Original subtitles

[Earl] I do think being a sunburned guy is a good costume for Halloween.

- We can't both do the same thing. - Come on.

Two sunburned guys is way funnier than one.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Come on. Do it with me.

[Together] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Maybe you're right.

[Together] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, perfect timing.

I can't figure out how to get this coffin lid on right. Can y'all help me?

Joy, we're not stupid.

What's gonna pop out of there and scare us?

Nothin'. Nothin'.

How about we just stand back over here...

and you show us how the lid works?

- [Shouting] - [Shouting]

[Laughing]

[Exhales] Hey, Earl.

Hey, Crabman.

I told you that was a bad idea, Joy.

Oh, don't worry. The kids won't punch that hard.

Is this why you called us over here?

Course not. If I just wanted to see you scream like a little bitch...

I'd make you sit through Pumpkinhead again.

You're here because you need to give the boys a good Halloween.

[Earl Narrating] Joy was talking about number 94 on my list-

ruined Dodge and Earl Junior's Halloween.

I thought you were taking the kids trick-or-treatin'.

[Slurred] Oh, you wanted me to go with them?

[Crowd Chanting] Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight...

fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight-

- Yeah! - Yeah!

You need to throw a Halloween party for the boys and everybody else in this neighborhood...

who spent all night looking for 'em, not to mention me.

My hands were shakin' so bad, I could barely put my makeup on for the news crew.

Fine. I'll throw a party. But you gotta admit, you loved it...

when they let you drive the speedboat when they were draggin' the lake.

I had that thing hummin'.

My name is Earl.

Hey, Darnell, Willie let me borrow his glass eye...

for Dodge and EarlJunior's party.

I thought we could float it in the witches'pot...

but I can't find any of that spooky ice to go with it.

We tried pouring hot water over regular ice, but you know what happened?

- It melted? - You tried that too, huh?

[Catalina Speaking Spanish]

Who's that with Catalina?

That's her nephew. Oscar.

"Oh-scar"- Like Oscar, but with an "O."

Her sister sent him to America for a vacation.

He arrived yesterday.

I swear I didn't order this.

Wait. Are you a dishwasher?

- No. - Yeah, we didn't order this.

The really sad part is...

the waybill said "bananas, magazines and little boy."

I can't help but think someone at Customs wasn't doing their job.

I wish I had a little brother. Thanks, Earl.

Randy, you know it's on my list- cost Randy a little brother.

- How'd you do that? - Dad made Mom get fixed...

after he caught Earl playing a game of"Watch Randy in the washing machine."

I swallowed a lot of bleach. That's why I can't taste salt.

I put it on the gentle cycle. You never tell that part of the story.

Well, if you're interested in getting a brother...

you could try the local office of Big Bros, Little Bros.

Oh, yeah. I've seen their sign.

I always thought it was a hip-hop clothing store with a huge range of sizes.

No, they match up needy young boys with older, mostly unmarried men...

Iooking to take someone under their wing.

Surprisingly enough, usually it works out just fine.

[Earl Narrating] So me and Randy cleaned up, put on our Sunday clothes...

and went down to Big Bros, Little Bros.

So, tell me a little bit about yourself, Randy.

Well, I'm 31 and I live in a motel.

I have three pairs of pants and five shirts...

and, uh, that pretty much sums me up, yeah.

Oh, and this is my brother, Earl. We're very close.

- We even sleep in the same bed. - B-But not in a weird way.

Just in a "there's only one bed" way.

[Randy] Yeah, and we sleep facin'out...

so if anything touches, it's our butts and not our wieners.

[Earl Narrating] Since there were way more little bros than big bros...

the counselor tried to give Randy a shot.

Ooh- Hah!

You guys, this kid is a part of our hot potato game too.

Now just because he's gonna be sittin' in this chair...

for the rest of his natural life...

with those bright white shoes that'll never get dirty...

doesn't make him any different from me or you.

Go ahead. Throw him the ball.

- There you go. Way to include everyone. - [Boy] Yeah.

- Now, who wants to play kickball? - [Boys Cheering]

Wait for me.

[Earl Narrating] I was startin'to have my doubts...

about whether Randy would be a good Big Brother.

Duck, duck, duck, duck- Goose.

- You're still "it." - But the people at the program didn't have any doubts at all.

