Original subtitles

[Earl Narrating] Living at the motel, we've had our share of annoying neighbors.

Hello there, neighbor folks. Working hard or hardly working?

Like this guy, most of them drove me crazy and wouldn't shut up.

Say, did I ever tell you guys about the time my dog ate a whole bag of Halloween candy?

Whoo-hoo! Well, I come home from work one day, I walk in the door-

Least I think I was at work. But as it occurs to me, it was a Sunday in October...

and I do not work on the Lord's day- during football season!

"The Lord's day." You should write that down. That's a good one.

Wait. It wasn't October.

It was February, and it was a box of chocolates I purchased for my sweetheart Gertie.

L-l- I gotta pee. Cappy, talk real loud so I don't miss anything, okay?

So, anyways, Gertie was from Bismarck-

[Earl Narrating] So I was stuck.

But fortunately, whenever I had a neighbor I didn't like...

- Catalina would always find a way to move 'em. - So, I says to myself, "Cappy"-

Excuse me, sir. We just discovered toxic mold in your room.

Oh, bummer. We had toxic moles in our old room.

They burrow in, and they have turf wars with the rats.

I'll be moving you to a great room in the east wing.

When it's windy, you can get HBO.

Keep in touch. Or not.

My name is Earl.

You wanna tell me why I just saw Cappy in the east wing?

I don't know, Randy. Something about toxic moles.

It wasn't toxic moles.

You got rid of him, like you do with all the cool neighbors-

even that guy with the illegal penguin.

That penguin was a jerk.

All day long- [Imitating Footsteps]

Plus, I knew he kept him in the ice machine at night, 'cause I could taste it.

Well, I miss Cappy.

Trust me, Randy, we're better off without him.

Hello?

Can I help you?

What are you doin' in my room?

Oh, you must be in the room next door.

But my key opened this door.

Oh, that's 'cause the manager bought all the locks in bulk at a swap meet.

They can also be opened with a potato peeler...

and those things that you use to hold corn on the cob.

Welcome to the neighborhood. I'm Earl.

Way to go, Earl. I bet that guy's got the least funny stories in the universe.

I don't want stories in a neighbor, Randy. I want quiet in a neighbor.

Well, let's see how you like quiet in a brother.

[TV: Chattering, Gunshots]

So, how do you like it?

Give me a few hours to find out.

[Grinding]

[Banging]

You know who didn't make noise at night? Cappy.

I'm sure the new guy just doesn't realize how loud that is.

I'll go talk to him.

[Machinery Winds Down, Stops]

Hey. It's, uh- It's 3:00 in the morning.

Just wondering if you could keep it down.

Just, uh, I heard some noise in there.

Just maybe you could not...

work... so late?

I don't know what you're talking about. L- I was sleeping.

Okeydokey.

- How'd it go? - Pretty good.

He's actually a pretty nice guy once you get to know him.

[Grinding, Banging Resume]

I'm sure he'll be done real soon.

- You miss Cappy, don't you? - Yeah, I miss Cappy!

What the hell is he doin' in there anyway?

Why don't you go look through the bullet hole?

Why don't you look through the bullet hole?

Why should I? This is your fault. If it had been up to me...

- we'd still have Cappy and not some weirdo- - Not it!

Damn it. Why do I always forget "not it"?

[Machinery Winds Down, Stops]

[Whispers] Go look.

What do you see?

It's sort of a big almond-shaped white thing...

with sort of a round blue-greenish thing in the middle.

It blinked.

[Whispering] It's an eye!

It's an eye! He's lookin' at us!

His name is Lloyd. And no, I am not moving that guy.

I saw him this morning, and he said if I ever step foot in his room...

something bad will happen to my pretty little face.

You should have him thrown out of the motel for acting psycho.

Are you kidding? If I can't go in his room, I can't clean his room.

Plus, he thinks I'm pretty. I hope he never checks out.

Well, I guess if he's not moving, we have to.

Well, then somebody's gotta go pack our stuff, and I think it should be you.

Number one, because this is all your fault. Number two, you're-

- Not it. - Damn it!

- Hey, Joy. - Hey, dummkopf.

That's German for "dummy." Heard Colonel Klink say it to Hogan.

