, everybody stop talkin'. 81 00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:17,090 Meet me outside in 10 minutes. 82 00:04:17,323 --> 00:04:21,282 [Earl Narrating] I went out and stole the first bus-like thing I could find. 83 00:04:21,394 --> 00:04:23,294 - [Randy] Whoa! - [Woman] Whoo! 84 00:04:23,396 --> 00:04:25,694 We wanted to party where we wouldn't be disturbed... 85 00:04:25,798 --> 00:04:27,993 so we drove out to the old abandoned Camden Scout camp. 86 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:31,093 Next morning we got the girls to leave by telling them we had to rehearse... 87 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:33,104 and that we'd call 'em later. 88 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,299 Neither one of those things were true. 89 00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:38,866 And we didn't want to get caught driving a stolen bookmobile, so we walked too. 90 00:04:38,978 --> 00:04:41,947 My girl bit me. Is that hot or scary? 91 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:49,648 And that's where our tour bus stayed until me and Randy went out to do number 219- 92 00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:52,224 stole a bookmobile. 93 00:04:53,526 --> 00:04:56,359 But I don't understand why I can't have one. 94 00:04:56,462 --> 00:05:00,057 I promise I'll feed it and walk it, and if it's bad, I'll hit it with a shovel. 95 00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:02,361 I'm not sure you're ready for a puppy, Randy. 96 00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:04,368 Let's see if she'll start. 97 00:05:04,470 --> 00:05:07,064 - [Growling] - Aah! What the hell? 98 00:05:07,173 --> 00:05:09,733 - [Growling Continues] - Raynard? 99 00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:15,308 [Screams] 100 00:05:15,415 --> 00:05:19,010 [Earl Reading] "No one who saw him could say for certain ifhe was an ape or a man. 101 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:21,882 "Perhaps he was neither one of those things. 102 00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:25,424 Perhaps he was both." 103 00:05:30,196 --> 00:05:33,097 "Even though we were paralyzed with fear... 104 00:05:33,199 --> 00:05:36,600 "we couldn't help but gaze with wonder at this most odd creature... 105 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:39,797 that looked so much like a man but acted so much like a beast. " 106 00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:42,431 - Raynard? - [Growling] 107 00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:49,038 - What are we gonna do? - Well, Raynard always told us to think for ourselves. 108 00:05:49,148 --> 00:05:52,049 I think we should set this thing on fire and run. 109 00:05:52,151 --> 00:05:55,643 We can't leave him, Randy. I got a feeling this might be all my fault. 110 00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,916 - [Earl Narrating] Turns out it was all my fault. - [Knocking] 111 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,788 The last time I saw Raynard was right after me and Joy got married. 112 00:06:00,893 --> 00:06:03,088 - Earl! Buddy! - Shh! Shh! Shh! 113 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,596 [Whispering] Great to see you, Raynard. 114 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:08,724 But we gotta keep it down. L-I got a wife now. 115 00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:11,804 Pregnant. Hormones. 116 00:06:11,904 --> 00:06:14,634 Little touchy. Super hearing. 117 00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:16,868 What's with all this chitter-chatter? 118 00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:19,240 Hey, sugar. It's my friend Raynard. 119 00:06:19,345 --> 00:06:21,313 Who cares? I'm back there workin' my ass off... 120 00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:23,814 trying to grow this baby, and you're out here havin' a party? 121 00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:26,407 I need peace and quiet! 122 00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:29,852 [Sobbing] I mean, what if I'm growing somethin' really important on the baby today... 123 00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:32,789 like his brain or his wiener? 124 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,417 Do you even care? 125 00:06:35,528 --> 00:06:37,928 I need a glass of Chablis! 126 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,800 - She seems nice. - [Refrigerator Door Opens] 127 00:06:44,904 --> 00:06:48,738 So, Earl, buddy, I was wondering if I could crash with you guys for a while. 128 00:06:48,841 --> 00:06:51,537 I got evicted. [Chuckles] 129 00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:55,612 - Cheers! - Stop talkin' funny! 