Original subtitles

My name is Earl.

I can't decide which list item to do today-

pushed Slow Roger down a hill in the porta-potty...

or got the babysitter pregnant.

- Hey. - Here's an idea. Here's a crazy idea.

How about for once we do what I wanna do?

And I might not know what that is right now, but I know what it's not-

doing another item on your stupid list!

[Earl Narrating] Maybe it was my imagination...

but Randy seemed kind of stressed out this morning, and he wasn't the only one.

How the hell you gonna sit with a straight face and tell me that MacGyver...

wouldn't be the most awesome president of the United States of America ever?

He's a fictional character, Joy.

No. Fictional characters are in books, Darnell. MacGyver's on TV.

I'm not gonna argue about this.

"I'm not gonna argue about this." I hate when you say that.

It makes it sound like you think you could win the argument if you wanted to...

but I'm too stupid to argue with.

Argue with me!

[Earl Narrating] For some reason, tensions were higher than normal.

Even laid-back Catalina had her G-string in a bunch.

That's it.

Go ahead. Take a squeeze so I can eat in peace.

Take a squeeze!

[Earl Narrating] Yep. Something was definitely in the air that morning.

Randy, give me my list back.

Why don't you come and get it?

[Earl Narrating] Maybe it was a coincidence that people were acting odd.

Or maybe it was like how animals get freaked out...

right before an earthquake or a tsunami or-

Oh, my God! It's a giant swirly wind thingy.

Or as they call it on the news-

Tornado!

The tornado ditch was the trailer park version of a storm shelter.

And in Camden, it got a lot of use.

Remember, if we get separated...

we all meet back where the trailer used to be.

[Man] I got it!

[Earl Narrating] After the tornado passed...

it became clear why we called it "nature's game show."

Anything on the ground is finders, keepers.

- [Joy] Kids, remember. Shiny before heavy. - [Man] I got it!

That's mine right there.

Earl, look! Steaks!

Finders, keepers.

Just keep an eye out for my list.

[Randy] Earl! Earl! Earl!

I got a boat. This is awesome!

Now we can live just like The Love Boat.

You wanna be Isaac, Julie or that pervy doctor?

Wait. I take that back. I wanna be the pervy doctor.

[Earl Narrating] Catalina hadn't lived in Camden that long...

so she wasn't used to tornadoes...

or the finders, keepers rule.

- Finders, keepers. - But that's my purse.

It's imitation imitation Gucci.

Well, it's mine now. That's the rules.

You don't see me bitchin' about losing my diaphragm.

- [Sniffs] - Hey, that's my shoe.

- This isn't fair. - Fair?

I got 1500 on my S.A.T.'s. Life ain't fair.

[Earl Narrating] Catalina didn't like having her stuff stolen...

but she was about to learn the meaning of that old American saying...

"Don't get mad. Get even."

Everybody freeze!

I am sick of being walked on.

I am walked on as an immigrant. I am walked on as a maid.

I am walked on as a stripper.

Literally! There's a guy who comes in on Wednesdays who's into that sort of thing.

So give me back my purse and my shoe.

And, Patty, I like that watch.

You know what? Give me everything.

You heard her, folks. Gun rules trump tornado rules.

Darnell, look. A Bible. I wonder if this is some kind of sign.

Doubtful. Natural disasters are stressful times...

in which people ascribe heightened meaning to random events of physics.

I think a Bible just got blown onto the steps.

Yeah. Okay. And I guess Adam and Eve just got blown into the Garden of Apples.

Things happen for a reason, Darnell.

- I'm not gonna argue about this. - There you- Damn it.

Stop treating me like I'm stupid.

I'm not treating you like you're stupid, baby.

It's just that you have very strong opinions that you don't seem to wanna change...

and I don't wanna spend all day arguing with the most beautiful girl in the trailer park.

Don't you talk down to me.

I know when I'm being comprehended to.

- You think you're smarter than me. - I am smarter than you.