- What are you doin' here? - Catchin' a fish for Dodge's science project.

[Earl Narrating] Turned out there was a reason Joy was excited...

about this particular science fair.

Normally, Joy didn't believe in science...

but she did believe in the $500 cash prize and what it would buy her.

[Woman] ...universal symbol of hope and love.

Because if your heart is open, love will always find its way in.

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

[Earl Narrating] Those diamonds got a hold ofJoy...

and she couldn't stop thinking about how to get her hands on that necklace.

- [Gasps] Jane Seymour? - Hello, Joy.

- How'd you know my name? - Oh, I've been reading your prescription bottles.

I have something for you.

- What the hell? - Oh, I'm sorry.

You'll have to win the science fair if you want to get the necklace.

But how, Jane Seymour? I never understood science or chemistry or biology.

You wanna hear something funny?

First time I ever used birth control pills, I put 'em inside me.

Well, we all change, Joy. I started as a dancer, and I evolved into an actress.

And then I evolved into an artist.

It's all about evolution.

Evolution.

Jane Seymour wants me to disprove evolution.

- Darnell! - It's not porn if it's on regular TV.

Jane Seymour came to me in a dream and told me how to win the science fair.

I'm gonna prove that evolution's a bunch of bullcrap.

How are you going to do that?

I'm gonna fill this up with water and put a fish in it...

but his food's gonna be up on this rock.

When the fish gets hungry, he's gonna have to grow legs and walk up here to eat.

If he doesn't, that proves there's no evolution.

Tampon, condom, pacifier-

Fish!

Kind of small, don't you think?

Maybe for eatin', but not for science.

Oh, man. Y'all got homeless comin' through here now?

That's why I tell Darnell, "Break your bottles 'fore you throw 'em away."

Word gets out, they'll stop pawin' through your trash.

[Vehicle Passes, Horn Honks]

- Hold the phone! - [Blowing]

I know that guy.

[Earl Narrating] I was surprised thatJoy knew Lloyd.

But I was even more surprised to find out that, in a way, I knew him too.

Shortly after me and Joy got married...

- I realized I couldn'tjust rely on stealing... - # The mountain is high #

- to support a new wife and someone else's unborn baby. - # The valley is low #

- # And you're confused # - So I tried my hand in the auto industry.

- # On which way to go # - For 50 bucks I'd haul away your oldjunker.

#So I've come here to give you a hand #

#And lead you into the promised land #

- # So come on and take a free ride # - Then I took the 50...

and gave it a hillbilly tune-up to get it runnin'.

#Come on and sit here by my side #

I stapled the seat belts back together, painted over the "check engine" light...

and I wrote "air bag" on the steering wheel in Sharpie.

That should raise the price.

As soon as we found a nice house that was vacant during the day, the car was ready to sell.

- So, why you selling it? - We're buying a minivan.

I know, barf. Next thing you know, I'm gonna be playing soccer like all the other moms.

I'm goin' on a cross-country trip, and, uh, I've never bought a car before.

[Laughs] I don't even know what questions to ask.

I hear ya. Lord knows, I'm no car salesman.

Tell you what. Why don't you just give me the 900 bucks.

Drive it around for a couple of days. If you don't like it, come get your money back.

I mean, you know where we live. It's not like we're goin' anywhere.

That sounds fair.

Yeah, let's do it.

- I'm buyin' a car! - You're buyin' a car.

#Free ride ##

He looked so nice and sweet when we ripped him off.

Now he looks like that guy who used to collect roadkill...

to make those creepy Nativity scenes.

Anyway, I'd stay away from him if I were you.

I can't now. He's on my list.

[Earl Narrating] I had a lot of experience telling psychos I screwed 'em over...

but this guy was the psycho-est.

- Hey there, buddy. - I'm not your buddy.

Fair enough.

Uh, listen, I just heard the craziest story.

It's not the one about that dog eating the candies, is it?

'Cause I already walked away from that story once.

No, l-listen. It's, uh- It's about the lemon car I sold you.

I told him I was the one who sold him that lemon car, and all about my list and karma.

Then I waited for the crazy to come out.

But it didn't.

You don't owe me anything.

You showed me the way of the world.

That's when Lloyd told me the rest of what happened.

