Original subtitles

[Groans] Mornin', Earl.

Mornin', Randy.

You know what team I've always wanted to join?

The debate team.

- No, you haven't. - Yes, I have.

Well, no offense, but I don't think you'd be very good at that.

Yes, I would.

You know, Randy, I think debatin' is more than just sayin'...

the opposite of what the other person says.

- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.

- No, it isn't. - It is. - Isn't.

Randy, this is stupid. I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

I win.

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] There were a few things on my list...

that I'd actually done to the Crab Shack.

One of'em, people had gotten used to working around.

Beer comin'!

But it was still somethin' I wanted to fix.

- I'm fixing the dent, Darnell. - That's good to hear.

I tried to build a ramp over it with disastrous results.

Why would you slide it to me?

Who slides wine?

[Earl Narrating] There was a reason why I was fixing this today-

'cause it was the anniversary of the day I dented it...

which was also the anniversary of the day I married Joy.

Joy's situation forced her to be a new wife and mother all at once.

Ow! Damn it, baby. You keep kicking my kidney, and I'ma hold my breath again.

[Groans]

All right. You asked for it.

- What's your name again? - Joy.

- You got a baby in there? - Yup.

Is that my brother's baby?

It is now.

Mrs. Hickey?

I believe you requested I steal one of these.

Oh, Earl, you did it!

I knew we were meant for each other the first time I met you the other night.

- Where'd you get it? - You walk into a bakery wearing a hairnet...

you can walk out with pretty much anything you want.

- Randy, I got you a bag of sprinkles. - Shut up!

[Joy] This thing's goin'in the freezer.

They say if you eat it on the one-year anniversary, you'll have good luck.

Saw it on Oprah.

She don't know much about marriage, but she sure knows somethin'about cake.

[Earl Narrating] That first year didn't go the wayJoy had hoped...

and a few days before our anniversary, she hit rock bottom.

- Our belly button fuzz balls are about the same size. - [Baby Crying]

How do we pick a winner?

That's it. I can't wait till Wednesday to eat that cake.

I need my luck now.

Is that skin or a piece of Frosted Flake in yours?

Skin.

What the hell? Somebody switched my cake with a pile of dog turds.

Either one of you know anything about this?

Actually, they're cat turds. But I don't know anything about it.

[Earl Narrating] A couple days after I stole that cake...

me and Randy had a drinkin'contest at the Crab Shack.

I never made it home, but unfortunately forJoy Randy did.

# Here comes the stomach all dressed in stomach #

[Joy] Don't think I don't hear you out there, Sasquatch!

You better not be gettin'into my food in the fridge!

- Yeah, I hate you too, you bitchy old screech owl. - [Cat Meows]

[Earl Narrating] Randy knew he couldn't just put empty foil back in the freezer...

and that's when he realized he could have the best ofboth worlds-

- eatJoy's cake and feed her poo. - [Meows]

- [Both Laughing] - You think this is funny?

Why are you gettin' so mad over a little thing like this?

So my brother replaced our wedding cake with cat poo.

I'm sure it happens in a lot of marriages.

It's not a "little" thing. That cake was a symbol.

- Of what? - I don't know!

Somethin'- like, that you cared about me.

And then dummy ruins it and you just sit there and laugh.

That means somethin' too.

[Plate Clatters]

- I'm really sorry I madeJoy mad at you, Earl. - [Door Slams]

If you need a place to sleep tonight, my couch is your couch.

Your couch is my couch, Randy.

So we agree.

[Earl Narrating] Randy felt guilty for days...

so on our actual anniversary, he did somethin'to put an end to it.

"Dear Earl and Joy...

"I'm sorry for eatin' your cake...

"so I'm gonna kill myself at the Crab Shack at 3:00.

"I'll probably shoot myself in the face.

Stay cool. Love, Randy."

[Crowd] Surprise!

- Happy anniversary! - Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Randy. Did you do all this?

Are you kiddin' me? Earl's been plannin' this for weeks.

Why do you think he's been such a jerk lately? He was just setting you up for this.

You did this?