They were sure.

I was actually kind of relieved Randy didn't get accepted as a big brother...

but I could never tell him that.

They screwed up, man. They don't know what an awesome big brother is...

because an awesome big brother is you.

I don't know where I went wrong.

You didn't, Randy. You were perfect. Those people are stupid.

A little brother doesn't have to be a person.

Maybe you could get a pet.

W-W-Well, n-not a pet. Maybe a- a plant.

I hate plants! Plants suck!

I'm sorry, plants! I'm just mad!

Earl, could you give me a hand?

There's a customer at Club Chubby who thinks he's hilarious.

None of the other strippers will help me get it off.

They're just jealous 'cause they never get fives.

Do they get little brothers? 'Cause then they should stop bitchin' and shut the hell up!

I'm sorry, other strippers. I'm just mad!

- What's wrong with him? - Randy wanted a little brother...

but we couldn't find one, so now we've moved on to plants.

What about Oscar? He could use a male influence in his life.

When he was a baby, his dad left to join The Rebels.

They're a very popular singing group in my country.

Yeah, I've seen their tapes on sale at the car wash.

- But- - He could really use a good male role model.

Well, I'm no male model, but I'd be a darned good big brother.

- What do you think, Earl? - Yeah.

Oscar is, uh, definitely an option.

We'll keep him in mind if it doesn't work out with the plant.

No, I said I hated plants.

Wait a minute. You don't think I can be a big brother, do you?

[High-pitched Voice] No. No, no, no, no, Randy.

Are you crazy?

Of course I think you'd be a good big brother.

- You're talkin' in the high-pitched lyin' voice. - No, I'm not.

Then tell me in your normal voice you think I can do this.

[High-pitched Voice] Randy, are you crazy?

[Laughing, Babbling]

I'll do it.

[Earl Narrating] I was worried about Randy taking care of Oscar...

but I had my hands full of important party business.

How are they gonna play "Pin the Tail on the Mummy" if the first pin they stick in makes her pop?

- That's not realistic. - Realistic? Mummies don't have tails.

How do you know? Were you alive back then? Are you Brendan Fraser?

Get me a mummy I can stick a damn pin in.

Well, leave this one. I know two-ply when I see it.

Darnell will be thrilled.

- Hey, Earl. - How's it goin'?

Well, Oscar lost a finger on the Ferris wheel.

- Randy, what the- - I'm just kiddin'.

He's fine, 'cause I'm a great big brother, no matter what you think.

We got that bandage from a car wreck we passed.

- I'm going to the rest room. - You gonna drop a dos?

Randy-

I saw it, Earl. I'll take care of it.

[Earl Narrating] Randy waited for Oscar to finish his dos...

then took him somewhere a little more private to have their talk.

Oscar, Earl and me saw you steal those tips...

and stealin's wrong.

Now, I want you to go back there...

return the money and apologize...

and you'll feel better about yourself.

Whew! Yeah, huge relief.

That was a doozy, but we got through it, little bro.

Now, how about we just head back to the Crab Shack and-

- Don't tell me what to do. - What?

[Speaking Foreign Language]

- What are you doin'? - [Foreign Language]

- [Shuddering] - [Oscar Chanting]

Satan.

[Exhales]

Randy, check it out.

Me and Magnum P.I. Made a sign for the El Camino.

Pretty cool sign. If you don't want it shredded by Satan, I'd leave it out here.

- What? - Oscar got upset about the stealin' thing...

and now he's just a little bit completely possessed.

Randy, calm down. He's probably just tryin' to get out of trouble for stealin'.

Hey, Oscar, we need to-

Come on out, Oscar.

Actin' possessed doesn't scare me.

I got a cousin with Tourette's who's really religious.

It's very similar.

- [Gasps] - Randy, it was just the wind.

Come on, Oscar.

- [Electricity Crackling] - [Water Dripping]

Look, you're not gonna freak me out.

[Voices Whispering]

[Yells]

- Holy Moses! - [Yelps]

Oh, my God, Earl. Those are voodoo dolls of you and a fat guy with stains on his shirt.

[Yells]

Cute.

Look, Oscar, you need to return the money you stole...

and quit tryin' to freak me out.

There's nothin' you can do that I haven't done be-

Oh, God! Never did that.