Lloyd packed his bags and headed off on a cross-country trip.

[Singing With Car Stereo] # It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw #

- # I've gone to look for America # - [Car Backfires, Rattles]

[Sputters, Backfires]

But the car we sold him wasn't even up for a cross-Camden trip.

#All gone to look for #

#America ##

Lloyd was happyJoy gave him that money-back guarantee...

until he found out the house really belonged to the Yangs.

Damn. Damn, damn, damn!

He gave that car a hillbilly tune-up ofhis own and passed it on the next sucker.

Why is it shaking?

That's not the car. That's you.

Oh.

But why-why is smoke coming out from under the hood?

Oh, that's the steam feature. Keeps the engine clean.

Fancy. I'll take it!

Finally, I'll have one nice thing before I die.

I feel terrible. L-I'd really like to make up for what I did.

Why? You opened my eyes.

You taught me that people are scum.

But I won't have to worry about the scum of the earth much longer.

That's kind of a weird thing to say.

- N-No offense. - Oh, no, that's okay.

'Cause soon, I'm gonna have all my materials...

and I won't have to worry about people offending me.

See, th-there you go again.

You're the one from the eyehole.

Stay tuned.

I think I created a terrorist.

Randy, I really think this guy's gonna blow somethin' up. What do we do?

You're asking me? Oh, God. This is really bad, isn't it?

- I don't know. Maybe call the cops? - No, that won't help.

They'll lock him up for a few months, then let him back out even more angry at the world.

We could chop his hands off, so at least he can't light fuses.

- Randy- - [Groans]

You put me in charge, and now you shoot down all my ideas?

Randy, we're not choppin' off Lloyd's hands!

- My hands? - Aah! - Aah!

Uh, a-a different Lloyd.

Uh, I got a cousin named Lloyd...

who has, uh, hand cancer.

Listen, Lloyd.

I feel responsible for you thinking everybody is scum.

- And I believe I already thanked you. - I don't want to be thanked.

L-l- I just wanna make it up to you so that you're not so...

negative?

Show me somebody who isn't negative.

- Katie Couric. - Randy.

Look. Not everybody's scum.

No, think about it.

People are only good till they get screwed over.

You screwed me, I screwed the next person...

and I'm sure they screwed somebody else...

and it just kept goin' down the line.

But-But what if it didn't?

Wh-What if somebody, uh, broke the chain, and-and was honest about the car?

- Impossible. - You don't know that.

- How much you wanna bet? - I'll bet you $500.

Well, I'm kinda on a fixed income right now...

and, uh, it's all going to my project.

Look, how about this.

If one of those people was honest and- and didn't screw somebody else...

will you give your fellow man another chance?

[Earl Narrating] The next dayJoy saw something that undid years of Sunday school.

- SweetJesus! The fish grew feet. - What does that mean, Mommy?

I think it means we don't gotta go to church no more.

Baby, that's a tadpole.

All you proved is that tadpoles turn into frogs.

- Do people already know that? - Yes, Joy.

That would actually fall under the heading "common knowledge."

Damn! Now I'm not gonna get my hand-designed Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace.

- Stupid fish-frog! - [Dog Barking In Distance]

Hello. My name's Darnell.

I'm gonna call you Mr. Frog.

[Earl Narrating] I didn't want Lloyd to blow anything up...

so I made him take me to the little old lady he sold the car to.

Of course I remember that shaky car.

I wasted a thousand dollars getting tested for Parkinson's.

L-I don't suppose you still have the car, do you?

[Earl Narrating] She didn't. She told me how she spruced it up with a racing stripe...

and sold it to a guy who was new to town.

That sneaky little bitch ripped me off...

with her face like a wrinkled yam and her lies.

What she did was wrong- evil and wrong!

- What'd you do with the car? - I sold it to the next sucker.

Hey, welcome to America! [Chuckles]

[Earl Narrating] Nescobar gave the car something he called a Nairobi tune-up...

and sold it to a hillbilly.

I wrote "Turbo" on the side and sold it to a black feller named PookieJohnson.

I remember, 'cause my mom's name is Pookie.

Hey, is that a three-position switch with a built-in timer? Can I buy it?