Yeah!

I did this. Me.

Thanks, Earl. I really needed a lift right now.

Thought I might get it by Randy killin' himself, but this is even better.

Thanks, Randy. You made life better for both of us.

You're welcome, Earl. I felt bad.

When this marriage ends, I want it to be...

because you and Joy hate each other, not because of me.

- Hey, Joy. - [Jukebox] #What's your name #

Well, it's been fun chattin'. You wanna get outta here and go have sex? 'Cause I do, real bad.

No, Donny. Quit starin' at me with your crazy eyes.

I'll put a bag over my head like you made me do last time we banged.

Look, the only reason you got lucky that night...

was 'cause I had cramps and sometimes that helps.

And no hard feelings, but when you're naked you look like you got kneecaps everywhere.

Hello, Joy.

Oh, my God! [Laughs] Mr. Stevens!

I haven't seen you since Missy's wedding.

- What's that, like, five years ago? - Seven.

And aside from my daughter, you were the most beautiful girl there.

Oh, you are so sweet!

You didn't tell anybody that we, uh, slept together that night, did you?

Hell, no. I wasn't in a rush to tell my friends...

about humpin' someone's red-faced, bald-headed, out-of-bread dad...

in the back of a catering truck.

- # Shootin'you straight Little girl # - Thanks.

- I'll tell Missy you said hi. - # For there ain't no shame #

Lookin' good, Joy.

- # What's your name # - Pickup's out back.

- # Little girl What's your name # - Mmm!

- Long time, sweet cheeks. - Ain't that nice!

- Hey, babe. - # Shootin'you straight #

Earl, who-who exactly did you invite to this party?

Uh- R-R-Randy was more in charge of the guest list.

Who'd we invite?

People me and you know, plus all ofJoy's friends.

You know, from her address book.

"Guys I've phoned."

Randy, it says "Guys I've boned."

That's a "B"? I thought it was an "F."

- How could you let this happen? - I didn't let this happen.

I didn't have anything to do with this stupid party.

No, wait. Yes, I did. L-I did everything.

No, l-l-I did nothin'. What are you more mad about?

You didn't throw this party. Dummy did.

I know, I know. I'm a terrible husband who never blah, blah, blah!

But you're no prize either.

What kind of wife keeps an address book full of guys she banged?

The kind of wife that wants to keep her options open for the future.

What? You think you're gonna find someone better than me?

Go for it, baby, but keep in mind this is Camden.

I own my own car, I almost graduated high school...

and I have a huge collection of cassette tapes.

So good luck to you.

- ## [Ends] - [Grunts]

[Earl Narrating] Back then Mr. Turtle was still young...

and needed to take walks.

And since Darnell hadn't metJoy yet, he had plenty of free time.

- [Buzzing] - But that day, thanks to some hateful bees...

their leisurely walk turned into a run for cover.

[Buzzing Continues]

And Darnell wasn't the only new Camdenite that the bees decided to pester.

- Quick! In here! - [Whimpering]

I just got to this country, and already I'm invited into someone's house.

You must be rich. You have a phone.

Hey, Earl. This is Phil. He does mortgages down at the bank.

You know, 30-year balloon loans.

Has a gold pinkie ring, white shoes, brand-name socks.

Oh, I know Phil. We went to high school together.

How's it going, buddy?

- [Both Laughing] - Oh, God!

How did I not notice that when we slept together?

No wonder he didn't want to cuddle.

All the ladies in the house say "Ho!"

[Women, Joy] Ho!

[Earl Narrating] And that's right about when the fun ended for me.

Blake was my cousin, and I'd hated him since we were kids.

It all started when our moms took us to audition for a local backpack catalog.

- # Yeah, on the catwalk # - I knew I could make the Little Explorer look good...

but I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

#I'm too sexy for my shirt #

From that day on I've never measured up to Cousin Blake.

Cousin Blake?

[Giggles] That's right, Earl.

Blake's here 'cause he's in my book.

[Earl Narrating] For a while there...

I didn't think Joy could do better than me, and now I knew she could.