130 00:06:55,715 --> 00:06:57,615 You can see what I'm up against here. 131 00:06:57,717 --> 00:06:59,776 [Whispering] Joy's not gonna like it if I let you stay. 132 00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:03,982 But... I've tried everywhere. I've got nowhere else to go. 133 00:07:17,703 --> 00:07:19,603 Earl, my water broke! 134 00:07:19,705 --> 00:07:23,471 Oh. Never mind. Never mind. I just peed the bed. 135 00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:25,544 Come clean it up. 136 00:07:25,645 --> 00:07:29,046 [Earl Narrating] After that night, Raynard wandered broke and homeless for days... 137 00:07:29,148 --> 00:07:33,608 until he stumbled across what was left of Camden's library outreach program. 138 00:07:33,719 --> 00:07:36,244 And that reminded him of the bookmobile. 139 00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,626 I gotta put him on the list, Randy. 140 00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:45,629 When we were in trouble, he let us crash at his place... 141 00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:48,632 but when he needed somewhere to stay, I didn't help him. 142 00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:51,635 But that's Joy's fault. She was so mean when she was pregnant. 143 00:07:51,737 --> 00:07:53,637 And when she wasn't. 144 00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:56,708 We coulda tried harder. We should've been there for him. 145 00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:01,311 - [Growling] - R-R-Raynard, don't be scared. 146 00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:04,349 It's- It's- It's Earl and Randy Hickey. Do you remember us? 147 00:08:04,450 --> 00:08:07,715 We stole this bookmobile with you. 148 00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:11,983 - We're your friends. - [Low Growling] 149 00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:18,720 [Sniffing] 150 00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,994 You're... friend! 151 00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:25,002 - Friend! - What's the matter, buddy? 152 00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:27,937 You been living in the woods so long you forgot how to speak? 153 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:29,940 L- [Exhales, Stammers] 154 00:08:30,042 --> 00:08:33,637 No one... speak... to... me. 155 00:08:33,746 --> 00:08:38,945 Cool. He figured out a way to talk out here using less words. 156 00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:40,951 What a time-saver. 157 00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:43,078 Me like you talk. 158 00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:45,714 Me like you talk too! 159 00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:48,191 [Inhales] Smell Raynard? 160 00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:49,761 No, thanks. Just like talk part. 161 00:08:49,862 --> 00:08:52,729 - [Sniffs] - [Earl] So, what are you doing out here? 162 00:08:52,832 --> 00:08:54,356 Y-You okay? 163 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:56,594 [Exhales] Yeah. Happy. 164 00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:59,227 It's, uh, paradise. 165 00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:01,238 Yeah, it's- it's beautiful. 166 00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:03,774 But where do you find food and stuff? 167 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:05,503 Food? 168 00:09:05,611 --> 00:09:07,806 Food. You hungry! 169 00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:10,474 I be back! 170 00:09:10,583 --> 00:09:12,778 Weird. 171 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:14,876 I think he's gone crazy. 172 00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:17,387 I don't know, Earl. He seems happy. 173 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,481 Plus he's got a pretty sweet set-up. 174 00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:22,117 Maybe we're the crazy ones for not living like this. 175 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,959 Friend, this is my hot wife, Charlene! 176 00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,327 [Chittering] 177 00:09:27,433 --> 00:09:29,993 - Nope. He's the crazy one. - Yeah. 178 00:09:30,102 --> 00:09:32,093 Food. Mmm! 179 00:09:32,204 --> 00:09:35,264 Hot wife. Perfect life. 180 00:09:35,374 --> 00:09:37,638 [Earl Narrating] And then I realized why he was crazy. 181 00:09:37,743 --> 00:09:39,643 Me and Randy had seen those berries before. 182 00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:43,306 Back when I was married toJoy and the bill collectors got to be too much... 183 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,316 sometimes we'd go campin'. 