[Gasps]

But that doesn't make me better.

Y-You're stronger and you know all the words to "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

Not to mention that statistically...

you're at a lower risk for heart disease, so kudos for that, huh?

[Sizzling]

Well, it's gone. The list is gone.

Great. Now I gotta rewrite the whole thing.

I think these steaks came pre-marinated.

I swear this one smells like wine or whiskey or some kind of alcohol.

I don't think I want those steaks, Randy. They don't belong to us.

None of this stuff belongs to us.

I bet someone's really missing those steaks right now.

And that boat.

Yeah. Those people would be the losers, weepers.

What's the matter with you, Earl? You love finders, keepers.

During the last tornado, you got that cool blue door for the El Camino.

You know what? I bet that's why I lost my list.

Karma did it- so I'd realize what losing something feels like.

I gotta add that blue door to my new list.

- What's this? - We're gonna find out who's smarter.

I can beat you at any game we own. Pick one. Uno. Jacks. Twister.

- Those aren't about intellect. - Fine.

Operation. That's a game made by doctors.

Oh, no. Here comes another one.

Boys, get in here and tie yourselves to your mother! We're going back to the ditch!

Go! Get!

[Earl Narrating] Catalina was about to change the way the world treated her.

- But instead, something changed her. - [Gasps]

Another tornado has been sighted here in Camden...

and it looks like there's more to come.

[Screaming]

Was that my daughter?

Randy, they said there's another one coming! You gotta get inside!

No can do, Earl! A captain always goes down with the ship!

Fine. Suit yourself! But don't come crying to me when-

[Screaming]

Randy!

Randy! Oh, my God! Randy!

My brother got sucked up into the tornado.

Quick. Everybody drag your mattresses into the parking lot.

Whoo!

- Whoo-hoo! - [Earl] Randy!

You're not dead. Thank God.

- I'm so sorry. - Why are you sorry?

I've never felt more alive. I rode a tornado! I was flying!

And you should see all this stuff up here...

like a toaster, tennis racket...

skateboard.

A gun.

Damn it, Randy. What have I told you about throwing guns?

Oh, right. Not to do it.

Hey, there's a half a kitty cat up here.

Wow. You wouldn't believe what they put inside a kitty cat.

It's, like, really gross soup and snakes.

[Retching]

- Check it out. We got a boat. - Oh, you are so smart.

Is that what that is, a boat?

I didn't know that. I thought it was a herd of lions.

Actually, a group of lions is called a pride.

I knew that. It's in The Lion King.

Shut up!

So you know a bunch of stuff that's in a cartoon.

I'm the kind of smart that people care about...

the kind that matters on the street.

- What kind is that? - Street smart, dumb-ass...

which clearly you're not or you'd have known that.

"Street smart" is just something dumb people say...

when they wanna use the word "smart" to describe themselves.

Dumb people, huh?

Okay, Mr. Genius, let's see how brilliant you are when you don't have a place to sleep tonight...

because you won't be in the trailer...

and I was smart enough to get my name on the deed and you weren't.

That's not smart. You just married Earl...

and had him sign it over to you when he was whacked out on morphine.

That's right. Street smart.

[Earl Narrating] Everybody got their stuff back from Catalina.

She didn't care. She was in the middle of a religious experience.

God slapped a gun out of my hand.

He knew I had evil in my heart.

I know I say this all the time to get bigger tips...

but I truly have been a very bad girl.

And she wasn't the only one feeling guilty.

I know the Bible hit you...

but there's a decent chance he was aiming at me.

I once got pregnant with the devil's baby.

The devil's the mascot at the local junior college, but still.

It was so cool when I was flying.

The only thing I'd change is next time I'd bring a couple tiny bags of peanuts with me.

You didn't fly, Randy. You got thrown up on the roof by a tornado.

You're a naysayer...

just like all those people that said that Orville Redenbacher couldn't fly.

[Reporter] Another tornado has just ripped through Nathanville...

and has been spotted heading towards Camden.