- You wanna know what she wrote next to his name? - Absolutely not.

"Gimungo."

Hey, Earl. You look a little surprised to see me.

You must have just found out I boned your wife.

It's a look I get a lot.

So, Earl-

- Still a loser and a thief, I'll assume. - Yup.

Mmm. And I'm still rockin' the model thing.

[Earl Narrating] Blake was better than me at everything, so I had to do something fast.

Back then my motto was, "When in doubt, set something on fire."

Oh, my God! Fire! Run for your lives!

The whole place is going up!

[Earl Narrating] Nothing can keep people in a bar when it's on fire.

- Killer bees! Killer bees! Don't go out there! - Except killer bees.

Don't worry, Joy. I'll protect you.

[Screaming]

[Earl Narrating] So, while killer bees were invading Camden...

I was stuck inside having to watch my wife canoodle with my cousin...

and his backpack that was worth more than my car.

Nobody worry. I come prepared, like a Boy Scout.

A Boy Scout that's a handsome, professional backpack model with his own condo.

You worry about everyone else. I'll take care of my wife.

Oh, all of a sudden you care about me.

Looks like you're jealous.

Nah, I'm not jealous.

I'm just doing what a husband does- protecting his family.

So, what you gonna protect me with?

I got a piece of gum and a corn dog stick.

Why the hell are you carryin'around a corn dog stick?

'Cause there's still a little corn dog on it.

Sometimes, if you wait, it loosens up.

It's not ready.

I've been workin' at Club Chubby for a couple of weeks now...

so I'm trying to figure out my signature move.

Cinnamon slaps her ass with a ruler.

Chantal lets people put gum in her hair.

I just need something to help me stand out.

Have you ever thought of jumping?

That'll work.

[Screaming]

Hey. Bees just swarmed me and my john.

I didn't have time to untie him from the tree. I hope he's okay.

If they're swarming people, it means these bees are Africanized.

Those brothers mean business.

I don't know who you are, but you better not be hookin'...

because you are much prettier than me...

and I got a teenage son to put through hairdressing school.

- [Woman] 911 operator. What's your emergency? - Yeah!

We're inside a phone booth, trapped by killer bees!

Hey, if that's Clarence, ask him how his mommy is.

I call emergency about nine times a day. Comes with the job.

They got me on hold. There's a lot of callers.

- [Screaming] - Oh! Oh!

Good! Larry got his ropes untied.

I got nothin' on this guy, Randy.

He's beaten me again, just like he did with modelin' and stayin' cavity-free.

I'm sorry about all this, Earl.

I didn't even get a chance to show the anniversary video I made for you guys.

Y-You made a video about me and Joy, about our love and crap like that?

Yeah. I hid the camera around the trailer for a while.

I got the idea off that show where the guy catches perverts in his kitchen every week.

He should really move.

Anyway, I took the tape to that lady that makes wedding videos and breeds Taco Bell puppies.

Randy, that's perfect. Put it on.

Excuse me, everyone!

I made a little video I think some of you would like to see.

It's called Earl and Joy- High Dot, Low Dot-A Love Story.

Honey, this is for you. [Kisses]

Blake, one of these fingers is for you.

## [Pop Ballad On Television]

[Man] #You know our love was meant to be #

#The kind of love to last forever #

- [Grunting] - [Farts]

#And I want you here with me #

[Coughing]

- Oh, my God! [Groans] - What happened?

#To the end of time #

#You should know #

# Everywhere I go #

#Always on my mind #

# In my heart In my soul #

# Baby, you're the meaning in my life #

- [Twittering] - Just 'cause you leave me a note...

sayin' I gotta do somethin' with the bird in the freezer...

doesn't mean I gotta drop everything that's important to me and do it.

- Yeah. - Is my name "Note Reader"?

Is my name "Bird Defroster"? No.

My na-

That was, uh, clearly the blooper reel.

Hey, Cousin, it looks like you're gonna need a place to crash for a while.

You can stay at my pad. I won't be there...

'cause even though we're four months from Christmas...

it looks like I'm gonna be busy spreadin'Joy.