184 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:48,910 Y'all be honest. Is the bottom half of me a horse right now? 185 00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:52,081 Joy, what's wrong with you? 186 00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:54,921 [Distorted Voice] Joy, say somethin'. You're weirdin' me out. 187 00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:56,961 - # Rainy day mushroom pillow # - [Distorted Voice] Hello. Anybody home? 188 00:09:57,063 --> 00:10:00,032 #Colors green, brown and yellow # 189 00:10:00,132 --> 00:10:03,624 #Poisoned dreams Distorted dreams # 190 00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:05,829 Freak head! 191 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,429 - # Mushroom dreams # - Baby, no! 192 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:10,270 - [Groans] - [Body Thuds] 193 00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:15,473 How about we skip the berries a-and go in my car and-and get a pizza? 194 00:10:15,581 --> 00:10:19,642 - Huh? - Earl, you're usin' too many words. 195 00:10:19,752 --> 00:10:22,721 [Distorted Voice] Pizza. Come on. We go. 196 00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:25,723 Rubber face! [Screaming] 197 00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:28,726 [Earl] Poor guy. 198 00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:31,558 Living out here eating crazy berries... 199 00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:34,565 and doing God knows what with a raccoon. 200 00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:36,567 We gotta bring him back to civilization. 201 00:10:36,669 --> 00:10:39,900 Hey, Earl, when we catch Raynard, can I keep him for a pet? 202 00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:42,668 What? No! He's a person! 203 00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:45,505 Here, Raynard. Here, boy. 204 00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:49,638 Come with us and see what you've missed. 205 00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:53,651 Remember how you used to like puttin' a lime in your beer? 206 00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:56,654 Well, now they make beer with the lime already in it. 207 00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:58,656 Crazy, huh? 208 00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:03,161 And everybody's got a phone in their pocket and a dog in their purse. 209 00:11:03,262 --> 00:11:05,162 And cars fly, and everybody's rich. 210 00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:07,164 - Don't oversell it. - Well- 211 00:11:07,266 --> 00:11:09,757 - Aah! - [Snarling] 212 00:11:09,869 --> 00:11:15,000 Raynard, just try to fight through the crazy berries and listen. 213 00:11:15,107 --> 00:11:19,840 - It's Earl. I'm your friend, and I wanna help you! - [Screaming, Shouting] 214 00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:23,904 All right, you know what? You're not the only one that can climb a tree. 215 00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:26,951 - I'm coming up there after you. - [Screaming Continues] 216 00:11:30,056 --> 00:11:32,581 - [Branch Cracking] - Randy! 217 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,217 [Shrieks] 218 00:11:35,327 --> 00:11:37,352 [Snarling, Growling] 219 00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:42,462 [Earl Reading] "We watched in awe as he ran away... 220 00:11:42,568 --> 00:11:45,696 "as sure-footed as a mountain goat, as fast as a jackrabbit. 221 00:11:45,805 --> 00:11:49,673 "And we knew we wouldn't be able to catch him with our strength. 222 00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:52,039 We would have to use our brains." 223 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,240 "The ape-man used his primitive skills to escape... 224 00:11:58,350 --> 00:12:00,250 "but we knew we were smarter. 225 00:12:00,352 --> 00:12:03,879 So we decided to set a trap, and that required bait. " 226 00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:05,889 Don't mention this to my boss. 227 00:12:05,991 --> 00:12:09,427 There's a strict policy at the club against letting people lure you into the woods. 228 00:12:11,497 --> 00:12:13,897 #Jump, jump, jump, jump # 229 00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:17,298 #Jump, jump, jump Jump, jump # 230 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:19,803 ## [Continues] 231 00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,497 #Jump around # 232 00:12:22,942 --> 00:12:25,968 #Jump around Jump around # 233 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,341 #Jump up Jump up and get down # 234 00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:32,281 - # Jump, jumpJump, jump, jump # - [Sniffing] 235 00:12:32,384 --> 00:12:34,852 [Screams] What kind of freaky crap is that? 236 00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:36,615 [Catalina Continues Screaming] 237 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:42,519 [Chittering] 238 00:12:42,628 --> 00:12:45,654 I guess there was more to that relationship than I thought. 