Time to ride the sky, Earl. Time to ride the sky!

Randy!

Yes, Dodge, it was very smart of me...

to make these silver-dollar pancakes with a lighter and a spoon, heroin-style.

Man, Mama made teeny pancakes...

and all I did was use the boat's motor to charge the battery...

so I could hook up a TV, VCR...

for some SpongeBob videos and this Sno-Kone machine.

Got our favorite flavor- blue.

- [Both Laughing] - Oh, look.

I guess you love me too much to run to your father.

- Baby, look what we're doing. - [Grunts]

I'm pimpin' out a fishing boat. You turned the boys into some kind of love yo-yos.

This doesn't seem like good parenting.

Don't you lecture me. I'm a good parent.

I would never let anything happen to my boys!

Hold on, boys!

- [Both Screaming] - Mama's got you! Hold on!

[Earl Narrating] Between the weather and the flying Bible...

Catalina and Patty were pretty sure the man upstairs was trying to tell 'em something.

The question was what.

Please, God, we just need a sign.

- [Wind Howls] - Was that the sign?

No. That's the sign.

An ark! Just like in the Bible.

We gotta get in that boat.

Floods are coming!

Randy!

- You gotta come in! - I'm gonna fly, Earl!

- [Baby Squeals] - Just like that baby in the stroller.

Lucky baby. Wait up!

Okay, I've tried to be nice.

Now I'm not giving you a choice.

What are you gonna do, shoot me?

I'm gonna shoot you in the leg...

drag you upstairs and save your life.

Did you shoot me? Nothing happened.

Do it again.

The hell?

[Wind Howls]

[Earl Narrating] There was a reason those bullets didn't hurt Randy or his pants.

All right, boys, time for the annual birthday race!

Are you sure you remembered to put in the blanks this time?

Yes.

I miss Mom.

On your mark, get set-

[Wind Howls]

Twister!

Run! Run! Run!

There's no way I missed you twice.

Something weird's going on.

I know.

I've been sucked up by a tornado, shot in the leg and nothing's happened to me.

Maybe I'm invincible.

Maybe you are, or maybe I'm dreaming.

- Ow! - Nope.

I'm invincible. But why?

Why am I invincible? What am I supposed to do?

[Wind Howls]

Randy, I think God made you invincible to do good.

Cool.

[Earl Narrating] Finding out God made your little brother invincible...

kind of changes the dynamics of your relationship.

See, Earl? All we had to do was take one day off from the list...

and it was the greatest day ever.

For you. You get to be invincible and go save people.

I gotta rewrite my whole list and go do it without you.

Forget the list. Come with me and watch me do awesome superhero stuff.

- We'll get so much ass. - I can't just forget the list, Randy.

Well, I can't deny my superpowers.

Are you saying we should do stuff separately?

'Cause that's what it sounds like, and I don't like it.

Hey, maybe karma wants us to take turns with our missions.

We can go back and forth between my list and you helping people.

I think God could live with that.

Well, look at that.

Mr. Genius's boat is gone.

Look, Mom. I found a gun.

Give me that. You're not 13 yet.

Go look for your daddy.

He's probably off in a ditch writing a term paper...

about how much smarter he is than me.

Swear to God, the next time he corrects me on some nerd crap nobody cares about...

I'm gonna pick him up and slam his hair right through a-

[Screams]

[Earl Narrating] With the Brat out of commission...

Joy had to find a more creative way to get Darnell to the hospital.

Darnell, everything's gonna be okay. Don't worry about the kids.

I left 'em with Eugenia. Told her she keeps 'em safe, I'll bake her a pie.

They'll be fine. Bitch loves her pie.

Mahumbo dogface to the banana patch.

- Michael Landon. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No Michael Landon. You stay away from him.

You can't die. You're the smart one in the relationship.

What if we have to move the stereo again?

All those cords. You fight, damn it.

Lfigure I don't have to help everybody with my superpowers.