Son of a bitch!

[Onlookers Shouting]

Wait. You're from La Paz, near the river of blood?

I did my Peace Corps year down there.

Oh, small world.

Small world!

- [Banging] - Let me in!

Those bees aren't too particular who you are!

[All Whimpering]

Thank you. Oh, those bees are such bitches!

You laugh, but that statement is factual. Most of the colony are actually female.

There are only a few males, and their only job is to have sex with the queen.

Ick! Worst job ever.

If we're the only four survivors left on the planet...

I call the black guy.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Cut it out! Gonna break the bar.

[Whimpers] That's right.

You might know "fujitsu"...

but my head can break things.

What do you think of that, Mr. "I'm Better Than Earl at Everything"?

Uh, I bet you can't do this.

[Screams] Son of a bitch!

Oh, God. Blake, go get me some cigarettes from the vendin'machine.

Yeah, sure.

I'll just be over there at the vending machine.

Oh, yeah? And I'll be waitin' right here.

- [Farts] - 'Scuse me.

Earl, this isn't right.

Isn't this what you wanted, for me to get jealous?

But the person you're jealous of is your cousin.

It ain't got nothin' to do with me, or else you'd be jealous of all these other guys too.

Well, look. I don't know what you want from me.

Look, I'm not tryin' to criticize you.

But jealousy, throwing me a party, making me a nice video-

Those are all ways to show you care...

and you don't do stuff like that.

Well, I pretended to do all those things. Doesn't that count for somethin'?

Who are we kiddin'?

You saw the video. This isn't a marriage.

What did I expect? I mean, I tricked you into marrying me.

You didn't care about me when you agreed to that, and I don't think you ever will.

I wouldn't.

I'm sorry, Earl.

I think it's time we just end it.

[Earl Narrating] In a whole year, I had never stopped to think...

about whether or not I cared about my wife.

In those days I never really stopped to care about anything.

While I was facing the end of my marriage...

everyone else was facing the end of their lives.

- They're gonna get in! - I can't believe I'm gonna die today.

I have four outstanding books from the library. What if that's all it says in the paper?

I can't believe I'm gonna die a virgin.

I was saving myself for marriage.

I hope you're impressed!

And that you exist!

I can't believe I'm gonna die without givin' it up for free.

Just once I shoulda done that.

I've always wanted to try a threesome.

I've never kissed a man, and I want to.

Bad.

What kind of man doesn't know if he cares about his wife?

A man in a coma.

Or a man who got married over the Internet...

and he hasn't met his wife yet 'cause she's being shipped here on a boat.

The only person I've ever really cared about is you...

and you're my brother- I don't have a choice.

What if I'm just a lazy jerk who's gonna go through...

the rest of his life never caring about anybody else?

[Buzzing]

Bee!

[Slowed Down Audio]

[Earl Narrating] Before my list, when I didn't have time to think...

it always ended with me doing the wrong thing...

like stealing or peeing in public.

But not on that day.

Not in that moment.

- You okay? - Yeah.

I can't say that moment turned me into a perfect husband...

or thatJoy didn't have to drive my drunk ass home later that night...

but that was the day I knew I could care about someone else.

I did care about someone else, and she knew it too.

#You said we'd try #

#Lovin; touchin'#

#Squeezin'each other#

[Earl Narrating] I guess you learn what you're capable of...

when you stare death in the face.

It's all okay. They are gone. Bees are on their way to Texas.

This never happened.

#Oh, what can I say #

#Now it's your turn, girl, to cry #

[Earl Narrating] And when you have history with people...

you'll always remember those meaningful days.

## [Man Vocalizing]

Think it's ready, Darnell.

- Give it a shot. - Beer comin'!

[Mug Shatters]

Oh, I'm sorry, Darnell. I just got so excited, I forgot I was supposed to catch it.

Happy anniversary.

That was $2.00 and tax.

You don't have to pay me back. I just wanted you to know.

You're welcome.

## [Continues]

I know this sounds crazy...

but of all your wives, I thinkJoy was my favorite.

Mine too.