[Groans]

- Hey, Catalina. - !Ay!

I'll just be a minute.

Catalina, we need to talk about your freaky little nephew.

- Sorry, Nick. We'll be out in a second. - [Muffled] That's okay.

- Oscar is a little cutie, isn't he? - He sucks.

He's got Randy convinced he knows voodoo, and he blew dust in my eyes. It's still burning.

You told him what to do, didn't you? He hates that.

By the way, it wasn't dust. It's the ground bones of a graveyard sparrow.

They say it blinds you to the dangers that lie ahead.

It's also a great exfoliant.

Look, I gotta go throw a party forJoy's kids.

I don't have time for this. You need to take your freak back.

- No. I'm his big brother. - You're not actin' like it.

- You can't take care of him. - That's what you said about the goldfish.

- You ate the goldfish. - You dared me.

Oscar can't stay with me. Every time I tell him what to do...

he channels my dead grandmother and she tells me what to do.

- I can't live like that. - Well, then box him up and send him home.

You said you'd take him, so he's yours.

[Nick Groaning]

[Earl Narrating] I didn't think a crazy little kid should be at the motel alone...

and Randy didn't want to be left alone with a crazy little kid at the motel...

so we all headed over toJoy's.

Great decorations, Crabman.

That dead body in the front of the trailer park looks real.

- What dead body? - The one the kids are jumpin' on.

I'll be right back.

- Who are you supposed to be? - Barbie. Can't you tell?

Taped my nipples down so my boobies are smooth.

Hey! It ain't goody bag time.

Don't tell me what to do.

Look, maybe kids talk back from Guatelatucky or wherever you're from...

but you must be el pollo loco if you think you can sass me like that.

[Speaking Foreign Language]

Uh-oh. Earl-

- Earl! - What the hell?

Ow!

Oh, my God. I've seen this before.

He's doin' voodoo. He's evil.

He's evil! He's evil!

[Earl Narrating]Joy had seen these signs before with her babysitter.

[Chanting Foreign Language]

- What the hell? - Never again, child...

will you steal cigarettes out of my pocketbook.

You are cursed.

You will become pregnant before you are married.

Oh, snap.

He's full of voodoo.

You get him outta here before it starts rainin' blood...

- or he forces us to eat jerk chicken. - Joy, he's just a kid.

As was The Omen, Exorcist, and all them Children of the Corn.

The devil likes 'em young.

Probably gets in through that soft spot on their skull.

Come on, Oscar. Let's go.

And you can forget crossin' the boys off your list.

Your freak child ruined the party.

I'll see you Halloween '09, dummy!

- Drop it, Earl. - No, I'm not gonna drop it, Randy.

He's messin' with people's heads with all that fake voodoo...

and now he's messin' with my list.

Because of him, I can't cross off Joy's kids until next Halloween.

Karma's not gonna like that.

How come when you talk about voodoo it's always fake...

but then you run around scared of this silly made-up magic you call karma?

'Cause karma's real. I've seen it work.

I haven't seen proof that voodoo can do anything.

Earl, Earl, Earl. That's the Randy doll.

- He's got a Randy doll. - It's just a doll, Randy.

[Speaking Foreign Language]

- What's he doin'? I don't like it. I don't like it! - Nothin' gonna happen. It's fake.

Nothin's happenin', Oscar. Give it up.

I'm putting a curse on your brother that'll make him scared, nervous and uneasy.

My God, it's workin'!

- I am scared, nervous and uneasy. - Randy, it's not voodoo.

It's just power of suggestion. He's messin' with your mind.

Then it shouldn't matter if I do this. [Kissing Sounds]

Oh, God! Voodoo's makin' us gay!

You better kiss, or I'll make these dolls do something worse.

Put your tongue in my mouth, Earl. I don't want to do somethin' worse!

Randy, he's just messin' with your mind. It's not real.

Then how come I'm tryin' to kiss you?

- [Grunts] - I would love to have a leisurely conversation with you...

where I say, "Hey, Earl" and you say, "Hey, Crabman"...

and we go on from there, but there's no time for that.

- You all gotta get out of here. - Why?

Joy's worried about what Randy's young protege's gonna do with that hair he yanked off her...

so she's formed a witch-hunt posse, and they're headed this way.