Like, if you're a guy that does experiments on chimpanzees...

and then you're trapped in a tree by a bunch of chimpanzees...

I'd be, like, "Sorry, bro."

That seems reasonable.

- [Catalina] Earl! Randy! - Over here!

- [Catalina] Earl! Randy! - Over here!

We need two men to repopulate the Earth.

No, thanks.

We have steaks.

I could eat.

Yeah, really, it was nothing major.

- I just flew up on a roof, stopped two bullets. - [Church Bell Pealing]

You know, basic first-day superhero kind of stuff.

Oh, crap. It's Joy.

Hold on, baby. Hold on.

Joy!

What happened to Crabman?

- Hey, Earl. - Hey, Crab-

Bless his heart. He took a header through the trailer wall.

I gotta get him to a hospital before his whole brain leaks out.

I don't think you're gonna make it to the hospital.

[Randy] That's the biggest giant swirly wind thingy yet.

There's a storm cellar behind the church.

They used to put special kids in there for Sunday School.

Oh, yeah. I got to go in there. Earl didn't, 'cause he's not special.

Guys, this is serious.

If you don't get down to that cellar, you're gonna die.

God wants me and Patty to stay on the boat.

If it means we die, then we die.

- [Electricity Crackles] - [Wires Vibrate]

- Patty. - I'm sorry, sweetie.

I've survived too many diseases to give up now.

- Damn it. It's locked. - Step aside.

I'm invincible.

I'm vincible! I'm vincible!

Move, dummy. I'll do it.

Maybe my invincibility went into the lock when I hit the door.

No. The gun's shooting blanks, you idiot.

Hey, baby, what's with the gunshots and whatnot?

Trying to save your ass. Unscrew that garden hose.

I'm gonna show you a little thing I learned from the king of street smarts-

Mr. MacGyver.

[Earl Narrating] Joy had learned enough from MacGyver...

to know you didn't need bullets to open a locked cellar.

Door's locked.

[Gas Hissing]

Are you sure this is gonna work?

Come on, dummies.

- Why are you doing this? - Because God wants me to.

Oh, so you know what God wants?

Yes. God wants me to stay in this ark.

[Grunts]

God wants me to go with you.

Dag, that plan you came up with was way beyond street smart.

That was street genius.

They were blanks. I wasn't invincible.

Probably not.

But you did fly in a tornado.

Nobody can take that away from you.

Yeah, that's true.

You know, at some point, we're gonna have to talk about the fact...

that you tried to shoot me twice, but not right now.

I really appreciate you dropping everything and sticking with me.

It's only fair. You've always stuck with me.

Next time you get a mission, it'll be one day your mission, one day my list.

Thanks, Earl.

Oh, my God. The list.

Well, where-where did you get this?

I found it right away. It was on the boat.

I was pretty pissed, so I didn't wanna tell you.

And then with the whole superhero thing, I guess I just forgot about it.

Wait. This-This doesn't make sense.

I thought karma took the list to teach me a lesson about finders, keepers.

Now I'm not sure what any of this meant.

Tell me about it. Why did God give me and Patty so many conflicting signs?

Yeah. The gun, the Bible, the boat, the Bible again.

Yeah. And why did he make me think I was invincible?

You guys don't think God's losing his mind, do you?

I don't know how old he is, but he's gotta be getting up there.

Maybe all of it means nothing.

Tornadoes tend to be stressful times...

in which people ascribe heightened meaning to random events of physics.

I heard that from a very smart man.

[Earl Narrating] It's tempting to look for messages when crazy stuff starts happening.

But maybe that's wrong. Maybe some things are just random.

Hey, Dad! Dad!

- I found our Bible! - I found your gun and a steak!

- # Dust in the wind # - Hey, great.

All right. Fastest runner gets to eat it.

#All we are is dust in the wind #

- Or maybe nothing is random. Hard to say. - # Dust in the wind #

Excuse me, sir.

- I think I owe you a blue door. - # Everything is dust in the wind ##