239 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:49,826 "In an effort to civilize this beast-man, we brought him back to the city. 240 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:54,235 "To see such a monster paraded through town made people stare. 241 00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:58,037 "Most were disgusted, but some were overcome with curiosity. 242 00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:01,910 We knew for the creature's own good, we had to tame it quickly. " 243 00:13:02,014 --> 00:13:03,845 [Screaming] 244 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:07,544 The hell is that idiot doing with a wild man tied up in the back of his car? 245 00:13:07,653 --> 00:13:11,783 That Earl and his list. He gets himself in so many predicaments. 246 00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:14,792 [Earl Narrating] We were in a hurry to get Raynard back to normal. 247 00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:17,294 Luckily, Catalina knew about something called a colonic... 248 00:13:17,396 --> 00:13:19,796 that gets all the bad stuff out of your body. 249 00:13:19,899 --> 00:13:21,799 Oh, man. Bad news, Raynard. 250 00:13:21,901 --> 00:13:24,131 The hose goes in the other end. 251 00:13:24,236 --> 00:13:26,636 [Grunting] 252 00:13:26,739 --> 00:13:31,199 Don't worry. I got a G.I. Joe stuck up there on accident once. 253 00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:35,610 This hose is a lot smaller, and there's no gun to get caught on anything. 254 00:13:35,714 --> 00:13:37,841 [Screaming] 255 00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:41,647 [Earl Narrating] While I hope to never have to give another dude a forced colonic... 256 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,188 it was good to see Raynard back in his right mind again. 257 00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:46,190 Married? To a raccoon? 258 00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:50,285 Those must be some powerful berries! 259 00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:52,364 It was a girl raccoon, right? 260 00:13:53,465 --> 00:13:57,333 - Yeah. - [Exhales] 261 00:13:57,436 --> 00:14:00,837 [Earl Narrating] The next step to gettin'Raynard back on his feet was getting him cleaned up. 262 00:14:00,940 --> 00:14:03,841 Now is that one a tick or a mole? 263 00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:10,013 - [Sizzling] - Aaah! Whoa! 264 00:14:10,115 --> 00:14:12,015 Mole. 265 00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:15,883 And after we got him cleaned up, it was time to find him a job. 266 00:14:15,988 --> 00:14:18,889 So I got him a deliveryjob at Camden Foreign Foods. 267 00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:20,891 I figured he couldn't mess it up... 268 00:14:20,993 --> 00:14:23,894 'cause all he had to do was hand people food and take their money. 269 00:14:23,996 --> 00:14:27,693 You don't give them the food if they don't give you the money! 270 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,701 Yeah, but she gave me something better than money. 271 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:34,671 We give her half a chicken, she gives us a whole chicken. 272 00:14:34,773 --> 00:14:38,231 - That's two for one where I come from, buttercup. - You are fired! 273 00:14:38,344 --> 00:14:41,677 [Earl Narrating] After Senor Lo Mein didn't work out, I got Raynard a job... 274 00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:44,647 somewhere that standards were so low I didn't think he'd get in trouble. 275 00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:46,775 You put the little soap on the pillows? 276 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,912 Yeah. It forces you to get out of the shower, walk in here naked... 277 00:14:50,022 --> 00:14:52,456 feel the delightful sting of the air conditioning on your privates! 278 00:14:52,558 --> 00:14:56,050 Really pulls the drawstring tight on your coin purse, huh? 279 00:14:56,161 --> 00:14:59,858 [Whining] It's always candy on the pillow! 280 00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:02,661 - # Don't bring me down # - [Earl Narrating] Finally I found Raynard a job... 281 00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:05,931 where it didn't matter how you did it as long as thejob got done. 282 00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:08,939 The hell are you doin'? That's the rat hole I was talkin' about. 283 00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:10,838 You gotta spray the poison in there. 