[Earl Narrating] Since the mob was on their way to the motel...

we doubled back to buy some time.

Also, Darnell had some stuff in the trailer to help us get away.

Why do you already have fake passports with our pictures on 'em?

I was trained to think three steps ahead. I saw this comin' last December.

What do these pills do?

They're cyanide. They'll kill you in 30 seconds.

[Spits] What?

Just kidding, buddy. I saw you take yours. It's a multi-vitamin.

It's important to keep your immune system up when you're on the run.

[People Shouting]

[Clamoring]

Crap. Someone at the motel must've tipped 'em off.

Earl and Randy are your friends.

And that little boy hasn't hurt anyone. Now let them go in peace.

That little voodoo-rican freak cast a spell on my husband!

[Shouting]

Sorry, baby, but it's for your own good.

Reverend, sprinkle some of that holy water on him.

Keep it off his hair. You know black people.

It gets all crazy when it gets wet.

We're screwed- unless we give 'em Oscar.

[Earl Narrating] Oscar was in a bad spot...

and for the first time, he really needed a big brother.

We're not given' 'em Oscar.

- Look at 'em, Randy. - We're not sending him out there.

Don't worry, buddy. Everything's gonna be all right.

Oscar's my little brother, and I'm gonna stand by him the way a big brother's supposed to...

the way you always have for me.

Besides, you know I've always wanted to fight 30 people at once.

[Yelling]

You got one hell of a big brother, kid.

[Earl Narrating] And as long as people were defending their little brothers-

Come on, you punks! Give me your best-

It was a fairly one-sided fight. By that, I mean...

they stuck mostly to stompin'the left side of my head and the left side of my rib cage.

#He's the tear in your eye Being tempted by his lies #

#He's the knife in your back He's rage #

Remember, Reverend, if this goes bad, I'll be your alibi, you be mine.

We were at the "liberry."

[Earl Narrating] Didn't look good.

Me and Randy were stuck, and there was nothin'left to stopJoy and her angry mob.

Then I saw it.

- # Shout at the devil # - [Groaning]

By standing up for Oscar...

Randy had finally gotten to feel what it's like to be a big brother.

If I crossed him off the list, maybe karma would save us.

- # Shout, shout # - # Shout at the devil ##

Oh, my God. He made a doll of me, and she's got no boobies.

[People Gasp]

Please don't stab my doll. Don't kill me.

Kill him. If he dies, he knows where he's goin'.

I'm not gonna kill anyone. The knife is to cut the pumpkin pie...

for the Halloween party your dolls are having.

I just want you to stop hurting my big brother...

and I want everyone to be happy.

[Earl Narrating] Karma's a powerful thing.

Apparently seeing the good in me and Randy made Oscar want to be good too.

And lucky for Oscar, the power of suggestion is also a powerful thing.

[Laughing, Chattering]

People must've liked seein'themselves havin'fun at that doll party...

because before you knew it, that was exactly what was happening.

Turns out I wasn't gonna have to wait until next year...

to cross off Dodge and Earl Junior after all.

This is the best Halloween ever-

even if I can never straighten my arm again.

I'm gonna go ask Big Joe to give it a pull.

Well, karma got us out of that one, huh?

- What? - My list item. I crossed it off in time...

and karma made you stop freakin' everybody out with your fake voodoo.

I didn't stop doing voodoo. I saved you guys with voodoo. You would've gotten killed...

if I didn't put a party spell on these idiots to keep them from hurting you.

Party spell? Come on, you made their dolls have a party...

'cause karma wanted you to do somethin' good.

If you wanted to help us with voodoo, you would've stuck pins in their dolls.

I couldn't find any pins.

Yeah? Well, maybe karma didn't want you to find any pins.

[Earl Narrating] Seein'everyone finally gettin'along...

I started to realize that it didn't matter.

Call it karma, call it voodoo-

Whatever works for you works...

and there was no use arguin'about it anymore.

- Yeah. - # I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand #

Good thing me and the minister scared the devil outta that little freak.

Reverend Hollingsworth thinks I've got great leadership skills.

Says that God wants me to run for mayor.

- Good for you. - # Gonna get a big dish ofbeef chow mein #

[Earl Narrating] Like I said, there was no point arguing.

#Ahhooooo Werewolves of London #

#Ahhooooo ##