Don't do it. Don't do it. I think he's buildin' a bomb.

I think we've already established that scruples are not a big part of my nature.

[Earl Narrating] I wasn't gettin'closer to finding an honest man...

but Lloyd seemed to be getting closer to finishing his bomb.

So I had to get creative.

[Nasal Voice] Yeah, it conked out in the Chubby Burger drive-through line.

That's when I said to myself...

"PookieJames Johnson, you have been hoodwinked."

What'd you do then, PookieJames?

I melted it down and made a jungle gym for orphans.

Only wish I could have melted something down to make those kids some moms and dads.

- Well, we do what we can. - Wow, you really did that?

Orphans?

That's impressive.

[Earl Narrating] I knew I wasn't exactly honest with Lloyd...

but it seems like it's okay to bend the rules when it comes to dealing with terrorists.

So I figured karma wouldn't mind.

Apparently, I figured wrong.

[Vehicle Backfires]

[Brakes Screech]

People are scum!

And you're scum for lying to me, and I'm not putting up with it anymore!

- Lloyd, wait! You're not even on my insurance! - [Car Door Closes, Engine Revs]

[Tires Squealing]

#Boom, boom, boom, boom #

- # Bang, bang, bang, bang # - [Backfires, Sputters]

- # Boom, boom, boom, boom # - Really?

- You had to drive by right now? - # Bang, bang, bang, bang ##

[Earl Narrating] I hadn't done much running since I gave up stealing...

so I was a little out of shape.

But it's amazing how fast you can move when the fate ofhalf the county is in your hands.

Lloyd! Stop!

Lloyd, look, I know there's some bad people out there...

but there's some good people too...

and neither one deserves to be blown up!

Lloyd, open up!

Please don't set off the bomb!

- What bomb? - That bomb right there!

It's not a bomb.

It's my rocket ship.

- What made you think I was building a bomb? - I don't know-

uh, all the talk about how you wouldn't have to put up with the scum of the earth anymore.

Yeah, 'cause I'm launching myself into outer space in my man-made rocket ship.

Bomb?

- What do you think, I'm crazy? - L-I don't know how to answer that.

Wait a minute.

You actually thought I was gonna set off a bomb.

And you ran toward the danger.

Yeah, I wondered about that myself a few times while I was runnin'.

I mean, you could have run to safety.

But instead you risked your own life to-

to save other people?

Hey, you build rockets. I run towards bombs.

Let-Let's just agree we're both a little crazy, okay?

That was completely unselfish.

You are a good person.

I guess that means everybody isn't scum.

Congratulations.

Think you won your bet.

[Earl Narrating] It wasn't how I planned on doing it...

but I helped Lloyd regain his faith that people can be good.

#Let us be lovers We'll marry our fortunes together#

Years ago, Lloyd thought I had opened his eyes to all the bad in the world.

But really, I did something worse.

I made him close his eyes to all of the good.

Both are all around. You just have to decide which one to focus on.

Andjust like Lloyd, I realized I was only seeing the bad in the people around me...

when I needed to be like Randy and see the good.

Hey, Randy. What are you guys talking about?

Cappy's telling us about going to bingo night.

He almost had all the I's, and then he almost had all the corners.

But then someone else called bingo. So on the next game he started out with B-3.

- Eh, B- B-7. - B-7, I meant.

Hold on. I wanna come down and hear all about it.

#Michigan seems like a dream to me now #

[Earl Narrating] Now that Lloyd could see the good in the world...

he finally took that cross-country trip to see more of it.

# I've come to look for #

#America ##

And it turns out, all the work he did on his rocket didn't go to waste.

That's right! My son's a scientifical genius.

That's why he won-

- The hell is this? - A savings bond, Joy, in Dodge's name.

I was gonna tell you, but then I figured you wouldn't go through with it...

and Dodge wouldn't get to have this unearned feeling of success.

- What about my feelings? - I thought about that too.

[Gasps]

Oh, my God.

It's a KayJewelers Jane Seymour Open Hearts necklace!

[Gasps, Kisses]

Do you know how those diamonds were formed?

Millions of years ago, there were dinosaurs who died...

and the carbon in their bodies was compressed-

Darnell, don't be a turd in the sandbox.