284 00:15:10,943 --> 00:15:14,208 I'm not gonna spray it in the hole. I'll spray it around the hole. 285 00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:17,407 If the rat comes out of the hole and he steps into the poison... 286 00:15:17,516 --> 00:15:20,144 he steps in the poison of his own free will. 287 00:15:20,252 --> 00:15:22,743 I don't give a rat's ass about that rat's ass and his free will. 288 00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:26,416 - You won't do it, I'll do it myself. - That's not your choice to make! 289 00:15:26,525 --> 00:15:28,789 - It's the rat's choice! - Give it! 290 00:15:28,894 --> 00:15:32,091 How would you like it if someone sprayed you inside your house? 291 00:15:32,197 --> 00:15:34,757 Aaah! Aaah! 292 00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:37,335 Darnell, call the police! 293 00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,836 Exterminator sprayed me in the face with rat poison again! 294 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:42,134 #I'll tell you once more before I get off the floor# 295 00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:44,209 [Earl Narrating] I'd had enough of Raynard's free thinkin'. 296 00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:47,143 - # Don't bring me down ## - I decided to post his bail and call it even... 297 00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:50,545 until I found out they hadn't taken Raynard tojail. 298 00:15:52,418 --> 00:15:57,185 [Sighs] Well, my official diagnosis is A.P.D. 299 00:15:57,289 --> 00:16:00,486 That's antisocial personality disorder... 300 00:16:00,592 --> 00:16:02,685 and a pretty advanced case of that. 301 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,695 Oh, here. See for yourself. 302 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,061 - Earl. Earl! - Randy, enough. 303 00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:10,329 Santa Claus would not be working in a mental institution. 304 00:16:10,436 --> 00:16:15,373 Why are you so afraid of me, man? 'Cause I'm different? Because I sound funny? 305 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,443 [Imitating American Accent] I can talk just like everybody else here if I wanted to. 306 00:16:18,544 --> 00:16:21,377 Would you be more comfortable if we talked about hot dogs and apple pie? 307 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,914 Or we could tailgate and drink some light beer! 308 00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:28,043 [Normal Voice] Or are youse afraid of me because I don't blindly follow your rules... 309 00:16:28,153 --> 00:16:30,053 because I'm not a sheep like you? 310 00:16:30,155 --> 00:16:32,919 Huh? [Bleating] 311 00:16:33,025 --> 00:16:35,892 Ho ho ho ho ho! That was a good one. 312 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,895 [Chuckles] 313 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,898 Luckily society has a place for people like your friend. 314 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,230 - Do they make toys there? - [Whispers] Randy. 315 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,895 Don't worry. He'll be well taken care of. 316 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:49,099 After a couple of days on the meds, he won't even need the straps. 317 00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:51,233 - Can I talk to him? - Of course. 318 00:16:51,343 --> 00:16:54,403 I'll have my assistant take you in. 319 00:16:54,513 --> 00:16:56,037 Karen! 320 00:16:58,050 --> 00:17:00,075 - [Gasps] - Would you like to follow me? 321 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:03,518 Okay, Randy, that's weird. I admit it. 322 00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:07,058 [Earl Narrating] It was sad seeing Raynard all drugged up... 323 00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:09,252 but after trying to help him fit in... 324 00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:13,627 I had to agree that hejust didn't belong in the normal world. 325 00:17:15,634 --> 00:17:18,467 I like candy. Do you have candy? 326 00:17:18,570 --> 00:17:20,765 - No. Do you? - No! Do you? 327 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,307 - No. Do you? - No! Do you? 328 00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:24,637 No. 329 00:17:24,743 --> 00:17:26,210 Do you? 330 00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:30,047 Hey there, Raynard. 331 00:17:30,149 --> 00:17:32,049 How you feelin'? 332 00:17:32,151 --> 00:17:34,585 Put out your hand. 333 00:17:41,193 --> 00:17:43,093 You didn't think I was gonna let these dillweeds... 334 00:17:43,195 --> 00:17:46,096 take me for a ride on their monkey train, did ya? 335 00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:49,065 How 'bout you untie me and let's get out of here? 336 00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:52,069 I don't think that's the best idea. 337 00:17:52,171 --> 00:17:56,335 The best idea would have been for you to leave me in the woods where I was happy, man. 338 00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:59,343 I've tried living in your world. Look where it got me. 339 00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:02,278 I don't know if you were really better off out there. 340 00:18:02,381 --> 00:18:05,179 You were hallucinating on crazy berries. 341 00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:08,185 Look, I'm not gonna eat any more of those damn berries. 342 00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:13,156 Please. The next time I see a raccoon, we're just gonna be friends. 343 00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:17,027 Come on, Earl. I'm dying here. 344 00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:19,689 [Earl Narrating] Raynard was right. 345 00:18:19,798 --> 00:18:24,462 He didn't belong locked up and pumped full of drugs. He belonged in the wild. 346 00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:27,164 I just had to figure out how to get him back there. 347 00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:30,935 [Patients Muttering] 348 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:34,945 Yo, buddy, will you help me do a magic trick to entertain the folks? 349 00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,947 Sure. 350 00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:39,279 Hey, everybody! Check this out! 351 00:18:42,354 --> 00:18:44,584 Whoa! 352 00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:50,053 - Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, man! - [Patients Murmuring] 353 00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:52,392 This guy is full of candy... 354 00:18:52,498 --> 00:18:55,399 like a giant pinata. 355 00:18:55,501 --> 00:18:57,799 - Candy! Candy! - [All Shouting] 356 00:18:57,903 --> 00:19:00,235 - [Alarm Blaring] - Candy! Candy! 357 00:19:00,339 --> 00:19:02,364 [Shouting Continues] 358 00:19:04,676 --> 00:19:07,406 Candy! You're supposed to share a piece! 359 00:19:18,423 --> 00:19:22,154 Sorry I gotta take the bookmobile back. 360 00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:26,027 - Are you sure you're all right with the tent? - Yeah, man. Take it back. 361 00:19:26,131 --> 00:19:28,031 That thing's way too restrictive. 362 00:19:28,133 --> 00:19:31,398 Besides, I already read or ate most of the books. 363 00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:35,006 You hear that? 364 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,597 Hear what? 365 00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:39,336 Exactly. That's the sound of freedom. 366 00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:41,344 [Chittering] 367 00:19:41,446 --> 00:19:43,914 That chirpin' is the sound of Charlene in heat. 368 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,211 That's gonna be a tough conversation. 369 00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:49,412 I could hit her with the bookmobile on my way out. 370 00:19:49,521 --> 00:19:52,115 I don't wanna know. 371 00:19:52,224 --> 00:19:56,126 Thanks for everything, Earl. Thanks for bringin' me home. 372 00:19:59,331 --> 00:20:02,994 [Earl Reading] "At last he was returned to where he belonged. 373 00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:06,036 "What we had once feared we came to admire. 374 00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:09,699 "He had the courage to think freely, to live freely... 375 00:20:09,808 --> 00:20:11,776 "to truly live. 376 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:15,745 He was Trazan, king of the jungle." 377 00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:17,815 The end. 378 00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:23,246 [Earl Narrating] I was glad to bring the bookmobile back. 379 00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:27,257 All those books were gonna help the kids see the world in a whole new way... 380 00:20:27,359 --> 00:20:28,792 kinda like Raynard did for me. 381 00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,555 Where did Trazan live? 382 00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:34,598 Well, the story takes place in Africa... 383 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:36,600 which is down here. 384 00:20:36,702 --> 00:20:39,830 Or another way to look at it... 385 00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:45,040 is that it's up here. 386 00:20:45,143 --> 00:20:47,111 Makes you think, doesn't it? 387 00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:49,112 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 388 00:20:49,214 --> 00:20:51,614 A map is also the Earth? 31685

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